Sunday, November 21, 2010

Reading Is Fundamental. Annnd So Are Other Things...

The other day, a few of you commented on my graduation party/nightclub post and wondered why the hell I read in the bathroom. To my surprise, there were quite a few of you who don't read on the shitter (you know who you are cough-Twired Jen-cough) and even thought it was weird.

You are all obviously aliens.

See? I'm not the only one!!! LMT.

Regardless of what planet you come from, this little mini-conversation got me thinking-- why do I read in the bathroom? Well, I've mulled it over and have come up with a few answers:

1) Taking a shit is fucking boring. Unless you're battling Montezuma's Revenge, which I imagine would make taking a crap a little more exotic, birthing a turd is a dull process. And, sometimes, it takes a while. So, rather than stare at the shower curtain (or read the back of a box of tampons), I grab a book or magazine to pass the time while I'm passing the poop.

Five more minutes, assholes. There's this really awesome... article I want to read. Er, and I have to take the Browns to the Super Bowl. Now, get the fuck out.

2) Multi-tasking is good! I mean, c'mon, what else are you going to do? Utilize your bathroom time more efficiently by reading. I sometimes like to bring the Thesaurus into the loo because then I can really focus on what I'm reading/researching (unless I've eaten too much fiber that day. Then I'm more focused on how uncomfortable I feel).

3) Shiny Penny moments are reduced dramatically. Let's face it, you don't have too many distractions when you're stuck on the porcelain throne, cooking a butt burrito. It's not like you can just hop up and go answer the door and there is no television, gaming device, computer, etc. in the bathroom to distract someone with a short attention span**. It's uninterrupted time. [Note from LKW: You don't take the laptop to the shitter? My iPad spends almost as much time on the toilet as I do.]

Wait, what were talking about before?

4) Privacy, dudes. ML seems to have some sort of sixth sense where he knows when I'm in the throes of some gut wrenching part of a novel and will pop up out of nowhere, scare the fucking bejeezus out of me, and want to know what I'm up to. Um, what the fuck does it look like I'm up to?

Well, unless he's Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he can't pop up out of anywhere if my ass if firmly planted on a toilet seat, hiding in the bathroom. And, like most guys***, he'd rather not think of his gentler half punching a grumpy on the toilet and he certainly wouldn't want to actually witness the devastation so he stays far away from the bathroom. And doesn't bother me. Win!

If I ever took a shit and it came out wearing a Santa Claus hat I would freak the fuck out. And probably never take acid again.

Level with me Twitards, what's your favorite toilet-time activity? Are you the dump and dash type? Or are you a lavatory lingerer like me? We're all friends here... you can tell me all about your private privy proceedings.

** If you have TV, a computer or something else in your bathroom, I'm in awe of your set up. Seriously. Also, you might have more poop issues than me. Just sayin'...

*** Okay, seriously, why do most guys feel the need to pretend that their girlfriends/wives/person with a vagina don't poop? I mean, I know dudes poop. Do I want to see it? Um, no. Not at all. But I still know they do it. So, how come guys get all weird about it?

44 comments:

  1. JJ, much like you I am definitely a reader on the toilet. I cherish my bathroom reading time for the reasons you mentioned especially being left alone and the no real distractions part.

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  3. Woah, my name...on TWITARDED, holy shit balls, I must have really pissed off that JJ ;)

    I just don't get it, does it take other people a longer time to poo than me...don't you normally just get that overwhelming feeling and go? Maybe I'm not in tune with my poo, maybe it's telling me it wants to come out and I ignore it until it's peakin' it's head out shouting "For christ sake woman, let me free!" Am I a poop hoarder?!

    Maybe if I just sat down for a while w/ a copy of Twilight, my poo would be come in time. Maybe I wouldn't have so many constipation issues?

    Hmm..I need to explore this further.

    xoxo J

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  4. When I buy a book and end up not being particularly fond of it, I leave it in the bathroom. That way, I only read it when I'm "baking a cake" ... It helps to pass the time.

    If reading and crapping weren't friends like peas and carrots or peanut butter and jelly, then people wouldn't be getting rich off of stupid trivia bathroom readers! :-)

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  5. Robert Pattinson doesn't poop. Sorry, this is the truth. And he always smells wonderful too, even though he smokes. End of discussion.

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  6. I'm a bathroom reader! I have IBS issues, so I spend enough time in there to justify reading. However, I won't leave a book in there, it grosses me out. I have to bring one each time, but it definitely makes the time more enjoyable!

