Thursday, February 11, 2010

Special Delivery...Jenny Jerkface Style

My inbox has been inundated with..."certain pictures" today. You ladies know me too well, that's all I'm saying. And, before you read this post, if you haven't read the infamous "poop post", do that first.

RPattz - [Whistling] Man, what a day! I can't wait to get away from the rabid fan girls and just go relax in my trailer and take care of business... Good thing I remembered that I was out of toilet paper...
[Opens door] I wonder if I have KStew's journal still. I wanted to read --- OH BLOODY HOLY HELL!! What the FUCK is that stench?! [hesitantly walks over to bathroom, opens door and shrieks like a little girl in horror] JESUS CHRIST!! Someone shite in my loo!! AGAIN!
[Chokes on bile and dials security] - Um, pardon me, gentleman but someone has broken into my trailer and, uh, availed themselves of my WC.

Security officer - WC? Not sure I follow ya', Mr. Pattinson.

RPattz - [closes eyes, pinches bridge of nose and realizes that blocks out the stink that is raping his olfactory glands] Let's put this another way then, shall we? Someone curled some pipe in my toilet. Dropped a log. You know, heaved a havana?

Security - Er, still not following, sir...

RPattz - [curses under breath, lights cigarette] Good lord, mate, really? Someone made a delivery to the porcelain bank. Parked some bark. Said hello to Mr. Hanky.

Security - Uhhhh...

RPattz - [laughing, a little hysterically] A shit, you fool. Some batty bloke broke into my trailer and took a giant crap in my toilet. Someone who likes... beans. And possibly corn. I mean, I can't be sure but I wasn't going to stand there and bloody study the turd!! Did anyone come near my trailer this afternoon?!

Security [shuffling papers and clearly trying not to fucking die laughing] - Well, Mr. Pattinson, it appears a "J.J." signed in this afternoon, about an hour ago. Said she had a special delivery for you.

RPattz - [laughing, a little more hysterically] A special delivery?! Oh, it was special, all right. Wait, what did she look like?

Security - Short and lumpy. She had glasses and red hair. Kinda looked like Velma from Scooby Doo, now that I think of it.

RPattz - [Groans and does a facepalm] I should have known it was that red-headed nutter! She followed me from New York!! I need to stop that barmy lass once and for all. I'm tired of finding her bum bananas in my toilet. Get the search dogs!!

RPattz - [Looking thoroughly disgusted as he sticks a stained t-shirt in front of the dog's nose] Okay, boy, take this t-shirt and catch that bitch's scent. That's right. Now, go get her! Feel free to break the skin, too.

Security guard - Aren't you being a little harsh about this, Mr. Pattinson? I mean, you're British. Aren't you supposed to be unfailingly polite?

RPattz - Sir, did you see the t-shirt that the dog was sniffing?

Security - Yes...

RPattz - It's mine. And do you want to know why the dog was sniffing my t-shirt to find this twatty little poop bandit?

Security - Er, no...

RPattz - BECAUSE I WAS OUT OF BLOODY TOILET PAPER!!!

P.S. I now have to go do some kind of voodoo dance and pray like hell that Robert Pattinson never EVER stumbles across this post. Along with about twenty other ones on this blog.

P.P.S. - In case you were caught unawares, these were taken from the Bel Ami set.

P.P.S. - If someone feels the urge to tell me what an immature doucheknuckle I am for this post - eat my vagina. Plus, it's old news anyway (the immature doucheknuckle part, not my vagina)

P.P.P.S - If anyone gets offended and thinks I'm mocking the British because I probably slaughtered their slang - get over it. I'm from Jersey. I offend everyone. Plus I love all our readers across the pond. And everywhere else.

83 comments:

  1. You are the funniest doucheknuckle in the world. I'm pretty sure. Well, maybe tied with STY... and Ellen... a three-way tie. I DIED laughing reading this. Just what I needed - thanks!

