Thursday, August 12, 2010

Twi-Curious & Looking for Edward

So I was trying to be REALLY good at work today and actually do actual work-related work because ZOMFG I have been busy since getting back from BlogHer (vacation-backlash - you've all been there) and have fallen incredibly far behind and this has nothing to do with all the time I spent in the Twidom during office hours (probably) but I figured I'd give it a try and actually apply myself to office-y stuff. No checking in on the blog comments, no non-work-y email account checking, no surfing for Rob porn.

Like I need a cubicle to remind me of this fact...
(Mine is not this joyless, btw. or neat.)

It was NO fun at ALL, let me tell you. By 11:00 this morning, I was in full-blown withdrawal, calling all of my clients "Edward" and asking them if they sparkled in the sunlight. Something had to be done. So I figured since I hadn't really thought to include Twitter in my self-imposed exile from the blogosphere, it would be ok if I checked in... You know, just for a second... And let me tell you, if work was one-tenth as fun as Twitter, I'd be an A+ worker-bee. Anyway, one tweet in particular stood out... It was from Myg (and apparently KSpice75 was simultaneously sending it to JJ, which probably speaks volumes about us and possibly not in a sane way) and it went a little something like this (ok it went exactly like this - you are all smart people and you know "cut & paste" when you see it) -

Myg@SnarkierThanYou @Latchkeywife @JennyJerkface, I think there's a post in here for you.

And as usual, Myg was TOTALLY right. Behold this "talent gigs" post that went up on Craigslist yesterday - I love this chick and I think she needs to join us in Forks...

Be the Edward to my Bella (Dallas)

Date: 2010-08-11, 4:10PM CDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

My aunt just died and left me some cash with instructions to blow it however I want. Not into drugs. Fucking LOVE Twilight. Also, a lesbian. It's relevant, I swear.

I'm sure this ad will get me some creepers, but it might be worth it.

I will pay you $50 an hour to act like Edward for me. My schedule is flexible, and it would only be a few hours a week. I do NOT want any sex or kissing, but some platonic cuddling would be nice. You need to physically resemble Edward to some degree. You need to put on some sort of sparkly stuff on your face before hand. I'll ask you to hold ice for a while (not a dangerous while) so that when you touch me your hands are cold.

I'm going to be clumsy, and you're going to stare at me and tell me how awesome I am and treat me amazingly. If you can quote the book/act out small scenes with me I'll even pay you more.

I know this is stupid, but this book is the first time I've understood being attracted to any guy, and I want to play with it. Reminder: this is NOT SEXUAL. It's an emotional itch that I can now afford to scratch.

Please send me a picture to confirm that you somewhat resemble Edward (hair length/color, skin color, build of body are most important). If you wear glasses you'll need to be able to function without them. I'm willing to buy you the right outfits so don't worry about clothes.

Serious replies only.


Currently hanging in a closet somewhere in Dallas.

The funniest thing??? This doesn't sound all that preposterous to me (I admit that this signals I'm a little crazy). I forwarded it to a friend at work who declared it a sign of the apocalypse [JJ's note - a sparkly vampire apocalypse?!? Awesome!!], but frankly, I get it. There, I admitted it. I would never have the balls to do this (plus I am a married heterosexual woman and not a Twi-curious lesbian AND I don't have any wealthy and recently departed aunts, but let's not quibble here) but good for her! Scratch that itch, girl!

Let us know how it works out, Twi-Curious! And if it does work out, please send pictures of this guy. PLEASE. I'm begging you.

That's right: I am so hot I can get people to switch teams for me. Deal with it.


  1. Okay, so apart from the fact that it's hillarious, I get it too. Good for her!

  2. This is the craziest yet awesomest personal ad ever. *Ever*. I really hope for an update from this chick so we can see what her sparkling Edward clone looks like.

  3. STY PLEASE tell me you or JJ emailed her so we can get a follow up and see how this turned out! Maybe she can forward some of the funny replies she gets from the ad.

    Also...if she's a lesbian and finds an Edward look alike but doesn't want anything sexual with him....DIBS! Send him this way when you're done. Maybe with the clothes and the glitter as well. :)

  4. @Jaymes805 - I didn't email her but I am kinda hoping she finds us...

    : )

    @CC - right??? yes it's weird. but it's OUR kinda weird! lol...

    @Jess - crossing my fingers for an update too!

