Wednesday, December 9, 2009

New Moon Musings... by Mommy (not a)Jerkface

As most of you know, a few months ago Mommy (not a)Jerkface decided to give the Twilight saga a try. It was rough going at first but I think she eventually started getting into it. Maybe even liking it!

Oh, who am I kidding? Mommy (not a)Jerkface is most definitely not a fan of the saga. She does admit that she finds certain aspects of the story very interesting (I suspect she's Team Werewolf, the traitor, but she hasn't admitted it yet), but she just simply does not like Bella. To be fair, I wasn't entirely shocked by this because I definitely had my oh-mah-gahd-just-shut-the-fuck-up-you-have-this-immortal-Adonis-dude-who-is-madly-in-love-with-you-stop-whining moments when reading the book.


Because the only two I know misery and sadness...

What did come as a bit of a surprise, however, is the fact that she's apparently not too keen on Edward either. I know! I was horrified, too!

For example... [May I present this email as "Exhibit #1":]

To: Jenny Jerkface
From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface
Subject: I have a much better ending to Twilight

Bella becomes one of “them” only to discover that Edward is a boring sappy dweeb. It dawns on her that not only will she spend eternity with the sap but she has to go to high school FOREVER. The Cullens can’t stand Bella and are convinced she is the reason Edward has become depressed. He spends his days in a morose stupor, picking off his sparkles. Bella realizes she’s made a terrible mistake and that she loves Jacob. She runs away to find him and when Jacob sees her, he smiles and rips her to shreds.
The End


Yup. Not a fan.


I have nothing to live for if M(na)J doesn't love me!!!

Despite this, both her and Daddy (not a)Jerkface have been agreeably riding the Twilight-train alongside all of us. If nothing else, they've been beyond supportive of my whole obsession. They even went to see New Moon opening weekend and that Friday, I got a phone call that went something sorta like this... [Hey, it was Friday night and the vodka was flowing. Like, directly down my gullet.]

Me - Hi M(na)J! [hic!]
M(na)J - [talking over terrible shrieking in the background that sounds like a herd of piglets being viciously slaughtered] Your Dad and I are at the movies!! We're going to see New Moon.
Me - Are you high? It's ten o'clock on a Friday night!
M(na)J - It was your Dad's idea. [more insane shrieking, followed by my Dad grumbling something that sounded suspiciously like 'well, this was a shitty idea' but I can't be sure]
Me - Holy crap, you really ARE insane. I'm not even that brave. Hell, some of our fellow obsessed Twitards are not that brave! Have fun!
M(na)J - We will. This movie better not suck. Oh, and speaking of sucking, I bought Eclipse. If I hate it, you owe me $7.99.

There were really only three possible outcomes of my parents going to see New Moon in the theater - they would love it, they would hate or they would be murdered by rabid tweens because my Dad finally lost his shit over that weird keening shriek-y sound they make and said something.

In the end, New Moon passed (not a)Jerkface muster... sort of...

To: Jenny Jerkface
From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface
Subject: New Moon

A quick synopsis of the movie before I forget.
1. Wow . . . was that long!
2. The dialog was agonizingly slow with a 2 second pause between every single sentence and lots of mumbling.
3. When Jacob takes off his shirt, there is an audible gasp from the audience followed by quiet appreciative murmuring.
4. I heard the girl behind me whisper several times “the bitch”. I’m sure she was referring to Bella.
5. The wolves (especially Jacob) are hunky. . .woof
[<--I KNEW it!!]
6. Edward is not hunky, but then he’s a vampire.
7. Bella is a vampire in her own way, she just sucks the joy and life out of every guy she meets.
8. Dad thought the part with the “juicy” tourists was funny.
9. I don’t remember reading the part about Edward asking Bella to marry him at the end of “New Moon”. Is that right?
[In her defense, I think she called me in a total rage the moment she finished the book so she might have forgotten]
10. You saw this twice. Was it any better the second time?
11. There is no joy in Bellaville.
The movie left me kind of bummed out.
Love Moo


Thank you for not raking my acting chops over the coals, M(na)J, like your evil fucking daughter does.

