I know I'm not the only one who often finds themselves laying in bed as their mind whirls willy-nilly over a barrage of random topics in the middle of the night. I'm sure most people lie awake at night worrying about the economy or terrorism or maybe even the state of the schools or something equally important.
The things that keep me up at night aren't exactly as...
But mostly I think about Twilight-y stuff.
It is my life now, after all.
And that's why I recently found myself wide awake at three in the morning, staring at the ghastly floral wallpaper in my bedroom which, thanks to Twilight and this blog, I will probably never ever get around to tearing down. And somehow this made me think of Breaking Dawn or, more specifically, what really happened after Breaking Dawn.
Now, this might have been covered in the actual book and there is always a possibility that I somehow overlooked this since I was pretty much consumed by an indignant rage the entire time I was reading it but seriously... what the fuck happens afterward?
Here's my basic summary of Breaking Dawn - Bella and Edward get married -- she and Jacob whine. She gets knocked up -- Edward and Jacob whine. She has the baby, dies, becomes a vampire and Jacob imprints on the stupid kid -- Bella whines. Then the Volturi start whining and show up with all this over-the-top Liberace-esque fanfare and there is the most useless non-fight EVER and everyone kind of stands around whining at each other. Then it's over and everything is all sparkly-this and lovey-dovey-that and poor Leah is left to whine all by her lonesome.
Yay! Life is so peachy keen, sparkly and perfect I don't even care I'm wearing this douchy get-up...
But here's the thing--they stay in Forks.
I do remember Charlie getting a little whiny himself at one point in this book when he thinks that Bella and the Cullens are going to take
There are some glaring issues with this--I'm going to skip the most obvious one, which is they don't age. What, are they going to pretend to be the younger siblings of the Cullens and re-enroll in high school? I know people are, in general, astonishingly stupid and oblivious but even the biggest space cadet will see right through that one.
No, no, no! Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie and Edward were our grandparents. We're Clasper, Falice, Gemmett, Bitchface and Edwort... sheesh.
But here are a few other "problems" I came up with while lying there, listening with a good deal of envy (and a bit of repressed rage) as ML snored blissfully next to me.
Isn’t everyone going to notice that Bella is suddenly all femme fatale and sparkly and shit? I mean, one minute she's all mousy, clumsy, and plain and then she marries Edward, disappears for a few months, and then reappears all drop dead gorgeous, agile as a ninja and, well, sparkly. I suppose they could blame it on love or a really good shag but I don't care who or what Edward is: no sex is THAT good. And I hardly think that they can attribute the sparkly-ness to motherhood either.
Or are they going to just lurk around in their fancy shmancy house until Renesmee grows up enough to knock boots with Jake?
You know what? I'm not even going there. All I know is if I was Jake or Renesmee and my old man could read my thoughts I'd be thinking la-la-la-la-la-la all the time or I'd move the fuck out of there. Especially when they start doing that thing that I don't want to think about. Could you imagine if Jacob stops by for a visit and he's thinking about the cock-rockin' night he had with Nessie the night before? While Edward is standing there?
Jacob - "Hey Bella, hey Edward, what's up? Nessie's at school so I just thought I'd stop by." Man, she was AWESOME last night. I can't believe she wanted to lick my--
Edward - [Runs over, rips Jake's head off and eats it]
Bye, bye Jacob.
Speaking of Jacob, if the vamps stick around town then that means that Jake and his wolf buddies will still change into wolves. While I'm sure they can keep the whole holy-shit-I-just-EXPLODED-into-a-giant-wolf-the-size-of-a-horse thing a secret for a little while, eventually they'll get careless and slip up. I mean, Sam might be a total goody-two-shoes but I can totally imagine Paul getting drunk at some local dive bar, turning into a wolf and ripping someone to shreds because the guy asked for a bar napkin or something.
But holy shit would that be an awesome party trick. The wolf-changing part, not the mutilating innocent bystanders part. Not that Jacob would need it since he's in love with a baby, even if she's growing up all super duper fast.
Which brings me to my next question - Renesmee's rapid aging. How is Charlie going to explain that one over the water cooler? I mean, I know little girls are getting their periods earlier and earlier but what the hell is he going to tell people when his granddaughter decides to get married at, like, seven years old. Oh hai, creepy.
I know, I know. It's a saga about vampires--if I can suspend reality when it comes to the main characters of the story, why don't I just shut up and let it go, right?
I could, I suppose. But then what on earth would I think about when I'm wide awake in the middle of the night?
P.S. I know there is some spastic-tainted vomitsqueezer out there who is going to think that I am legitimately concerned about these... scenarios. If that's you, email me. I have a bridge in Brooklyn I need to get off my hands.