RPattz - [Whistling] Man, what a day! I can't wait to get away from the rabid fan girls and just go relax in my trailer and take care of business... Good thing I remembered that I was out of toilet paper...
[Opens door] I wonder if I have KStew's journal still. I wanted to read --- OH BLOODY HOLY HELL!! What the FUCK is that stench?! [hesitantly walks over to bathroom, opens door and shrieks like a little girl in horror] JESUS CHRIST!! Someone shite in my loo!! AGAIN!
[Chokes on bile and dials security] - Um, pardon me, gentleman but someone has broken into my trailer and, uh, availed themselves of my WC.
Security officer - WC? Not sure I follow ya', Mr. Pattinson.
RPattz - [closes eyes, pinches bridge of nose and realizes that blocks out the stink that is raping his olfactory glands] Let's put this another way then, shall we? Someone curled some pipe in my toilet. Dropped a log. You know, heaved a havana?
Security - Er, still not following, sir...
RPattz - [curses under breath, lights cigarette] Good lord, mate, really? Someone made a delivery to the porcelain bank. Parked some bark. Said hello to Mr. Hanky.
Security - Uhhhh...
RPattz - [laughing, a little hysterically] A shit, you fool. Some batty bloke broke into my trailer and took a giant crap in my toilet. Someone who likes... beans. And possibly corn. I mean, I can't be sure but I wasn't going to stand there and bloody study the turd!! Did anyone come near my trailer this afternoon?!
Security [shuffling papers and clearly trying not to fucking die laughing] - Well, Mr. Pattinson, it appears a "J.J." signed in this afternoon, about an hour ago. Said she had a special delivery for you.
RPattz - [laughing, a little more hysterically] A special delivery?! Oh, it was special, all right. Wait, what did she look like?
Security - Short and lumpy. She had glasses and red hair. Kinda looked like Velma from Scooby Doo, now that I think of it.
RPattz - [Groans and does a facepalm] I should have known it was that red-headed nutter! She followed me from New York!! I need to stop that barmy lass once and for all. I'm tired of finding her bum bananas in my toilet. Get the search dogs!!
RPattz - [Looking thoroughly disgusted as he sticks a stained t-shirt in front of the dog's nose] Okay, boy, take this t-shirt and catch that bitch's scent. That's right. Now, go get her! Feel free to break the skin, too.
Security guard - Aren't you being a little harsh about this, Mr. Pattinson? I mean, you're British. Aren't you supposed to be unfailingly polite?
RPattz - Sir, did you see the t-shirt that the dog was sniffing?
Security - Yes...
RPattz - It's mine. And do you want to know why the dog was sniffing my t-shirt to find this twatty little poop bandit?
Security - Er, no...
RPattz - BECAUSE I WAS OUT OF BLOODY TOILET PAPER!!!
P.S. I now have to go do some kind of voodoo dance and pray like hell that Robert Pattinson never EVER stumbles across this post. Along with about twenty other ones on this blog.
P.P.S. - In case you were caught unawares, these were taken from the Bel Ami set.
P.P.S. - If someone feels the urge to tell me what an immature doucheknuckle I am for this post - eat my vagina. Plus, it's old news anyway (the immature doucheknuckle part, not my vagina)
P.P.P.S - If anyone gets offended and thinks I'm mocking the British because I probably slaughtered their slang - get over it. I'm from Jersey. I offend everyone. Plus I love all our readers across the pond. And everywhere else.