Sunday, September 18, 2011

I'm Feeling Stabby: Episode 1,234,888,478,989...

 It's Sunday and, in general, I turn into a sad, cranky bastard on Sundays. It usually starts out okay but somewhere during the afternoon it suddenly occurs to me that I have to work the next day and then I get all kinds of rage-y about it, especially since I left work on Friday in a complete irate lather, thanks to a 13 email-trail of pure fucking Stupid.

To: Jenny Jerkface
From: Imma Cockhole

Hi JJ:

I have a client meeting in 45 seconds and I need you to compile a detailed spreadsheet of our year-to-date spent from the last five years.

Also, can you please explain to me what I did last Tuesday? I know I worked.

Need asap.

Mother. Fucker. Breathe, breathe, breathe...

To: Imma Cockhole
From: Jenny Jerkface

Hi Imma:

I'm afraid that there is no way I can complete the task you're asking me to do in such a short period of time. As you've been told every other time you ask me to do something like this, I do not have the ability to defy the time-space continuum or the law of physics to do the impossible.

Also, have you had a chance to approve the April reports I sent you months ago and have been hounding you for on a near daily basis ever since? I really need to complete this month's reporting.


Put that in your pipe and smoke it, asshat.

To: Jenny Jerkface
From: Imma Cockhole


This is absolutely unacceptable. I don't understand why this request cannot be completed with little to no advance warning. I may not have any idea of what you do but I don't see why it should take you any more than a few seconds to go through millions upon millions of line items and charges.

Not happy, JJ.

You'll get your April reports when I have a moment. I'm currently out having a latte with the other useless person from floor 9.

Best, Imma.

Now, imagine this email trail going back and forth for TWO HOURS, until I finally threw my hands up and shrieked, "DID YOU DRINK A BOWL OF STUPID FOR BREAKFAST, YOU DUMB FUCKING DUMB-FUCK!?!"

It's a good thing Cockhole doesn't sit on my floor.

Anyway, this is why Sundays suck. I just can't stop thinking about the fuckery I will face in less than twenty-four hours when I open my inbox to find 103 emails of pure idiocy.

Naturally, because I'm already in the mind-set to behave like a total douche-pecker, pretty much anything is irking me today but there was one thing that made me so fucking mad my teeth actually hurt.

It's this:

That is the view from my toilet. That black crumpled thing is a hand towel. That light green carpet thing-y is a bath mat. Typically, bath mats are supposed to next to the bathtub but for some reason mine sort of floats haphazardly around the bathroom floor. I'm 99% positive that ML does a fucking jig on that carpet each time he goes to the bathroom.

More importantly - PICK UP THE FUCKING HAND TOWEL, ML!!!

I just don't get it. Does an item become electrified when it falls on the ground? Like being incapable of refilling ice cube trays, ML apparently can't pick up fucking hand towels when they fall on the ground. (It's also a REALLY good thing ML doesn't read this blog, or he'd probably smother me with a pillow or something).

This isn't just an isolated incident, either. ML claims he doesn't see shit like this. It's like the second something hits the ground, it disappears from view, like Harry Potter and his invisibility cloak. Anything ML drops will remain on the floor until I pick it up or yell at him to pick it up.

I've been told it's a guy thing. If that's the case, I'm just going to start walking around the house, swinging my arms wildly and when ML complains that I keep hitting him I'm just gonna say, "it's a girl thing, ML."

Don't get me wrong, ML does  A LOT around the house. Probably more than most dudes. And he's an awesome gardener and he hasn't dumped me even though it's been like six years and ALL my crazy has surfaced at one point or another.

But still, man. Pick up the fucking hand towel.

So tell me, ladies - is it really just a "guy thing"?


  1. It's an "everybody in your house but you" thing. At least it is in my house, I don't know how I ever even worked..I feel like a freakin cook/laundress/cabbie/slave.. I think at this point I NEED to go back to work. Thank GOD I have my days know that eye twitch thing..the blinky one where your brain sorta goes insane for a bit?/ that x a million.. Relax JJ.. and a week or so you can take a break and forget the world for a bit..can't wait to see ya.

  2. You're so not alone! This cracked me up, but it shouldn't because this level of fuckery happens to me all the time.

  3. My hubs leaves our hand towel crinkled up after he drys his hands. Now come on! It was nicely folded when you picked it up!

    Emails, say "sorry I haven't gotten them. Are you sure you hit send?"

    Monday I am sending out a email saying I going on vacation. Get your requests in by Fri the 23rd or you will be waiting til Oct 4 when I return.

