Thursday, July 21, 2011

Robert Pattinson & The Deathly Half Faux-Hawk

So I was going to write about how Mr. Snarky had left a pan I'd asked him to wash in the sink for four days before he finally got around to cleaning it, and then he only washed the inside and left the outside coated with an inch of schmutz, but at some point I realized that even though Mr. Snarky doesn't read the blog, we have quite a few friends who wander over here from time to time and I figure keeping people we have drinks with on the weekends well-informed on my state of affairs below the belt is probably about as far as I should go. That might even be too far. Maybe. I don't know where my boundaries are anymore, really.
So I won't mention any of that here, since Mr. Snarky's always been a totally good sport about the blog and the associated burned dinners we eat at 10:30 (like the one I am cooking now!), getting ignored while I write a post while sitting six inches away from him (with bonus "SHHH!!"/"talk to the hand" moments), and the weeks (and money) I spend away from him doing stupid, crazy, wonderful bloggy stuff (I'm looking at you, trip to Forks and BlogHer). But whatever - let's move on because I have something more important to talk about.

In a totally unusual (but not entirely unprecedented) move, we're going to talk about something that actually happened TODAY. I know; I can't believe it either. Stop fighting over the smelling salts - there's enough to go around and some of you could probably use a little time-out anyway.

If you were on Twitter or anywhere in the Twi-o-sphere today, you were likely glued to the updates coming from ComicCon, where Breaking Dawn had its first meeting or panel or press conference or whatever the fuck they're calling it. The Holy Trinity (or "Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and that other dude") were in attendance, along with some other people we're currently giving the benefit of the doubt to but will probably want to flay come November.

I'm going to cut right to the chase and say when I gleefully clicked away from my work bullshit and hit the first link that would direct me to the promised land of RPatts hotness, I was beyond optimistic. Way beyond. I mean, we've gotten some very, VERY good fodder for our secret RPatts folders from ComicCon over the years. Sure, I'd seen the recent pics showing the odd hair, but frankly I haven't been paying all that much attention to Cosmopolis filming (one can only handle so many pics of a person coming and going from their trailer) and figured the photographers had just caught a bad angle or RPatts had that weird just-showered look that makes 'dos that are both short and wet look funky sometimes.

But instead of looking like this:

 Bed-head-Con in 2008.

Or THIS - 

 Cute PlaidPatts in 2009 
(or maybe 2010 - for the life of me I couldn't figure out the 2009 and 2010 pics - did they not do 2010? I went nuts looking but stopped when I found myself feverishly clutching a calendar to be certain of the present year. True story.)

I got THIS:

Who is this and how did he escape his straightjacket at the institution???

And THIS -

  Well first you dislocate your shoulders and then...

 I was told there would be rice pudding.

OK, fine, I get it. All kidding aside, our love of RPatts is not THAT shallow. His personality is what keeps us this obsessed, as well as the nice package it's housed in. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I am crying a little over the lost additions to my photo collection. There is a part of me that thinks he's fucking with us; that he is trying to make himself ugly so that we will stop writing about how we want to lick his genitals. [Note to Rob: I've done an informal but very scientifically valid survey of approximately half a dozen Twitards, and it ain't gonna work. Nice try, though.] 

As the photos came streaming in from ComicCon, I about pitched a fit. I felt robbed! And not in a good way... Blah blah blah "it's for Cosmopolis in case they need to reshoot scenes" - whatever - I DON'T CARE. Never in the history of film making has an A-list actor been called upon to walk around in such a high-profile setting looking like he got attacked, held down, and thrashed at with a pair of hair clippers by an angry mob of jealous husbands and S/Os who are tired of their wives and girlfriends running their hands through their hair, sighing despondently, and saying "That's not like Rob's hair..." He must have wanted to do this. The man knows how to wear a beanie AND a baseball cap with aplomb.

I DID notice quite a bit of bronze-y coloring going on; too bad it's not that way in the movie.

Pretty damn nice from this side.

The patented (Pattinsoned?) Sparkle Steel Smolder: so powerful it transcends ridiculous haircuts. Mostly.

So who among us is going to digitally enhance these pics and make it right??? Twitarded minds want to know - there must be a way... Otherwise I'm going to take these photos and fold them in half - either side works - I like short hair Rob! I like tousled bed-head Rob! - but when you put them together, it works about as well as that fucked up dress that Kim Basinger designed and wore to the Oscars years back. {{{sigh}}}

Laaaaaadiiiies, start your photo-editing software!

Photos mostly filched from ROBsessed and Robert Pattinson Life.


  1. He looks like Zorg from the 5th Element.

  2. My eyes. They hurt. Why, Rob, WHY?! This is a bad dream...

  3. OMG I fucking died laughing at this post. I felt the exact same way today when I first started rounding up stuff to post. I felt betrayed. It was so bad.

