Monday, November 28, 2011

Another Spoilerific Breaking Dawn Review

I'm just going to come right out and admit it -- it took me over a week to get to the movies for my second viewing of Breaking Dawn. You can't believe what a failure I feel like right now. I'm blaming it solely on Thanksgiving and the 11 guests we had which required three days of cleaning - therefore foiling any opportunity to get to the theater earlier. *shakes fist to sky* Damn you and all your turkey and fixins goodness!

So here goes...forgive my bulleted lists. It's for the best, trust me. I'll try to be brief, but I really don't see that happening. I have a lot to say. If you missed Jenny Jerkface's review, click here!

The Love:
Sonofabitch! He really pulled off the rolled khakis. (Is that yellow tape on the floor their mark?)
  • The Cullen's eyeballs. I've done nothing but complain about the too-yellow-y contacts throughout both New Moon and Eclipse. BD eyeballs = win!
  • The wedding overall. I couldn't stop smiling. The vows, the kiss (oh MAN the kiss), the speeches... *sigh*
  • Jessica stole every scene she was in - all her snarky remarks just fucking slayed me. And calling Edward "The Hair" - nearly peed my pants!
  • Charlie. That is all. I love everything he does.
  • Just about everything that happened on Isle Esme. The headboard and pillow destruction. (I saw the nip slip...whoa.) Bella trying to seduce Edward with her naughty nighties. So fucking cute I wanted to die.
  • Edward's rolled up khakis. Yum.
  • The black eyes. Something about those black eyes, especially on Edward, especially when he's suffering, make me want to furiously hump his leg.
  • The make-up job on Bella while the fetus is sucking the life from her. Just wow!
  • Absolutely LOVE the ending -- the flashbacks, the venom repairing her broken bones... and when her eyes open red -- exactly how I pictured the first part to end.
The Meh:
I'd be smiling from ear to ear with that waiting for me!
  • Edward as a bad guy. I'm sorry, I just can't stop chuckling at the thought of Edward as a killer. Or as someone pointed out recently -- he's the Dexter of the vampire world!
  • The pre-wedding dream. Um, no. It was like Carrie, only all white.
  • Bella's lack of smiling during the wedding. I guess I would be scared shitless too but how could you not don a huge grin with that waiting for you at the end of the aisle?
  • Stephenie Meyer's too-long cameo appearance. Maybe that's why Bella isn't smiling...she's afraid Steph is after her man.
  • I would've been ok with just hearing the vomiting -- I really don't enjoy seeing the actual puke.
  • While I loved loved loved the whole end of this movie starting with Edward tearing the demon spawn from Bella's womb, I was annoyed by his blood-smeared face -- it looked more like he had been bobbing for meatballs.
The WTF:
Scary fucking eyeballs. Someone hold me, please.
  • The wolves breaking up. I just can't stop snickering during that scene. The whole lot of wolves bother me in general -- except Booboo/Seth. I agree with JJ, he was so adorable.
  • Why the FUCK is Renee's mailbox on the beach? Does the mailman do his sunbathing between houses?
  • Did anyone else notice that Eleazer is the Ice Truck Killer from Dexter?
  • The Denali sister's eyeballs scared the living shit out of me.
  • Where are Jacob's jorts? And shit, those wolves must have stashes of duds everywhere.... they always emerge from the woods fully clothed.
  • I'll always and forever be pissed off that Jacob is so short in these movies. 
  • Bella's blood-stained chicklets grossed me out a little.
I'm sure that as I continue to watch this movie, like with all the others, there will be things I missed. But it's always a good sign when you love more of it than you didn't. And I honestly didn't think it started out on high note -- I was really hoping for that scene where Bella is driving her new car and the guys at the gas station were all ogling it. Weird, I know.

We all knew making this movie was going to be a difficult feat, but in my opinion, Condon did us proud. And fuck me ladies... how hot is Edward wearing a wedding ring... and pajamas...?


  1. GREAT REVIEW!! The Denali eyes WERE quite something. I think it was because of the blonde hair-not enough contrast. I liked the wolves the 2nd time around. I think it was because my expectations were lower in the breakup.
    I'm surprised you didn't mention the imprint....or is that a bad subject for you? I get you guys mixed up all the time.

  2. Here are a few of my thoughts:
    - Already mentioned this, but Happy Edward - more please.
    - Disappointed that when Edward was biting Bella, he didn't seal the bites with his tongue like in the book - I thought that was sweet.
    - Disappointed Bella didn't say, "you're killing my buzz, Edward", one of my fav lines from the book.
    - Crack up OUT LOUD when Jasper steps forward & says "POSSIBLY" - it's just so bad.
    - Love it when Edward & Jacob agree that they are not going to let the wolves hurt Bella.

    Also, I am reading the fanfic called Blood & Lust again - if you haven't read it you MUST do so ASAP.

  3. You are spot on LKW.
    Those freaking eyes on the Denali sisters! Gah! They were more frightening than the birth scene.

    Loved the wedding too; Bella, the dress, and kiss (wow).

    I just about fell out of my seat seeing a smiling and laughing Edward. It did my heart good.

    Wolves looked great. Imprinting... I hated it in the books, made me want to throw up. In BD1, I was impressed on how it was portrayed. Kudos to Condon all around.

  4. So true! Edward and the wedding ring and the pajamas. It was so sweet...and hot.

    Also, did you notice the little, soft hand holding during the wedding kiss? I thought that was sweet...and hot.

