Monday, March 8, 2010

Twitarded Challenge: Show Us The Goods.

read first. click to enlarge later...

OK people I have to make this short and [bitter] sweet because holy fuck is it only Monday?! And I was just DENIED when I asked to take Friday off?! Yes, and yes. FML. This day may be early in the week but I declare the whole think sucky in advance and since I'm in the mood to stir shit up, I might as well address a... little something that has been on my mind for a while now but I haven't brought up because frankly I usually let Jenny Jerkface do all the dirty work around here while I sit back and polish my halo [admit it, those of you who pay attention to such things: you thought this was a JJ post, didn't you?].

I'm going to preface this by saying RPatts, I [heart] you long time. No matter what. The fact that I remain so smitten at this point is fodder for another day, because today, I have serious business to address [special aside to anyone who thinks this blog is "serious business": um, it isn't]. But there is a certain issue that has been on my mind for a while and since I am in no mood to mince words I'm just going to come right out with it: Robert Pattinson, where are you hiding your penis? I am not a size queen but I am concerned...

Like most of you twi-sluts, I love me some hawt photos of RPatts... Give me a nice, sexy, full-body shot of The Precious and I am in heaven. Diiiiirty heaven... Aaaaand like many of you, I marvel at that perfect face for a few secs, wipe the drool from my chin and curse the fact that I am not twenty years younger and ridiculously hot and/or KStew, and then my gaze turns...downward. You know what I'm sayin' - I go to check out the goods. Don't act all aghast - I know my audience and I am 99.9% sure that 99.9% of you do the exact. same. thing.

[please click to enlarge - really. stare. hard. you know you want to... that's some thin material, right? so... ok... ummmm...]

Which leads to my point: where the fuck is he hiding his dick, people? Because as much as I want it to be so and to see what we all want to see, frankly, I am getting worried by the lack of...physical evidence. I don't need a sex tape, for fucks sake--I don't WANT a sex tape!--I just want to find a pic that doesn't look like he's been practicing "the tuck" - you know???

So here's my challenge to you: send us the packin' pics!! We know that you have secret folders on your computer where you keep your Rob porn... Open the floodgates and hook us up! Please. Because I actually did a google-image search for "Robert Pattinson crotch" for this post and I had to turn away -

wtf IS that in the top left?! RPatts camel toe?! Noooo!!!
pic from here

P.S. I am not sure if I should feel proud or ashamed that "THE underwear" came up on the first page of this search. Fucking serves me right, I guess...

P.P.S. You all have NO idea the awful non-RPatts-y stuff I had to look at while doing the google image search for this post. I am scarred, Seriously.

P.P.P.S. This is satire, people. Don't go getting your panties in a bunch. Unless you are RPatts... In which case, you should take a pic and sent it to us.

108 comments:

  1. Dude, I am fucking rolling on the floor right now! I love your P.P.P.S. - if you get a picture, you better share it with us or Imma gonna fucking smack you.

    And I may have snorted loudly at "Robert Pattinson, where are you hiding your penis?" I'm keeping it safe for him... jftr!

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  2. Oh and I just enlarged those photos and I can't seem to find it anywhere. I'm scared.

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  3. I think Mrs. P posted a pic a while back with what seemed like a "small" outline of evidence that he is indeed a man.

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  4. Speak for yourself, I would not mind a sex tape of RPattz. If one ever comes up, I'll make sure to let you know where the crown jewels were and what they looked like. ;)

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  5. So, you guys have NOT seen the "I'm so happy to be in Japan" pictures, I take it??

    Let's just say, the boy dresses to the right!

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  6. @to twicat - how about a link?!

    @mmMoxie - ok you're right that post was EPIC and i should go refresh my memory... for research purposed only, natch!

    and people - send links!! or email me pics! snarkierthanyou@gmail.com

    : )

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  8. I too had a shitty Monday and this really made me laugh. Then I got thinking about something I read that his package (junk didn't seem like the right word) may be..um..uncut.*

    *does a quick Jerry/George moment and says "not that there's anything wrong with that"*

    Is this too much penis talk?

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  9. Damn STY. I so thought you were JJ at first...and then you just fucked my shit up.

