Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Goin' Where the Cullens Can't. Oh, and an Unrelated New Moon Spoof.

And I don't mean La Push (that's later this year) but sunny Austin, Texas!

Okay, so I'm packing my bags, getting a pedi (hopefully), an eyebrow thread, shaving my legs and lady bits (fancy shmancy!) in preparation for my trip to Austin, Texas for the fuckawesome South by Southwest Festival, better known as SXSW, where I will enjoy four days of back-to-back music, loads of [free?] beer and possibly a pick-pocketing or two.

Mini-E loved waiting on lines with me last year... What is time to a vampire action figure, really?

I love doing stuff like this because it's only during times like this its completely socially acceptable to begin drinking beer before noon - oh, who am I kidding? Socially acceptable, shmoshially acceptable. Fuck it and pass me a Red Stripe beer, please. And it's always noon somewhere, right?

See? Even RPattz does it! And hot damn, I wish I was that bottle...

Of course, the only downside is that Snarkier Than You will most likely remind me in that subtle way she does best what a total douchebag I am for ditching her in dirty Jersey while I jet-set off to Texas. Even under normal circumstances I would probably agree with her, but since I'm bailing at the critical moment of the New Moon DVD release (kinda like I did for Twilight last year), I'll even beat her to the tit-punch and say I'm extra douchey.

Not like that's going to stop me. I like to do things 100% - especially when it comes to assholery. It's my specialty. Pssst, STY - don't forget to rub Gizmo's ears before you put him in his cage. He likes that.

(Opens salt and prepares to rub in STY's wound) There is another really fucking amazing... shitshow I'm looking forward to this week as well. A bunch of Texan Twitards and I are going to get together, get drunk and possibly even get arrested. It'll be SO much fun.

This could be us but we'll better dressed...

Okay, okay, that won't happen. Well, the arrested part, anyway. I hope. Instead, we'll toss back a few rounds, mush over RPattz hotness, and maybe catch a Bobby Long or 100 Monkeys show. Regardless, keep an eye on Twitter because I'm sure we're going to be trying to spread the love that way by leaving philosophical gems such as "gjlre;andi" and "uh oh, Texas Katherine just ate a Tootsie Roll. It wasn't a Tootsie Roll."

If you are interested in meeting up with us, email me or Texas Katherine (texaskatherine@gmail.com), who is the instigator of what is sure to be a really diabolical time. We'll even take pictures so we can remember it to share with the rest of you who weren't able to make it.

While I do plan on blogging from the road, it might be difficult if I'm passed out in a gutter or something so I wanted to leave y'all (that's how they say it in Texas! I'm assimilatin'!) with a little chuckle. One of our lovely readers sent this via Facebook a little while ago and I nearly peed myself.

Be nice to Snarkier Than You while I'm gone and be sure to regale her with poop jokes in my absence. She loves those. Promise.


  1. Oh JJ... Your assaholic style is one for the ages. Poor STY abandoned for the New Moon release. I almost want to drive to Joisey to fill in for you. Almost. Be safe in the Texas. Don't take any candy from strangers (or TK for that matter. You never know what that bitch laces her skittles with.) Be sure to give her a smack for me. And by smack I don't mean kiss, I mean a smack...upside her head...just for being a whore. Bring me back a present, mkay?

  2. @LKW--You are an asshole. JJ would never hit me. Plus, she'll be too drunk to aim with any accuracy.

    @JJ--Never say y'all again. I'm not kidding. Never. I don't say that word. I don't think I know anyone who says that word. Just stop.

    This week is gonna be awesome! Squee!

    @STY--Sorry. Really.

    v/w--panti-- I can't make this shit up.

  3. @TK - Yes but I'm an asshole that you love!

  4. I just hope you come back to us and hopefully in one piece JJ. Have a great time!

  5. The New Moon spoof was hilarious! My favorite line was:
    Bella: Why are you shirtless?
    Jake: Why do you have a shirt on?

