Wednesday, August 5, 2009

What Vampire Power Would YOU Want?

C'mon, admit it--you've thought about it: If I could have one super-power, which one would it be? For the sake of keeping my lunatic rambling to a minimum, I'm talking only about Twilight-y vampy super-powers. None of that Spideysense shit (though shooting webs from your wrists is pretty damn nifty, imo). I'm talking about Edward's mind reading abilities, Jasper's ability to control emotions, or Rosalie's ability to be a complete and total bitch.

I've bandied this little idea around here and there but it wasn't until last night (well, this morning, technically) that I really hunkered down and gave it some thought, mainly because I didn't really have a choice. So, from about 12:45 am (when STY's cell phone crank called me from her purse) to about 3 am (when I finally, finally fell asleep - fuck you very much, insomnia) I had nothing to do but think.

More specifically, I thought about which superpowers I would like to have and what I would do with them [note from STY: your go-to Twilight "happy place" needs some work. Just sayin'...]. Given the circumstances, if there was a superpower that would have rendered me unconscious for a solid six hours of sleep I would have taken that but alas, there wasn't. So I let myself mull over the other possibilities.

The first thing I had to decide was 'what would I use my power for?' I can't help but think of what Peter Parker's uncle says - "with great power comes great responsibility" or something like that.

Responsibility reschmonsibility. Superpowers would be no fun if you couldn't abuse the shit out of them. At least sometimes...

Let's face it: Given the opportunity, I would probably end up running around mindfucking every person I came into contact with. Oh, the possibilities! The rascally antics! [Clearly, like Edward, I wouldn't be the good guy. Well, except that he made a concerted effort to be good. And was emo about it from time to time. Never mind - I'm not like Edward after all.]

I'm only going to contemplate a few choice ones, namely the ones that have a inherent potential for abuse, mayhem and laughter at the expense of others. For example, Eleazar's power to discern the abilities of other vampires is SO JV-league. I'm going starter-Varsity here. I want a vampy-super-power letter jacket, thank you very much.

Jasper - Ability to Control Emotion
Charisma is important. That's why it's on the list of 'ability scores' in Dungeons and Dragons and you would have to roll a thirty-gazillion sided die to get your scores. Ahem, or at least that's what I've heard, because I would never be THAT geeky [oh fine, yes I was]. Jasper had the ability to effect people's emotions, make them calm, confused, relaxed, happy, angry, etc. Ever push someone's buttons because you KNOW it's gonna piss them off big-time? This is SO much better than that.

This one has real potential. Make a major mistake at work? With a little concentration you can calm the boss down, get her to tear up the pink slip, and the next thing you know you've got a promotion and an office. With a door! Boss is happy, you're happy - I say win all around.

Run into an ex? No worries there! With a little focus you could have him sobbing into his beer as he realizes that his life is nothing (noth-sob-ing!) without you in it. And all without your lifting so much as your little finger.

Speeding tickets would be a thing of the past! Just project an overwhelming amount of love on that cop and you're off the hook [it's like the True Blood "dazzle the cop" scene]. No more offering of oral services for a get out of jail free card. Just a happy smile and a little mind manipulation. Easy peasy.

Alice - Ability to Foresee the Future
Three words: I'm rich, bitch! However, it would be nice to have a little warning for the following: getting shit-canned at work [although it wouldn't really matter because you'd already be filthy rich, so...], avoiding fatal/potentially maiming accidents or getting a heads-up that you're going to accidentally pee yourself at a party ("Oh noes! I'm lizzing! Squeech!!"), run into the aforementioned ex or otherwise embarrass yourself mightily in some way, shape or form. Image yourself in a state of blissful preparedness for absolutely anything that might come your way. 'nuff said.

Cuz' that shit is going to make me RICH...

Jane - Ability to Inflict a World of Hurtin'
Jane's ability is to give off an illusion of pain. This is one ability I should never, ever be allowed to possess [STY's note - oh brother is it! I mean, I want lasers or flamethrowers on my car and I shouldn't have that, either...]. It's like the time I moved to a bad neighborhood and Daddy (not a)Jerkface asked me if I wanted a gun. Although, I considered for a nanosecond the street value of a gun in the 'hood - hey times were tough and a girl can't live on ramen noodles alone. For long, anyway...

I'm simply too jumpy and paranoid for anything that would be injurious to others. Some poor sap would come up to me asking for directions and the next thing he'd know all he's fetal and crying for his mommy and sucking his thumb all because he startled me and I used my Jane-esque mind voodoo on the sucker. Boy, would I feel bad, I guess. I'll just stick to nursing malevolent thoughts...

