Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Hold Up. What REALLY Happens After Breaking Dawn??

Here at Twitarded, I feel like sometimes Snarkier Than You and I play a little game called Good Blogger/Bad Blogger... guess which one I usually end up being??? In that vein, I'm following up her warm & fuzzy feeling-inducing "ode to the joys of young love" post with something I do best: ragging on Breaking Dawn. But we poke because we love... promise.

I know I'm not the only one who often finds themselves laying in bed as their mind whirls willy-nilly over a barrage of random topics in the middle of the night. I'm sure most people lie awake at night worrying about the economy or terrorism or maybe even the state of the schools or something equally important.

I wonder if Robert Pattinson's wang leans to the left or the right...

The things that keep me up at night aren't exactly as... important mundane as the deficit, however. The thoughts that cross my mind tend to be a little more, well, abstract, I guess. I tend to ponder the pros and cons of alien abduction, for example, or what course of action I would take to keep an irate Jackalope from eating my face off. Hey, you never know when you might come to face to face with a big-ass Jackalope --it's good to have a game plan.

I'm totally going to pull the Five Point Exploding Heart maneuver on this fucker...

But mostly I think about Twilight-y stuff.

It is my life now, after all.

And that's why I recently found myself wide awake at three in the morning, staring at the ghastly floral wallpaper in my bedroom which, thanks to Twilight and this blog, I will probably never ever get around to tearing down. And somehow this made me think of Breaking Dawn or, more specifically, what really happened after Breaking Dawn.

I want to break your face...

Now, this might have been covered in the actual book and there is always a possibility that I somehow overlooked this since I was pretty much consumed by an indignant rage the entire time I was reading it but seriously... what the fuck happens afterward?

Here's my basic summary of Breaking Dawn - Bella and Edward get married -- she and Jacob whine. She gets knocked up -- Edward and Jacob whine. She has the baby, dies, becomes a vampire and Jacob imprints on the stupid kid -- Bella whines. Then the Volturi start whining and show up with all this over-the-top Liberace-esque fanfare and there is the most useless non-fight EVER and everyone kind of stands around whining at each other. Then it's over and everything is all sparkly-this and lovey-dovey-that and poor Leah is left to whine all by her lonesome.

Yay! Life is so peachy keen, sparkly and perfect I don't even care I'm wearing this douchy get-up...

But here's the thing--they stay in Forks.

I do remember Charlie getting a little whiny himself at one point in this book when he thinks that Bella and the Cullens are going to take that freaky kid Nessie away from him so they kind of agree to stay.

There are some glaring issues with this--I'm going to skip the most obvious one, which is they don't age. What, are they going to pretend to be the younger siblings of the Cullens and re-enroll in high school? I know people are, in general, astonishingly stupid and oblivious but even the biggest space cadet will see right through that one.

No, no, no! Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie and Edward were our grandparents. We're Clasper, Falice, Gemmett, Bitchface and Edwort... sheesh.

But here are a few other "problems" I came up with while lying there, listening with a good deal of envy (and a bit of repressed rage) as ML snored blissfully next to me.

Isn’t everyone going to notice that Bella is suddenly all femme fatale and sparkly and shit? I mean, one minute she's all mousy, clumsy, and plain and then she marries Edward, disappears for a few months, and then reappears all drop dead gorgeous, agile as a ninja and, well, sparkly. I suppose they could blame it on love or a really good shag but I don't care who or what Edward is: no sex is THAT good. And I hardly think that they can attribute the sparkly-ness to motherhood either.

Or are they going to just lurk around in their fancy shmancy house until Renesmee grows up enough to knock boots with Jake?

You know what? I'm not even going there. All I know is if I was Jake or Renesmee and my old man could read my thoughts I'd be thinking la-la-la-la-la-la all the time or I'd move the fuck out of there. Especially when they start doing that thing that I don't want to think about. Could you imagine if Jacob stops by for a visit and he's thinking about the cock-rockin' night he had with Nessie the night before? While Edward is standing there?

Jacob - "Hey Bella, hey Edward, what's up? Nessie's at school so I just thought I'd stop by." Man, she was AWESOME last night. I can't believe she wanted to lick my--

Edward - [Runs over, rips Jake's head off and eats it]

Bye, bye Jacob.

