Sunday, February 20, 2011

Something Smells Fishy

You know when you wish you could un-see something? This is that post. The research that went into writing this has broken me. As soon as this post goes live I am cracking open that Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy kit I purchased from Guatemala.

I'm not much of a perfume person. I like it, but I never remember to put it on in the morning. My memory is shit. At least twice a week I try to leave the house in a bathrobe. No exaggeration. My fail knows no bounds.

I never tried the Twilight perfume. I figured it must smell like an odd combination of ass and abstinence. It probably contains anti-pheromones to fend off any suitors with impure intentions. I prefer to be ostracized and treated like shit for my personality, not my smell.

"I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, but your perfume smells like hippo vomit."

I want to go back to the days when the Twilight perfume was the most vile smelling thing I could imagine. Those days are gone. [Cue dramatic music.] I present to you: Eau de Pussy.

I'll give you a moment to process.

Like me, your first thought is probably "WHAT. THE. FUCK?" You'll be sorry you asked.

I can't even...

"Your hand smells like what?"

I have to say, I would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall in the lab that developed this. I'm imagining phrases being thrown around like, "Too much sandalwood. Add more vagina juice." Then you have to wonder about those smell testers. Did they have to sniff a bunch of dick mittens and compare it to the samples? What does a job like that pay? Do they have a dental plan? Maybe they would just give you a dental dam and send you on your way. But I digress...


If you are smart, you will never, EVER Google "I smell pussy."

What is the one thing that could make this product more gruesome? A commercial. There are apparently several commercials, but I couldn't look at any others after this one violated my brain. I made Mr. TK watch it (because I'm mean like that) and he keeps wandering around the house grumbling about "fucking bicycle seats." It probably goes without saying, but a video about whisker biscuit pan drippings is NSFW. I had to shower immediately after watching this. J/s.




I'm 98% certain most of the people who purchased this product do not look like the man in the commercial. I'm 105% certain that most of the people who purchased this product have never smelled real lady juice, sweaty or otherwise. (I just threw up in my mouth again.) If this company was smart, they'd team up with Hustler and rig the magazines to explode with ten million sample cards like some kind of depraved jack-in-the-box. Let's be honest, their target demographic is individuals who are home-bound due to their morbid obesity. The rest of us are looking to NOT smell like they just left a brothel on half-price night.

The only positive thing I can say about this is that I now know I can use my feminine secretions as a form of currency in the coming zombie apocalypse. As long as RPattz keeps doing photo shoots, I'll live like a queen.

What are your thoughts? Will you be dabbing a bit of clit extract behind your ears before your next trip to the grocery store? Perhaps you could spritz some cooter nectar on your clavicle before a budget meeting. The applications are endless.

Here's a little something to cleanse your palate and get your *coughcough* juices flowing.


48 comments:

  1. yeah, i rode my bike today and the only thought about the area down there I had was how much desitin I was going to need to stop the pain.

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  2. Jesus effin christ. I almost had an aneurysm reading that post. For fuck's sake what the fuck? See? I'm so verklempt I can't even...oh lord. You really can't unring a bell. I'm gonna need my blankie and I'll come back when it's safe to rejoin the human race. Frankly I'm hoping for zombies now.

    Violhaine

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  3. Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Im laughing so hard that my hubs is annoyed & threatening to have me instititionalized.(Side note - He just doesn't get it.)

    This is a truly heinous product and it raises a question I just have to ask....

    @tk, um, what exactly were you googling when you stumbled on this little gem?

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  4. I snorfed at the fact the video post sez "LiveLeak" in the top left corner!! I bet there's a barn somewhere with cooter juicers, like cows being milked! On the other side, great gift to give on April Fool's Day!!

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  5. As if I didn't have enough nausea already. I'm afraid that just one Rob-picture is not enough to undo the mental damage you just unleashed on us. I demand an entire post of nothing but deliciousness next.

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  6. If you find a cock stankin' cologne, can you plz tell me, cause I'm kill to put that in my Robp33n post!!!!

