Sunday, August 30, 2009

Twilight Merch I Want! Er, and Some That I Don't...

So I spent a little time over at Esty checking out the Twilight merchandise offerings (all 13, 644 of them) and found an amazing assortment of stuff. Some of it is beautiful and clever and well-made and I want it!! Some of it, well, not so much any of that... I'm not linking to anything here because it's not nice to poke fun and well I am totally poking fun at some stuff, but c'mon - can I really be expected to show that much self control all the time? No. I cannot. My name is not "Nicer Than You" after all, and while I might not always be a snarky bitch, well, usually I live up to my name. Anyhoo, Etsy has a search box and I happen to know that you folks are all clever enough to use it.

Stuff that made me wish I'd won the $333 million dollar mega-millions jackpot so that I could accessorize with nothing but Twilight gear:

I love this. I had one of these in my hot little mitts a few weeks back when I was at a flea market with my mom, but when she fixed a puzzled gaze at me and asked what I wanted it for, I chickened out and moved on (c'mon, Mamma Snarky - READ THE BOOK ALREADY! then I can tell you about my all-consuming passion and this blog. So please, read it, ok???).

I'm not Team Jacob (obvs) and I've still a little skeeved out about the whole imprinting thing, but if things were different, I'd wear this in a hot 108-degree heartbeat.

I love lip balm. And that's a HUGE understatement. Like some of my bloggy friends (I'm lookin' at you, Latchkey Wife!), I NEED lip balm. A friend introduce me to Carmex a loooong time ago and while I've branched out as far as brands go, I've been an addict ever since. I am fussy over my balms, but what could be better than a mash-up of my Twilight obsession and my lip balm obsession? Nothing, that's what.

Mr. Snarky might get jealous if I wear one half of this and JJ wears the other, but he would never wear it (because he's not a smitten teenager) and although JJ and I really want the "Lion/Lamb" thing, neither one of us has really come to terms with the fact that she's the sick masochistic lion and I'm the stupid lamb. But we've taken multiple "What character are YOU?!" Twilgiht tests, and it is what it is...

I don't have kids and neither does JJ, but if either one of us were to get knocked up, we'd have to come clean and credit Twilight and Twiporn.

There are tons of Etsy merchants (ok, at least two) who are offering to Cullenize you. If I ever managed to get a picture of myself that wasn't icky where my eyes weren't droopy and I didn't have five chins and a weird smile, I might consider it. Until then, I'll stick with Robward's Cullenization.

Noteworthy stuff that I might not order even if I had $333 million dollars:

You've probably seen this around recently. It's fucking frightening. JJ is going away next week and I would consider hanging this up in her house while she's away but I am afraid that the shock upon seeing it might kill her. And that would make me sad.

This is actually a Rainbow Bright doll that has been, um, revamped (ha!). It is scary. 'Nuff said.

Digitized "Spider Monkey" wall hanging??? No? Not feeling it??? Me either.

This is "Alice's Wand"- as in "magic wand" - and it comes in Bella flavor, too. I know that there is some Harry Potter/Twilight crossover, but I think this is pushing it.

This is yarn. The person selling it calls it "Edward's Hair." I have nothing to say to that.

And saving the best for last...

This is the "La Push" veil. It frightens me on many levels. I think I had one of these doll-heads when I was a kid and while I may have done some fucked up stuff to it, I never did anything this freaky to it. Or tried to sell it.

This is "Esme's veil" - those are real flowers that have been dried. Badly. And please note the jagged edge of the veil fabric. I am sure that the person who made this had good intentions and meant well, but it still gives me chills for some reason. And not the good kind.

And that's it for this episode of "Adventures in TwiMerch!" - hope you enjoyed it! It's getting late and I am going to go watch THAT long Robward video a few more times before I hit the sack in an effort to channel some VERY good dreams! And just to warn you, JJ's ML is back from his month-long cross-country band tour and I am practically dead to her for the time being because I didn't go away for a month and I don't have a penis, so be prepared for an overdose of Snarky posts this week (sorry - I will try to raise the bar a tad from here on out, but there was much sangria consumed at my neighorhood block party earlier today).


