Thursday, December 10, 2009

"My Life Is Like Twilight"

I was wandering through our referral pages the other day (aka "You found us HOW?!") when something caught my eye... We get some weird shit on our referral pages - not as weird as the referrals that lead people to KristenStewartWantsIt (now those people have problems!), but still interesting. And sometimes disturbing - I mean the porn that people look for is ridiculous! But this one was just...intriguing.

It said "My Life Is Like Twilight."

I just sat there soaking that in for a few minutes... Is my life like Twilight? At all??? What would my life be like if it were like Twilight??? Because I have a swell life, really, but now that I think about it, I kinda do want my life to be like Twilight. OK, maybe I'll pass on the "being hunted," "being hunted again," and "being hunted by the Volturi," but the rest? Untold riches? Limitless power? Immortality? Eternal hot vampy luuuurv??? Sign me up!

So what would my life look like Twilightized??? Let's do a Real Life vs. Twilight Life comparison. And I'm just going to skip all the nonsense and get right to the good vampire stuff...

Real Life: Wake up after getting to bed too late the night before, exhausted from not getting enough sleep and seriously regretting that last glass of wine. Cranky because I have to go to work. Again. What's for breakfast? Eat some cereal; mull dieting/eating better. Meh - maybe tomorrow. Top off breakfast with a handful of Skittles, schlep to work.

Twilight Life: Sleep?! Who needs sleep when you're a vampire? Feeling refreshed and revived even after an epic all-night Sting-worthy tantric sex marathon. What's for breakfast?! Go suck the blood from a herd of deer; feel sated but of course not physically bloated. Ever.

RL: Spend day at soul-sucking job, wondering what I am going to do with my life and is this it? Realize it's getting late to still be contemplating what I want to be when I grow up. Consider the inner workings of a mid-life crisis and wonder what is the chick equivalent of buying an inappropriate flashy sports car. Tattoo? Haircut? Taking up pole dancing?


TL: Spend day doing whatever I want. Vampires are good at everything, so it's hard to choose, really. The infinite possibilities of wonderful things are staggering. Speed-read a few novels, write some music, paint a masterpiece or two, establish world peace and do other awesome things that are generally fulfilling and meaningful.

RL: Drive home from thankless office drudgery, realize I am finally succumbing to a head-cold after spending the week being showered with fine mist of snot from projectile-sneezing dude who sits near me. Cook lame dinner. Drink.

TL: Hang out with awesome vampire family. Wish everyone was as impervious to sickness as vampires. Decide to spend the next few hours curing the common cold. Still have time on my hands, so cure cancer, too. Go wrestle mountain lions. They lose, badly. Yum!

RL: Do laundry; lament fact that I don't have more nice clothes that fit me better. Feel bad for being so superficial. Get over it and think some more about losing weight to increase wardrobe options from five things that look ok when I am feeling fat to entire not-fabulous contents of closet.

TL: Browse through entire room-sized wardrobe of clothes, pick something, change mind, toss into pile for donation to starving orphans and underpaid Twilight bloggers. Realize I haven't done laundry since becoming a vampire. Expensive designer clothes that flatter my impossibly hot vampire bod just appear before me. Oh hell, who am I kidding? I would look good in a sack. Skip around a little.

RL: Buy scratch-off lottery tickets. Check numbers on Mega-Millions that Mr. Snarky bought. No luck; reluctantly resign myself to the fact that I have to get up and do it all over again tomorrow. Pour another glass of wine; feel marginally better. Recheck scratchers. Nothing.

I had a dollar and a dream! Of a vampire and a meadow and a snarky blogger...

TL: Use wads of hundred dollar bills to light fireplace (I'm not cold, natch, but it looks pretty); prepare for another night of shagging hot undead husband on sheepskin throw next to hearth. Give thanks that I am immune to rug-burn and other sex-related injuries. Take contented yet completely unnecessary deep breath.

Throw some more hundies on the fire and get over here already...

So there you have it! Um, I think the person who did the google search for "My Life Is Like Twilight" may have been on to something. I want to go to there. And I think I have my first (and possibly only) New Year's Resolution for 2010: make my life more like Twilight. Or at least strike it rich somehow and become immortal. That's all. I don't want to be unrealistic. Or greedy. And I've already got Mr. Snarky to keep me company by the hearth...

59 comments:

  1. Holy hell, woman...you are a blogging queen. This might be my favorite post...ever...and I've seen quite a few over here.

    The scratch-offs...the handfulls of skittles, the diet decisions...are you stalking me?

    You did forget to mention you would also have a rediculously cool super power...I'm guessing being snarkier-than-everyone..

