Monday, February 21, 2011

Small-Talk FAIL: Waxing Edition

Back when I got my lady-bits de-fuzzed last year (and lived to tell the tale right here - much to the horror of Sister Snarky and assorted RL friends), something...happened... Something I didn't talk about at the time (too annoyed!)... But it's stuck with me all this time and since I had a harrowingly busy day at work today (NO, I didn't have President's Day off like Jenny Jerkface and Latchkey Wife and everyone else I know - thanks for asking!), I've decided that now's the time to vent. Rant ON!

Take my hand, come back in time with me, and let me set this up for you:

Scene: Snarkier Than You, nekkid from the waist down save for a scrap of tissue on a string that supposedly passes for "disposable underwear," is bracing herself for her first-ever Brazillian wax. Mentally and physically. Aside from what I was certain would be a decent amount of real-life "JMFHFOMFGTHATFUCKINGHUUUUURTS!!!"-Defcon 5-level real owwie-ness, I'm steeling myself for my first real face-to-cooter meet-up with an aesthetician. I am, in short, nervous as a cat in a roomful of rockers on all counts.

The woman who owns the salon - Zuzanna - is older and of Eastern European descent. She clearly knows her way around a hoo-hoo, and her no-nonsense, professional, "I've seen all this a million times"-style puts me as much at ease as one can be in this type of a situation. I'm laying back, legs splayed, and she prepares to get down to business on my business. And then she says it - the words that haunt me to this day; the ones that put me in a tizzy after I recovered from the blow-torch-like after-burn of the waxing itself -

So, do you have any children???

I should make it absolutely, positively, 100% clear that at the time this seemingly-innocuous and possibly-at-any-other-time benign inquiry was uttered, Zuzanna's face was approximately three inches away from my crotch, and she probably had a clear line of vision directly into my uterus (she could probably see clear up to my tonsils, for goodness sakes). Given that, it seemed - to me - like a wildly inappropriate time to ask if I had ever squeezed anything the size of several bowling balls strung together - or, let's say a watermelon - out of that particular orifice. It added insult to injury - to say nothing of the fact that she was about to commence using hot wax to rip out hundreds of hairs from the most delicate area imaginable - that when I said "No," a look of concern - regret? - and then perhaps pity for posing this question to the clearly barren woman who obviously has to get her privates polished to make up for the fact that she will never bear offspring.

I guess it's my fault for not having this Get-Out-of-Awkwardness-Free Card tucked away somewhere in the back of my little paper g-string...

I am at an age where if I had wanted kids, I would have probably had them by now. As I explained to Sister Snarky back when she razzed me over it, our blog blurb that says "We're a bunch of over-thirty chicks who never meant to fall in love with Twilight" IS accurate! Over 40 IS still over thirty; and besides, I was 39 when we started this crazy blog. So there. You do the math. Anyhoo, I've noticed that people aren't sure what to make of it when they attempt to make small talk by asking about my theoretical children only to find that I don't have any.

Let me state definitively that small-talk-wise, regardless of whether the person doing the asking has intimate, up-close knowledge of your nether-region parts that you will only ever see for yourself in a mirror or not, this is a loaded gun of a subject. I don't know if maybe Zuzanna was absent the day at school where they taught every other person who has ever cut my hair, given me a pedicure, or cleaned my teeth to say "So, do you have any vacation plans coming up?" (unless it is anywhere near Christmas, in which case "So, are you ready for the holidays?" may be used interchangeably), or maybe they just don't teach that at whatever no-nonsense Soviet-era beauty-school gulag where she learned her trade. I'd also like to note for the record that you can hold the small talk - period! - all I really want to do at times like these is read a magazine, listen to my ipod, or dig my fingernails into my palms and wait for whatever it is you are doing to be over, thank you very much. No offense.

But if you are thisclose to my girly bits and ask me if I have kids? Instant complex. I mean, what the fuck?! Why would you say such a thing?! Does it look like the Holland Tunnel down there??? Was she making small talk only to see if there would be an echo?! I happen to know that my bits and pieces are in mighty fine shape and none of that could possibly be the case, but I still have the urge to go back and ask her what exactly she was thinking when she asked me that... And when I said "no."

Yup, I'm going to get on that... Right after I do my Kegels.

P.S. As proof that Robert Pattinson is EVERYWHERE and Twilight continues to take over the universe, I found the pic below on the second page of my google-image search for a funny Kegels image. I don't even want to know.

