Thursday, March 25, 2010

Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing, Baby!

As the resident Twitarded 'waxpert' (a title just recently bestowed upon me by Snarkier Than You), I wanted to do a little follow up to the waxy post from this past Sunday. Today, both Madame Tussaud's locations in New York and London revealed the Robert Pattinson wax figure to hoards of screaming fans. I couldn't be there because I'm far away, and I'm starting to question Jenny Jerkface's commitment to this blog because she couldn't even be bothered to get off her lazy ass and head on over to Time's Square this morning for a looksy. Work is for pussies, Jenny.

Ta-daaaaaaa! Come to mama! Oh right, you're not real and you can't walk so wait there, I'm on my way!

Um, hands off 'the precious' bitches. Don't make me come down there and open up a can of big ol' whoopass on you sluts.

I think the finished product is great. I love what they've done with his hair and the outfit is perfect... the fucking white v-neck t-shirt makes me a bit sweaty. But something just isn't right and my inability to figure it out is really starting to piss me off. So I spent an absurd amount of time this morning pouring over pictures of Waxy Pattz and comparing them to some of my favorite smirky Rob photos to try and figure out what's off.

Is it just me, or does smirky Rob look like he's up to no good? And by no good, I mean he's thinking about doing dirty things to me.

I came to the conclusion, after hours of research... it's definitely his mouth. There's just something amiss with that amazing mouth. I even went so far as taking screen caps from the ET video and compared them side by side with the real thing. (As you can tell, not much work was getting done today in my world.) Is it his lips? Is it the space between his nose and upper lip? Is it the laugh lines? Fucked if I know. Can you figure it out? For chrissakes ladies, we spend enough time staring at his mouth, we should be able to figure this out.

And also I think he eyebrows need to be a little darker. And personally, I would have liked a thicker beard. And maybe a little bulge in his britches. And maybe not the pointy shoes. And why did they need to hide the finger porn? I know, I'm a picky whore, but who cares.

Watch out O Waxy One, I'm coming for you!

Don't worry, none of the flaws in the waxy RPattz will keep me from fondling the shit out of him and determining for myself if they made him anatomically correct. I've already got some of my photo shoot poses planned. One of just us in a loving embrace that I can show off to my family. One of me kneeling in front of him (checking to make sure his zipper is working, of course!) One of me cupping his waxy balls. One of me dry humping his leg. I'm pretty sure by the time I'm finished with him, Madame Tussaud's will have pinned a lifetime ban on my whorey ass. It will be totally worth it though... now if I can just convince Mr. Latchkey that a trip into the City is a good idea, I can set my evil plan in motion.


  1. I found this today. Does it help at all?

  2. I'm not sure the wax people did him justice. He looks Like a super crackhead skinny dark haired Leonardo decaprio/Orlando bloom hybrid trying to be Rob. I'm not gonna lie and say I totes wouldn't grope waxrob though! I sooooo would. The hair is perfect.

  3. I agree with you Latchkey, Waxpattz is slightly off. I think it's not only his mouth, but his jawline/chin. It's too narrow. And that is a god dammed shame because he has one of the sexiest jaws around.

    Waxpattz also has the longest freakin' neck. He can see clear to Forks from NYC with it!

  4. I think they made his neck too long. It throws everything out of proportion. Still hot, though.

  5. The smile is backwards. His lips usually pull up on the left not the right. And the eyebrows need just a tad bit more of an arch. And they need to take a cheese slicer to his chin and tone it down a bit. It looks like Rob got an extra chin implant. He doesn't need it, his chin is already perfect.

  6. OMG, he has a fucking go go gadget neck!! Damn those wax artists!

    Love the comparison chart, thanks Dangrdafne!

  7. Mcdreamy / Hugh Jackman hybrid, I tells ya!!!! There's just something OFF!

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  9. @hypo vag--- you crack me up!!!!!

  10. LKW - My first assessment was that his neck is way too long, and his brows are too straight. With a smirk like that, he'd definitely be arching them a bit. I also think his lips are fuller than that. Also, when he smiles his eyes are more open than that.
    I actually think the sideview looks a bit more like him - you can see his cheekbones and his profile is damn close.
    So...I'm thinking they should offer all of Rob's REAL fans free admission. You know...for messing up WaxRob. Damn it. They missed a golden opportunity to single-handedly financially support the whole operation with ONE statue.
    Oh well.

