Tuesday, December 29, 2009

An Honest Inquiry For Our Followers Who Possess Cawks n' Bawls...

I'm genuinely curious. So please don't take this the wrong way, but I have to ask:

Peeps with peens, why the fuck do you follow us???

I mean, I get why the chicks like to hang out here. This is a pretty titty-friendly, estrogen-charged blogsite. Vaginas of all shapes, sizes, colors and usage are always welcome here. Where else can you go to discuss Twilight, porn, use phrases like whore-flaps and taint-stain and drool over pictures of RPattz? And let's not forget the poop jokes! Okay, okay, I'm sure there are lots of other places like that, but still.

JJ, I'm serious this time. NO more poop jokes!! Gahd, why are you always such a twat-stain? I mean it... if you say poop I'm hanging up... No, I'm... dammit!!


It first came to my attention that guys - actual real honest-to-goodness dudes - were following us when I was perusing our Facebook fan page and came across a couple of profiles. Huh. Intriguing.

Then I really got to thinking about it, and now I'm insanely curious. What is it about us that those of you who possess 'nards like?

Wolfman's got 'nards!!! Wait, they've got vaginas! RUUUUUUUUUUNNN!!!!


My first inclination is that we have vaginas and you are interested in somehow getting into one of them but from your profiles it looks like most of you are married or attached in some way. Not that being in a relationship necessarily excludes some people from the occasional online dalliance, but this seems like a random place for that, really. So what gives? Are you here to support your wife/girlfriend? Spy on her? Are you trying to figure out why she gets a sparkle in her eye over... well, sparkly vampires?

Is that what it is? Are you guys actually like some kind of hubby-ninja-reconnaissance team, out to crack the code of Edward Cullen? Is this Project Vampy Sparkle?


Maybe I'm just reading into this too much. Maybe you're just a Unicorn and you love the saga as much as we do. I do know that some of you lovely ladies have brought your hubbies over to the sparkly-side, which I think is awesome. ML looks just looks frightened whenever I suggest it so if that's the case, then cool. Welcome! We hope you like it here and you're not horrified by our va-jay-jay talk. We don't mind a few dicks hanging around, trust me. And I mean that in the literal sense, not that you're actually a dick dick... oh, never mind. You know what I mean.


Eureka! I think I know. You are lurking because of the fanfiction, is that it? I mean, all of a sudden your lady-love is pouncing all over your tip like a porn star in heat and you can't figure it out. You know she spends a good deal of time with her Twilighty friends so you start to investigate. Maybe you've been lurking long enough to recognize that even you think Robert Pattinson is easy on the eyes, but you know that's just the tip of the iceberg: there has to be something more.

And then you stumble on the porn. I bet you didn't realize just how pervy women really are, did ya? Yeah, most of us keep that shit from you for some reason but that's for another post.

Perhaps you were just trying to figure out why the mother of your children has a sudden obsession with tattoos and keeps pestering you to get your dong pierced. Maybe you're confused by the fact that she keep calling her ladybits 'kitty'. Or maybe you're just trying to figure out why your lovey is talking about 'vanilla sex' and keeps upping the kink-ante in the bedroom.

You want me to get a Prince Albert? What's that? [Nice Nikes, by the way]


So, is that it? Tell me, Unicorns/hubby-ninjas/whatever-you-are!! Is it the porn? Let's face it - there is enough Twilight fanfic for everyone out there - whether you're straight, gay, bi, whatever. And statistically, I think dudes think about sex sixty times a minute or something like that so I'm leaning toward the bumpin' uglies angle. Are you taking notes? Pointers? Do you read the smut as a couple and then recreate the scenes? Yes or no will suffice for that last question, by the way. No need for details. 'kay, thanks.

Tell me I cracked the case, Unicorns/hubby-ninjas/whatever-you-are!! Man, you guys are tough nuts to crack! Spill the beans, dammit!

Hello? Anyone there? Is this thing on?

Lllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies, what do you think of our male lurkers? Did they accidentally sign up as fans/followers while on a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas-worthy bender? Are they somehow confused by the title of this blog and actually think we're an anti-Twilight blogsite? Or are they genuinely interested by Twilight? I gotta be honest here - I don't really believe it's that last one but I'm throwing it out there for shits and giggles - stranger things have happened!

77 comments:

  1. I love you guys. You're fucking awesome. C (not a Jerk-Face nor a guy)

    What? You wanted profound? Next comment, please. . . .