Speaking of Jacob, if the vamps stick around town then that means that Jake and his wolf buddies will still change into wolves. While I'm sure they can keep the whole holy-shit-I-just-EXPLODED-into-a-giant-wolf-the-size-of-a-horse thing a secret for a little while, eventually they'll get careless and slip up. I mean, Sam might be a total goody-two-shoes but I can totally imagine Paul getting drunk at some local dive bar, turning into a wolf and ripping someone to shreds because the guy asked for a bar napkin or something.

Step AWAY from the bar nuts, mother fucker!!!

But holy shit would that be an awesome party trick. The wolf-changing part, not the mutilating innocent bystanders part. Not that Jacob would need it since he's in love with a baby, even if she's growing up all super duper fast.

Which brings me to my next question - Renesmee's rapid aging. How is Charlie going to explain that one over the water cooler? I mean, I know little girls are getting their periods earlier and earlier but what the hell is he going to tell people when his granddaughter decides to get married at, like, seven years old. Oh hai, creepy.

Any caption I could possibly put here would be so fucking wrong I even offended myself.

I know, I know. It's a saga about vampires--if I can suspend reality when it comes to the main characters of the story, why don't I just shut up and let it go, right?

I could, I suppose. But then what on earth would I think about when I'm wide awake in the middle of the night?

P.S. I know there is some spastic-tainted vomitsqueezer out there who is going to think that I am legitimately concerned about these... scenarios. If that's you, email me. I have a bridge in Brooklyn I need to get off my hands.

83 comments:

  1. I couldn't have said it better myself! That picture of Renesmee is so creepy... I wish you would've posted one of your captions (although it's hard to miss where that was headed).

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  2. Um hi... I'm going to have to disagree with you... I think that sex with Edward would be so good, it would make me not only sparkly, I'd be glowing like a neon fucking sign. Just sayin...

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  4. @LatchkeyWife - Jeebus Crispies, LKW. It's just a STORY. Don't look so much into it... :P

    I somehow knew you'd be the first to comment on that paragraph... damn, I'm better than Alice. Mwah!

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  5. Ok, the pic of the Cullens at the lunch table: It looks like Edward is staring at the other 2 couples and touching himself. Deleted scene possibly??

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  6. And wouldn't the wolves not age either? Wouldn't people in Forks notice that there's a whole bunch of LaPush kids that haven't aged in well, ages?

    And what about Nethual or Neanderthal or whatever the fuck South American half vampire/half human dude's name is? He's clearly got the the hots for Renesmee, think he'll come back and kick some wolf ass?

    Was the next Volturi team meeting awkward? Did Aro bring a snack for everyone to make up for his douchey-ness? Did his wife/partner yell at him the whole way home? Think he got a lot of air miles for flying all the guard and everyone from Italy?

    Sorry, I'll stop now.

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  7. LMFAO JJ - I must confess, I wake up at night and don't think about Twilight series as I have been ever corrupted by fanfic/twiporn. Now I think about Wallbanger and why he can't be baggin my walls keeping me awake rather than that last mocha!

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  9. I'm so glad someone else is up at 3am thinking about this shit. Amen.

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  11. @Latchkey - You stole my line! Of COURSE shagging Robward would transform a plain Jane into a fabulous rockin' sparkly babe.

    @JJ - LOL on Edward reading Jacob's mind - that one had not occurred to me! I think ole Steph ended the books before things got too complicated to 'splain anymore, but you raise excellent points. Many of which I'll ponder at 3 a.m. or so.

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  12. I guess i just assumed that they would all hole up in the house until charlie retires and then move to alaska and terrorize the palins.

    Although if i were jake and or renessmee (gosh i loathe even typing that name) i would walk around all day singing songs in my head.

    But they have to eventually move away so that the wolves will stop changing, so that it isn't creepy when all of their girlfriends keep aging and they don't. Cause god forbid there bee creepy relationships in this world.

    But i like that i'm not the only one that sits around thinking about this kind of stuff.