I've been thinking about dragging M(na)J to theater for round two of New Moon [aka "my round four"] but didn't want to push my luck. At this point Mommy (not a)Jerkface is currently slogging her way through Eclipse, mainly because she is the awesomest Mom EVER. She hasn't even threatened to disown me! Yet. I'm thinking that will probably occur midway through Breaking Dawn.**

Needless to say, I've got a five dollar bill and three singles with Mommy (not a)Jerkface's name written all over them... I figured I might as well be prepared to pay her back when she's finished with Eclipse.

** Breaking Dawn Spoilers ahead - Note from STY: even I called you shrieking when I was part-way through BD. Something along the lines of "I know what's going to happen: she's not going to have a boy at all--it's gonna be an effing girl and effing Jacob is going to effing imprint on her, isn't he?! ISN'T HE?!? I HATE YOU FOR SUCKING ME INTO THIS!!!" M(na)J is going to totally disown you. Brother Jerkface never did anything like this to her! You're out of the will for sure...

58 comments:

  1. LMFAO! I've got mad love for M(na)J. She rocks!

    I didn't have anyone to call and bitch at during BD. I'm jealous. I could've used the support. Of course, not having anyone to bitch at back then doesn't mean I can't rant now.

    Nah. I'll save it for later...

    WordVerif: azess. Nuff said.

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  2. @StarlitViolets - If it makes you feel any better, I didn't have anyone to bitch to about BD, either. STY was about 2 books behind me when I started reading this stuff. No fair, right?

    P.S. - This is JJ (I'm on a different google account, lol)

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  3. Well, I got my mother to sit through Twilight because I forced the DVD on her, and somewhere around the Biology class scene she went back to her crocheting...

    I asked why she wasn't interested, and she said "He's no Keanu"....LOLOL!!! And then she proceded to make me watch "A Walk In The Clouds" for the rest of the weekend I was visiting.
    Who knew she had a Keanu crush???

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  4. Your mom is funny , really nice of her to read the books and talk to you about it .

    I don´t have anyone to talk about it , i´m jealous !

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  5. Even if your Mom is a traitorous werewolf lovin' Bella hatin' Moo, she ROCKS!!! My mother has endured a lot for me (anyone remember Xanadu?), but she refuses to have anything to do with 4 massive books and two movies that make girls/woman scream/cream.
    AND your DAD!!! Incredible!!!
    You are a blessed jerkface.

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  6. BTW "There is no joy in Bellaville" sounds like a fantastic title for a spoof.


    Love the entry, your Mom is hilarious!

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  7. Can you ask Mommy (not a) Jerkface if she'll adopt me? She's fucking hilarious.

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  8. Love Mommy(not a)Jerkface! She's going to freak over Breaking Dawn! Might as well just buy her the book and be done with it, then prepare for the worst.
    Oh ask her if she'll adopt me too, I'll even make her panties!

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  9. I agree with red_bella - you might as well buy her BD - cause she's gonna hate that one. I nearly put that one through the industrial shredder at work.

    And er...I'm available for adoption too...

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  10. Well I can't compete with @reb_bella's panties but I want to be an honorary adoptee as well.....wicked cool Mama you got there JJ....love Moo.

    "There is no joy in Bellaville" should have a freaking copyright on it like right now. Otherwise SNL might steal it for the day that (maybe) RPattz hosts...ha!

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  11. BAAHAHAHHAHAAH that bella pic is fooking funny!

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  12. holy fuck your mom is the shizzz! even if she's anti-sparkle, she and i have one thing in common...a mutual loathing of bella.

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  13. omg omg omg peeing my pants over "picking off his sparkles"!!!!!!!

    picking off his sparkles!!! i'm going to laugh all night. sometimes my mom is funny, but nothin' like yours.

    PICKING OFF HIS SPARKLES!!! I'll never forget that and I'm picturing it and I can't stop chuckling!!!!!!!

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  14. I have a feeling that M(na)J is going to have a lot of daughters when everything is said and done. She does totally crack up at all your comments.

    The whole "no joy in Bellaville" sounds like a band name to me. I need to her to copyright that shit. LOL!

    @Cindy - I D.I.E.D when I read the picking off his sparkles. Cracked up for the longest time afterward. Still do, every single time. I have this mental image of Edward aka, Robert Pattinson pouting and pulling his sparkles off and I fucking die laughing because I guess I'm kind of evil.

    Holy shit I think something is in the chimney. gotta go!