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  2. Dude, that post was inspired. I look at that first pic and think, "Everybody poops." Even the precious (sorry STY).

    There's a prize winning children's story there somewhere. Wait. Never mind.

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  3. JJ- You are fucking hilarous. I don't know if I am losing it after being snowed in for a week, or what, but I found this to be hystarical. My dogs are staring at me like I have finally cracked!
    Why is Rob holding TP turning me on so?????


    Verif=Whers
    Whers that damn JJ?, I know she is lurking around my bloody trailor still...

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  4. JJ, Only you could get me to laugh this much about poop. I LOVED your spin on the British lingo - sounded fabulous to me!

    Fkat

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  5. I just have to comment to say ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    WV: entels (as in, the entels of my bowels)

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  6. girl, you so crazy.

    i think the british lingo was the best part.

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  7. Brilliant, as always, JJ!

    What I don't understand is how I can get so disgusted when the hubs talks poop, but can giggle like a schoolgirl when you do it...huh. Anyway, thanks for the laugh!

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  8. Bloody brilliant! The post, not the poop. I hope...

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  9. When I saw that pic today, I just knew it would end up on here. I have been laughing uncontrollably for awhile now. Everytime I think about it I burst into tears again. My husband thinks I am a fuckin lunatic..

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  10. LMFAO
    Thanks for the laugh after finding out about the removal of EP from fanfic. (I know I'm late for the party on that news too)
    *Hey, I know about Tara Sue Me's stories and now EP, what else is gone?*

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  11. Poop, RPatts, and JennyJerkface! How could a post get any fucking funnier?!

    And the Brit-speak was a great touch!

    Thanks for making my day a little shittier and funnier, JJ!

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  12. OH JJ you are all kinds of funny..even if it was poop humor.The way you used the pics was win. I'll gladly crawl under a rock w/ you if Rob ever hears about the stuff Ive done in 'admiration' for him.

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  13. Holy fuck dude. That was the funniest fucking thing ever. I love your poop posts!

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  14. I`m dyin``!!! You are killing me, Jenny J. LMFAO!

    How many ways of saying `shit` can we come up with??

    Oh...now I have to pee from laughing so hard!!

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  15. Holy "SHIT"

    When I saw this picture this morning, lit'rally the very first thing I thought of was YOU!!!!

    I could NOT wait for tonight's post. And like, in Rob's Trailer's toilet....you delivered... a great big one!

    Thanks! and kisses! (and poo poo)

    Donna

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  16. *slapping on her best Ron Weasley impersonation*. That was BLOODY BRILLIANT! And the South Park reference wasn't too bad either JJ.

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  17. This post is the shit........'parked some bark'............you're sick.

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  18. When I saw Rob going into his trailer, I said, OH NO! Something evil comes this way. Unleash the hounds! LOL

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  19. Being one of the ones who emailed you those two pics, you already know that you were the first one I thought of. The fact that he was carrying toilet paper was funny enough. The fact that he was carrying toilet paper into his trailer given your previous poop post, was craptastic!!!!!

    Love the way you turned it into an actual joke with a punch line at the end. Bloody brilliant ;)

    Lisa

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  20. Ah, classic JJ. Thanks for the poop jokes, a light hearted end to my day!

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  21. Why is he even hotter holding TP? Oh yeah...because my husband doesn't. That's one more thing RPatz has that he doesn't---toilet paper in his hand.

    HYSTERICAL post JJ...think bad of you????? NEVER!!!! MWAH!!!!

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  22. bwahahahahhahahaha! oh the moment I saw the TP in his hands I knew I was gonna need to pee before I finished reading this post. JJ, you are the master!


    ps...a little pee still sneaked out by the end of this post. thx.

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  23. O.O

    Sort of horrified and thinking this is hilarious all at once.

    The pictures of Rob are just to die for...

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  24. I saw that picture today and thought, "this is hard core Twitarded material..can't wait to read tonight.."

