Friday, July 15, 2011

Are You Really Asking Me About the Weather?

You've probably figured out by now that I live in Texas. You may not know that Texas is a floating state. Sometimes it is located three degrees south of the North Pole and sometimes it migrates to the surface of the sun. It is fucking hot right now. Actually, hot is not even a strong enough word for it. This is the kind of weather that leads to a mass homicide and no one is ever prosecuted because we all understand the temporary insanity.

How much would it cost to have a person fan me 24/7?

An insane heat wave is pounding the southern states. This is the kind of heat where people just lose the will to live on the walk to their car. I got excited that it was supposed to drop into double digits yesterday, but that didn't happen. Lying bastard son of a bitch fuckface weatherman.

This is pounding the South right now. Hard.

I got into my car this afternoon and couldn't figure out why the flesh melted off the back of my thighs instantly. You would think you could get acclimated to the heat after a while, but you'd be wrong. Humans were not built to withstand this kind of heat. I would sell my soul (if I still had one) for a cool breeze.

Holy shit! Can you believe I almost have a full tank of gas? That never happens. Oh & it's 114 DEGREES!!!

My brain is in a near liquid state right now. Hence the reason for the weather post. I can not process any thoughts other than "Dying. Must have water. Will kill for a popsicle." And I will maim the next person who asks "Is it hot enough for you?" That question needs to die. My latest response is "You won't be hot once I put your dismembered corpse in Latchkey Wife's freezer, asshole." Ok, I might be ready to enter the freezer voluntarily at this point.

I would literally kill for a forecast that included 98 degree weather.

How's the weather in your area? Yes, I really am asking about the weather. And if you live on the other side of the world and are digging your car out of the snow like I was bitching about six months ago, I need you to lie and complain about the oppressive heat.

It always comes back to this. And lookie! There's an audio clip below!


  1. Don't hate me... I live just south of San Francisco. It's foggy and in the mid 50's here. The last week we had fog so thick in the morning that it was drizzling/raining. And everyone is complaining. This is actually why I live here. I rival the Cullens when it comes to pasty skin. If I were to go to Texas right now, I'd melt, a la the Wicked Witch of the West.

  2. Hey did you notice the penis shape of the heat wave emanating from the weatherman?

    Please send some of that heat up North. Juneuary is over and we're still waiting for summer to start here in Washington state.

    The ski slopes were were actually open for skiing on the 4th of July!!!!! It's currently overcast, 68 degrees and spitting rain.

    We missed you last year, will you be coming to Forks this fall?

  3. Vegas right now is 110 and DRY!!! I'm used to it when I'm outside and then hate it when I'm getting in my car.

    Why the hell I bought a black car with black interior I'll never understand.

    "Oh, but Vegas has all those pools on the Strip you can relax at."

    WRONG!!! You need a hotel key to get in and it's a pain to find a random tourist to let you use their key to get in in exchange for you buying them a drink. They mainly are hoping for sex.

    There are times those pools do come in handy when you're able to get in there. And that is the topless pool. Yeah you might trip over some old lady without her top on as you walk by because her boobs are hanging over her lounge chair, but its so much fun.

  4. Okay, this is off topic but super serious....OMG-6! HAVE YOU SEEN THE BREAKING DAWN CALENDAR?????? WTFQJBBQSHIT&!@#PISSHAIR&**((( HAVE THEY DONE TO CARLISES HAIR??? Seriously...I knew you were the only ones that would understand.

  5. It's fucking hot. I want new skin. Seriously, skin made out of ice packs.

    Ok that whole thing was a lie but I was being supportive.

    And as for the BD calendar, check out my post over at for my thought on Jasper's hair.

    Poor Carlisle looks like a bobblehead with a bad combover.

  6. I'm in Phoenix. And frankly, it's not that hot. Well, for this time of year anyway (102 today). In fact, it hasn't been that warm in a while, to the detriment of our pool temperature.

    My son and I went out to our pool tonight for a swim and the water was too fucking cold to get in.

    In a nutshell, you're stealing our heat.

    And I'm pissed my pool is too cold to be in, and also that I am that big of a wimp that I can't swim in water under 85 degrees in temperature.

  7. OMG....114 degrees....That is wrong on every level!! I cant imagine what your electric bills are to keep the AC at even a decent temp!! I could never take it so KUDOS to you for actually surviving!! I live in Pittsburgh and 90 is UNBEARABLE for me! I shoulda moved to Forks a long time ago!! LOL
    @CarlyFall--you're NUTS!! I'll take snow anyday and our SHOWERS up north are less than 85 degrees!! hehehe....

  8. Right now where I am, outside of Chicago, it's pretty nice in the 70s but then again it's 1 am.. this weekend we are going to be in the 90s and that will suck ass. I mean it's no 114 but it's still going to suck. Do you at least have dry heat in Texas? We're going to be 94 and raining on Monday then the rest of the week we'll be in a haze of humidity that will make your sweat sweat. It's miserable!! I wish the weather cooperated I would take mid 70s with a slight breeze all year round.

