Sunday, August 2, 2009

Mini Edward[s] Meet Definitely-Not-Mini-Edward (Chaos Ensues)

What? Are you actually shocked that we didn't do something in a timely manner? Tsk, tsk. We had meant to do the introductions early, but FSE was...well, let's just say he was "otherwise occupied." Occupied by his full-time job of scaring the living shit out of me every single time I walked any place where he entered my field of vision, that is. In my defense, he also startled the poo out of a friend of mine a couple of times yesterday. Since I'm a complete jerk, this made me happy because I was starting to think that I was becoming a giant pussy. Boo.

So, it's a lazy, rainy Sunday afternoon and STY came by my place with the crew to visit, since FSE has been lurking menacingly at my house for the past few days. Official introductions were made - you know: "'Full Size Edward, meet Edward, Edward, Shades Edward, and that tarty little whore-chunk Bella..."' and then we left them to get acquainted, because, you know, we figured they would be all chillax with each other.

Sure hope no one has a Napoleon Complex or anything...

Er, when we returned to the scene a little while later, we realized that perhaps Full-Size Edward had freaked out the 'Mini" crew... What they lacked in stature they made up for in numbers and apparently FSE hadn't quite won them over... In fact, it had not went well at all:

Guys, guys! C'mon! Is that any way to treat Gulliver Full-Size Edward?!

Bella: On second thought, he's kinda sexy all trussed up like that...
Shades Edward: WTF? The three of us aren't enough for you?! You need this gangly little bitch too?! I mean, HELLO!? We have movable arms! This guy can't even touch your boobies!! And speaking of your rack, we don't like the way he was undressing you with his eyes...

FSE: I'm extremely angry yet oddly aroused. Why is that little munchkin girl looking at me like that? I shall dazzle her into freeing me...

Since no one is ponying up on what the hell happened in the short time they spent together, we can't be sure what fightin' words were exchanged, but it's clear that FSE was outnumbered. We pleaded with FSE to give us the deets but he was murderously chagrined and kept icily mum about the whole situation. The Minis were too busy high-fiving each other and ignored us like the haughty little vampy bitches they can be every once in awhile.

Who you calling petite now, you skinny, flat mother fucker! You're not even three-dimensional!

I secretly felt glad that someone knocked FSE down a few notches because I was getting tired of him sneaking up on me all the time (and would it kill him to smile every once in a while?). I have to say, the Mini Edward(s), Shades Edward and the Tart seemed awfully smug when we walked through the door.

Eventually, STY managed to calm everyone down and restore order. Apologies were grudgingly given and stonily accepted, and soon enough we managed to even get everyone together for a happy Twitarded family photo.

I'd kill all of you if I wasn't so two-dimensionally handicapped...

In typical Twitarded fashion, it never occurred to us that our demented little photo shoot wasn't a private affair until STY thought she saw some movement (and by 'movement' we mean 'gaping out the window and then hurriedly shutting their blinds') coming from my neighbor's house, which happens to be a whopping ten feet from my very wide open living room windows.

We also quickly shut the drapes because STY was convinced (and rightly so) that my neighbors might finally think we'd gone straight-up gangsta-killerz and kidnapped a young sexy stud whom we were in the midst of tying up in my living room, presumably to do very, very deviant and unspeakable things to (plus the paper shredder was nearby, which could be easily misconstrued as some sort of torture device). I thought this would be humorous, but apparently STY was a tad reluctant to have to explain to the five-ohs why we had a fucking cardboard cutout wrapped up with rope and a bunch of tiny action figures clamoring around him. In fact, she said she'd rather be caught doing the real thing because at least that was bad-ass and not just straight up fucking imbecilic. In all fairness, I guess nobody wants to respond to the question "What're you in for?" with "I pinned a life-size Edward Cullen to my floor and let his miniature friends have their way with him." Although I imagine that even in the big house, craziness of this magnitude would have 99% of the population giving us a a wide berth...

Dumbasses Twitarded hard at work!


  1. man I needed that. I just laughed so hard reading this. Brilliant!! And the bit about the neighbors?!?! Fucktastic!!

  2. LMAO that was so funny. I can totally agree with you on the Life Size Edward scaring the shit out of people. It does it to everyone who passes by my room. Oh and I love the last of looks like me when i'm taking photos of the pockets. Great post!

  3. I really needed a laugh tonight, Thank You!!!

  4. LMAO......saving up for bail money.

  5. LOL. Seriously, I totally laughed out loud.


  6. LMAO...i didn't realize ya'll had so many edwards. so when do you guys start freaking out the people on the NJ transit trains?

  7. Rolling on the Floor & snorting my rum & coke out my nose!

    Looks like we gotta start up the bail money fund soon!

  8. i am laughing so hard right now!! that was freaking far one of my favorite posts!

