Sunday, February 21, 2010

Real Life vs. Twi-life. Let the Awkward Conversations Commence...

A few weeks ago Snarkier Than You and I attended a Waitangi Day party our friends throw every year. I believe there is some relation between New Zealand and the hosts but the rest of us happily celebrate any excuse to chase away the winter blues with some good conversation, food and booze.

By getting druuuuuuunk...

Speaking of conversation - this may come as a total shock but I actually talk. A lot. Like, I'm a chatty-fucking-Cathy. And because I've pretty much moved to Twiland permanently at this point, most of my dialogue involves the fandom or this blog [okay, okay, I temper the Twi talk with some poop jokes], regardless of whether the person I'm chatting with wants to hear it or not. Despite this, I was still somewhat surprised just how many non-Twi, real-life peeps not only knew about the blog, but actually read it. Like, often. Which is why I was standing in the kitchen discussing the post about how I was berating my brother for telling his coworkers about the blog and now they all know I'm a porn addict and have possibly stalker-ish fascination with Robert Pattinson.

See? Everyone does it, right? Right?!

I'm essentially oblivious when it comes to realizing which topics may or may not be appropriate to bring up in... polite company. And by "polite company" I mean "everywhere except the blog." Oh, who am I kidding? What little inkling I had for any sort of propriety has pretty much disappeared in a swirl of Robporn and Twismut.

Therefore, it didn't occur to me until much later that I was... standing in someone's kitchen actually discussing the fact that I'm a porn addict with a possibly stalker-ish fascination with Robert Pattinson while debating the pros and cons of a personal lubricant called Make Me Cum.

Face to face. In a crowded kitchen. With a man.

Yeah, I'm pretty much a total fail when it comes to social shit sometimes.

Some small part of me knows I should have been appalled that anyone in real life knows I surf the web for personal lubricant, have conversations about sex toys with my mother, and have a totally unhealthy obsession for Twilight-related smut. But I don't.

I need to hire a filter or something. You know, someone who follows me around and smacks me upside the head before I blurt out anything inappropriate. Or figure out how I can muster up some shame because it's becoming quite apparent that people are aware that I don't.

And this is going to get me in trouble one day.

For example, that same weekend I was having a nice conversation with a few of ML's bandmates (I'm going to come home one day and they will all be living here, I just know it) about foreskin. Well, they were discussing foreskin and I was trying not to puke up my cheddar, egg and potato chip omelet. (I learned what docking is and I kind of want to unlearn it but can't so I'm sharing it with you. I'll give you a hint - it involves at least one foreskin but more than one penis.)

Anyhoo, while I'm looking up docking on Urban Dictionary one of them mentions that a hooded dick is supposed to be more pleasurable for the chick and then they all looked at me like I was a fucking cock expert and hellooooo ML is sitting right there and you want me to weigh in on your conversation?

Um, no.

So maybe I do have a little filter, after all.

Maybe. Just maybe.


  1. Seriously - the shit I learn on here.

    I've never had much of a filter when it comes to having an opinion, but I'm totally starting to lose my smut filter. Mr.CC is shocked continually (but I suspect he's okay with it)

  2. ooh jennyjerk face - i'm new to the site but i luv you already.

    i can sympathize. no verbal filter here...but in today's society, do we really need to feel like we are sorry? and by we i mean strong independent women who embrace our flaws.

    i was having lunch w/a friend one day, and her muckety muck friend from hollywood was joining us. halfway thru lunch he (a 70 yr old film producer) asks me "so what do you like to do in your spare time?"

    to which i promptly replied "oh i like to surf the internet and watch russian porno while i eat fried chicken".

    the whole table fell silent, and then he bellowed "my god woman - if i were 40 years younger i would marry you"! my gal friend just smiled and said, "see george -i told you she was just like me!"

  3. I need a filter as well! I am terrible, and even worse when I am shit faced! I once told a friend that her boyfriend had at one point in time been fucking two of her good friends, (before they were together) while those two friends were there! I realized this info was not common knowledge and started dying laughing! We all laughed it off, but to this day all of my friends keep a close eye on me when I am drinking. I guess they are waiting for me to tell the story of how my BF's husband put the batteries on my dildo, (it was new) because I couldnt get it to open! LOL

  4. LMAO!!! Well, we are all ruined. Period. My girls put on sprakle lip gloss and I think of yeah...I'm a gonner.

  5. Snorting out loud, spot on as usual. The more comfortable we become with eachother, our bloggy bff's, the more we forget that some people have those things called manners, have attended Cotillion, and would NEVER discuss poop or foreskins in public. However, for myself I try to filter somewhat, but there is nothing like the surprise attack of plain old shock value. And then there's the inevitable "Did I just say that out loud?" shit! Tip: Always have the party at your house, then you won't have to worry about being invited back.

