Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Rant. And Then Some Funny Stuff.

Let me cut right to the chase - Sundays depress the ever living fuck out of me. I mean, today is the day before next week starts, which means I have to go back to my soul-murdering, life-sucking job tomorrow. And yes, I'd like a little cheese and crackers with my whine, thanks.

Anyway, ML is gone for the whole day and won't be back until late tonight so I figured I would brighten this Suckday by rocking out with the FSE's, working on Chapter 10 of 15 Step, and catching up on Twi-bloggy world.

This has not happened.

I'm so sorry JJ. Perhaps you're just a little... distracted today?

Somewhere along the line I got the bright idea that I'd be a mature, responsible person and actually do some shit around the house and run errands, despite the fact that a) it's pouring rain out and I don't drive and b) I'm laaaaaaaazy.

Still, I made the attempt. I decided to get my clothes ready for tomorrow so I'm not screaming at ML to hurry the fuck up because-oh-my-god-I'm-gonna-miss-the-fucking-train-I-CAN'T-MISS-THE-TRAIN!! while I'm still half naked trying to find something to wear that isn't wrinkled or missing buttons.

Turns out I probably shouldn't have had the bacon and hash browns for breakfast this morning because 90% of my closet is too tight. So, I cried for a little while and then I wandered downstairs for a bowl of pasta with butter and cheese.

After dicking around doing a whole lot of nothing and possibly reading TFLN and playing Farmville, I finally dragged myself up and got ready to battle the miserable, cold, wet weather. I donned my new winter puffy coat (aka, The Sleeping Bag) but decided it was too much hassle to put on my 14 hole Docs so I put on the Mary Janes instead. I was only half-way down the stairs when I decided to pull a Bella and slipped, almost cracking my head open as I screamed, "HOLY MOTHER FUCKING ICY FUCKING STEPS" loudly and in front of my across-the-street neighbors young children. I'm pretty sure by the end of the year ALL my neighbors will hate us and hope we die.

Anyway. I ran my stupid errands and may or may not have growled at someone in the Rite Aid because they had to do a price check on my fucking bottle of wine and the guy behind me was doing that martyred sighing thing that I do when other people are getting price checked but I'm a hypocrite and got mad anyway. Asshole.

This is how I feel when the person in front of me is getting a price check. Or has coupons.

When I finally got home, ditched the disgusting wet sock and dried off, I figured everything would be okay and I could curl up on the couch and watch movies but nooooooo. I get home just in time to watch Gizmo the Ferretface nudge his litter box to the wayside and then shit right where it had been before he moved it. Asshole.

Deep breath. I needed something that would make me laugh, and STAT. I considered watching Rifftrax again but didn't want to wear it out and then I remembered this and... ohhhh yeah, that's just what Dr. Carlisle Cullen ordered.

This was sent to us by one of our awesome readers, Sara, and I was crying when I saw it. Basically, it's Breaking Dawn [SPOILERS AHEAD] but done in a nativity style.

Bella: Man, that was a tough delivery. Thanks for the injection btw.
Edward: You scared me, my dear!
Jacob: Hey, I want Nessie back! Yikes Bella, you smell like shit.
Bella: Likewise, stupid dog. And stay the hell away from my daughter.

Edward's guardian angel: Jeez, it really did work, I was totally right creating that clumsy Bella for Edward. Man, I'm good! Hey, Gabe? You owe me 10 bucks.

Jacob: You got any food here? I'm starving. Gotta eat a lot to keep this great body goin'...
Rosalie: Here, doggy! Enjoy the meal.
Jacob: Do you know what you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever! Hahaha!

Want more? Go here to see the rest!! Trust me, you won't regret it!


  1. That Bella looks like a dude.

    Oh, and give the poor little ferretface a break, he's elderly. He can shit wherever he wants.

  2. ROTFL - The acting out BD reminds me of Stan creating scence with PE and Chimptsen.

    If you need motivation on getting back into your clothes, you can always visit Gracie's challange at the Danger Magnet. Or just be like me and buy bigger clothes. LOL

  3. I completely understand your dislike for Sunday. I was going to post on my Facebook that I couldn't believe another weekend was almost done and it was time to go to work again but I was too lazy to do I posted it here instead :) Thanks for the Twilight Nativity post - that is just awesome. I hope you are not too badly hurt from your fall on the steps. I stayed in all day and watched TV ... while doing laundry and dishes ... do I really have to go back to work tomorrow??

  4. Yup - I did FUCK all this weekend apart from reading FF. I hate Sundays too.

  5. OMG, that Breaking Dawn barbie-style was freaking awesome! The shield - HAHAHAHAHA - perfect!

    wv: fiesses - Feces?! Ewww!

  6. LOL, Breaking Dawn was just the thing I needed to nudge me toward my naked tree that desperately needs decorating. If I can just tear myself away from you, my bloggy bff's. I hope you didn't injure anything slipping down the icy steps. Your sleeping bag with arms probably saved your ass. Enjoy your bottle of wine, cheers!