    Jenny, you kill me! Thanks for the great big belly laugh!

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  25. Jenny, you're the only person who could ever pull off a post of this magnitude. Only you :)

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  26. POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP. I'm a fan.

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  27. Can't...stop...laughing...
    Thank fuck I wasn't drinking anything. My laptop would be wetter than a Twitard's undies after the VF photos. Mmmm, VF photos...

    Nobody makes me laugh like you do JJ, you twatty little poop bandit. And your Brit slang isn't bad at all. When you live next door to someone, you tend to borrow stuff (The Brits have better TV, we have better booze) like slang. Maybe Stan and co would disagree, but I think you did pretty well :)

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  28. So JJ who did you pay to get that photo? It couldn't be a more perfect lead in for yet another chapter Poop in the Trailer saga.

    Mr. VitR calls taking a shit "Taking a Grumpy"....try and weave that into your next poop post.

    BTW is there nothing this man can do that isn't sexy to me? Even being caught transporting one loan roll of toilet paper into his trailer is kind of a turn on. I know I am sick.

    v/w: 'enolog' Well anything that mentions log at this point seems fitting.

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  29. OMG... can't breathe, can't stop laughing... this just ended up killing me:

    RPattz - BECAUSE I WAS OUT OF BLOODY TOILET PAPER!!!

    can't even think straight enough to comment properly. this was insane. thanks for the laughs, JJ! it makes it so much easier for me to wait for 15 Step updates when we've got JJ poop adventures to tide us over.

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  30. @VitaminR: not sure where i *ahem* came upon it...but i have been using the phrase 'rub a grumpy' for a few months now. maybe i read it somwheres in the twiblogosphere...can't claim it, but it's a keeper.

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  31. I am so glad that there are Twinuts who are even crazier than me!

    That was soooo brilliant!

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  32. Oh fuck me that was good mate!

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  33. You are awesome....only you could take a innocent pic of RPattz holding a roll of toilet paper (Okay, that is kinda weird - can't someone do that for him? Jesus Christ, he's friggin Robert Pattinson!) and turn into a fucking hilarious, piss in your pants post. Thank you JJ for making my day!

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  34. You will be proud to know that as soon as I saw that picture, I thought of JJ. Specifically becasue of the poop in the RM set trailer! Bwahahaha!

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  35. lmfao! That was amazing! I haven't laughed that hard at 8am in a loong ass time :) You are awesome JJ :)

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  36. Can't seem to stop giggling...once again. You're a sick, sick, funny ass bitch you know that?! Thank God!

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  37. Thank Christ I read this post just now. You just made my morning. You are hilarious JJ!!!

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  38. Lesson learned? Never say yes when JJ asks if you wanna come along when she drops the kids off at the pool.

    You are a filthy little piglet, & you make me lulz til I'm herniated. x

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  39. I wanna be that dog... I would totally lick his hand... maybe even sneak in a crotch 'sniff'...

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  40. Ya know what's sick?

    Aside from the obvious...

    When I saw the TP pic, my first thought was NOT that Sparkly planned to wipe his bum with it.

    Seriously.

    My first mental image was Precious using it to catch the splooge-age after tossing one off whilst Skyping with his beloved.

    I know. Fuckin' sick, right?

    I'm sure it's more innocent ass-wiping function was all that was at work here, now that you've made me see the light, JJ.

    God, I need therapy.

    BADLY.

    MC
    The Cougar's Den

    PS
    My "word verification" to post this comment was DERAV(in) which is clearing GOD speaking to me to confirm that I'm nuckin' futs.

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  41. @Mama Cougar - Mary, I loved you before, but now I fucking love you hard!!! I would much rather have the image of him rubbing one out while Skyping with KStew than one of him wiping his ass. You just made my day.

    @Mrs. P - Robsten :) Woot woot!