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  2. I blame JJ for getting me addicted to skittles. And Texas Katherine. There wasn't a day this week that I didn't eat skittles before noon. I think I have a problem...

    p.s. Yes, I am stalking you.

    : )

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  3. @STY--I laughed out loud (much to the chagrin of my sleeping husband) when I read the Skittles part. I may or may not have had Crazy Core Skittles as 2 of my meals today...and yesterday...and the day before that...They are my own personal brand of heroin.

    I never make New Year's resolutions, but I might in 2010. I could stand to have untold riches & a limitless wardrobe.

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  4. ah to never have my period again. That is better than any other vampy perk!

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  5. STY, someone at work the other day just told me about a site called "My Life is Twilight" and it's basically like FML. It's quite hilarious.

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  6. What?! Twilight doesn't really exist? Edward's not real? He's not going to change me into an immortal and chase me through the forest in a tan linen vest and pants ensemble? WHAT??!! Next you're going to tell me that my name's not Bella and that Charlie is just a perfume from the 80s that my mother still wears. I am SO going to have nothingness nightmares tonight, STY ;)

    Lisa
    17 Forever

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  7. P.S.: I am the blogger formerly known as sprtzmom1721 :)

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  8. love love love your blog you funny lil minxes - thanks for the yucks!

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  9. @STY freaking brilliant post! Quite possibly you have uncovered yet another reason we are all so hopelessly smitten with this freaking story....who wouldn't want there life to be like Twilight? The Twilight fantasy goes beyond just being rich and immortal...it is oh so close to perfection...well at least it was before Breaking Dawn...whatever. Keep the fantasy alive! Just don't get all freaky like those people that have e-mailed me freaking out that I live so close to Edward...and they were serious. Yep, don't go there.

    Oh and it's not normal to indulge in a little sugary goodness before noon? Hmmm I didn't get that memo.

    @Lisa-love the comment..."Charlie is just a perfume from the 80s that my mother still wears."--Ha! Awesome.

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  10. @VitaminR - Thanks! You have no idea what a fangirl moment this is for me. If this really was a Twilight world, you, JJ & STY would be the equivalent of Marcus, Aro & Caius. Just sayin'. LOL!

    Lisa
    17 Forever

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  11. STY: You are a queen with words my dear. If i could, I would change you and JJ myself. Bring on the vampy luuuvvvin (minus rug burns natch), and the mountain lions!!
    I'm with ya on the new year's rez...and after all it is the season, so I'm just gonna say it. It's a Wonderful Twilife! **hold's breath and waits for onslaught of criticism**
    fuck i'm silly.

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  12. Fantastic!

    And your life sounds pathetically like mine...

    Thank zeus for imaginations!

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  13. I'm sitting here listening to my 5yr old scraping his spoon across his cereal bowl and making a sound like nails down a chalkboard. Now I see why there are no children in the Twilight life (and the only one there is grows so fast that she hardly counts).

    Mrs. P, love tht STY's gift would be being even snarkier than everyone else! Does this mean that JJ's will be super jerkfaceiness? That I would love to see ROFL.

    Loved the post STY x

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  14. Ah, to live life like twilight. A girl can only dream.

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  15. Wow, I can't stop staring at that photo of Rob. So delicious! Thank you STY!

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  16. Um, I have to just ask one tiny little thing...why the poop face pic?? i always look at this one and think he needs to drop a major deuce. plus his face is like four shades paler than his um, uh, ya know..the lowerrrr umm backish smooth skin plus tummy and trails and...oh fuck me. ok. i just don't like his facial expression. *deep breath*

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  17. Replace the skittles with jujubes and you have my life.

    Oh...with the exception that there is no "Mr. Twicat" or potential "Mr. Twicat"......

    Well, THERE'S one more reason to drink!!

    LOL! One of the top 5 entries, STY!!!

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  18. Don't forget the sparkling!! Who doesn't love a good sparkle?

    It's funnny because I can't stand raw meat, yet since Twilight the thought of stalking animals and sucking the life out of them kinds turns me on.
    See ya real life, I am sticking with the immortals.

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  19. @E - Interesting that you should post your dislike for this photo right below my post luvin that same pic. He looks very relaxed, in deep thought, and like someone with a one track mind. I can just imagine sitting on top of him, rolling him over and riding away! :D

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  20. {sigh}. No wonder I'm addicted to this shit. You mapped it out pretty perfectly. And whoever turns me had better have the power to turn me 'back' about 20 years as well, cuz I'm not spending the rest of my eterenity in this middle aged body. I'm just saying.