    P.S. @ JJ - I found Waldo!

  6. I'd like to apply for the position of 'filter'. How much does it pay? Aw fuck it. I'll do it for free if it means I get to smack you upside the head multiple times a day! Mwah!

  7. Oh Oh can I apply for the position of "filter" too!!! That would be fun! Getting to smack ya upside the head! @Latchkey Wife and I could take turns!

  8. i enjoy the chatty cathy type as i tend to be quiet and a good listener. talkative people always amaze because of their ability to be themselves, their true unfiltered selves. that's a great quality to have imo:)

  9. I'm still not clear on the purpose of docking but I can only imagine it was invented by someone who obviously didn't have an obsession to keep them busy and on track. Would it be like placing two extension cable heads together, kind of hooked? Actually, don't answer. I'm not even going to Google it.

    JJ, you totally got burned on the scientificy brothers co-worker front. That is hilarious. You will just have to accept that you are famous or infamous now.

  10. I can be your West Coast filter...I think our filter might have a few more layers to it than a New Jersey filter. ;-)

    I, too, find myself talking about things that are probably inappropriate in certain situations. Not quite as blatant as you JJ but, I have, on more than one occasion made Mr. VitR a tad uncomfortable in the presence of others. I, personally, just think all his friends are jealous because he has such a righteous horny wife. Who knows? Maybe they really do feel sorry for him...Ha!

    My vocabulary is growing every day....not in the way my mother had wished for...but it is growing nonetheless.

  11. Oh God. I could have gone the rest of my life not knowing what "docking" is! Thanks, JJ...for that little bit of info. Now, where do I find the bleach to remove it from my brain??

    As for what your friend said, I've had both and quite frankly, I couldn't tell the difference. Once the snake is out of its skin, it's all good! Well, maybe not the one I had but that was more the lack of prowess of the owner than the turtlenecked peen!

    Makes for easier handjobs, though....

  12. You and John Mayer both. Very entertaining anyway! We all wish we were so bold....

  13. i have this odd phobia of nuns (shudders) so i'm still trying to forget about that picture... and remembering what you wrote about... oh yes filters... i think mine only works about 33% of the time. i sure do love those looks people give after you say something and they're trying to figure out if their offend, straight up appalled or like they may have something to add :)
    got keep'em on their toes!

  14. a few years ago, while camping, my friends came up with a term for no filter. we call it "the outloud voice". the voice that you use when drunk and saying things to someone you would never dream of doing sober. we love the outloud voice at my house. filter smilter, who needs it. keep on being inappropriate- we love you for it.

  15. I've had a faulty filter all my life. Friends have told me this is due to my astrological sign (sag with scorpio rising), but I think that's bullshit, and it's just plain me. Part of it is that I'm honest to a fault and will tell you what I'm thinking without much care of how it will be received. Tra la la! But if I had to choose between knowing what you're thinking b/c you're so truthful it hurts to hear it, or being friends with a mean girl bitch who lies right to my face, I'll take the lack of filter most any day. Let's be bunk-ies at sleep away camp, JJ! You can even have the top bunk!

  16. I can soooo relate, absolutely no fucking filter here, of course that could have something to do with my alcoholic tendencies. No, I shock and amaze people sober as well. Why do you think I'm drawn to you people?

  17. thanks to my disgusting guy friends, i also have heard of the mind-boggling sexual practice that is docking. i could've gone my whole life without knowing but...there we are. no such luck.

    you'd be amazed at how many of my friends don't know the depth of my twilight obsession or of my filthy mind. shit, i mean, i ALMOST made fun of my other twilight-y friends when they introduced it to me, and now i've fallen the hardest! books THUD rob THUD twitarded THUD smutty fanfic THUD. i feel like the line "you are my life now" sums up my life at this point for rob's sake!

    i'm socially awkward nerd anyway. with a tendency to be uncomfortably honest. it's what i do. even so, it's gotten to the point now where i can barely hold a conversation without constantly censoring myself.

    thank rob for twitarded.