  7. Why Sunday feels always so slow and suitable for endless procrastination?
    I once spent all day on my couch, with the tv open, getting up only for the strictly essentials...I know pathetic!Anyway whoever made that 'collage' is brilliant! I nearly fell of the chair laughing!
    P.S.:If you find motivation for your weight control, be a doll and bring me some too!!!

  8. I don't like Sundays. I want to shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot the whole day down.

  9. thank you JJ! I've had a real shit ass fuck day too. This made it a bit better :)

  10. I was the guy behind you at the Rite Aid. Sorry for the sighing...I just needed my prep-H faster than you needed your wine. If I could get back the testicles that your ripped from my person, I would appreciate it.

  11. HA! You'll never see those testicles again. JJ will turn them into a keychain and jingle those balls whenever she's in line as a warning to all the other "sighers".

  12. If she rings those balls.. does an angel get their wings?? Since it is the season and all ;)

  13. I don't think an angel gets their wings when balls are jingled. I think somebody gets 'the shocker'.

  14. BAHHHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! I nearly pissed myself over the pic of Bella's "shield". Fucking brilliant!!!
    Thanks, JJ...sorry your say sucked so much dick. :)

  15. This post totally made my day. and the comments are solid gold!

  16. sorry your day sucked. its been raining here too. i didnt feel like anything. called my friend and she came over(so i didnt have to drive) and we watched SNL from last night and the finale of Glee. and we talked twilight alot. i needed that. i so don't need anymore eye rolling from the husband. he can be addicted to football, baseball and hockey but i have one tiny itbity obsession and its a problem. garrrrrrrrhhhhh. monday has to be better.
    farmville rocks.

    work veri: boockya-- back at ya

  17. This Nativity Thing is TOTAL TwiFuckery and I LOVE it!!!! I am cracking up!!!!!

  18. awwww, jj... i don't want to laugh at your numerous misfortunes today, but they were phecking funny!!! all the assholes you meet... ;) thanks for sharing and making me laugh. as always... i heart you!!

  19. LOL! That was freakin' hilarious!!! And so true to the book too! (Love Marcus - "I'm bored. Can we go home now??"

    I totally agreed with you with your Rite Aid rant, JJ. I'd like to add:

    To the woman ahead of me in line at Shoppers Drug Mart.....the cashier has just rung up 3 bags worth goods and you choose NOW to drag your wallet out of the dark hole you call a purse? And right now is NOT the time to decide if you're going to pay cash, use Debit or wonder whether your Visa or MasterCard is maxed out.

    Oh decided on cash.....most of it in loose change. Greeaaat. Oh, and you have two pennies somewhere in the bottom of the black hole. Why don't the rest of us just pull up chairs and read Life and Style while we wait? (Oh look! Rob and Kristen are dating...are engaged...are married...have kids...are getting divorced....)

    Meanwhile, don't let us keep all MEANS count all the items in your bags and compare to your receipt AFTER you've unpacked your purse to return the wallet.

    Lady, if I had a weapon, I think I'd be tempted to use it. All I want to buy is gum....and this magazine. I haven't finished the article on Brad and Angelina's threesome with Jennifer yet.

  20. Just picturing you sitting there playing Farmville was enough to make my day. Earlier tonight I hollered out at my husband who was in the living room and asked him if he'd shit his pants because the most disgusting smell was making its way into my corner home office. Turns out my damn dog was sick and had left a trail of wet poop on my eight-month-old
    carpet. Not exactly how I pictured my day going, either.


  21. @Lisa---a trail of wet poop!!! LOLOL!!!!!
    My weekend sucked balls because I decided to stretch my arms over my head yesterday (God forbid) and popped something in my back. SO---I spent my Sunday walking around like Lurch. I'm better now---in case you all are worried. LOLOL!!

    Thanks for keeping the "Ho" in Holiday with the Nativity scene!


  22. @To Twicat: holy hell lady you have me lafffing sooo hard!!! i swear, you tapped into my fucking life...but patience is a motherfucking virtue, no?


  23. Don't know if you've seen this yet regarding the girl who was arrested for filming her sisters birthday party during New Moon: I love Chris Weitz!

    Word Verification: nessu (I think the Internet means Nessie)

  24. awwww JJ, i'm sorry. i hate sundays, too. *HUG*

    i LOVE the nativity scene! it couldn't be more perfect! rosealie, jacob, renesmee... just great!

  25. bahhaha thats too good!
    And i cracked up at the description of your job "soul murdering" hahah couldnt have said it better!
    By the way i have a rant of my own.
    im sure we all get the playful teasing from people who dont like twilight. But then theres the people who continually bag it out and stereotype you because your a fan. Ive ranted about this in my latest blog post, let me know if you agree! [link in name]

  26. @ToTwicat - Funny! Don't ya just love shopping? I avoid it like the plague, but have to go occasionally because the kids have to eat, ugh.