  11. I think it is his eyes! Something about them, he normally has his eyes open more, and since when are the bags under his eyes that bad! But I will fondel him, Someone should bring a sparkle peen and pad those trousers!!
    @Latchkey, you are so right go go gadget is dead on!

  12. @HypoVag you're a pisser, love the Disney ride idea!
    His hairs perfect, his neck looks like a turtle & yeah @Laphipps he does have a sorta Hugh Jackman look about him. WHERE'S THE FINGER PORN? Probably impossible to recreate.
    w/v accipt, we'll just have to accipt what we get.

  13. Yeah, it's a bit off, but I'm still sooo gonna feel it up next time I'm in London. Which may be quite a long time away since I'm broke. Anyhoo, Waxward may not be perfect, but it's still as close as I'm ever gonna get.

    @HypoVag: LMAO!! You rock.

  14. Wow, wouldnt it be something if this was stolen by a crazed fan? And what a coincidence it would be if the Carrie Fisher figure was stolen at the same time.

    If someone thinking about doing this actually had some willing accomplices (for a change), they would probably meet up sometime like TOMORROW at 42nd and 6th. Suppose there was an unmarked white van on the corner. I imagine if this were to actually happen, you'd know its a friendly if you use the challenge phrase "Do you think humping wax figures is weird" to which the proper response will be "Oh Hell no, lets do this!"

    BTW-If this actually does get stolen and I wind up in prison for my jackassery, I am going to be pissed.

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  16. @CF4Life: Ever seen Strangers on a Train? Get a Twitard with no motive for stealing Carrie Fisher to get her for you, and then get the RPattz figure for them. Problem solved! I'd do it but I live too far away. Sigh...

  17. @ CF4Life - Oh I do hope you don't end up in jail if it happens... unless of course it is you who steals them and this is all a ploy to take the heat of you, hmmmmm?? LMAO!!

  18. My thoughts on waxy Rob:

    His eyes are so wrong. RL Rob has a lower top eye lid over his left eye. His right eye is more open. Waxy Rob's eyes are too symmetrical and squinty.

    His head is a little too narrow (doesn't do justice to the jaw) and his facial hair is too dark.

    And the laugh lines around his mouth wont be there for another 10 years. (although at the rate he ages, maybe sooner) Lips are not pouty and pink enough.

    Hair: spot on!

    Long lean body: perfect!

    Wish we could see more of those fingers though! The thumbs seem long enough.

    Is it weird that I could probably describe the finest details of Rob with my eyes closed?

    God, I need a life.

  19. The eyes are too squinted. He has such beautiful green eyes, but his eyes do not narrow this much when he smiles in RL.

    Throw a pair of black RayBans on him and it would seal the deal for me.

  20. I'll say what I said to @Mrs.P at Twibite yesterday...
    Rob + Wax = Fail Fail Motherfucking Fail!!!

    You need some fucking monster balls to try to recreate perfection with human hands.

    That's all have to say about that.


  21. Yep - Face too long, brows not enough arch, eyes are too squinty, too baggy and no spark, chin too long, neck waaaaaaaay too long, shoulders too narrow, face generally looks too OLD and just kind of Generic Man, which Rob definitely ain't. The Leo D things was kind of interesting - I can see it.

    Whatever - there is no excuse for getting the freaking PROPORTIONS wrong. This can be measured, people! That really pisses me off. The more subtle things (like lack of Eye Sparkle) I can't fault. I never seen a wax figure yet that didn't look a wax figure.

    Oh - and he looks MUCH worse from the side. The Jaw Porn is one of my faves, and I dunno, I just get distracted by the weird head shape from the side. He looks like a middle aged country western singer.

  22. Yeah, it's just wrong. Like all wax figures. Weird and wrong. Western civilization is just plain wacko on this one.

  23. I think they did a good job overall, but the neck is too long, the eyes are off, and even the jaw is off.

    But really, how do you duplicate perfection?

    But I am looking forward to the picture of LKW gripping a pair of waxy balls. Awesome.