  9. It's beautiful here in Hawaii but it's also misleading. It's fucking hot here too! My husband works outdoors and got heat stroke yesterday, poor baby! But I definitely feel your pain. A 114 degrees is hot no matter what.

  10. How is the weather here? Thank you for asking, TK!

    It is fucking freezing here. (Quick geography lesson: NZ is in the Southern Hemisphere = opposite to Northern Hemisphere = currently middle of winter) The snow down south (ie. not where I live but close enough for me to feel it's icy blast) is at record levels. The ski fields went from having no snow, to having too much snow and having to close for safety concerns.

    I am currently wearing a woolly top, jeans, ugg boots and a monster hoodie AND I have my heat pump cranking. If it weren't only 8pm right now I'd be in my bed with the electic blanket on.

    THIS is why I am going to CALIFORNIA in FOURTEEN DAYS. For warmth. And sunshine. Oh, and to see my twitards. Love you all x

    PS. Rant over. But, you did ask.

  11. It has cooled down slightly here in south Georgia the last day or 2 and it has been so nice. Monday the heat index was at 112. I don't even know what winter is anymore because we don't have seasons here. We just have hot, 2 days of cold and then return to hot.

  12. You're asking me about the weather? *blink* * blink* *blink* uh *splutter* *blink*. I would love me some cold and wet right now. My lawn died from thirst about 2 weeks ago. I really miss the green.

    BTW, Edward could ask me about anything.

    100+ temps do give you brain melt. I wish u luck surviving that.

    @ritzy Isn't it amazing how they can repeatedly turn such beautiful people into god awful messes? I saw the cover and thought 'I do not want to look at that for the next year'.
    Bella's hair WTF? I've seen better wigs at Halloween USA.

    Makes me sad because everyone is talking about how amazing the final Harry Potter movie is and I just dread what they are gonna do to Breaking Dawn. Scummit is passive aggressive.

  13. Right now, in north spud land, 7 am,it's 55 degrees & suppose to be in the 80's. I'll take that. Considering we have been waiting for June-uary to get over since March. And we were "not liking the rain Arizona"

    Sorry TK and everyone else who are in the sweltering heat. (Attempt to)Stay cool!

  14. Yeah.....I can't complain about the's currently 55 degrees on Vancouver Island and raining so hard i cant see 10 ft out my window.

    But I can sympathize. I was in Texas last year at this time. I refused to leave the comfort of my friends air conditioned home and when her air conditioner broke......I sat with a cup full of ice cubes to rub all over me! Canadians are NOT meant for that kind of heat!!!

  15. Hey, TK - is it hot enough for you?

  16. A few weeks ago I had a status saying 87.98.113. and my brother said HOLY SHIT 113! And my response was I know, best bowling score so far and he replied, I didn't know you were bowling I thought you were talking about the weather.
    I live in NY and we get heat waves, but not those kind of heat waves. I think I would die if it was over 100. With the humidity and my hair looking very bozo I would melt into the concrete I am cooking my egg on.
    This past week it has needed to rain so bad but has not.(to my knowledge, I left for Vermont on Thursday)The humidity was killing me, I couldn't breath getting into my car, which btw has black leather interior.
    In a nutshell, I'm sorry for you, I really am.

  17. @Bella: You "don't like any cold, wet thing"? How you gonna storm the honeymoon cold, wet thing then?

  18. I feel your pain. We lived in Mississippi for six years and I had to wear a frickin' suit with pantyhose & heels to work every day! And whenever we did have a nice mild day [January], you couldn't do anything outside because of the GD fire ants!

    Every morning when I check my dashboard to see what the weather is going to be, I also have a widget for the weather in Forks. I don't even care about the rain. I would KILL to have those temperatures every day. [And I really can't believe that I was in Forks for almost a week last fall and we barely had a drizzle. The weather was perfect for us. Of course, that's only because we all bought new raincoats & boots for the trip!]

    It's too hot [for me] here outside of Philly, but the air feels 20 - 30 degrees lower than Texas. God bless you TK. I'll pray for all the people who unfortunately have to be in your presence and suffer your wrath - in addition to their own discomfort from the heat.

    They don't have water ice in Texas, do they?

  19. I think you need a kiddie pool and a few bags of ice. Fuck the neighbors - go all white trash and cool off, bb.

    P.S. It's been nice in Jersey this week but I am still kind of jealous of the people having cooler weather... NJ has this bad habit of launching directly from winter into summer with very little nice, spring-like weather. You turn off the heat and turn on the A/C in a matter of days sometimes.

  20. It is raining in Seattle and chilly....probably in the low high 50s to low 60s. I have a guest room....reservations are filling up fast.