    Fkat

    W/V: shness.....aw Rob's shyness knocks me out.

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  21. LMFAO - Oh for the TL
    Great post, So funny!

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  22. @Jello Twiholic- don't get me wrong...that whole shoot is delish. and believe me, i've had my way with it. i just dislike his facial expression in that shot...like i said. see this if you haven't already.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PE3GmXqxAuk
    flat on his back....ummm,yesss pleeeeze.
    agreed?

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  23. @F-Kat - LMFAO!

    @E - That is a great video. Thanks for reminding me.

    @Jello(w) Twiholic & Jelena - *waving*

    Lisa
    17 Forever

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  24. I'm sure that what you wrote was extremely profound and that it would have spoken to me in my own inner voice.

    However, I can't stop looking at that picture. It's making my rubber penis (don't ask) stand at attention. Now where's that vibrating ring...!

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  25. Fucking brilliant post! I'd really be happy with just a few of the perks - mainly having loads of money and humping that beautiful vampire every night! Oh and eternal youth would be nice too (however at this point, I think that's a moot point since I'm pushing 40.)

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  26. someone found my blog once by googling "i want to shake my baby". um, i've never said i wanted to shake my baby. my husband maybe...

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  27. @Sparkle For Twilight - Ha! Thanks for the tip - I'd never heard about this site before (how is it possible that there is Twi-related stuff out there that is going unnoticed by me?! ugh - I am off my Twigame recently - lol...) -

    http://mylifeistwilight.com/

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  28. That is pretty amazing, teleport me to that life!

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  29. Great post STY...

    I am too lazy to go back and read who commented, but someone said something about sparkles...you know me I'm all about glitter. Fuckin' right.

    I want to be able to throw the raddest parties that come with unlimited budgets!!!

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  30. Hmmmm...I envision making all the same mistakes in my Twi-life as I would in my RL. For example, turning attractive chicks into vampires before I got to know them well enough, and then it turns out me and my vampire family are stuck living in eternity with some annoying skank that laughs like Fran Drescher. At least in real life, divorce is an option. Sorry for the buzzkill - loved the post!

    v/w: Bezing - Everyone was having a good time and -bezing- this guy shows up and pees in the punch.

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  31. Mmm, Skittles. It's all TexasKatherine's fault.

    I think I would become a vamp just for the clothing options alone!

    @STY - this really was epic. I'm fucking dying.

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  32. Great Post STY!

    @Lisa @ 17 Forever love the comparison of JJ & STY to Marcus, Aro & Caius

    @VitaminR Can't beleive you get emails like that, priceless

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  33. I want a Twilight life too, however I would like the option of being able to sleep if I choose.

    Megamillions is 100M - I'm playing and hoping for the best.

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  34. @ Sparkle for Twilight - Thanks for the tip on mylifeistwilight.com!! My daughter and I love My Life is Average, but this is even better cause it combines my utter averageness with what is apparently my life's obsession :)

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  35. I wanted to read this post but I fainted when I saw that pic of lumberjack-Rob.
    *sigh*

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  36. twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorceDecember 11, 2009 at 12:43 PM

    Ha Ha brilliant post! Who wouldn't want their life more like Twilight? The only similarity I have is I live in Washington state and my dumb ass got married at 19 but I digress. At least my sex life is wayyy better, with the fanfic and yummy pics of Rob I walk most days like a pre-heated oven waiting to pounce on my Robert (my hubby's name coincidentally). I know he wonders wtf has gotten into me, but he ain't complaining!
    @ Vitamin R You live up here near Edward too? LOL Are you freezing UR ass off like me? I swear it hasn't been over 10 degrees all week. Another perk of being a vamp, you never get cold!

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  37. I have nothing to add other than - Yeah I'd make my life more like Twilight. Money, clothing, time, general hotness. Yup, sounds good.

    I'm a big fan of the sour skittles. Yum - mouth puckering goodness. Will now attempt crazy core ones at next opportunity.

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  38. Yeah! When does *my* life get to be more like Twilight?!? Oh, yeah, right -- never...

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  39. @Lisa--Ha! Thank you. Just curious which Volturi character you would assign to each of us individually?

    @twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorce I live in Seattle and, yes, I am freakin' freezing...and sadly watching all my expensive outdoor plants wither and die.

