At first it was fun in a weird holy-shit-you're-way-too-old-to-be-doing-this kinda way.
But now it's just straight up getting out of hand. Twilight has officially seeped into every single aspect of my life. Like some kind of Twi Monk, I am now living The Way of Twilight. I'm all "the way to peace is to tear the vampire to shreds and burn the pieces, grasshopper." Or something like that.
It was an insidious transformation. First we talked constantly about Twilight (er, okay, we still do that). Mini-Edward and his exploits followed shortly thereafter, covertly at first but eventually we'd whip him out wherever the hell we were.
Fast forward a few months later and I'd be walking down the street and see some dude with crazy hair and think to myself, "hey, that guy has Robward hair!" or "I wish Alice was here so she could have warned me not to get shit-faced at the company party". The next thing I know I'm doing the unthinkable - I'm talking to strangers on the train. I would see someone with one of the books and the Most Important Rule** ever is completely forgotten and I would speak to them. About Twilight.
Moving right along the Twi-line to present day and I find myself sniffing perfumes at Kohl's because they have the word Twilight in their names. And I'm suddenly struck with the thought, "holy fuck, I don't know if I like this scent because it smells good or because of the name."
But it wasn't until this weekend that I knew, just knew, that Twilight had really, totally and completely taken over my brain.
SnarkierThanYou and I went to TJMaxx over the weekend. As is our nature in stores like this, I made a beeline for the shoes and she raced toward the handbags.
So there I am, perusing last year's rejects in a size 6 when I spot them. My heart picks up speed and I actually let out a little squeak. I want them. Badly.
I'm reaching toward those suckers when it hits me harder than Tyler's van would have hit Bella if Edward didn't get all 'knight in fucking shining armor' on her.
What the hell is wrong with me?
These boots are an abomination! These are the kind of shoes you only wear if you live someplace really wet all the time, are camping, or are shoveling out horse manure. Yet I was actually considering introducing them to my closet full of cute and adorable shoes. Shoes with bows and roses. Shoes with skinny heels and sharp plaids. Fuck me silly stilettos that leave me hobbling for days after I wear them [in more ways than one!]. Pink heels, for fuck sake! I mean, sure they could have hobnobbed with my 14-hole Docs but what. the. fuck. was. I... ohhhh. Fuuuuuuck me.
I only want them because they remind me of the boots Bella was wearing in the movie.
I backed away from the boots slowly, vaguely horrified as I processed the fact that I was just about to buy a pair of ugly ass boots that I will never, ever use in my lifetime just because they reminded me of Twilight.
Finally, I text STY. I wanted affirmation that I still had one shred of sanity left and that these thoughts were okay.
Is it bad that I want to get a pair of rain boots bc they look like the ones Bella was wearing in Twilight?
My phone beeps a few seconds later.
Are u really texting me from the shoe section?????
What? Did she actually think I was going to hunt her down? Hellooooo, handbags are like twenty feet from the shoes. I'm not a marathon runner. Clearly, I went to the wrong person. And anyway, I had moved on even further from her. I only know this because I could see her red noggin bobbing through the clothing racks. I'm thinking if I ever changed my handle I would change it too 'Lazy Twat-face"
I text her back.
No, I'm in Housewares.
I hit send and look up at the shelf I'm standing next to. Right there, on eye level, is a glass candle. With a picture of a cupcake on it.
For those of you that don't know cupcakes are synonymous with Tattward in Clipped Wings & Inked Armor (if you haven't yet, you must read this).
I stare at it. It winks at me and whispers seductively, "you know you want me. You want to bring me home and light me up and pretend that you're about to fuck Tattward three ways from Wednesday. Say it. Out loud. You want me because I remind you of Twilight fan fiction!!!"
GAH!!! Fine, fine YES! I WANT YOU!! Satisfied? I mean, I don't even like the smell of cupcakes but I needed that candle. So I bought it. I'd already passed up on the useless boots, after all. And anyway, I don't recall Bella getting any action in those boots but a candle always sets a nice romantic tone, right?
I get my purchases home and hide any contraband I shouldn't have bought from ML, since we're on something that's a total buzz-kill called 'a budget'. Then I light my cupcake candle, saunter over to the computer and sit down to reread CW&IA, the sweet smell of butter cream all around me. By the time ML got home I was practically licking the computer screen.
"Hi," he says, looking alarmed at the probably feral, insane look on my face.
"Hi..." I trail off because, for a split second, I came very close to doing A Very Bad Thing. And ML knows it.
ML looks at the screen and recognizes the fan fiction website. He frowns. "You were going to call me Edward, weren't you?"
"No," I blustered. "Of course not, don't be silly!!"
But I was.
Yup. Twilight owns me. Hard.
** The Most Important Rule Ever is the rule that you never, ever talk to someone you don't know because they are most likely an insane, demented person who will kidnap and do unspeakable, vile, painful things to you just because you said "hi". I think this rule may only apply to the East Coast, however, because you folks in the South are really fucking friendly.