Monday, March 22, 2010

Jenny Jerkface Does SXSW - We Came. We Listened. We Drank...

Me and the mini waiting for a band to play...

I'm baaaack and boy did I miss Twiland!

Yesterday around 4:45 in the morning, I found myself standing blearily in line at the Austin Airport, questionably sober, my hands and arms spotted with stamps in various stages of fading as I clutched a bloodied boarding pass and wondered vaguely if my reeking perfume of Whiskey eau de Tobacco y Haven't-Showered-in-Days would raise any alarms with the nice security folks. There is something about being in an airport that early in the morning, running on the fumes of cheap beer, whiskey and absolutely no sleep, that reminds me of going to prison (not that I have gone, thank you very much). Or maybe I was more than a little concerned that might be my next stop.

Somehow, I managed to pass through security without a hiccup and, as I bent down to put my shoes back on, something fell out of my bra. It was the plastic tip to the hookah I had been smoking hours before while I was still partying downtown in Austin. I felt a brief moment of chagrined horror before it was whisked away by a stronger feeling of immense, debauchery-fueled, smug pride.

Edward, the hookah and my whiskey. See those little yellow things? Yeah, that was what fell out of my bra at the airport. I'm one classy bitch.

I was "trainwreck" personified, which meant that my excursion to SXSW was, in my whiskey-hazed opinion, a downright mother fucking success.


Unlike last year, I was a little more prepared this year and spent hours working on a detailed spreadsheet of all the bands I wanted to see [note from STY: you are really fucking up your train-wreck cred here, spreadsheet girl], which I promptly left in the hotel room, alongside Mini-Edward, the first day. I'm such a good girl scout. Let's put it this way - SXSW is insane. There were twelve hundred acts playing over 4 days and something like 100,000 people descend into the madness over the course of the 10-day festival. It makes Woodstock look like a fucking tea party (and not THAT tea party).

A street band and yes, you can see plaid guy's pubes. The back view was even more... interesting...

Not only is there literally live music on every street corner, roof top, bar, auditorium, field and parking lot, the beer is often free and the whiskey extremely cheap. This is both a good and bad thing. It's good because I still have a few bucks left in my bank account but it's bad because I don't tend to make stellar, responsible decisions when I've been drinking for 16 hours straight. And I'm pretty sure my liver punched me in the kidney Friday morning when I cracked open a Lone Star around 10: 30 am (SXSW is essentially the rock-n-roll equivalent of an early morning fishing trip; normal rules of socially acceptable drinking are temporarily suspended).

To make the long and short of it (whatever that means) I definitely pulled a few... bold moves, courtesy of Whiskey and Beer.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner of SXSW champions... and the lead cause of my bad decision making.

Before I launch into my Tale of Music and Twitards, let me give those of you who are thinking of venturing to Austin next year a few pieces of advice:

1) Book your hotel. Now. The hotel we were staying at was apparently located in an alternate universe of Austin and the only people who knew how to get there were Santa Claus and Scotty from Star Trek -- but he required that beam-me-up-Scotty-thingie, which is probably more expensive and harder to find then a cab in Austin, which is saying a lot because there are only 5 cabs in Austin. Be prepared to wait a looooooong time or find a hotel and ask the door guy. Or you could do what I did the last night, which was jumping out in front of a moving cab and demanding he take me back to the hotel because "I'm from New York" and then telling him repeatedly that I would know if he tried to rip us off (see: alternate universe hotel. Also, I'm an asshole).

In all honesty, this little stunt is actually Shoewhoreninja's fault. She had been telling me a story earlier about how she hailed a cab in a similar manner (or we were talking about hailing a cab in New York) and was successful so I figured I'd try it too. I almost killed myself but the bitch was right - that shizz works. Totally doing it again next year.

2) Pack layers. Weatherman says it's gonna be 80 degrees? Chances are he's a lying piece of shit. Seriously. When we were out and about on Friday, Austin was located about 30 miles from the sun, resulting in one of the most ridiculously shaped sunburns I've ever had - one breast and my armpits. Don't ask. Anyhoo, when we woke up Saturday, apparently Austin had relocated to the Arctic tundra because it was fucking f-r-e-e-z-i-n-g. Like, there was a blizzard in Dallas kind of cold.

3) Don't expect to see a lot of bands the first few times you go to SXSW. I know this sounds bizarre, since it is a music festival, but it's really very true. Ask Texas Katherine. She was awesome enough to meet up with me and my non-Twi friend, Rock Star (because let's face it - we were both partying like one) and let me drag her from place to place. More often than not we just kind of wandered around but I did break her cherry by getting her to see The Bronx with me.

