What? Just kidding. I could never give it up but fuck me, New Moon can't get here fast enough. I just need something to take the pressure off of my Twi-critical eye. With each viewing, I seem to find something that honestly makes me want to stop at my local post office loaded for bear. Normally I can overlook things... but when you've seen a movie about a million times, it's hard sometimes. First it was the whole 'double pumping the clutch' shit. Boy did that burn my ass.
Now I'm starting to take issue with the Port Angeles rescue scene... in particular, those fucking pussies that call themselves fearsome bad-asses.
Let's start with the incredibly stupid move on Bella's part to walk down a dark, dank alley. Bitch, stay on the lighted streets for chrissakes! Who the fuck decides to take a scary shortcut in an unfamiliar town. Aaaaaaand then, ending up surrounded by Port Angeles riffraff... ruuuuuuuuun you twitchy twat, ruuuuuuuun!
Enter Bella's knight in shining Volvo... all tires squealing and engines revving. I'm pretty sure that if I'm a lowlife troublemaker, a fucking Volvo does not scream 'scary dude!' Maybe if he pulled up on an ear-splitting Harley, or in an old Dodge Charger, but a Volvo? Seriously? I ain't scared of anyone driving a car made in Sweden. (No offense to the Swedish, but you really don't make a mean looking car.)
If it wasn't the mean-ass Volvo that scared our resident roughnecks, then may it was the pasty, bouffant-topped, pea coat wearing kid who leaps from the car. For the record, authentic Navy pea coats are tough. Custom-made, gray pea coats with fancy little epaulettes are not. I don't care if he did give you a really mean look and growled a little (and could tear your head of in a nanosecond,) you have him outnumbered. Fucking OUTnumbered! Put down your six-pack and stand up for yourselves! These guys give townie thugs a bad name.
Now don't get me wrong, please... I am still unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Edward Cullen, but helloooo? Wardrobe? Give the kid a leather jacket and a kick ass hog for his rescue mission. Oh ya, and some shit kicking boots. Vampire or not, he just didn't look intimidating enough for me.
Thankfully New Moon is coming out this weekend. I need something new to focus my criticism on. Something new to watch over and over again, to make me drool on myself. I can already tell you what part I'll be rewinding and watching over and over again -- that hot ass strut across the school parking lot for one. And maybe even the moany make out scene too. I know you twats are warming up the pause buttons on the remote for something! Gimme the details in the comments!
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