  6. Poor, poor STY. Always on the receiving end of your douchey-ness. Meh - she'll get over it.

    Have fun meeting the Texas Twitards!

  7. Have fun JJ!!! SXSW sounds insane!

    Oh, and that spoof was freaking HILARIOUS!

  8. STY-

    Sorry to hear about you watching semi-stag without your PIC (partner-in-crime). However, I thought I might suggest that you watch it with Peter Facinelli! I'm sure you're aware of him attending a NM DVD release party somewhere in NYC. Once I figure the whereabouts, that is my plan. nom nom.

  9. Perhaps another Twitarded get together- SXSW 2011?

    Awesome video. Jacob was hilarious with all the posing! You're short and brown! At least I have chest hair!


  10. @laurasaurus - he'll be at barnes & noble, i hear... email me if you need details!

  11. i want to be at sxsw! i am completely jealous.
    check out ha ha tonka while you're there if you get a chance. they're great guys and VERY talented. just a thought. since i can't go. damnit.
    i'll go see remember me instead. neverthink will be proud that i'm taking initiative and not procrastinating, right?

  12. JJ 'Be Safe' and don't forget to pack Mini E. Just remember Crazy Core Skittles do not count as real food (despite what TK says)--be sure to fill up on some good BBQ before you hit the booze hard. I am expecting epic greatness in your tandem tweets my friends.

    @STY--I am here for you dahling. I promise I will not tweet nor e-mail you anymore well endowed Edward Barbie photos. Oh if I only I had photos from that dream I had that involved you, JJ, and LKW and RPattz...... obviously I can't stear clear of the peen.

  13. Such preparation for debauchery just sounds pathological, but that's probably about right, I suppose.

    I'm all for pre-noon drinking, it's my favorite part of working from home.

    Keep your money and skittles in little amounts all over your boday so no single pick-pocket gets the big score and have enough fun that those of us who love SXSW in theory but who hate crowds can vicariously live through you.

  14. I'm alerting my Austin spy to keep an eye out for you! So be sure to flash Edward a lot. Have fun!

  15. That sounds actually like an awesome trip, one I could totally use right now. I miss the good ol' days.

    Brings us back lots of photos JJ.

  16. I just watched the spoof... holy fuck that was funny. I love when Jacob is in the bedroom doing all the fancy push ups. LOL!!

  17. Have fun, be safe, and drinks tons for me. Can't wait to read/hear the recap of all the debauchery that was had at SXSW.

  18. That spoof was HILARIOUS! And don't be sad STY, I live about a horseshoe's throw away from Austin and not even I'M going. It's not our faults that we're too awesome to be slummin' in that dirty college town. Or yeah, whatever...

  19. Baaaah! HAHAHAHA! That spoof was hilarious!! The instagasm scene was exactly what I was thinking in the theater..."Get your period for 2 seconds" kill me! FROLIC FROM HELL!! Anyone else see the CNN interview today with Chris Weitz? Even he said his corny-meter was off.

    JJ, have a kickass fuckawesome time at SXSW. I'm totally jealous. I'm sure one of the TX Twitards will bring a copy of NM in their bag and you can take advantage of some underling musician's trailer. It might take a blowjob or two, but hey, you'll all be together, right? TEAMWORK!

  20. Sweetness! I'm an Austinite and I'd love to hang out with you guys! I'm gonna email Katherine rightnow.

  21. @jj: i totally just emailed you.

    p.s. i want more "15 step"!

    w.v. fedifing...sounds like some kind of sex involving food...

  22. JJ I certainly expect you will move heaven and earth to see Jackson and 100 Monkeys, and get a pic with him!!! Maybe he'll go along with Kellan and profess his love for you! ;)

  23. spoof was funny but I like "How Twilight Should Have Ended" on youtube better!

  24. the new moon spoof was hilarious!!! sooo funny xD.
    J:at least i'm buff!
    E:at least i have chest hair


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