Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Viewing Eclipse with Twi... Dis-likers

[It's not totally spoiler free -- just to be on the safe side.]

I have to say that I'm very lucky my family has wholeheartedly supported all my Twilighty endeavors throughout the past year or so, even if they think I'm fucking bat-shit crazy.

I suppose the Mommy and Daddy (not a)Jerkface are just happy I'm obsessed with a teen saga about sparkly vampires and not something much more terrible, like, say, killing puppies or shitting in public places.

Wait, what? This is wrong?

So, yeah, I guess they're thanking their lucky stars.

Be that as it may, my parents now walk through my house without blinking an eye at my growing ahhhmay of Full Size Edwards, and the blog is usually discussed at nearly every family function (well, as long as no "outsiders" are around) with only a small amount of mortification and chagrin (not from me, anyway).

Holiday dinner with my family, I shit you not. And that's what their faces really look like...

My folks may not understand "it" but they accept "it".

And that is how I found myself sitting in a movie theater between Mommy (not a)Jerkface and ML, on a boiling hot Monday afternoon, getting ready to watch Eclipse. Even Daddy (not a)Jerkface joined, but I think that may have only been for the big gulp of Coca Cola and not necessarily the actual movie.

If you don't share your big gulp of Coke, I will release my wig to eat your face!!!

It was their virgin Eclipse viewing experience and me, being the total whore I am, was getting pretty cozy with the film for the third time.

It was, however, the first time I had to sit through, like, six hours of commercials.

What the fuck, AMC? I forked over $10.50 to see Eclipse and the next thing I know I'm watching shitty ass commercials on the big screen. I mean, really? Seriously, I could have done that at home, saved myself the ten bucks AND could have been totally naked.

Since I was with the 'rents, I tried to keep my kvetching to a minimum but after fifteen minutes and an Axe commercial, my rage-O-meter hit the red and I finally informed M(na)J that I was going to "stab my fucking eyeballs out if they played another commercial".

Oh, wait ladies, hold up. Let's see if she really does it. Oops, sorry Jasper. I forget you're not a laaaaady...

She agreed. ML looked like he was napping, or maybe trying to figure out how to sneak into another theater to see... well, anything else. D(na)J was drinking his soda.

Finally, finally the lights dimmed and I sat up a little straighter and gave my Mom a big grin because SQUEEE!! they were finally (did I mention finally?) going to play the fucking movie.

Except they didn't. The screen remained blank and silent. Two minutes went by before ML leaned over and whispered "This is better than the first Twilight movie.".

But that's only because he never saw New Moon. I refused to share my SweeTarts with him after that comment.

Only thing better than this is Haribo Gummy Bears. Or RPattz in my bed...

Anyway, after a few tense moments the lights flickered on the screen and we were subjected to a few more commercials (I almost lost my shit) and then Eclipse started and the first character shows up on the screen...

And so it began.

If there was ever any doubt in anyone's mind that I was not the product of my parents, all they needed to do was sit behind us in that theater, which was thankfully nearly empty because there was a ton of eye-rolling, snickering, hissing whispered snarky comments and deep dramatic sighs coming from our row.

Bella: Hey, Jake, why are you wearing a shirt?
Jacob: Because Jenny was making fun of my baby nipples and I feel sad and insecure now...
Bella: Pussy. You should hear what Mommy (not a)Jerkface says about me. Nut up, bitch.

And that didn't even count me and ML.

If you've been reading the blog for awhile you'll know that M(na)J has a love/hate relationship with the saga. Except that she mostly hates it, mainly Bella. I'm pretty sure that Mommy (not a)Jerkface was rooting for Victoria (well, anyone, actually) to just kill Bella, or at least put her on some Prozac or something. I'm also quite certain she thought the acting sucked, since she mentioned it more than once.

Daddy (not a)Jerkface just wished they would "do it" already so Bella would stop talking about it and maybe cheer up a bit. At least, that's what I think he said. I chose not to think too closely on that one.