  5. I think an Edward/Rob lookalike needs to be hired for FOOORKSSSS....Just sayin

  6. Sweet mother of god this chick rocks! I hope she video tapes it and throws it up on iTunes! I wish I had the disposable income to do something like it. I hope she finds her way here and keeps us updated.

  7. Love it! I'm stressing over a job interview tomorrow and this was just what I needed to put everything into perspective. :)

    w/v = plece. Plece find me an Edward look-alike.

  8. Hmm maybe someone will ask her for an update ;) She'll prob think I'm crazy but I'll go for it. I mean that's a "serious reply" right? :p

  9. Awww, yeah. Maybe it was Edward's pretty lipstick that flipped her switch?

  10. Remember a few thousand Twitarded posts ago, you asked what crazy things we had done because of Twilight had undone us?

    I think this is the craziest yet!

    You could probably add this to your "100 ways Twilight changed my life" list (I keep that list in my cube for inspiration)

  11. I vote for a petition on an update. Maybe if we all request, it will definitely be a "serious reply". I think we all want this chick to find her glittery Robward! :D

  12. Hey, it's totally true. I play for the other team and I have some serious lust for Edward (& Rob). I can't get enough Osa Bella cuz of the lemons. (Not ONLY cuz of the lemons but it's a major factor). I don't fight it or put a lot of deep thought into it. It is what it is.

  13. I requested an update from her... I'll keep all of you Twitards posted if I hear anything. :)

  14. I love this chick! If I were not a) married, b) broke, and c) scared I'd get some crazy ass physco killer, I'd take out an add like this too! Kudos to her!!

  15. Ok MYG. How in the hell did you find my personal ad??! Huh??? LMFAO!
    Actually, I'm a happily married heterosexual chica in Dallas ready to jump Edward's bones, literally, for this girl. I'm tempted to track this girl down and take local pics for you twat-waffles. It's saying something though that ALL "teams" are Team Edward. :D

  16. OMFG! This is so hilarious. I am so excited to tell you that I am going to see Kathy Griffin on tour this Saturday in Atlanta. Are any of you Kathy Griffin fans? I also went to see Craig Ferguson in April. He was hilarious!

  17. P.S. @STY: withdrawal symptoms get exponentially worse after four hours and peak around 72 hours. (if you can last that long)

    Symptoms of "Ecstasy" (aka: the precious) withdrawal include:
    * Agitation
    * Anxiety
    * Panic Attacks
    * Increased tearing
    * Insomnia
    * Sweating
    * Abdominal cramping
    * Diarrhea
    * Psychosis
    * Paranoid Delusions
    Trust me...I'm a professional.

  18. Love it!

    I totally get her...who wouldn't want a bit of Edward in your life?!

    I'm greedy though and a bit wouldn't be enough!

    Look forward to an update @jaymes805 :)

  19. This is too good to be true!!!! Ok, so I have two Edward options that I've found for the curious lez and I happened to find them both on October 31, 2009. (Halloween).

    Anyway, one was clearly not in it to win it, although he spent a lot of money on white stuff for his face. The other however, was living and breathing Edward. This dude THOUGHT he was Edward. Image of both below...

    Ok, so the story gets weird...I took a couple pics with the Edward that thinks he's Edward and he was eating up my drunk infatuation that I was throwing at him (my husband was off talking to someone else). Pic below...

    SO, at like 2am I'm walking out of Mel's Diner SUPER annoyed with the husb who's extremely inebriated, and there Edward is - in Mel's too. So he chases me out the door and hops the waist high fence like he's in a FREAKING MOVIE and tells me to wait and I don't know what he was planning to say or do, but I got the hell in a cab as the husb stumbled in behind a minute later and we got outa there!

    Dude really thought he was a fictional movie character. I would bet money this guy would be Edward for this woman. And she wouldn't even have to pay him!!!

  20. @STY - Laughing out loud!

    Love that comment somewhere above *too lazy to scroll* about all teams being team Edward - hells yeah!

    @Courtney - that guy is kinda hot... shame he seems a little delusional!

  21. @Courtney - yeah he totally seems like he's WAAAAAY into the character - lol! the other guy just had a girlfriend who spent too much money on over-priced shit at the Halloween Store and he's playing along because it might get him laid (I KNOW people lol).