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  40. @VitaminR - Twice in one post. Yay! Actually, put you three in order in my comment ;)

    Marcus - you
    the wise, silent partner

    Aro - JJ
    she'd chew up the scene(ry) and get to do that freaky laugh

    Caius - STY
    a chance to do her best British accent and say "liability"

    Lisa
    17 Forever

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  41. Just to say Snarky-best blog ever!!! Oh and cos I NEVER only write a few words and cos you're talking about how your lives are liek Twilight, well I always wanted to be a vampire since I was 10-11 years old, this is a post I put on Twisted Ed-brella its sort of to do with twilife, kinda, oh what the fuck its just me rambling but anyway....

    Oooo going back to an earlier post about Vamps- I love Brad in Interview, Stuart Townsend in Queen of the Damned, David Borewhatsits as Angel, Wesley Snipes as Blade, Gary Oldman as Dracula. Its that bit where he says I have crossed oceans of time for you and I just go ooOOOOooo.

    See I've always been into the vamps, age 10 I read Interview, I had an older brother and I got into all the Anne Rice stuff, got the films, read the original Dracula, got the film, got all the underworld films, all the good stuff. I may have told some of you this before but anyhoo when I was 10-11 I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a vampire. When asked why I said sleep all day, stay out all night and kill people I don't like. Good enough reason then and I stand by it today so Bite me lol, unfortunately school sent a letter home, mummy wasn't pleased haha.
    Its probably why I became a goth, its all to do with romance if you look at it really, the vamps are all about the romance or sex (next best thing) so some might think I'm loud, brash even crude (well shit...) but I'm still about the romance, yup romance and some light bondage, thats me PMSL

    So my Twilife would revolve around romance and handcuffs-Fuck yeah!!!

    Wod verif-reavold -what are the chances-my world reavolds around Rob's gravity defying pants-yum

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  42. RL driving around a '90 Toyota 4Runner that's nearing 100,000mi, with 3 kids in the back, crammed in there like sardines.

    TL flying down the coast in a Corvette ZR1 (6speed), red of course, with the best fucking stereo money can buy. Oh, and Edward in the passenger seat.

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  43. Holy crow, that is some funny shizz! I am getting a confused, constipated-looking glare from FSE for the laughing fit that ensued after reading through 3x. It's a good thing Mr. XKR is at work or it would have been straight-jacket city for moi.

    Therapists, psychologists, doctors, etc. will tell you that health issues (mental, physical) are serious enough for treatment when they are interrupting your daily life, right? ::hand waving wildly in the air::
    1. I bought plaid flannel shirts and lincolnparkafterdark matte nail polish. I used to wear sweaters and pearls.
    2. I bought rockin' black effmeboots because apparently RPattz appreciates them (on KStew's 19yo legs, but still), and if I ever meet him, I want to be ready. (Prepare yourself, Mr. XKR, for the day they come in the mail.)
    3. I am growing my always-supershort hair long (and dying it mahogany).
    4. FSE and Mini-E live at my office. I talk to them both. Regularly.
    5. I have seriously considered becoming a vegetarian, despite my fast food addiction.
    6. I used to like pop, country, even a little Miley/JoBro (maybe I really am a teenager). Now I like DCfC, Keane, Muse, and Marjorie Fair.
    7. I had almost a whole week of serious, sweatpants-and-chocolate-style mourning when I realized that Mr. XKR is absolutely a Jacob, and I'll never have an Edward. (I did eventually get over it though because - please don't rip me apart and burn the pieces - I adore Jacob. And, frankly, Mr. XKR is freakin' hot, and does the dishes.)
    8. On that note, let's just say that Mr. XKR has reaped A LOT of benefits from the Twilight series (and resulting ff... mmm). I know you girls understand :)

    MLITx1,000,000.

    JJ & STY, if you were to compile a list of ways to Twilight your life, I would print, laminate, and follow it. If I can't be Bella for real, I can pretend (I don't give a shit if that makes me crazy). Can I make that a request for an upcoming post?

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  44. STY - twilight obsession is my mid-life crisis flashy sportscar!

    Vampire life would be awesome - I'd even take getting frozen at my current age, cause then there'd be no way I could do high school again! (which has to be the biggest WTF? idea in the whole series)

    @mm moxie - there is ONE advantage to getting old!

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  45. LOLOLOLOL Thank you, thank you, thank you! I just had my work review and searched my favorite Twilight sites for a much needed pick-me-up. And Twitarded came through just like it always does. This just reminds me EXACTLY why my obsession with Twilight skyrocketed over the past year...namely because 2009 sucked professionally and personally. So, thank you, thank you, thank you! You gals ROCK!

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  46. @My After Car is an XKR - You totally just blew by the competition in your XKR with that comment. Absolutely fucking hilarious!!