    I am with need the white trash pool with a floatie. I have done this...I am not too proud to admit this. There may have been cocktails involved.

    I am going to go put on a sweater now....I just caught a chill. xo

  21. It's effing hot here. Add to that the insane cocktail of hormones that is going on inside my body right now = good times. I have the a/c cranked so low that all of the windows are fogged up, and Mr. XKR is sleeping rolled up like a burrito at night while I lie there under the fan in minimal clothing, trying not to touch him or anything else so that I can make it through the night without having to change out of sweat-soaked PJs. I'm not going to look at our electric bills this summer; I just don't want to know what it's costing our old a/c unit to cool a 60-year-old drafty house to 70 degrees when it's 100 degrees outside. Ignorance is bliss.

    Also, @STY - I actually ordered a huge inflatable kiddie pool from Walmart. I sit in the backyard in it. Let me tell you, I look super-klassy.

  22. I'm in St. Louis, MO and it's HAWT here. Last week it was 117 with the humidity index. I live north of the city where the MO and MS rivers come together so we very wet air, it's like steeping into a steam room out there.
    I love it! No, really.
    Sticky hot summer is my favorite time of year. Ice coffee, frozen grapes and frozen watermelon slices (dipped in vodka)sweatin' your ass off in the sun is the best.

  23. TK, I'm with you. I'm just a little further south down 35 and it's bloody hot. And this past winter, we got snow! I'm looking forward to November when it will finally start cooling down. Why can't we have a summer like last year? Oh, wait, it flooded last summer and a good chunk of my little tourist town floated down river. Maybe the summer before that... (wanders off to try to figure out when the last perfect summer happened in Texas, probably the last ice age)

  24. I feel your pain. You wouldn't think it, but WI gets quite hot during the summers, and damn humid! But then oh happy happy joy joy, we also have winters from hell. There's actually jokes about always using a/c & heat in WI in the same day. We were actually lucky enough to have scheduled a family photoshoot today...outside...not cool (no pun intended, well, maybe intended). I'm sure we'll have looked our best. Can't wait to pay a small fortune for photos of ourselves looking like we just stepped out of a sauna.

  25. Don't know what part of Texas you are in....I'm about 35 miles east of Houston...and yes it is like living on the surface of the sun...every summer I say "Fuck this, pack up the kids...we are MOVING..." But I'm too damn lazy to we just continue to die each summer :(

  26. TK my love, before you melt into a puddle of goo in your scorching hot vehicle, could you please put Going Down back up? It would help us all remember your hilarious wit while we deal with our grief at your fiery demise.

  27. I'm in Texas, too. Just north of Dallas. My a/c decided to be a wimp last night and pretty much stop working. It's finally sort of spitting out cool air, but we ran to Home Depot this morning to get a window unit just so that we can live. And there's no end in site to this heat. I would take 98* over this in a heartbeat.

  28. I live near Tacoma, WA & I had to wear a sweatshirt all weekend. It was low 60's I think.

  29. I grew up in the desert in Southern California and it can get freak'n hot there too. As soon as I could get out of there I moved to Hawaii and then to San Diego to get out of the stupid weather. My hubby grew up in Dallas and he moved to Hawaii too, which is where we met. Why anyone voluntarily lives in a place with crappy weather is beyond me. Of course as soon as I say this, he'll get a transfer to the sun's surface or something so I better just be nice about it.

    @Rikki_DD - we just got back from Vegas. I have a friend whose sister lives there. She told us if you have a local ID they'll let you in the pool. Of course I'd call and ask before braving the heat and traffic to go to the strip... It was freak'n HOT there and the traffic on the strip can be knarly!

    @TwiKiwi50 - What part of California are you visiting? If you need any suggestions on what to visit and I'm familiar with where you're going I'll gladly throw a few over to you.

  30. Hey TK -- Is it hot enough for you?

    (tee hee, runs and hides)

  31. The news here in Seattle just reported that we've had a grand total of 78 minutes of summer weather (that's between 80&90 degrees) so far this year (on 7/2)

  32. I lived in Phoenix for a month...that month was May. It was hot as hell. But I'll take 120 degrees in downtown Phoenix over 100 degrees anywhere in Texas where trees grow or large bodies of water are nearby. Humidity is a fucking bitch and she will drown you while you walk from your front door to your hot as fuck car, because, you know, it's already 85 at 7:30 in the morning.

    I noticed the penis in the weatherman shot as well. At least the caption hinted at it.

  33. I got out just before our heat wave in PA and went to San Diego for Comic Con, where it was actually chilly/cold most of the time but sunny :) I hate to be hot, it is my least favorite thing ever! We are finally getting AC in our 99 year old house and it has been heaven. Got just in time for Grandma to pet sit so she survived the heat wave - phew.


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