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  15. Oh shit I was pissin myself with the picking off his sparkles too!
    I'm laughing so hard that my dogs are getting all rialed up and pissed off...oh god you crack me up...love it!
    Ok so you are lucky that M(na)J is nice enough to try and make you happy by reading a saga that she clearly hates....my mom got like 100 pages into Twilight and called it quite...she still thinks I'm crazy and I keep asking her how thousands of people could be wrong!!!! Ugh!

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  16. Love M(na)J! You're definitely her daughter. Too bad she's not an Edward fan though. But that's good because that would be way too weird if you fought over the same 17 y.o. virgin vamp.

    Go ahead and give her BD for Christmas with $10 slipped in. I have a feeling she'll ask you to cough up the tax...

    @purpleg8r

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  17. LOL!!! Your mom ROCKS! Picking off his sparkles? It's the best thing I've ever fucking heard. No kidding. LOL. I can't stop laughing. I adore her-- and a million thanks to her for passing on that twisted sense of humor to you. My mom hates Bella, too. And she couldn't even finish BD. I just tell people now to stop reading after the wedding.

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  18. @VIT R... I was thinking the exact same thing about SNL scooping that... Mommy (not a) Jerkface better get to the Patents office pronto!

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  19. Lucky girl..my mom hasn't read a book since she was in hs in the late 60's. She knows about my obsession but has no interest in it (or me, but I digress.)

    My fav line was "Bella is a vampire in her own way, she just sucks the joy and life out of every guy she meets." LOL funny :)

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  20. Hahaha, like mother like daughter. The apple don't fall far from the tree! You're both hilariously snarky. What was her take on the "Alice's vision" debacle?

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  21. "He spends his days in a morose stupor, picking off his sparkles."

    OMG...that hurt.......can't stop laughing.

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  22. "He spends his days in a morose stupor, picking off his sparkles" Aaaamazing, still laughing!

    "There is no joy in Bellaville"
    Sound like the caption for Twilight's take on "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas"

    Mommy (not a) Jerkfaceis all kinds of win!

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  23. twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorceDecember 10, 2009 at 1:22 AM

    OMG your mom rocks LOL "picking off his sparkles" that was great! I wished my mom would read the books but since her ignorant, bible thumping church pastor went on a rant about Edward being the devil she won't go near em (no I'm not kidding he actually called Edward the Devil) Anyway, this is my 1st post on your site although I've been following you on twitter for the past couple months. I have to be careful because if my hubby were to find out just how much into Twilight and the Sparkly One I really am, I'd be in some real fucking shit. So you're really lucky to have your family support you on this twi-crazy obsession cause I got no one "boo-hoo" : ( Ok now I'm off to go read some fan-fic to cheer myself up : )

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  24. @JJ - It's almost worse to have someone so close, but not be able to tell them because you have to wait for TWO MORE BOOKS!

    When I first read BD, I was alone in my Twilight obsession. I didn't even know that anyone besides me was interested in it. After I read them all, I slowly discovered that I have at least 4 RL friends that are into it, though not quite to the extent of us here. :)

    OH! I want to be added to the adoption list. I'm the same age as JJ, so I think we could pull off an elaborate "separated-at-birth" scenario, but I'd feel like an imposter because we all know JJ and STY were separated at birth. ;)

    WordVerif: rebach. Shoes from the 80s.

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  25. @ Twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorce, great name! If I were to get divorced, that would definitely be the reason too, good news is I've been so pig-headed about the whole thing, even his Rob poster-ripping incident (FYI I taped it up and stuck it back on the kitchen wall :oP) that Mr Stan is actually coming round, he even went to see New Moon with me and I can now safely leave mini-E and mini-J out on display without fear of destruction (a relief after the great voo-doo crotch stabbing incident of October). So, I feel your pain, but please keep posting!

    Ok, back to the matter in hand - I LOVE M(na)J TOO! I think she should just be the adoptive mother figure for all Twitards, a bit like the Virgin Mary figure to our RPattz Jesus worship ;o)

    You've given me an idea too, I'm totally getting Mummy Stan a copy of Twilight for Xmas. Muahahaaa!

