Tuesday, October 6, 2009

What Google Knows About Twilight

So I was wandering around somewhere in the blogoshpere last week and I came across someone mentioning that they'd entered "Edward Cullen is..." into a search box on Google and one of the options that had popped up was "...right behind you." This cracked me up to no end (some days it doesn't take much; what can I say?) so I decided to give it a whirl myself to see what Google had to say about Twilight & Friends. Apparently, Edward Cullen is no longer right behind me, although someone may have been lurking at my place: FSE/the Edward Cullen standee does have a way of sneaking up on you!

First up, I googled "Twilight is..."

  • horrible
  • sexist [I'll admit that "feminist college-age STY" would be appalled]
  • love on a knife edge in Forks [wtf?!? I think this was a riddle of some sort...]
  • satanic [really?! yup - that's right: Stephenie is really a devil worshipper]
  • poorly written [er...]
  • retarded [Twitarded???]
  • overrated
  • better than Harry Potter [not going there...]
  • awful
  • crap

Why does it look like the haters spend waaaay more time googling random Twilight stuff than the people who adore Twilight??? They are aimless... wandering... google is their only friend...

Next, I did "Edward Cullen is..."

  • an abusive boyfriend
  • a fag [ha! someone has seen "the tuck"]
  • a stalker
  • real [would that it were so!]
  • so beautiful I creamed myself [JJ, have you been googling Edward again??]
  • hot
  • not real
  • a douchebag
  • how old
  • a vampire [really?!? you don't say...]

...and "Bella Swan is..."

  • a Mary Sue [I had to go look this up]
  • Stephenie Meyer [see above - lol]
  • annoying
  • an idiot
  • pathetic
  • pregnant
  • selfish
  • hot
  • a bad role model
  • played by ["I live under a rock!"]

Hmm...How about Robert Pattinson??? "Robert Pattinson is..."

  • dating
  • a jerk
  • a douche
  • dating Kristen Stewart
  • a virgin [ha!]
  • dead [screech!]
  • not hot
  • a fag [my gay friends wish...]
  • so hot
  • hot

...and just to round things out, "Kristen Stewart is..."

  • pregnant
  • weird
  • a horrible actress
  • dating
  • a snob
  • hot
  • awkward
  • a pothead
  • dating Robert Pattinson

Because I am a glutton for punishment, I also googled "Twilight fans are..."

  • insane [er, maybe?]
  • annoying [sometimes...]
  • violent [only when they have to sit next to smelly people on the train]
  • scary [fine, yes, we are. but mostly just to our S/Os and occasionally to RPatts...]

Did I mention I'm a TOTAL glutton for punishment? Perhaps also a tad narcissistic and/or vain? I decided to Google Twitarded is... cricket, cricket... Except this. It looks like Twitardia is going to have to be an off-the-grid militia. At least for a little while. Sorry. But after we off all the bad guys it'll totally be a Twilight utopia! Twitarded pinky-swear.


  1. OMG am I first?? I'm first, I'm first, I'm first!!! Squeeeee....

    What is this post about now?

  2. This post is...

    - Awesome
    - Hysterical
    - Enlightening
    - Genius, as usual

    Twitarded is...

    - Fantastic
    - Addictive
    - Hilarious
    - Genius, as usual

    Ok, I'm gonna shut up now :)

  3. Google can go and fuck itself...twitarded is the sh!t...period.

  4. A Twitarded militia?! Fucking hilarious!! I can see us all now, lining up with weapons in one hand, Pocket Edward in the other. :) Cuz that's how you know it would happen!

  5. Wait, if we have weapons in one hand and PE in the other, how would we hold our drinks? This plan may need more work...

  6. i have an idea! i just googled "twitarded is awesome" like 10 times in hopes of google catching on. if we all google that, when Twitarded is googled, it will eventually suggest "is awesome"... how freakin sweet would that be? we need to spread the message! lol!!! ;)

    love you girlies!

  7. Kristin- you can buy beer drinkng hats off the internet. Here's one site: http://www.shopgadgetsandgizmos.com/product/15187/?gclid=CKCoqor6qZ0CFR5HagodNjRqjA
    Hope that helps.

    Screw what the haters say, at least we don't go about trashing THEIR fandoms (and believe me, some of my Twilight hating friends love Transformers, and I don't go bashing Optimus Prime infront of them, not even when I'm hammered.

  8. Aww op 10 this is totally worth almost getting fired.. Twitarded is freakin awesome.. GOOGLE can go screw itself.. but seeing as it's the sponsor of blogger.. lets all calm down. i like my blog alive.. i like twitarded alive too

  9. "so beautiful I creamed myself" LMFAO

    I googled "Robert Pattinson é " in portuguese to see what people over here think about him,here it goes :
    smells bad
    the most beautiful man on earth

    Kinda lame

    BTW Twitarded is so AWESOME I almost creamed myself

  10. I haven't even read all this (I skimmed--freaking kids are screaming at me that they need to go to bed or something) but all I am going to say is that LatchkeyWife and I have guns. We are both terrible shots (sorry LKW if I am giving away too much here) and they might be hunting guns but we got 'em. Just wanted you to know Twitardia will not go down easily, well maybe easily, but not unarmed.

