Friday, October 23, 2009

It's Friday Night in Twitardedville and All I Got Was This Lousy Blog Post

It's Friday night in Twitardedville. It's been a long day and my back hurts from bending over my desk so my workload can fuck me in the ass.

Me at work, minus the nice lighting and James Spader. And way, way, WAY less sexy. Okay, my shit is nothing like this but you get the idea.

But life is good. I'm sitting on the computer, browsing Twilight-related blogs, listening to Twigasm and sucking down a bottle of vino through a straw cuz' I'm tres classy, bitches. Maybe ten years ago I'd be getting ready to go out for the night - showering, shaving given the off-chance I might trick some hapless young lad to come back to whatever shoulda-been-condemned hellhole I was living in at the time and, more than likely, smoking cigarette after cigarette while guzzling ridiculously cheap beer. While I remember those times (vaguely, admittedly) with a certain amount of nostalgia, the only thing I really miss are those fucking smokes. Hot damn I miss those smokes.
This picture is absolutely torturous for me. I'm not sure what I want more - the cigarette or the man. [note from STY - I saw this pic and went looking for my fave Robward smoking pic and five pages into my Google image search my lady-bits spontaneously combusted and I had to go take care of that situation. Seriously - I quit smoking what - six years ago? and would totally start again in a nanosecond given the opportunity to bum a smoke off of RPatts... I practically have nic-fits just looking at him holding a ciggie...]

Where was I? Oh yeah, Twiland.

Any. Way. Life is good. There are 27 (aww, c'mon, this day is almost over - 26 days) looooong more days until New Moon and every time I even think about it I get all hopped up like a kid on Christmas Morning when you knew you were getting that fucking bike. Or Laser Tag. Or Nintendo. Whatever, you know what I mean. [note from STY: I got a pony - not for Christmas, but still - a friggin' PONY, and I have also never been this excited.]

As you all know, SnarkierThanYou and I are going to see the New Moon Premiere a leeetle earlier than most of you folks and are planning on hobnobbing with a few other bloggers in the great city of New York. Rumor also has it that a certain young British, fuckhawt actor may also be in the same city.

Oh yes. That's right. RPattz and Twitarded in New York. Together. Yet soooo far apart. Which is probably a good thing for all parties involved since I'd really rather not have embarrassing photos of me sobbing and throwing myself at RPattz's feet, where I would probably totally just poop my pants.

RPattz? RPaaaaaatttz... where are yoooouuuuuu?

Then again, mortification and me are really good buds and I'm quite comfortable in it's presence. Therefore, I think we're going to try to hunt him down, half-heartedly of course. You know, typical Twitarded style.

STY - OMG!!! RPattz was seen on 52nd and 7th!!!
Me - Duuuuuuude, that's too far. We're on 48th and 7th. Where's the subway?
STY - [Considering] Meh, you're right. Let's just get a drink instead. What time is it?
ME - [Rolling eyes] You know the rules. You can drink alone and you can drink before noon. But you can't drink alone before noon. Annnnd we're not alone!! We're with each other!
STY - [Throws arms around me in complete adoration] You're right!! I love you bff.
[STY and JJ totter off arm in arm, RPattz completely forgotten.]

Yeah. Right.

{{Sigh.}} Let's face it: the end result of the above conversation would more likely be STY and I racing through the streets, shoving tourists and old ladies into oncoming traffic, dodging bike messengers and vaulting over homeless people to find the set or wherever the fuck RPattz is.
We would track RPattz like fucking Twi-ninjas and we would find him. Oh yes, we would find him. And then I would throw myself at his feet sobbing and poop my pants. [note from STY - wear Depends if you must but let's do this thang...]


Fuck me, I'm just all over the fucking place today, aren't I?

There is a reason for this, I swear. Half-way through this post it occurred to me that I have not yet watched Twilight in my new holy-shit-I-own-this-shizz house so...

Happy Friday, Twitards!!! Muhwa! I'm outta here!


  1. Happy Friday! I live in NY...and I was OH so close all summer long...
    Love your palacial diggs!!!

    Great usual...