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  13. like sharon above, I'm up at 3am either thinking about FF or reading the shit! Tattward and Hockeyward have me wondering about all sorts of crap that I probably don't need to obsess about....like when am I going to randomly meet a hockey whore?mi

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  14. This is too fucking brilliant!

    I ALWAYS think about this "Breaking Dawn" shit. I think poor Stephanie Meyer got in way over her head with this stuff.


    DH: What's going on with the health care bill?

    Me: Don't know. Don't care.

    DH: The economy is really in the shitter.

    Me: Oh really? That's nice hun. Oh btw, I need money for my Forks trip.

    DH: You need to get a real job now. The kids are old enough.

    Me: What...huh? I wasn't listening. My story just updated. I'll be in the bathroom reading my iPhone.

    So...yeah... This shit keeps me up at night too.

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  15. Oh man. Love this post and the laughs I got from it. I hate when series end. I grieve. I've never been one to imagine how they continue, but I do read the books over and over. In fact I need to bust out Lord of the Rings. It's been too long.

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  16. oh and yeah...

    ...what the girl in the pink bed is thinking.

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  17. A Jackalope, JJ? LMFAO!!! There are so many holes in Breaking Dawn that it would sparkle if held up to light source. And yet they keep discussing making it into two movies. I can think of quite a few pages they could rip out and throw away in order to make it one long movie.

    @Living With Edward - Effing hilarious observation about the cafeteria pic!!

    Lisa

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  18. I agree with @17foreverLisa Too many holes in BD, they can condense and make one movie.

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  19. You know that Jackalope is an ugly little thing but for some odd reason I must have one now as a pet.

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  20. pmsl @ HypoVag - I almost started crying, I laughed so hard at your last comment re: SM blog. That shit is hilarious.

    JJ- you raise some valid points. This post was hilarious, and had me laughing from the word Jackalope. ;)

    I love the idea of Edward killing Jacob for thinking illicit thoughts about his freaky kid.

    Also: spastic-tainted vomitsqueezer? Awesome.

    w/v: shiesse. This post was the shiesse.

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  23. you are genius - that is all :)

    oh and I absolutely loved this!

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  24. Okay.. glad I'm not the only (weirdo) daydreaming about life after Breaking Dawn.
    JJ, so right.. How the hell are they going to explain not aging and explain RENASTY'S rapid growth???
    When she's older is she going to attend school with her mom and pop? (OMG imagine going to high school with your mom and dad?) Hhmm will they lie and introduce her as their cousin?
    Will Jacob ever come to his senses and realize that he should be with Leah? (God I hope so). Will Chris Hansen ever make a personal house call to Jacob's and Quill's home? Damn you Stephenie *raises fist* you left us with so many unanswered questions!!!

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  25. I wonder when exactly Jacob will start aging again?

    Then I imagine him dying. It doesn't really matter how. JJ's version of him dying at Edward's hands will do just fine.

    I like the possibiity of Renesme going to high school with Edward and Bella. "Ewww Mom and Dad did you guys just screw in the janitor's closet? It's all over school! Gross! How embarrasing! I'm calling grandpa!"

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  26. "I suppose they could blame it on love or a really good shag but I don't care who or what Edward is: no sex is THAT good." I would like to volunteer to be the guinea pig for this experiment...send Edward to San Diego ;)

    You crack me up...I just got the 'ol eye roll from the hubby cause I was laughing too loud!

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  27. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks of shit like Edward reading Jacobs mind. That would be shit funny! BD has more holes than a chunk of swiss cheese. I'm with you @HypoVag, just tack the start on the end of Eclipse & leave it at that.

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  28. @Hypoallergenic Vagina-- your avi seriously makes me cream my panties.

    @JJ-- LOVE it! freakin jackalope... HI-larious!:)

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  29. Charla, you avi is f*cking adorable!

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  30. LMAO thru this whole post. Falice and Bitchface...I think I hocked part of my lung out my nose. I'm with ya on the whole 'you can only suspend your disbelief so much' thing. But I think I'll have to side with LKW on the Edward-shagging making Bella sparkle ;D

    Glad I'm not the only freak who obsesses over this crap, like how long can they stay in Forks, will Jake and she-who-must-not-be-named go to high school over and over with the Cullens, can Edward somehow block Jake and SWMNBN's thoughts about shagging... The worst part is, I don't even like BD all that much, so why the fuck do I care?

