Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Life Skills 101: Parking for Dummies

JJ went all rampagy over public transportation and rolling briefcases the other night. Now it's my turn. I don't take public transportation as I prefer to drive like a maniac and have a near stroke every day on my commute.

This is me on a good day.

Since you apparently have to be a fucking Mensa member to master the use of a wheel and two pedals, parking should be child's play. This is the easiest part of driving. I'm not talking about parallel parking. I'm talking about turning the wheel slightly and easing between the pre-printed lines. If you can't manage that, I need you to send me your address so I can beat you even more senseless. I know I'm not the only one feeling stabby about this because I saw this post on someecards today.

I had to park in a parking garage this morning. This should be a non event in my life. Unfortunately, drama follows me wherever I go. An elderly driver happened to be leading the pack of parking space hunters this morning. This man slammed on his brake every third space because he thought someone might possibly by chance be backing up. He stopped and threw on his blinker every five spaces when he had a strong feeling about a space opening up. I'm no psychic, but if someone is pulling a baby stoller out of the trunk and loading a small child into it, THEY ARE NOT LEAVING!

This continued until the man was finally able to wedge his Cadillac into a compact space. It took about a nine point turn, but he finally forced the car in. I felt confident we could actually make some progress now. Wrong. The next leader of the pack continued in the same pattern, refusing to cede ground on the coveted first level. Why does everyone feel they must park on the ground level? I've never been to a parking garage that didn't have elevators and forced the patrons to rappel down the side of the building. You can park on a higher level and survive. I promise.

I am never parking on E4 again.

Douchebag #2 finally located a parking space after an exhaustive search. Regrettably, it was on the second level, so I image the driver jumped to his death. I parked on the third level because I like to live on the edge. I was the only car in my section of the garage. That's how I prefer it as I don't like people near my car. Or me, for that matter.

This is what it looked like when I parked.

This is what it looked like when I came back. Except, I had one close-parking asshole on each side of me and no other cars anywhere in sight. I will kill someone.

I managed to shimmy in my vehicle after coating my back with dirt from the car. Seriously? I expected Alan Funt to pop out and tell me I was on Candid Camera. My car and the two on either side of me were the only ones parked on that side of the garage and they were BOTH over the line. How can you suck that much at parking?! A blind chimpanzee with a nervous tick could do better.

Fast forward to when I'm trying to leave the garage. You have to pay a nominal fee to park, AS IS POSTED ON THE TICKET MACHINE WHEN YOU ENTER. Again, this is not rocket science. The man in front of me has no money. I am sitting patiently (by my standards) with my ticket and dollar bill in hand, while Douchebag #3 begs the cashier to let him have a free pass. She offers to bill him in the mail, but he decides to pay with change instead. He throws the car in park and climbs all through it like he's in the Chuck E. Cheese playscape, emerging periodically with a dime or a nickel. Meanwhile, the lane next to me is not faring much better. Douchebag #4 at the front of that line is flipping his shit and causing a scene, only to speed off and nearly slam into another car. Is it a full moon or something?

Douchebag #3 was only able to locate $0.42, so he had to fill out the form to be billed anyway. He only filled out the form after arguing for five more minutes about how stupid it is to make an upstanding douchebag like himself pay for parking. Now I was on borrowed patience.

This post has a theme. Can you find it?

I would just like to go on the record as saying I did not stab anyone today. I think I deserve a medal, or at least a free stabbing in the future. Does anyone else have parking rage? Don't even pretend like it's just me. I will cut you.


  1. One of my very favorite pages. Pictures of asshole Parkersburg and notices to print out and take with you! Better then fighting the urge to key a bitch.


  2. I have parking rage, driving rage, you name it I have it when it comes to getting in the car... I drive my hubby nuts as I fuss/cuss out whoever can't drive around me at the moment... I think we should be able to slap a idiot for their poor driving/parking at least and get away with it....

  3. I feel the rage every time I leave the driveway and every time I pull into a parking space when I arrive at my destination.

    Imma just stay home and read fanfiction!