  11. Hey guys!!! I'm the old MaggieMay...had to change the name for my TwiBite bloggy reasons...ANYWAY...I googled Jacob Black is, and I got
    1)a werewolf
    2)better than Edward Cullen
    4)a shape shifter
    7)so hot

    This idea was sooo freakin' awesome...you guys should be proramming space shuttles or something...genius!!!

  12. For edward cullen or Robert pattinson it should say::

    a walking wet dream
    everyones desire

    any of those work

  13. that is so weird. I don't understand why people who hate Twilight put any fucking effort into hating Twilight. I just want to tell them, stop with your anti blogs, your anti pics... The only peole looking at their gay shit is people who LOVE twilight and feel like laughing. Right?

  14. @ Honolulu Girl, I agree, if you hate something that much, surely you'd just ignore it?!

    One of the DJs on the radio was doing this yesterday (although obv not with Twilight). Go and Google 'what are' ;o)

  15. Wooo! Sorry, had to just post my VW here - cully! Cute nickname huh? lol

  16. I love pinky swears! You point the way STY and I am armed, ready, willing and able to fight. You know I'm all about Twitarded World Dom. *wink wink*

  17. I did Robert Pattinson is... on yahoo
    -not hot
    I would totally add doable to that list

    Edward Cullen is... on yahoo
    -Isabella Swan (Interesting...)

    Where's the love yahoo???!
    I will never understand why, when people 'hate' something, they put so much effort in to hating it?! Way to waste your energy Mr. or Mrs. Joe Blow

    VW "frimpett" I'm gonna start tossing this into convos for the hell of it. I was SO frimpett!!

  18. You are brilliant! A Twitarded Militia!
    So, I know that we have weapons, if necessary (Vit R and LKW have hunting guns, and I have pointy butter-knives and pepper spray), BUT what I NEED to know before I honour and defend Twitardia against the jealous ignoramuses of the world is: What are we going to wear??? ;D

  19. @ awcrap - the Bella birthday dress of course ;o)

  20. Down with the haters. I've got skillz with a gun - er, I just need someone to supply me with one.its been a while :)

    My theory is most of the haters just done get it..plain & simple - or they do get it and are totes embarrassed to admit it. Man up and claim the love I say.

    Twilitia - has a nice ring to it, no?

  21. HA!!! "a Mary Sue"

    That's priceless.

  22. *giggles* great post!! I start to imagine that we all live in a Twi-bubble, while the rest of the world thinks we lost our minds... Anyway, I don't really care what they all think...

    Happy Twi-bubble!

  23. My Google search top article:
    How Twilight Is Destroying America and Harming Our Nation's Youth .... LOL!!! I had no clue there were so many confused individuals out there.

    I pity them.

  24. YA, we have guns!! Like @VitaminR said! But I don't just have hunting guns my friends.... I have some nice handguns too - I think my friend the 9MM will be just what the doctor ordered to handle any WAR against the Twitards! (Oh, and I'm not a bad shot with that one!! OK, maybe I am... but I can shoot up someone's knees like no one's business!!)

    And I just had to google "Latchkey Wife is..." and I got zilch! At least it didn't say: a slut, a whore, a dirty mouth... er, wait a minute, maybe I'd have liked that! Gah, what is wrong with me??!

  25. @Charla - I like your thinking. I'm off to Google "Twitarded is awesome."

  26. I can see us know: an army of chicks in shiny green Bella dresses, brandishing assorted weapons and Mini-Edward action figures, all wearing our drinking hats, loaded and cursing up a storm... If that doesn't make anyone turn tail and run for their lives, i don't know what would!!! hahahaaa...

    : )

    And is it just me or is Google looking decidedly "Team Jacob"?? Hmmm...

  27. Count me in on the militia. I have 2 pitbulls (that will lick someone to death) and a parakeet that likes to bite people.

  28. @ Meg, lol at your parakeet. I'm thinking we need a battle song - I'm thinking we adopt and rename the Muse ditty 'Knights of Twitardia' ;o)

  29. Meant to comment on that mental image too STY, have to say, it even scares me a little. Have to say I was feeling a tiny bit scared anyway after Latchkey Wife's comment lol

  30. @STY - Sounds like a fucking badass party to me! I'm in!

  31. @ Stan - I just googled 'What are' and up came "what are these strawberries doing on my nipples i need them for the fruit salad"
    Very interesting...

  32. Hmmmm...a militia...you guys are envisioning guns...why am I envisioning holsters packing sparkle peens? OMG, I need more coffee...