You look like you've squeezed out four puppies and a kitten, max, STY...


  1. She was trying to distract you. I guess that worked, like a year later.

    Every time Janet rips off my 'stach and chinny-chin-chin hairs, I think of you.

  2. I have a feeling we'd get along very well in real life STY ;) Besides the no-small-talk rule, I too have no children (and don't plan to ever have any.) And not only do I HATE when people ask me about my theoretical kids, but I also think it is wildly inappropriate to even ask! It's almost like asking a woman you don't know if she's pregnant... you never never do such a thing unless you want to risk painful death!!!!

  3. Yeah, the aestheticians are like the women who do your mammograms . . . they just chat you up to put you at ease and distract you while they are handling your lady parts!

    Come to think of it, I dated a few guys with a similar approach - way back in the olden days! Whatever. It works for me!

    wv: singen Talking I can do, but I won't be singen while I'm getting my cootie-hairs ripped out by their roots!

  4. Oh STY...I love you so hard. I FLOVE the small talk at the waxer! It's prolly my fave thing about it! Just this past Friday, for my cat wax, I was chit-chatting with Frances (who is in her 30s and has braces...) and it's always hilarious to me when we start talking. I'm perfectly aware that I am not normal. She tells me all the time.

    F: So Lindsay, when is your wedding again? *As she reaches to rip a strip from my shebang*

    L: I'll tell you in a minute.



    F: Woah. That's a new one.

    L: September 10.

    Truly, I'm a relatively quiet waxee. There are only 2 spots that make me yelp, but other than that, I'm totally conversant. I could be on the phone with my mommypants while getting waxed. I'm just a freak like that. Maybe it's the two 800 Ibuprophrens and a shot of Jameson I take before I go over...

  5. I think it's the culture AND the beauty industry. The Asian manicurists I get are often socially inappropriate. I told one that I adopted my daughter (after asking if I had children, naturally) and she acted like I stole the kid and hardly spoke to me the rest of the time. Which is how I prefer my few-and-far-between beauty treatments - QUIET!

  6. Awkward!

    I had a brazillian for the first time two weeks ago. I thought of you as I was waxed and was grateful for the advice that was offered in that post and it's comments.

    But the ingrowns, people! Tips please!

  7. "Was she making small talk only to see if there would be an echo?"

    Oh. My. Gawd. I nearly pee'ed my pants! (And thankfully I'm wearing nice big ones today...)

    I hate small talk - period. I just have no interest in finding out where my hairdresser / beautician / dentist is going on holiday, nor do I have any desire go share anything of myself (and most certainly not anything about my alter ego!)

    Just get the job done, take my hard-earned cash and let me leave, thank you very much.

    Oh, and under NO circumstances ask me about my family. I'm here for ME-TIME and they're not allowed to come with me.

    Thanx for making me laugh!

    CC x

  8. Yeah, I'd chalk it up to small talk. Perhaps not the appropriate question at that particular junction, but I'm sure the question had no relation to how your girly bits appeared.

    There are some questions that just shouldn't be asked. How old are you? how much do you weigh? How far along are you? Those kind of questions are rarely appreciated..

    When I was xmas party dress shopping with my younger gf, the idiot salesgirl asked if I was her mother. Wha? Excuse me? Yes, I had her when I was 10, thank you for asking. Bitch.

  9. I agree with Smitten, the comment wasn't prompted by the appearance of your lady bits. There are other ways of getting children without pushing them out. Adoption, marriage, c-section, eBay... It's just small talk, extremely uncomfortable, awkward small talk. I could do without it as well. Really, they don 't care about my home life and I am not interested in theirs. Just perform the service I'm paying for and get me out of here ASAP.

  10. STY, I puffy heart you!

    I am getting to that age where it is "shit of get of the pot" with having my own kiddos.

    I HATE when someone asks me if I have kids and then when I say no they give me that look and say - well there is still time.

    I have a slight case of CDO (OCD) and by nature am completely paranoid - (did I leave on the curling iron/are the doors unlocked/did I set my alarm clock/is that wrinkle cream I spent $50 on working???)

    So when someone asks me if I have kids and I say no then I automatically think they are judging me negatively or worse - think I look every bit of my 30+ years. (Ding Ding Ding - that is the real reason I don't have kids - I am shallow and vain!)

