Friday, August 21, 2009

Sister Snarky Breaks Down Robsten*

I don't even have a FACEinHOLE pic of me & Rob, and Sister Snarky does! Twiconversion complete!

So it's been months since I FINALLY succeeded in converting my sister into a Twitard and I am pleased to report that her obsession is currently on a level that I would say is on par with mine, minus the blogging. Yay! And sooner or later she will realize that her life won't be complete until she starts to at least leave comments on the blog or maybe even writes something officially for us, but in the meantime I will just continue to post her emails in what I am sure is some violation of sisterly trust (in my defense, anyone who knows me and knows about the blog should be aware that anything and everything is fair game and might very well end up here). I will, however, apologize for posting this on the heels of the vampsicle peen, as I am sure this is going to leave her a bit miffed (and she's already ticked because she won't be joining us for the Twilight screening in Central Park tonight - if you're going, we'll be the two redheads who may or may not be waving a "Team Twitarded" sign. We will not be sober--at all--so approach us at your own risk).

After our Robstengate post, I receive this from Sister Snarky:

I am just a a little bit mortified about how much thought I have put into the whole Rob/Kristen situation but I have been a bit obsessed as well and here is my complete uni-twilight way-over-thought manifesto on the whole situation:

I believe RPattz has totally had it for KStew since they started filming (perhaps even before, because the girl had hand in the fact that he was a fan of her work before he even met her). She totally played the "I am so not interested in you" game so freaking well I thought they should perhaps name a new Oscar category for it. If I had written a book called "The Rules (For Sluts and Bitches)" - which I should come to think of it.... but I digress - there would be a chapter called "How To Get A Really Hot Guy To Totally Want You For Reasons Even He Can't Understand". KStew might have already written this herself as she is a master at it. Here are the basic principles:
  1. Act totally unimpressed by guys complete hotness, even if it includes unbelievably gorgeous face, adorably floppy hair and outrageously charming accent - you must have borderline superpowers to be able to do this, but it is key.
  2. Don't dress or make yourself up in any way that appears like you are trying to be appealing to him (wear flannel shirts, rocker tees, Converse hi-tops, etc., be cool but not sexy - you don't need any man).
  3. Have a smart but nerdish (in a cute way) boyfriend that will make other guy crazy with wonder at how you could want that guy when you could have him.
  4. Be successful with your career or other aspirations but be very humble about it and still exude some cute and charming "quirks" like being shy or clumsy (guys think this is adorable, I don't get if for the life of me).
I am sure there are more I am forgetting, but I can't sit here all day so I am going to wrap this up... KStew played the sluts and bitches rules perfectly but then she started slipping... and this is where we get to my theory - wait for it...... OK here goes:
- KStew knew she had RPatz wrapped around her little finger and was loving it. But then the boyfriend started getting a bit sick of it and she lost that oh-so-important game piece. Next, she made some not so smart comments in various interviews, tarnishing her goofy but quietly intelligent armor. Then came the last straw: the Joan Jett haircut. That's right, we all know what I am talking about - that ugly Billy Ray Cyrus black mullet that someone butchered her with. Suddenly she finds it hard to smirk at her "RPatz wants me" image in the mirror. She starts to doubt herself. Perhaps she is not pretty enough for that demigod anymore... Suddenly things turn and she finds herself breaking all the important s and b rules. She flirts with RPatz, she must have him, she must know that he is still attracted to her... And now - in my opinion it's ruined. They definitely hooked up and all that good sexual tension is gone and I will bet my dog-eared copy of the book that you will sense this missing tension in Eclipse. She should have sat back, waited for the hair to grow back, received all the acclaim she will hopefully get for the Joan Jett movie and then, after filming "Breaking Dawn" where you know they are going to totally trick her out gorgeous for the "changed" Bella - when RPatz is completely salivating with want and you can't ruin any chemistry for your beloved fans - you take him, again and again and again.

There - that's it... in all it's frighteningly detailed glory. Just thought you might want to know...

Love you,

Sister Snarky


Hmmmm... Sister Snarky is a smart cookie and I think she might be on to something...

What do YOU think???

Oh and because some of you asked earlier this week, you can find some great shots of Robsten over at Robsten Lovers (and pretty much anywhere else you look!)!