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  42. PMSL toilet humour at it's best

    Just one teeny tiny point to make here Um, pardon me, gentleman but someone has broken into my trailer and, uh, availed themselves of my WC.

    As a fellow Brit I think RPatz would have said the loo instead of WC. Or if you're really common you'd call it the bog.

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  43. Bum bananas.......still giggling over that one! My new fave....

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  44. LMFAO! JJ you are fucking hilarious.

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  45. bum bananas? hahahahahahaaaaaa!!!! i swear, where do you come up with this shit? (pun totally intended)

    love ya ladies, as always!

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  46. Tee hee! When I first saw those pics I didn't even realize he had the toilet paper! Then when I finally enlarged the picture and saw the TP I almost peed myself in excitement.

    I really tried not to butcher the slang but holy shit some of those words were insane!!

    I really wanted to use "chunder" but I couldn't work it in.

    There will always be a next time.

    Poor RPattz. I hope if he ever reads this shit he laughs.

    Fuck that - I hope he never reads it.

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  47. @JJ - Fuck that - I hope you actually get to poop in his trailer and it's on TMZ and every other major media outlet. LMAO!!!

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  48. Haha! Holy hell! This made finishing my taxes all the more enjoyable.

    I think your Jersey-to-English was spot on. Have you seen the Britt's slang list on Peevish.com?

    @JJ- Your poop post could have used this little vocab nugget: UK Slang- Air Biscuit. Noun. An expulsion of air from the anus, a fart. See 'float an air biscuit'.

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  49. Fantastic! I love a good poop story even if it isn't true (yet).

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  50. I like to think that rpattz was posin' with the TP just to catch JJ's attention.

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  51. ooops...just fell of my chair laughing! Thank you so much JJ, really needed that today!

    Love from Anna, Amsterdam, the Netherlands

    ps. Since English isn't my first language and I'm a total dork when it comes to abbreviatons (i'm not even sure how to spell that, see what I mean!) what does LMAO (or LMFAO, although I can guess what the F stands for ;) ) mean?

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  52. Ok. My mind was at the same place as Mama Cougar's. That's not the ass-wiping TP - that's the spunk-wiping TP. Spunk-wiping TP for Spunk Ransom.

    Anyhoo, have ypu seen this! It's effin' awesome! http://oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com/462027.html#cutid1

    It's like 5 parts, it's loooooong and it's oh. so. funny.

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  53. lol! that's so funny i liked the Velma comparison i wish i could compare myself to character too :D
    well invented something less hilarious pls check the life of edward pic spam...
    http://thecoldoneofegypt.blogspot.com/2010/02/life-of-edward-cullen-pic-spam.html

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  54. Bloody Americans.

    Every time i've been to America they make me repeat everything i say and then giggle at me.

    Random american shopper in supermarket "Excuse me maaaaaam? What did you say?"

    Me "Oh? I was just talking to my Mum?"

    RASIS "My muum. My Muuhum. My maaaaahm, hehehehehehheheh"

    Yeah I speak English properly! And as it happens, yes actually i'm unfailingly polite unless you jump the queue.

    Pushy American Shopper "QUEUE?!! (at a zillion decibels) QUEUE?!?! IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL A LINE?!"

    We may be polite but we're really stroppy passive-aggressive gobshites if you catch us on a bad day..

    Missing Twitardia by the way! Barely checking in at the mo! xx

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  55. A+++
    Would fap again!

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  56. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  57. Okay...I'll add to the grossness and suggest to some sick effers about how that trailer will have to be "emptied" at some point. We have some rich deposits in there...Ebay anyone?? Now that's sick! I'll sign off now! Yours would be worth something, too JJ!!

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  58. Drop a load at Twilight SagaPalooza tonight and play Drunk Mad Libs. http://twilightsagapalooza.blogspot.com/2010/02/sweet-buns-and-vd-its-drunk-mad-libs.html

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  59. THANK YOU! I soooo needed to laugh. I have to wipe away the tears while I write this because I was laughing so hard. (My in-laws are here and the DH has turned into a bratty 2 year old.)