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  26. @Stan, you're not alone...Mr.E came home the other night after a long day at work, looked at my NM pic of Edward I keep on my fridge, and punched him in the face...hard...twice. Then he just sighed and went to bed.
    Good news though, I talked him into seeing the movie w/ me a few other twihards last Sun (he was the only NM virgin, natch) and he looked like the fucking golden boy to my friends, they adored him and now he walks around with a smug ass look on his face like I owe him something....I should probably be a little scared right now.

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  27. Love, love, love M(na)J. It's always awesome and interesting to hear from someone who is not a fan and makes observations and comments that those with weak bladder shouldn't read. You should have M(na)J post on Twitarded more often.

    Speaking of mothers, mine was appalled just by seeing NM trailer. She looked at me in disbelief, and was like "Is THIS what you waste your time on? Vampires?" You got no idea mom, just how much time I waste on this. I wonder though what she would think if I gave her the books to read. Even though the possibility of her becoming a fan freaks me out, I don't think that would happen. She's just not the obsessive type her daughter is.

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  28. @Luciana - I've read a few of your comments and I gotta say that you're making me want to start some kind of Sponsor a Twitard in your area campaign. :(

    Keep your chin up. You'll find a Twitard friend or family member soon that will "get it." Or maybe, like so many of us, you'll find a Twitard through this blog.

    For now - we're here for you. You've found the one place that will make you laugh your ass off every frickin' day and compel you to not be able to remove your eyes from the screen because of the fuckhawtness. Just keep coming back here. :)

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  29. I'm sorry, but the pic with RPattz in the doorway and pulling a sparkle semi - I can NOT get past his birthing hips. They're freakishly girly and look like he'll be a good breeder. Jus' sayin.

    I know I'll suffer great wrath for berating the Precious, but I gotta keep it real, girls. ;)

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  30. Amazing how you've managed to vortex all the people around you into this silly crap (I mean good stuff, no offense ladies)! I was impressed at the photoshop thing - but hitting up such a flick during prime-teenage-assholery-viewing-times....M(NA)J definately wears her ovaries on the outside with a ballsy move like that.

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  31. @CarrieFisher4Life - Oh, just shut your piehole, you asstard. See what happens when RL meets Twilife? LOL!

    @twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorce - I have a feeling you are most definitely not alone with regard to your name!

    Good morning my lovlies! Mommy (not a)Jerkface probably would love to adopt all of you!!

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  32. I just finished reading "Twilight" and I have to say, I wish I'd read it before seeing the movie. It would've filled in some parts that seemed lame in the movie. Bella's pining for Edward didn't play as well onscreen imho.

    I'm not sure if I should read "New Moon" before seeing it. What should I do? I love your mom's idea of Edward being a depressive picking of his sparkles--she's funny. (But she's also hooked--that's how I feel.)

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  33. Ok, so your mom is HILARIOUS! She should have her own blog ;);)

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  34. @StarlitViolets - BIRTHING HIPS??!! I like my man's hips to be slender (i.e. cute little butt), but my rules have relaxed enormously as I am getting up in age. Now, I'd just like them to be smaller than mine - no problem there, RPattz. Also, I hate smokers, and don't like kissin' on a scruffy chin where you get rug burn, but hey, when it comes to Rob the rule is: There are no rules as long as I can have him long and dirty!

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  35. Oh, Mommy (not a) Jerkface, you have once again managed to make me almost pee my pants, a talent that you have passed to JJ. We all owe you for that, but you owe us new panties.

    @Luciana: I feel your pain. I live in Twisolation too. Wanna come live in Ireland? ;)

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  36. I completely and utterly agree with M(na)J - however, I keep spending money on this shite. I can't help myself - I obsessed, addicted, and jonesin. Must see New Moon again this weekend.

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  37. STY and JJ: I have found respite here. THANK YOU! The only person, who I recruited by dropping Midnight Sun on her desktop amidst protest, is my little sister...before her it was lonely town for this Twilight lover. Mommy (na) Jerkface needs to add a second synopsis for round two (AKA your round 4). After round 3, I found myself being an absolute HATER of the entire party scene, kiss before he leaves, and the LEAVING scene...

    Keep up the fantastic work ladies, it's gonna be a long stretch until Eclipse.

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  38. I am the "Mother" you all speak of (age wise)so there are a few of us out there in Twi la-la-land. I get the rolled eyes from my daughter (26).