    The best peen pic I've seen as of yet was on @Mrs. P's TwiBite a few days ago. She gets full cred for this linky! ;)

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_q5YJq-A9L68/S45temhoKeI/AAAAAAAADH8/YgctQWtz04U/s1600-h/cropped.jpg

    I'll keep looking....hard.
    xoxo
    E

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  10. Working on it...I'll send it to the site email address.

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  11. Maybe he just wears really tight underwear and it um..tucks things. Not sure that I really care - I'd still fuck 'em.

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  12. Most Brits are...er...uncut. I dated one for a couple months. Just fyi, it still functions the same. *wink wink*
    @sharon - Too much penis talk? On Twitarded? Heck no!

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  13. a lot of britts wear "manties", which do a pretty good job of hiding the goods, but I'm pretty sure I've seen boxers peeking out of the top of his jeans which, disappointingly, leaves him no excuse.

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  14. Smokers have bad circulation which makes our extremities cold. Maybe shrinkage is the answer?

    Oh...and if we're going to get into the cut/uncut debate again (like @ TwiBite) I've had um both and I have no preference.

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  15. @STY Look at my link:

    http://www.twitpic.com/16a7zb

    Doesn’t it look a little crowded in there?

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  16. Please, please, please post the resulting pics from this post.

    Just the other day on Twitter someone and I were addressing a pic that showed his manhood (from his RM press I believe) that had us both in awe.

    I'll try and dig that shit up - I must have bookmarked it somewhere?? Maybe I was at work, but you know me - I send tweets of sparkly peens from work, I have no shame.

    I'm on him, I mean it...whichever comes first. Oh hell, I'll see what I comes up...

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  17. *sigh* here we go again...STY - i get in truble for this kindahting, remember? you 'member.

    aw fuckit...

    "double dutch bus"
    http://robertpattinsonwho.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/robteenvogue1.jpg

    "odeley"
    http://www.sugarscape.com/userfiles/robert(2).jpg

    "gotcha"
    http://cm1.theinsider.com/thumbnail/400/581/cm1.theinsider.com/media/0/133/17/large-2981771.jpg

    "oopsie...just balls. no dick"
    http://image3.examiner.com/images/blog/EXID39025/images/Kristen_at_Remember_Me.jpg

    @hippevag? hey where u at?

    how you liking the dick, girl? heh.

    ps. TOLD YA we'd like this place ;-)

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  18. @SmartEpantz Seriously I can’t find a bigger pic of that one, but it’s packing in there. Damn the photo for being small!

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  19. @mmMoxie - shrinkage - lol!!! that's probably it! i'll go with it...

    and i don't really care either. but it had to be said! hell i've seen his hands, ya' know? just sayin'... don't anyone get wrong impression - he's still the ONLY one on my "list" if you know what i mean!

    : )

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  20. and I will TOTALLY do a follow-up post of all the pics people send me!

    BRING IT ON, TWITARDS!

    : )

    oh my this monday is suddenly seeming much brighter... i gotta go check my email again and see if i have new pics - yum!

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  21. They say that the same gene that defines the length of a man's index finger also defines the length of his penis...flacid.

    So says Dr. Oz....

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  22. @STY - agreed! I'd work that teeny weenie (if that is the case). I don't care.....We know he has a long tongue anyway.

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  23. @Honolulu Girl - ack! yes i have seen that pic - vitaminR sent to me when i brought up my...problem the other day - but it's sooooo... smushed!!! there's definitely something going on under there but it looks... weird. i'll leave it at that - lol!

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  24. @STY I emailed you that photo, and then one of just the peen area for examination. It looks like a stress ball, all nice and squishy, and I want to squeeze it right now!

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  25. Scroll down! ;)

    http://jackasseryinthehouse.blogspot.com/2009/10/freeballing-friday.html

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  26. oooooooh, this one's not to bad. forgive me if it's redundant. it's delicious anyway...

    http://www.popsugar.com/Photos-Robert-Pattinson-7605173?page=0,0,11

    still hunting...

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  27. WE ARE FUCKING SHAMELESS! SHAMELESS I SAY! UH HUH, ALL SHOUTY CAPS!

    so, more dick, anyone?

