Robert Pattinson's...Twin?! Methinks Not!

Me: Hey, Snarkier Than You, I've got the coals! Do you have the lighter fluid?
STY: Yup! Pour those coals right here and we'll wait until they get nice and hot...
Me: Awesome! [Hands STY a rake] You ready?
STY: You bet I am. Bring it on!

Sometimes we come across things that are "funny ha-ha." Other times we come across things that are "funny what-the-fuck?" This time, we've come across something that is "funny is-this-fucking-guy-for-real?!" I debated even doing this but... it has to be done. Sure, it's Christmas time and everyone's supposed to be all peace-on-earth-&-good-will-to-all-men and all that stuff. And we are. But we are making an exception...

To begin, let me clarify a point that will be important momentarily by stating the obvious: this is Robert Pattinson:

Lllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies...

I mean, really, I don't need to tell you who this guy is! I'm pretty sure most of you close your eyes and see that chiseled jaw, that sexily mussed hair, and those come-hither eyes. Oh lawd, Robert Pattinson is sexy.

However, we've recently stumbled upon someone who not only claims to look like Robert Pattinson but... are you ready?... actually thinks he's better looking than RPattz.

We'll give you a few minutes to let that sink in. It's okay if you need a little time wrap your head around this nonsense. We understand - we'll wait.

Now, I still suspect this is a joke but, as STY pointed out, anyone saying “ I look like this person only better” when the person in question is like the hottest human alive is asking for it. And he's gonna get it.

Ooooh yeah, he's gonna get it.

Folks, meet the dude who is billing himself as "Robert Patterson's [sic] twin" -

Contemplating his next victim...

Just wait the world will know me soon
[Is that TOILET bowl cleaner behind him? Really? And did he steal Bella's bracelets?]

We didn't caption or title these photos, either [though we did leave our two cents in brackets]. We didn't have to - he's already done it for us. That's right: they're aaaaaaall him. And by "him," I mean "Robert Patterson's" egotistical, delusional [non]twin.

We're not including the link back to him here just in case he's tougher than he looks and comes after us...and also because even though we are skewering this guy, we don't want to actually psychologically maim any "Robert-Patterson-twins" in the making of this post. But after STY sent the link to me earlier today, I actually stared at these pictures for a good 45 seconds, stunned by the audacity of this guy.

And then I totally peed myself laughing.

I'm not sure what's bigger on this dude. His balls or his ego.

In The Woods

Fast as lighting.
["Fast as lighting"??? Nightlight? Flashlight? Indoor/outdoor x-mas light? And just how fast is 'lighting'?]

First of all, let me point out a few things about "Robert Patterson's Twin." If you think that you're the doppelganger of a famous actor, not to mention one who is currently SO hot that mere mortal women and their undergarments burst into flames at the sight of him, don't you think you would want to, I don't know, get his fucking name right? It's Pattinson, not Patterson, numnuts. Now, maybe you ARE trying to pull off being Robert Patterson's twin but I have no fucking clue who that guy is and the fact that you're wearing outfits that our favorite sparkly vampy brooder was wearing I'm going to go ahead and say... epic fail on the name, dude.

Secondly, not to point out the obvious here, but this fella does not look like Robert Pattinson. At. All. Not even after a pint of whiskey and some fucking peyote will this guy look like RPattz's twin. I'll go out on a limb and say that maybe, if I squint, there are some similarities. But no, twin of the Precious you are not.

Now, back to his balls. Or ego.

Remember how I mentioned earlier that the captions and titles of all the photos belong to Robert Patterson's Twin [RPT from here on out. I'm lazy]?

Robert Patterson Look Alike

Imagine what Robert Patterson would look like if he was perfect

I am not making this up, that's really what how he captioned this photo. Slut's honor. So, not only does RPT think he's RPattz's twin, he thinks he's the better looking of the two! I think if you look up "delusional narcissist" in the dictionary this picture is right next to it.

[Okay, this picture is just screaming "loooook at meeeeeeee!! LOOOOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"]

Fine, fine. I'm looking. Jawporn? Nope. Fingerporn? Def not. Piercing sexy gaze? Umm, I see piercing gaze but it's more serial killer than sexy.

Hey, listen, I'm not exactly smoking hot. In fact, I generally tend to slide down to the "cute" end of the scale, along with fucking puppies and shit but I also don't go around posting my picture up on the internet and boasting about how fuckhawt I am. This guy did. Which is why we feel the need to single him out for a good ol' Twitarded roasting.

Want more? Honestly, I think the captions are the icing on the, um, cake.

New Moon in the Moonlight

Imagine Robert Patterson but better looking

Uh huh. Suuuuuuure you are. Oh, btw, RPT have we introduced you to our the bad vampire? I'm sure you two could spend hours together, talking about how hot, fabulous, and godlike you both are...

I'm hotter than Robert Pattinson AND his (non) twin. So there!!

[Welcome back, Bad Vampire! Now go away again!]