    M(NA)J's assessment is perfect: "Bella is a vampire in her own way, she just sucks the joy and life out of every guy she meets." And sparkle picking? LMAO

    Sadly, the new cat just was not a Carlisle. So he has morphed into "Eddie". Eddie Vedder? Eddie Haskell? Eddie Cullen? The mystery remains.

    word verification - I always get the Italian ones!
    copsi: the drain hole in the Volturi chamber

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  39. LMFAO! I can't wait for her book review of Eclipse!

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  40. This was hilarious. Your mom sounds like my mom. My mom did like the books and the movies. She couldn't stand Bella. She thought she used Jacob and then tossed him aside. She is Team Jacob all the way (she likes her men warm blooded she says) and thinks I am nuts for being Team Edward. She also thinks I am nuts for being so obsessed with Twilight in general.

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  41. when i read "picking off his sparkles" i fucking lost it! that is one of the funniest thing i have ever read!! i still burst into laughter when i think about it. the mental image is just too great!

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  42. Love Mommee (na) Jerkface and her commentary!! I lost mine at a young(ish) age, so I'm very happy to voyeuristically be a part of your mother/daughter moments. :D

    Fkat

    W/V: curic....Twitarded is the cure..(hic)...for the obsession that ails me.

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  43. Dammit, now I have to go and reapply the eye makeup that I just cried off from laughing so hard. Can I volunteer to help Edward pick off the sparkles? Especially in those hard to reach places! Hmmmm....
    So I keep wondering how to turn this obsession into a pyramid scheme & actually make money off of it. I have 'turned' at least 3 people over to the twi-side & am working on a few others, one of them being my mom.
    When she was here in September, I forced her to watch Twilight with me. At the beginning, she said, "THIS is the guy you have been wetting yourself about? He's not cute"...about halfway through the movie she said, "you know, he's not bad",(I believe that was the restaurant scene)and by the end, she declared Edward to be hot! So, following that, I bought her Twilight & New Moon, but she keeps saying she has a whole stack of books to read & no time to read them...AND she wouldn't go and see NM with me(would have been my 3rd viewing) over Thxgiving break. So, the jury is still out on my moms.
    My husband just REFUSES to read it & then proceeds to hate, which pisses me off.
    And my brother has said he'd like to read it to see what all the fuss is about - so, I got it for him for xmas.
    Keep up the hilarity.

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  44. SO very late to the party, but I had a craptastic day yesterday as some of you already know.

    At any rate, loved the post, love MnaJF, and I could totally see Justin Timberlake doing an SNL skit to "There is no joy in Bellaville" and preferably with Rob hosting :)

    Lisa
    17 Forever

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  45. I. Love. M(n a)J!!! Epic WIN with "picking off his sparkles!" She is totally a great mom (and your dad! Braving the opening!!!)

    I saw New Moon for the first time last night (I've got a 3 yr old and 1 yr old and a job outside the house too, sigh). I left Mr.WordyDoodles with them and met a friend at the 9 PM showing.

    She brought the wine hidden in her bag, which made it all so fabulous!

    I'm 32, and noticed that I related to the older parent characters-- Charlie ROCKED!!! I SO felt sorry for him when he kept comforting Bella when she'd wake up screaming. I was like, "oh man, he's got a toddler all over again! That's a devoted papa to lose so much sleep for his girl."

    Also, I love the chase scene with Victoria. Really elegant how Weitz shows, for just a second, a crow flying, its wings flapping slowly, to give perspective on the speed the vamp and werewolves are moving at.

    I was "meh" about Dakota Fanning as Jane. I didn't feel the fear so much. LOVED the actor who plays Aro (also does a brilliant Tony Blair and does great in "Dirty Filthy Love").

    Like everyone, I loved the camera circling to show the passage of time.

    Did that ghostly Edward seem kind of silly to anyone else? It reminded me of a 70s special effect.

    PS Can I just say that four Romeo and Julietish previews with two having Amanda Seyfried was kind of much? But I understand they're targeting their demographic. And they looked like something I would have LOOOVED back in the day. :)

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  46. Still PMSL over picking off his sparkles and no joy in Bellaville. Bella is a whiny, self involved, ungrateful bitch.

    MnaJ is hilarious.

    LOL...word ver-- belas...is that irony?

