I was wandering through our referral pages the other day (aka "You found us HOW?!") when something caught my eye... We get some weird shit on our referral pages - not as weird as the referrals that lead people to KristenStewartWantsIt (now those people have problems!), but still interesting. And sometimes disturbing - I mean the porn that people look for is ridiculous! But this one was just...intriguing.
It said "My Life Is Like Twilight."
I just sat there soaking that in for a few minutes... Is my life like Twilight? At all??? What would my life be like if it were like Twilight??? Because I have a swell life, really, but now that I think about it, I kinda do want my life to be like Twilight. OK, maybe I'll pass on the "being hunted," "being hunted again," and "being hunted by the Volturi," but the rest? Untold riches? Limitless power? Immortality? Eternal hot vampy luuuurv??? Sign me up!
So what would my life look like Twilightized??? Let's do a Real Life vs. Twilight Life comparison. And I'm just going to skip all the nonsense and get right to the good vampire stuff...
Real Life: Wake up after getting to bed too late the night before, exhausted from not getting enough sleep and seriously regretting that last glass of wine. Cranky because I have to go to work. Again. What's for breakfast? Eat some cereal; mull dieting/eating better. Meh - maybe tomorrow. Top off breakfast with a handful of Skittles, schlep to work.
Twilight Life: Sleep?! Who needs sleep when you're a vampire? Feeling refreshed and revived even after an epic all-night Sting-worthy tantric sex marathon. What's for breakfast?! Go suck the blood from a herd of deer; feel sated but of course not physically bloated. Ever.
RL: Spend day at soul-sucking job, wondering what I am going to do with my life and is this it? Realize it's getting late to still be contemplating what I want to be when I grow up. Consider the inner workings of a mid-life crisis and wonder what is the chick equivalent of buying an inappropriate flashy sports car. Tattoo? Haircut? Taking up pole dancing?
TL: Spend day doing whatever I want. Vampires are good at everything, so it's hard to choose, really. The infinite possibilities of wonderful things are staggering. Speed-read a few novels, write some music, paint a masterpiece or two, establish world peace and do other awesome things that are generally fulfilling and meaningful.
RL: Drive home from thankless office drudgery, realize I am finally succumbing to a head-cold after spending the week being showered with fine mist of snot from projectile-sneezing dude who sits near me. Cook lame dinner. Drink.
TL: Hang out with awesome vampire family. Wish everyone was as impervious to sickness as vampires. Decide to spend the next few hours curing the common cold. Still have time on my hands, so cure cancer, too. Go wrestle mountain lions. They lose, badly. Yum!
RL: Do laundry; lament fact that I don't have more nice clothes that fit me better. Feel bad for being so superficial. Get over it and think some more about losing weight to increase wardrobe options from five things that look ok when I am feeling fat to entire not-fabulous contents of closet.
TL: Browse through entire room-sized wardrobe of clothes, pick something, change mind, toss into pile for donation to starving orphans and underpaid Twilight bloggers. Realize I haven't done laundry since becoming a vampire. Expensive designer clothes that flatter my impossibly hot vampire bod just appear before me. Oh hell, who am I kidding? I would look good in a sack. Skip around a little.
RL: Buy scratch-off lottery tickets. Check numbers on Mega-Millions that Mr. Snarky bought. No luck; reluctantly resign myself to the fact that I have to get up and do it all over again tomorrow. Pour another glass of wine; feel marginally better. Recheck scratchers. Nothing.
TL: Use wads of hundred dollar bills to light fireplace (I'm not cold, natch, but it looks pretty); prepare for another night of shagging hot undead husband on sheepskin throw next to hearth. Give thanks that I am immune to rug-burn and other sex-related injuries. Take contented yet completely unnecessary deep breath.
So there you have it! Um, I think the person who did the google search for "My Life Is Like Twilight" may have been on to something. I want to go to there. And I think I have my first (and possibly only) New Year's Resolution for 2010: make my life more like Twilight. Or at least strike it rich somehow and become immortal. That's all. I don't want to be unrealistic. Or greedy. And I've already got Mr. Snarky to keep me company by the hearth...