Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Back to the Daily Twi-Bump n' Grind

Now that my liver has begrudgingly forgiven me for the amount of damage I inflicted on it and its friends, it's time to shake off the last vestiges of my awesome adventure and get back to the daily nonsense, trials and twi-bulations.

The worst thing about taking a few days off is just how far behind you are when you get back. While I was out chasing down bands, meeting new friends and getting a really awkward sunburn, my life continued to spin without me at home.

And, frankly, it's kind of depressing. There were 287 possibly unfriendly emails waiting for me when I went into work yesterday along with oodles of paperwork to sift through. I was really tempted to just take a big poop on my desk and walk out but I have a mortgage to pay so shitting on stuff probably isn't very "adult-y" (or "I want to remain employed-y", for that matter).

Oh yeah? Go suck a dick.

The house isn't in much better shape than my liver - dirty dishes are piled precariously all over the place, clothes and bags seem haphazardly flung about and I'm seriously considering doing the "inside out" with my panties because I really need to do laundry THAT bad. Also, I'm 99% positive I'm growing tools of biological warfare in both the refrigerator and Gizmo's litter box. Fuck it, I'm even eating Ramen noodles for dinner. I haven't done that shit since I was a ridiculously poor college stoner student. (The fact that I'm more horrified by eating Ramen noodles than I am about wearing dirty underwear inside out speaks volumes but I'd rather not analyze it...)

Needless to say, it's time I get back into growed-up mode and get my priorities straightened out so I can at least tackle the important stuff.

Like Twilight fan fiction, for example.

I admit it - there were more than a few moments while I was reveling at SXSW that I wondered, "did Master of the Universe update?" or "what's going on with Bella and her hockey whore?" Seriously, I have no idea how many panty-combusting sexual exploits were posted while I was gone and I really need to know this, which is why I'm sitting in a filthy house, wearing inside-out-underwear and trying to speed read through about ten fan fiction stories. This is more difficult than it sounds, especially when you're dry humping a computer chair.

It was bad enough that I have my own lengthy list of twi-smut to plow through but the other day I stumbled across a new fic over at The Perv Pack's Smut Shack (fuck me, do I love that name) and, well, they had me at "Snarlward".

Uuhuhuhuhhhhuhhhhhhhh... "melting panties" is the understatement of the year...

Breaking Trinity gets right to the nitty-gritty-down-n-dirty and simply doesn't fuck around, though there certainly seems to be a lot of fucking. Edward is possessive and aggressive - there's always something so hot about these bad-ass Edwards that makes my lady bits go all-a-tingle. And this particular character is like RPattz meets Edward meets Billy Idol - all I can think about is that fuck-hawt sneer he used to do. Yum.

Sue me. I think this guy is pretty fucking hot. Plus he does that lip thing so you know he's good with his mouth...

I know most of you ladies probably have lists far sluttier than mine but I definitely suggest you tack this one on. It's worth it. If you're looking for lots of smexy-times, a Darkward and a good dose of angst, this is the story for you.

Just don't forget to put the tarp down when you read it. Trust me on that one...


  1. MOTU Just updated... and EP updated while I was away, and a few other stories I'm reading and Shoewhore yelled at me every time I suddenly got quiet because I had my crackberry out and that glazed look in my eye ;) I have to check out this Misapprehension of Bella Swan story! I'm just starting to read Tropic of Virgo ...I guess I'm late jumping on that boat.

    I am currently addicted to The Gentleman from Washington State (Senatorward and intern-Bella, no lemons...yet!), A Rough Start (Single Daddyward), Stranger Than Fiction (picture Bella as the writer of twilight based on her past relationship with Edward), The Family Business (Edward is a vamp hunter, Bella is bitten by James).

  2. ah, I love when you post ff. I was so happy to see EP updated again. I've never cried so much over reading something in my life.
    And to keep this comment pervy, I just want to shout this to the Twi-land.
    Tonight I was watching the extras again on the NM disk and realized they have a part where Rob is saying his lines "Bella, I don't want you to come" over and over again. .... "I don't want you to come.".... somehow, I thought of combustible panties while he repeated that line.
    carry on.

  3. "This is more difficult than it sounds, especially when you're dry humping a computer chair."

    lol this line killed me...and i can relate. i can't seem to remember to pay my rent on time and yet i know that hunterhunting updates every wednesday.

    sorry about the post-vacation blues...hopefully you had a little New Moon DVD action to cheer you up?

  4. So much fanfic - so little time. Mr CC and I are going on a wee vacay at the end of the month and there won't be much internet access. I'm gonna die. Especially when MoBS updates!

    As for the work emails, just do what I do when I come back - randomly delete one in ten. "Oh I didn't get that email!"

