Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Real Life vs. Twilight: Losin' It Edition

Here at Twitarded, we have stopped now and again to ponder how our angsty, cog-in-a-wheel, unfulfilling little lives differ from those of the characters in Twilight. Or more specifically, from Edward and Bella's charmed lives. Yeah, yeah, I know there were a few minor hiccups - bad vampires, the Volturi, blah blah blah - but c'mon - let's review: True love? Got it? Immortality so you can spend forever and ever with your sweetie? Check! Endless wealth so that you don't have to spend your countless days toiling away for The Man? Yup! Looking ridiculously young, fabulous, and flawless for all of eternity? YES! It ain't so bad being them, you know?

As I have been pondering the filming of the honeymoon scene in Breaking Dawn, which apparently is going to take over the entire country of Brazil for a week or two and they might even tweak that really REALLY huge statue they have of ummm "some guy who isn't Robert Patterson" to make it look more like RPatts (on a really scruffy day) just to commemorate the occasion. Or something like that - maybe it's just going to be a statue of Edward's sparkle-peen when it's all said and done - I forget the specifics of what I heard... Anyway, I got to thinking about how the Twilighty world was once again thoroughly one-upping--nay, trouncing!--pathetic lil' old real life.

See??? They're already putting up the scaffolding for the statue make-over!

But as Edward and Bella commit their collective first times to film [note to Bill Condon: fade to black and we will hunt you down and kill you], I started reminiscing about my own leap into sexual unknown, aka "The Great STY Hymen Breaking of 1980-Something." It's been a while since I've thought about that fateful day when I gave up the poonanie and lost my virginity. Mostly because it was a thoroughly unremarkable and forgettable experience (why is the phrase "lost your virginity" anyway?? it's not like it goes missing - you know where it went - it didn't up and run away from home or something, you know?).

A little comparison:

Bella & Edward: Having been whisked away to a private island, Bella is carried over the threshold by her adoring new husband in preparation of "the big moment."

Snarkier Than You & That Guy She Slept With [OK I have always been a serial monogamist and we were together for a year and a half which is like a decade in high-schooler-years so this wasn't just some tawdry fling]: Hunkered down in boyfriend's bedroom - the one with questionable shag carpeting, black-light posters, and a mattress that resided on the floor (why did we think this was cool when we were younger???).

Girl, we're gonna go out there and get giggity with it!

Bella & Edward: Him: perfection naked; nothing could possibly embellish his glorious nudity. Her: arrives with a old-world trousseau put together by her vampy fashionista sister-in-law and has to wade through a collection of french lingerie that would likely cost more than I make in a month. Or two. [note: I am going to ignore the fact that she was rifling through said lingerie trying to find something she deemed more appropriate for her wedding night: a pair of old sweats.]

STY & TGSSW: Who the hell knows what I was wearing??? While I was totally planning on doing "it" with this guy and had taken all the necessary precautions ('cause I've always been "the responsible one" - sigh...), I certainly wasn't thinking that some random weekday would be "the day." Damn you, horny teenage boys who get tired of waiting... I was wearing...not sweats, ok? Oh and I don't think I ever saw him with his shirt off. Teenage boy backne. That is all.

Bella & Edward: Obviously have crazy-hot monkey sex ALL NIGHT LONG in their beachfront villa. Beds are broken, pillows are bitten, things get a little hot-n-heavy and maybe leave a mark, Bella is "totally and completely blissed out." Other than Edward freaking out about roughing her up (which she was totally down with, the little vixen...), the entire experience it FABU!

That didn't hurt at ALL! Let's do it again right now!!! Nom nom nom...

STY & TGSSW: Quick, unromantic (I can only imagine that there were flowers and candles and all that shit in the B & E version), totally not hot. Not a rose petal in sight. Blah. That's IT?! REALLY?

Bella & Edward: Post-coital, Edward fawns over Bella, stresses that he's somehow done her wrong, then goes to make her an awesome breakfast.

STY & TGSSW: Post-coitus, I go to my lame job working the layaway counter at the department store in the local mall. As usual, grab a slice at the pizzeria for dinner; wonder if the cute Italian dudes who work there can tell something's up. Spend the evening ignoring customers and wondering if I look different somehow. More worldly? Sluttier, maybe??? Can this guy putting Cabbage Patch Kids on layaway for Christmas see what a hussy I am???

Once again, Twilight-y world has managed to put RL to shame. DAMMIT!!! I hate when that happens... Ok not really... It's probably one of the main reasons we all got so addicted to this series in the first place. Let's face it - the Bella & Edward version is infinitely more enchanting than anything that's like to have taken place in the real world.

So here's the inevitable "your turn now!" moment: spill all of your most secret personal stories in the comments! You know you want to share, twatwaffles... Bring it on!


  1. Yeaaaah I kept checking Twitarded every 30 minutes or so tonight because I really need a huge distraction from the NaNoWriMo novel that is sucking the life out of me only 700 words in. I was getting worried!

    My first time was worthless. I lost it the day before I went to college on the floor of my old bedroom at my parent's house to a guy I had been dating for a month or so. But I didn't want to go to college a virgin so I just got it over with. I know, I know. Classy. There was no Rob or candles and flowers. Just a blanket on the floor and I believe that the Nelly CD was playing (I know, I know. Rap is romantic) Should have done it with my previous boyfriend whom I loved but the few times we almost did, we got interrupted by a phone or his grandparents coming home, something like that. For the record, I ended up getting back together with him a year or so down the road and we finally did it. Wasn't as great as I thought it would be.