ML thought the whole shit was stupid.

However, being the good Moo that she is, Mommy (not a)Jerkface sent me an email later that night, giving me the run-down of her thoughts:
To: Jenny Jerkface
From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface
Subject - The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Will it Ever End????)

Hi Jenny,

Dad and I had a fun day at the movies with you and ML (aka your ride to the movies -- you owe him big time). You asked me what I thought was the best part of the movie . . . well . . . in my opinion it was the comfy seats and the air conditioning. My favorite scene was the hunka-licious guy in the hot tub. . . no wait a minute . . . that was the Old Spice commercial. Dad’s favorite part was the end. . . of the movie.
I should point out that by "end of the movie" she doesn't mean Bella's speech about stumbling through life and blah blah blah. She meant the end credits.

I do have to admit that I did have a blast with all the reluctant Twitards. Maybe by their third viewing they'll be big fans, too. Because, like it or not, they will end up seeing it again.

Unless they disown me.


  1. I have nothing constructive to say about this post, just had to tell you that the hubby just said from downstairs "WHAT are you clucking about?!" (he meant my giggles coming from the bed while I read this post).


  2. I'm so glad they made it to the end at least...Mama P would have snuggled her chin into her chest and caught a few ZZzzZZzz. You had to see my eyebrows when i read that her favorite part was the hot tub...I was like "what? How did I miss the hot tub"...so yeah, M(na)J totally got me on that one.

  3. LMAO! My Mom isn't a Twitard. She liked the books and the movies but isn't obsessed. My Dad hasn't read the books, but has seen both Twi & New Moon, he now can't wait for Eclipse.

    However, I have many friends/acquaintances who think it's all shit. It's hard not to blow up on those people. I have a temper when it comes to Twilight.

    ;) J

  4. I officially love your mom. To have not only sat through all those damned commercials, the movie but to then give you a thoughtful summary. What a gal!!! SOOOOO obvious as to where you get your humor from.

  5. @Mrs.P - I admit I, too, was like "wait...hot tub?" at first

    @twired - agreed, I'm slowly trying to rein in my defensiveness about anything Twi-related

  6. I think my mom laughed the hardest (and squealed) over this Old Spice commercial that was, to be fair, fucking hysterical. I'll try to find a link to it.

    My folks were stoked to see the movie with me even though they knew they would probably hate it. We're busy folks and it's hard to see each other often. But we're definitely a very snarky group about... stuff.

    I'm okay with people hating Twilight. It is what it is, ya know?

    In fact, I think the main reason I love it these days is that its brought all of us closer. And I hear a lot of stories about how it's brought families closer too.

    Okay, my commute blew (4 hours + broken train+ 103 degree heat = killing time) and I'm punchy. Night!

  7. Okay, here it is. We just couldn't stop dying laughing over this commercial.


  8. God, very spooky JJ, your parents sound like mine! However, Forks to my Mum are still items you eat with.

    However, I'm more concerned with my Dad at the moment - he has started to e-mail me pics of the cast out and about. The most recent being the London premiere pics. I mean, how many retired men in their 70's do this?! Shit, it's on those e-mail days that I really question my sanity with this whole Saga.

    Oh well....


  9. Hey there. I was hoping there was a whole divergence from the book plot where Jasper got all the baby vamps to break out into show-tunes. No such luck.

  10. @twilight Widower -- OMG!!! YOU'RE ALIVE!!!

    Um, ML may or may not have been saying "Oh, it's the fucking Sharks and Jets. Again." every time the wolves and vamps got together.

    We missed you, dude.

  11. Your parents are far too awesome, well, except for the lack of love for any of it.
    OMG!! Nut Up?? I nearly choked reading that whole convo. I am still giggling to myself!