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  7. I have to read too. Even if it's the back of a shampoo bottle.

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  8. I usually dump n dash, but take my phone just in case - in fact, I'm reading your post in the loo right now (appropriate or TMI?;)

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  9. I too, read.
    JJ consider yourself LUCKY to be in the bathroom alone. One of the bazillions of things my friends and family forgot to tell me is that when you have kids, you are NEVER alone in the bathroom.
    WTF is up with that? Do small humans know you are captive in there and therefore feel the need to corner you? I can't even lock the door because I took the locks off so the kidlets don't lock themselves in (read that shit somewhere).
    Anyway, I used to read. Now I yell. I don't take the Ipad but I do take the blackberry, which now I realize is kinda unsanitary. Off to sanitize my phone....

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  10. I run the gambit of pooping. I have all manner of poops. But I usually spend a fair amount of time in the bathroom because if I start a chapter, I hate to leave in the middle and it totally is a hiding place away from DH.

    Our bathroom door doesn't lock, so the dogs push their way in if we spend too much in there.

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  11. I'm now a dump and dasher. Taking a shit doesn't take any longer than a pee for me. That's the way it should be. See, I used to be a reader in the shitter until I went away to uni. Shared shitters really put an end to that.

    Now, reading in the shitter perplexes me. I can't believe I ever read on the crapper.

    Mr CC and I only had one toilet in our little one bedroom. He is an avid reader on the can. I swear he could spend hours in there. This did not work out quite so great for us. I'd end up doing the "I've got to pee dance" thinking he was working on something and really he was just doing some school work. Drove. Me. Nuts.

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  12. We have magazines in our bathroom and I have been known to take the laptop too. But when you have intestinal/bowel issues like we do you definitely need to have something to pass the time.

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  13. I can't believe a post about poo has turned me into a giggling 12 year old boy! My kids are yelling about my son losing a tooth and I'm too busy laughing at Mr. Attention Span than go and clean up a 7 year old with blood in his mouth. Meh, he can wait!

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  14. I cant read on the loo. I tried it once but I forgot to poop.
    I like the guys that pretend that girls dont poop.
    I still pretend that I dont poop. Even if that means holding on until everyone is asleep, out or in one end of the house, then I go to the laundry put on a load of washing and use that toilet. My reason for using it if anybody was to ask was it was closer. Not that they ever ask.

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  15. I just keep a Guinness Book of World Records and a few Ripley's Believe It or Not! books in the bathroom...I prefer short and sweet...I like to get my business done and move on.

    That said, my totally guilty pleasure is to tell my husband and kids that I'm going to WalMart or running other errands....then I'll go to WalMart, sit in my car in the parking lot, and READ! (for hours) With my family, sometimes it's the only peace I get!

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  16. Ah I love poo posts....

    Hmmm..... I gotta read, we have magazines and books in the shitter and I'll pass the time by reading.

    Hubs is well aware that I poop, I use to be a poo camel until I had my gall bladder out... Now sometimes I have no choice gotta go gotta go.... Luckily I can lock the bathroom door at work. I'll usually take my phone in at work for entertainment while I drop the kids off at the pool. Hubs jokes that I poop as much as him now, but there is no chance of that that man can poop five times a day.

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  17. Seriously???? I never knew there were people that DIDN'T read on the potty. I have a magazine rack in mine, we have a huge collection of The Bathroom Reader too. If you don't read in the potty, they are a excellent place to start.

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  18. I am a dump and dash kind of girl.
    Sometimes I will take my IPod touch in there if I have a few minutes to spare but usually I wait until I really have to go so that it won't take me very long.

    Oh and I have this thing I can only poop at home! We will go on vacation and I will hold it the whole week until we get home. I envy the poeple that can go at Target or at work.

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  19. Please, for the love of Jeebus, tell me you don't bring borrowed books (from friends, family or library) into the bathroom with you! I do realize you're not actually dipping the book in the toilet water or anything gross like that but I just can't get past the idea of people reading in the bathroom. I'm going to have to rethink my book lending habits.

    So the kids are reluctant to get into the pool? I don't know what I thought you guys were doing in there (I've been in avoidance mode on this issue) while reading but I had no idea you were waiting for everything to, er, work itself out. @LKW - iPad? In the bathroom? Really?

    Imma be thankful that I don't have to deal with all that. I've taken my GI system for granted it seems.

