Monday, May 16, 2011

Repeating High School = Eternal Hell. Maybe Edward Was on to Something After All...

The other weekend, Mommy (not a)Jerkface showed up with seven slightly soggy cardboard boxes of my Childhood. They weren't soggy because of the perpetual emo tears I probably shed as a teenager (though that wouldn't be too far off base) but because apparently sump pumps break down and wreak havoc on basements. Anyway, these boxes smelled like total musty ass-funk so I ended up spending an entire Sunday camped out on my porch with a pair of latex gloves and going through "Jenny Jerkface: The Teenage Years". I can't quite decide what movie genre my teenage life would fall under - horror or after-school special. Probably a mixture of both.

Okay, this is more like 5th grade but whatever... Can I get an F! Can I get a U! Can I get a C! Can I get a... ah, fuck this shit. (Psst, see the tall girl way in the back? See the scowling little goblin-child right in front of her? Yeah, that's me.)

It's really weird for me to go through stuff like this because a) I apparently kept every scribbled note, picture, 'zine... what-have-you and b) I really don't have a clear memory of what high school exactly was like. Like most people, I was a seething mess of hormonal rage and insecurity as a teenager so it's only natural that I would hate my high school years like a hooker hates a herpes outbreak.

Let's face it - I'm a maladjusted adult. Of course I was a total fucking shitshow as a teenager. And all the letters I found from 15-17 year old me confirm that yes, indeed, I thought high school was located somewhere on the inner circles of hell.

Reading those notes was a mixture of chagrin, hilarity and sheer mortification, along with quite a few what-the-fucks?!? I was so emo back then that reading them made me want to punch myself in the twat. And the rage! As Snarkier Than You can testify (countless times) I have a bit of a temper and have been known to go a little beserk every once in awhile. My high school career was more or less a non-stop rage-fest.


I even kept a few detention slips. What teenager keeps their fucking detention slips??? I'm sure I would have needed a whole other box if I had kept all of them. I was an awful kid.

Looking back, I honestly don't know how my parents didn't send me to military camp or pay someone to murder me and make it look like an accident. I wouldn't have blamed them.

The best part of going through the chaos and fuckery of my teen years was finding the pictures. Like most teenagers, we weren't smart enough NOT to photograph ourselves doing stupid shit but those snapshots are hidden away for now.

Instead, I present to you (more or less) - Jenny Jerkface: The High School Years. For the record, I'm not the one with the dark curly hair or missing a face. Just in case you needed clarification.

Freshman Year

Me and JBJ (yeah, I'm original and witty, fuck you). Ahh yes, Hang Ten t-shirt and oversized corduroys. That grunge/hardcore/I-have-body-issues look was just fabulous. And comfortable. I have no idea where this was taken but clearly - given the fact that the couple dancing next to us are both wearing mom jeans with their shirts tucked - it was nowhere cool.

Freshman and/or Sophomore Year

JBJ had a hard on for all things The Cure, in case you were curious. I had a phobia of hairbrushes, apparently. And I'm wearing jorts and my Dad's sweater. Hawt. And a fucking crystal around my neck, which is a throwback to an even more embarrassing moment in life, which is my pre-teens.

Sophmore/Junior Year

I'm straight up hardcore now. All I need is a Shelter or Avail t-shirt and I'm good to go, what with my Carhart overalls and Vans that I had to order out of a skate magazine and wait 6-8 weeks to actually get. Think about that. I had to physically go buy a fucking magazine, cut the coupon out of it, beg my parents for a check, put all this shit in an envelope and mail it out. By postal service. Do kids these days even know what postal service is (and I don't mean the band)??? Fuck, I'm old. 


Senior Year

This is my prom outfit, bitches. How do you like them clunky fucking shoes? Oh, and let's not forget to point out that I'm hanging out by the ashtray, which is pretty much what I did the entire night until I got drunk off those Jack Daniels Wine Coolers and threw up somewhere. 

End of Senior Year? I think? Look at those red eyes - how am I supposed to know???

I don't have much to say about this picture except that if I had known I was this skinny during my teenage years I would have totally dressed like a fucking slut.

At the end of the day, I don't think my high school years were all that bad. We had good music, a lot of fun (and a ridiculous amount of drama, according to a couple of little notes all folded up into perfect squares with bubbly fucking handwriting from someone telling me they hated me, which actually made me laugh HARD because really? Did teenage girls actually send hate letters?) and I've been lucky enough to carry a few of those friendships over into my adult years.