A taste -





*Props to the original queens of breakin' it down, those Twi-crazy chicks UC & Moon over at Letters To Twilight!

31 comments:

  1. BTW we won't be around to comment tonight because we WILL be in Central Park in NYC watching Twilight under the stars, on the big screen! SQUEEE! Er, we may be doing this in the rain, which is less-squee-worthy, but still...

    : )

    We'll be tweeting until we're too drunk to text or lose our phones, so you can follow our shenanigans there if you want to !

    Snarky out...

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  2. Enjoy the Movie!! Do we need to start up the bail money fund???

    Sister Snarky Rocks...

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  3. Hi Snarky and Snarky sister...great writing....and Uhhh, nice pic.

    I agree 100 % with the blog, I HOPE that the sexual chemistry is still there for Eclipse...my fav.
    Enjoyed the Demigod and "again and again and again".

    KStew is made of sterner stuff than I, one look from him and I would be putty, and would probably NOT look great either. Drooling and wheezing comes to mind.

    Pic number 2 of 3 irks me. They both look as though they have had food poisoning..and does Rob have a bowling pin in his right hand??

    So you off to the park tonight huh, Have fun.

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  4. Kudos to Sister Snarky! To my chagrin, I've been thinking about it too, and have concluded along the same lines as SS. The only thing I have to add is that I don't blame KStew for not being able to hold out for Breaking Dawn. She is only 19 after all, and not all worldly sophisticated like we are. Plus she just got out of that long-ass relaysh with Oregano. (NO 19 year old belongs in a 5 year relationship.) Anyway I do agree that she blew it (pun NOT intended because I really don't want to contemplate "the mullet" on the other end of that vampsicle-ick) I do think Rob will lose interest, and may even end up a little moody and broody about it, but he will have no problem finding someone to help him console. Maybe an older, wiser, more experienced....ahem....where was I?

    Have fun in the park. Wish I was there.

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  5. Ah so glad I read your comment! Now I'm considering going to Central Park tonight! It might rain tonight so bring an umbrella. =)

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  6. I am so glad I am not heading to NYC this weekend until tomorrow b/c I know I would be tempted to go to the screening, but am still so in the closet.

    Man, everyone hates on KStew's style, but I'm down with it. I think she has the rocker/I-don't-give-a-fuck-sexy look down to a science. In my experience, men are like putty in the hands of girls who are cute AND achieve this level of cool/I-dont-give-a-fuck-ness. I don't even mind the mullet. My prob with KStew is she gives me the impression she's really full of herself. Did you see that interview on Letterman where she casually said something about how she had always wanted to do that whole education/harvard/ivy league thing, but she has issues with authority. I wanted to stab her vapid little brain out for A) assuming she could get into the ivy league and B) the dumb, cliche, teen-angsty-ness of the whole 'damn the man' thing. I know you're only 19, but do you know how you sound?

    I don't really like speculating about the Robsten thing...maybe because of this disdain for the Stew. I just hope they don't have a huge messy break up or whatever and create some super awkwardness in the films.

    Lastly, it made me crack up when I read Sister Snarky referring to how they're going to "trick out" KStew for Breaking Dawn, like she's a car. Hilarious.

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  7. Rock on Sister Snarky! So true... so true! You guys should really check out the KStew/Robsten video K_InTheFlo just made. I posted it on my blog!! Have fun at the screening!! Wish I was there, drunk, with you guys!

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  8. 1. LUCKY! I soooooo wish I lived in NYC so I could go to the screening. You'd think Phoenix would have more Twilight related activities, since it is Bella's home town and all. Nope. Nada. Just that lame convention last weekend. Phoenix sucks balls.

    2. I'd rather see Rob with KStew than a former Disney Kid. (but she still irritates me)

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  9. Awww, I want to go to the movie (stomps foot)! Coming from CA, if I leave right now, will I make it? Oh wait, obligations such as a husband and kids might delay me indefinately. Oh well, have fun in Twilight Land. **Cheers!**

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  10. Gasp! I received 3 missed calls from a NYC area code earlier and had no clue who it was. You girls were calling to invite me tonight, weren't you? Right?! That's so sweet but I live in f*ing Colorado and can't get there in time. A little notice, next time, okay?