    There was on particular picture of him from today that made me laugh until I nearly peed myself. It's him sitting at the panel, and it's a close up of his face, but it's at such a weird angle, along with the haircut, it looks like someone cut his face from another pic and pasted it back on crooked. I honestly thought that's what happened until I saw it was an official pic.

    *throws my black veil back over my face and goes back to mourning the sex hair*

  4. I sat at my computer pretending to work all day, just click from screen to screen and once in awhile go to the printer.

    I didn't pay that much attention to how his hair was during filming, but now that it's up close...speechless.

    My office is normally noisy, 26 women all gabbing about crap I don't pay attention to because it isn't Twilight related. Of course, this one day is the day it is silent when these photos show up.

    A loud "WHAT THE FUCK" was heard throughout my office. So glad my boss is an old family friend or I would have been escorted to HR in a heartbeat.

  5. Maybe KStew advised him that it's a good look? We know she has a history of sporting unusual (can I say God-awful? No? I can't say that? OK) hair-doos herself.

    Please don't flame me. I'll admit she is a very pretty girl. I'll also admit I'm jealous she gets to touch the boy with the fucked-up hair.

  6. One more thing . . . doesn't she own a shirt?

    (Ahhhh! I'm really gonna get it now!) **runs away & hides**

  7. "In case they need to reshoot scenes"? Because it doesn't take two minutes to fuck up your hair?! Why couldn't you wait until the end of ComCon?! Why don't you just have a stylist on retainer to fuck your shit up 2 seconds before you walk on set?!

    I just don't get it. What a bust. Throw on the fucking beanie. ...Please?

  8. @Whitley - I know EXACTLY the pic you are talking about. All it needs is a little Hilter mustache.

  9. @ssherrill115 - or Brad Pitt in the insttution parts of 12 Monkeys.

  10. Do you remember taking a magazine clipping to the hairsalon to show what haircut you wanted as teenager?
    I think Rob took a photo of Travis Bickle and Win Butler from Arcade Fire.....

  11. 1st and foremost, do you know how damn awful it was to be mere blocks away from his holyness...err..Robsten?! Then I see the hair and I almost breathe a sigh of relief. "Christ, at least I didn't have to see it in person." The dude is fucking with us. He could have worn a hat or a beany, but the boy decided to let it fly...."Haaa, see if the girls think I'm smolderng now...see what they think with my lopsided do'!"

    Well Rob, brain surgery do' and all, you're still hot. But I feel blessed to have witnessed it from a far. Ok not really. I'm insanely jealous and plan to go stalk ASkars tomorrow in hopes of making up for it. Just sayin. Bet he doesn't have a half-hawk....word courtesy of MC.

    XOXO J

  12. Did he shave half of his head for a bet? Did someone throw gum in his hair?!?! WHAT HAPPENED!?!?!!?

    If this is what his hair looks like in Cosmopwhateveritscalled then I don't want to see it.

    Here are some better Rob hair pics for you. I hope it helps.

  13. Aaaaand I ra-a-an, I ran so far a-way-a-ay, yes, I ra-a-an I ran so far a-way-a-ay.....couldn't get away.

  14. I'm just going to keep telling myself that those guys from Jackass got him with the razor...

    Thank jeebus hair grows. Well, thank jeebus he's young and his hair will grow.

  15. I don't think he's effing with us; I think he got effed with!!!

    Lotta drinking...KStew getting all, "Oh, we could ... like ... make your hair look all high and tight. You'd look like Elvis! Wait...who are you calling?? Here, have another Red Line. *I* can do it!! No, really!! I'm good!! I'm THAT good!!"

    And, POOF, the rest is history. Of course, he COULDN'T don the beanie!! And upset his beloved?? No...he MUST wear KStew hair loud & proud.

    And if my boys are any indication, and summertime-stimulated follicles being what they are, well be back to....well, I guess Cosmo-Rob in two weeks, tops.

    And because this post is about HAIR, of course my WV is "adowny."

  16. So I'm not the only one who's sat covering half his face with my hand and then the other to see what each style looks like in it's own then? Lol! And to think I mourned when he cut it for WfE! Ha!

  17. I'm with you @James805, if this is what his hair looks like in Cosmpwhateveritscalled I don't want to see it either.
    My guess is that KStew told him to leave it like that coz "it might turn off those dirty old bitches who blog about licking your genitals". No chance of that! Lol!
    W/V anitte-maybe Rob had anitte

  18. @saherrill115--Yes! That's what I tried to figure out all day!

  19. @Anon - Travis Bickle & Win Butler?! HAHAHA!!! Win Butler does have some wonky looking hair...

    and apparently I should not leave comments when i am half asleep and typing standing up as i sort of closed the laptop - eh - maybe TK will forgive my typos...

  20. @VitaminR - now I am going to be singing that song in my head all day - lol!