  4. We call it the cleaning fairy. My kids totally think that dropping towels/clothing/garbage on the floor is acceptable because the cleaning fairy will swoop in and handle it. Unfortunately instead of a benevolent cleaning fairy they get me, and instead of picking it up I gently place it into their beds so they can't sleep until they deal with it. Ketchup bottle left on the table? Tucked into the bed. Tufts of dryer lint thrown on the laundry room floor? Turned into erstwhile decorative pillows. Shoes left in the foyer? Hidden in the sheets. Mommy doesn't eff around.

  5. Mine does the same thing. He leaves his dirty clothes in the floor too. I once left them there and refused to wash them until he put them in the hamper. Do you know that every single item of clothes he has was dirty in that pile and the stupid bastard was going through it picking out clothes instead of putting them in the hamper to be washed. He never did pick them up. I finally got pissed, told him he was one IQ point shy of riding the short bus and threw them out the window and they were out there for two days before he went and got them.

  6. *raises hand* I don't pick up hand towels that fall on the floor... the floor is dirty in the bathroom! And the towel that hangs there collects germs (according to an episode of Oprah I saw once). I'm a bit OCD so I would rather whip my hands wildly until they dry lol. Plus I feel like if I leave the towel it will say to the person that dropped it in the first place "Yeah I saw it and its gonna stay there until you put it back, jerk!" But hey as long as your not the one dropping the towel we're cool :)

  7. If I had the ability to post a pic on here I would.

    Three things that piss me off about the man in my house. (I have a 21 year old son too but I would need to blog just about him and all the fucktastic shit he does or doesn't do)

    the reason my husband gives me is: "I don't want to wake anyone, especially the kids"
    Really?!?! The MF bathroom he uses is 50 feet away clear on the other side of the house. He must think I enjoy seeing his piss first thing in the morning before I even inject coffee into my rage-filled veins.

    2. I'm so mad, what was #2? Oh yeah, I'm happy that you feel like shaving and cutting your head RIGHT AFTER I CLEAN THE SINK. I mean, it's like a damn alarm goes off. "It must be time to cut my hair, the little woman cleaned the bathroom!" It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't find little hairs on everything...GOD help me if he "slips" and cuts his throat one day.

    3. You really can't put your clothes in the hamper? They MUST go behind the bathroom door? Shit man, the fucking laundry room and basket is 2 feet away!!! But thanks, babe, I love racing to take a shit or piss and having the door smack me in the elbow because it can't open all the way because your clothes are piled to the FUCKING towel rack!

    I need a drink. I do love the assbag effing mother of a...

  8. I love it when you chicks give me ideas. The only problem is that hubs' bed is MY bed too. If I put all the shit he leaves everywhere in the bed, there wouldn't be room for me to sleep. :o/

    Yeah, mine is on my last nerve lazy-wise. He better be SO glad I'm about to hit the woods with you fabulous twatwaffles so I don't have to hit him with something really heavy. In either of his 'head' areas...

  9. When he had to piss in the middle of the night, my ex used to flush the toilet as soon as he started to piss. With today's eco-friendly low-flush toilets the bowl would empty and fill back up before he finished! [Are you guys old enough to remember NORMAL flush toilets?]

    Another good thing about not having him around? No tiny little hairs in my bathroom sink. Ever!

    About the only thing I miss is not having anyone to kill spiders!

    @Tiffanized - You rock! I'd like to buy you a drink in Fooooooorks!

  10. *high fives Rugby Mom* My ex just picked up the last of his shit today, and I will tell you one of the best things about the last 4 months since he moved out is that I haven't had to clean a tiny-hair-filled sink in four months. WTF is that about? Oh, just leave it, it adds a certain je ne sais quoi to the decor, honey. I always wanted a hairy sink. Eff off.

    LMAO @ TTR getting so mad about her #1 she temporarily forgot #2.

    I agree with all of you on all of this and how fucking frustrating it all is. JJ, I have also heard the "it's a guy thing" excuse, and I personally think it's b.s. My ex used to tell me he couldn't hand wash any of our non-dishwasher-safe stuff because he "didn't know how." Fucking seriously?

    I like Tiffanized's idea - just put the hand towel in his pillowcase or something. Then, when he's all, What's this? You can just say, "You dropped that on the floor, and I didn't want you to lose it, dear." :)


  11. Hearing your pain somehow makes mine more bearable. "It's a guy" and "I just don't see it" are two phrases I never want to hear again (but to see them improbably associated to Harry Potter almost makes it worth it).

