Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Jerkfaces Are Movin' On Up... Possibly

In the beginning of July, ML and I were sitting in our cozy, pack-rat-clutter filled apartment chatting and he says, "I think we should buy a house."

So, armed with minimal house buying knowledge we found ourselves a Realtor and went on a fun-filled exploration of houses. Some were big, others were small, more than one needed A LOT of work, aaaand holy-crap-are-houses-expensive! We discovered interesting things about non-apartment-dwelling life - namely property taxes (bend over and spread 'em - it's gonna hurt!), termites and what a roof is NOT supposed to look like, and found ourselves suddenly realizing we'd need a lot more than just a coffee maker and a microwave. We would need things like furnaces, hot water heaters, and lawn mowers. And that shit is pricey.

Somehow, this did not deter us, and we found a cute little cape cod we liked, put in a bid (eek!), got it inspected, and are now in the whirlwind throes of attorney review. Which, if you've never been there, is quite possibly one of the most stressful, agonizing situations I've ever experienced.

Seriously. I'd rather get a root canal without novacaine then deal with the waiting. Patience is not my strong suit.

Anyway, we put in our bid, got it accepted and then ML went on tour with his band. For a month. Thirty one days, to be exact. I kissed him goodbye, told him to have a good time and not fuck any groupies, and then he was off.

It was only after he was gone that it hit me. Who the fuck is going to pack up this apartment? Move furniture? Wrap everything up so we can be ready to move into a house we may or may not have?

I'll give you a hint - I'm pointin' at her:


I'm going to go ahead and pretend that the timing of this whole debacle wasn't some diabolically orchestrated plan of ML's, dry my tears, and start packing.

To be totally honest when I was done freaking the fuck out about this little... hiccup in my day to day existence, I instantly realized there will be probably be a multitude of FSE/mini-Edward photo opps to be had. Even if it is only me sobbing on FSE's cold, not-so-solid cardboard-y shoulder.

STY, the bestest BFF ever, has offered to help me pack and move (she just doesn't know it yet)! Not only that but poor STY is going to have deal with my hissy fits, panic attacks and waves of rage, not to mention shouldering some more of Twitarded day to day while I'm curled in the fetal position trying to figure out what a PMI is or how much it's going to cost to move a dryer vent up six inches (a lot, I'm sure). All I'm saying is she may need a few virtual hugs every now and then. And possibly bail money if she snaps and just puts me out of my (and her) misery.

Me and Edward behind the mountain of boxes STY wrestled up. We walked these (well, STY did because I was too short to see over them) all the way across town. In a granny cart. It's a preview to what our bag lady lives will look like in about thirty years or so...

That being said, I have no intention of abandoning Twiland but please forgive me if there are a few posts these next couple of weeks that are entitled, "I Can't Fucking Believe I Have to Pack All This Shit Up" or "Guess What I Found in the Pantry?" or " OOOh! THAT'S Why They Say "Lift With Your Legs, Not With Your Back!"

P.S. - I PROMISE on mini-Edward that the next chapter of 15 Step will be out this week.


  1. Congratulations! Things may be a little (lot) rough at first, but you'll get through it. Remember, home-ownership is the first step towards not flushing your money down the crapper. When I was young, unmarried, and pregnant (I still don't know how that happened!) I managed to get engaged, married, bought a house,and have a baby all within a 6 MONTH PERIOD. Fast forward 17 years, add 2 more kids, same husband, same house. The house has had a major facelift, I could use a butt lift, and the hubby is carrying a beer keg in front. The kids are great and we are happy (except for that annoying longing for hubby with perfect body - insert Edward here). You'll get through the move and laugh about it later. Tip: The promise of alcohol will bring helpful friends at moving time. Just make sure the moving van driver waits until after point A to point B to imbibe. Good luck!

  2. I don't envy you in the slightest bit. I had to help a friend pack up her bedroom so she could move into her flat and THAT was a pain in the ass. You find stupid things EVERYWHERE!
    You know that any place that is hidden holds about a million things. She even found a damn polly pocket and a barney toy :S

    I look forward to the packing updates :P

  3. Congrats JJ!! Homeownership is nice because you're not flushing the money directly down the toilet... but then it will suck because you're toilet backs up and guess who has to fix it?? Just joking... hopefully you're new house isn't 80+ years old like mine and isn't breaking every other week!! LOL - aren't a ray of fucking sunshine this evening!!

    And the packing... ah... I started out with neatly packed boxes of stuff and by the actual move, I was heaving shit into trash bags and throwing them into the truck. Makes it difficult to distinguish between actual trash and stuff you want. I'm pretty sure I'm missing some important shit due to this method of packing!


  4. I feel your pain! Through all the stress and mayhem of the move what you'll have in the end is something that is your very own. You can paint what ever color you want and put as many holes in the walls as you please.

    @ Z Any Mouse is right promise booze but have it at the house and bring it out after everything is out of the truck!


  5. Good luck with the move and congratulations on making the giant leap into adulthood (ugh!). Next step, kids??????

    I hope the toilet seats are clean and the cable internet connection is hooked up before you get there. It's very sweet of STY to help you move. You know your bloggy friends would help too if we lived anywhere in the vicinity.

    I'm looking forward to the photo documentation of the adventure. I think STY should carry you over the threshold after the last box has been moved.

  6. @Z any Mouse - LOL! Alcohol will definitely be offered for any willing person to help us move. Hell, I'll even throw in a pizza or two.

    P.S. - I have no idea how you did that. I have a (suddenly) sick ferret thrown into the mix and I'm ready to throw my hands up. I bow down to you. Seriously.