    Lisa
    17 Forever

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  47. STY - One of your best posts ever, hands down. I've been referring to Twilight as my mid-life crisis for months now whenever someone looks at me incredulously. And point out it's much healthier than others I could indulge in.

    XKR - He washes dishes? Keeper, vampire or not.

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  48. this post is beyond hilarious, you have me gufaww-ing outloud, frightening my nearly 3-year old daughter (who is stuck behind me right now, wedged between my back and the office chair...she's equally hilarous...). If only she were Renesmee, she'd be like 15 by now and probably able to jump over my house in a single bound. Come to think of it, that would make catching her somewhat difficult for me, a mere human. Where's my Twi-life, dammit? ;)

    Thanks for the belly laughs, you're awesome!

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  49. I think it's a perfect New Year's Resolution!!!

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  50. A classic Twitarded musing- I love it! My life is nothing like Twilight, obviously, but my DH is an Edward (the book Edward, as he looks nothing like RPattz) and I often spend my time noting the similarities.
    Alas, DH is at an office party all fucking night,so after the kids are asleep I'm watching RPattz YouTube videos.

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  51. I loved the observation that in our twilives, the kids are oh, 15 years old by like four o'clock and we are free free free!

    @XKR I agree with the above poster, your DH is a keeper! Mine too- so grateful for a hot DH who actually took me srsly when I said "what did it feel like to be sixteen and CRAZY in love, so intense and butterflies and all?" And he made it happen. ;) Maybe sometimes RL isn't too bad!

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  52. HOLY HOTNESS!!! Mmm - that pic just gets my imagination running.

    @STY - You are the Bloggy Goddess!!! This post was genius! I think we all try to compare our lives to Twilight. I knew as soon as I started labeling my family and friends with a Twilight counterpart, I was screwed.

    @All Twitards - And if anyone is wondering - I'm NOT Bella, but I do have my very own Edward - he doesn't sparkle, but said he'd become a vampire with me if we could. *Melts into puddle.*

    My fave part of having a Twilife would be the lack of physical problems. Oh to be that healthy and fuckhawt.

    And I've seen pics - all you Twitards would make some FUCKHAWT vampires!!!

    @NibbleitPattinsonakaNebilet - LMFAO!!! You're too funny! "Romance and handcuffs" sounds like a great Twilife to me. :)

    @mmMoxie - Your resolution could come true if you're willing to get an IUD. It's brilliant!

    @Occams Tazer - LOVE the name!

    @twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorce - I live near Edward too! I'm also in Washington state. Maybe you'll have to join VitaminR and red_bella and I for a little Eclipse party action...

    @Z Any Mouse - I drive a 4Runner too! Mine's well over 100K even though it's a bit younger than yours ('97). :)

    WordVerif: oomysten. LOL!

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  53. Oh gosh Nibbles, you NEVER fail to entertain...Definitely worth the price of admission here!!

    So..... I fell asleep lying in bed next to RPattz. I...er... took my Iphone to bed with me after a long night of studying so I could check blogs before sleep. You would think my proximity to that beautiful face as I drifted off to sleep would be conducive to some yummy dreams. But no. I dreamt that I made some stupid comment on the blog and I was happy cuz everyone thought it was funny. Oh brother. My subconscious feels the need to get more excited over commenting on this blog than to honor me with a nice RPAttz dream?! WTF. I've love y'all, but Ive got some priority shifting to do.

    Fkat

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  54. I have a sheepskin rug and YOURS look so much better than MINE!!

    Sincere thanks for the pic.

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  55. @starlitviolets....I'll pass on the IUD and keep it au natural. Nothing goes in my tookie cept for tampons or something shaped like a cock.

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  56. Haha Twilight sucks. Apparently, you do you have a sense of what is good literature and what is not. This website is so pathetic it makes me laugh.

    ---
    I joined the The Anti-Twilight Movement. Come visit!

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  57. I'm sure that what you wrote was extremely profound and that it would have spoken to me in my own inner voice.

    However, I can't stop looking at that picture. It's making my rubber penis (don't ask) stand at attention. Now where's that vibrating ring...!

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  58. I'm sitting here listening to my 5yr old scraping his spoon across his cereal bowl and making a sound like nails down a chalkboard. Now I see why there are no children in the Twilight life (and the only one there is grows so fast that she hardly counts).

    Mrs. P, love tht STY's gift would be being even snarkier than everyone else! Does this mean that JJ's will be super jerkfaceiness? That I would love to see ROFL.

    Loved the post STY x

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  59. Wow, I can't stop staring at that photo of Rob. So delicious! Thank you STY!

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