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  7. Seriously, WTF? Most people I know try to avoid smelling like a vag. Wouldn't want to work in the factory where "Vulva" is produced. Try explaining that one away on the way home on the subway/bus/train/whatever...

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  8. I am ROTFLMAO!!!!! That was hysterical!!

    Keye

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  9. I love to squirt on some pussy before meeting @AGirlintheSouth for a wee drink. We often compare pussy scents to see whose smells better. Totes normal Saturday night out for us.

    X

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  10. Well...I had to have The Bentist read the post. And watch the video. Because that's what true love is for. I would have DIED if he licked the seat. D.I.E.D.

    I think I would be afraid to wear Vulva...Not because of the dicks who would be following me around, but for all the scary lesbians in town. They are crazy scary. We're talking flannel, mullets, and combat boots.

    It might be a handy dandy blackmail tool, though. Those days the boss pisses you off? *Spritz* as he's walkin' away. Now those possibilities are endless.

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  11. That was hilarious. Seriously!

    I shall never shower again and sell my own vaginal cream.

    Or perhaps a dip of some sort? Vagimole?

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  12. So, is Summer's Eve the antidote?

    That's disgusting. I couldn't not watch the video. What a pervy trainer. I just kept yelling "NO!" at the computer. *shudder* I'm off to shower now.

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  13. Well, that was disgusting.TK never disappoints.


    xx

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  14. I read a book once that suggested best perfume in the world was a dab of your own lady juice behind each ear. Can't say I've tried it myself & definitely wouldn't buy anyone else's lady juice.

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  15. I was afraid I would wake my children up with the snorting coming from the living room -- wait -- no! you dirty minded people! That is not what I meant!!! I cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard! I LOVE this blog ;-)

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  16. I read the first paragraph and seriously paused and considered stopping right there. (I remember other posts and how I needed brain bleach afterwards.) But nooooo! I had to read the whole thing AND watch the video. WTF??? When will I learn?

    That is just wrong, TK. On so many levels. Just . . . no. No.

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  17. They should have just called the bottled scent "Douchebag".

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  18. If my head didn't hurt so bad, I'd be laughing like crazy!! You're right about the demographic. They really need to put them in the girlie mags to sell, because it is for the people who aren't gettin' any!!

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  19. @allaboutdharma

    BAHAHAHAHAHA!!

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  20. OH.MAH.GAWD......
    a distressed refrain of "no, no, no,no..OH HELL NO" through the entire viewing of that video.

    big fat Toey tears of laughter streaming down my face.


    WV: Sente.....I will be waving a bike seat perfumed with the sente of vag to attract the Precious.

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  21. Imagine working there. Or worse, being some single guy working there. How do you get past the "what do you do for a living" first date small talk?

    Gah-ross!

    TK, you are one crazy h00r.

    But what about the logo? Ewwww...

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  22. Ewww!! *shudders*

    "Too much sandalwood. Add more vagina juice." LOL!!!

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  23. Wha? I just. Can't. Wha? Ew. Huh? Why?

    That is all.

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  24. After reading the name of the product, Vulva: Original, my first thought was, did they follow it up with other vaginal scents? Like Vulva: Yeast, or Vulva: Menses? How bout Vulva with a hint of Chlamydia, and a touch of trichomoniasis! Can't wait for that one!!

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  25. Im ....I...welp, firstly...I think *holds back puke* the uh name ...needs help...here are some better rec. ...Scent of A Woman.. Sweet Spot ....A Labia of Love..Passionate Pussy.....now those are nice....but really what gets me is the mind altering shit pouring through my brain..Cheese Wiz....Swamp Vag.....Smadge D'toilet.....Au d Clam Chowder......Firecrotch.....now,...my brain won't stop...but I will.....Thanks TK. Now every time I put on perfume I'm going to think of this....Off to shower...and put on my very best perfume....Juicy Cooter.....I mean Couture......I need brain bleach ....stat.

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  26. @Double Dickin [*wink*]- "Juicy Cooter" - bwahahahahaaaa!!