  2. JJ. You are too cute and I love you. Happy Friday to you and if I liked wine, I'd be drinking a glass with you. But I like my wine fresh as in Welch's Grape Juice. (Sorry, it's yummy). Congrats on your new digs and now go devirginize the Twilight out of your TV in the new jerkface home.

  3. Awww, you're gorgeous. I love how the glass of wine is twice as big as your head.

  4. @Lisa - We prefer to call glasses of wine in my house hold 'big gulps'.

  5. I'm sitting here getting my Twifix trying to be all covert and shit b/c my husband has been giving me the "are you sure you don't just wanna go to bed a little early" wink.....I thought I was going to get through this quietly....then you had to go and talk about pooping yourself and throwing old ladies into oncoming traffic. It was at this point that I actually shot wine out of my nose in an unsuccessful attempt to stifle my fit of laughter.

    So a burning nose and a couple of euphoric tears later....I am writing to say thank you for cracking my shit up yet again!!!

    All hail the BIG GULP wine glass!

  6. JJ - Cheers! *raises my Bud Light*

    I just watched "Haunted Airman" and I am confused. Iz ok cause I got to drool over The Precious but did not follow the story AT ALL. At the end, all I could think was "Edward would have just bit her and drained all her blood.."

    I am going back to my beer and read some Twiporn. How pathetic am I?

    Oh, like you, if I ever meet Rob, no doubt I would be an idiotic mess of drool and I would also need depends.

  7. I don't even bother with a wine glass, I just get out the tall tumbler (or pounder, whichever's closer) and filler up!

    Very good night to de-twicherry your new house!

    is it just me or are these weeks getting longer and longer?

    I'm considering looking into how much cryo sleep chamber time I can get for the ten bucks I found in the laundry...

    (you're not the only one being terribly random...)

  8. JJ you are so beautiful!

    HILARIOUS POST! I am home alone tonight, I think I will be watching some twilight tonight too...maybe with the commentary...i will wear something smexy and pretend Rob is here, and we will make fun of his peacoat and bouffant together, and he will realize we were meant to be together and-*clears throat* will be good times. yep. =)

  9. Cheers JJ! I love that photo of you with the ginormous glass (you need more wine in there) in your new freakin' awesome digs. I am getting a glass of wine right now.

    I can't wait to hear all about you two RPattz stalking in NYC--even if it does end with you two going shot for shot in a bar.

    True story: My four year old came up to me today and said "Mama I want to watch Edward." My work is done.

    Happy Fondle Friday!

    v/w: worper--duhoy.

  10. Cheers! I'm glad you're finally all moved in and back online.

    Can't wait to hear about your Rob stalking adventures. I don't ever want to meet him. I have a fear of meeting my heros because I know the day of the encounter he'd be grumpy or annoyed, call me an old lady, and tell me to go fuck myself. My fantasy would be ruined. I'm not willing to risk it.

  11. I raise my rum and coke to you!

    Now to mix another and continue reading The Office. Thanks so much for that referral! I think it will get me by during the whole New Moon abstinance.


    (Still waiting for my Twitarded liquor mug to show up- hopefully Monday! Then the rum will taste sooo much sweeter:))

  12. Got my wine too, but lent my movie to someone today. Sigh... it'll be worth it if she joins my coven. I loaned her New Moon too. She's a little embarrassed so I wrapped them up in blank paper for her to pick up at our office. Oh, and I labeled the package as "Heroin or Porn. Possibly both. Please hold for ..." I wonder why I haven't heard from her yet??

    Love your new foyer - have a great night!

  13. JJ drink one for me cause I'm at Hotel Hell all weekend and having to deal with Twat Nuggets that are here for our University's Homecoming...BOOOOO

  14. I feel like that post just answered the age old question of "What do you get when you mix an ADHD Twitard, RPattz & a spastic colon?"

    @JJ--Enquiring minds want to know: Is the deodorant still on the dining room table?