That being said, no fucking way in hell would I ever want to repeat it. Just sayin'.

I love hearing about other peoples' high school experience because they are so wildly different than what I expected. I mean Latchkey Wife was a goody-two-shoes in high school. Can you believe it?

Yeah, me neither.

Feel free to share your experience in the comments!

36 comments:

  1. You are too cool for school Jerkface!!!!!!

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  2. You were a cheerleader?  Somehow I didnt picture it. For me HS was a waste of my time and I couldnt wait to leave, the drama and the stupidity of my fellow classmates made me insane.  I was the kid that had a job and was dealing with my work schedule  and babysitting while trying to learn something in HS.  At one point I held two jobs and was working 7 days a week which lasted a month.  Until it all became too much.
    I remember clearly, girls DO send hate letters. I got one while in middle school written by a least six girls bitching about the size my breast as I was pretty developed and that I was a  also a slut.   I didnt date ( or anything else) until I was 18. 
    Since my mom didnt have alot of money (as she was a single parent with no help from my dad) funds were limited and I had a very limited selection of clothes. I would say that some of my clothes didnt fit too well as I grew out of things pretty quickily during those years.  I remember for a time being reduced to five outfits for the week.  I had a system - Grey slacks on Mon and Thursday, jeans on Tuesday, long jean skirt on Wed, shorts on Friday.  Sometimes I would wear the slacks on Friday, to shake things up.  I use to get two pairs of shoes each school year that had to last all yearand if I grew out of them I was out of luck until summer.

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  3. I was an angel.  No really.  I never got into trouble.   Hell, I didn`t swear a tenth of what I do now.  I wasn`t even all that sarcastic and I certainly didn`t get double entendres. Innocent I tells ya.

    You as a cheer leader cracked me up though.  Made my day :)

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  4. The cheerleading gig lasted one season and I honestly think I was like 10 or 11. I hated it, lol. The only sport I did enjoy was field hockey but probably because it was relatively violent. Plus, I worked as well.

    We mixed up our outfits by visiting a lot of second hand stores.

    And teenage girls are fucking horrible little beasts. There, I said it.

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  5. You were such a fucking punk when you were a kid! Oh wait, you still are... Love you bb!
    : )

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  6. p.s. the fact that you were a cheerleader blows my mind. but then you played sports, too. weirdo. 

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  7. been there, got the hate letter, too! maybe wasn't quite in that much of a bind wardrobe-wise, but still - nothing meaner than middle-school girls - egads! think i kept that note, too. when it's all said and done, i'm glad i am me now and not the asshole chicks who did those kinds of things to other girls at that age. if that makes sense. ok i should stop typing and go to bed now. xo

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  8. Come to think about it, I think I still have the letter too.   After middle school I would just "borrow" clothes from my bff and other friends and and never return them.  LOL.

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  9. Addicted2TwilightMay 16, 2011 at 11:58 PM

    I feel like we were the same person in HS. From the cheerleading in our younger years to the red dr martens, I even had those crystal necklaces.

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  10.  It's been such a long time...I hardly remember! On the whole, high school wasn't too bad. Oh, there was lots of stupid drama, fights with parents, crushes, and broken hearts. But there were some awesome friends (many I still see) and a lot of drinking to make up for it. I was generally well-behaved (except for the drinking) although by senior year I was pretty much a slacker (newspaper, annual --which meant all 3 lunch periods!-- TA, PE and 2 real classes). Of course, we were all aspiring hippies so being laid back was cool. Smoked my first joint on the senior boat cruise. And trust me - that was before most of you were born.
    Would I want to do it again? Nah, I just like reading about the romanticized version in fan fiction.
    That does not mean I don't have those horrible dreams about being back in high school -- as an adult,trying to explain I don't have to go to class, I have two master's degrees.

    I do want my 30's back, tho. 'Cause I missed a hell of a lot of good bands I'm just discovering.

    And JJ, you were cute!

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  11. Guess I haven't figured out how to get my image into disqus yet...

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  12.  If I only knew then what I know now..........

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  13. My HS years were OK.  I was never one of the popular kids & didn't give a fuck.  At the time there were basically 3 groups -  the jocks/rah-rahs, the nerds (brainiacs) & the burn-outs.  I hung with the burn-outs.  Even though I technically wasn't one, they were the group I felt most at ease with. 