    Annnnd there's my story.

  2. I was 18. I had just watched Toy Story on VHS. *shudder* Water bed. ( It was 1996.) No orgasm. Hurt like hell. He ran me a bath afterwards which was kinda sweet. In my defense, I thought loved him at the time. 14 years later and I still run into the fucker around town. What I'd give to live in an anonymous city!

    My 2 best friends grilled me for details the next day while I was working at a department store. I guess they were my Rose and Alice. Of the fan fiction variety.

    No regrets.

  3. I was 17, spring of my senior year in high school. He was a beloved and loving boyfriend, so no worries about being ditched afterward. However, once it happened -- during a Saturday afternoon in his room, while his parental units were downstairs and many tipsy kids were having a wild post-steeple-chase party outside -- once it happened, all I could say was: "That was it?"

    A total non event. I think he answered "yup" and just hugged me.

    But I didn't know then that teenage boys are clueless and that girls aren't really into it until they're what, 30?

    If I entered that fanfiction contest where Bella and Edward have to begin as virgins, I would write it with her losing it in the first six words and thinking "is that all there is?" and then see if it's possible to recoup.

  4. Haha, great post! At least I got the tropical island, but it happened on the 8th hole of a military golf course (@ night of course.) Memorable, if not pleasurable;)

  5. I was 20 and it was on a boat (!). Seriously. His parents had one docked and it was the only place we could think of to be alone. I had the same reaction " that's it?". He was my boyfriend of over a year and is now my husband. Yeah, I'm boring like that. But how many of you can say "boat " and "only one guy ever?".

  6. I was 17, it was July, the summer before my Senior year. I was dating a Mexican dude named "Roddy" who was 18. Yup. His name was Roddy. Anyhoo, we had been dating for about 4 mos and one day after summer school we did it in my bedroom while my Mom and Dad were at work. My Mom had always been a stay at home Mom and had just taken to working a part time job then...Funny thing was he was about to leave and kept trying to get me to have sex...he even threw out the I LOVE card. NICE. LONG story short, it lasted all of 30 seconds and no hymen was broken..I think I never had one...

    We ended up dating for another year. For the record, he was uncircumcised and his dick was crooked. FOUL I tell you, foul.

    STY, you are a genius...LOVE this post and love your sweet face.

    xo J

  7. My first time?!?!

    Shit, that's like asking me which came first...the chicken or the egg.
    Not sure which guy it was at the moment.

    Wow, I might have been a slut in the 80's.

  8. My first time was after a Christmas Party with a fireman...it sounds sexier than it was. I was wearing a black two piece outfit that had cut out peek holes on the arms and he was in a suit...
    He laid me down on his expensive dress coat and ripped the buttons on the bottoms of my outfit...and then he kept stopping to ask if I was OK.
    He was fucking amazing...
    We did it again a few days later. I couldn't get my clothes off fast enough and he was amazing...again.
    Needless to say I fell head over heals for the guy, and to make matters worse...he now lives two houses away. Excuse me while I write an outline for my new Fanfic that just came to me, titled "I miss you, you Irish Bastard".

  9. Oh geez, my first time, I was 20 and it was with my now husband about a year before we got married. We wanted to wait, but we just couldn't help ourselves I guess. Anyway, we had just got started and as he was making his way in my kitten (I'm talking about an actual cat here) jumped on the bed and just whacked my hubby in the balls. With claws and all. It was probably the most hilarious moments in my life. I love reminding my husband of the chivilrous cat I used to have that wanted to protect my virtue. I guess the cat was my true Edward.

  10. Jay-sus! Is NOTHING sacred here?????

    16, back seat of a Buick Riviera, with my soul-mate high-school sweetheart [who eventually became my 1st husband], not planned, not drinking, but very tired, I guess. I slept through the whole thing. The. whole. thing.


    I remember nothing . . . except for him kissing me and saying "thank-you, thank-you, I love you so much, baby . . . " when it was all over. And I was sticky. So, um, yeah. Not so much like B & E. Not. at. all.

  11. Friggin hilarious! Book/movie 1st times r always better than RL. Especially when Edward is there.

    @STY-There is no way in this muther humpin world u lost it in the 80s! Were u like 12?!

    I was 19 and gave it up (most definitely did't lose it) on Valentines day. It hurt like a mo cuz the guy was hung like Sea Biscuit! (No joke-I should've taken a picture, he was epic large!) Too bad he couldn't find my g spot with a fucking gps and both hands or his tongue. We dated for a few months and that was that.

  12. Our game of "Just The Tip" slipped the summer of our senior year. We had been together since the winter of junior year, so it was gonna happen sooner or later. The week before we talked about "Waiting" because "We respected each other more than that." Bullshit. We fucked, it sucked, so we practiced 'til it FUCKING ROCKED.

    11 years later, we're getting married.

  13. My first time was actually amazing, at 20, to my boyfriend of a couple months. We had absolutely nothing in common but wicked senses of humor and cataclysmic sex. We still stayed together for 6 months after that cuz it was so much fun. :) We're still friends too, both married to different people. He only had one testicle. Sounds weird, but it wasn't really messy. My kinda dude.

  14. If I could have found someone worth the trouble sooner, I wouldn't have waited as long as I did (23). I was quiet and looked ridiculously young even though I had a filthy mind, a toilet mouth, and wanted to throw the damned thing away already without any angsty shit to deal with from the recipient. The guy I decided on was cute, hung, and no big deal if it didn't work out (it didn't). Talk about being painful and boring!