  12. OMG too funny! I especially love "Nut up, bitch" seriously ROFLMAO

    I love that your Mom wants Victoria (or anyone) to kill Bella and your Dad wants her to get laid so she'll STFU! LOL!!!

    PS: Old Spice commercials rock!

  13. I have no idea how you wrote this post after the monkey shit fight that was your day. It is pure awesome. You know I love your parents.

    @Cazza--How long has your father been a homosexual Twihard? Do you think your mother knows? Is he British too, or just Scottish. ;)

    @Blogger--If you eat this comment I hope you choke on it and die, you diseased nut sack.

  14. Ummm, I have only seen it once. But, I brought DH (who had to be high to come into the theatre) and the he proceeed to "woot" when Riley came on screen, and I said "that's not Edward" to shut him up. And then he giggled throughout most of it. And was apoplectically laughing during the leg hitch/proposal scene (so that I, of course, must see it again, having missed so much, natch).

    And, my dear Mom, who might actually think that my shit doesn't stink, she loves me that much, and I am that much the favorite... well, she hasn't seen the movies but she borrowed my books last fall. Well, that dear mother sort of talks to me like I'm a psych patient about the books, tying not to upset me too much. She's all, "well, sure it was enteraining (insert big dose of implied "BUT" here)..."

    So,the fact that it's a family outing in your world is a WIN for sure. But it is searingly, and hilariously entertainging to engage in a bit of Twiness with non-lovers.

  15. That is hilarious, I love those old spice commercials!

    It's so cool they agreed to go with you. Mr Twinatic would never go with me. Ever.

    Thankfully, my friends are at least indulgent, and some are quite smitten. I've even made and kept up with some friends we met in line for new moon.

    I also don't care if people don't like it, but, it does get to me a bit when Mr. Twinatic goes off about it, says it ruins his life, and blames it for america falling apart, this only bothers me because I put great effort into keeping it low key ... or when he picks on RPatts ... I lose my shit over that one ...

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  17. stupid blogger told me my comment posting had failed, so I posted it again, but, they lied and it doubled, so I took one down. That is all :)

  18. This was great and funny as usual but where is your Eclipse review???!!! I can't take it anymore I have to know your thoughts! You gave it a week so lets hear it! Love ya!

  19. I am sitting here trying not to snark too loudly although my hubby has pretty much learned to not even bother asking. Any who... very funny... especially the made up Jake/Bella dialogue. I went with my mom too, but she's a total twi-hard, although she's a book fan not a movie fan, but we both loved this movie!

  20. I have yet to see the film. But all this will change on Sunday! I'm dragging my husband with me because he gets to drive the 2 hours to the movie theater instead of me!
    My husband hates all things Twilight. It's a forbidden word in my house, which is why I hang out here, lurking in the shadows. :)

    I'm re-thinking my plan, because I've just realized I will be trapped in the car for 2 hours on the way home with someone who will totally pick apart the movie and ruin any enjoyment I may have had. *gah* I can totally pick apart the series with the best of them and laugh at it's faults.
    But I want to bask in the glow of my first viewing of Eclipse. Can't I even have that?

  21. I know I talked about the books and movies so much that my mother(who only reads cookbooks) went and bought the books and read then all. She really liked them.My father knows about my crazy obsession and collection but he hasn't read the books and I don't know if he's seen any of the movies.
    I guess I'm pretty lucky because my S/O has gone to all of the midnight showings for the 3 movies with me,not only that but he saw Twilight with me 3 times,New Moon 3 of the 4 times I went and we just saw Eclipse for the 3rd time tonight..and.he.has.never. complained.about.them.once.
    I think I'll keep him :P