    @17foreverlisa - Crap! I hope the pooch is okay, but damn! I hate cleaning up pet messes, which I why my kids got the job as soon as they were of age. I keep telling them they need to get used to the smell of shit (I use a different word here) if they are going to have babies, heh.

  27. @Z Any Mouse - What's in a name? That which we call a poop by any other name would smell just as bad. LOL!

  28. JJ sorry to hear about your crappy Sunday. I, too, hate the thought of not having another 24 hours to be “hanging out” especially if my weekend was busy or the weather is bad. Need to tele-commute. (Be in front of the TV/computer and work. Haha.)
    Slipping on icy steps is never a fun thing either. Buy some de-icier for the steps. I fell on my steps once and I only have two! LOL.
    Hopefully your gluteus maximus is okay and you did not break your coccyx.
    Trivia for Twitarded’s: Where does Rob say coccyx in theTwilight DVD?
    @Sara~~Love the nativity scene! LMAO! Everything in it matches the BD story. All the toys match up well too. Very creative!!
    Have a better Monday!

  29. Breaking Dawn Nativity?! HOLY SHIT that was f'n funny!! Thanks JJ for finding this. Even though it's Monday now, it still made my day.

    This is EXACTLY why I need my own Mini-E! I think up shit like this too. Except I couldn't attempt to top the "shield" - pure genius.

    @JJ - I'm so sorry your Sunday was shitty - literally. And I hope your ass doesn't hurt too badly after the stupid stairs made you fall down.

    @Lisa - LOL! I feel your poopy pain. I have a three-legged cat that went through a "wet poop" phase too. It was like she was painting my floor with her nasty ass. And for some reason, she liked my side of the bed on the floor. Bitch-cat. The hubs wanted to boot her like a fuzzy football.

    @All Twitards - Me, I spent all of Sunday recovering from Saturday night. Why the hell is it so much harder to recover as you age? I'm fucking 32 not 80! It still took me all f'n day to feel okay. So - my Sunday - was very chill.

  30. Okay - I have to show my bloggy-ignorance here, what does "PMSL" stand for?

    It's the only abbreviation I haven't been able to figure out on my own.

  31. @Stan - Thanks for the Tweety answer. I was pretty close, just not quite there. Brit phrases rock!

    And for anyone else who doesn't know: Pissing Myself Laughing. Good one!

  32. @StarlitViolets - I see you got an answer from JJ. I had already left work and headed home, so just now seeing your comment. I just didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. I'm still learning as I go with the abbreviations, too. In fact, I'm still wondering if when JJ references her ML she means My Lover, My Licker, or both ;)


  33. Chris Weitz (who I'm assuming will direct BD) is now totally pissed that someone stole his idea of a giant clear dome representing Bella's shield. Now it's just being mocked all to hell. Back to the drawing board, Chris.

    PS - off topic, but do you guys realize Twitarded may reach 1000 followers by the end of the year?! I plan to recruit some more myself.

  34. @GuyFromRiteAid - I didn't take your testicles. You must have never had any in the first place.

    @mmMoxie & Dangrdfne - Fucking killed me with your comments about said testicles.

    @StarLitViolets - I didn't know what PMSL stood for either for the longest time. I even Googled it. It didn't come up. LOL.

    @17foreverlisa - ML stands for "my love". That's what I call him when I'm not calling him a dickwad. ;)

    @Suzpetals - I can't BELIEVE how many followers we've gotten and you are all so fucking amazing. It's so exciting! When we started this blog 11 months ago we had NO idea. We're so fucking happy we've found all of you.

  35. This was SO awesome. As a 'recovering Catholic', I kept looking up anxiously as I expected lightening to get me for laughing at this! LOVED the Wise Men in cloaks, and like everyone else the shield cracked me the fuck up. Also, @ JJ - "Dickwad" - made me laugh so loud my hubby did the patented, nightly, tw-eyeroll.
    I've also recruited at least 5 followers recently. Some of them will see a side of me they've never seen before - oh well.

  36. I love that you buy wine at the Rite Aid. So unpretentious. :)

  37. @lulukay62 - Bwawawa!! I'm a really classy chick, what can I say? ;)

  38. @JJ - At least I'm not alone. Actually, I feel in GREAT fucking company here. And I buy the "classy" wine too. Hey - it doesn't have to cost much to do the job. AND - how cool to know that ML stands for My Love. That's so sweet I may puke.

  39. Wow, thanks for all nice comments about my blasphemous Nativity Scene! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one with a fucked up twi-mind... My family and friends think my sense of humour is totally retarded. I'm happy to say that it's not - it's twitarded!

  40. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  41. You're frick'n hilarious! ROTHLMAO!

  42. You're frick'n hilarious! ROTHLMAO!

  43. That Bella looks like a dude.

    Oh, and give the poor little ferretface a break, he's elderly. He can shit wherever he wants.


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