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  27. HOLY. SHIT. No fucking way. BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I don't want to know how you came across this but it is HILARIOUS!

    *SNORT* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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  28. And this is why I absolutely LOVE this community! Thank you TexasKatherine, you have just found the birthday gift that I will be purchasing for my best friend this year!

    Last year, I purchased him the Natural Harvest: Cooking with Cum cookbook thanks to the Twigasm podcast (miss those ladies) and I think this will absolutely top that present!

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  29. still looking for my vampFebruary 21, 2011 at 1:14 PM

    I got to the picture of Vulva, and told myself to turn away. To quit Firefox and don't go on. But....like a bad car accident, I had to keep looking.

    Absolutely hysterical, but I have been scarred for life.

    I would love to see their sales figures and demographics of buyers.

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  30. So I've been without internet access for the weekend (except my phone but I couldn't watch the video on my phone)....now I really want to un-see that video... one of the most disturbing things I've seen EVER. WHAT. THE. FUCK??! Why was I in such a hurry to get to my computer to see THAT? {{searches for sharp object to jab in my eyeballs}}

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  31. so fkg hilarious!!!! i totally thought the dude was going to lick the bicycle seat!

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  32. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  33. Few things leave my jaw on the floor! Especially after being a faithfil Twitarded follower, y'all never cease to amaze me.

    But this did!

    I'm going to try to pry my chin off the floor now.

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  34. Holy shit! I can't believe this but then again.... Thank God I swallowed my wine before reading or it would have ended up all over my laptop! 'Cooter nectar' ROFLMAO

    TK, at least you left us with a hot shot of RPattz.

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  35. Okay, here's the thing that totally fucking baffles me about the advertisement. He has the VAGINA, people. Like, the real thing that is riding the bike and smiling all coyly at him and he chooses to sniff the bicycle seat??? Why didn't he just sniff the real thing.

    Um. I'm clearly thinking too deeply about this. And it's disturbing.

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  36. This reminds me of some of the fanfics I have read when Edward goes down on Bella, BUT FIRST....inhales so he can smell her scent....ewwwww. Also, when they lick the fingers clean - just....so....gross.
    This just scares me about some men.
    Anyhoo...topic change. THANK you for recommending The Hunger Games. I am reading it now & it is pretty amazing. You ladies always deliver, even if it's Eau de Vajayjay!

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  37. I think it's somehow wrong that the only thing I can think about now is that bicycle Rob bought in Louisiana and how it probably smells like his sweaty man sacks yet....I'd totally sniff that seat.

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  38. OH.MY.GOD....I'm laughing so hard I'm choking....and OMFG what is there a commercial?

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  39. @Porphyrias_Curse - oh that is one sick thought that I'd actually entertain too. Somebody tell me we aren't as disgusting as they pervy guy in the commercial, please!

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  40. Who the fuck are these wackos? And how desperate of an actor do you have to be to take the role of "guy who sniffs crotchy smelling bike seat"?
    Fucking hilarious!

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  41. My computer is acting like a fuckwad and won't load that commercial, but I can't say I'm too sad about that....I have to go lie down now, I am in physical pain from laughing so hard. TK, you rock so fucking hard. I bow to you. And I'd smell Rob's bicycle seat, too, JS.

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  42. So sick and so wrong, yet totally awesome. The post made me laugh and the comments almost had me in tears!! I love you ladies!

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  43. OH.MAH.GAWD......
    a distressed refrain of "no, no, no,no..OH HELL NO" through the entire viewing of that video.

    big fat Toey tears of laughter streaming down my face.


    WV: Sente.....I will be waving a bike seat perfumed with the sente of vag to attract the Precious.

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  44. @allaboutdharma

    BAHAHAHAHAHA!!

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  45. I read a book once that suggested best perfume in the world was a dab of your own lady juice behind each ear. Can't say I've tried it myself & definitely wouldn't buy anyone else's lady juice.

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  46. They should have just called the bottled scent "Douchebag".

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  47. I am ROTFLMAO!!!!! That was hysterical!!

    Keye

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