    I'm so torn. I still have questions but my mind is screaming at me not to ask. It might be best if some things remain a mystery to me.

    My friend's husband insists that women don't poop so every once in a while I'll just walk up to him and nonchalantly say, 'I think I gotta poop.' The horrified look on his face is priceless. When I asked him why he was like that I'm pretty sure his brain completely shut down.

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  20. @jj- You fuckin kill me..."butt burrito" lmao! Remind me to tell you my pooping for two story sometime, you'll die.

    @jenipher-you aren't the only one who reads while "running errands", I did this today while going to Costco.

    I am a dump and dash girl too. It just doesn't take me long to poop. Although there are times when I take my phone in with me and pretend it takes longer than it actually does to get some alone time.

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  21. Haha "Birthing a turd is a dull process" fucking killed me. Also TwiredJen's comment about being a poop hoarder. I died of laughter for reals.

    I poop like 15 times a day. But they each take me like 30 seconds. I have a book in the bathroom just in case I eat some bad sushi (lets face it, that stuff goes right in one end and out the other) but usually I only get to read 1 page before I'm done. Plus I'm a "poop hoarder" like Jen... I hold it until I REALLY need to get rid of it. I've never been one to drop a deuce for like an hour... it's like just push it out and get it over with. if not, pull up your pants and go visit the toilet later when it's ready to come out again. I would never just pee a little and then wait on the toilet for a long period of time until more pee was ready to come out. Although I should probably since I pee WAY more than any normal person should. I'm going to be in diapers by the time I'm 35.

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  22. I'm a bathroom reader. Sometimes it's the only time/place where I won't be interrupted.

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  23. Ohh man this is a great post! Add "butt burrito" to my vocab! lol

    I have Celiac Disease..... we are know for spendig time on the can. I read on said can, or if I think I'm going to be in there for a while I bring the laptop. Fan Fic chapters are perfect lengths for such occasions ;)

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  24. Mrs P...that was such a perfect comment. Had your avi not been there, I still would have known it was you. LMAO.

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  25. Yeah I'm a toilet reader. It runs in the family. The in-laws just don't understand it. My cousin once told me her hubby banged the door while she's in one of her sessions and shouting "WHAT ARE YOU READING IN THERE? WAR AND PEACE?!?" lol!

    I used to take my macbook with me but it's a bit of a hassle and I get more muscle cramps than usual, so I love LOVE my ipad. :)

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  26. I've gotta say, it's been really fun reading all these comments on my iPad while taking a shit! I think toilet reading is genetic. My dad spends more time reading in the shitter than any human should.

    And JJ, taking the Browns to the Super Bowl? Best 'taking a shit' line ever! That will forever be my favorite!

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  27. I just don't understand how you have time to read anything. By the time I'd find my place in a book and read two sentences, I'd be done.

    Now reading in the bathtub? Glass of wine, Pandora on my phone? Bliss.

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  28. Yeah, I still don't get it ;) I'm always in and out of the bathroom in 5 mins! How could you have time to read anything in 5 mins?

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  29. I poop to fast to read anything. Now, if I'm ever having a difficult time expelling my waste then I'm for sure a reader, but honestly not much reading gets done because I'm too busy giving myself a hernia holding my breath trying to get the dump out.

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  30. @Twired Jen-- don't worry, there were others, lol.

    @Sharon - it did occur to me that for all you ladies with kids, bathroom time might not be all that private after all.

    @Franki - I don't bring borrowed material in the shitter with me. Like you, I get supremem satisfaction out of horrifying the guys who are "poop" delusional about their women. LOL!

    Ah yes, I love that we can open about not just our love of RPattz and Twilight, but... well, taking a dump too!

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  31. Jenipher that is a wonderful idea there, I'm gonna have to make use of that one.

    Brenkden we may have been separated at birth. I can only do the poo at home as well. Plus I keep my IPod dock in the bathroom. that way it's always there for some FB and Twitter surfering. If I'm still waiting around until paperwork time I'll pull up a fanfic to read. My IPod touch has become my best friend.

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  32. I grew up in a Reader's Digest home - that magazine was specifically designed for potty reading. Time works pretty good too. (Gad, what an old-lady reading list! But I only do mags in the bathroom.) Although I'm becoming a quick pooper too so I don't bother reading much anymore.

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  33. Once I started reading this post and felt a little something coming on, I decided to resume my reading on the pot. Definite good decision on my part. Love your descriptions!!!