    "junk w/a double header"
    http://www.newmoonmovie.org/images/robert-pattinson-japan-photoshoot.jpg

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  28. FML. If you follow the above link, it's pic #11. I'mma go rock back and forth in a corner now.

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  29. i'm so twitarded i'm listening to XX while i get off to this robporn.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANJb1dzNLXE

    thx STY for the delsih post. i've got err ummm loads to add to my robstash. ungh.

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  30. Either slept on the plane and just woke up (hello, Morning Wood!)

    http://www.twitpic.com/17h9zx

    Or he's REALLY happy to be in Japan!

    http://www.twitpic.com/17ha9n

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  31. @neverthink - i love XX - great stuff!

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  32. OMFG I totally did think it was JJ's post right away. You got me.

    As for Rob's crotch....umm...I mean, he could have a descent sized peen...it might just be on the smaller size when flacid...you know, one of those that grows ALOT?

    ALL I can say is...KStew seems to be satisfied. Then again, she could have vice like twat..right?

    Wishful thinking...

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  33. OK - show's over. packem' up girls - we can all go home now and have a bloody good wank.

    TWICAT fucking takes home the gold w that last fuckhawt post.

    i bow to the master, o'sparkly peen one.

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  34. omg i LOVE all the links! it's like it's raining rob peen in here - lol!!

    i gotta go to bed and i kinda feel guilty that i have been sitting here two feet from mr. snarkk all night and activenly engaging in "all things some other dude's junk" but hot damn this is fucking fun!

    i needed this - keep it up - i'll be back and there will DEFINITELY be a pic-filled follow-up post (i realize that our follow-through generally sucks but this is definitely the exception - we'll do this thang!).

    : )

    thinking i will have good dreams tonight. maybe mrs. p can analyze for me!

    mwah!

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  35. tee hee. snarkier said "keep it up".

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  36. Another gold for Canada?? ;-)

    I think Rob deserves the gold! Or freakin' platinum!! With diamonds...

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  37. Ok, I don't mean to be disrespectful to anyones eyesight here, but I'm looking at some of these links and I just don't see what everyone else is. Are they like those magic eye pictures where you have to blur or cross your eyes funny to see the image??

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  38. I had this posted on my twitpics"

    http://twitpic.com/13h8d1

    Maybe that will help??????

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  39. I have to give credit where due! I found this on another site I post on called Random Acts of Rob.

    Everyone is on 24/7 Rob Porn alert over there!

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  40. OK japan rob def has some woody action going on but that one b=ic wtf?! looks like he needs to lay off the hot-pockets - he must have just come out from a hotel bender with kstew - look at those thighs - lol!!

    i have done enough trash talking here for one night but people have asked me to address his hippy-ness in the past - lmfao!

    just remember - i luuuurv him! just like you all do!

    aaaaand ok i am REALLY going to bed now. really. riiiiight NOW. ummm... crap this is fun...

    love you diiirty gals!


    : )

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  41. @Living with Edward...

    Check the second link in my post. It's pointing to the right and up a bit....

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  42. You have to kinda wonder? Really who cares, so long as he'll get his tongue out to play & those fingers, yum.
    Shameless, love it!
    w/v orderv-Rob is my fave yummy orderv

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  43. @TO Twicat: I see it in that one, but that actually looks a bit fake. It looks like it someone maniped it. Wait, can that have a dual meaning?

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  44. @STY and @JJ---I just e-mailed you the photos...both the original and the "zoomed in".
    I'm putting my money on 'uncut'...based on my 'investigative discoveries'. PMSL!!

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  45. I might sound like a total idiot for saying this but I heard a rumor that when men's pants are tailored they leave a little extra room in the inseam depending on what side it hangs lol... so it makes me wonder if 1. is that true and 2. what side does it hang lmao!

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  46. My new theory: this explains the scowl on KStew's face at the Oscars.

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  48. http://www.twitpic.com/xbdmc thats the best crotch shot i can find...

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  49. I have been lurking for a while and who knew it would be the search for the Rob Peen Pic that would bring me out of hiding!

    Although it's kind of scary that the other week when I was having a bad coupla days my FF hOors sent me pictures of naked guys with abnormally large..... :-)

    Just saw this pic posted over on RoaR and its pretty clear that he is not a Ken Doll....