  1. Can't figure out the pic on the bracelet...what is it?

    I HAVE to have the lip balm! I am a total chapstick/lip balm freak! Hate lipstick, tho.

    My hubby (before he was my hubby) and I had matching necklaces similar to that. OMG, he must have really wanted in my pants to wear that! I guess it worked!

    Not planning on any more babies, but if I did get knocked up again, there's no doubt in my mind that he/she would be wearing this onesie!

    Edwards hair...WTF? That's just...creepy.

    STY, hope your party was lots of fun! I'm off to watch THAT video once more before dragging my DH off to bed to celebrate his birthday (again). It was Friday and we're still celebrating...thank you Rob Porn and Fan Fic! SHHHHH...don't tell him that tho! *evil grin*

    PS - VW is tiesi, which gives me an idea...anyone have any silk scarves I could borrow?

  2. @TwiWeasel - I love reading your comments and your avatar cracks me up! It sounds like Mr. TwiWeasel is a lucky man (and yes he totally wanted your lady bits BAD if he did the half-heart thing - lol!)- and I am also a big fan of the "Birthhday Weekend" instead of one lil' ol' "Birthday" - I'm not getting any younger so might as well whoop it up, right? Any excuse for a celebrations is fine in my book...

  3. Okay I'm with Twiweasel, whats on the bracelet? Ive read all the books twice, and the first one three times, but I do tend to miss stuff and I dont know where that bracelet comes in. Fill me in so I can lust over it too?
    Also, I really really want one of those be safe rings. *sigh* Am I too cheap to pay 7.00 for one? Yes, yes I am.

  4. twimerch on etsy makes me piss my pants (either from sheer "i want that" joy, or from complete and total horror and fright).

    OMFG OMFG OMFG. the veils? THE VEILS!?! THE.VEILS. the animal hanging on the la push veil is most def a WEINER DOG. and that barbie has some serious $1 dolla hooker blue eyeshadow going on.

    twi-baby/twi-toddler merch makes me SQUEE though. love it :). unfortunately, my son's conception can't be credit to something as classy as twilight or twiporn. it was budlight. not gonna lie.

  5. The friggen veils kill me. Who makes shit like that? I could come up with some fantabu scrapbook creation constructed by my toes that would look better than that & have the decency to put my teenage niece instead of that beauty supply crackhead doll thing.... But that was twifriggen tastic to see that craft abmonination. LOL so yeah, the saint bracelet, I picked some up a few months ago in LA but The ones I got have the virg Mary all up on it. I guess I didn't pay to close attention to the deets.

  6. im gonna pass on alot of that stuff.... very much weirded me out

  7. That shower curtain would freak me out, but that 'Imprinted' necklace is something that I could very much get on board with :)

  8. You are SO nicer than me!!! When I put up my TwiMerch Fail I linked the shit outta it!!! Maybe not nice, but, if you want some of that glow in the dark RPattz soap, you gotta know where to find it ... right?!?

    (and really am going to make an edward hair scarf for this fall!)

  9. Also, the saints bracelet is from the movie, Catherine Hardwicke says she wore one the whole time they were filming, and that KStew wears it in all but two scenes.

    The wand is funny, but, the veils kill me! How much were they selling them for?

    Do you think the shower curtain could scare the shit outta ya more than FSE?

  10. I knit. I saw the Edward's Hair yarn and started drooling. Maybe the dyer could've been more creative with naming the colorway, but I get it. It's bronze... like his hair. The veils though? Ack!

    Off to explore Twinatic's link...

    P.S. They've also had some fun handmade Twimerch posts at LTT.

  11. The veil!!!! Oh my...this world is heading the wrong way...

  12. Do people buy the crap towards the end? I love the top stuff, (minus the imprint necklace) and would totally buy it, but the rest.. eh, totally f*cked. seriously, a veil? and not a good one at that. I hope I don't see any brides with that. Seriously.