    Great pics, JJ! 

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  14.  High school wasn't so bad for me.  I was just one of those kids that was in the background.  Not popular, not part of any group, I swam on the high school team, tried track one year.  Found out I suck at running.  I can't get over you as a cheerleader JJ, in our school, only the popular girls were and if you weren't popular you better not even try out...

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  15. Ah, the huge overalls. I still own the pair I bought at 14(?) and  I got them so big they still fit!  How it takes me back. Makes me wanna go back through all my high school stuff just to see if my memory is anywhere close to the truth!  I mostly remember trying to be invisible.

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  16. Great post JJ. These pictures are fantastic.  I can't imagine what "body issues" you had cause you look so cute in all the pics.  I guess it just goes with being a teen. Loved this line - "if I had known I was this skinny during my teenage years I would have totally dressed like a fucking slut."  LOL  

    I actually remember more of my middle school years than high school.  I probably blacked out the horror to protect my mind. I can remember being miserable most of the time, because, yeah, life in the suburbs is so hard.  Blame it on the hormones.  Now that I'm hitting menopause, I'm blaming it on the hormones again.

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  17. Um... Ok, so you started out as a blonde cheerleader and ended up a tree wearing what looks suprisingly like ox-blood doc martins... Sounds vaguely familiar I must admit.  Also, in my opinion it is an improvement. And your prom photo is gorgeous, if Edward had seen that Bella wouldn't have stood a chance. Just sayin' ;)

    Also, let me just add HIGHSCHOOL SUCKED BUCKETS OF SUCKY STUFF! What I can remember of it... Couldn't pay me enough to do that again... Well, maybe exhorbitant amounts of cash, but extra exhorbitant... Nah, not even then.

    Here's a snippet of my highschool years. A photo from veldschool or camp.  I'm the one with the cool rapper headgear. Yup. We tried to smoke antelope poop, yes we did. We were desperate. And possibly the drinking had killed off off too many brain cells.  Good times. Not.

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  18. Teenage girls do indeed blow. Apparently. I wasn't one of them *winks*. One girl who had a crush on my boyfriend at the time barked at me. Actually BARKED at me. I think she was trying to make dog references about my looks, but ended up looking & sounding pretty stupid herself. And of course the cronies must always hang around the ringleader and giggle. I wish I coulda gone 'Jenny Jerkface' on her, but sadly I was, and still am, unconfrontational.

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  19. OMG, I remember ordering skate shoes that exact same way!!! I was so sick of wearing the Payless skate shoe knockoffs that I begged my parents to buy me vans or pumas (I can't remember which lol)!  I was part of the "freak" crowd back in high school... I wore huge ass jnco and kikwear jeans, little t-shirts with either band names or bad ass fairies on them, and lots of chain necklaces/bracelets (which conveniently gave me some lovely rashes on my neck and wrists).  I wasn't the stereotypical freak because I never got in trouble and I was in all honors classes.  All my friends now don't believe that I dressed like that, I usually have to show them photographic proof lol. Thanks for that trip down memory lane, JJ!!

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  20. Hehe. I've never posted a comment on here before, but I found this blog a few months ago and I must say, I'm addicted now.  My high school days were... interesting. My nic name around the school was "gothic barbie"... because, well that is what I looked like. People either loved me or hated me, nothing in between. I was a loud mouth, got in fights with guys, I did know I was skinny and did dress like a slut! lol This was until I met a certain boy, who I started dating sophomore year and he knocked me up junior year. Luckily, this boy is now my husband and we have two beautiful offspring. Although I'm not skinny anymore and cannot dress like a slut... FML. How the hell am I ever gonna use my free pass with Ms. K-Stew?! LMAO

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  21. GAWD, that first picture just cracks me up every time! You and your little scowl...you look so happy!

    It's true -- I was a complete goody-two shoes in high school. Mostly because I was deathly afraid of the punishment my mother would inflict on me if she ever caught me drinking. Fear not, I made up for it in college. And my goal was to make out with as many boys as possible. If I wasn't married, I'd probably still be doing that.