  22. It's adorable how your parents want to support you in your twitardedness! My mom and sisters are now fans, too after I made them read the books. They all bagged on the series after the first movie, but became nutty after they finally READ THE BOOKS. I hear more smack about the books than I do the movies, and I also seem to have a temper about them. Any person who reads a lot can see that Stephenie Meyer isn't a literary genius when it comes to her writing style or skills. I just can't stand how some people are just plain MEAN when they know you are a Twi-fan! WTF? If I hate something, I certainly don't spend so much time and energy bagging on it as Twi-haters do. Some have made a full time career out of it! Simply read any of the comments on the Entertainment Weekly website when they have a story about anything Twilight, RPatz, or Kristen Stewart related! Odd! As for your hubby not liking it, I would be worried if mine DID like Twilight. It would almost be as worrisome if I started talking Fantasy Football (gay ass shit) trades with him and his buddies. Uh, no thank you, and no, I won't be having a Madden tourney on the Play Station 3 anytime soon, either. I'll just go lock myself in my bedroom and watch Twilight and New Moon, thank you very much!

  23. Dear Jenny,

    I love you and your family. That is all.


  24. So I totally have to agree with your mother on the bad acting. I mean the PRECIOUS does great, but the supposed tension between Jake and Bella was so not believable. With that being said I can't wait to go see the movie again.

  25. I think it's fabulous that your husband and family are willing to share in your obsession. Mr. NotSmitten has reached his limit with all things Twi-related, and it frustrates me to no end when I want to just talk about Twilight.

    Last night I learned that the 4th Eclipse viewing is when I get all giddy and ridiculous. OK, more giddy an ridiculous. It's also when I start noticing details. I giggled over the tininess of Jacob's nipples until I was crying!

    That Old Spice commercial is hilarious. My favorite is the one that ends with "I'm on a horse"

  26. I just went for my third viewing with my sister and she said at the end of the movie "it was okayyy..I dont even remember the other movies." I had to deal with her and then 4 women in front of me snapping on their snow caps AND not knowing a thing about anything Twilight. The one woman had to keep "whispering" 'thats his father','thats his sister' 'oh ya let me tell you about this whole victoria scandal' 'wow kristen stewart is beautiful' and then the final straw...was the woman screaming when they turned into wolves AND victorias head ripping off. Word to the wise: If you dont know Twilight don't go see the movies, or atleast stay outta my theater :)

    Jenny I totally relate to you being all excited sharing your passion with family, and then at the end they just brush it off like its nothing!

  27. I gotta say I'm a little disappointed in Mommy (na) Jerkface's short response. Her last one was fucking hysterical (I learned where you got your sense of humor JJ). Tell her the Twitards demand more.

    Also, @ Twilight Widower - WELCOME back! Does this mean you are going to start your fuckawesome blog again? (@JJ - am I thinking of the right person? I hope?)

    Great post. Made me snort (out loud) at work again - so inappropriate in a mental health setting.

  28. I love that your M(na)J and D(na)J would go to Eclipse. My dad wounldn't, well he's 83 and has no clue about twilight and would probably think I've totally lost it. Which well I have to some degree!

    Although Hubs did sit through the triple feature with me with no complaints. Even fed me twizzlers during the breaks while I was tweeting.

  29. My 81 yr old father (who lives w/ us) think's I'm bat shit crazy but he's too much of a gentleman to admit it. Even my 7 yr old dd thinks Mom is crazy and doesn't tell her friend about Mommy's 'twilight problem'.
    Can't get dd to go w/ me to Eclipse and my Dad would rather not enable his child.
    Gotta say, I shot coffee out of my nose when Bella caption said both 'baby nipples' and 'nut up bitch'! Bahaha!
    You rock JJ. Stay cool in NYC. If I could, I would send Edward over to blow some cool air on your ... (fill in the blank)

  30. JJ, I love your family! If you were a TV show, I'd watch.

  31. I loved your parent's reactions and I have to say, I agree with the Prozac, cheering on Victoria and the just do it already! They are super cool for going with you, something that would never ever happen at Casa PR!

  32. "If you don't share your big gulp of Coke, I will release my wig to eat your face!!!"