    @Jaymes805 - Cool! i hope she doesn't hate us for posting this - lol! but how could i NOT??? er, plus I didn't get home from work-work until after 8:00 last night (yeah that whole "focusing on work" thing TOTALLY didn't pay off and won't be repeated) so it was kiiiinda nice that she had practically written my whole post for me - heh-heh. it ws like someone had dropped a bit twibloggy present right in my lap!

  22. I love this chick. She's fucking awesome for doing that.

    I really hope she finds herself an Edward to cuddle with!!

  23. I am in love with this woman. I hope she succeeds, and gives us every detail. I've decided that if my husband dies tragicly, this is how I will spend his life insurance money. Now, I am officially going to hell.

  24. @STY- Haha yes, you definitely needed to post this, its one of the best craigslist ads I've ever seen. I haven't heard anything from her yet... I was worried she might be mad too but how can she be upset when all of us agree that her post is freaking awesome. We're all looking for our Edward, but she's the only one who is actively doing something about it...unless you count us going to Forks as "actively searching for Edward." :)

    I agree with the whole "trying to focus on work" thing. I tried to focus on work once, and it didn't turn out well, I was useless the entire next day because it was way too much pressure haha..I don't think it's good for a persons well being. It probably doesn't help much that "Twitarded" is listed as my favorites on internet explorer at work. For every 10 minutes of work done, I reward myself with 5 minutes of Twilight related material. It works! You should try it. :)

  25. @PurpleCupcake If you're going to hell, where am I going now that I've decided to get my husband a life insurance policy for the same reason?

    @STY I know you're workin' hard and all, but I thought you might wanna see this:

    w/v: puggate?!

  26. so I can kinda relate to this...I dated a girl for about 8 years...found twilight and BOOM switched lie...The Precious is that powerful I guess...I don't think I'd pay someone to be Edward though, I would however, pay Robert Pattinson to cuddle with me...haha the obsession is that bad folks...

  27. whoa, that's deep. i can't relate. however - if that's your thing go for it. no regrets. live life to its fullest- yadda, yadda, yadda.

  28. I see a movie plot here. Lesbian hires an Edward on Craigslist to woo and compliment her...they start to have real feelings for eachother...she second guesses her sexuality...past girlfriend gets jealous and wants her back...she fires fake Edward but after dramatic argument with ex-girlfriend, she finds said Edward and flys back into his sparkly arms for evers and evers. Movie studios, feel free to contact me regarding locking me in as creative director.

  29. @AustinMamaDrama Hilarious! Definitely a straight-to-video film. I wonder if there's a FF story out there like this? Every other plot seems to be covered.

    This chick has some serious balls. I think it's great but I'm sorta scared for the replies she'll get. I bet these dudes (dudettes?) won't even look like Edward and that would be just creepy. I'd rather snuggle FSE even if he's cardboard than a bad real imitation (ooh oxymoron). Jeebus did that even make sense?

    I hope we get update on this, she deserves her 15 minutes of fame!

  30. holy fucking christ. I haven't laughed so hard since Conan went off the air.

    I had already composed an email to this woman and was about to hit send when I decided to read the comments and make sure someone else hadn't already done it. Yes!

    Oh, PLEASE, PLEASE we need an update. She should pay the guy extra to take pictures and even more for video. They could be the next big thing on YouTube.

    I'm a switch hitter but something about Twi-lemons really does something for me when regular female-fiction-porn does not.

  31. @Mandy... I have to comment on the "Get Off My Dick" picture.

    First of all... isn't the back of his neck fuck-tastic??? And look at that hair. Can you believe that SM made gingers the hotest thing going? I mean... I even look at them differently. I actually just got back from the grocery store and this nice looking ginger dude was the checker. I couldn't help looking at him and just smiling like an idiot.

    Another hot ginger??? Adam Lambert. Of course he hides his gingerness, but it's under there... and he's HOTTER than HOT (and makes RPatz look like a complete idiot when you compare their interviews).

    As for the "Get Off My Dick"... eh. If people were chasing me around all day taking pictures of the back of my fuck-tastic neck I might wear a t-shirt like that too... although it would be a lot funnier on me (for those of you following along at home -- because of my lack of dick).

  32. I have an update on this....sent it over to STY and JJ earlier this afternoon. :)

  33. I know! Right?

    Yes please! If this works out for her, we'll all be doing it!


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