  15. love how you make the twilight-real life connections!!!

    For me it happened one week shy of my 15th b'day. I was visiting my sister for the summer and fancied myself in love with her roommate. That was totes a summer of firsts for me. I'm pretty sure that I'd never so much as been felt up before him. We fooled around quite a bit, and I honestly hadn't really considered that more would happen. But it did. There was no romance. It actually happened in my other sister's boyfriend's bed (weird, I know). I remember being mildy freaked out, and that was the last I fooled around with him. My sister was not impressed when she found out (and I was equally not impressed that she read my diary). Did I mention that he was like 22 or 23? I went home a few days later (planned, not because of my jailbaitness).

    And yeah, when I hit the ripe old age of 22 I was completely disgusted (with him).

  16. @norcaltwitard - 12?! NO! I am OLD don't forget - lol! But seriously, I was in college before the eighties wrapped [gasp!], so I was old enough...

    : )

  17. P.S. @TheRugbyMom - Nope, nothing is sacred here.

  18. UGH.

    My first time was with a guy named Mark nicknamed "Boom Boom" he was a shift manager at a fast food place with the logo of a red headed girl ( My BFF worked there) We went out to the RHPS and drinking. My girl has the hots for his pal Kenny. So afterwards, we all were watching TV in the living room and and I hear a "get out". Mark and I looked at each other and were like " did you hear that?" she said "get out" again so in our drunken state we giggled and ran off to his room. We waited 5 minutes for them to get busy then we ran out into the living room because we "forgot" something and then ran back into giggles. (the look of terror on her face was priceless)

    So we are stuck in his room, mattress on the floor (klassy) with nothing but time to kill. So I gave it away! ( Lost it HA!)In my NO experience...you would think that having the nickname of "boom boom" would be promising.....right?
    Wrong, It was uneventful and a bit painful. Afterwards I went swimming with the bff at the apartment pool and there was a guy there flirting with me and I remember freaking out a bit "oh my gawd, CAN he TELL? I just lost it?" I was worried if you could "tell".

    Looking back, I should of went with the guy they called "Meat". LOL

  19. Oh, it's always fun to share! Forgive me for going anonymous, ladies... it's the thought that counts. ;)

    My first time was at my friend's cottage, and I was 21. My boyfriend and I were there alone for the weekend, and we'd been dating for about a month. On a blanket on the floor, painful, and I was dehydrated--not the fun way, but because we'd forgotten to bring drinkable water with us. Ugh.

    Ten years later and we celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary... and yes, those 30s hit and now it's AMAZING! :D

  20. Who:
    Me - stupid curious kid
    Him - horny teenboy

    In a dark basement on a stack of old tires

    Awkward fumbling
    Condom on
    Grunting (him)
    Sweating (him)
    Confusion (me)
    Collapse (him)
    Disappointment (me)
    Condom off

    no love
    no pain
    no pleasure
    no dignity

  21. I lost my virginity at age 17 to my reluctant boyfriend. He wanted it to be dark, so I covered up the window in my walk in closet (I was a spoiled kid) and we did it in there. I don't remember much about it, except I had in the single for the song "What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes so that played on a loop. The funny part was that I was such an overprepared nerd that I'd read about four or five sex books leading up to the big moment so I'd know what to do. That putz didn't appreciate my efforts but all the subsequent putzes have.

  22. Interesting stats -- I count about 8 painful and/or boring for every amazing. Lucky Mrs. P - laying his good coat down for you - very romantic.
    I was 19 and in college, with a very sweet, considerate guy I'd been dating a couple of months. (I was lucky in that regard.) Planned ahead, went on the pill, but didn't know you were supposed to take it for a month before it worked. (Duh.) It hurt like hell, so much we gave up the first time, but the next morning we managed it. It was kinda sweet but definitely a let-down, and then it actually continued to hurt a lot for like the next 10 times. Got a lot better with practice, though. :)

  23. On a beach towel in the backyard....classy right?? at least it was night time and the stars were out :\

  24. I'm going to embarrass myself a little. If not here, where, right? *sigh* Here goes. It was prom night. Yea. Pulled a Brenda (late 80's woo! 90210 for those not in the know). He was my boyfriend for several months and we had been macking and macking and macking for a while, which I had liked. All in all, kind of a natural thing, only my friends (all of them) knew about it. Which was weird.

    Oh, the best part? Before, we talked a bit and he asked if there was anything I didn't want to do (here's the embarrassing part, ha), and I said I thought oral sex was gross. He said it really wasn't, then proved his point. Holla! That was great.

    After that, painful boning, but after a while it was pretty great too. No Edward, for sure, but still, couldn't ask for more.

    Love you guys and can't wait to voyeuristically check on everyone else's stories! Yay! <3

  25. I LOVE all these comments!!

    I was 16. He was 20. We had been together for a couple of months. We did it in his room. Hurt like a mother fucker and I was definitely all "no fucking way am I ever letting anyone stick their dong in my basket again!" for a little while after that. What a letdown.

    The awkward part? Yeah, that was when my brother showed up and wanted to know why I was hanging out with his friend. When he finally figured it out he was very unhappy. I guess no one likes to find out their friend is boning their kid sister.

  26. 18 with my 20 year old boyfriend in his room right near the living room where his parents were watching a football game. Makeout session turned into CHACHING! Thank god it didn't hurt, and no, that's not saying anything about his size.

  27. ok, wait.... how did me trying to do research on the latest Breaking Dawn news to report on the Daily Twimes turn into me TELLING the entire world about my first time. damn you bitches!