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  2. I love you guys. You're fucking awesome. C (not a Jerk-Face nor a guy)

    What? You wanted profound? Next comment, please. . . .

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  3. I'm thinking it's the fanfic sex angle. Although even with that, my husband treats anything Twilight-related like a ebola infected monkey. Idiot... if he only knew...

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  4. I guess the guys are a little shy?!
    We don't bite... Much...

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  5. I suspected that we wouldn't get too many comments on this post. But I am dying of curiosity. :)

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  6. I'm gonna guess these straight dudes DON'T love Twilight as I haven't met one yet, so maybe (just maybe) they are chicks just using their men's profiles because they don't have one of their own? Just sayin.
    Also, my hubby finally wanted to read some twi-porn with me to see what all the fuss was about & then tried to re-create some of it for me, so that actually happened at my house. If that's not love, I don't know what is. If only he could re-create the Bella does Edward AND Jacob hottness from Fire & Ice....hmmmmmmm.

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  7. Uh-hum. I guess that's me. This is not profound, but here's my take. My DH thinks this is all pretty goofy (my Twitardedness, my Full Size Edward, my posters, etc. etc. etc.) BUT, he has absolutely benefitted in the ole sack, so he's very happy about the unintended consequences of all of this. I so loved "The Office" I actually had him read it one day when I went to church (ironic, eh?). Of course, in typical guy fashion, he read every chapter in approximately 90 mins (it took me 3 days to get through it all). We laughed about our differing reading styles/speeds, then took the discussion to the bedroom. Yeah, he thinks this is all pretty weird, but he's not hating it either. We've been married 13 years, and this has been a nice boost in the b-room. Who can complain about that!?

    Twi-Me?

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  8. I'm not a girlie, girl. Hate dressing up. Love watching baseball. My son even affectionately said to me one day a few years back, "Mom, you're such a dude." But I don't have a peen, sparkly or otherwise, so I can't claim to be one of your guy followers.

    I do like your theory, though, about guys signing up to follow so they can see what their SOs are up to. Luckily, my husband of 29 years is a techtard, so I don't have to worry about that. Whew!

    Lisa

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  9. I figure they must gay. They're channelling their inner Bella and and want Edward just as much as we do. Come on over boys. There's plenty Beautiful Bastard to go around!

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  10. Okay, I did not read all the comments...so I am sure it has been said. But I LOVE you guys. You say everything we are thinking but too ashamed to admit it. You bring together all of us Twi--Loving Mature Adult Women in one place that we can act immature and talk about things we wouldn't normally. Thank you for giving us a name...Twitarded!

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  11. i looove clipped wings and inked armor i've told you before that fanfic made me take the decission and finally getting a tattoo...i guess guys around here just want to know what is it about twilight and robert and also the fanfic is pretty alluring...but girls, let's face it, you're completely funny-tastic so why to strange if a couple of dudes think the same as us?

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  12. Geeze, I am still puzzled about why I love Twilight,... I cant begin to fathom why guys would be interested!!

    I mean, if they were trying to measure up against Edward/Rob wouldn't that give them a HUGE inferiority complex? Smart, handsome, rich, cultured,loyal, intelligent AND the dude even apologizes when he is wrong..he actually SAYS the words!!

    No, I can see the average male getting into Wolverine...but not Edward.

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  13. I think they're all your ex-boyfriends from high school doing research for the 20 year reunion photo montage.

    W/V melen---the boys are here because they like your 'melens'

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  14. @Mrs. P - *waving from below...again" That's funny!

    @JJ - My Pocket Edward admitted that he is a Follower ;)

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  15. I've actually been wondering for some time how many of us regular commenters are guys. The monikers are, for the most part, androgynous. I also think that if there are any guys out there, they are probably going to stay firmly in the closet. That's okay, I'm curious, but it won't change the way I read the blog, or comment. Love you all!

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  16. twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorceDecember 29, 2009 at 11:26 PM

    No man, woman or child is immune to Edward's smexy charms. My hubby walked past me the other day while I was working on my 1000 piece Edward puzzle (which he gave me for Xmas) and said he was hot. I couldn't fucking believe it! I had no idea my hubby was man-crushing on Edward! So maybe we can get one of these dicks to come out of the closet after all.

