Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Beautiful Bastard is out today!

Cross-posted at Blogwaffles, too!

Guess what's out in stores today, people?
WTF is he doing with his sleeve and why can't I stop staring at it? Because UNGF.
That's right, the original Ficward, Beautiful Bastard, is here! In a real, live legal book that you can go buy and hold in your hands and everything! In fact, you should go buy it right now!

Or, walk right into your local book store and buy it there!

Seriously, folks, back in 2010 when I first got to the Twilight fandom, I never would have fathomed the day when all these fan fiction stories would be making actual paid writers out of fic authors. But it happened. Boy, did it happen. And now, here we are with our very own Beautiful Bastard out in stores today.

I think many of you reading this have read the original fic The Office by Tby789, back when it was around. For those of you who haven't read it and are curious about Beautiful Bastard, I can sum it up like this:

A strong young woman works for a gorgeous asshole at a big corporate firm. They can't stand each other, but they are desperately attracted to one another. A lot of fucking happens, but not just your run-of-the-mill wanky, boring amateurish fucking. Oh no, no, no.

Think of it this way--have you ever been super pissed off at your significant other, and then you get into a wicked argument and in the  middle of it think, "God damn, he (or she, as the case may be,) is so hot when he's angry?" And then you end up having sex on the kitchen table, in spite of how pissed off you are? And then when it's over, you're all, "Damn, I can't believe I just had sex with you, you bastard--I'm still pissed off that you put the potato masher in the wrong drawer. You don't live here all by yourself, you know."

Wait, that doesn't happen to you? It's just me? Hmm.

Well, it doesn't matter, because Beautiful Bastard is much hotter than that, and there are no potato mashers involved. Anywhere.
potatoe masher
This object does not appear anywhere in Beautiful Bastard.

Lots of writers write sex scenes. Fic writers write lemons. We all love a good lemon, right? Well, the thing that made Christina and Lauren such well-loved authors of fic is that those two can REALLY write sex scenes. And believe it or not, all that fantasy-indulging sex has a purpose--a point. Not just to titillate you, dear readers. There's a story here, between two strong-willed characters who find each other, fuck each other, and come to love each other in spite of themselves. But this ain't no schmaltzy two-bit romance, either. It's smart. It's funny. It indulges all the right emotional fantasies as well as the sexual ones. It's tongue-in-cheek, and it's tongue in other better places as well.

What I'm saying is, it's all that and a trip to the La Perla dressing room.

For those of you who have read The Office, let me tell you, Beautiful Bastard does a masterful job of keeping the spirit of The Office alive and well, yet it also updates and polishes it in ways that you'll definitely appreciate. It's been revised so there are plenty of new things to discover. The writing is as smart as ever and it's still funny. There are parts of this where you're going to literally LOL right before you gasp at how smutty something is, so don't read it at work. Okay, you can read it at work if you work from home or in the adult industry.

But trust me when I say, you will want to read it. Over and over again.

Tell me in the comments, did you order your copy of Beautiful Bastard yet? Did you read it? What other fic-turned-books have you read? What are you hoping makes the leap next?

Talk to me, people.


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Eight More Minutes of BD1! Coming March 2...

ZOMG! On March 2nd, we're going to get eight more minutes of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1. Eight minutes of what originally (wrongly) ended up on the cutting room floor. Eight minutes of Edward and Bella goodness. Eight minutes. EIGHT FUCKING MINUTES!

Do I really need to dish out $29.99 for eight more minutes on Blu-ray? HELLZ YEA I DO! I'll be tossing that puppy into my Walmart basket without a second thought. That's the thing with Twilight... I can feel poor and like I don't have a penny to spare, but I don't even bat an eye at buying yet another DVD or another movie ticket or another magazine featuring Edward's sparkly mug.

 Bill Condon says:
“As Twilight series devotees know, there was a lot of ground to cover in adapting Breaking Dawn to the screen,” said Condon. “Between the wedding, the honeymoon, the birth, and everything in between, naturally there were things that didn’t make it into our final cut. But I wanted to make sure that for all the Twihards out there, there was a chance to see some of these cut scenes – several of which are fan favorites from the book.”
So what are we going to get in that eight minutes? Eight more minutes of honeymoon headboard demolition? (Ohyespleaseohpleaseohplease) Eight more minutes of talking wolves? (Iwillseriouslycutabitch) Eight more minutes of bony broken Bella slurping blood through a bendy straw? (Interestingbutnothankyou) What could it be??

Come on, Twitards and tell us in the comments what you wish for in those eight beautiful bonus minutes!! I can think of a lots of wishes and I'm pretty sure they all involve Isle Esme...