    @mmMoxie - Shhh, don't say the K word because I might spontaneously become preggers and have to deal with that, too!

    And I totally think STY should carry me across the threshold. Bitch better start working out though. I ain't light.

    I've lived in apartments for the past 12 years (minus a short stint of moving back home) and I have moved 10 times. I've lived with over twenty people (the majority of the FUCKING CRAZY but that's another story). But, for all that moving, it was usually just me, a computer, a futon and a couple of bookshelves. We've managed to amass an insane amount of crap. Totally going minimal after this (as in, throwing out the bulk of ML's stuff...)

  7. Maybe someone has already wrote this, BUT being the lazy ass that I am on Sundays...won't Mini-E and FSE be helping with the boxes? hee hee

  8. Congratulations JJ!!!! That's a big fucking deal. We've been in our happy little home for about a year and expanded to now include one mean ass cat and two
    80 lb fat ass dogs. You can't rent with that much deliciousness in tow. Oh, and the other thing good about owning. For once, I get taxes back! Well, we'll see this April but at least that's what we're hoping. Again that's awesome news and god bless you for making it through all the stress!

  9. Maybe FSE will BECOME a box. Noooo!

  10. I'm a big gal and fancy myself to be strong, too (if you ever meet me in person, ask me to flex for ya' and I'll do it in a heartbeat) - I definitely tower over ML and I WILL carry JJ over the threshold - lol! I'll just have to keep reminding myself to lift with my legs & all that good shit...

    Seriously, moving sucks, sick ferrets suck, your S/O being out of town for a month sucks, the stress of home-buying really really sucks despite the nice pay-off--so apologies in advance if WE suck for a little bit - we still love you guys! Now more than ever...

    P.S. We totally would have strapped FSE and not Mini-E to the front of our cardboard-laden granny-cart before we trekked across town but he was already at JJ's place AND it was raining (hence the plastic and charming "future bag-lady-us" preview - nice, right???).

    : )

  11. Congrats to you! That's a major step! I've pretty much determined (especially at this point in my life..) I'm going to be a renter for a while.

  12. Oh, the joys and pains of first time home ownership, I remember them so well (luckiy we're still in the same house so I've never had to do it again).

    Our house was a 70's decor nightmare, but we saw it's "potential and fell in love with it. I vividly remember bawling my eyes out one night sitting in the midst of brown shag carpet and dark wood paneling and mustard yellow appliances and scary linoleum. All I could say over and over was "this is never going to feel like home".

    In a 3 month period I had given birth to our first daughter, defended my thesis (in Vermont), made a 1 week trip to Texas to find and buy a house, and then packed up and moved cross country.

    10 years, another daughter, and an insane amount of sweat equity later I look around at our home and get teary eyed at the amount of peace and serenity (and butt loads of laughter) I get to experience here.

    I wish you and ML all the joy in the world in your new home. Plus, he does know, right, that leaving you on your own to do all this entitles you to an unlimited amount of sexual favors of your choosing?

  13. congratulations! It does suck to move, and packing by yourself sounds a little like torture, but you'll make it through. We bought our house almost 7 years ago, and even though i'm like the "Old Woman who lived in the shoe" and the house is full of half finished "upgrades" and it's smaller than ALL of my friends houses, it's awesome and wonderful and it's all ours! I wish you all the happiness in the world when you are all moved in- you know 5 or 6 years from now LOL!!

  14. Congratulations JJ! Wish I was there to help. You and STY can rock this move. Bonus is you get first dibs on where everything goes. Plus you can play "Hide the Edward/Rob"!

  15. Congrats on the new house!!! but i have one VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION:: you did make sure there was a room to make a new lair, correct?? just think of all the new things u coudl do!!! and just think if ML wasnt there, he CANT object to a darn thing!!!! .... well thats one way to try and twist it into a better situation........

    ..... oo and lookiong forward to the next chap

  16. Moving sucks more so when ya forced to move cos you have a crappy landlord that cant fix things. This is my story anyway and i have no money to move no house ready to move into yet and a 2 year old... and my car just shit itself

  17. I am so excited for you JJ! I had moved 14 times in 6 years and when we finally bought a house I said they only way I was moving again was to go to the "home" or the morgue, I was never going to pack again! Just make sure FSE and Mini Edward don't get lost in the move!

  18. Awww congrats! Buying a house is stressful, but only for the first time. We're on our third house and as tranquil as penguins on qualuudes.

    The trick to moving successfully is to seriously, yes it sucks, throw out/donate/remove as much crap as humanly possible. By the time you're eyeing your panty drawer you're on the right track.

    Also, McDonald's french fry boxes make the PERFECT moving boxes, they're not overly huge so a girl can comfortably lift 'em, and big enough to pack all twilight paraphenalia into.

    Also, hire movers.

    Good luck, don't fret, it'll be over before you know it.

  19. congratulations!! you'll have a house!!! how cool!! i wish you all the hope in the world and oh, maybe you should try one of those house-exams that lainey from lainey gossip did!

  20. JJ Congrats! If I were in Jersey I would totally be drinking and packing right there with you and STY. It will be so worth it in the end to be a home owner and to make it your home. I, too, am curious to see if you will have an even better lair in which all those posters can be hung. Hang in there girl.

    P.S. Don't misplace your Sniffs!

  21. Brave gal, JJ! Isn't that always the way--it always happens when the guys leave town?! I wish you luck with that.

    The pic of you pointing to yourself with fuuuuuck underneath just had me laughing. One glass of wine=lily lightweight.


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