Ya, that was me. What can I say? I'm just a big dirty whore. But you already knew that, didn't you?
No, just kidding. However, given the opportunity, you know damn well that I'd be stripped down to my birthday suit in eleven seconds. Flat. And that's saying a lot since I definitely don't look good naked. Seriously. Back in the infancy of my relationship with Mr. Latchkey, I was totally a sex-with-the-lights-off kind of gal. Now I don't give a shit. I'm almost 40 for chrissakes. Cut me some slack. But if you must know, I kind of look like I might be filled with air and someone squeezed all the air out of my top half, thereby making my bottom half look awkwardly large in comparison.
Ya, kinda like this but with blond hair.
Hearing him talk about it makes me wonder... what would us *ahem* Twitards of a certain age do to get RPattz's attention? Would you even have the balls to approach him if you happened to see him out in public? Would you get all Bella-stuttery and end up making yourself look like a complete asshole? Do you think that you could hold it together long enough to appear like you're a calm, cool and collected chick who he just might want to do the horizontal tango with?
Or would you go all Jenny Jerkface on his ass and want to launch a steamer in his personal shitter? Now that takes balls. The thought of dropping a deuce in front of my own husband makes my butt clench, so I'm definitely not in any hurry to cop a squat in RPattz's trailer. Let's face it - the toilet is really JJ's doman and I really don't want to take that away from her. She can be his one-and-only girl-with-the-stinky-ass.
JJ, I hope you follow these instructions! [JJ's note: Oh man! I've been doing it wrong!!]
Or would you be more like Snarkier Than You and ramble on all Misery-style about how you want to keep him chained up in your basement? Now I may have to fight her for that title. I've often fantasized about how I could get away with slipping RPattz a roofie and hauling his pretty ass away in a windowless van. No one would ever look for him here... I don't know about STY, but I definitely think I could keep him around without taking drastic measures like hobbling him. I'm more of a carrot than a stick gal and I think regular hummers would keep him satisfied enough to stay on his own.
I would never... hurt... the Precious!
I'd like to think I'd be able to have an intelligent conversation with the man, but who am I kidding? Stalkery, slutty Latchkey Wife would rear her ugly head faster than you can say "Run Forest Ruuuuun". I'm also positive I'd turn all Bella-stuttery too so I'm not quite sure how sexy that combination will be... Stuttery, stalkery, slutty Latchkey Wife... that sounds fucking awesome. I'm turning myself on. Who knows? Maybe it will turn him on too. We already know he's got a thing for stuttery awkward chicks; maybe the rest of my charms will grow on him...
Oh Latchkey, I'll take you stuttery, stalkery, or slutty. Just let me take you!
So fellow Twitards, what would you do to get RPattz's attention???
*I know, you've already seen it a million times but just how fucking adorkable is he when the cheering continues for so long, he has to use the Oprah mask to hide behind?! So here, watch it again. I heart him.