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  50. Oops forgot to post the link:

    http://wouldyoutapthat.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/rm_set_30_678.jpg

    Guess I was a little distracted...

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  51. OMG, I'm dying over here. First with laughter at Snarkier, and THAN at all the Precious peen! I'm very much looking forward to the Peen Post! A most excellent way to end the day!

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  52. Here's my contribution!

    http://chismetime.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/robert-pattinson-underwear-photo_322x436.jpg

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  54. Hey Rob, where's the beef?!

    Dying with laughter over here, STY. And I totally thought you were JJ at first.

    Call me a pessimist, but I'm not expecting anything ginormic here. think about it, does KStew EVER look satisfied? Maybe there's a reason she never smiles...But I do hope all you optimistic sluts are right ;) I'd still do him no matter what, natch.

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  55. Is this not proof enough?

    http://twitpic.com/17hmhj

    BUT this is my personal fave--definitely to the right:

    http://twitpic.com/17hqud

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  56. Thank you, EdwardsIsobel! I saw that one today and it is lovely!!!

    Living with Edward...that was my first thought too but I've been assured by the ladies at RAoR that it's allll him!

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  57. My god! Thank you all for brightening up my Tuesday. This week sucks already.

    I've nothing to contribute, I'm just a drooler in this case. :D

    @STY - I too so thought you were JJ at first.

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  58. HA HA HA. @ VitaminR that first one was Hilarious!!
    I feel like such a perv.. ive been through EVERYONES links.. save save save!!.. well done all .. seriously WELL DONE!!

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  59. It's 4am and I am cut and pasting like a whore to get a look at the sparklepeen.
    WTF?
    Rob, I must luv u!
    And it's there, I see it.

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  60. My god i am such a smut whore - i've been searching these comments purely for links of rpattz dingle dangle. I was scared at first i mean it looks like he lost his 'package' but im relieved he found it again. lol

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  61. Well, I think TO Twicat got the best one with http://www.twitpic.com/17ha9n

    My contribution are not so "grandeous" (if you could call his ding-a-ling that...), but if you close one eye, and squint with the other, you might see something with these... and if you don't, at least they're pretty.

    http://www.twilightseries.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/Robert-Pattinson32.jpg

    http://horiwood.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/robert-pattinson-cannes.jpg

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  62. bwahahahahaaa!!! ok so tuesday is looking condierably brighter than monday already!

    @vitaminr - that first one - AAAAARRRGHH!! Why?! WHY?! i dont' know if that's better or worse than that jake doll i came across early last year - yikes!!

    ok and NSFW people! lol... all i can say it barbie better look out! there's a new peen in town (i wish it sparkled. is that wrong??)

    thanks to all you sluts for your hard work - keep 'em coming and we'll put 'em all into one big dirty follow up post.

    I can't believe how entertained I am by this... so wrong... oh please let rpatts have the sense of humor we all assume he does - lol!

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  63. That was fucking hilarious! I needed that this morning, well actually a ral pic of the peen but this will suffice for now!

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  64. It is KILLING me that I can't go clicky-crazy on all these links because I'm at work and I'm pretty sure studying RPattz's crotch rather than reading contracts is a violation of some sort.

    I can't wait to get home!!!

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  65. Man, this is hilarious!! @STY, I totally thought it was JJ's post, but loving it, loving it, loving it!! Probably a REALLY bad idea for me to be reading/looking at all of the peen shots at work, as it I had to pretend to have a coughing fit to cover up my laughing from the post....

    Whatever size RPattz maybe, I still most definitely go there!

    Thanks for all the pics ladies, totally made my Tuesday!

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  66. LMAO! Apparently I'm not as pervy as I thought!

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  67. i loved how there were already 69 comments at the end of this post when i logged in. i almost didn't comment just to keep it at 69, almost.
    this is wrong on so many levels, and i love every minute of it!
    i will search.
    i was wondering where IT was when he was staring at the models tats in the bathtub photo in those tight white pants. really rob, didn't do anything for you huh? i was hot just looking at it.
    but i'm not that concerned. exhibit A) his fingers
    exhibit B) his feet
    exhibit C) his jaw line

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  68. @VitaminR That is so WRONG, and yet so damned funny! Induced a whole new batch of giggly tears this morning.
    HAPPY FUCKING TUESDAY!