  28. I was almost 17 and he was 18. We knew his parents were going out of town for the weekend and spent the week before hinting about me finally giving it up. The night of the ‘big event’ I got in the car to head over to his house and Tone Loc’s Wild Thing was playing in the radio – which was, of course, a sign from the gods that it was meant to be. I got to the house and he, being a hormonal teenage boy, attacked me at the door. We made it up the stairs to his bedroom and I proceeded to panic. Ever the gentleman he backed off and said it wasn’t a big deal. About 15 minutes later some of my girlfriends showed up and we popped a bottle of champagne. After pouring the liquid courage down my throat my friends left and we picked up where we had left off upstairs. It was either not very memorable or, more likely, I was REALLY shit-faced because I don’t remember much. That’s probably a good thing though because I do remember that it was over pretty quickly. We hit Taco Bell after – where else do you go after drunken first-time sex? I think I was more nervous the 2nd time since I was stone cold sober.

    Five years later I married that boy and twenty years later we still commemorate that night with MUCH more memorable sex.

  29. I was 19 or 20. Is it sad that I can't really remember? He was my first boyfriend, 22, and he was not a virgin. He was awesome about waiting though and I think I made him wait almost a year. Anyway, it was actually pretty good from what I recall. I know for sure the "The Cure" was playing. So this was only like 6 years ago and I hardly remember. I do know that the sex was wicked awesome and was the only thing that made our relationship bearable for the next year that I allowed myself to stay in it.

  30. I cannot believe I'm about to type this.

    Mine was late-ish in high school with a guy I was dating but wasn't really that into. I think just wanted to get it over with. I was a bit of a late bloomer, one of the last of my friends to do the dirty deed.

    Picture it. A hot summer night, cruising the backroads of a small country town, pulled off into what I beleive was a corn field. Might have been hay, it was dark, hard to say. But I digress. Windows rolled down in the cab of his powder blue pickup truck. That's right. Powder. Blue. And here's the pièce de résistance... wait for it... he sang 'When We Make Love' by Alabama into my ear while we were doing it. I seriously can't believe I didn't throw up. It makes me want to throw up now just thinking about it. But I'm sure at the moemnt I was all, "Oooooh, how romantic!" Barf. Can I have a 'do'-over?? Please?

    As the song goes in the horrible 80s movie 'Teen Witch'... Top That.

  31. @tiggerkitten36, I canNOT stop laughing at Boom Boom. That is awesome.

    Thanks for sharing ladies! I had to post before I read the comments so I didn't lose my nerve.

    w/v: croco. My first time was a croco shite.

  32. I was 17 and he was 18, we'd been dating for a couple of months but the kid was hung like a bear and I KNEW that I wanted to ride that lightning.

    Told my mom I wanted to bone the kid and she was on the phone to the gyno like white on rice. Got mah pills and Mr. Horny McHornerson and & literally counted down the days on the pill pack until it was considered "safe". The little fucker was on my doorstep with a shit eating grin THAT VERY NIGHT.

    As far as mechanics go, my mom had warned me it would hurt like a motherfucker, so I was prepared. But he was cute, went slow until I said "Jesus Christ, just GO!" and then there was literally an audible "POP" during which he was smiling like a cat shitting razor blades and I was biting his shoulder. After the initial burning sensation had ceased, I whispered, "now after that, you'd better wait for me to come or I'll kick your ass". We both giggled and he waited. It was pretty damned awesome after that. Time #2 baby boy kept shit going for FIFTY SEVEN minutes. I remember, because I kept glancing at my clock radio thinking "holy SHIT this boy has stamina".

    Anywhooo...I didn't even have to explain the blood spots on my sheet to my mom, Nana Cougar is cool like that. She just giggled & said "everything go ok"? I think I eyerolled.

    Fast Forward 30 years and we're Facebook friends, despite the fact that he's married to the girl he cheated on me with and is now a Catholic Deacon. I'm actually kinda squicked out by him now, but when you're 17 & blinded by hornymones, you overlook shit like manky feet.

    Had a LOT of fun in college...but when I met Papa and we bumped uglies for the first time in his waterbed after he took me on a "kite flying date", I knew this was the man for me.

    Jesus....now I'm horny.


  33. OMG! These are effing hilarious!!!

    So, in retrospect, I think a few games of "just the tip" may have gone a little far when I was 15 or so with my 18 yo bf of a year. (Naive much? Why yes, yes I was!) But in my mind my "first time" was when I was 17 with my then bf of a year , also 17. My parents had run over to the neighbors for a few minutes (or something, I really don't remember) and we broke in my new bed. Sadly, it wasn't the worst sex I've ever had. He literally stood up, pulled his pants up from his knees, got in his car and headed over to his buddies house. It was all VERY romantic! lol

  34. I was 16, it was in the back of his best friends lifted truck (i know its so cliche to give it up in the backseat)at the school ag farm! Super cheesy with Keith Sweat playing in the background! Overall it hurt a little bit and was over fast. I was with him a year before that an year after. No regrets it was my first love but it definitely wasnt special and it sure as hell wasn't anything like Edward and Bellla!

  35. I feel a little weird commenting on this post because I know Mom will read it but hey, nothing here you don't already know.

    @first 'Anonymous' commenter... I get to say "only one ever," and I woke up next to him this morning :) The rest of these stories are making really, REALLY glad for that. If I ever have a daughter, I'm handing her this post the day she enters high school.