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  17. I would vote for the lurking angle. I would bet anything that the guys on here are trying to learn to sound Twi-smart for when they pick-up chicks ;) Some guys will do anything ;) I can just see it now... the next blind date I go on... the douche-bag will say something like "I'm such an enlightened guy. I even read Twilight!"

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  18. Okay, I have one more theory to consider, although I hope I'm wrong. Remember that asshole columnist from a few months ago who was also a "professional stand-up comedian" (just ask him, he'll tell you. repeatedly)? Maybe there are a few bloggers with dicks (or who are dicks) who are lurking around to cull our collective wisdom and hilarity for their own gains? Let's face it, this place is a fuckin' goldmine of wit, honesty, sex, profanity and all the bodily function humor a guy could ask for.

    Otherwise, they're all gay and their FB profiles are fronts for their twi-lifestyle.

    @twiobsession... 1000 pieces of Edward?! It would take me months to finish as I'd have to fondle each piece lovingly.

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  19. I actually know a guy who likes Twilight... He was more excited to see New Moon than I was! I'm pretty sure he's straight, because he's into football and is always hitting on anything with a vagina... But then again he wants to be a model, likes Taylor Swift, and LIKES TWILIGHT. Oh well, guess we'll just have to wait and see.

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  20. @suzspetals - I think you hit the dick on the head (ouch?) when you suggested guys are lurking around to "cull our collective wisdom and hilarity for their own gains." This is seriously the most twi-witty place in the universe. That or they're gay and crushing on Rob as much as we are.

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  21. hah i like Mrs. P's idea... Ok JJ - why don't you send the so called Male FB Followers some personal messages on FB and ask them? Then post without naming them - some of their answers... If they have balls -they'll respond. (maybe)...
    Loved this post...

    C'mon Guys - JJ just dedicated an entire post to you! so clickety on the comments and say hey!

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  22. Oh JJ I Lurved the Rob pic with the caption :

    JJ, I'm serious this time. NO more poop jokes!! Gahd, why are you always such a twat-stain? I mean it... if you say poop I'm hanging up... No, I'm... dammit!!

    I lurve you lots you poophead!

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  23. OMG you continue to make me spit up my captain (morgan that is...)!
    the clipped wings references..and then Master!

    Maybe they that it wa TWATarded or TITarded. cuz you know guys can sometimes only see what they want...MAN EYES...

    but oh goodness maybe there is hope..maybe there are boys out there doing research...
    "dear your assignment... read Master of the Universe....oh an the Office (oh drat that's been pulled..sobs... I really wanted me some Beautiful Bastard wall slamming..)ok.. read that and coem find me in the bedroom..."
    oh how i love you ladies!

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  24. JJ & SNY--you two are just a couple of universally funny ho-bags!!!

    You could probably spout on and on about dirt and ducks and make it sound ridiculously funny.

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  25. Love the Clipped Wings and Inked Armor reference!! Spot on!! I actually used 'kitty' in a sentence the other day!! Ha!! Best fan fic eveeeeerrrrrrrrrr!! Yay for CW&IA!! Woot Woot!

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  26. I think it's because of Ashley Greene. So many of my guy friends watch the movies with me because they want to bang "Alice". :)

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  27. OK I'm cracking up over all your comments but where are all the duuuuuuudes?!? talk to us! tell us your secrets!! puh-leeaaaseee???

    : )

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  28. I think we scared all of the dudes off because they're lurkers....come on guys, grow a pair and fess up!

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  29. Holy crap...you make it sound like I just got busted watching internet porn(again).
    Well, having seemingly unwelcomed equipment, and also on the hetero team (not that either team is better) I guess I will explain myself.
    Reasons I come here almost daily:
    1)The shit is funny as hell. These 2 lovely ladies could blog about peeling an orange and it could make me shart with laughter. I think twilight is pure cheese, but again, I love this blog and I dont even know who 90% of the charaters are.
    2) This blog is an ever-evolving thesauras for the word "vagina". Why is this important to me...I don't know, but I am hoarding these words as if knowing them will help me get into heaven.
    3)Seeing people so interested in a corny story makes all my obsessions with fictional characters (CF) seem all the more normal. The additional references to drinking heavily and hating work strike a delicious chord of acceptence of ME (in my mind anyway).
    4) Despite have Peen & Friends....I am lonely...so very, very lonely ;)
    Disclaimer: My batshit insanity not representative of all males following blog

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  30. I was reading these comments this morning on the train and dying.