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  22. Bwahahaha Loved the pics.... My parents spent the first few years of high school trying to prevent me from making the same mistake my sister made.... teen pregnancy.  They tried really hard to distract me from boys by buying me a motorcycle and a horse, little did they know they gave me transportation and all the boys hung out at our place cause we had motorcycles.  Parents are just clueless sometimes. I was pretty much a goodie two shoes and a raging tomboy until grade 11, I changed schools and all hell broke loose started smoking up behind the bushes at school. We just about getting caught doing that by the principal.  We even had a Frisbee with a hash pipe in it, we'd be on the back lawn throwing the Frisbee around.  This little trail of smoke coming out of the top of it. Good Times.

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  23. Oh yeah I totally agree, if I knew my size 8 at the time was not porky,and my belly and fat legs were all in my head i would have dressed like a slut and made the most of it. Because after the kids it did'nt fucking last. 

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  24. Too funny, JJ!! Can't believe your parents kept that shit and then gave it to you to deal with. As for high school....bad, yes, but JUNIOR high school waaaaay worse! The one downside to being a "teenaged" vampire....going through high school ad nauseum....college good, high school not so much! 

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  25. I was so tired of seeing the same people since kindergarten that I applied to a vocational high school.  The best part was I took culinary which meant 7 hours of bullshitting and goofing of in a kitchen and one english class each day!  Too bad I suck at cooking, but had so much fun staying late at school for banquets with no teacher supervision. 

    Seriously, they trusted TEENAGERS to cook and serve food to teachers for lunch.  Pissed your english teacher gave you a D on your last test, spill a drink down her back!

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  26. I see JJ in maroon docs & on behalf of my high school self I am so fucking jealous! I always wanted maroon docs. I may have dressed very much like you did (long live grunge). I also hated high school & all the stupid shit that went on there. If I ever had to go back I would definitely end up cutting someone...possibly many someones. js

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  27. jesus, JJ. It's like looking in a freakin' mirror. I too, was a "cheerleader" in elementary school, and then quickly changed into docs, cords, flannel shirts my freshmen year. The only difference is that by sophmore year, I was a full-fledged  corset and chains-wearing, snobby (what?!) Christian Death (this would be a band to all those innocents) loving gothling.
    Thank God we had good music.

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  28. The comments are working for me. Woo hoo! I was a cheerleader from 5th grade through 12th grade. LMAO at that picture. I just can't believe that's you in those pictures. I would never have recognized you. What a difference a cut and color make. Loved seeing the pictures and the trip down memory lane though. I miss your mug!

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  29. I think I'm more in shock over the fact that you were a cheerleader. Holy hell, JJ! I can just imagine the glowing enthusiasm you had for others to succeed... err, pigs just flew by my window... 

    For me school was one gigantic social network. I was always the tallest girl in the class, 5'11, who wore heels and short skirts. When boys asked me to dance they would be eye level with my chest. My father was a musician and had these huge ass speakers and instruments cramed in the livingroom, and I mean concert sized amplifiers! These mo-fo's had power! My friends would gather at my house every weekend while my father was out playing a gig and we'd crank out Nirvana or Metallica over the stereo, than jump in the pool from our roof. It was a fun few years of socializing, getting drunk off my parents poorly hidden alcohol, and sometimes doing homework... which was never. 

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  30. Dude, that picture is GREAT. Love the headgear. And antelope poop?? Really? I thought chugging a whole bottle of Robittussin to get a buzz was bad! LMAO!!

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  31.  Gothic barbie, eh? I hung out with a few of those, lol.

    I was also a loud mouth and got into fights every once in awhile too. It was all fun and games though. Right? LOL!

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  32. Well desperate times... Its not easy finding a shop in the middle of the african bush that will sell a pack of smokes to underage delinquents... 

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  33. JJ I have a picture of me from high school in those overalls with the vans on, but I'm wearing the maroon jacket that blank face has on. Thanks for the memory!
    -Kate

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  34. I have to remind myself NOT to read your blog while I'm at work, because I CANNOT contain the laughter!! 

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  35. The only thing I remember about high school is everything.  I loved high school.  No, seriously.  I had badass friends, The Bentist, I had an escape from my hellhole that was home...The list is actually quite fucking long.  I am completely aware of the fact that I am in the minority, but damn.  I'd do high school over again.  But with alcohol and better music.

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  36. Weren't those jackets awesome? I had a green one and I lived in it. I'm suddenly tempted to pay a visit to an Army/Navy store and see if they still sell them. I bet they do. 

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