    "The Minis were too busy high-fiving each other and ignored us like the haughty little vampy bitches they can be every once in awhile." LMAO!

  9. SOOOOOOOOOO funny! Just got my new pocket edward. well he went with us to the grocery, ate at McDonalds. Safe and boring first day! Now, when he saw this he's begging for a crazier adventure! I check out your blog everyday and it never fails to make me laugh. You and your sister are the best. Now, i'm dying to get that gorgeous flat FSE!

  10. I should NOT have read that right after dinner, I am about to puke the entire thing up from laughing so damn hard. You two are the best.

  11. it..the only thing I can think of is Gulliver's Travels Twiporn style!

  12. I love my new nightly routine of reading a couple of hours of fanfic and them stopping by to see what the Twitards are up to.

    Of course seeing FSE draped in rope immediately took my mind to Robward tied to a bed and.....


  13. Damn it! I begged for some FSE/Twitard humor and I got it. Now I'm sitting here laughing my ass off and wishing I lived in Jersey so I could swing by for cocktails with you girls. I'd even bring my own! (There's no way you did this post sober!) I too had a shitty week and thank you for the much needed laughs.

    Went to a BBQ today and freaked out when I saw a Twilight book on the counter - I now have a new member of my coven and I will induct her into the Twitard branch as soon as she's ready:-) Thanks, chickies. Suz

  14. Ch 52 of WA is up!!!!!!!!!!

    It's on her Live Journal site.

    The ending is PERFECT.

    I've become such a DORK (and I'm loving every second of it).

  15. "I guess nobody wants to respond to the question "What're you in for?" with "I pinned a life-size Edward Cullen to my floor and let his miniature friends have their way with him."

    Ohh damn! That's some funny shit right there!

  16. @onoiama... Just shifted from laughing to bawling in one hour flat. I'm not that into fan fiction but got roped into Wide Awake last month or so. Dammit. Hate to see it end but she did it brilliantly. Sniff. Can't wait for the epilogue, etc.

  17. Thanks , onoimatwitard2. !!! I like to check back to these twitardy comments and was excited to see the next chapt of WA is now posted. Although it's 1am and I WAS going to go to bed...... (yawn)

  18. omg, i'm draggin ass this morn, playin on the comp when i need to get ready to leave for the fucken DMV, and i read this, and im not sooo annoyed anymore...... well it might be this post and the new chap of the office!!!

    i especially loved hte whole i shall dazle her into freeing me part

  19. you two are truly brilliant! I really needed the laugh today!!

    found out I'm pregnant and the morning (all day) sickness makes laughing impossible

    thanks guys

  20. I have no words for that this morning. It was just fucking brilliant. Thanks ladies for starting off my week with a great laugh! (I nearly pissed myself when I saw the Minis had tied up the Flatty!)

  21. Just Brilliant!!!

  22. I am trying to catch up on all I missed while I was away communing with nature yet again. All the minis together nearly had me peeing my pants! Oh how I wish I could be there to throw mine into the mix. Love the scotch tape special effect to keep the rope down. How many drinks did it take to achieve this brilliance? Poor flat FSE--it must suck to be 2D.

  23. "FSE: I'm extremely angry yet oddly aroused." I want to hear the real Rob...erm, I mean Edward say that!

    Oh my. Pretty damn funny stuff.
    I wouldn't mind FSE lurking around my house. He wouldn't scare me!

  24. Love the photos! I also like the photo of Twitarded hard at work. Too funny!

  25. You rule. Who thinks of this shit?
    YOU DO!

    And no, blogger, that does not make me 'dennurte'

  26. OHMAGAWD I laughed so hard at the neighbor seeing y'all! She probably debated on calling the cops or the crazy house! I'm so glad y'all finally have a FSE! Have you seen the one for New Moon? He's in a suit!

  27. There are no words. I lied...there are: fucking genious! I love that you gals have a posse of Edwards - and "tarty little whore-chunk Bella"?! Too much. "haughty little vampy bitches"?! JHC, that's rich.

    You two would be my ultimate drinkin' and shenanigans buds.

    Keep doin' it to it.

  28. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it but... we were actually quite sober when we did this. Terrifying, isn't it? Our depravity runs deep, my friends, very deep.

  29. That made my entire week! I thought about getting FSE like a month ago but was afraid I would freak myself out. Now that I know he scares the hell out of you, I'm glad I didn't spend the money! I will have to live vicariously through you guys! I'm just goona back in the glow from your brilliance...

