Friday, July 30, 2010

The Bloggess Owes Me $12. Or I Owe The Bloggess $30,000. One of Those.

Those of you who follow along closely here at Twitarded might know that I have a huge girl-crush on The Bloggess. She actually agreed to marry Jenny Jerkface and me.

Blogger Jenny, the Bloggess said...

I so love you. And I accept. I'll be the one not wearing white.

I forget if she was going to perform the ceremony or actually enter into wedlock with us - it's all a little fuzzy. But I’m secretly hoping that she comes to Forks with us even thought I know the two of us would end up hiding in a linen closet at the motel drinking Franzia out of a box if she did. Anyway, I [heart] her all the more because she cannot hide her love for Twilight.

Jenny "The Bloggess" Cullen.

Anyway, when I was checking out at the grocery store the other day and gazing in the general direction of the New Jersey Lottery scratch-off ticket dispenser-box-thingy when I noticed something... And it set off my Bloggess-equivalent of Twidar, which I have no clue what to call but believe you me, it exists. Clearly.

See? See it?? Third from the bottom on the right?!? (Squint hard.)

OK stop squinting. THERE!!! RIGHT THERE!!!

And I said holy fucking crap, the Bloggess has her own NJ Lottery scratch-off ticket!! And then I realized that it was actually Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Dressed up like the Bloggess. So of course I HAD to have it! Because I'll be at BlogHer next week and she'll be at BlogHer next week and this will allow me to up my game and rise above the thousands of other people who will be merely stalking her. I'll be stalking her with purpose (plus I will probably be hyperventilating in the ladies room too and hoping to get a pull off of her wine bottle and call dibs on any Xanax that she drops).

You're not in Texas anymore. Apparently.

See?! OK just add braids lipstick and stuff...*

Kinda JUST like this. Sort of...

But with lipstick. And I know Jenny likes lipstick.

See it?! (oh and DO go read "The Bloggess Does Japan" - really)

Anyway, I HAD to have this scratcher. HAD TO. So I stop hopping up and down in excitement long enough to dig out two singles, I stuff them into the machine, and hit the button. And THIS pops out:

WTF? You don't look like The Bloggess AT ALL. You look like Jughead in drag.

Not to be thwarted but out of singles, I pop a fiver into the machine (which doesn't give change, btw). Hit the button again. And get THIS:

OhhhKaaay... I can see where this is going...

Fine; I get it: they have the whole Wizard of Oz crew... But certainly I'll get Dorothy next, right?

Ooooor not.

So I only have a dollar credit left but figure I'm kind of committed at this point. Either I walk away with a random smattering of scratchers that mean nothing, or I go all in. In goes the next five dollar bill... and out comes:

Not The Bloggess. Jesus mother fucking hampster fucker!

Fine, fine. But I still have credit left and the next one HAS to be The Bloggess. I mean Dorothy. I'm out of characters here, right??

REALLY?! The Wicked Witch of the West gets a ticket?! And are those supposed to be flying monkeys on the left??? Oh FINE. And inexplicably, JJ has called dibs on this ticket. I think she feels some sort of kindred spirit thing going on here...

And then FINALLY, I hit pay dirt. Although really, what was I going to get next if not Dorothy? Toto? Auntie Em? Fine, Toto would have been cool but I was running out of funds at this point.

WOO!!! Definitely a winner. I can feel it! If she wins, I call halfsies.

So twelve dollars later, I am the impossibly proud owner of one lottery ticket that sort of looks like The Bloggess. If she wins, it might help pay for that possible-black-mold problem she had at her new house (mold remediation is expensive. y'all.). Which is apparently in some beautiful but remote location and she has bigger problems than not-black-mold, although I understand she needs a safe haven from all the scorpions and coyotes especially since she might not have James Garfield to protect her.

Special P.S. to The Bloggess if she makes her way here: now we know why this mock-up didn't quite work: you are Judy Garland, not Marlene Dietrich. And if I had her photo-editing skills, I would prove it. But I don't, so use your imagination.

How can my neck even hold up this ginormous bobblehead???

Judy the Bloggess says Nobody looks good with eyebrows that thin...

*all pics of The Bloggess from Natch.

P.P.S. Our address is in the sidebar if you want to sent out the restraining order before BlogHer. If it's not here by Thursday, game on!


  1. Dude. I really thought that was me for a second. Then I thought I was just drunk. Turns out it was just the last one.

    See you next week!