  12. This is almost as bad as my daughter throwing her clothes all over the bathroom instead of putting them in the dirty clothes that is right there in the same bathroom. No, it is not necessarily a guy thing in my house.

  13. it's called "dude vision" and it's totally a guy thing. Its not specific to laundry either. It applies to ANYTHING you ask them for.

    I once sent my husband to Raley's to get spaghetti. He returned after half an hour and said "They didn't have any." Really?????? The giant box store with an entire aisle dedicated to pasta products was out of all 17 varieties of spaghetti at the same time?

    He's lucky I didn't stab him in the eyeball with my paring knife.

  14. Ah yes...the joys of office work. Everyone wants instant answers, error free. Ridiculous deadlines, crushing workloads, whiny bosses. That is why I jumped off that crazy train and went to work with little kids. At least when they throw tantrums, it is because they are ACTUALLY three year olds. They are so much fun. Seriously JJ, start thinking of career changes. Life is too short.

    Men are slobs. The end.

  15. Yes, I swear dudes are hardwired to see only what they want. Well, see, hear, do...etc, but that's another topic. In our house it's the socks. Hubs manages to get *most* of his other clothes into his hamper except for his socks. I really don't get it. Is it really that hard to pick up two more things off the living room floor?

  16. Aaaagggghhh that would make me crazy. Wait, why am I saying 'would?' Mr. XKR (I love him, this is one of the few things I can complain about) constantly has a pile of his shoes and clothes on the bench at the end of our bed. Buying that lovely decorative bench? Worst decision ever. It is now just a stand for the five pairs of pajama pants he rotates through (don't pull out another effing pair, there are FOUR already strewn about the room!).

    I (somewhat intentionally) pile his clean laundry along his side of the bed - clean, folded, what a lucky man - so that he can't get into bed without putting it away. Stupid me, that doesn't work. Where does it end up? You guessed it. The bench. I move it back every morning until he puts it away. I might have a passive aggressive tendency.

  17. Ok I can not even comment on this today. 1) It is Monday. 2) I hate work right now. 3) Boys!

    So I will just point you to my most read non-Twilight blog post:
    Which has a picture of socks in it. You will understand.

  18. I hate people at work like that. As for the "It's a guy thing"... I have never lived with a guy other than my brother & dad & they were both pretty clean dudes. One of my former roommates & my current one however are another story. One would let her little dog crap in the house & then not pick it up for DAYS!! The one now will leave dirty dishes in the sink until they are piled up like in a cartoon. I MEAN REALLY??!! I have a really messy room a lot of times but I KEEP IT IN MY ROOM! So it's not always just men that are messy. :-)

  19. The favorite one I have heard was when I left a pile of folded laundry on the couch. I watched as my husband moved it to the coffee table, and then sat down on the couch. I asked him why he didn't just put the laundry away, and he said, "I don't know where it goes."

    It was a pile of his underwear.

    Needless to say, shit went nuclear.

  20. Does Imma Cockhole have any relatives working on the West Coast? Just wondering, cause I'm pretty sure I work with her sister. And don't even get me started on the idiotic things guys do because there's no following the logic.

  21. I think you are psychic, JJ!! I pick up underpants (from the EXACT same spot at pretty much the same time) every day of my life! I had a meltdown about this shit just this morning. I behaved like a crazy woman at 8 am - sobbing into your breakfast, in front of the kids, is not good.

    Not only do men have a blind spot, they are also deaf when it comes to any sort of complaint (or threat of total mental breakdown)where hauswork is concerned. I don't have the answer. I wish I did.

  22. Can you imagine what a craptastic shithole it must be living with Rob?

    I mean the trade off is substantial, but I'm sure it would still be a struggle...

  23. @Rob's Bitch, I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone here when I say it would be awesome to test that theory even if for only a day.

  24. Imma sounds like a Grade A business professional. Is it just me, or does it seem like ALL higher-ups are fuck nozzles? Sorry today was probably the shittiest Monday of the month, but you know...TEN MF DAYS, BITCHES!!!

    As for the ML craziness, I would go orangutan shit. Not even ape shit. Holy fuck. Towels on the floor? Unacceptable! It's not like there's that much room on the floor in the first place! Pick up your crap!

    I can't lie...I am so grateful to have The Bentist. We're both generally tidy, and really, there isn't much that pisses me off. I'm a pretty easy going chick in the first place, so it takes a bit to get me reaching for the knives. But when I do? Well...My brother can point out holes in his bedroom door from when I literally grabbed the knives.