Uh oh, Jane Jenny Jerkface is comin'...

Zafrina - Ability to Make People Abso-fucking-lutley Nuts
Zafrina was one of the coolest vamps, power-wise. She had the ability to project illusions on people, which would be AWESOME on a crowded subway, provided I was not actually on it. Oh yeah, this is probably another power I should never get my little chubby paws on. Everyone around me would probably end up in a perpetual state of bad acid trip.

Me - And this is the guest room where you'll be staying...
Unsuspecting Friend/Loved One - Oh this is nice... Wait, what's going on? Where are we? OH MY GAWD WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
ME - [hiding grin] What's wrong?
Me - Dude, it's just a guest room. Chill.

And right down this hall (snicker, snicker) is where you'll be staying...

It'd be a hit at parties, though. Right?

However, while I am twisted enough to covet the "HAHA I can mess with you" super-powers, there is one power I know definitively that I would NOT want: the ability to read minds. Sure, at first glance it might seem tempting, but think about it: not only is it totally schizophrenic and disconcerting to have a million peoples' thoughts roaming around in your noggin, but you would also be privy to those peoples' thoughts about you. And I gotta be honest - I'd really rather not know what people are thinking about me because chances are, it ain't all that nice.

Snarkier Than You - Oh, my wonderful bff, you're here! Come on in, let me get you drink.
Me - aww, thanks! You're so good to - whoa! What's wrong with this shirt?!
STY - Er, nothing, I didn't say anyth-
Me - It is NOT a slutty shirt!
STY - Um, I didn't say that! I just thought it was a little reveal-
Me - A two-bit whore?! You think I look like a two-bit whore?
STY - Er, no! I would never think -
Me - I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST THOUGHT THAT!!! I'm outta here! You're SO mean!

Er, yeah, I'll skip out on the mind reading, thanks. Even though in her defense - or not, depending on how you look at it - I wouldn't need mind-reading capabilities to know if Little Miss "That's A Lotta Tit For Camping" Snarky thought my shirt was a tad ta-ta-licious.

Believe it or not, STY thinks you dress like a slut...

Ignorance is bliss, after all.


  1. Does dazzling only work on humans because I would dazzle Edward right into the sack.

  2. Hell ya! Give me Jacksper's emotion control... Make Rob all horney! Evil Grin! Rub's hands together!

  3. @red_bella: I am TOTALLY down with your idea. I knew that's what I wanted before Jenny even started naming them off. And for the same reason! Except, I would go a leetle further back. "Uh, Mr. Airline Person, I have not enough money for a ticket to Forks, WA. But ::soothing, sexy thoughts radiating out::, isn't there ANYthing we can do??"

    Then, on plane: "Oh, Mr Customer in First Class, you really don't want that wonderfully wide and cushy ::pins and needles! pins and needles!!:: seat, do you?? Here, let me take that for you."

    At hotel: "Oh, but the Presidential Suite is free, isn't it?? ::ERASE Weitz's name, ERASE Weitz:: ...Why I'd be so pleased to stay there as comp for the ROACH I FOUND IN THE BATHROOM."

    At the set: "Why, hello, wonderful assistant! You know, it's probably been a long time since Rob's had a home-cooked meal..." ::reach in pocket for trailer key to give to nice Cougar who wants to make Rob dinner::

    Well, you've got the idea of my deranged thought processes, I guess. Please don't ban me. ;)

  4. I could also use the superior driving skills but I think that comes standard with every vampire conversion.

  5. I kind of like Siobhan's ability to make things turn out how she wants them to.

    That would be cool ... hmmm, I want Robward to come to my house and I want to win the lottery ... I see potential here, but, I'll have to think about this more ...

  6. Also it would depend on if we were just using them in daily life, or if it was a matter of needing them to fight.

    If it was for fighting, I think Benjamin's power would probably be best ...

  7. I would want the power of Jasper and use it on Jake , make him horny and Jane's power when Ppl piss me off , loose my anger anybody around me for no reason(NOTE: I get angry fast , so don't f---k with me , 'kay?) ,mess with me and Twilight.I would be living the life , the awsum vampire way.What a life I would have.But I can (still) dream about it =]

  8. I would you use my powers daily 'til death.

  9. From Australia with love.,22010,5038118-5010141-1,00.html
    It's linked to some BS story about RPatz being dumped by KStew. I just lalalalalala my way through the story and went straight to the photo gallery.
    I'd add something about super powers right now. But I can't. I'm admiring.