The Bronx. I also had a Man Man sighting at this show and almost lost my shit. And my panties.

And speaking of the lovely, albeit potentially crazy, Texas Katherine... there was more than just a bunch of bands I was looking forward to seeing this year at SXSW.

I met some Twitards.

Edward, TK's hand and GarnetGirl waiting for Frightened Rabbit to play. Not shown - Rock Star, me and a shit ton of empty beer cups.

It was a lot of fun to meet so many awesome (and possibly insane) ladies these past few days. It's great to be able to put a face and name to the peeps I converse with on an almost daily basis.

The first few folks I met were Team 6 Pack and Shoewhoreninja. I didn't really get too much of a chance to hang with Team 6 Pack, mainly because I had to help the band get to their next set that was oh-mah-god-right-fucking-now and those lucky bitches were taking off to Dallas to see Band of Skulls and Black Rebel Motorcycle Club but I was really excited to meet up.

Me, Team 6 Pack and Shoewhoreninja...

Next on the list was the perpetual trouble maker/skittles enabler/possible serial killer with a sharp wit - Texas fucking Katherine. Those of you who follow us on Twitter have seen the epic insults she can sling at... well, pretty much anyone but definitely likes to get her digs at Latchkey Wife (not that I can blame her).

Texas Katherine and Shoewhoreninja gettin' their drink on...

I love meeting people that I correspond with online because it's always really interesting. TK is this sweet looking adorable slip of a thing -- you would never expect to hear the shit she says come out of her mouth. Likewise, Shoewhore always had an easy grin, an adorable accent, was really nice... and dropped the F-Bomb constantly. It was hysterical. I spent the most time with these two ladies (and we all know I'm using that term loosely) and really had a great time.

As much as I make fun of TK I have to give her a lot of credit. She was a super good sport about, ahem, my basic bossiness of what bands I wanted to see and is definitely a laid back individual and not the potential serial killer I thought she might turn out to be. Either that or I just didn't give her an opportunity to cut off my feet and send them home to Snarkier Than You.

I also got to spend some time with Jennamaemiller, who is a good friend of Lorabell from TwiCrackAddict. She came to not one, but three Roadside Graves show... including this one.

Lucky for her (okay, not really, poor thing) she joined us for what was probably the only real meal I ate the entire time I was in Austin. I had pictures of this but unfortunately the memory card on my camera must have gotten into my stash of whiskey and blacked out because I lost about half of my pictures from the trip. We exchanged numbers so we could meet up later but I bailed on the Bobby Long show in order to watch my favorite group ever, Man Man, only to get a text later that jennamaemiller was indeed apparently sitting near... KStew.

I didn't get to see Man Man because the crowd was fucking insane. I chose poorly. Rule #4 of SXSW - no regrets.

Me, Rock Star and her BF - showing no regrets.

The next day, aka "WTFWIISMFCIA?!" [what the fuck why is is so mother fucking cold in Austin?!") we actually had the rare opportunity to sleep for more than four hours before heading back into the city to inflict some more abuse our senses and internal organs.

I wanted to sleep in a little because this was my big meet-the-Twitards-day and I wanted to look all purty and shit but, thanks to the freakish weather, that didn't happen. What did happen, however, was that I mooned a whole lotta people in Austin because not only was it cold as a witch's tit (what does that mean, exactly?) but it was fucking insanely windy. I even sent ML a text lamenting my clothing choice and the fact that I repeatedly pulling a Marlyn Monroe but much less sexily. His response? "Hope you're wearing nice underwear."

It was like this but not remotely sexy. Or done on purpose.

I love that man sometimes.

Anyhoo, because of the shitty weather, instead of making a dazzling first impression on my first meet-up with a bunch of wonderful Twitards, I arrived Saturday night dressed in my nightie, a few sweaters and a pair of jeans because everything else I packed was a fucking sundress. Awesome.

But it didn't really matter because we still had a lot of fun. We all went to a place called Red Fez, which was fucking loud and someone tried to bump n' grind me, which was really confusing but we had our own little raised dais like the goddesses we were, so it was all good.

Shoewhoreninja, me, DancinBaroness and ShanaBanana1
[note from STY: do I get to make fun of you because you put on everything you packed and THIS was still the best boob-coverage you could muster??]

Kimberlytm chilling with sparkly Mini-Edward... kinda jealous, I have to admit.

The first folks I met there were Shanabanana1, kimberlytm and DancinBaroness who were busy doing shots of Tequila while we were waiting for our table, which made me feel a little better because, honestly, I was kinda nervous about meeting peeps and was afraid my social-tardedness was going to rear its ugly head (I'm thinking it did but that's another story). Once we settled in, our various Minis were summarily introduced while we chatted happily away.