    @KG--Shit! Do you have a camera in my house? That's how I watch Twilight. And if you are watching me, it's laundry day; I usually dress better than this.

  15. Hey JJ with all your moving experience, maybe you could come down here in abt 2 weeks to move me... Muhhahhha I get to sign papers next Friday... Then I get to move before opening night...

    Love your new digs... and your pic..


  16. If that shit goes down with you and STY chasing Rpattz around NYC, please take a camera, so we can have a slideshow presentation after.
    (..and this is where I pooped in my

    Cheers, I raise my can of Cranberry Ginger Ale. (could I be anymore like an 83 year old Nana?)

  17. Hey JJ!
    Happy Friday!
    (Although I guess technically it's Saturday).

    Just wanted to say that you and STY crack me up big time. I look forward to coming to the blog everyday. I'm still up now because I somehow managed to volunteer myself to host a bachelorette party for someone I've met maybe 5 times. Yeah, don't ask. I'm having fun making drunken watermelon and alcoholic gummy bears. I've done neither of them before but hopefully they'll turn out. The gummies are in the slimy/burning stage.

    Anyway, totally off topic (although was the above "on topic"?) but I wanted to tell you about my FSE story.

    So I bought Edward MONTHS ago last time I went to the States. (I'm Canadian. I talked myself out of buying him the first time I saw him but then had to buy him a month later). So anyway, he's been sitting behind my door, in his platic bag and I've felt too dorky to put him up. Today however, inspired by the post from you ladies a while back about scaring people with FSE, I decided to set him up.
    I made it home before my sister and set him up in her room so that when she opened the door she would see him immediately. Planned worked exactly - she screamed and I laughed (and then she laughed and called me a bitch). So, prank successfully pulled, I put Edward back in my room. I went downstairs, made a sandwich, and not even 30 mins later realized that my BB was in my room. I headed upstairs, opened my door and scared the crap out of myself (and started choking on said sandwich). Curse you Karma! (and my terrible memory) *shakes fist* I'd curse Edward, but how can you look into his eyes and not melt? :o)

    Have a great weekend!

  18. A belated 'cheers' to you JJ (seeing as it's now Saturday morning and last night's wine is long gone).

    I love the image of you and STY Twi-ninja'ing through NY after RPattz. I have an image of you both in the style of Volterra Bella on St Marcus's Day, cos I know for a fact when the two of you spot him and push him back into the doorway he's just emerging from he'd be convinced he'd died and that, yes, Carlisle was right ;o).

    Hope you enjoyed Twilight. I hadn't watched it for ages but succumbed the other night. Sadly I noticed that Edward has sweat patches under his arms in the 'What if I'm not the hero' cafeteria scene. Totally ruined it for me and I had to turn it off (although Mr TwiWeasel tried to tell her it was probably just condensation, what with him being so icy cold & all).

    Oh, also just need to share my fears. I'm going on holiday for a few days tomorrow. With no internet. *sob*, will miss you Twitards :'o( xx

  19. @TexasKatherine LOL thats okay...Rob doesn't care what we wear whilst watching, its coming off soon anyways.

    @Cinzia That is freakin' hilarious!! I used to have a FS-Boba Fett and he lived in my closet...and I ALWAYS forgot he was in there! almost pee'd my pants a few times. Come to think of it, I don't know why he was in my closet...probably trying on my shoes or some shit.

  20. Haha! Twi-Ninjas! I love it!

  21. Its Saturday night here in Sydney..and a similar scenario just took place right here.. Minus the big gulp. And pants pooping. But there was Twilight *sigh*...

    Would it be awfully mean of me to rub in the fact that here in Australia New Moon opens a little earlier than in your fair country??

    Fellow Twitarded friend and I are headed off to a 9.30 Twilight screening on Wednesday Nov 18 followed closely by a midnight screening of New Moon in the wee hours of Thursday 19th. Which to you guys is still the 18th.... YAY us! At least there is some benefit to being so fucking far away from the rest of the world. (Is your screening before then JJ?)

    25 days to do - YEAH.