  33. I have played the Google game with my first name (as I'm sure most people have)... This is a brilliant post! (Though I'm confused -- did you find and/or make the W.A.T. poster?)

  34. Guns make me uncomfortable. I'll be in charge of refilling the drinking hats, okay?

  35. Lol, love it! Check this Urban Dictionary definition:

    - Lorabell :D

  36. My "first" post was supposed to be funny, btw... guess not.

    I also like to play the "Google Trends" game. Go to Google and type in "Google trends" and see the wacky things people are searching for.

    "I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common. You can Google it."

  37. Fun fact: i am currently holding my newly purchased advanced screening tickets for new moon... SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

  38. OME- thatpic of Robward is my FAVORITE Edward *sigh* That's how I envision Tattward......my my my.....

    Anyway, back to the point at hand. I've got my Mini E ready. And we can always use our Mini Bellas as ammunition as I still haven't found anything worthwhile to do with that skank.

  39. I don't want Twitarded to come up on google, for now it's off the grid fucktastic. As soon as it populates a google search it loses something - like being that off the wall girl with a piercing, than a month later it's all the f'ing teen bop rage. UGH. I like Twitarded being the beautiful hidden gem it is.

    Twitarded is... my oasis from the cookie cutter crap

  40. So I couldn't help myself I googled VitaminR--some crazy shite came up (and actually the second thing to come up was my post with @LatchkeyWife!) BUT the best by fard was this:

    vitaminR is a PantyLicker in the Gamerz Needs - For All Your Gaming Needs!. View vitaminR


  41. Good gawd I need to edit before I click. It sounds like I have already opened the liqour cabinet in my previous comment-hey JJ will you pass me that flask?

  42. sorry, SM, but bella couldn't be more of a mary sue.


  43. Twitarded food for thought as always...

    Twilitia sounds like Renesmee's younger sibling...both names bite...in the non vampire sense.

    Have a great day ladies.

  44. Try as we might to hate the haters they only give us fuel for the fire. (We don't need no water let the mothaf*cher burn)I would toatlly join a Twitarded Militia. I could train in hand to hand combat.

  45. apparently I am not too big of a help I can't even swear properly...

  46. you made me laugh so hard i think i peed a little.

  47. Ha! My dad has accused me of "devil worship". Poor guy just doesn't know an innocent Twitard when he sees one...What is up people?? It must be some real old school thinking goin on. Gotta go work on my altar....

  48. Kori/ Team Switzer-JacobOctober 7, 2009 at 9:18 PM

    This amused me highly.
    But i read the article "how twilight is destroying..." and i kind of enjoyed it. it didn't say anything i havent heard before. doesnt change my addiction. i would honestly suggest reading it, twitards. i had to leave me 2 cents.
    i side mostly with this though: "Twilight is one of the best books I have ever read, I am 13 and I have never read anything as good. It had me so hooked that I managed to finish all of the series in less than a month, and then had me begging for more! The only crime that this film has commited is not being long enough for people like me to enjoy even more of! I don't understand why people who hate it spend so much time hating it! If you don't like it why don't you shut up and let us have our time, in a bit surely you will like something that we don't and we will not go on... Why not spend your time on something you love rather than wasting it on complaining about one of the biggest films of our time? I don't mean to offend anyone... lyl x" ~danzii

    there was also a 14 year old who sounded much older than us all. i agree with her, to an extent, but i dont take her side on anything.

    an amusing afterthought: when i tried to first go to twilight tonight i was taken to this site: azt.com scared the crap out of me. i thought twitardia was no more. almost shed a tear. but then i went to my best friend, google, and search for it, then all was well. <3 google may not have great search records for twitard, but it's the greatest online friend i have. wikipedia is next. <3

    another afterthought, i am ready and willing to join the twitardlitia. just hand me the book, the PE, and a glass. ;]


    So anyone who doesn't like twitarded is just a T.W.A.T. and a douchy one at that.

  50. hahaha, earlier this morning i googled "Twilight is for", and the possibilities it brought up were: fat chicks, idiots, losers, girls, emos, retards. lol, i took a screen shot and posted it on facebook a.s.a.p.

  51. My "first" post was supposed to be funny, btw... guess not.

    I also like to play the "Google Trends" game. Go to Google and type in "Google trends" and see the wacky things people are searching for.

    "I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common. You can Google it."

  52. @STY - Sounds like a fucking badass party to me! I'm in!

  53. I can see us know: an army of chicks in shiny green Bella dresses, brandishing assorted weapons and Mini-Edward action figures, all wearing our drinking hats, loaded and cursing up a storm... If that doesn't make anyone turn tail and run for their lives, i don't know what would!!! hahahaaa...

    : )

    And is it just me or is Google looking decidedly "Team Jacob"?? Hmmm...


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