  36. Let's see...I was very young, I was 14 and I was skipping school. We went to his friends' backyard, to an old RV and it lasted about 30 seconds..then we walked back to school where I had to report to Gym, of all classes. I am now 23 and married to said fellow, needless to say that in almost 10 years the sex has gotten alot better than that first time. Thank god.

  37. Never thought the day would come that I'd go Anon here. But THIS, ladies is my deepest, darkest, take to the grave secret.
    Like Bella, I was an angsty, confused drip, who actually had an "Edward" & a "Jacob". "Jacob" had always been there, our parents were very close, we grew up together, he was dark, beefy, handsome and a great friend. Other women swooned over him and I was the bitch who let him follow me around like a puppy thinking maybe it could happen between us.
    Then I met my Edward, and I instantly knew, without a doubt, where my future was. We were engaged in just a few months. "Jacob" was not happy, to say the least. One night, "Edward" was out of town & I had planned to hang out with "Jacob". (All with Edward's knowledge. After all, Jacob was my oldest family friend) That night, he laid out all his feelings for me & begged me not to get married. Then he kissed me. THIS is where I am supposed to get pissed and punch him in the face. But, no, I'm not Bella. I was curious and horny and SLEPT with him. It was the first time. I had always loved him in some way, and thought that I really needed to sleep with him just once.
    I did marry my Edward. He's the most wonderful husband, father, friend, provider and everything else you could think of.
    He could NEVER know about my first. "Jacob" is very present in our lives, with out families being as close as they are. We see him regularly and no one knows our secret. His sister is even one of my best friends. She has always been aware of her brother's feelings but doesn't know I ever acted upon them. I've been married 10 years & have wonderful family & life. He's still single.(which my mother reminds me of weekly.)
    So there you have it. I'm a ho.

  38. It really does make you kinda pout though to think of B & E's first time and compare it RL Or the life and love they have for that matter, in all honesty that's why I'm so damn obsessed with all this shit. But it's love and sex and immortality and a damn sexy Edward so it can't be wrong...something like that just cannot be wrong!! lol

  39. OMG! The comments are killing me!! So hilarious.

    My first time was on my honeymoon a million years ago. It wasn't even on my wedding night because the Universe hates me & not only did I get my period the day before the wedding, but the entire wedding party got a stomach virus. Instead of breaking headboards, I spent my wedding night on the bathroom floor. So romantic.

  40. @LwE- LMFAO God that was so funny!!!

    Okay now my first time. I was 18 he was 24 the year after I graduated we were both at our old HS's homecoming football game he was scouting for a college we had some friends in common so we got to talking. I was wearing this flowy white top that had straps that criss crossed in the back a pair of American Eagle jeans and my kickin Vans (skater shoes) I had kinda slutty underwear on *whew* no embarrassing granny panties for this girl lol. I was freezing my ass off btw.

    Anywhore he invited me back to his place after the game I said yes. No flowers or romantic candle light. Just a bed with clean sheets in a clean room; looking back I'm really glad for that lol. It hurt a bit lasted a good long while no big O for me. We had hooked up many times after that.... then his skank ass cheated on me! I still hear from him every now and again we are both still single sooooooo, ya know, a girl has needs. Yep there I said it. Now you know all my dirty secrets :)

  41. My first time was in the Army barracks with my BF at the time. I was 22 and he was 20 I think. IT WAS HORRIBLE!! My whole life I had always said I was going to wait until I was married, so the next day when I left to drive home I cried the whole way. I was thinking to myself "I AM SUCH A DIRTY WHORE!" then when I did get home I actually barfed. LOL! Lots of stress over that one.

    Looking back though he's was a good guy for the first go around because he had a very small weenie. HAHAHAHAHA!! It still hurt but not as bad as it could've.

  42. Wedding night, I was 20. I had never even seen a real live penis. Hubs was too embarassed to buy lube, so he thought vaseline would be an okay substitute. It was not. We literally giggled through the entire thing and kept saying so what do I do now. Idiots. It lasted about 30 seconds and I burst into tears and cried myself to sleep thinking what the hell was that. Still married, many moons later, sex is amazing and so glad he is my only. But wow, I wish I had had someone tell me what to expect beforehand.

  43. I was seventeen, he was eighteen and we dated our senior year of high school. We went camping during spring break(of course, parents thought it was all girls trip) and he told me that he changed which college he applied to so we could be in the same town. That night, we snuggled by the fire and went to bed in our tent, trying to be quiet while our stupid friends made comments around us. We had decided not to have sex, but...I was a goner when he was kissing me and then started to CRY and said "Marry me" He repeated that while undressing me and then whispered it over and over while we...you know...

    It hurt and he kept saying he was sorry and he called me angel. We used no protection(DUMB!!!!) and I ended up throwing away the sleeping bag so I didn't have to explain why it was bloody. It didn't last long, but he did make me come afterwards. I freaked out later that night about pregnancy and he told me that I would be even more beautiful pregnant.

    I loved him...not with him now, but I still think about him pretty much every day.