    You did much better than me in that situation - my trigger that controls brain to mouth functions is faulty and I would have said something totally offensive/awkward.

    Sort of like the time a lady told me I looked like Monica Lewinsky and my immediate response was to look at my hubby and say "You asshole, I thought you said this dress didn't make me look fat!" (Yep, shallow and vain.) Then the lady tried to make it better by saying she thought Monica was pretty. I made it worse. "So you think I look like a whore???" Did I mention this all took place in an elevator?

    Yeah, I don't do well with mindless chit chat either.


  11. My two least favorite questions now...

    So are you married? Dating? AND
    Do you have any children?

    Then I reply "nope and I never want children." then I get the look and the line "oh you'll change your mind."

    UHMMMM...NO I WON'T!! I have been saying this since I was probably like 10 years old!! That's almost 20 solid years of the same outlook. So it's not changing.

    Hate them!

    P.S. That does seem like a really strange topic to discuss while getting waxed at all, let alone your vajay-jay.

  12. I hate small talk and I'm really bad at it, therefore I come across aloof and snotty because I can't make "polite" conversation. My waxer would never need to ask me if I ever had children; the 8 miles of stretch marks and loose skin are dead giveaways.

    On the other hand, in my job I have to examine ladybits and I'm always amazed at the verbage that comes out of my patient's mouths. One day I was taking a cervical swab for STD testing on a young woman and she asked me if she "smells bad down there because my boyfriend told me it stunk when he went down on me last night." Sorry, I wasn't about to take a big whiff. I try NOT to smell the vag when I'm down there.

  13. OMG! I'm cracking up here. What a question to ask when you're in that position. I think my vag would have blushed red even before the "procedure" was even started.

    Don't you wish you flipped off a comment like: "Yes, I have 10 children. But it still looks tight doesn't it!"

  14. Bwahahahahaha! I hate to think what she would say if she looked at mine.....come to think of it I haven't looked at mine in a while. After having children you kind of don't want to. I have yet to do the waxing thing...not because I don't want to but because of the cost...$80/per here in Seattle....

    I have a friend who is an Esthetician....she was telling me how gross it is during the summer months.....I will let your imaginations work out the rest.

  15. "Was she making small talk only to see if there would be an echo?!" - Fucking died laughing at this line! Just be glad she didn't mutter something like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?? LOL! I would have DIED! This is possibly the reason I'm deathly afraid of visiting Brazil... that and having my bum hole waxed. Yeesh.

  16. Even if she was just trying to make small talk, that particular topic was definitely the wrong one. People in general are social douche nozzles. I get asked at least twice a week, while out with my kids, if they are ALL mine. I really just wanna say, "Nope, I like kidnapping small children just to take them all grocery shopping. Can't you see how much fun I'm having?" When I smile & say yes, the next question inevitably is. "Oh my, how old are you?" Isn't that just something you never ask a complete stranger? After this, the suspect either walks away, or the questions get outright bizarre. Today, someone asked if they all had the same daddy.

  17. After having pushed four 8-pounders out of my hoo-haw, it looks like the Chainsaw Massacre took place in my formerly delicate ladybits. What the pregnancy books don't tell you: it never goes back to normal. Ever. I wouldn't get a Brazilian even if Rob himself were offering to give me one. That shit needs covered up but good. However, I could possibly think of some other uses for hot wax, me, and SexGodRob...

  18. Just for the record, your lady bits don't always change after having kids. Mine look pretty much exactly the same and the hubs swears it feels the same. I'm sure that the question had nothing to do with the appearance of your coochie. As stated above, it was just inappropriate small talk.
    I tend to ask people if they have kids when they're my age and I don't know them very well. After reading the posts, I think I will come up with a new get-to-know-you question! Thanks for the alternate viewpoint, my sweet h00rs. xoxo

  19. To my other sister, Snarky, I also do not have children, do not plan to have children and have never planned to have children. When I was a child I never played with baby dolls and when we played house I was always.... the family dog. Not kidding.

    I love my niece and my pseudo nephew but that is about all I can take :) My real sister is also the same way. Thank goodness my parents never thought about grandchildren - we were all very lucky.

  20. @dangrdafne - starting to think we were separated at birth - lol... i was definitely the same way as a kid and am with you in your current take - i have six nieces and nephews and a very VERY spoiled cat (and husband - lol) - i'm good!

    : )


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