  13. That lip balm will be MINE mutha fucka! And I have to say, all that other creepy shit, was, well, creeeeeepy! Edward's hair? WTF?

    I agree with STY, TwiWeasel, you're avatar rocks!

  14. @Twinatic - an Edward hair scarf?! Bwahahaha!!! Bet you could sell em' on Etsy - lol!

  15. Those veils are frightening!! I keep peeking at them to see if they get any better, but they only get worse!

    And "Alice's Wand"... I won't even comment on how stupid that is...(guess I just did).

    Lip balm - that's a definite! I see stocking stuffers for Christmas this year....

  16. I thought it was the bracelet from the movie, I just didn't realize there was anything on the "stones."

    RE: DH would have worn that shirt once upon a time...His latest says MY PENIS HUGE! There is a picture of a pen in the background right between PEN and IS. His Bib Sis gave it to him. Said she got it cheap cuz it was a typo LOL. (BTW...She is also the only one who still calls to me as "Weasel" on a regular basis. I just added the Twi for obvious reasons.) She'd make such a great Twitard if I could just change her...

    The Veils...I don't get it. And the barbie heads alone freak me out. My 6 yo daughter got one for her birthday and I won't let her bring it out of her room. (Barbie head, not the veil, although I wouldn't allow THAT out of her room, either.)

    My 9 yo (you know, the Jacob lover) would love the imprinted I won't show her. Although I did let her design her own school bag and took it to be embroidered with "Wolf Girl" and "Team Jacob" & stuff like that. Perhaps I'll send a pic...maybe.

    The Vampire Kisses lip balm for stocking stuffers...I could go for that, and I'm sure my fam would figure out exactly how far into my twisession I am! I'm beginning to not give a fuck, tho! Every day, I'm a little closer to coming completely out of the TwiCloset! (To more than just you guys and my kids!)

    The wands...Harry Potter is Harry Potter, and Twilight is Twilight. Who the fuck keeps trying to mix the two? Now I love HP as well, but the Vamps would totally kick his ass! ;)

    Well, off to work...hopefully will have a better week. My Twat Waffle boss is gone again.

  17. Sigh. I have to admit that when I saw the heart pendants my first thought was 'Ooooh, STY and I should get that.' And my next thought was "what the fuck is wrong with me that I just had that first thought?"

    And if you even think about putting that shower curtain up when I'm gone next week, I'm totally making the 'La Push veil' an integral part of the Maid of Honor outfit, should I ever get married.

    And the wand thing is just baffling. When I read 'Alice's Wand' the only thing that came to mind was 'dildo'. Because there ARE NO WANDS IN TWILIGHT. Granted, there weren't dildos, either (well Mike Newton was kind of a dildo but that's a different story...)

  18. The veils *shudder*. But even worse is the Rainbow Brite doll. Simply terrifying.

  19. I think I had nightmares about floating Barbie heads with ugly veils--aaaaah! I seem to have blocked it out by waking up to GQ Rob on my bedstand--that always makes the bad things go away.

    I seriously considered the St. Jude bracelet a while ago but never did get it. I hardly ever wear my Forks, WA t-shirt (maybe b/c I live in Seattle and people would either get it and roll their eyes at me or wonder why the hell I gave a shit about Forks--it is seriously one of the more uninteresting towns in Washington except for the fact it is on the Olympic Peninsula and is now home to the Twilight Great Migration.)

    I think the digitized "Spider Monkey" picture would look WAY cooler if it was Pocket Edward on there--now that I could get behind.

    As always STY thanks for doing all this legwork.

  20. @LKW - Wow, Latchkey LUBE!!

    God that plastic dolls head with the 70's eyeshadow, freaks me the fuck out. Kinda looks like my aunt many moons ago! haha

    Yuck and the headband with somesort of animal hanging - why is his schlong hanging out??


  21. The veils....
    What were they thinking?!?

    My fave piece of twi-merch came from Forks.... I found a t-shirt that says "Forks Makes Me Wet" with a rain drop.