    VW: exual...?! Really?! Hm.
    "Breaking Dawn was very exual. In other words, it was missing something that would have made it sexual, ie a sex scene."

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  31. Lord almighty JJ!

    "No, no, no! Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie and Edward were our grandparents. We're Clasper, Falice, Gemmett, Bitchface and Edwort... sheesh."

    I nearly shot my tampon out that made me laugh so hard.

    Sorry...that was gross and uncalled for.

    P.S. The wolves don't age either (well, very VERY slowly) Sorry if that extra thought keeps you awake tonight.

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  32. There are a lot better places than Forks to spend your time "passing" as human. Like most of the rest of the world.

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  33. Awesomematic post JJ!!

    you know what, this post should tell Mrs M that she NEEDS to write the next book. Hello ?? We cannot always just wonder what might happen. I mean there are so many open questions and she needs to answer them, really!

    Going further: What if they leave, because obvioulsy they have to at some point and this rather earlier than late, but what about Jake then? I mean he's imprinted on Mrs. Freaky so he cannot just stay behind - at least I got the concept like that. But can he leave his Wolfy Friends and Family behind to live with a bunch of Vampires????

    This all tell again. We.Need.A.New.Book!. Period!

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  34. hmm....food for thought. I'm not a FF fan, but I did read one that continued on after BD. They did move and re enroll in another hs... it's a pretty satisfying story. Though it started getting a little too mythical for me towards the end...the writer certainly does a good job of grasping each characters voice.

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4847870/1/An_Untitled_Continuation_of_the_Twilight_Saga

    There's the link if you or anyone else are interested.

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  35. All of that occurred to me but surprisingly i've been able to lalala myself out of it and just revel in the bliss of the perfect fairy tale ending. I'd never seen that renesmee pic before. It's actually quite beautiful. I love the fanfics that have been written addressing this whole post BD thing.

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  36. LMAO!
    It's been a while since I've read an entertaining post as this one.

    I luuuurve the lalala bit! Fucking genius.

    I always kept wondering what would they do when Renee came to visit. Sure, Charlie is all fine living in the dark, but Renee is your typical, want to know every single detail mother. I'm a 110% positive that she won't settle for never seeing Nessie or Bella again, either, so, they're kinda screwed.

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  37. "No, no, no! Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie and Edward were our grandparents. We're Clasper, Falice, Gemmett, Bitchface and Edwort... sheesh."

    This post was brilliant!

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  38. ok, I can't even quote what made me lol in this post cuz i might as well just copy and paste it in its entirety. I am truly one naive sap, because the only 2 things that disturbed me in BD are the utterly unsexy wedding dress (seriously, long sleeves and high collared?), and the child. Not the birth scene (loved that part. Do i need therapy?), not the fugly name, not the wolf/baby imprinting, but the bare fact that this perfect romance turned into a pregnancy (so unromantic, I was in mourning when I read that bella was pregnant-and I have a kid, so if that sounds callous, sue me!).
    Also, while it didn't really disturb me that much when if first read BD, the absence of steamy, hot, i'm all tingly now sex scenes really fazes me (but maybe it's because I've been spending all week reading EP and MoTU, and I'm drunk, and I so can't deal with all that (single, remember?)I actually had to start smoking again...
    Anyway, to continue on the what next vibe, I think basically they're just all waiting for Charlie to die before they can move to another place....

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  39. JJ-
    Can you just leave it at happily ever after????

    The part where Edward rips of Jacobs head and eats it had me laughing so hard I about coughed up a lung.

    I just figured they would move after a few years, and stay holed up fucking in their cute little cottage till then.

    I WOULD sparkle. I just know it.

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  40. Hilarious post. Just a thought...
    Doesn't Reneesme broadcast all of her thoughts to everyone. Imagine if she and Jake were getting some, then she would broadcast everything.....
    Yuck!!!