  44. Awww, Jake was my first. I was 15, he was the Jr. High slut. It was ackward, as my best friend was determined that I not do the deed so he stayed in the room while it happened. We were under the covers, best friend right next to the bed playing Nintendo. Super classy bitches. ha ha

  45. I was "going to save myself for marriage" girl, and everyone was sure I was going to, too. But those damn teenage boys know that saying I love you somehow gets chicks (at least naive me) into bed! My first time sucked! Oh, and it was messy! You'd think that riding horses all my life would have broken that cherry, but NOOOOOOooooo. Oh, then he told everyone....bastard! Somehow, between me being stupid and him being hypnotic, I stayed w/ him for 2 years. Married him d/t a kid, then he took off. Oh well! I've got the kid! :D

  46. It was 1 week before my 16th birthday and I had asked my girlfriends (who were all trollops)what it would feel like and they prepared me for the experience.
    He was 17, experienced, really good looking, and very willing. He knew it would be my 1st time, so he took care of details like candles, music, privacy. As he was beginning he kept saying that it would hurt but only for a moment. He also kept saying how good it felt but it hurt like hell for me. I lied and said it was great. Then the perv asked if he could stick it in my butt! Eww. My trollop friends prepared me for that too. They said that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you let a boy put anything there. After all you don't want him to think you are a slut?! We"dated" for like 6 months because he lived in a different town and long distance relationships NEVER work out.

  47. I had just turned 16 (early 80's for me), I had wanted to wait until I was more "mature". My fun first time was in a garage...on a sleeping bag, practically under a car (his parents were in the house) - and typical of most teenage encounters many times after that (same guy) took place in basements, cars, the woods and other outdoor places. Now that I look back, it was actually kind of hot! And it was nice being with the same guy because we felt comfortable experimenting - even though we had no clue what we were doing most of the time! I'm not sure I get the whole virgin thing though...no major pain, no blood, none of that stuff you read about. But, I know I was sore as hell the next day - couldn't walk up stairs very well! *snort* STY - you certainly have brought back some memories that I haven't thought about in a loooooong time!

  48. I was 15 and he was 16. First serious bf. He "popped" that ol' cherry prior to the deed itself, so the bloody part was over and done with quite some time before first sex. I don't remember the first time itself, but the sex was pretty decent afterwards. Horny teenager and all - anywhere, anytime, whenever we could. LOL!

    More memorable to me are the two I got to take...hmm...what do you call it when I guy looses his? LOL!

  49. I had just turned 17. We fucked on our 3rd date, on 11/19/1982 (I wrote it down and I have my diary well hidden). Actually we didn't date, we just started hanging out together after meeting at a party where my friend tried to get on him. We would go out after basketball games; he was in band and I was on Pom Squad. We would drive around, get tipsy, and make out in his car. I just knew he was the one I wanted to 'go all the way' with. We did it in the back of his car, a small shaggin' wagon and I had my Pom uniform on, classic teen sex! It wasn't great but it wasn't bad either, it didn't hurt THAT much and the foreplay was always good though I didn't orgasm with fingers or intercourse. The next time we did it in his bed and he went down on me. I thought I had died and gone to heaven! Can you say O-FACE?!?!. We were fuck buddies for 2 years then he got serious about someone else and it broke my heart to quit seeing him. There's more to our story but I have to end it there.

  50. loving these stories ladies! i wish hollywood would show a more honest portrayal of the 1st time.

    i was 15 and was dating this guy for a few months. i thought i was ready, mature, and i felt like our relationship needed something xtra. so i decided the day we would do it. of course, we couldn't do it in my house with my parents there, so i decided the next best place would be...behind the strip mall near my house, of course! we laid out our jean jackets and did it in the grass. it was summer, and we both got eaten alive by mosquitoes. his back was covered with bites. the feeling of it was so disappointing, i just felt like i had to pee. so i made him stop, then told him to get out of me. i was shocked. what the hell was all the hype about?! it's really never gotten much better than that for me, well, minus the mosquitoes. i'll take oral over intercourse anyday!

  51. I'm not sure my "first" time counted. I was 14, and on a mission to try everything. Some unimportant crush was chosen for this particular event, late at night at a friend's house. Which lasted all of 20 seconds, until he said "We better stop." I hardly felt a thing. Totally lame.
    Not long after, an older, beautiful, sexy punk icon of a boy that I worshipped had me for reals in the attic of a friend's barn. This one definitely counted! I waddled wide-saddle for days. We had the occasional onesie thru many years of my life. He was a total perv, but also an important influence in my formative years.
    Fortunately, I began to associate sex with love late in my teens. Things have been much better since.
    Mothers, show your daughters this thread & tell 'em to keep it locked down a little while.
    Oh, and to use B.C!! Their might be a cautionary tale I'm alluding to here, eh?!

  52. I've never shared this with anyone before and I'm a little mortified to admit this, but here goes. My first time was nothing spectacular and was definitely unplanned.
    It was a few weeks after my 19th, he was 18 and my BF of 3mths, and now my DH of many many years. I don't recall a lot of it as we'd been out earlier. I might have to ask him later....
    Painful, can't remember, but can tell you it was difficult trying to lose it. I was impatient and just plonked myself right onto him. The next thing I remember is waking up still on top of him and my sister asleep in her bed. Yep, we shared a room. I was horrified and terrified at the same time. I had no idea what she'd seen and nothing was ever said about it.
    Thankfully,like @Lindsay Rae 'we practiced 'til it FUCKING ROCKED'.

    PS: sorry, had to go Anon :)

  53. Wow my first time was quite traumatic and a big let down.

    I was all of 13 Yeah I know a little young but it was 1975 you know free love blah blah.. I was in grade 8 and everyone was doing “it”, and my first beach party with all the cool kids. He was the hot guy in grade 9 at school that had been flirting with me for some time. He managed to get me off in the bush behind a tree somewhere in a grassy area alone. Took him quite some time to convince me, as I kept saying no I want to wait. He kept saying he'd be my friend forever. (to this day I roll my eyes at remembering that, dumb ass that I was falling for a lame ass line like that) But being the stupid little h00r that I am I eventually gave in. I don't remember the deed being anything spectacular. I believe I made a mess of his fancy ski jacket that he put under us.