Eventually, a few more ladies showed up, apparently having bribed a waitress with gahd-knows-what to get a ride into Austin. This may or may not be true but that's the recollection I have so I'm sticking with it. Even though it was getting kinda late, I am so glad I stuck around because I got to meet two of the funniest ladies I have ever had the pleasure of calling bitches. In a good way, natch. Those two ladies who hitched are Laxplays (aka a million other names) and agirlinthesouth.

The bitch giving me the devil horns is agirlinthesouth, Laxplays and TexasKatherine. Everyone is a damn comedian.

Not only is Laxplays a piece of work (I love a woman who says something offensive in like the first five seconds of meeting) she also got me a present. I have no other words but fuuuuuuuck yeah.

She got me a signed Bobby Long photograph. It is my first personalized signed autograph EVER.

That says "JJ you're so sexy and I want to lick your ears and toes, even if you haven't showered and smell like whiskey and dirty underwear. Love, Bobby Long".

Unfortunately, we had literally only hung out for about a half hour before RockStar and I had to jet back to the hotel and pack - our flight was leaving in a few short hours. I was really disappointed that I didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted to with all the crazy ladies but I'm thinking Fooooorks will make up for that. I'm also 99.999% positive that I have neglected to include someone into this post and for that I'm truly sorry. I'd like to blame the 300 beers, countless shots of whiskey, 3 meals that consisted of actual food (and not alcohol) and about 13 hours of sleep I got over the course of 4 days. Regardless, I do apologize.

Speaking of the hotel,when we arrived back there late Saturday night there was a bachelor party across the hall and we decided to give them the remaining box o' wine we had, since we had a flight to catch in a few hours and still had the whiskey coursing through our veins. The room was full of these hulking, gigantic buffoon-ish-but-dangerous looking drunk dudes so I kind of held the box out across the threshold of their hotel room, because getting raped wasn't on my to-do list that night. One of these terminators (who, incidentally, had a very alarming scar across his nose) started heckling me and called me Velma and tried to pet my hair. At first I laughed but then my stupid cohort, Whiskey, whispered that I was being a pussy so I told scary guy I was going to kick his ass and I meant it. Then I fled before he could try to reenact the "squeal-like-a-pig-boy" scene from Deliverance. Thank you, whiskey, for that sage advice. You dumb cock.

All in all, it was an excellent adventure. I drank, I laughed (a lot), I saw amazing bands and met even more amazing people. Thank you to everyone who came out together - I was so fucking stoked to meet you all.

Oh, and for all you locals - if you see my liver can you tell it I want it to come home? I think it's still pub-crawling down 6th Street. I'll even pay for express delivery because I kind of want it back... it is very important to me, after all...


  1. Fuck, all I can say right now is you had a fucking box of fucking wine??? Are you sure @17foreverlisa wasn't there???
    I crack myself up.
    Glad you're back home safe and not dying of liver failure...yet.


  2. Holy shit, y'all did a lot, drunk a bit, and rock out a bunch. Glad you made it home in one piece, but happier you had a grand time.

  3. Um was TK wearing a fucking pink prom dress in that last photo? Whore. Bet she was flashing some tit too. I can't fucking wait to meet up in Forks. That shit is going to be messed up!! Looks like you guys had one helluva time!

  4. JJ- Good times indeed! Sorry about your liver...if it turns up we'll see what we can do! BTW...those are Laxplays damn devil horns....she's the evil one! I'm the sweet, innocent, nice, virginal one. =)

  5. JJ- Good times indeed! Sorry about your liver...if it turns up we'll see what we can do! BTW...those are Laxplays damn devil horns....she's the evil one! I'm the sweet, innocent, nice, virginal one. =)

  6. @Agirlinthesouth - damn that bitch is good. I totally thought that was you!!

    And if you're innocent then I'm a total fucking angel too... just saying.

  7. Are you going to write a novel about your time at SXSW? Damn. It looks like you had a lot of fun with some cool Twitards. I'm jealous. Love the pics and the Roadside Graves video! I think my fave pics are of the mini E meeting, but that shouldn't be too surprising.

    @smartEpantz: Your comment about the boxed wine and 17foreverlisa...LMAO!!

  8. I'm exhausted just reading this!! Glad you made it back in one piece (well minus the liver). It sounds like you had a kick-ass time.

    And this makes me SO excited for FOOORRKKKSS!!!