    @Sabrina - your hubby actually recreated a scene from a fic? Dayam. I'm impressed. I think most guys don't understand why women like to read porn rather than ogle naked pictures.

    @Mrs_P - My heart actually skipped a beat when I read your comment but then I remembered I wasn't even invited to the 10 year renuion so I doubt I'll be invited to the 20. ;)

    @Suzpetals - I fucking love you.

    @CF4LIFE - You crack me up and so far are the only one with a twig and some berries who have responded. But Edward is way sexier than Carrie Fisher aka Princess Leia ever will be. So there.

    I suspect, like Forever17 said, channeling the dude more often than most women. Maybe they just think we're cool to hang with?

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  31. My husband loves Twilight, but more importantly, he says ya'll remind him of me and my two best friends and that you guys crrack him up! I quote, " JJ totally personifed her clit, that was hysterical!"

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  32. I think they're just trying to figure out what the fuck we love about Twilight so much. And porn too. Gotta love the porn.

    My hubby bitches when I read but if I say I'm reading Twi-porn, he tells me to continue. Smart man.

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  33. @CF4LIFE hah! - "I am hoarding these words as if knowing them will help me get into heaven."

    @JJ & STY i think if you manage to scare up a few dudes with this post, you should figure out how to make some love connections happen. as a single lady myself, i think it'd be great to start a new relationship not having to hide the love of the precious. plus the prospective dude would know their new lady was well versed in fanfic, which has got to be a good thing...

    (word verif "pring": the sound an excited prince albert makes when making contact with a kitty piercing?)

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  34. I am jealous as Hell of the re-enactment and the 1000 piece puzzle!!!

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  35. ....ummmm, I have a confession to make......I am really a man with all my all the dangly bits and all......




    Ha! Just kidding! I am not sure if I should be creeped out that men are lurking or proud of our fearless leaders and there ability to entertain even the non Twi-believers.

    @suzpetals I think you hit it girl....at least I think you are a girl (hee!hee!)....I am starting to feel a little paranoid now.......thanks JJ!

    @CF4LIFE--Nice of you to come out and play.

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  36. I'm thinking a combination of fanfic and the guys just being fucking awesome and supporting their loved ones in their obsession. If you can't beat em join em right?? I had a guy go see New Moon with me and yesterday HE brought up Forks and is down to take a road trip out there. Of course he also likes it quite a bit when I read my favorite parts of CW & IA to him as well... Those are the keepers ladies....

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  37. Just read through the comments....

    @CF4life - you kill me! Ever evolving thesaurus for vagina. I love it.

    Keep the commentating up and you won't feel lonely for long - we are a huge dysfunctional family here, and that is said with oh so much love for these crazy whisker biscuits!

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  38. I'm straight and happily married.
    I couldn't care less about JerkPattz--you keep him.
    I'm too old by far for K-Stew, the fantasy doesn't even work.
    I'm not even a giant Twilight fan, though I like it well enough.

    But...
    I'm a writer and sick with envy over Stephenie Meyer's success. I want to crack the code.
    You're funny.
    I like to read funny things.
    I'm a compulsive blog reader.
    I lurk and laugh.

    There's reason enough, right?

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  39. @Alex - Yay!!! another dude!!! Thank you for responding! And I fucking died at JerkPattz.

    I fancy myself a writer and am insanely jealous of SM's success. If you figure it out, drop me a line 'kay? Because I sure as hell can't.

    And thank you for the compliment. :)

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  40. This is my first time commenting so be easy with me BUT I was just discussing with a friend the other day about this guy/twilight issue. I have two really good friends that are just as obsessed with Twilight as everyone here seems to be (including myself) and we often go out and have drinks. We're all attached/married but still get hit on by random creepers and what we've noticed is that since Twilight came out guys actually try and talk about the series with us to get in our "circle" (take that pun anyway you please). So maybe, just maybe your male fans are some of those guys that are trying to read up on Twilight to possibly nab some booty.

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  41. @VitaminR - Yeah, I'm a girl but all the hot, smart, funny twat-waffles on this site could persuade me to change teams...
    @mthep - Okay, not really. I like the peen too much. I'm single too and I think meeting guys through the Twi-universe is a great idea. They would already know that Rob is at the top of the "celebs I get to do " list. (BTW, Megan Fox is a deal breaker for their list. Skank.)