    (Or maybe Rob's in the big apple doing a little post-prod work and wanted to hook up. Hmmm... maybe a wrong number - nah!)

    Loved the break-down Sister Snarky. Still think he could do better, that's just me:-)

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  11. OFF-TOPIC DISCOVERY I WAS EXCITED ABOUTAugust 21, 2009 at 4:46 PM

    ...I just found out I can open a web browser window under "private session" and it won't show up in the web browser history --SCORE!

    After yesterday's sparkly peen post I was worried that someone in my family and/or houseguest would sign me up for the perv parade, take away my children, and generally just look at me funny, so I did some investigating with history deletions, which I concluded would have been way too obvious and invited more questions.

    Sorry for the somewhat off-topic post, but I, like some of you, are way undercover with this twilight obsession and prefer not to die of embarrassment.

    On internet explorer it's under "tools" (why does EVERYTHING sound so dirty after chatting with you all?)And this is only good for the at-home computer because the thing says it doesn't block the "administrator" (your boss?) from seeing the private browser history.

    Just had to share...
    TwiFixx

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  12. AMEN sister snarky!

    But could you please leave out some of the details the next time:

    "...you take him, again and again and again."

    Once will do...no need to spit on my grave...

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  13. Yay Sister Snarky! And so jealous that you get to see Twilight in Central Park. Wish I could be there! On an upnote, I got my stuff from Cafe Press today! Can't wait to drink my coffee out of my shiny new Twitarded mug in the morning!!

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  14. Dear Anonymous re; OFF-TOPIC DISCOVERY

    It works, Thanks!!! I have been trying to clear all 28,000 views of rpatz (ok, not so many) before DH figures out he has competition.

    Jaima

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  15. I totally agree with Sister Snarky. There is definitely sexual chemistry between them & I think she was toying with him & has been playing him. Not that I blame her. heh
    I'm totally jealous of ya'lls Central Park expedition!

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  16. @mmMoxie "Phoenix sucks balls." Haha, it's so true. Stephenie Meyer lives here, Bella is from here, and yet...nothing. All I get out of living here is 3rd degree burns from from steering wheel!

    Maybe it's because we don't have a Central Park. We have a fucking desert. And a Walgreens on every corner.

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  17. Pretty astute analysis, if I do say so myself! I agree, the trick to games like this is to never, but ever let the cover slip. Once you do it's all over. And for the record I've never achiever perfection. I can keep it up for a bit, like a few weeks, but at 19 I'd have blown it for sure.

    And the pressure cooker does interesting things to human psychology, there've been times where I've aimed to "Get a Really Hot Guy To Like You, etc etc" only to completely go off him once I have him because I blew a fuse from playing it cool. Or I dropped the ball somehow, and had to get over him as the game was up. Or I gets 'im but he ends up liking me waaaay more than I intended. Tough stuff...

    Great e-mail!

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  18. OK - two things...

    First: I may or may not have mentioned that I do community theatre and recently worked on a production of Romeo and Juliet. The director told R&J to hold off "getting busy" until after the show because it would ruin the sexual heat they had on stage.

    For the record, they never did - on or off stage but it sure looked like they could! The chemistry was incredible!

    Second:

    I have been in Rob's place. When I was his age, I fell ass over tea kettle for a guy who was a a wee bit younger but was coming out of a 5-year relationship. It totally screwed him up and he took me along for the ride. I ended up like Bella in New Moon - he just left me with no real explanation and I was years getting over him.

    If I could say one thing to Rob right now (this is if the Robsten thing is real), I would tell him to slow down, don't close yourself off to other options and don't get sucked into the drama because, you know there is drama there....

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  19. Word to your sister. I think she nailed it. And yes, Rob already had a thing for K after seeing her in Into The Wild - that is why he agreed to audition for Twilight.

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  20. I do agree with some of your points but as it goes , youth is wasted on the young ..I think we are giving her way to much credit ...after all she is 19 , ok so she is not your typical kid but so what ? she's still young ..part of me wants to belief that she has not clue and that the one who is playing it cool is Rob but either way so what ?...
    My grand ma used to say that we should never allowed man to truly know all of us, to keep them guessing and I tell you what I have been with mine 15 yrs and no so often know only ones in a while I still come from the left just to keep him on his toes ..granted at 19 there would have been no way I would of done this for a long period of time ,so my hat off to her ...all I know is that you can feel the sexual chemistry this 2 have thru picts , all that tension has to sooner or latter give way I don't blame her at all better yet good for them ....
    Sister Snarky great blog ...
    Your girls have fun tonight ...