  22. Wow, some of this stuff is stupid. And creepy. I like the St Jude bracelet though. He's my patron saint. Hmmm, the patron saint of hopeless cases. It explains a lot, now that I think about it... Way to go Mom. Pretty appropriate for Bella too, dontcha think? ;)

    WTF is with those veils?! Would people seriously consider wearing those things at their weddings? An Edward's Hair scarf, on the other hand...get knitting, Pam R! I know it's kinda creepy, but still...

    @STY: I have the same problem with photos. It's like there's some voodoo curse on me that has me make a weird face every time a camera's pointed at me. It sucks!

  23. I think I must be "not a real fan" because I can't remember the bracelet, other than the fact she was wearing one in the movie. Was it mentioned in the books? I've only read it like 20 times...Those other things are way scary.

  24. I remember wanting the bracelet after going through the Director's book and seeing it. Then I saw it on Ebay for like $10. Since I'm Catholic, my hubby will just think I'm a good little mommy, little does he know I'd be wearing it to represent my love for Twilight (shit wait, I'm not worshiping false idols, I swear!)
    But you know what merch I like best...YOURS!

  25. Oh my! What exactly are you supposed to do with that knitted hair? Maybe you could stick it on a hat and dance around. The shower curtain is scary. It would scare the crap out of me to have to get up in the middle of the night having this giant head looming above the toilet.

  26. @ Barbara - Yes, the shower curtain is a bit scary, but just think of how close his mouth would be to your naughty parts! Bwahahahaha!

  27. Just wanted to say how much I f-in love this blog, you two are hilarious! Found this site about 1 month ago and have fully embraced my Twitardedness. Two other incidents made me realize this and I just wanted to share them with you. #1, I have removed my 13 year old sister from my Christmas shopping list due to the fact that she refuses to read Twilight(I think she's the only teen alive who hasn't) and she doesn't like Rob Pattinson (WTF! I know, I'm still trying to turn her to the dark side). And #2, while talking to my 30-something Twilight obsessed aunt I found myself arguing with her 6 year old over which one of us had a bigger crush on Robward (since she's 6 and can't use the internet I declared myself the winner!) After that I realized I wasn't just Twi-Obsessed or Twi-addicted, I am Twitarded! So thanks for making me feel at home here!

  28. @JJ "When I read 'Alice's Wand' the only thing that came to mind was 'dildo'. Because there ARE NO WANDS IN TWILIGHT."

    Yeah, I have to admit that's EXACTLY where my mind travelled too!

    I'm trying desparately not to SQUEE myself into a heart attack.

    Today my boyfriend announced he's bringing me to Vancouver this weekend as a late birthday gift for me and and early birthday gift for him.......believe it or not he has NO idea that Eclipse is filming there....I need to come up with a few ways of tricking him into I mean..."looking up" the set locations....any ideas Twitards????

  29. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! That "Edward's hair" nearly killed me :D
    - Lorabell

  30. um...does anyone else see the resemblance between the edward shower curtain and billy idol..?

  31. Hilarious as always!!!

    My pc died on sunday before I left from Canada. I am hijacking my sisters andd converting her also!!!

    I am lookihg for the twitarded shirt this upcoming weekend.

    I have so many posts to catch up on!!!


  32. I have officially considered myself a Twilight Addict. I fell in love with the "Imprinted" necklace thing so i hopped my happy go lucky arse right onto Esty and found it. With the purchase of that and several other Twilight realted things from Esty and Zazzle, I've decided I'm officially worthy of the Twilight Addict name, as opposed to just the Twilight Fanatic name that I had claimed. *sigh* My life is no longer mine.

  33. The friggen veils kill me. Who makes shit like that? I could come up with some fantabu scrapbook creation constructed by my toes that would look better than that & have the decency to put my teenage niece instead of that beauty supply crackhead doll thing.... But that was twifriggen tastic to see that craft abmonination. LOL so yeah, the saint bracelet, I picked some up a few months ago in LA but The ones I got have the virg Mary all up on it. I guess I didn't pay to close attention to the deets.


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