  30. FANTASTIC! love your site!!! =)

  31. LMTtwitatdedAO. I love you guys.......unlike the asses that diss me at my own blog. LOL.

  32. lmao you 2 are the funniest out there. Reading this makes it harder to resist the impulse of getting a mini-E... I shall resist anyways cause my fam n friends already think it quiet weird for a chick my age to be reading those "vamp books for tweens"

  33. ok well my mother is freakin obsessed with twilight to the point of making it clear to any person that comes within 10 feet of my house. We had a edward cullen cutout that unfortunatly died do to a bad encounter with our black cat Jacob(yes as in Jacob Black)) and she would stick him in my closet or in the hall adjacent to my bedroom door then tell me to come out of my room and it would scare the crap out of me and my friends. It really scared us when she did it after me and my friend had watched all 5 of the Saw movies and it was like 12 o clock at night. i thought it was funny hope u do to

  34. 1) this is so hilarious! I really really needed the laugh when I read this last night.

    2) be proud, you have corrupted me. I went from more than casual twilight liker to full on crazysauce twitard over the course of the past few days. I was pushed over the edge by your blog ;)

  35. Haha. Not the kind of good times everyone thought you'd be having, I'm sure...

    Should have your pins shipped by tomorrow or Weds!

  36. OMG, I'm so happy I found you guys!

    Twinatic, I so agree with you! I've become a Twitard over the last couple of weeks!

    In fact, last night, hubby said to me, "You're not obsessed, but you're going back and reading every post since the beginning of the blog? Riiiiiight."

    I didn't tell him, but some twi-porn I found back in the April posts made him a very happy man!! So there!

    I would LOVE to get myself a Pocket Edward to corrupt, but like I said, I'm trying to convince hubby I'm NOT obsessed! That would probably blow my cover!

    Apparently I'd been living under a rock, because I had NEVER EVEN HEARD of Twilight till my 8 yo daughter bought the movie for herself. Then in May, she decided she wanted the book, and I thought it may be a little too graphic for her, so I agreed only if I could read it first. About 2 pages in and I was hooked. I went out and bought the other 3 books the next day and I've read them all multiple times since.

    But I'm not obsessed. Uh huh...sure.

  37. I love it! I look forward to my daily laugh, and you never let me down. :) I'm pretty impressed with the Edwards' and Bella's quick work in tying up FSE - makes me wonder what my Mini-E gets up to when I'm not around!

    (BTW, I have that dress, it's one of my favs! Hmm, think I might need to wear it tomorrow!)

  38. TwiWeasel - yes, we're in the same boat. Because of Twitarded I now have my own blog space reserved for when I type things about twilight I like enough for everyone else to see, I'm going back and reading all their archived postings as they only post about once a day or so and I can read that in less than five minutes, I'm actually reading fanfic for the first time ever, I have a Mini E on the way and a blogspace reserved for our misadventures, and for the first time ever, I'm buying companion books! like I said, mega crazysauce twitard! I'm not singing it from the rooftops yet, but, I'm in no way denying it either ... also, I can sense it's only going to get worse ...

  39. @Twinatic & @Twiweasel - Oh boy, if you guys get into fan fic... I'll see ya in a couple of months. LOL!

    As always, glad we could bring out the Twitard in everyone. But we're not responsible for any divorces or anything like that. :P

    And I can't wait to see Mini Edward pics!!!

  40. Yep, not obsessed. It's the middle of the night and here I am...>sigh<

    Twinatic wins as the bigger Twitard >grin< I don't have my own blogspace...yet. Or a mini Edward, but I can feel my resolve crumbling...

    And yes JJ, I am lovin' the fan fic! Hubby too, but he doesn't know it >evin chuckle<

  41. holllyyy shet. i love you guys. freaking genius.

    i laughed. a lot.

    p.s. JJ you look adorable in your girly flower dress!

  42. the third picture just kills me!!! ROFL!!! mini edward putting his hands up like saying YAY!!

  43. TwiWeasel - I will take that award :) Have you read Wide Awake yet? This book is very different, yet has the same love story feel, it's kept me up for days

    JJ & STY -

    a)STILL cannot get over "whore-chunk" I have been laughing for days at VERY inapropriate times when it pops into my head (which is regularly) I somehow find it to be one of the funniest things ever.

    b) these pictures make it seem as if your pocket edwards can stand on their own Mine, does not

    did you have to adjust them somehow, or did I just get a lemon?

  44. @Twinatic – I dub thee… Twitardier than me!! >grin<

    I’ve started Wide Awake…about 3 chapters in and I’m really enjoying it. Then I had to take a brief hiatus when I discovered some twi-smut fan fic (from the April/May posts.) I’ve been stuck on that for several days. Hubby’s happy, I’m exhausted, and the kids wish I’d fix something for dinner other than frozen pizza or chicken patties!

    I’ve been up at night as well, (check the time of my previous post on this subject!) Just reading something different! I hate to say it, but I need a break from the racier stuff! I feel like such a wimp!

    BTW, I really want a Mini-Edward!! How tall is he? I bet I could pass him off as one of the kids doll house dolls! Hmmmmm…..

  45. Hello,

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