    VW: reptelce - what Megan looks like under all that makeup.

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  42. @Alex [*waves!*] - In fact, all of this Twi-related insanity began (for us) when JJ was trying to figure out what the hell it is about Twilight that makes people go completely bonkers. It's the narrative equivalent of crack!

    http://bit.ly/8y9lV5

    : )

    P.S. The Twilight dvd is a gateway drug. Expect real Twi-crack soon.

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  43. @JennP - Being a guy it would seem unlikely one would take so much time and energy to do back research to land chicks, but it could be possible. I am intrigued by your suggestion, though I anticipate anything I repeat from this blog to a woman I don't know (or even DO know) is likely going to land me a high-5 right to the face. "Hey Baby, I sure would like a taste of your Whisker Biscuit, just like Robward woulda done to K-Stew if he could get past all the vampire tomfoolery"...3..2..1..SLAP! Screw it, its a long weekend, I'm gonna give it a test drive. Maybe I'll have something to "Squee" about (in a good way, not a "Oh my God look what that Megan Fox lookalike skank gave me!" ;) )

    @methp and suzspetals - I think you should launch twiMatch.com. Though I will forewarn you, my site, IWillMarryYouRightNowIfYouResemble1976CarrieFisher.com, has had terrible results.

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  44. I officially nominate CF4LIFE as our honorary Cawks n Bawls chairman, Alex as co-chair. These gentlemen have shown bravery and vicarious valor in the name of the vagina. Not to mention excellent taste in blog-lit. Anyone second?

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  45. Holy cawk & bawls, CF4life is FUCKING killing me!! How could you have lurked in the darkness for so long?? LMFAO, and spewing carbonated beverages onto my desk. Fantastic way to end an otherwise boring day....

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  46. Second!!!
    @CF4Life and @Alex you're not just dudes...you're both hilarious!!!

    Why don't you totally blow us away even more and tell us what Twilight fanfics you have read, or are possibly considering reading.

    Would be willing to read and report back to us on fanfics?

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  47. Hey Twitarded gals - I think you may have to offer CF4LIFE a serious job writing some pieces for your site (not like I dont love every single bit of you guys) but he is cracking me up! And knowing it's coming from a dude is even funnier.

    CF4LIFE - good usage of twitarded language.

    You make my BF look like a pathetic pile of douche, I wish he showed some balls and admitted he loves Twilight and what it's brought us in the bedroom.

    And if men were smarted they would take not from this blog - and from some twiporn and make love to us like a damn vampire - is that too much to ask!

    *holds up glass filled to the brim with wine* cheers

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  48. All this Carrie Fisher talk is hilarious because just the other night I asked Mr. Moxie if he would dress up as Edward Cullen to fulfill my fantasy. He replied, "Only if you dress up like Princess Leia in the slave girl outfit."

    Thats the biggest dork-porn I ever heard of! Sign me up!

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  49. Wow - the wine is getting to me

    if men were smarter that would take notes

    not whatever I said above goodness

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  50. TWAT-STAIN????

    OMG I love you both.


    ang

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  51. @suzspetals - Thank you for the nomination for such an awesome title. I just had a strongly worded conversation with my HS guidance counselor from many moons ago. IN...HIS..>FACE<!!!!.

    @anonymous - I actually havent read any fanfic, but from the comments here, I'm down for the pointers. I'm gonna want to be able to say "Hello Madam, I couldn't help but notice you from across the room, and I thought I'd let you know that I can make love to you like a Vampire". Of course, I am going to want to be able to clear that check if I'm gonna write it!

    @Amy D - I've commented b4 a few times. But today I felt like I was called out so I had to deliver.

    @Twi-Star - I am sure writing for this blog requires talent that far exceeds my silly comments, though I am happy that you've enjoyed my nonsense. On a serious note - I will offer you this little tidbit, but you CANNOT TELL ANYONE I shared such information with the "enemy". Your BF is not necessarily a douche - guys have a hard time digesting any type of idea that conflicts with their {mis}perceptions of being the sole source of bedroom motivation. Trust me on this - I am truthfully quite a d-bag myself, and few things hit a nerve - but this notion is one of them. There...now I've already told you too much. They may have dispatched the de-bawlers for my treason.

    @mmMoxie - "Slave Leia" = Pure Gold. Dress up - Hell, I'd do crunches till I got Jacobs abs if it meant I'd get Slave Leia in return.