Friday, December 21, 2012

Santa Loves Twilight! We Love Santa!

We here at Twitarded wish you all a very safe and happy holiday season. And because we love you and Twilight so much... here's a little gift.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Best gif EVER.


Photobucket ...somehow this is just "why we love him" all wrapped up into one impossible-to-look-away-from gif. {{{le sigh}}}

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Bill Condon Bids a Fond Farewell to the Saga

This letter from Bill Condon was posted on the Twilight Facebook page a couple of days ago (I think...wtf do I know about Facebook??? I am a fb holdout!) and it made me a little teary... Get the tissues out - again! *sigh*

Greetings To Our Global Twihard Family

by The Twilight Saga on Sunday, November 25, 2012 at 9:07am ·
Greetings to our global Twihard family,

On the flight now from Madrid to Berlin, I wanted to check in one last time, as you're finally getting a look at what we've all been working on so intensely.  It's hard to believe that after our Berlin premiere tonight, my TWILIGHT journey will finally come to a close.  It's been almost three years since I first wrote to you.  I'm very proud of what we've created together since then, and I hope that PART II fulfills your expectations for the grand finale to Stephenie's sprawling saga. Fingers crossed that you've also managed to stay at least mostly spoiler-free, in order to enjoy the twists and parting gifts we have in store for you...

Thank you again for making me feel like a member of your fandom family online...for sleeping in The Line in San Diego in order to laugh with us in Hall H...for traveling great distances to join us in L.A. for last year's Tent City and this year's Fan Camp.  Above all, thank you for trusting me with this universe you care so deeply about - we tried to match your intensity in our attention to every detail.  That said, I don't think I'll ever live down the shame of being spied on by Twihard covens around the world on our very first night of shooting in Rio.  Thanks to photos shot and instantly posted online of Bella and Edward on their honeymoon, we were called out in real time for missing a certain engagement ring...  (Sorry -- again!)

As with you all, what I'll take with me from my time in Forks are so many great friendships - our massive cast of talented actors, and new creative partners such as Melissa Rosenberg, Guillermo Navarro and Phil Tippett.  I hope to know them all for years and to work with them again soon, making movies yet to be dreamed up.  At the L.A. premiere Monday night, Phil said we should make a "bloody, giant monster movie."  But is there room for a musical number?

See you at the theatre.


Monday, November 26, 2012

More Bad Lip Reading: New Moon

Ok so we're a bit behind the times here what with that pesky holiday last week and all. But if you haven't seen it yet, feast your eyes on the latest gem from those hysterical Bad Lip Reading folks. Just make sure you don't have to pee because if you do, you're gonna go in your pants. This is some funny shit.

If I ever get a pet rabbit, I'm naming him Dougie.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Four Year, Five Movies and A Million Thanks!

Nearly four years ago, a friend handed me a book called Twilight and said, "here, I think this is a book right up your alley." I shrugged, took the book and never looked back. Over the next two weeks I did nothing but work and read and work and read and when it was over, I started back at the beginning. Like all of you did. Several times.

And now, I sit here in the silence of my living room, still a bit emotionally fragile after finally seeing Breaking Dawn Part 2 and I feel a little like New Moon Bella... I'm curled up on my couch in my sweats watching the last four years flash by like changing seasons. And looking at what my life has become. I almost think I waited to see the movie because I knew that was admitting it was really over.

This would sound extremely strange to any non-fan, but to you, it will sound normal. Twilight has made my life better. Those four books, innocently penned by Stephenie Meyer, have given me so much to be thankful for. Frankly, I'm so jealous of those of you who got to meet her in LA at the premiere and tell her things. And give her notes. I sent her a fan letter years ago. I don't know if she ever received it but if she did, she knows.

I have met some really awesome folks along the way. Not only here in Maine, but clear across the country, across the pond and even down under. People that, regardless if there's another Twilight movie ever, will be an integral and important part of my life. These are people I talk to on a daily basis, at times more often than my own mother (you know who you are). People I turn to for support and advice and my daily dose of laughter.

At the end of Breaking Dawn this afternoon, I sobbed. Not so much because the movie itself was sad, but for the memories Twilight has awarded me. (Ok, I sobbed because of the movie too.) If you haven't seen the movie yet... trust me, bring the tissues. I had a pocket full of them that were not easily accessible and ended up using my sleeve. Have them ready. Seriously.

Lastly, I would like to extend my biggest "thanks" to Jenny Jerkface and Snarkier Than You -- because without them, there is no us. I love you girls more than you'll ever know and I'm grateful every day you're in my life.

Now someone please hold me.