    I know I am REALLY behind, but I just saw Remember Me. I loved it, hated it, and will not think of the movie for a long time without a tear. Fucking movie.

  24. @cf4life...ok so now i gotta kno.

    WTF does the CF stand for? (i've got my own idea but i wanna hear you say it. out loud.)

    ps. i'll steal that crazy wax bitch carrie fisher for ya.

    i'm your huckleberry.

    vw: wadoo

    so wadoo ya think about fuckax robward?

  25. not into the waxward. atal.

    it would be like touching a dead body. seriously.

    harsh's my mello.

  26. ok, to me, his hair is a bit amiss, theres supposed to be little tiny wisps falling over his eyes (haven't these damn curators or whatever they're called read a fanfic?! it's what Bella lusts after and wants to brush aside!!)
    his lips look good, but not quite wide enough. The real Rob's lips are full, but there's a little kinda dimple thing at either end when he smirks...they've missed that. And I totally agree STY, his brows are too plucked...
    oh, and his forehead (brow) is a bit botox for me--i get that it's a wax figure, but come on people, you call yourselves professionals!!

    and fellow Twitarded fans--I think it's time we dared STY & JJ to steal waxward...let the shenanigans begin!! lol

  27. The error is his jawline. The angle at which his jawlines comes down to meet his chin is too steep, therfore, making his chin appear more narrow than it should be to portray Rob properly. If I sqwint my eyes, though, it looks more like Rob and I can imagine myself seriously molesting this wax figure if I ever get to NYC.

  28. I think Waxward should come to FOOORRRRKKKS with us, don't you? Ah, the fun we could have... I just know that JJ, STY, and LKW can accomplish anything if they put their evil minds together.

  29. In my opinion, it's the eyes and the mouth. The eyes are too narrow and not the right colour. He has nice open eyes. These are beady and squinty.

    And the mouth. Too wide and the lips are too thin.

    However....I love that they got those adorable, lickable freckles on the left side of his face bang on!

    And the profile is really quite good, considering he didn't sit for any sculpting sessions.

    As for the hair, yes. It's very nice but I find it rather disturbing that girls are running their fingers through "Rob's" hair. NOT Rob's hair.....probably yak hair.

    But it is purdy!

  30. I love how we're all so protective of Rob and his features! I think it's interesting that he didn't have any involvement in the wax figure so there was really no way for them to ever get him exactly spot on. They couldn't do any real life fondling to get his, ahem, measurements right. And it does kind of look like the melded all different sorts of looks together... but they over did it. Seriously though, who's the fucking retard that looked at the pictures and decided to give him the inspector gadget neck? Meh, still planning on a molesting mission because it's still the closest I'll ever get for a picture! I wonder if he's bendy?

  31. i think it's the fact that they have the smile wrong. when he smiles with his mouth closed its more of a shy thing in public, not a smile he throws out any old time!

  32. Agreed with @wendy= It is impossible to duplicate perfection. The main issue is the wax part. Nothing can ever come close to the real deal. That said, I would totally attempt to fondle his waxy self. I have a very good imagination.

  33. I saw those comparison pics and definitely think it's his lips and the chin size...waxyRob's chin is a tad too long...and his eyes are not perfect either...but if you couldn't have him in the flesh, wouldn't you rather have this than FSE? Hmmm cardboard vs. wax???

  34. @HypoVAg and @Nevermind - the CF stands for "Carrie Fisher". It originated as a heated debate with JJ where I tried to point out I have been heavily criticized my whole life for my obsession, yet she and her followers are not criticized in the least for theirs.

    I don't recall which post comments this was from, but a series of exchanges ensued, and once again I was a defeated star wars nerd. Dammit, that JJ has some sassy phrases to shut a guy down. But her wit won me over to become a follower here.

  35. uh, @CF4LIFE - we DO get criticized - just not HERE - lol...

    As far as wax figures go, this could have been worse... BUT it's a shame they got the facial features all wrong. why would thy give him big bags under his eyes? Were they looking at some very, very "tired Rob" pics that day?? I don't get it... his eyes are not quite so deep-set. and the brows DO need a touch more wildness and an arch. {{{sigh}}} ok - the mouth - THAT'S a disappointment - lol! So is the neck and the jam. and the too-dark stubble. And while I think the clothes they chose look ok, it's not really an outfit that looks typical of what he wears either on the red carpet or off - it's like they tried to smush the two looks together and, well, fail.