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  60. 2 days later and I am still giggling at this. I want to share it with someone, but I know that the "others" in my life might not get it!! I am sure they would not get it.


    verif word-worme
    WTF??

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  61. @MySharona: I know, it sucks doesn't it?! I get that EVERY TIME I'm in the States. "Your accent is sooooo cute! Do the Lucky Charms ad!" Feckin Americans.

    @Anonymous Anna: It means Laughing My Ass Off, and you're right about the F ;)

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  62. @Banshee and @MySharona - If it makes you feel any better, my fellow American mock the fuck out of my accent. And they don't think it's cute. Trust me.

    They're all "ooooh say "cawfeee' and "tawk".

    Fuckers.

    ;)

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  63. OMG I haven't laughed that hard in a long time...sad but true!! My hubby and daughter think I've gone comepletely insane!! Poor RPattz but I can't help but LMAO!! I love the British lingo. Thanks ladies!! Hugs

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  64. Damn it girl! Did you get any real fuckin' work done today? That was bloody brilliant! Good job!

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  65. @JJ: Actually, that does make me feel a bit better, thanks :) That happens here too, especially with the Cork accent because it just sucks.

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  66. @Banshee713 - The Jersey accent actually lowers your IQ by at 20 points. For (fawr) reals. As STY can attest to, my accent is so bad even other Jerseyans make fun of it.

    Whateva. Fuck them. lol.

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  67. OMG! I HAVE to remember not to drink two glasses of Coke before reading your blog. Or at least I should relieve myself first. My husband must think I'm totally gone now... Oh well, thanks for the laughs. I'm now an official "follower". You rock in my douchebook!

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  68. @JJ: lol, the Northside Dublin (think Colin Farrell) accent does the same thing here. No matter how smart you are, having this accent will make you sound as thick as shite. Just ask my mom...

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  69. JJ, I just want you to know that a full 12 hours after reading this post, I thought of it while driving last night and cracked up laughing out loud, by myself, in my car, over RPatts toilet humor. I really don't know what this says about myself, but thanks again for the hilarity.

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  70. @ Banshee713: thanks so much for your reply! I feel soooo much smarter now :D Anna

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  71. LOVE IT!! if you are an immature doucheknuckle, then, so am I!!

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  72. OMG I haven't laughed that hard in a long time...sad but true!! My hubby and daughter think I've gone comepletely insane!! Poor RPattz but I can't help but LMAO!! I love the British lingo. Thanks ladies!! Hugs

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  73. Bloody Americans.

    Every time i've been to America they make me repeat everything i say and then giggle at me.

    Random american shopper in supermarket "Excuse me maaaaaam? What did you say?"

    Me "Oh? I was just talking to my Mum?"

    RASIS "My muum. My Muuhum. My maaaaahm, hehehehehehheheh"

    Yeah I speak English properly! And as it happens, yes actually i'm unfailingly polite unless you jump the queue.

    Pushy American Shopper "QUEUE?!! (at a zillion decibels) QUEUE?!?! IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL A LINE?!"

    We may be polite but we're really stroppy passive-aggressive gobshites if you catch us on a bad day..

    Missing Twitardia by the way! Barely checking in at the mo! xx

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  74. You will be proud to know that as soon as I saw that picture, I thought of JJ. Specifically becasue of the poop in the RM set trailer! Bwahahaha!

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  75. @VitaminR: not sure where i *ahem* came upon it...but i have been using the phrase 'rub a grumpy' for a few months now. maybe i read it somwheres in the twiblogosphere...can't claim it, but it's a keeper.

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  76. I am so glad that there are Twinuts who are even crazier than me!

    That was soooo brilliant!

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  77. Jenny, you're the only person who could ever pull off a post of this magnitude. Only you :)

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