    The kicker was the next Monday at school he wouldn't even talk to me the bastard. Quite traumatic. I didn't go to another beach party or do the deed again until I was 18. The upside is that the bastard lost most of his hair in his early 20's. Ah karma you’re an evil bitch.

  54. Wow,am I really going to post this here? And not go "Anon"?

    I was just over a month shy of 18, he was 20. I'd been in love with him since he first kissed me when I was 13. We used to make out at church of all places! In between the first kiss and the first time, there was a lot of him going out with other girls and me being jealous as hell. I gave it up at his friend's house...he had planned our first "date"...a movie in an empty house. He was the most fantastic kisser and next thing you know, we were in bed. I remember him going down on me and my being embarrassed. I remember him telling me to "just relax" when the big moment came, and me gritting my teeth and saying "I can't". Then there was pain, blood, pleasure for him, and I was just worried my mother would be able to see that I was now a slut when I got home. He used me for sex for almost a year with our relationship being a lot of phone calls and more of these "dates". I was so in love with him that I let him use me. We had sex for the last time on a Tuesday and on Friday night he was out with a new girlfriend. I heard about it and cried all night. The next morning I swore I'd never shed another tear over him.

    I can now face what I wouldn't admit to myself back then. I was the fat girl and he was ashamed to be seen with me in public, but I was great for someone to screw. He once asked me why I seemed so angry with him (when I worked in a store and had to wait on him as a customer). I said "you're joking right?". He was clueless and actually called my house later wanting an answer! He is now married to the girl he went out with after me and I haven't seen him in many, many years and hope I never do again.

    How do 20 plus year old memories still have the power to hurt? Thank God I am happily married to a wonderful man who is also the best lover I've ever had. I have beautiful children and am so thankful I didn't end up with that douchebag from my teenage years!

  55. Late to this party as usual. But I have a really interesting "loosing it" story. Readers digest version: I am a freshman in college (late to the loosing it party too, natch). I take an art class, class takes a day trip to NCY to go to Met. I pack a bag, having contacted an old friend from home who is going to NYU and living in frat warehouse. I meet this man (he was like 22, I was 17) on steps of Met, take off with him never stepping foot in the museum. Fuck school, I'm off to get laid.

    Later that same night, after taking my very first ever hit of acid, I give up my virginity to the one and only monster cock of my life. And tripping made that fucker look even bigger than it was, and it was plenty big without the help of the mind altering substance. You want to put that where? After it was over (and a very interesting trip it was, yes, and that is a much longer story), and I asked him to please check that he had managed to remove all of himself from out of my vajayjay (cause it still felt like there was something in there, believe me). Next day (or three) I walked like I'd just gotten off the world's longest trail ride.

    It was a weekend of firsts. I haven't really been able to go back to NYC since then, and that was more than 20 years ago. Ah, I remember it like it was yesterday....I told you I had no filter. Believing me now, Arizona? ;)

  56. Oh how cliche we were. Senior prom night at a hotel his mom rented for us, knowing what would happen. My parental units knew what was up too. There really is no modesty in my life. I was 17 he was 18, we still joke about me being jailbait at the time. He was kind of awesome at getting me off, so the oral came first. My first oral experience too. We tried to have sex it was painful because he's freaking huge, and he cared so much he lost his "mojo." We cuddled and fell asleep and I woke up and attacked him in the middle of the night, and although it was still painful it was better. We have done the "practiced until it rocked" thing too. It wasn't always perfect, and it sometimes even still hurts, cause my hubby is hung. I'm glad I knew what the reality was, and although the first time wasn't spectacular it isn't a bad memory. We were in love and still are. We got married in january around four years later, and we are still as happy as ever and humping like bunnies to boot! I'd like to think we made our own version of E and B.

  57. @vermonstermom4edward "Later that same night, after taking my very first ever hit of acid" Now THAT would be a whole other blog post/comments of teenage memories!

  58. Man I feel boring by comparison!
    I was 18, he was 20. We had been hooking up on and off for about 4 months. I always said that I wanted my first to be my last, and this guy was so sweet, I had a feeling about him. We decided we would do it one night after going to the pub, I was aware that it would more than likely hurt but was that horny I didn't really care. I was well on my way to drunk when we left the pub. I tried to jump him halfway home but him being a gentleman made me wait, said I would regret my first time being in the back seat of a car. It hurt, but not the worst pain I've felt, no blood.
    10 years later we have been married 4 years and I'm 10 weeks pregnant expecting our first child (evidently hubs has super-sperm, only took one go to knock me up).

  59. Eden (@defenderofmice)November 4, 2010 at 1:52 PM

    I was just barely sixteen and wanted to get rid of the fucker so it would stop hanging over my head. My boyfriend at the time was also a virgin, so we were on an even playing field.

    The setting:
    Under a massive tree behind the graveyard that was next to my house in the bush. Hurricane Hugo was petering out (heh heh), and it was pitch black, raining sideways (I was due for my period, so figured this was a safer time in the cycle, and stubborn), howling wind. We had thought to bring my childhood My Little Pony comforter, which I had stashed in the garage ahead of time, but being a twin-size, it didn’t really protect us from the, um, elements.