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  69. oh fuck I almost totally burst out in laughing. Hahahaha, I did the same thing on Saturday and googled some dirty Rob-related naked stuff. Haha, that's so fucking great - really it is! We will have to wait until Bel Ami I guess. But you also know: sometimes with more blood on special places some things can change entirely *coughcoughwinkwink*
    still beaming ^^

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  71. STY, once again you have me at work with my face up at the computer screen praying that I don't get caught, yet unable to look away. I only clicked one of the links before deciding that it would be good to keep my job, so I guess I'll have to save all of the other shots of the precious' precious until later. Awesome post & comments!!!

    Hey, is anyone going to the LA Twiconvention this weekend? I'd love to meet a fellow Twitard!

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  72. I can't wait for the follow up post with all these pics. That might call for a day off from work.
    My favorite pic is from the Robscars last year. Shiny tux peen for the win.

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  73. I'm going to get in trouble looking at these at work, I'll have to wait until I get home. You must post all these links! This is so hilarious, I'm snorting away in my cube....

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  74. Calm down. I've fucked him. It's uncut, thick and long. And... he knows how to use it.

    ..."Rob's Bitch, honey, wake up, you're moaning in your sleep..."

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  75. I'm late to the party but I am just going to say I am putting my money on him being a "grower not a shower". :-)

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  76. Well..
    Dunno if its been posted or not but I have found a few nummy pics myself.. lets indulge a bit more (sqeee)

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_17VHNXow7TA/Sd0ChIYxfyI/AAAAAAAAF4A/uAb17WZFBXk/s400/Robert+Pattinson+Dossier+HQ+2.jpg

    http://www.bestweekever.tv/bwe/images/2009/07/Robert-Pattinson-1992.jpg

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  77. Don't be scared ladies. Most of us know that Mr. Tommy Lee is packing some serious heat. And I saw him in a speedo on TV in Tommy Lee goes to college and online and it didn't look anything truly impressive or scary. So I do believe one can hide it well.

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  78. I always look. And thanks everyone for posting the links!!

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  79. It is totally cause he is so freakin skinny. But somehow I dont think he has much goin on down there. Sorry to break it to you.

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  80. Maybe Rob's still trying to get into Jimmy Kimmel's Handsome Mens Club and he's wearing Spanks.

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  81. Hands down, Rob would be in the Handsome Mens Club....Taylor is "cute", while Rob is HOTTTTT!!! love this post!!! Can't wait to see all the links together! mmmmm....

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  82. I seriously have to stop reading this blog when on a conference call for work!

    And, eww, the camel toe....I immediately thought the same thing when I saw the pic (and wtf is that white shit??!!) and then I read your caption and spewed my peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets. Not a pretty sight.

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  83. @VitaminR: Holy monkey, that is hilarious. I guess that is proof. haha.

    @To Twicat: If it's all him then I just have one thing to say. Mozeltoff!

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  84. @LJM64: Peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets are the best. I totally have a supply at work. I wish they would make some covered in chocolate though!

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  85. @VitaminR . . . loved your pix. You are one sick twisted freak, baby!

    @Rob's Bitch . . . you are my new hero!

    I've only seen the magic peen in my dreams [lots and lots of times] but anyone who reads FanFiction KNOWS it's magnificent! All of these wonderful authors can't be wrong! And I am thankful for their loving detailed descriptions!

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  86. Perhaps Rob has been wearing that "modesty pouch" this entire time since filming "Remember Me."

    His man bits have been smooshed all up in half a 32A bra.

    He has to clear his mind of all dirty thoughts and images as to avoid becoming aroused and having the strap tighten and wedge itself up in his "ahhs crack."

    Hence, he had to convince himself he is allergic to vaginas to avoid the discomfort.

    He's probably still wearing the ball sack because he never has any clean underwear and whenever he goes commando, the twittah and fandom all zoom in on his crotch and make photo collages.

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  87. Rob's Bitch - thank you for the info!:)

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  89. Ladies, you are all perverts. And I love it.