  10. I'm with Red-Bella... a horny Rob/Edward sounds fabulous...

    oh and thanks for the ebay suggestion... will let my credit card recover from the last lot and go from there :)

  11. I want a super-power that would allow me to use the excellent potty-mouth skills I already have, yet people hear it differently!
    Brain-filter 100% off, no stress in
    my life because I'd never have to worry that someday I'd be fired for my actions/words!
    Boss: "did you turn in that report, yet?"
    Me: "Yes, you fucking idiot, I'd done it before you asked me the last 3 times."
    Boss actually HEARS, "Yes sir! It's in, thank you for reminding me!"

    I'm not sure what you'd call it, "Brain Filter Projection" maybe.

  12. I think the woman in the office next to mine has Rosalie's power, so I'm going to go for Alice's. I mean Edwards would be great (know if that bf is cheating on you, one up the joke teller by telling the punchline first, etc). I am actually reading the Sookie Stackhouse books right now and thinking it'd be interesting to know what others are thinking. But then I don't like the part where you don't want to know and have to block it out - too much work!
    But with Alice's - I could be rich, bitch!
    Another great post, ladies!

  13. Since I already have Rosalie's power to be a complete and total bitch, I'd like to round off my stunning personality with Jane's power so I can inflict severe pain on all my mortal enemies (and of course the assholes I encounter on the road every day!) It would be a lot less obvious than waving a .38 at them... and they'd never be able to pin it on me!

  14. What's up with Esme's BS special power of being able to "love passionately"? Anyway, I've got that.

    I'd prefer Jasper's, I think.

  15. What a great question! Hmmm...all are very tempting. Jasper's power to influence emotions...nah, because he doesn't have the all out mind control to force Robward into my bed, just make him feel horny...wouldn't work if some other hotter chick was there, right?

    Mind reading? Could come in VERY handy for convincing people to do things.

    Future telling, but it's not set in stone.

    So I think I will go with the mind reading. Yeah, cuz then I could see what Rob is thinking at all times.....oh yeah....

  16. Whoa. I've actually thought about this, and I'd take Alice's power, I guess. I can be a bitch just fine too, and giving me pain inflicting powers would just be bad. But I'll take obscene amounts of money any day.

    In a non-twilight world I'd love to time travel. Seriously. I want to know once and for all exactly how the pyramids were built, how the dinosaurs went extinct, what Helen of Troy/Cleopatra/Jesus and other historical figures really looked like, what the alien drawings in caves are all about....I would trade half my life for the ability to explore the past.

  17. @3 said - OOOOoooooo!! That's perfect. Instead of one of the managers hear me call her a "twat clot", she'd hear "fantastic manager".

    I'd think I'd go for Jasper's personally.

  18. I don’t know if I’d really need extra powers if I had all of the “regular” vampy powers. I mean, come on, speed, strength, not wasting time sleeping and the ability to focus on several things at once?! Especially the last one…then I could focus on work, kids, the blogs, the books, the movie, and most importantly… the smutty fan fic!!

  19. Of course, since this is just wishful thinking, give them ALL to me, and Edward, too!

  20. that was just swesome, u ladies never disapoint me, always making me laugh

    ...... hrmm what would i want.... i think id want edwards power, i get the whole hearing what people say about you, but id rather know it then not. plus then id know wut i was doing wrong, if i was doing anything wrong.

    and id have a valid reason thar i was hearing voices in my head...

    id have to much fun with jane. alec or zafrinas powers...... just pure chaos

  21. oh, great! I thought I was the only one that ever even thought about what powers would be cool to have. I've considered Jasper's, Alice's or Edward's would be the coolest. See the future? Read other people's minds? Messing with other people's emotions? evil grin. I can't even decide what would be better.
    Now, completely changing the subject: do you intend to continue the fanfiction you were writing? Because I was really enjoying reading it, it was great.
    well... that's it!

  22. Late chime in here.

    @JJ-Love the potential of Zafrina's power--ha! Great party trick making everyone think they are on some really bad acid trip--ha! I have actually tried to freak out people that were really on acid trips in the past but this would be way more fun.

    In the end, given the choice, I think I would want Alice's power. It would still be really fucked up but at least it isn't constant and you truly could both help people and gain a lot from it. NO fucking way would I ever want to mind read. Denial is a beautiful place to be.

    @3--love the idea of your power. That would be heaven on earth to constantly speak your mind and have no consequences. Ha!

  23. laugh out loud hilarity!!! thank you!

  24. I would like the power of knowledge!! I know it's not exactly in the Twilight books but I think it would be the best power to have!


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