  4. I'm a fairly laid back person. Except when I'm driving, when I Jeckyll-and-Hyde into a homicidal maniac because everyone on the road is a moron. No one knows how to drive on a motorway or use a roundabout (I think you call them circles in the states). Don't get me started on turn signals.

    And just because I drive a tiny car assholes in mercs and beemers think they have the right to cut me off even though I'm usually doing at least ten over the speed limit. Bastids.

    Speaking of parking and my tiny car lat week I saw the exact same model (new Fiat 500) parked directly over the line between two parking spaces. The fuck?!

    @Dianna Kent: I am soooo with you on that one. Though I doubt I'd be able to keep it to a slap...

  5. @Banshee713 I would only hope to keep it to a slap... most likely it would be much worse. lol

  6. I HATE parking. I'm a nurse, that worked for an auto insurance company and had a boss decide I didn't do enough, and assigned me parking lot accident investigations- I could give a hot flying fuck about all the assholes that back into each other. I now have parking PTSD. I think I cracked a little towards the end of my fancy stint as an adjuster.

    That website is the best ever!

  7. I never could understand why people choose to park next to you, when there are sections of empty parking all around. These are probably the same people that will sit right the fuck next to you or in front of you, in an empty movie theatre.

  8. If I'm ever in a parking garage, I go straight for the very top that way I always know where it is and can see it. Only sucky part is that I live in Vegas, and my car is black. It could be 115 outside, but its about 234987234987239 degrees in my car. Oh well, I always know where my car is!

    A very drunken night at Mandalay Bay taught me that lesson..took over 2 hours to remember where I parked and a LOT of booze was involved.

  9. ROFL......

    @TK, great post. Hilarious! The pictures were spot on. You absolutely made my day.

    *...rappel down the side of the building*...ah, still makes me laugh.

  10. @TK, it seems I am a masochistic bitch who just laughs at other's pain so please allow me to say that I am so sorry for your shitty parking adventure.

    (And thank you so much for sharing it. :)

  11. Oh well done you for the no stabby!! I definatley think you deserve some sort of awarde. A person can ONLY TAKE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    wv: deong. Had to share, just saying.

  12. @Nifer: I flove your avi! Is that your tattoo?

  13. if someone parks over the line, i will wedge my car into the spot next to them (of course, staying within my own parking lines), then take a picture of the douche's parking job and license plate. i imagine them coming out and having to get in their car on the opposite side. and if they ding my door- voila! i have their info and proof of their shitty parking job. it's a combination of trying to prove a point and entrapment!

  14. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonJune 22, 2011 at 9:58 AM

    I totally have parking rage. I park in a parking garage every day too. There's a few different kind of douchebags wandering at will in my garage:
    1. The one who never has his ID ready to swipe the gate open. Really!? Also the person who may not have an ID but can't follow the simple direction of the sign that says "pull a ticket if you don't have an ID."
    2. The one who has to drive 2 mph. Fuck you. It must be nice to not have anywhere to go today.
    3. The one who has to put it in reverse and drive no fewer than 10 times to pull forward into a spot. This is usually some soccer mom bitch on her cell phone in an SUV that is clearly too much for her to handle. Although it's even worse when it's just your standard sedan doing this.
    4. The person who must drive past and then back in to their spot when there are a line of cars behind them. Then refer to number 3. I get it, it's more convenient when you're leaving. I do it too only when there is no one behind me.
    Nothing is worse when you've had a decent commute and are actually on time only to be met with douchebaggery in the parking garage. Actually, I take that back, it's worse to be met with doubhebaggery on both the commute and in the parking garage.

    I actually experience the physical symptoms of anxiety every time I enter a parking garage b/c I just know I'm not going to escape without thinking homicidal thoughts.