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  90. @hippievag - omfg. *snort*

    jeebus crisp - you just made corduroy fucking sexy w/that pic...

    http://twitpic.com/17mmj1

    fucking magical my lady. magical!

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  91. Made it over to ROAR and found this:
    http://tiny.cc/sf96G

    Thinking I seem some evidence.....cuz, gotta say, this is one elusive peen for sure!

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  92. OK, I haven't gone to look at all the pics yet (some of them, but not all of them YET), but I did find this:
    http://dailygab.com/rob-pattinsons-little-ashes-secret/5130

    I don't know if this is common knowledge, but apparently he did some nudie work in Little Ashes. I'll be instastreaming that from Netflix very soon (no pun intended)...

    Off I go to peruse more peen shots! Thanks for brightening an otherwise shitastic week, ladies!

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  93. Ladies, Don't worry!!! He is just a grower, not a shower! Please baby Jesus let him be a grower!

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  94. @LJM64 "Today we trek deep into the jungle in search of the elusive sparklepeen. There have been reported sightings, but no documented evidence. It's a perilous and daunting undertaking, but we've come prepared with Trojan Magnum XL condoms in case previous reports prove accurate..."

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  95. LOL - I love the fact that we are all searching the web looking for pictures of any sighting of RPattz peen!! THANK GOD I sit in the back of the room at work and can snap out of websites when people are coming!! :)

    Here are my donations of what I've found but I'm not getting a warm/fuzzy feeling on how much of a package our boy has - but like the rest of you, does it really, really matter???

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_OoofzdWdU8s/Sw186qrQQRI/AAAAAAAALcA/zgCDddSAlLc/s1600/gallery_main-robert-pattinson-vanity-fair-outtakes-photos-11252009-02.jpg

    http://www.myddnetwork.com/clothing-shoes-accessories/wp-content/uploads/fashion-shoes-and-clothing-robert-pattinson-and-kristen-stewart-with-the-new-burberry-prorsum-collection.jpg

    http://socialitelife.celebuzz.com/bfm_gallery/2009/07/robert_pattinson_on_remember_me_set_-_july_14_2009/gallery_enlarged/gallery_enlarged-robert-pattinson-blue-shirt-07142009-01.jpg

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  96. Um...maybe he's a grower, not a shower. I have experienced that phenomenon personally, and...let's just say i am AMAZED at HOW MUCH that thing can grow. Like, I went from "HOLY CRAP get that thing away from me! It won't fit!" to "Wait, where'd it go?!?!". Just sayin....

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  97. My husband refers to me as a "peter gazer." Grrrrreat....now I am an online peter gazer too...
    :) LMAO!
    You guys are friggin hilarious! I must say.... I have been wondering for quite some time now as to the answer to this peen mystery. So glad you have brought the issue to light!!!

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  98. Well ladies...
    I guess for the sake of all us twitards I will go out there and be the guinea pig and let you all know what the goods are like. *wipes her brow* yanno the sacrifices we all have to make every so often.. this is my contribution in the name of all that is holy..
    *walks off to get her lace panty set*

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  99. Attention ladies: I have found the mecca of twi smut and man meat! :)
    www.pervpackssmutshack.com
    They have TONS of great fanfic listed among other things... and once you've read your fill of smut you can check out their link on the right side, its "The Meat Locker." No, you didnt misread that... I said MEAT LOCKER!
    It is aaaaahhhhhmazin!!!

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  100. On a side note: "This is the crotch of a eunuch Bella... I'm a eunuch."

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  101. I'm now annoyed, my now second, should have been third to last post was eaten. It had ravenous Rob-starved hoards of twidom scaring the twigs and berries in to seclusion but now all we have is this half remembered post.

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  102. OK-I'm a little slow. I'm still Jerry Lewis laughing at the UPS guy. I found some hint of RPatts package at http://www.entertainmentwise.com/photos/52295/3/Robert-Pattinson-And-Kristen-Stewarts-Romance-Is-Confirmed

    laughing to hard to look any more...

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  103. http://joebendesigns.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/crotch-shot-analyzed.jpg

    Well, something can be seen i quess :D

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  104. In my head since he's brittish, he wears very tighty whities ... and is likely a grower instead of a shower ... a very generous grower ...

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