    @Tiff, HOLY GENIUS!!! I am taking that note to my "future motherhood book of shit to do." Amazeballs. Does it work on SOs? JJ, you might want to consider this tactic.

  25. @Tiffanized - Your comment made me laugh SO hard, especially because I have done this - not with children, but with roommates in the past. Even once deposited a half-eaten chicken carcass in one of the guy's bed. He left it there and a week later I came home to find the dog chewing on it.

    @Amers425 - See above comment, lol. Though my roommates were male, they were all slovenly and it would be often I would come home to the house stinking like dog shit and the roomies playing video games.

    @TwiLoveSue - Actually, I think Imma Cockhole IS from the West Coast!! Do we work with the same asshats??? :P

    @Rob's Bitch - I'm sure I would be able to pick my way around the piles of empty Hot Pocket boxes, over flowing ashtrays, scattered beer bottles and unwashed clothing to find his bed. It might not be easy, but I imagine it would be worth it.

    @LindsayRae - I do feel a slight twinge of something like remorse for writing this post. ML is, for a guy, a general clean - oh who the fuck am I kidding. His shit is everywhere.

    But he does do a lot of yardwork and I hate yardwork with a vicious passion...

  26. @tiffanized You Rock!

    ACK! Hubs has the same hole in his vision, I wish I could just place shit in the bed but that mean that I'd be sleeping with it too. Luckily he has his own bathroom and keeps his cloths in the spare room, so I don't deal with half of it. Sheesh he doesn't pick up shit off the floor, nor will he put groceries or anything bought at the store away. It sits on the counter till I do it. Bugger.....

  27. If by guy thing he means doing/not doing something that wants to make you maim, bludgeon and kill simultaneously...then yes. I have been after mine for FIVE YEARS to finish the f'ing patio...and he did once...BUT then he decided it wasn't straight enough and has since been in the process of redoing it....AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.Sorry lost it again. Thank goodness I'm not annoying like that..

  28. Toenail clippings. On the couch. WTF???

  29. I live alone. My bathmat stays where I put it. The dishwasher is stacked correctly. The linen is stored where it belongs. I get FUCKING ENRAGED when people casually sling things in random places WHERE THEY DO NOT LIVE.

    God help the future Mr TwiKiwi.... apparently he is out there somewhere....

  30. I just laughed so hard at this post because its so fucking true. Happens here ALL. THE. TIME!!

    I feel your pain!

  31. And JJ, don't feel bad about writing this post. If he didn't want you to vent, he would pick up the fucking towel.

  32. Ok, before you all eyeroll...let me just say this: Papa C and I have been together for over 25 years. IT TOOK 15 solid years before the conversion from "messy, lazy fucking douchebag bachelor" to "wife-pleasing perfect life partner" was complete. But now, I can proudly say that Papa knows exactly what is expected of him and is at near 100% compliance.

    Dare I even say that he goes above and beyond most days. For example, I have a goregous, one-of-a-kind "Edward Cullen's piano" TV stand that he made for me. And recently, he very meticulously reassembled my FSE, who suffered a near amputation at the waist.

    So, the only current complaint I have is that he injured his shoulder recently and hasn't been able to grip a headboard like I'd like him to. ;-)


    PS He's very excited to meet you all in Forks. And hopefully grip a headboard there.

  33. @MamaC...I love you.

    My list is so long I can't even go there. BUT I loved reading these. It makes me feel not so alone.

    OK just one: Dirty work clothes stripped and left in the living room of our house...daily. The. End.

    Oh and I am positive Rob would push my every way....good and bad. ;-) Then again...he can afford maid service who is not his significant other.

  34. JJ-the bending of time space continum is real because Imma Cockhole apparently works @ my very large company too!!! I'm Allison and a 1.5 year lurker. I love ya'lls posts and I've always wanted to post but, quite frankly my hands hurt from picking up random hand towels and straightening rugs not to mention the 482 emails from Imma and her twatwafle(thx for the new words...its like Seasme Street but for drunk wanna be Rob whores but I digress) minions that I get every fuckin monday. All you all make me laugh and it is a wonderful thing tohelp keep my semi legal switchblade closed so I can enjoy it again tomorrow :)

  35. Wow, I must have the Edward Cullen of non-vampire husbands...he is on vacation this week from his 78 hour a week job and he cleaned the whole house, things I hate doing like dusting ceiling fans, washing miniblinds, washing windows inside and out and hand scrubbing the kitchen floor. I think I will go give him the blow job of his life now that I know how good I have it!


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