  18. Docking? I don't get it. How is that even possible? Exactly how much foreskin would a guy need to have to do that? *scratches her head*
    Well there goes my day. Now I'm gonna spend the rest of the day porn-googling.

    WV: "subit" -- Billiardsward could make me subit in a second. I'll never look at a rule in the same way again.

  19. As usual, JJ - you have made my day. RL is really kicking my butt as I search and search and search for a job, but now my day will be spent searching more info on "docking", or do I even dare? Mr. ISeeTwiPeople is starting to get a kick out of all the new things that I tell him I have learned by reading your blog.

    I haven't posted a comment lately, but I have been reading everyday.
    With no job, I feel a little guilty surfing the web and reading FF all day long. I think part of the problem is that I'm waiting for Beautiful Bastard or 50 Shades to hire me as their Executive Assistant!

  20. OMG. That docking post in Urban Dictionary was... well... enlightening... actually it was hilarious. Maybe more than I needed to know, but totally freaktastic.

    Twitarded is really educational. I'm adding new words to my vocabulary every day. My old english teacher would be proud. Or maybe not.

  21. Hmmmm, trying to understand the problem with, "and have a totally unhealthy obsession for Twilight-related smut."!!

    Thanks for the vocab lesson..."docking"....went to UD right away and, well, hmmmmmm, quite the visual that comes to mind! I guess I have not read enough slash fics cuz that was a new one on me!

  22. i have a filter, however thanks to being a native NYer.. it rarely appears in social situations. since developing Twi-itis, i try not to open my mouth in public - no one understands the obsession.

    after a particularly boisterous event (my chef/prof called me out on this one) - i said 'i'll go back inside my box'- my classmate's retort, 'you don't strike me as someone who can go back.'

  23. Ewwwww...docking. Definitely could have done without that.

    My inappropriateness filter isn't too bad, but I do tend to be horribly honest with people. But only people I know. "Sorry, but that kinda does make you look fat." "Your taste in music SUCKS!" "Why would anyone paint a room that colour?" I don't usually beat around the bush. Not unless I have to, anyway ;)

    JJ, we love you in spite of, no wait, BECAUSE of your lack of filters. Mwah!

  24. Twitarded has done wonders for my vocabulary as well.
    I think I have a pretty good filter, but I guess it depends on who you ask...I know there are administrators at work who think my Twiporn around my desk is "inappropriate" and I have conversations about smut in all sorts of settings, but if someone has been offended they've never let me know about it directly - so it doesn't count.

  25. I'm pretty sure the lack of filter is the reason I read Twitarded! How could anyway have an unhealthy obsession with Twilight and all things Twitardia but want to discuss it without such classy phrases as "balls deep"? that's sheer crazy talk!

  26. @jj - thanks for the err vocab lesson. *grin*.

    i don't know if i'm more disturbed that i'm so excited to know the word now, or already looking forward to see how i can interject it into the next conv!

    i always say, knowledge is power. and since i have no VerbFil, i have no doubt "docking" will err come up in the most inappropriate way.

    wot else ya got?;-)

  27. omgs, I don't think I've laughed this hard at a blog post in my entire life. Srsly, every sentence got better. Now I have to go find a tissue or something. I wish I could store some of your stuff in my head and pull them out as one-liners later.

  28. @Z Any Mouse - LOL @ the where's Waldo.

    @LatchkeyWife and Red_Bella - Oh please. You two are just as bad as I am! The three of us would just be slapping each other and yelling all sorts of terrible things. It would be a disaster.

    I really think that every thing I have ever read on Urban Dictionary has made me vomit a little. I'm honored I could share that experience with all you lovely donkey-snatches.

  29. We don't need no stinkin filter!!! Said the girl who told her boss to fuck his mother...

    And yes, I still have my job. Boss just threatens to club me like a baby seal when I step outta line. *shrugs*

  30. Imagine... I could have gone my whole life and thought that when anyone said "docking," I would have thought they were referring to docking a boat. Now if I ever get on a boat again and someone says they are docking the boat, I may have to stab them.

    The complete lack of filter is why I visit Twitarded. Yes, JJ, it may get you in trouble one day, but I am looking forward to reading the post about it. Unfortunately, my own personal filter has to be carefully cultivated, and I love visiting here because I can just let it go and read and talk about things like docking, porn, kidnapping Rob and making him a sex slave, and meat curtains.

  31. Oh Jenny Jerkface, thank you. I will never get the image of docking out of my head again. haha.

    PS - I'll weigh in and say it is so much better. Frigging amazing!


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