C'mon, admit it--you've thought about it: If I could have one super-power, which one would it be? For the sake of keeping my lunatic rambling to a minimum, I'm talking only about Twilight-y vampy super-powers. None of that Spideysense shit (though shooting webs from your wrists is pretty damn nifty, imo). I'm talking about Edward's mind reading abilities, Jasper's ability to control emotions, or Rosalie's ability to be a complete and total bitch.
I've bandied this little idea around here and there but it wasn't until last night (well, this morning, technically) that I really hunkered down and gave it some thought, mainly because I didn't really have a choice. So, from about 12:45 am (when STY's cell phone crank called me from her purse) to about 3 am (when I finally, finally fell asleep - fuck you very much, insomnia) I had nothing to do but think.
More specifically, I thought about which superpowers I would like to have and what I would do with them [note from STY: your go-to Twilight "happy place" needs some work. Just sayin'...]. Given the circumstances, if there was a superpower that would have rendered me unconscious for a solid six hours of sleep I would have taken that but alas, there wasn't. So I let myself mull over the other possibilities.
The first thing I had to decide was 'what would I use my power for?' I can't help but think of what Peter Parker's uncle says - "with great power comes great responsibility" or something like that.
Responsibility reschmonsibility. Superpowers would be no fun if you couldn't abuse the shit out of them. At least sometimes...
Let's face it: Given the opportunity, I would probably end up running around mindfucking every person I came into contact with. Oh, the possibilities! The rascally antics! [Clearly, like Edward, I wouldn't be the good guy. Well, except that he made a concerted effort to be good. And was emo about it from time to time. Never mind - I'm not like Edward after all.]
I'm only going to contemplate a few choice ones, namely the ones that have a inherent potential for abuse, mayhem and laughter at the expense of others. For example, Eleazar's power to discern the abilities of other vampires is SO JV-league. I'm going starter-Varsity here. I want a vampy-super-power letter jacket, thank you very much.
Jasper - Ability to Control Emotion
Charisma is important. That's why it's on the list of 'ability scores' in Dungeons and Dragons and you would have to roll a thirty-gazillion sided die to get your scores. Ahem, or at least that's what I've heard, because I would never be THAT geeky [oh fine, yes I was]. Jasper had the ability to effect people's emotions, make them calm, confused, relaxed, happy, angry, etc. Ever push someone's buttons because you KNOW it's gonna piss them off big-time? This is SO much better than that.
This one has real potential. Make a major mistake at work? With a little concentration you can calm the boss down, get her to tear up the pink slip, and the next thing you know you've got a promotion and an office. With a door! Boss is happy, you're happy - I say win all around.
Run into an ex? No worries there! With a little focus you could have him sobbing into his beer as he realizes that his life is nothing (noth-sob-ing!) without you in it. And all without your lifting so much as your little finger.
Speeding tickets would be a thing of the past! Just project an overwhelming amount of love on that cop and you're off the hook [it's like the True Blood "dazzle the cop" scene]. No more offering of oral services for a get out of jail free card. Just a happy smile and a little mind manipulation. Easy peasy.
Alice - Ability to Foresee the Future
Three words: I'm rich, bitch! However, it would be nice to have a little warning for the following: getting shit-canned at work [although it wouldn't really matter because you'd already be filthy rich, so...], avoiding fatal/potentially maiming accidents or getting a heads-up that you're going to accidentally pee yourself at a party ("Oh noes! I'm lizzing! Squeech!!"), run into the aforementioned ex or otherwise embarrass yourself mightily in some way, shape or form. Image yourself in a state of blissful preparedness for absolutely anything that might come your way. 'nuff said.
Jane - Ability to Inflict a World of Hurtin'
Jane's ability is to give off an illusion of pain. This is one ability I should never, ever be allowed to possess [STY's note - oh brother is it! I mean, I want lasers or flamethrowers on my car and I shouldn't have that, either...]. It's like the time I moved to a bad neighborhood and Daddy (not a)Jerkface asked me if I wanted a gun. Although, I considered for a nanosecond the street value of a gun in the 'hood - hey times were tough and a girl can't live on ramen noodles alone. For long, anyway...
I'm simply too jumpy and paranoid for anything that would be injurious to others. Some poor sap would come up to me asking for directions and the next thing he'd know all he's fetal and crying for his mommy and sucking his thumb all because he startled me and I used my Jane-esque mind voodoo on the sucker. Boy, would I feel bad, I guess. I'll just stick to nursing malevolent thoughts...
Zafrina - Ability to Make People Abso-fucking-lutley Nuts
Zafrina was one of the coolest vamps, power-wise. She had the ability to project illusions on people, which would be AWESOME on a crowded subway, provided I was not actually on it. Oh yeah, this is probably another power I should never get my little chubby paws on. Everyone around me would probably end up in a perpetual state of bad acid trip.
Me - And this is the guest room where you'll be staying...
Unsuspecting Friend/Loved One - Oh this is nice... Wait, what's going on? Where are we? OH MY GAWD WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
ME - [hiding grin] What's wrong?
UF/LO - AAAAGHHH, IS THIS HELL?! FLAMES EVERYWHERE!! NOOOOOOO!
Me - Dude, it's just a guest room. Chill.
UF/LO - AH MAH GAHD, GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!
It'd be a hit at parties, though. Right?
However, while I am twisted enough to covet the "HAHA I can mess with you" super-powers, there is one power I know definitively that I would NOT want: the ability to read minds. Sure, at first glance it might seem tempting, but think about it: not only is it totally schizophrenic and disconcerting to have a million peoples' thoughts roaming around in your noggin, but you would also be privy to those peoples' thoughts about you. And I gotta be honest - I'd really rather not know what people are thinking about me because chances are, it ain't all that nice.
Snarkier Than You - Oh, my wonderful bff, you're here! Come on in, let me get you drink.
Me - aww, thanks! You're so good to - whoa! What's wrong with this shirt?!
STY - Er, nothing, I didn't say anyth-
Me - It is NOT a slutty shirt!
STY - Um, I didn't say that! I just thought it was a little reveal-
Me - A two-bit whore?! You think I look like a two-bit whore?
STY - Er, no! I would never think -
Me - I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST THOUGHT THAT!!! I'm outta here! You're SO mean!
Er, yeah, I'll skip out on the mind reading, thanks. Even though in her defense - or not, depending on how you look at it - I wouldn't need mind-reading capabilities to know if Little Miss "That's A Lotta Tit For Camping" Snarky thought my shirt was a tad ta-ta-licious.
Ignorance is bliss, after all.
Here it is...your moment of Robert Pattinson
3 hours ago