Here at Twitarded, we have stopped now and again to ponder how our angsty, cog-in-a-wheel, unfulfilling little lives differ from those of the characters in Twilight. Or more specifically, from Edward and Bella's charmed lives. Yeah, yeah, I know there were a few minor hiccups - bad vampires, the Volturi, blah blah blah - but c'mon - let's review: True love? Got it? Immortality so you can spend forever and ever with your sweetie? Check! Endless wealth so that you don't have to spend your countless days toiling away for The Man? Yup! Looking ridiculously young, fabulous, and flawless for all of eternity? YES! It ain't so bad being them, you know?
As I have been pondering the filming of the honeymoon scene in Breaking Dawn, which apparently is going to take over the entire country of Brazil for a week or two and they might even tweak that really REALLY huge statue they have of ummm "some guy who isn't Robert Patterson" to make it look more like RPatts (on a really scruffy day) just to commemorate the occasion. Or something like that - maybe it's just going to be a statue of Edward's sparkle-peen when it's all said and done - I forget the specifics of what I heard... Anyway, I got to thinking about how the Twilighty world was once again thoroughly one-upping--nay, trouncing!--pathetic lil' old real life.
But as Edward and Bella commit their collective first times to film [note to Bill Condon: fade to black and we will hunt you down and kill you], I started reminiscing about my own leap into sexual unknown, aka "The Great STY Hymen Breaking of 1980-Something." It's been a while since I've thought about that fateful day when I gave up the poonanie and lost my virginity. Mostly because it was a thoroughly unremarkable and forgettable experience (why is the phrase "lost your virginity" anyway?? it's not like it goes missing - you know where it went - it didn't up and run away from home or something, you know?).
A little comparison:
Bella & Edward: Having been whisked away to a private island, Bella is carried over the threshold by her adoring new husband in preparation of "the big moment."
Snarkier Than You & That Guy She Slept With [OK I have always been a serial monogamist and we were together for a year and a half which is like a decade in high-schooler-years so this wasn't just some tawdry fling]: Hunkered down in boyfriend's bedroom - the one with questionable shag carpeting, black-light posters, and a mattress that resided on the floor (why did we think this was cool when we were younger???).
Bella & Edward: Him: perfection naked; nothing could possibly embellish his glorious nudity. Her: arrives with a old-world trousseau put together by her vampy fashionista sister-in-law and has to wade through a collection of french lingerie that would likely cost more than I make in a month. Or two. [note: I am going to ignore the fact that she was rifling through said lingerie trying to find something she deemed more appropriate for her wedding night: a pair of old sweats.]
STY & TGSSW: Who the hell knows what I was wearing??? While I was totally planning on doing "it" with this guy and had taken all the necessary precautions ('cause I've always been "the responsible one" - sigh...), I certainly wasn't thinking that some random weekday would be "the day." Damn you, horny teenage boys who get tired of waiting... I was wearing...not sweats, ok? Oh and I don't think I ever saw him with his shirt off. Teenage boy backne. That is all.
Bella & Edward: Obviously have crazy-hot monkey sex ALL NIGHT LONG in their beachfront villa. Beds are broken, pillows are bitten, things get a little hot-n-heavy and maybe leave a mark, Bella is "totally and completely blissed out." Other than Edward freaking out about roughing her up (which she was totally down with, the little vixen...), the entire experience it FABU!
STY & TGSSW: Quick, unromantic (I can only imagine that there were flowers and candles and all that shit in the B & E version), totally not hot. Not a rose petal in sight. Blah. That's IT?! REALLY?
Bella & Edward: Post-coital, Edward fawns over Bella, stresses that he's somehow done her wrong, then goes to make her an awesome breakfast.
STY & TGSSW: Post-coitus, I go to my lame job working the layaway counter at the department store in the local mall. As usual, grab a slice at the pizzeria for dinner; wonder if the cute Italian dudes who work there can tell something's up. Spend the evening ignoring customers and wondering if I look different somehow. More worldly? Sluttier, maybe??? Can this guy putting Cabbage Patch Kids on layaway for Christmas see what a hussy I am???
Once again, Twilight-y world has managed to put RL to shame. DAMMIT!!! I hate when that happens... Ok not really... It's probably one of the main reasons we all got so addicted to this series in the first place. Let's face it - the Bella & Edward version is infinitely more enchanting than anything that's like to have taken place in the real world.
So here's the inevitable "your turn now!" moment: spill all of your most secret personal stories in the comments! You know you want to share, twatwaffles... Bring it on!