    BD should be 1 movie. How long could a wedding scene take? 10 minutes? They wont bother with planes trains and boats to get to Isle Esme. Honeymoon will be fade to black, 10 minutes. Short pregnancy, 20 minutes. Transformation - 10 minutes.....Bella as a new vampire arm wrestling and ripping her dress 10 minutes. That's an hour. Volturi non battle 20 minutes. Movie done in less than 2 hours.

    There will be 40 different versions of the DVD, plus 12 different versions of the 4 movie DVD set. Be prepared.

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  41. I almost just spit my coffee out all over my computer! LMFAO JJ, you are my hero <3 Thanks for fuckawesome start to my day!

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  42. ahz1-
    agreed, I do believe that 2 movies would be 2 much. Twitards, I am sure we shall have some healthy debate about this at a later date

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  45. You crack my shit up, JJ, and so do the rest of you bitches -- THANK YOU! I totally splurted my coffee at the image of Paul going after someone in the bar over the beer nuts -- classic!

    I too spend waaaay too much time thinking about alternate directions this story could have/should have taken. This is not helped in the least by all the fanfic I've been reading, especially about Jasper stepping in after Edtard leaves her after NM. Honestly, I don't know why SM doesn't just pick up and finish Midnight Sun and then write NM and Eclipse from Edward's perspective. I mean face it, we are total cash cows and we will buy any book about these characters that she manages to churn out. If she wants to live like a Cullen, she'd better keep writing.

    And completely off topic, does anyone else think this looks like a cock and balls, cause I sure do >3 What the hell is it supposed to mean anyway??

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  46. That's what happens when you write a really, really bad book. Your readers will never forgive you, plus they will get insomnia and bouts of rage and write real good posts like this one. Plus, they will pray daily that BD will never be made into a movie and even less two. The damage done with that book is irreversible. Unless SM decides to pick up the sorry thing and rewrite it from scratch. A girl can alway hope. I will never, never get over BD, that's one thing for sure. Sorry for those who loved the book...

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  47. Ya know, JJ, if you are really interested in changing (rockin') our world at 3:00 a.m., can't you work on your own FF??? WTF??

    So much for working on solutions to RL problems.

    Your post still has me laughing- thanks.

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  48. OME, laughed so hard at this post. Clearly you've given this a lot of thought! This could be one of my favorite posts (#1 is still RL vs Twi-life). You make me laugh!

    Now, onto the (hi-larious!) comments. I am going to have to step up and defend BD here. First of all, those of you who want it to be one movie - I bet you sat through "How to Be" and "The Haunted Airman," didn't you? Are you honestly telling me that you are cool with two hours LESS of Robward (and shirtless Taycob)?! That's what I thought.

    Secondly - everyone complains about the baby, but if B had changed without having one, then Edward really would have been taking something away from her. If you told me that I could never become a mother if I became a vampire - even if it meant marrying Edward - at best, it would be a gut-wrenching decision that I would always have some regret for, no matter which way I chose.

    Third - this might sound like I'm on a soapbox, but I've pretty much got one attached to my shoes 24/7 anyway, so sue me. SM gave me one of the biggest gifts of my life; you guys understand how wholly this thing changes you. Therefore, in my mind, SM can do no wrong. If she wants a hybrid baby and a non-battle, sure, I might have preferred "Carlie" and some ass-whooping, but I'll take whatever she's dishing out. Which is why I'll probably read that Bree Tanner book 100x. It's like crack and I'll take literally whatever she writes and love it.

    Last argument for as much BD as possible - I cannot wait to see Robert with a baby. Be still, my ovaries. A la, this picture: http://twicrackaddict.blogspot.com/2010/01/stephie-speaks-on-breaking-dawn-rumours.html

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  50. @My After Car Is an XKR - Great breakdown. I love hearing everyone's opinions. I was one of the ones that said I thought it should be just one movie, but not because I want less Robward. NEVER less Robward! I'm talking about less of the damn dog ;)

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  51. All valid points JJ. I guess I always thought they would just stay in Forks for a few years to placate Charlie, not let Nessie out of the house, and then move (with Jake) somewhere else. Because, remember none of the Wolves age either as long as they change...

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  52. Bwa ha ha ha Falice I just may have to change my screen name to that! JJ another ingious post!

    @ahz1 well said!