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  34. More poop posts! Keepin' it real...Keepin it real. So, I freak out that some errant poop germs will get on any book/zine/paper that I leave near the shitter, so we don't keep reading material next to the throne. If you wanna read sumfin, bring it in with you, and take it out. I don't want no e coli floating around on my reading material. Fuck.That.Noise.

    ...I can't lie. I practice sign language when I'm on the pot. I talk to myself, I sign songs that are in my head, movie lines...I hope a lot of interpreters do this. If not, well...damn. I never was one of the "normal" ones anyway.

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  35. JJ, I have to compliment you on your very subtle seque. You followed STY's Rob Butt Crack post with a poop post. You're always creative and relevant and I love you big time! (so do we get Rob's peen tomorrow?)

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  36. While we are on this crappy subject. I would love to see a post dedicated to those People at work that never wash their damn hands causing me to boycott all potlucks.

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  37. i'm an express pooper too. i practically wait till it's touching cloth before i'll go. sitting on the toilet for a long time and pushing out turds gives you hemorrhoids.

    my husband takes 30 minutes to crap, and he does it at least 4 times a day. he will waste so much time over the course of his life on the crapper.

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  38. ** Anal sex, girlfriends, anal sex. The more weirded out they are, the more they like watching/fantasizing/doing anal.

    I used to read....that was several children ago but I remember it fondly. Uninterupted peace while you accomplish necessary tasks and get tips on 30 ways to drive him wild in bed this month. My new male roomie spending half days in the bathroom until I finally twigged his bizness and moved my stack of Cosmos to the livingroom table, cause I'm helpful like that. Those were the days, definitely.
    Eventually the kids will all hit puberty and they'll give what they want to get. Then it will be my turn to knock on the door and whine queries about when they're coming out *evil grin*

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  39. My sister will so kill me if she finds out I shared this...but whatevs! On the subject of guys and their girls and poop...my sister once had a particularly larger than normal experience and for some reason failed to flush the toilet (or couldn't, I can't recall). Anyway, her husband came upon her, uh, present and freaked the fuck out. He insisted that a robber or someone must have come in the house (what, like the UPS guy??) and used their toilet because he didn't do it and he would not believe my sister when she said it was her! Talk about denial.

    Edit: You know I have no problem with porn and talking about sex and all the other lovely topics that come up on this site....but poop...I dunno...can't seem to get into the sharing mode!

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  40. I take my iPhone into the bathroom. Most of the time I play words with friends or bejewled. Sometimes I reply to emails and the like. I also used to keep books in there until I got the phone. I've always been a bathroom reader.

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  41. OH my fucking funnneeee!! punching a grumpy!!
    I'm one of the lucky few who sleep good & poop good, Unless I'm hungover & then all bets are off.
    I used to be an in n' out kinda girl & told the hubby he had hemi's cuz he was hanging out on the shitter reading too long.
    Then my friend gave me her old iPod Touch & shazam! I'll hang out with the fic & my neighbors wifi for-e-v-e-r! Why leave? I poop, get the job done & then hang out - successfully avoiding my chores & children!
    I still believe if you sit with the ol' sphinc hanging out wide open, you could cause some unwanted tissue "issues" - just sayin.

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  42. Dude, hand me some readin' and I'm out in 30 seconds. It tears me a new a-hole each time (I've been taking Omega-3 oil daily for a few years now and it's a little better...)

    The bf tells me to let it come out slowly and "naturally" (wth is that?) but this is the guy who sets up his fantasy football league while on the throne. Everytime he gets in there I have to cancel our dinner appointment.

    Really, I'd love to hang out in there but I just can't stand the smell. (Though apparently my dog can, because he has a tendency to nose the door open and check out the situation when I poop.)

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  43. OH my fucking funnneeee!! punching a grumpy!!
    I'm one of the lucky few who sleep good & poop good, Unless I'm hungover & then all bets are off.
    I used to be an in n' out kinda girl & told the hubby he had hemi's cuz he was hanging out on the shitter reading too long.
    Then my friend gave me her old iPod Touch & shazam! I'll hang out with the fic & my neighbors wifi for-e-v-e-r! Why leave? I poop, get the job done & then hang out - successfully avoiding my chores & children!
    I still believe if you sit with the ol' sphinc hanging out wide open, you could cause some unwanted tissue "issues" - just sayin.

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