    TigerlilyRose
    Tigerlily's Tirade

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  47. OK, I don't have the time right now to read all of the comments, but I real wanted to make this one...this is the best line EVER:

    "He spends his days in a morose stupor, picking off his sparkles."

    JJ, I love your mother.

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  48. Your Mom rocks! I'm trying to convince mine to watch Twilight with me. If she survives, I'll show her NM too when we get the DVD ... don't want to expose her to the fandemonium in theaters. So we'll see... But she does like Rob. The first time I showed her some pics of NM (Bella and Edward and Jake) she said that "wow that yellow-eyed boy is really handsome..."

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  49. OMG that has me rolling and roaring out loud!!!

    Just when I thought I could not read anything funnier on this blog from you guys and it comes from M/D (na) J and their funny-as-hell observations!!!

    Tell her YES it is absolutely better the 2nd time. If she is team dogbreath, i think your mom WILL like Eclipse, a lot!!

    Also, tell M(na)J I think she has a future in writing Twilight fanfiction!!!

    ;)Junie

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  50. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Like mother, like daughter. "picking off his sparkles"...Bella sucking the life out"..."no joy in Bellaville"...I can't go on I'm blind from tears of laughter! My Mum is in heaven so I envy you greatly so your Mum needs to adopt me too. I'm in the hopeless situation of only having one slightly Twitarded friend and I also love True Blood and my husband HATES anything to do with quote "that vampire shit" unquote. Twi-obsessionwillbethecauseofmydivorce is the best name ever, it's so me! Also, answer me how you can be Team Jacob but totally lust Rob and hate Bella and Breaking Dawn & be Twitarded?

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  51. @StarlitViolets Aww , thank you , you´re really sweet , I´ve been reading Twitarded for like ... 5 months or something but I usually dont comment , from now on I´ll always write here =]

    @Banshee713 it´s awful,isn´t it ? I keep asking people 'did you watched New Moon ?'like I didnt care about it in the hopes that they will reveal themselves twilight fans but they don´t ... lol

    I guess maybe I live with too many boring people

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  52. @JJ--Wow. M(na)J is totally fucked this year when it comes to her Christmas list. She has a ton of new adoptees to buy for. Because I'm nice (why are you laughing?), she can just get me a gift card. Something simple from Bergdorff's or Tiffany's will be fine. Please pass along that message. Mwah! You're a doll!

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  53. I have heard so many people say that basically...

    In the book = Team Edward
    In the movie = Team Jacob

    And I've got to admit, which I never, ever, ever dreamed I would, that I much rather Jacob personified, rather than Jacob written!

    Your parents rock.

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  54. Two things you should know.

    1) in Irish, Mna is "ladies" or "women". you make me chuckle.

    2) I nominate a NYC viewing of New Moon, and I also invite myself along to the screening. As I think I love your mother and want to be adopted in a sad orphan at Christmastime kinda way.

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  55. I'm way late to this party too, but have to chime in my love for Mom(na)Jerk! I wishwishwish my mom would get behind my Twilight obsession, but she just thinks I'm wasting my time (and like my other Twitards, she has no idea how much time I actually waste on it). I tried to explain it to her, since I am a non-drinking alcoholic, as "my new scotch and soda". I think she gets it now! ;) But now she's probably too scared to dive in. I must be like a Twilight pusher or something.... LOL! Everyone should be so lucky as to feel this love. They don't know what they're missing, IMO. Weak ass people.... ;)

    Love you JJ, now love your mom too!

    Word Veri: grasp. I think I grasp the nature of my obsession....Mr. Pattinson....

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  56. When M(na)J wrote 'picking off his sparkles' I completely busted out laughing! That is HYSTERICAL!!!!

    I think it's cute that your parents went to see the movie :)

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  57. @Z Any Mouse - I'm glad you could see my point even if you can excuse it. :)

    @Luciana - Glad to hear you'll be commenting more. I was a lurker too for quite a few months. Now - I wouldn't know what to do without my Twitards and their comments.

    WordVerif: aporm. "Yes, Rob, I'll do aporm with you. But I'm warning you, it may require quite a few takes to get it juuuust right."

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  58. enjoyed a lot watching twilight new moon!new moon movie of twilight saga is outstanding!!

    http://www.twilightnewmoon.info

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