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  53. Um...I had to turn my keyboard over and shake out the milk because I spit out my cereal at the fucking computer when I saw your Jakelope picture! I was not expecting that at all...

    I think about this shit all the time. You read a couple pages of Twilight to fall asleep? I imagine how far away Jake and Reblahblah have to live so Edward can't hear their thoughts while they're doing it. Ugh. I mean, if Jake doesn't go with them when they move, he'll start aging because there aren't any more vamps to spur the wolf shit.

    IDK...I just woke up this morning to an update from Blood & Lust and pouted when I realized that Awesomesauce76's BD in EPOV had come to a close. The bitch can write. Next to Lolashoes, it's the only BD fic I've been able to finish. So I lay in bed and think about what happens after this fic, or I just twiddle my thumbs waiting for This Hungry World to update.

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  54. HI-EFFIN-LARIOUS
    Paul & the bar nuts.. LOL
    Jacob thinking about a effinhawt night w/ Renesmee- ED rips head off. (OK- you know he would actually eat it- because Jacob stinks)

    Jalena: There is a FF that covers Renee finding out about the Cullens (Renesmee too)..

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  56. Yeah, Edward reading Jake and Nessie's minds a little later on...eeeewwww...and even if she physically matures fast, mentally and emotionally won't she still be a kid? Gross.

    And Falice cracks me up- from now on, that's what I'm calling her.

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  57. Bahahahahaha, the image of the entire Volturi guard heading back to Italy on a plane - amazing. Jane, can you pass the peanuts? DAMN IT, I JUST ASKED FOR THE PEANUTS!!!

    Also, it's awful enough that they have to go to high school for the rest of eternity, but high school WITH YOUR PARENTS?? Kill me now.

    shudder.

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  58. I just love reading this for the entertainment! I loved BD more than any other book because after B became a vamp, she quit whining. LOL!!! I love the opinions of others, though! You all just crack me up!

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  59. @CullenaryCurser - I totally think someone should write a fic about the Volturi's plane ride back to Italy. It would be hysterical.

    @LindsayRae - Milk AND cereal in the keyboard? I'm oddly proud of myself for that. And a little apologetic.

    I have to say that I'm glad a bunch of you also admitted to thinking about this shit. I was a little scared that I would post this and you would all think I was fucking nuts. Then again, you probably think that anyway.

    Watch out for Jackalopes, ladies. I understand they're quite vicious... ;)

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  60. Jeez! I'm late to every posting party. DITTO! DI-TOH! I think Stephanie said *insert my nor'eastern accent* "Fuck it! I'm done with these bastuds." BD was lame on so many counts. It should have ended at pillow biting. Who the hell makes fried chicken on an desert-effing-island off of Brazil. Seriously. I have been once "marooned" on an island far off the coast of civilization and I can tell you the food choices were slim and did not include comfort food. AND where was the action? An epic battle could have been waged but instead..nothing. Ug. I lay awake at night thinking about that FAIL. Thank god Fanfic remedies these issues.

    Have all of you seen the seven minute Eclipse cut on the New moon dvd? I'm lame and have not seen it- yet.

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  61. JJ, this post is a perfect example of why I love you so much!! I swear you read my mind, create a whole new level of deep thought and raunchiness, and then sum it up hysterically in a brilliant manner. I loved this post and you've given me many new things to think about... I hope my head doesn't explode.

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  62. lmfao!great post!i thought about all these things before and even more!like what would happen if bella wanted to get a divorce etc. etc.
    i have an idea!i think we all paranoic girls should make a....sth like a site....(maybe in fb it'd be manageable)where we all have to add a single paragraph, and carry on with the story where the last person left it!and i think you should have the honour of starting that!what do u think?
    (apart from me being a total nutcase?!)
    x o x o
    great blog btw <3 it!

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  63. ahhh shit cramp! no really I laughed so hard I got a cramp in my side LOL Too funny- truly.

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  64. You know BD is bad when some fans are rooting for ONE movie. I’m one of them. Melissa is definitely going to have to pull more fight scenes out of her skinny ass to make it exciting.

    Falice and Bitchface… lolol.