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  21. Just look at the way Rob and Kristen look at each other in these pics! BTW, I loved Sister Snarky's theory. Now I just need to find a really, really hot guy and try it!

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  22. Hahahaaha! "Have a smart but nerdish (in a cute way) boyfriend that will make other guy crazy with wonder at how you could want that guy when you could have him."

    I can't begin to get into this whole Robsten thing again, but hilarious breakdown, SS!

    I hope you guys had a good time and didn't die in the humidity. I was planning to go to the Central Park viewing tonight with two of my BFFs but we all decided our hair was more important so I invited them over for a Blu-ray viewing. HATE THE WEATHER HERE!

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  23. Too sleepy after a full day taking care of four children...need alcohol. Simply put-Sista Snarky rocks and is all over this like a donkey on a waffle.

    Hope Twilight in Central Park was grand--can't wait to hear the re-cap. Night-Night Twitards.

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  24. OMG, I missed Twilight in Central Park? This feels even worse than missing the Dalai Lama when he spoke there!

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  25. I soooo wish I didn't live in BFE and could go to things like that!

    Sister Snarky, you pegged it, girl!

    HEY, STY & JJ...wake up and tell us about your night! Post pix!

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  26. sister snarky is great! I don´t like Kstew at all (yeah, I´ve said it) and I don´t think she´s rpatzz worthy, and I would like to understand wtf is going on with her hair!!! It´s always weird! Specially that last pic... why is the top sooo much lighter that the bottom?!?!?!?!? I´m not getting into the Joan Jett haircut... she should have got a wig...
    Sister Snarky should have a special thing on the blog...like a column or something!

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  27. I don't think your sister could BE MORE correct!!!

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    ReplyDelete
  29. Ah so glad I read your comment! Now I'm considering going to Central Park tonight! It might rain tonight so bring an umbrella. =)

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  30. I am so glad I am not heading to NYC this weekend until tomorrow b/c I know I would be tempted to go to the screening, but am still so in the closet.

    Man, everyone hates on KStew's style, but I'm down with it. I think she has the rocker/I-don't-give-a-fuck-sexy look down to a science. In my experience, men are like putty in the hands of girls who are cute AND achieve this level of cool/I-dont-give-a-fuck-ness. I don't even mind the mullet. My prob with KStew is she gives me the impression she's really full of herself. Did you see that interview on Letterman where she casually said something about how she had always wanted to do that whole education/harvard/ivy league thing, but she has issues with authority. I wanted to stab her vapid little brain out for A) assuming she could get into the ivy league and B) the dumb, cliche, teen-angsty-ness of the whole 'damn the man' thing. I know you're only 19, but do you know how you sound?

    I don't really like speculating about the Robsten thing...maybe because of this disdain for the Stew. I just hope they don't have a huge messy break up or whatever and create some super awkwardness in the films.

    Lastly, it made me crack up when I read Sister Snarky referring to how they're going to "trick out" KStew for Breaking Dawn, like she's a car. Hilarious.

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  31. OFF-TOPIC DISCOVERY I WAS EXCIApril 29, 2011 at 10:37 AM

    ...I just found out I can open a web browser window under "private session" and it won't show up in the web browser history --SCORE!

    After yesterday's sparkly peen post I was worried that someone in my family and/or houseguest would sign me up for the perv parade, take away my children, and generally just look at me funny, so I did some investigating with history deletions, which I concluded would have been way too obvious and invited more questions.

    Sorry for the somewhat off-topic post, but I, like some of you, are way undercover with this twilight obsession and prefer not to die of embarrassment.

    On internet explorer it's under "tools" (why does EVERYTHING sound so dirty after chatting with you all?)And this is only good for the at-home computer because the thing says it doesn't block the "administrator" (your boss?) from seeing the private browser history.

    Just had to share...
    TwiFixx

    ReplyDelete

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