  5. Love: Wedding and THE KISS (so freakin' hawt), the toasts, the flirty nighties, the special effects makeup on Corpsella, when Edward "hears" the baby, the whole birth scene, and the CGI effects to make the spawn look more intelligent.

    Hated: The wolf breakup, the endless supply of wolf clothing in the forest, Edward in Brazil and never sparkling, PFach looked horrid, the Denali sisters were just wrong.

    Disappointed: The honeymoon scene. I would have preferred less gore at the end if it meant more sex.

  6. Well done, LKW! Agreed on the Denalis...aren't they supposed to be outrageously gorgeous? Irina looked like a man in drag with bad eyes.

    Fluved seeing smiley Edward sooo hawt and the wedding band *sigh*. Very schmexy, but I'm not sure why?

    When Edward is at the bathroom door and sees skeletal Bella about to get in the bath the look on his face tore my heart! I teared up! Anyone else?

    Overall, Condon is a god and we must forever be grateful that he made the worst book into a great movie.

  7. LKW, you summed it up nicely. I've yet to do that for my blog. I feel that we all are all thinking the same thing. For me the biggest WTF's were the wedding nightmare, the wolves talking like Lion King and the Denali sisters in general (their eyes, their horrible acting).
    Great review!!

  8. I loved this movie. The only thing I missed....I wish they would have had more between Rosalie & Jacob. I missed the blonde jokes, and her making his dog bowl. Can't wait for the next one.

  9. Terrific review!

    Cannot stop mentally referring to Edward as "The Hair" now. Thanks, Jessica!

    Poor PFach! How in the name of all that's Holy could Carlisle Fucking Cullen be made up to be so fugly? Much hate for the make up/hair bitches.

    Bill Condon, I believe someone owes you a blow job 'cause you pretty much rocked the shit outta this one! Kudos!

  10. Oh, and nipple schmipple.....I'd have been much happier with the slip of "just the tip" ala RPattz on Kimmel.

    I can only pray that all of the cut thrusting Rob discussed will be included on the DVD. I needed more ThrustWard!

  11. Oh I loved real vamp Edward. Red eyes, retro suit, and dangerous? YUMMY. Also liked the SM cameo. The Denalis totally underwhelmed me. I don't even know which one was Tanya, and she could totally have stolen the scene with some attempted seduction toward Edward. Meh. Still lived the movie. Also? LOVE the soundtrack.

  12. And, in that picture of the Denalis that you posted, the middle one (Tanya? Kate? See, we should know who's who) looks like an Olsen twin.

  13. Anyone else see a creepy resemblance to Stephenie Meyer in the CGI-enhanced Renesmee-as-a-teen during the imprinting scene? It's like they took Kristen, McKenzie Foy (the actress who plays Renesmee in Pt. 2) and S.M. and morphed them into the same face. Maybe it's just me, but it wierded me out.

    As usual, Summit's hair and make-up, though better this time around, still accomplished the impossible task of making those who are supposed to be the best looking creatures in the book look hideous. (The Denali sisters, Carlisle, Esme, I could go on...) But at least Rosalie looked the best that she ever has, despite her muffin top in various scenes.

    I saw the movie for the 2nd time today. By myself. At noon. At the mall. There, I admitted it. I don't think I will ever say it out loud to anyone else. So thanks, fellow Twitards, for letting me unburden myself!

  14. Thanks a lot for your spot-on and hilarious reviews. My fav parts: giggling Edward, honeymoon scenes - I think they were sweet and lovely - Bella's transformation and flashback, the soundtrack -love they included the music of the first Twilight, which is still my favorite film of the saga. Thank you Bill Condon for making another addictive film (saw it 5 times already, I said it, "out loud").

  15. OMG, I totally forgot to mention my feelings on the whole imprinting thing. I think it would've been filed under my "Meh" heading. I didn't hate it but I thought if you hadn't read the book, you would have been a little like what the fuck is happening.

    And a friend of mine made a good point. In the movie, Jacob sees Renesdemonspawn when she's freshly chewed out of the womb -- shouldn't he have imprinted at that moment? The first moment he saw her?

    Going to see it again Friday night. I'm sure I'll find something new to either fawn over or fucking rant about.

  16. I went with the BF and had to explain the imprinting thing...weird..he still loves me thank god! Did anyone spot the sneakers beneath the wedding dress in the woods? I wonder if that was meant to be seen or on Kristen's rider??

  17. Yes, saw the sneakers the second time. Also spotted Rosalie's muffin top. For some reason the sex scenes seemed much shorter the 2nd time I saw it :( Edwards's foot sticking out the end of the bed during one scene looked totally stupid. And Esme's incredibly elongated forehead struck again. Still love it though. Haven't gone to see a movie twice in the cinema since TLOTR Two Towers in 2002.

  18. "Bella's blood-stained chicklets grossed me out a little." I actually was impressed with this attention to detail even if grossed out (which I am sure was intended).

    I am surprised at how many of you are surprised that the Denali sister's weren't gorgeous - we already know Summit or whomever in these movies doesn't do gorgeous for the actors but in fact reduces the gorgeous of what is already there.

  19. HFS. So much to love, and so much to love hating.

    My hands down favourite thing of all time? Edward with a wedding ring. Even if sometimes I was convinced it wasn't there. I guess I'll just have to go back again and check some more.

    W/V - tomor. Funny, tomor I am going back to the cinema for round three!


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