  5. I can't possibly add another fan fic to my list... I can't... wait... how did that get there??? YIKES!!



  6. Oh JJ - you crack me the fuck-Uhp!

    "you have 7490 message. Oh yeah? Go suck a dick" lmao.

    i am soo sorry i missed you & your posse at sxsw - i am just up the road in san antone. but i was on my own adventure at...disney world. umm that sounds too sweet for the likes of me, but i do luvs it there. no jugs of whiskey or boobie sunburn. and i was totes cock blocked from the hubs luvin by having my 10 yr old in the bunkbed next to my bed. :-(

    but i did manage to get some serious drinkin done at the tequila bar in epcot. :-)

    my hubs was kinda pissed that i took the laptop i could get MOU updates. gah. it was hard to limit myself to only one ff per nite.

    and no, i haven't done the laundry, dishes or groceries either. i haven't even unpacked my bags. you are not alone my friend.

    one of my favs...just mid way thru Edward Cullen, Dick for Hire. if you like lots of fuckery fuckity fuck-fuck, it's the ff for you. seriously. uber manhandleward.

  7. @catherine..."bella i don't want you to come"...ummm sounds suspiciously like something from The Training. ungh.

  8. I love the ff recs, but come on, there are 40 on my list! I don't think I can handle any more and still have a stable marriage. My fave at the moment is called Hide and Drink, by Savage. Instead of Edward going off to Alaska after he meets Bella, he goes to her house after school planning on killing her but realizes that if he only takes small amounts of her blood at a time it will keep replenishing and he can keep drinking. So he kidnaps her! Emotionaly messed up Darkward!!

  9. @L w/E - so luvs me darkward's hide & dwink.

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  11. Oh goody I was looking for a new fic to add to the list!
    So dry humping the computer chair, maybe we need to get you that sparkly peen to glue to the seat while your reading your ff....

  12. I have this one on my list. I'm hoping to get to it in the next ten years.

    @Team Six Pack--I live how within 10 seconds of meeting we were all "What are you reading?" "Whats on your list?" "Have you read [insert name]?" No wonder I can't talk to non Twi people anymore.

    I actually kept up with all the FF updates during SXSW. Insomnia rocks. I'll be dead before 50, but I'll be well versed in FF. Feel free to put that on my tombstone.

  13. PS--If you are not reading The Family Business by suzspetals, don't talk to me. That & The Misapprehension of Bella Swan pwn my ass right now.

  14. I'm so glad you all can appreciate what's fucking important in life. My FF addiction is bordering on outer limits...I'm never reading less than 10 fics and my TBR list is multiplying like a wet gremlin.

    Thanks for more crack you fucking pushers. No, seriously...thanks. ;)

    @TK You suck it!!!

    Off to grab my tarp...


  15. Correction: I guess I should have said "multiplying like a wet Mogwai."
    Everyone knows that.

  16. Look, in terms of Ramen Noodles vs. Inside Out Panties, I just have to say you are what you eat. I think that right there explains most of that. Also, my word verification is "saused." And this pleases me greatly. I can't actually read any fan fiction, so why the fuck am I posting on this thread? I don't know. I can't read it because I'm trying to finish mine and I don't want to get any more side tracked than I already am. That said, I snuck a peak at The Family Business by suzspetals, and that shit rocks. I finally know what MoTU and MoBS mean. Thanks.

  17. Hello, spelling and paragraph breaks. Nice to meet you. My name is Myg. It's 1:15am where I live and I should be fucking sleeping, but the god damned water company is drilling outside my fucking house. Okay?

  18. I love how we all have out priorities completely straight.

    Agree with everyone on The Family Business and MoBS, but you all also HAVE to read Call of Booty by Poptarrt & Stoney Call of Booty

    It's Gameward & Nymphella, the story is fantastic and the lemons are HOT! This is def owning me and a good many of my other fave ho's at the mo :o)

  19. Fucking whores. All of you. I can't even keep up with the dozen or so stories I'm reading right now. And now I have to add more??? Fuck me. I need to quit my job and read fanfic full fucking time! Can someone pay me for doing that?

  20. Oh ya, check this one out too. I rec'd it on my blog a while ago but I really love it!!

  21. Ha! I wish I could use a SXSW trip as an excuse for why I have an overflowing pile of laundry that needs done and dishes that need put in the dishwasher (oh wait the dishwasher needs to be emptied first doesn't it?)

    No my only excuse is reading & writing FF.

    I have so many stories I've fallen behind on and ones that I want to start and haven''s ridiculous.
    I want to take a few days off work to get some personal stuff done but I'm afraid to--because I'm afraid I'll end up sitting on my couch 90% of the time, reading FF and FF blogs and twitter and...

    *sigh* It's an addiction.

    *filing away the info about inside-out panties*...might need that tomorrow. :)

    Welcome back by the way! So jealous of your SXSW trip!

  22. So im sort of new (bout 5 months) to loving it. The dirtier the better.

    I do have a ? What is EP? It sounds like I NEED to read it.