    You ladies are equally as hilarious. Good Times.

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  52. @All - your comments are always fabulously hilarious, but today is beyond win. I can't stop snorting out loud, and let me tell you, it isn't very attractive.

    @CF4LIFE - I can only manage one husband and one irrational crush on an unattainable guy half my age at a time, but if I could handle another, you'd be it. Thanks for joining us today & hope to see you again soon!!

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  53. I came across your blog over the weekend and feel like I am in my motherland.

    This shit is hella funny... if only I could share this with my friends. Alas, the morality clause in my private teacher contract does not allow me to shout my newfound love and adoration of this site from the mountain tops. Who gives a fuck about morals anymore anyway?

    Guess ours will have to be a secret love, Twitarded.

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  54. Damn. CF4LIFE has officially stolen my thunder. While this is totally and utterly well-deserved (I've snorted one or two cocktails out my nose thus far)I can't help but feel... cockblocked.

    Oh, fuck that shit. You are fucking genius. Asshole.

    @RogueTeach - Sometimes it's the secret loves that are the hottest. ;)

    Welcome home, sister. [toasts with a shot of whiskey]

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  55. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  56. @CF4LIFE - '76 Carrie? That chat with your counselor must have been a few moons ago... oh, never mind. Age is just a number now that I'm holding out for inappropriately young Brits. TwiMatch is a great idea actually, if it didn't cut into my blogging, drinking, re-reading of fine literature and uh, drinking time. Oh, and parenting. I try to acknowledge the kid once in a while.

    @JJ - Can we keep him, mom, huh? Can we?

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  57. @suzspetals & CF4LIFE - twimatch.com! i love it! i think we're on to something here. we should probably get this copyrighted before scummit steals our idea and claims it as theirs...

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  58. Just thought I visit your blog after listening to you ladies on the Twigasm Podcast...Your KFM's fucking hilarious!

    Love the blog you ladies crack me up! I think I found a new home. :)

    Rougue~I too am a teacher who must hide my secret obsession...shhh!

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  59. Regarding CF4LIFE...Anyone else immediately try to figure out his name and thought it stood for "Cullen Fan for Life" <> sorry!

    Okay do we know of any good fanfics that are about Edward and Princess Leia getting together?

    Well I don't persay...but I vote you read the nonvamp Twifanfic fav "Emancipation Proclamation." There are some definite parallels to Star Wars if that helps.

    (Girls is he gonna buy that? Kinda sort of, right? Aro is like Darth Vader//royal paternity secrets//Edward is as cocky as Hans Solo//the whole princess storyline)

    Anywhoooo..the beauty of fanfic is that you are welcome to picture whoever you want as the characters...so if Carrie Fisher needs to be Bella for you then so be it!

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  60. @JJ - Sorry about the cockblock. As an apology and to give you due credit, I called up my local pop-radio station and asked them to play "You're the Inspiration" by Chicago. Its the first time I didn't dedicate this song to CF. So that is sorta a big deal even if you hate the sweet melody of Peter Cetera's voice.

    @suzpetals - the 1976 is when CF was in her prime, IMO, although I don't think I first saw her until 1980-something. I need to throw in the year as past battles with JJ about CF has led to current-day comparisons (Mom jeans, wrinkles, etc). I'd still go there...sorry, that was gross. If I didn't have a "no delete" policy while typing, I'd get rid of that!

    @twifiltered Brain - Thanks for the suggestions. A little search and replace will do wonders. My therapist will not be pleased to hear this setback.....

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  61. Snorting quietly...ok, not so quietly....shit, you guys are on FIRE today! Put out that funny ass shit before you burn my computer! ;) CF4Life, keep coming please!

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  62. I was gonna' say that maybe, just maybe, some guys come here because of how funny and entertaining you gals are but it seems that CF4LIFE beat me to it. :)

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  63. SHIT'S FUNNY.

    and now i'm going to go catch up on CW&IA and MoTU.

    have a nice day, twitards.

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  64. Wow! I have gotta say CF4LIFE definitely has perspective. Thanks, can't say they hubby is much thrilled with my obsession. I defintely lurk in the twicloset and only sneak out when he is unavailable for comment. Like CF4LIFE he is way too observant for words. You are way funny please keep writing.

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  65. Please....please...begging now...doesn't that please our cawks and bawls friends...more penile perspective!!! There are more disco sticks lurking out there in the "bushes", or maybe not and that's the problem!! Come join our party, we'll do all the things you like!!