    @Stan - nope, it's not just you. there are little paw prints alllll over my monitors.I'm hoping that at LEAST we'll get a return to post-Twi buzz-cut rob, you know???

  21. OK, I confess, after seeing the infamous coif catastrophe, I had to Google Cosmopolis to see wtf it was about. Turns out it's about a day in the life of a wealthy man on his way across Manhattan to get his hair cut. It takes him all day to get across town because he gets stuck in one traffic jam after another. By the end of the day, because of the current economy and a bad decision, he's lost everything. Apparently becoming a poor man with a bad haircut (because he could only afford half of one?) Whatevs, the story sounds as bizarre as the new do - translation: very "Art House"

    WV: maser

  22. @TheRugbyMom - HOW DARE YOU JUDGE THE KSTEW!! Don't you know she is the Untouchable and NO ONE can ever make one single criticism of her EVERRRRRRR???

    Make fun of RPattz? You betcha! Make fun of KStew? Total double standard. Shame on you. ;) (Sorry, I just couldn't help myself, lol)

    @Anonymous - Travis Bickle and Win Butler??? DYING. LMAO!!

    The hair is... bad. He has to be doing it on purpose.

  23. Never mind his god darn hair....peeps, Twitarded posted on the actual day of an event!!!!!!! This will go down in history more than that awful butchered hair.

    Let's hope they decide sooner rather than later about any re-shoots.

    RIP peacoat


  24. I must confess...I sort of like it. Maybe because it takes me back to the 80's and Flock of Seagulls???

  25. His hair is like two face... or the half man half woman. Either way you know you bitches would still yank the shit out of it if you could ;)

    p.s. I really wanted to comment because my verification word is "Backette" LOL


    FYI's not enough to keep the female population away. :-)

  27. Sweet baby jesus. Kristen must have done this while he slept or some other drug snorting shedevil. Please...for the love of all that is pure and right shave your head Lova!

  28. I kinda think it's cool...whatev he has had so many hair styles lately.. I miss Rome hair Rob..but I like WFE hair too..he's going to have short hair after all the'll grow..
    Agirlinthesouth..takes me back to the 80's too. From what I can remember of

  29. Sorry Snarkalicious....Mama's a fan of the #HalfHawk. Because basically, it's the follicular equivalent of the middle finger.

    And God knows I love his fingers....


  30. @Mama Cougar - No need to apologize to me! Imma go out on a limb here and say there is probably nothing he could do that would sway your cougar-y adoration - lol! I still get to poke fun though, right??? C'MON!!! And I hear I need to tip my hat for "HalfHawk" - awesome! : )

  31. It doesn't bother me that much only because I know the next step is the total buzz cut and I loves me some buzz cut Rob. Love love LOVE! I just think it's funny he had to show up at a high profile event like Comic Con with fucked up hair. Meh, I still want to lick his genitals.

    This is possibly the greatest blog post title EVER in the history of blog posts.

  32. Rob has no idea what you are all talking about. He doesn't own a mirror.

  33. I too think he's just fucking with us. Won't work - Sorry Rob.

  34. @VitaminR - thanks for that. I'm with STY and will have that going through my head all day long.

    When I saw this, I let out a string of profanity that had my husband coming into my office asking me what was wrong. How to explain? I got out "Rob Pattinson..."and he rolled his eyes and left.

    However, on a happier note, I did read somewhere that Rob is totally cool with cougars who want to lick his genitals. Good boy. He knows who lines his pockets. I wish I could find the link...

    I have been following Cosmopol...whatever it is, and everything I have seen, the man looks HOT. NOM NOM NOM. This travesty must only be a small part of the movie. I hope.

  35. today includes a slideshow of nutty costumes at Comic-Con again, and this year amid the cyborgs and the like is one strangely humanoid set of faces, with the cutline:

    "Yes, Robert Pattinson, your silly haircut has landed you in a gallery with the rest of the freaks. Get comfortable."

  36. Where is that f'ing hat when you need it? Hopefully they will be done with cosmopolis soon.

    @VitaminR--thanks, i ran...

    Word ver--armsaw, (In my best red neck voice) Looks like someone took a armsaw to your hair boy!

  37. I'm really glad that I'm not the only one who kind of likes it!
    call me weird, but it's hot LOL!

  38. @Rob's Bitch - I seriously don't think he ever looks in the mirror.

    Now don't beat me, mkay? But really..if "I'm barely legal" Taycob can manage a leather jacket over a t-shirt to look decent, can't our beloved Rob show up at one of these wearing something that doesn't look like it came out of the bottom of the hamper? As much as I may want to lick him from head to toe, there are times when I think he'd have to shower first. I'm moving to another country now so you bitches can't find me and kick my ass!

  39. maybe, JUST maybe he thought he'd audition for Two-face in the next Batman movie..... at least I hope there's a reason... I admit it's different, but somehow to me he didn't lose his appeal... *how strange*


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