    Holy hell, I just snorted louder than I have ever snorted before. It kinda hurt.

    I tried to get my mom on the Twilight crazy train, but had no luck. She tried reading the first book but gave up pretty quickly. But she does let me know when she hears news related to the Precious and the series so for that, I am thankful.

    I've only seen the movie once so far, our next outing is scheduled for next week and after that I will go again by myself (and my flask). Three viewings ought to do me (hee hee, do me) but time will tell if I'll need a fourth. And then the impatient waiting for the dvd release will begin. Crap, I hate that part. When I know it's no longer in theatres but not available to buy yet, is there anything more annoying? I think not.

    I just ate a chocolate covered cranberry that was in the perfect shape of a heart. I don't know why I felt the need to share that, but I did.

  33. My ex-husband saw the movie and was telling me about it (he did enjoy it) and I found that I had to keep correcting him on some of the finer points of the plot and some of the backstory......who am I kidding??!! I went into a whole dissertation of the damn saga. And I swear....every time I hear someone say werewolves I want to scream "they are fucking shape shifters you idjit!"

    wv: betta - as in "if you are going to discuss the saga you betta get it right!"

  34. LOL, your family needs a reality show for Twilight related activities.

    AMC doesn't just suck because of commercials. They made us wait 45 minutes before Eclipse showed last Tuesday night, having already sat through Twilight and New Moon. Our midnite showing turned into a 12:45am start time.

  35. 'ShroomRavioliJuly 7, 2010 at 4:27 PM

    Your family is hysterical! I hope you include some of their comments into your Eclipse review...which segues nicely into Where Is Your Eclipse Review?!! It's been a week...anyone who reads Twitarded who hasn't seen Eclipse yet is either in a country where it hasn't been released or....I can't think of an or...how could a Twitard not have seen it yet?!! Can't wait for the Twitard review! Maybe we can get a "Remember Me" Rob commentary review. Oh my, that boy is as devilishly funny as ever.

  36. Ahh Jenny - That's exactly the reason why I chose to see the movie again (today) solo. No one gets it. So I squeed with a bunch of other solo twitards that should have been a work.

  37. I promise, promise PROMISE that Eclipse reviews, snarkisms and criticisms (oh and the love fest, too) will be coming out. Like tomorrow. Definitely Friday.

    We should have a film crew film us while we're all in Forks or something. It could be like the Twitarded version of Real World.

  38. @Twilight widower - OMG!!!! Great to see you!! Your blog is (was? :( ) brilliant!!

    I've read this: "my parents now walk through my house without blinking an eye at my growing ahhhmay of Full Size Edwards" at least 5 times now and picture Peter and that godforsaken wig saying "ahhhmay" in my head every time. Funny as hell!!!

    WV: allitio - I don't think that's how you spell it. :)

  39. I need a tissue. Crying. Hard. Husband just walked in and proceeded to turn around and walk out muttering something about me, twitard and rehab...

    I LOVE your mom. You should start a MNaJJ blog with the shit she writes you.

  40. @Jayla - I learned my lesson after dragging the Hub to NM - NEVER again - I am seeing Eclipse ALONE very soon (sneaking out of work,shhh)

    @JJ, I havn't dragged my parents (each age 87 and my mom still cuts her own grass, WTF?) to a movie since "Fried Green Tomatoes". Dad is STILL in shock. Your post made me laugh so damn hard. Thanks, and send my love to your parents from another parent (my two teen age sons just roll their eyes at anything Twi-related. 15+ hours of labor for each kid, my vagina has NEVER been the same, and this is the shit I get!)


  41. I'm back logging because I have been on vacay for the past 10 days. I can't believe you got the whole fam out to see Eclipse. And they even paid for tickets? Wowza, mama. I had to go alone (no complaints), but I'm sure if I took The Bentist, he would have taken ML's route, but with more bullshit in my ear, and possibly a few post-sucked-on Swedish Fish in my hair.


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