  9. JJ, holy shit fuck damn. I had so much fun. I swear next time, I'm going with a purpose. Spreadsheet with mapped out streets/bars is the only way to go. I may even color code that bitch. Of course, I'm sure a few drinks and I'll say fuck it.

    Do I really say fuck a lot? Fuck, I really had no clue. *shrugs*

    @LatchkeyWife TK told me she was wearing a pink bustier with tassles on the back.. Wait?! What? I thought those went on the front? Then she actually showed up wearing it! I fucking lost my shit! I teasingly told her I was going to wear a catsuit..she looked disappointed when I wasn't wearing it.

  10. First, after reading this post, I am soooo glad you made it home safely and in one piece... or at least just missing one piece - your liver - can a person live without a liver??? I hope so, because I would totally miss you JJ and your awesome writing skills. LOL

    Second, I turned to my hubby and said "Ok now I am a little scared. This is who is leading me to FFOORRKKSS" and I read him the paragraph about the Lone Star at 10:30am. Oh my!

    Thanks for sharing your story and for all the laughs. I love seeing all the Twitards you met and can't wait to do the same in FFOORRKKSS, although hopefully some of us can meet before that for Eclipse or something :)

  11. Welcome back JJ! You've once again proven my belief that Twitards are awesome and truly understand each other, even when nobody else does.

    BTW, that's funny you guys had 3 different versions of mini Edward. Can't wait to see all the Edwards congregated in FOOORRRRRKKKSSS!

  12. 1. JJ, you came to Texas? When did that happen?

    2. JJ is a fucking lightweight drinking beer all day. I was drinking vodka & tequila like I was on the Slim Fast plan, minus the sensible dinner. (Wait, are generic Wheat Thins a sensible dinner?)

    3. I love how I have a glassy-eyed oh-my-fuck-where-am-I-and-who-are-these-crazy-people look in every photo. Side note--where was I & who were those people?

    4. @shoewhoreninja--I don't joke about fashion, bitch. I could have cunt punched you for not wearing the catsuit. My top was classy. Like me.

    5. Looks like I had fun meeting all of you. Must do it again! After my liver transplant. @JJ--luvs you, whore!

  13. JJ I swear I can see a booger up your nose in our group photo and I look like I'm high on "I can't believe we paid a waitress to take us downtown to meet Jenny Jerkface but we did due to the lack of shitty cabs in Austin".

    However, it was totally worth it for our first glimpse of one of the esteemed leaders - Snarkier Than You, we will await your arrival in Forks. I'll warn you now, be afraid, very afraid and we promise to up our meds by then.

    To those other lovely ladies, @texaskatherine @shoewhoreninja @garnettgirl & @team6pack we heart you too.....

    etc etc etc

  14. This post ROCKS JJ. I felt as if I went to SXSW with ya...Luckily my liver is still in least till FORRRRKSSSS!
    xo Thanks for the re-cap!

  15. You are one sneaky little self jerkface! :P
    It was awesome meeting you ladies! I wish I could have hung a bit longer...and I really wish would have effing known that's who we were waiting for to go on...might have skipped in a bit late for check in. Boooo!!!
    Next time, more face time, more drink time. ;)

  16. dammit. the twitarded roadshow has to drag its arse down to australia one of these days :)
    i have been listening to roadside graves and im liking their sound, you rekon they might visit us down under haha?

  17. lol, the pic of all the mini edwards hanging out makes me laugh :D

  18. shiner bock!!!!! That's my new favorite beer :) along with several other beers... um yeah I think I'm still detoxing from tejas, seriously haven't had that much fun in YEARS.

    I really really wish we could have stayed longer but the rock show must go on and I headbanged to brmc and band of skulls. Both bring out the rock fist side of me...shoewhore says I dance with my bangs.

    Next year though I will plan better stay longer, possibly drink more and hopefully we all have time to hang out a bit longer! But I still had a blast the little bit of time we had and roadside graves are awesomesauce.

    p.s. I love shoewhores fuckin' arkansassy accent.

    p.s.s. I heart all you bitches :)

  19. So glad you had a blast! I looked up that shit this weekend and it looks AWESOME! A friend and I may make a trip to Austin next year. I love you cab story JJ sounds just like me in Amsterdam drunk as shit telling my cabbie I can say Don't rip me off in 3 languages. Total bullshit... yeah I was that ass! Gotta love a spunky little white girl who has had too many drinks!

  20. Holy fuck! You do know how to fit some serious partying into a few day! You are the goddess, JJ! (bows ala Wayne's World) "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!"

    As for seeing KStew at Bobby Long, this just reinforces my Egyptian Theory (you know, Deep in Denial....) that KStew isn't doing Rob but one of his friends. Thank you for feeding my delusion!