    Yep, Jake should totally be with Leah. Why even develop that character so much and then leave her hanging?

    Love the image of the whole Volturi guard on a plane. I’ll admit that one has crossed my mind. I hope the Volturi have a private jet. And a private airport. And limos with tinted windows. Because if not, there’s no way in hell they can go anywhere with their crazy robes and crazy red eyes and not be noticed.

    But ultimately I assumed what @FreakyBella said… they stick around for a year or two and stay low-key, then move (with Jacob and Charlie and possibly Sam and Leah), possibly to AK? Or go live on a yacht with Charlie and Renesme like Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates.

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  65. Er, since we're going down this road... So I read this post and googled "Breaking Dawn" just for fun and something came up. Um, this picture came up. http://www.fanpop.com/spots/breaking-dawn/images/7147896/title/breaking-dawn Oh, f**k! Whoever made this fucking picture(haha) is a freaking genius. Seriously! Maybe I should go to Stockholm and make sure this person will be awarded with the Nobel-prize in medicin or something. This is the cure for every illness. Peace...

    PS. I should probably throw in a warning...WARNING! There... Haha, I'm so lame.

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  66. hey great post btw, even if i'm late. never really think about wot happens after BD, cuz it really was lame. i just skip on to midnite sun...yum.

    so can i just make a comment 'bout this - it's keepin ME the fuck awake at 3am...

    motherfucking caneward...GAH.

    http://belamifilm.com/2010/03/31/oh-my-georges-more-new-pictures-of-robert-pattinson-and-kristen-scott-thomas/budapestbelamiset17/

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  68. um ....about that bridge?????? LMFAO!!!!! i can ALWAYS count on you guys to turn what has been a fucktastic shit day into an entertaining laugh filled night!!!!! glad im not the only one that has many questions about theese books!!!!!! also glad to know im not the only one up at 3 am trying to figure this shit out!!!!!! LUV U GUYS!!!!!!

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  69. @hypovag - WTF. you've had that pic for 6 fucking hours and you only just now told me bout it? bitch, please! quit holdin' out on me!

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  70. JJ - Girl, you fucking slay me with that latenight deep thoughts shit. And gah, the new names of the Cullens?
    "No, no, no! Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie and Edward were our grandparents. We're Clasper, Falice, Gemmett, Bitchface and Edwort." God, I peed a little when I read that and laughed so hard I snotted my laptop screen a little.
    Oops.
    Much love and many fucking funny returns!

    Love, Laura

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  71. @ Hypo V

    Gah Daymmmm! That pic is delish.. definitely will be saved on my comp
    The gloves, the cane, the close up crotch shot lol ... oh my

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  72. "We're Clasper, Falice, Gemmett, Bitchface and Edwort... sheesh."

    Seriously JJ, if my keyboard dies from all the wine being spit on it, you owe me. And don't tell me to stop drinking my wine while reading your blog. It is one of my greatest pleasures.

    These thoughts ran through my head for a while, then I almost went literally fucking crazy, or crazier, and decided not to think about things so hard.

    Today driving down the road I saw this bumper sticker:

    "What if I am not the hero? What if I am the bad guy?"

    I was so excited you would have thought I saw RPatz sparkly peen.

    I wanted to run her off the road and kiss her since I don't have any friends as addicted to Twilight.

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  73. OMFG the Paul ripping some guy into shreds at a bar thing did me in!!!!

    Veriword- "mating" un-fucking-believable

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  74. PS_ I don't care what anyone says, I LIKE Renesmee, and the rest of you can bite it. SO there.

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  75. I could not stop laughing, and agree with you 100%

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  76. I have to say I am glad it isn't me thinking of all these things while I am trying to fall asleep. Oh my! All good points though. Man if I can't sleep tonite I am sending a Jackalope to your house!!

    LOL

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  77. Totally agree....When I reread the series I skip the second half of BD. The whole Jacob-loves-a-toddler is just too pedophile-ish for my taste. My 8th graders ask me about that element of the story all of the time. "Isn't that illegal or something?" Uh, yeahhhh!