  2. I applaude you tenacity... The bloggess may want to reconsider that restraining order!

  3. Oh God, you sounded like my mother trying to get the one special scratch off ticket out of the machine. I applaud that you didn't give up and that you are now out $12. I hope you won something on one of those tickets. The Bloggess is awesome and I can't wait to hear the tales of your meeting next week!! Have fun.

  4. @Jenny the Bloggess - I'll have this scratcher on my person at all times at BlogHer, just in case. It's not stalking if I have a present for you, right? Right??? I'm totally harmless, I swear. Ok, almost usually pretty harmless most of the time. As long as Robert Pattinson is not your date for BlogHer, you should be ok.

    v/w = "urapin" - I can't decide if this is some redneck way of saying I am very European or if I'm a peen.

  5. STY---my face is on he $2000 a week Win For Life scratch-offs...just incase you wanted to know. ;-)

    I love you and your blog, Bloggess!!!

  6. @STY - you're weird (and I mean that in a good way)

  7. @Mrs P - Like I need an excuse to waste more money on scratch-off tickets - lol!

    @mmMoxie - yup. It's true. I am a tad odd. I think even JJ called me a total freak when she read this. and then she told me that's why she loves me. : )

    @red bella - well she has a week but hopefully she'll be too busy to get around to it. and have it served - lol.

    @dangrdafne - blogher is gonna be awesome! too bad we have absolutely no freaking clue what we're doing there! lookis like we'll be winging it! and i haven't scratched those tickets yet but how cool would it be if i won something?! totally appropriate.

  8. I seriously thought STY was bat-shit when she was telling me about this but then I saw the pictures and even I have to say that there are some uncanny similarities between Dorothy and The Bloggess.

    And STY's still weird.

  9. Wow. You're as wonderful as The Blogess. I think. Right now I love you nearly as much as I love her. Are you the same person?

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  11. I'm a big, strong man. I even know lots of karate. But I'm afraid to go to Blogher.

    Sorry I screwed up my last comment.


  12. @Fred Miller - We're from Jersey. Nothing scares us.

    Well, except public speaking, pooping in public bathrooms and... pretty much everything to actually do with other people. Huh, I need to rethink my original statement.

    Thanks for the comment!! We don't get too many Twig n' Berries commenting around here.

  13. @STY - I'm insanely jealous you have Wizard of Oz scratch tickets in New Jersey! I'd be collectin' those.

    Out here in the great WA we only have a bunch of lame-o tickets - I know, I checked out the whole list at the lottery web site. Who knew there were so many?

    My favorite was the Latte one -scratch off coffee cups! What else would you expect from coffeeland central?

  14. Franzia out of a box? In or out of the closet, you two can do better than that! I'll treat.

    Thank you for helping to balance the completely-fucked-up New York State budget by purchasing all those useless scratch-off tickets.

    I'm so old, I remember BEFORE the lottery existed. They told us us that we would have NO school taxes if the lottery were allowed.

    Hilarious posts from all of you. xx

  15. Just noticed that the lottery tickets are New Jersey, not New York. Sigh. Can't even blame the Franzia in a box, I am drinking ice tea.

    Its 9:38 EST. Where the $#*& is the OSB update *she types grumpily*

  16. Y'know, I never would have thought that, at this point in my life, bat-shit-crazy would become a standard and frequent part of my vocabulary.
    And I'm really enjoying it!

    Love you guys to bits!
    (and also keep checking in all day every day for OSB )

    And... is there an easier way to find all of the chapters to Going Down?


    w/v= "ovittogi" - what just the site of Rob does to your ovaries?!

  17. ROFLMAO!!! That was funny as all hell! I had to restrain myself in front of my husband who was sitting nearby. Each time you edited her picture to look more like Dorothy, I was just dying! Well done STY!! And have fun on Thursday.

  18. I sure hope that you end up winning something after all your effort!

  19. This is a very good example of how everything relates to Twilight in the 6 degrees of separation kind of way. It's a small, itty bitty world. Scratch tickets, brazilian waxes, nipple piercings, oh the things SM unwittingly catalyzed.

    Now I must go to the next OB chapter.


  20. I can kinda see it. Either way she made a long statement(which is different than a post, I guess) about it at thebloggess!

    Have fun at BlogHer! Pictures please!

  21. But am I the only one that noticed that the ticket BELOW 'thebloggess'' looks like ...

    ...... do you see it?? LOOK!!!

    ...... The Prehtay has HIS own ticket, too!!!! And it's GOLDEN, I tell you!!! (OK, notsomuch, but it's pretty fucking cool at least)

  22. .... OR ..... 2nd from the top; far left.

    "I'm. SO. Skeered."


    w/v: gonal. nuff said, GONAD.


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