    Now. I have to go to bed. I'm exhaused just reading of your Lost Weekend!

  21. Awww, seeing all the pictures makes me want to got to FOOORRRKSSS...

  22. Hahahahaha, LMAO!

    What can I say, except that this was a very funny read. Oh, and that Shoewhoreninja has an awesome hat. And, way to go whiskey for stimulating JJ to give that asstart a piece of her fucktabulous mind.


  23. Oh believe me - after all this, I AM afraid - very afraid - in fact I think i heard my liver whimper after i read this, thinking of the whupping it's got coming its way this fall.

    and i cannot WAIT to assemble our army of minis - it's gonna be hysterical! we can probably muster up a hundred between all of us - i see epic picture-taking opportunities - lol!

    i am exhausted just reading this...

    ok i had better go and see how JJ's detox is coming...

    : )

  24. i bet you get that velma comment a lot (and i mean that as a compliment:) way to threaten to kick a little ass, wish we had the clip!

    thanks for bringing some culture to twitardia. i would love a list of music suggestions as a future post. you're down with the kids.

  25. I love that Mini E got his photo ops in I need to find some Twitards to hang with in St. Louis.

  26. #1: Thanks for the fuckawesome report. I hope I'll get to SXSW one day, but this year my heart (and wallet) belongs to Airwaves. Spreadsheet is a good idea...

    #2: My liver is in serious trouble in FOOOOOOOORRRKSSS.

  27. You all better label or mark your mini-Edwards so they don't get mixed up in the debauchery-ness of FOOOOOOOORRRRRKKKSS!

    (Ok, seems like debauchery and Forks don't go together in the same sentence, but it will after you ladies show up!)

    Sorry I missed all the fun but glad you bitches came out of it alive! Catch you next time you're in the south.


  28. fuck. dude. i am SO BUMMED that i didn't get to meet up with you at the red fez. but, as you said, it's insanity at sxsw! i was with friends (who are NOT twitards. they make fun of me. not cool.) and i had no way to get there. i might have walked if it hadn't been FUCKING FREEEEZING. i actually went and bought a sweater on saturday. not that it helped much.

    glad you had a kick arse time. and there's always next year!

  29. I was reading an article about sxsw...and I came across one about what kstew saw when it came to sxsw and she said :

    "It's really crazy driving around here. The streets are loaded with really cool-looking people — and really loaded people, too!"

    I naturally thought of your experience and laughed and pondered if kstew happened to see you..

  30. Fun Weekend! Can't wait for FFFFOOORRRKKKKSSSS!!! I smell trouble brewing for us...

    Oh FYI I've been banned from drinking whiskey.. Cause I kinda tend to pick fights with bikers when I do... So yah I know all about whiskey fuelled inappropriateness.

    Oh and JJ I'm makin a extra special pair of FFFFOOORRRKKKSSS!!!TRACK PANTS for you!

  31. Looks like so much fun. I can't fucking wait for FFOOOOOOOOORRRKKKSSS!

  32. WOW, I am jealous. Your weekend was way more fun than mine... But now I am thinking I may just have to crash your Forks, WA trip you have planned..... you will be in my "neck of the woods". Haha. Can't wait to read more from you ladies!

  33. Holy motherfucking milk pillows JJ, I'm sorry, but every time I see a photo of you, my eyes fly automatically to your rack.

    You do realize that you have awesome tits right? SO much better than Velma.

    I have no idea why I am so preoccupied with JJ's bewbs, other than they are nearly fucking perfect. Just sayin'.

    Looks like you had an awesome time, but beware. If you pull this shit during the Eclipse DvD release, @17ForeverLisa and I are going to kindap @SnarkierThanYou to Illinois and you may never see her again.


  34. My first post - second ty- WTF - why do I even try to learn how to do soemthing new?

    Great post- I havn't trashed my liver in waaay too long.

    While you are in rehab, JJ, consider working on your FF? An update in 2010 would make us happy!

  35. I'm trying with all my might to imagine the debauchery of this odyssey with a double stroller in tow. It just doesn't work. Thank God I have you, JJ, to live vicariously through.

  36. love you two! Have2 questions -
    1. What happened to Mini Edward's arm, looks like it was cut off at the elbow.
    2. Any chance we will get another chapter to 15 steps?

  37. JJ, I just about died when you mentioned the hookah thingy falling out of your bra - AWESOME! Rock that shit. :-D

  38. Late to the party, as ever - and you don't know me from Adam. But, I do live in Austin, lost my liver long ago, and if you send a description of it, I will scour 6th street near Red Fez for yours, and send it back via express with some LoneStar beer.


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