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  66. I had no idea we had any male followers. Thats great, but this is far from a dating website. So my assumption is that our male counterparts are collecting info into the real female psyce, like fucking squirels collecting nuts for the winter. I always said if a man was smart he wouldn't poo poo Twilight. Theres a well of information for him to mine. So I think their honestly gobsmacked that we are capable at such dark and twisted thoughts...and actions, depending on who you are. Mwahahahaha!

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  67. OK - late as usual....

    I was actually turned on to Twilight by one of my guy friends. One of my straight, married guy friends.

    I'd never heard of Twilight until he mentioned it to me - told me it was a love story about a human girl and a vampire boy who fall in love - no sex, just lots of angst and well written.

    I believe my exact words to him were, "When did you turn into a girl??"

    Yeah....took me 6 more months to catch on but I now blame him for my obsession!

    And for the record, he loves the stories and the movies. His wife just started reading the books.

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  68. Ohhhhh my hasband is on your face book.. he really did join because the thought that you were a "We hate Twilight" group.. but well hell that doesnt make sense since he KNOWS i love twilight!!.. (I truely believe that hes a closet twitard and just hasnt told me).. (oh and my hasband is the bloke that looks like a bikey kissing a baby on facebook!! lol.. )

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  69. I find you all to be a hoot. I'd try to articulate more but I can taste the shoe leather from here... and it's grand pa shoe leather.

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  70. Guy here! I image googled "i lurve you" "maybe not" looking for some cheesy sappy comic I saw in a YT video and saw that ninja motivator on the way. If anybody gives 2 shits, here is the comic http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_0YSsTIkxn18/TTqQwKgINcI/AAAAAAAAAJ0/M_vQtfeVRxw/s1600/emo-cartoon-emo-5172956-545-401.jpg

    AND YES THIS IS A YEAR OLD SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

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  71. Regarding CF4LIFE...Anyone else immediately try to figure out his name and thought it stood for "Cullen Fan for Life" <> sorry!

    Okay do we know of any good fanfics that are about Edward and Princess Leia getting together?

    Well I don't persay...but I vote you read the nonvamp Twifanfic fav "Emancipation Proclamation." There are some definite parallels to Star Wars if that helps.

    (Girls is he gonna buy that? Kinda sort of, right? Aro is like Darth Vader//royal paternity secrets//Edward is as cocky as Hans Solo//the whole princess storyline)

    Anywhoooo..the beauty of fanfic is that you are welcome to picture whoever you want as the characters...so if Carrie Fisher needs to be Bella for you then so be it!

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  72. Just thought I visit your blog after listening to you ladies on the Twigasm Podcast...Your KFM's fucking hilarious!

    Love the blog you ladies crack me up! I think I found a new home. :)

    Rougue~I too am a teacher who must hide my secret obsession...shhh!

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  73. Hey Twitarded gals - I think you may have to offer CF4LIFE a serious job writing some pieces for your site (not like I dont love every single bit of you guys) but he is cracking me up! And knowing it's coming from a dude is even funnier.

    CF4LIFE - good usage of twitarded language.

    You make my BF look like a pathetic pile of douche, I wish he showed some balls and admitted he loves Twilight and what it's brought us in the bedroom.

    And if men were smarted they would take not from this blog - and from some twiporn and make love to us like a damn vampire - is that too much to ask!

    *holds up glass filled to the brim with wine* cheers

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  74. Wow - the wine is getting to me

    if men were smarter that would take notes

    not whatever I said above goodness

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  75. OMG you continue to make me spit up my captain (morgan that is...)!
    the clipped wings references..and then Master!

    Maybe they that it wa TWATarded or TITarded. cuz you know guys can sometimes only see what they want...MAN EYES...

    but oh goodness maybe there is hope..maybe there are boys out there doing research...
    "dear your assignment... read Master of the Universe....oh an the Office (oh drat that's been pulled..sobs... I really wanted me some Beautiful Bastard wall slamming..)ok.. read that and coem find me in the bedroom..."
    oh how i love you ladies!

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  76. Oh JJ I Lurved the Rob pic with the caption :

    JJ, I'm serious this time. NO more poop jokes!! Gahd, why are you always such a twat-stain? I mean it... if you say poop I'm hanging up... No, I'm... dammit!!

    I lurve you lots you poophead!

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