    The ending of BD just too hunky-dory for me. Everyone is happy and frolics in the meadow, or some shit like that. WTH? It should've ended with Renese-whateverthehellhernameis and Jake having to run and hide from the Volturi, while Edward and Bella tore apart the three creepy Volturi brothers and took the throne as THE only powerful vampire clan. They would take over Volterra and....ugh, do you see what you started! Now I CAN'T GO TO BED BECAUSE I'M ATTEMPTING TO PLUG THE DAMN HOLES IN Breaking Dawn!!! ;) Great post. Lauged my ass off!

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  78. @CullenaryCurser - I totally think someone should write a fic about the Volturi's plane ride back to Italy. It would be hysterical.

    @LindsayRae - Milk AND cereal in the keyboard? I'm oddly proud of myself for that. And a little apologetic.

    I have to say that I'm glad a bunch of you also admitted to thinking about this shit. I was a little scared that I would post this and you would all think I was fucking nuts. Then again, you probably think that anyway.

    Watch out for Jackalopes, ladies. I understand they're quite vicious... ;)

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  79. OME, laughed so hard at this post. Clearly you've given this a lot of thought! This could be one of my favorite posts (#1 is still RL vs Twi-life). You make me laugh!

    Now, onto the (hi-larious!) comments. I am going to have to step up and defend BD here. First of all, those of you who want it to be one movie - I bet you sat through "How to Be" and "The Haunted Airman," didn't you? Are you honestly telling me that you are cool with two hours LESS of Robward (and shirtless Taycob)?! That's what I thought.

    Secondly - everyone complains about the baby, but if B had changed without having one, then Edward really would have been taking something away from her. If you told me that I could never become a mother if I became a vampire - even if it meant marrying Edward - at best, it would be a gut-wrenching decision that I would always have some regret for, no matter which way I chose.

    Third - this might sound like I'm on a soapbox, but I've pretty much got one attached to my shoes 24/7 anyway, so sue me. SM gave me one of the biggest gifts of my life; you guys understand how wholly this thing changes you. Therefore, in my mind, SM can do no wrong. If she wants a hybrid baby and a non-battle, sure, I might have preferred "Carlie" and some ass-whooping, but I'll take whatever she's dishing out. Which is why I'll probably read that Bree Tanner book 100x. It's like crack and I'll take literally whatever she writes and love it.

    Last argument for as much BD as possible - I cannot wait to see Robert with a baby. Be still, my ovaries. A la, this picture: http://twicrackaddict.blogspot.com/2010/01/stephie-speaks-on-breaking-dawn-rumours.html

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  80. Ya know, JJ, if you are really interested in changing (rockin') our world at 3:00 a.m., can't you work on your own FF??? WTF??

    So much for working on solutions to RL problems.

    Your post still has me laughing- thanks.

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  81. That's what happens when you write a really, really bad book. Your readers will never forgive you, plus they will get insomnia and bouts of rage and write real good posts like this one. Plus, they will pray daily that BD will never be made into a movie and even less two. The damage done with that book is irreversible. Unless SM decides to pick up the sorry thing and rewrite it from scratch. A girl can alway hope. I will never, never get over BD, that's one thing for sure. Sorry for those who loved the book...

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  82. Jeez! I'm late to every posting party. DITTO! DI-TOH! I think Stephanie said *insert my nor'eastern accent* "Fuck it! I'm done with these bastuds." BD was lame on so many counts. It should have ended at pillow biting. Who the hell makes fried chicken on an desert-effing-island off of Brazil. Seriously. I have been once "marooned" on an island far off the coast of civilization and I can tell you the food choices were slim and did not include comfort food. AND where was the action? An epic battle could have been waged but instead..nothing. Ug. I lay awake at night thinking about that FAIL. Thank god Fanfic remedies these issues.

    Have all of you seen the seven minute Eclipse cut on the New moon dvd? I'm lame and have not seen it- yet.

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  83. LMAO!
    It's been a while since I've read an entertaining post as this one.

    I luuuurve the lalala bit! Fucking genius.

    I always kept wondering what would they do when Renee came to visit. Sure, Charlie is all fine living in the dark, but Renee is your typical, want to know every single detail mother. I'm a 110% positive that she won't settle for never seeing Nessie or Bella again, either, so, they're kinda screwed.

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