    OK maybe I am just extra hissy because I have a toothache and am on meds and didn't sleep last night, so I should shut up now. probably.

    oh and @dangrdafne - that side-by-side was great! thx for pointing it out!

    : )

  36. yep, neck is too long.

    how hilarious will it be when you are taking pictures with waxy rob in forks!?!? worth going to jail...possibly. twitarded will be soooo famous. and i bet rob will bail you out.

    @cf4 - it's the gold bikini isn't it?

  37. I think the problem is proportion. Maybe it's the angle but it looks like his head and neck are far too close to being the same mass as his abdomen.

    It's a "Robblehead"

  38. ***Sigh***
    They defineatly missed the mark.
    I'll probably never get to see it but I would be doing all the nasty pictures with it just for fun!

  39. @CF4Life - If you put Rob O' Wax in the gold bikini with a cinnamon roll hair-do, and then CF in a Wolverine wig, you should be able to sneak them both out, no problem.

  40. It looks more like a skinny Dane Cook than the precious. The eyes are off and the eyebrows and the face parts...The hair is okay.

  41. His eyes are too close together, and the nose is either too long or not thin enough!

  42. HI! i really enjoy your blog. I haven't posted comments--I think-- so here I am leaving one...

    I didn't like the wax Rob as much as I LOVE the real Rob. I found this pic where they look fairly similar. My sisters and I have a little blog we started recently where we discuss FF and Rob :). We talked about the jaw and the eyes as the biggest fail . Here is the link to the pictures side by side

  43. I'm SO glad you posted on this. It's been driving me batty ever since I saw it too. I haven't been able to put my finger on it. I mean....I would SO love to go and see it, but it's still "off" to me. hmm

  44. I have been cracking up over all the comments. My coworker said to me, "whatever you are reading can't possibly be THAT funny!"

    Oh but it is!

    He definitely warrants an up close and personal examination.

    @CF--I hope in 30+ years from now I will be so devoted to use an
    RP4Life tag!

  45. Yep, the neck and nose/lip area are all wrong, but I wouldn't kick WaxPatz outta bed...the hair is spot on!!!!

  46. As long as you don't get too close to WaxRob and ignore the bizarre neck, he isn't completely awful. Love the hair, though (even though I prefer the sex hair. Especially if I'm responsible for sex hair on the Precious, that is).

  47. I admit I am not going to go thru all of the comments cause I just got back from Palm Springs and the sun has zapped all of my energy.

    Sooo....I think it's the jaw...not square enough. AND, his neck is too long.

    But, I'd still squeeel like 13 year old if I saw Waxy Rob in person. There, I said it.

    xoxo J

  48. I'm sorry, but neither version blows up my skirt. What looks off to me is........his fucking eyes look brown in the paraffin version. The real thing has great eyes for Kristen to stare into when she's flat on her back.t

  49. Does the wax version packin'?

  50. It's the booze - sorry - IS the wax version packin' or a no show?

  51. The wax version's eyes are too squinty. Also he doesn't have bags under his eyes in any of those other pics you posted of the real Rob. Yes, the wax version is cool and they did a good job, but it's not like the real thing. :-)

  52. It's definitely the jaw. The people website had a pic of the real Precious and the wax one and you could tell immediately where they messed up.

  53. I'm sure this is covering ground already covered, so sorry bout that ( I have about 30 seconds here and didn't have time to read all the lovely comments that came before)

    1) Rob picked out the clothes, they're actually Rob's clothes that he gave to Madame Tusaude's (sp?)

    2) for me the biggest ones are the upper lip is too full, and the smile lines aren't in the right place so it looks almost as if he's sneering at something than smiling

    3) and the eyes, usually you can see white under his pupils, here you can't, he's too squinty

    4) still will do inapropriate things to it if I ever get a chance ...

  54. grr, heard they were his clothes picked out by him ... having trouble finding the source I read it from ... will post when I find it ...

    vw = whine ... cracks me up, the vw always seems to have me pegged!

  55. We all know that he has been very famous after his first movie and this is the reason why all the girls are crazy about him.
    fit flop


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