    I just started MOTU and HELLO im loving it.

  23. EP is Emancipation Proclamation

    It's still on my to-do list, but seeing as I just opened the window to get you the link and Mr Stan is away for the night, I might just start it ;o)

  24. Thank you Stan!!!!!!!!! Boss is away today might just spend my 8 hours at work catching up on my FF.

  25. so, basically it's like edward crossed with spike from buffy?

    i'm wet just thinking about it.

  26. Breaking Trinity - added to the list.
    I fucking love Billy Idol, too. Mmmm...the prospect of Snarlward is really NSFW so I will try not to think about it for the next 7.5 hours. Fuck.

  27. *ahem* long time lurker, first time commenter. Just wanted to thank you all for more recs. My children are now officially fanfic orphans.

  28. JJ you've got me sad as I'm heading back on a plane tomorrow from a 2 wk vacation. RL is almost back and I'm scared. Sigh.
    On a brighter note thank you for the ff rec. There were some good updates while you were away but I'm always looking for a dark Edward.

  29. Join the club my kids have been orphans for about a year. One came out of the womb that way.

  30. These comments just turned into the pissing contest of "Oh yeah, well read THIS, bitch!" I fucking live for this hilarity. I was laughing so loud just going from comment to comment. Fanfic dick it. And thanks for the rec's. So here's one author you aren't reading as far as I can tell:

    samekraemer. I am clinically obsessed with Laws of Attraction. How there are 23 awesome chapters and only 370something reviews is BEYOND me. Started out as a practice AH fic, but then samekraemer decided she ROCKED at it and just started Georgia On My Mind, which again is awesome. It had me at Chapter Samekraemerstartedanewfic. She has also written one of my faves, Edward Letting Go. Hilarious and SMOKING HOT.

  31. Catching Spiders by lambcullen is pretty amazing. Has anyone read With Teeth, Burn and Shine, or Scotch,Gin,and the New Girl? All own my ass.

    And that's the new girl throwing her two cents in.

  32. LMAO JJ! My friend and I were just having a text argument about wether or not Bella is being to hard on Hockeyward- she says yes, I say no. I wont regale you with the long drawn out details of the debate.

  33. Every time I do one of these fan fic recs I end up adding at least 10 more stories to my list. It's fucking absurd.

    I used to think blogging was a full time job. Now I think keeping up with all the good fics that are out there is a full time job.

    P.S. - My house is still in shambles. EP updated, you say?

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  35. Holy shit! I laughed so hard reading all these comments now I have to go in the bathroom and adjust my tampon. (oh, that was probly tmi, huh?) excuse me for a moment...
    ...ok I'm back.

    I was broke in to ff HARD with "Let Your Light Shine" and now I'm currently owned by the sequel "A Life Extraordinary". These two were rec's by smartEpantz (thanks much you whore) But oooh fuck me, now i'm looking forward to getting into some of these others.

    My house will not be getting clean anytime soon.

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  37. *I wish there was an "edit much later" feature on blogger. I deleted my post b/c I had to change my assessment of the fakeE.

    Ok, first the waxjob - The hair is win, the body - total WIN, but the face - it's off..from the eyebrows down IS off- the shape of the jaw, mouth somewhere in there they totally strayed from the original masterpiece. I'm torn b/w wanting to grope the waxman and being slightly creeped out by him.

    I see that FF somehow took over the comments, and I'm always ready to pimp out my faves and find new faves!

    Here are some of mine:
    Weight of Words
    University of Edward Masen
    High Anxiety
    Company loves Misery
    Daniel Gale: Cumming to America
    Somwhere Between Crimson and Blue
    Love Amongst the Ruins
    With Teeth
    Hydraulic 5
    A rough Start
    Eye Contact
    Confessions of a Nanny
    Introduction to Swirl and Daisy
    Always & Never
    Strange Bedfellows
    Just Wait
    Breaking Trinity
    Eight Days A Week
    A Mzungu Oasis
    Laid Bare
    How to Save a Life
    & 15 Step

    There, those are the ones that are not complete that I'm always waiting for updates on! It's no wonder I can't get shit done and am behind on my studies! Some of them I just recently found and am even more obsessed, some take way way way too long to update, some make me physically sick from the angst, some are just pure fluff and I <3 them all!

  38. @anotherjenny. holy fucking shit. what did you cut & paste the damn browser off ff? LOL.

    so i'm lookin & lookin in this thread, and i don't see these beauties that really ought to be included...prolly cuz we've all finished em up? but hey, they should be noted too, non?

    open mic night by skeezon

    edward wallbanger by feathers_mmmm

    things that go bump in the night by mac

    the list by laura cullen

  39. @neverthink - I know..I have a problem..I don't deny it. :) I have a couple of your recs saved to read, I'll add the others. *sigh* who needs sleep?!


    yes, i so posted this on the other thread too!


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