    Pretty sure the parents knew something was up. Who goes for a walk at 9:00 during the tail-end of a hurricane (granted it was downgraded to Very Bad Storm by that point)?

    The style at that time was to take your jean legs in from the knee down so that it was nearly impossible to force a foot through the ankle opening. As a result, I was unable to remove said jeans all the way, and they hung off my left foot inside out. Sexy.

    It was short and shivery. Literally. Teeth-chatteringly, blue-lipped kissing and iron determination from me to just get the deed done. The condom broke, possibly because it froze, but we pressed on (*snicker*), though being a gentleman, he asked if it was okay to continue, and tried to shield me from the weather. Sweet lad.

    Regrets? #1: Doing it there; I never felt ‘welcome’ in the graveyard again. It had been my place to go think, go jog, from age 6. Plus, dude had this super-sweet shag-carpeted secret hangout he’d constructed in the attic of his parents’ garage. If I’d known about it then, I’d have waited the extra month. #2: I wish someone had told us about lube. Though he wasn’t completely though puberty (my attempt at politely referring to his size), it still hurt like a motherfucker.

    After all these years? We’re still friends. (And I still have the comforter!)

    Plus, skinny jeans are back in style; the other week while gettin' down, being an impatient sort in that arena, I left the jeans hanging off my left foot and burst out a quick chorus of "Like A Virgin". The Boy damn near laughed his ass off.

  60. you guys have to read this story!!


  61. Is it wrong that I'm 23 and have nothing to tell about this?

  62. This seriously should be printed and handed out to all high school girls for realz..

    I was 14 he was 17....He was my BF for many months. We had gone to church that day, it was raining and we went to his parents house. His room was downstairs. My dad, when he had explained how "things" worked told me that it would hurt really bad and there would be A LOT of blood. I think he was trying to scare me a little and he did but I was going to do it anyway..I was so tense in bracing for all the pain and blood though,he almost wasn't able to get it in! I think I had my eyes clamped shut. I was also convinced that everyone especially my grandmother would "know" that I would be seen as a ho for not waiting until my wedding night. It was over soon and not really memorable other than the clenching...It did get better over time, but I also felt like I had to marry him because I had slept with him, which I did. He was my first love and I did love him madly! We eloped a few months later ( I was 15!!! WTF?) in Mexico.....that was crazy. We stayed married for 3 years, but seriously we were YOUNG.

    And@23 Anon above me. There is nothing wrong...it will happen when it happens!

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  64. First time...'88, weekend before my high school grad. He was a virgin too, but we were very open about a lot of stuff (ie--the prelude to it all was the kitchen/fridge scene in 9 1/2 Weeks, no kidding!). No music, which shocks me to this day. My parent & brothers were out of town and I claimed to have too much grad prep to do. Really, he & I had talked earlier in the week about "Throwing away our virginity together".
    Funny things I remember: the moon, it was HUGE through my bedroom window and I was on top! Seriously! And he was HUGE (even though I had seen it before, somehow lying in an actual bed was an entirely different situation than a car or whatever), so we tried and tried and we thought that we'd completed it...

    Then, a few days later at his house, we decided to give it another go and I knew that, without a doubt (OUCH!), the cherry had been obliterated. There was blood everywhere, it was horrific, especially since his Mom (my ballet instructor...argh) was due to come home soon! Yikes.

    We had a lot of fun together...off & on for several years we'd always wind up back together. I miss the hell out of him, but we both knew that we had too many disagreements to end up as a permanent couple.
    Aaaah, youth...

  65. My virgin story is so far from B&E I'm surprised that we are talking about the same planet.

    I was 23 and had just recently lost 80 lbs. Having always been the fat girl no one would ever want and being surrounded by my friends who had like 2 kids each by then I was getting a bit angsty thinking I would die alone. So I pick up move three states away where no one will ever know what I was and try like the devil to find an interested male. He was 28 and a friend of a friend. I wasn't really interested, but he bought me flowers. So, I farced him to do me. No romance, no protection (stupid), no pain, no blood and no love.

    Yep, that's how it went, he kept saying sex ruins relationships, but I really think that the fact that I got pregnant, miscarried and later found out that he was a registered sex offender (child abuser) that really wrecked our "relationship".

  66. My virgin story is so far from B&E I'm surprised that we are talking about the same planet.

    I was 23 and had just recently lost 80 lbs. Having always been the fat girl no one would ever want and being surrounded by my friends who had like 2 kids each by then I was getting a bit angsty thinking I would die alone. So I pick up move three states away where no one will ever know what I was and try like the devil to find an interested male. He was 28 and a friend of a friend. I wasn't really interested, but he bought me flowers. So, I farced him to do me. No romance, no protection (stupid), no pain, no blood and no love.

    Yep, that's how it went, he kept saying sex ruins relationships, but I really think that the fact that I got pregnant, miscarried and later found out that he was a registered sex offender (child abuser) that really wrecked our "relationship".

  67. It was 1 week before my 16th birthday and I had asked my girlfriends (who were all trollops)what it would feel like and they prepared me for the experience.
    He was 17, experienced, really good looking, and very willing. He knew it would be my 1st time, so he took care of details like candles, music, privacy. As he was beginning he kept saying that it would hurt but only for a moment. He also kept saying how good it felt but it hurt like hell for me. I lied and said it was great. Then the perv asked if he could stick it in my butt! Eww. My trollop friends prepared me for that too. They said that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you let a boy put anything there. After all you don't want him to think you are a slut?! We"dated" for like 6 months because he lived in a different town and long distance relationships NEVER work out.


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