    Congrats on the new digs - glad you have popped its TwiCherry. Cheers!

  22. Cheers to you in your new home!! Love the photo of you with your big ass glass of wine! =))

    (P.S. Great necklace too!!)

  23. Hmm, there seems to have been a lot of Twilight relatedness going on last night. That makes me happy.

    @Twinabler - I hope your husband didn't think you were laughing at him!! I'd hate to think that my poopy issue is causing strife among the readers. LOL. And wine out the nose really fucking hurts. I've been there - I feel your pain.

    @Molly Twinatic - A pounder? I have to look this up. I don't know what that is but it sounds big and dirty. I like it.

    @TexasKatherine - Me, ADHD? Never. I mean- oh looky! I actually sometimes trail off in mid-conversation because something new and different has caught my eye. It's really bad.

    Oh, and the deodorant is no longer on the table. I think, anyway. There is still so much shit around here.

    @VitaminR - Your kid rocks. LOL!!!

    @Suzpetals - HA HA HA! The worst thing is IT is both porn and heroin. I'm sure your coworker was more than pleased to get that package. LOL!

    @Track 10 - We will bring cameras, I promise. They don't delete content on equipment when they arrest you, right? Just curious.

    @cinzia - FSE will scare the crap out of you so many times you will be amazed that you still react that way. And that's awesome that you scared your sister. I am so mean.

    Mmmm Alcohol and gummy bears, my two favorite things. Besides Twilight, natch.

    @BoxerGirlSydney - SO jealous!! You will most definitely be seeing NM before me.

  24. Does that wine glass hold the whole bottle or what? 26 more days 26 more days.... I hate that I don't live closer to NYC because I'd totally be stalking that ass with you. (And I think you know about my stalking resume!!)

    WV: "clisti" - I must be reading to much fanfic because all I saw was "clitsi". Hahaha.

  25. #1 - I highly admire the fucking cleanliness of your big gulp. At my house that shit has water marks and lipstick stains.

    #2 - I work in real estate so let me be the one to congratulate you on that fuckawesome $8000 first time home buyers tax credit. You owned that shit. Plus, your house looks cool as hell.

    #3 - Is your Alice hairstyle intentional? It so works with your face - which is adorable, BTW.

    #4 - I am wearing Depends on 11/20 regardless. I am sure that some version of shitting my pants will occur in the 2:02 during which that movie will be making my constantly Twigasm.

    #5 - I love you and STY like Jamie Lee Curtis loves a good, regular bowel movement.

    Mama Cougar
    The Cougar's Den

  26. @JJ - here's where the omni-nerd comes out ;)

    a pounder is just a bar glass they usually serve beer in, a true pounder is 16oz (although a lot of bars buy 14oz glasses with a thick bottom so it's the same size as a 16oz glass) they come in standard look or fancy shapes. I don't know if calling it a pounder is just a beer drinker thing, a west coast thing, or an 'us' thing, could be any of the above, regardless, there are some people that think pouring yourself 16oz of wine at a pop is excessive ... I obviously am not one of those people! ;)

    and in looking for a visual example for you, I of course found one related to twilight and may need to get it to drink my wine in...

  27. also, if you're not good on your conversions, there's 16oz in a pound.

  28. ah, that makes sense, pounders are also often called pints (if that gives you better reference)

    and now I swear I'll keep the rest of todays nerdiness to myself!

  29. raises glass *cheers* Wouldn't kick you out of bed JJ x

    I'm in England so with the time difference i'm reading this post on Sunday.. (ahaa)

    I'm so glad i'm still able to read your blog guys. I'm having to totally abstein from almost every other blog as i viciously guard my Twi-hymen. (Imagine it with teeth)

    Sigh. That's going to make the 26 odd days even longer. :(

    glad we can count on our lovely twitards for safe passage (fnar) during this time xx

  30. JJ you are fucking adorable!! I love that pic of you, and am slightly jealous of your Friday night. Instead of watching Twilight me and a friend watched Fired Up. Good times, just sayin'. hahaha

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