Friday, April 29, 2011

Twitarded Trauma Triage Opens November 19, 2011

In general, I tend to have low expectations of things, whether its people or books or movies. It's simple really - if I think something is going to suck hairy balls and it's only mildly lame, I consider that a win. Call me a pessimist, a negative Nelly, whatever -- I've just learned that having high expectations of things generally leads to being highly disappointed and I don't enjoy disappointment. There's just something to be said about keeping the bar so low, even the shit rises above it.

I've made no secret about the fact that I think Breaking Dawn is going to be approximately two hours of complete and total mind-fuckingly ridiculous suckage. I don't want it to be - don't get me wrong. If I had my way, in some whimsical world where Summit spent their energy focusing on the movie rather than racing around the interwebs attempting to sue the pants off of their fans, then Breaking Dawn would be Awesome. The costumes would look great, the cinematography breath-taking. And the sex scenes! Actually, if I had my way, there would be full frontal nudity of all the Cullen men. For two hours.

Hey Summit - stop worrying about those pictures you leaked and use the money that you're paying your lawyers to find a wig-maker that won't make Jasper look like he's got a fucking Shih Tsu glued to his head, m'kay?

Jasper's wig.

 I have to admit I got a little excited when I saw the leaked pictures. Headboards, feathers, moles and naked bodies... I dusted the dirt off my bar and raised it up about an inch. Then the thought occurred to me that maybe those leaked pictures were of scenes that were cut from the film. The bar was lowered. Again.

I wonder if they realize there will be fucking riots if they cut the fade-to-black. Is that even possible? If it is, Summit will accomplish it. I think they might even be handing out chastity belts at the premiere or something.

Anyway, I know that a few of you share my skepticism about Breaking Dawn. You're worried that they're going to fuck up and ruin the magic that is the Twilight Saga.

I have a feeling you're right.

Does that look eggs to you??? Yeah, me neither.

Because I've heard some mutterings of discontent among the twi-masses regarding this upcoming movie, we've decided that Twitarded is going to be a refuge center of sorts come November 19th**.  We want your disgruntled masses! Hated that they dressed Alice like a douchebag again? Appalled by the stark contrast between Rosalie's black brows and blonde hair? Come here and spill in the comments!

In the meantime, let's keep trying to convince Summit that they should hire some of us as counsel. I have a feeling they're going to need it.

Regardless, I'll be there on opening night, decked out in my twi-gear with my flask safely hidden in my purse, ready to watch the first half of Breaking Dawn. I think the full title is actually Breaking Dawn: Before the Spawn. But I'm not sure.

** - The first person who calls us out on completely forgetting about this by the time November rolls around will win a prize. It's called an upper decker. We'll just need your home address in order to send it to you...


  1. Well I'm so convinced that BD is going to suck I'm not even going to see it. I hated the book & I have no intention of subjecting myself to 2 hours of crap!

  2. I'm actually looking forward to BD I & II. But I'm the opposite of you JJ. I'm an optimist - most of the time. But I know where you're coming from girl 'cause Scummit has done us wrong so many times, I can't keep them straight. But, I'm still hopeful. Can't help it, it's just the way I am. BTW, I lost it when I saw the "Jasper's wig" pic!! ROFLMFAO!!!! JJ, you kill me every time!

  3. Hmm...I clicked on the wrong thing to show my user name. I'm having issues correcting it. NE Reinhardt = IGiveUp

  4. I'm confused...what's this fancy commenting shit?

    Back to so many things that went wrong in the previous three movies, I think we'll still continue to love it, even if it sucks. Plus, it's kinda fun to make fun of the movies as a whole. I guess I'm already expecting to have a love hate relationship with BD 1 & 2.......I digress.

    xo J

  5. Still confused. This new comment thingy asked for my email address...which is, but my blog is Twired. Where's my avi? Yooo hooo? *Looks around, scratches head*

  6. The movie can't be much worse than the book. Even if, according to KStew in this Week's EWeekly, there's no blood vomiting. I mean, that should have been the highlight of the movie.Now all we have left are PG 13 "love" scenes and a slightly blood drenched birth.
    After seeing Mr. Rathbone's blond hair last month, I don't think we have to worry about the ShihTsu hair. Then again, it would be like Summit to toss in a wig just for fun...

    Me likey the new comment feature! 'Cause I wasn't spending enough time on Twitarded before.

  7. I remember having low expectations for New Moon. That was the book I hated the most, and came out shocked. So far, that one has been my favorite movie. I'm holding onto a shread of hope that these final movies will be decent. I'm sure I'll be seeing each one more than once anyways.

    JJ- I vote we change the title from Breaking Dawn Part 1 to Breaking Dawn: Before The Spawn. Epic kick assery!

  8. Discovering that if you have a Disqus account already, it won't accept your google account. I deal with user-unfriendly software on a daily basis and I really would like to strangle a whole lot of programmers. Went to a tongue-in-cheek presentation on the "Dark Arts" of web programming yesterday and discovered a lot of this crap is done on purpose. Thanks, douche bags.

    I am even more impressed that the Twitard Triumvirate managed this on their own. Good job, hoors!

  9. WTF is with this comment box?!?!? I don't understaaaaaaaand it's so new but so pretty! And OMG I can add an image?! I might just do that for shits and giggles. A totally random one too.

    Now that that is out of the way, I feel better. I totally thought I was the only one who notices that Rosalie held a close resemblence to Madonna back in the early 90's with her black eyebrows and blonde hair crap. Pretty sure I just pissed myself at "Jasper's wig"

    Breaking Dawn: Before the Spawn FTW!!!!
    (The picture I added was drawn by Texas Katherine. Her art is amazing)

  10. I can't believe we did this on our own, either! And i only sent out 14,857 emails to people who had previously posted comments when i did the import! WOOO!!! oops...

  11. NO BLOOD VOMITING?! oh come ON. yup it's gonna be bad.

  12. MyAfterCarIsAnXKRApril 30, 2011 at 3:35 PM

    I'm cautiously optimistic about BD. I don't know why. NM was the best made of all of the movies (by FAR), and of course they'd hire the best director on the worst book. Why, oh why, oh why couldn't CW do all five movies? Can you imagine the difference? No campy Sears-catalog snow around the tent in Eclipse, for one thing. No weird color lenses on the cameras (Dear Catherine, people are not Smurfs!).

    If they fade to black, heads will roll. I've got my pitchfork (/chainsaw/shovel) ready.

  13. I'm with you, JJ.... prepared to be pissed off by BD. Loved your subtitle. Already was resigned to the sex scenes being destroyed and now, what, no blood vomit?! There had better not be a half hour of Jacob frothing at the mouth pre-wedding, or mooning over Nessie in the womb, or I'll start going all Annie Oakley all over the theater screen. Rob has said BD1 was more like a straight up horror flick, so I hope it doesn't all wind up on the cutting room floor instead. New Moon was my least favorite book, too, as someone else said, and also my favorite movie, so far. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised by BD, too. That would be awesome.

  14. If we haven't read MOTU yet (Gasp!), how can we find the whole fic?

  15. Damn it... I asked this on the wrong post.


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