  15. I was blocked in on both sides in a parking garage once. I had to climb through my hatch back, over the back seat, over the center console to finally make it into the drivers seat. Then I proceeded to unlock my doors and repeatedly slam them open into the cars on either side. There was red paint on both their cars and not a scratch on mine... that'll teach them bitches from parking too close. Assholes! I must have been having a really bad day *shrug*

  16. everything about driving (except when I'm the only person in the lane) makes me rageful. Once, a lady was tailing me through my neighborhood because she wanted to go tearing through it while little children played in the street and I was going a bit over the speed limit. I slammed on my breaks at the stop sign, got out of my car and proceeded to direct my entire life's rage at her through her window while she stared straight ahead pretending to not see the insane woman screeching at her mere inches from her face.
    God, it felt good.

  17. That first picture kills me.

    Reading all these comments makes me so glad I don't drive anymore. The one thing that does piss me off is when people are walking directly down the middle of the lane back to their car, forcing you to crawl behind them at a snail's pace. As someone whose mode of transportation IS walking -- move the fuck to the side and let the cars go!!

  18. Man, we're releasing all of our pent-up rage this week, aren't we? I love it.

    The thing that makes me want to scream in a parking deck is when someone in a VW bug or one of those itty bitty Smart Cars drives 1.2mph around the turns, for fear of hitting something. You're driving a freaking toy car! Do you see me in your rearview mirror? I'm in an SUV and I'm riding your tail, and I haven't taken off anyone's taillights yet! There is no excuse to creep around the corners in a parking deck. No one is going to die if you hit *gulp* 5mph.

  19. ...and if they do die, it's because they were standing where they shouldn't have been anyway (like JJ said, walking down the middle of the lane). Tough nuts. Survival of the fittest, man. I have places to be.

  20. @Anonymous - Oh how I heart you for sharing that website!

    I work in downtown seattle & there are people that I work with ( MANY in fact ) whose windsheilds would love to have those "tickets" on them. HOLY COW!

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  22. I'm lucky when it comes to my parking garage. I arrive at the butt crack of dawn and no one is there yet. Different story when I'm leaving, a car rental company parks their cars on the roof and the attendants drive through the parkaide like its a raceway. When your backing out and they come racing around the corner and nearly hit you the explatives start flying.

  23. @Anonymous (the very first comment)
    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I have been looking for a website EXACTLY like this!!!!!!!! Now i can print these and give them out!!!!!

  24. I'm pretty sure that first picture is a photo-shopped candid of Mr. Snarky driving to work. I can't believe they got the whole quote right!

  25. Funny post TK though I feel kinda bad, your rage makes me laugh. @MrsKassieCullen, please tell us where u live & what u drive so we can avoid parking next to you. All I can think of is that Carrie Underwood song about taking a Louisville Slugger to both headlights etc.

    @myHeartGoesPitterPattinson - I adore your screen name.

  26. I have a compact with a sunroof and couldn't get in on my side. Went to the passenger side, slid the roof open, and proceeded to climb over the console whilst sticking my head out of the roof.
    At the mall, I fare the way you do trying to get up to the 5th level that I prefer. Glad to know it's not just me!

  27. I curse, rage and pretty much bitch around everytime I drive. I mean if you are going to drive SO SLOW at least do it on the right side of the road would you?!! and why people honk so much anyway? there is a RED light in front of us so we are not moving anyway, stop with the freaking noise already! geez.
    I can go on and on and on...

    PS I love your site... and rants hahaha


  28. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonJune 23, 2011 at 10:50 AM

    @likeitlemony Thanks! I made a t-shirt with this slogan about 2 years ago. My significant other claims me he might be more understanding of my obsession if I tried to mass produce them and actually made a profit off of the insanity. He still says this every time I wear it. An eye roll is always the cherry on top though.

  29. @MyHeartGoesPitterPattinson

    IF you made these T-shirts (on say...Zazzle or Cafe Press)and then told me about it. I would totally buy one. :-) It's just so damn cute.

    @Likeitlemony - I totally agree that that screen name is great. It always makes me smile when I read it.

  30. I have never felt closer to you TK than with this post. OH MY GOD!!! This is me! I just don't get it. What is wrong with people???

    What a great write up about something sooo horrible. And that cat picture and the link to the signs... I am dead now... from laughter!!!


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