Friday, July 23, 2010

How Come the Cast of the Twilight Saga Doesn't Want to Hang With Us?

I've been thinking about this lately. I know for a fact that at least two of the members of the Twilight Saga cast has seen/heard of Twitarded.

Kellan Lutz (along with someone from the wolfpack, so that's three, bitches) was shown a screen shot of Twitarded way back when they were doing promos for New Moon and he was totally fucking in awe of of our awesomeness horrified.

Oh yeah, that's awesomesauce!! Twitarded rules. NOT. (Our panties are much better, btw. Just sayin')

But that may have had something to do with a certain pair of panties and not our site in general. Because I'm sure if he had raced home to his fancy-pants-actor-house and read our posts he would have died laughing and totally texted RPattz and KStew...

Like, oh mah gahd, Team Twitarded is the fucking ginchiest!! We're totes gonna hang and trade beauty secrets and have a kick-ass orgy!!

Oh wait, sorry. Lost touch with reality there for a minute.

The second (or third, whatever, not sure if the wolf-boy counts because I can't remember who it was and can't find the video anymore) is Billy Burke, who had to suffer a really fuck-awful interview all because I said I hoped he didn't go the way of the Hoff.

I'm not touching that subject again. Ever.

So, yeah, some of the cast is vaguely aware of Twitarded, even if it is for, like, thirty seconds.

But the thing is, we would actually probably have fun if we all hung out together.

Now, I'm not talking about every member of the cast. For example, Dakota Fanning can't come to my party for the sole reason that she's young, talented and wicked beautiful and I'll end up feeling like the troll under the bridge in that book Three Billy Goats Gruff that Mommy (not a)Jerkface used to read to me as a kid (not to mention "real" German fairy tales, which are absolutely fucking terrifying but that's for another story). And I'm simply not having that, mainly because my pride and vanity can't handle it.

Plus, I don't want to get arrested for corrupting a minor.

Young, pretty, talented.

Annnnnnnnd not so much.

Oh, and Taylor Lautner isn't invited either. He seems too goody two-shoes, like he'd totally rat KStew and possibly me for smokin' some of the wacky tobacky together or something. And his teeth are too white. It's weird.

Looks like Taycob just smiled on stage again...

Plus, I still feel like a pedophile when I look at him.

But me, The Stew, RPattz and JBone would probably get along famously. Seriously.

For example:

The Stew - She's totally smart and is so socially awkward she makes me and Snarkier Than You practically look like Queens of Social Awesomeness [STY's note - Er, maybe you but not me!!]. Plus, she likes to drink and seems to think that lots of people (namely the paparazzi) are total cock-sucking dick-drips.

I can relate to that!! It might not be the paparazzi, but I share the sentiment when it comes to my fellow commuters, people who wait until the last second to pull out their wallet in line, people who honk at me at crosswalks when I have the right of way (I hope someone cuts your nuts off, Mr. Lexus-driving-douchebag), people who stare at my tattoos like they're the plague, and zombies.

Me: Hey, KStew, are there paps behind me?!
KStew: No...
Me: Then who are you giving the finger to?
KStew: ... Are you actually this stupid?
Me: Ohhhh. I see how it is. Can I still braid your hair?

RPattz - This pretty Brit boy is self-deprecating, has a great sense of humor, likes music and totally loves his Heineken and ciggies. The things we could talk about!! We could wax poetic about the latest books he's reading, how is allergy to vaginas is coming along and --

Oh, who the hell am I kidding.

I'd probably just end up sitting there like a dolt, drooling and stuttering and frighten the poor guy. Plus, Latchkey Wife probably wouldn't be allowed to come and hang with us, what with the potential restraining order she's bound to get from his attorneys one of these days, and that would throw the trifecta off a little bit.

Not that I necessarily care. At the very least I have a really awesome porch where he can sit and chain smoke and whimper softly to himself in fear.

I can't believe I have to sit here and watch these two batty bitches re-enact "the meadow" scene. Someone, please, please save me!!

JBone - Out of the entire cast, me and Jackson Rathbone seem to have the most in common. And by "the most", I mean Man Man.

Jackson Rathbone is a lover of music and so am I. In particular, he lists my numero uno favorite band EVAH, Man Man, as one of his influences so I just KNOW we're going to get along famously and talk about a ton of shit.

I'm officially extending an open invitation to you, Jacksper. You're more than welcome to come to my house, drink some whiskey or wine and even hang out in my Man Cave.

Well, it's not MY Man Cave, since the last time I checked I had a vagina (even though ML says that I have really big balls every once in awhile) but there is a Man Cave on the premises and you're free to come by and play with it.

The Man Cave beckons you, Jackson!!

For real, Jackson. It'll be great. We could totally jam out on the skin flute guitars and keyboards and even though I can't actually play a guitar it will still be awesome!!

Uh, I just want to thank JJ for letting me play in her Man Cave...

So c'mon, Twilight cast!! Come hang out with us!

It's cool, I'll just sit here and wait for you to get in touch with us...

I have a feeling I probably should get a drink or something. This could be awhile.


  1. OMG This never happens - first!

    JJ, I feel your pain. No matter how much I tweet they don't seem to love me either.

    Agree with all above points, I just think you need to add PFach to that list. As long as he leaves wifey at home, I reckon we could have some good times...

  2. "Can I still braid your hair?" Oh dear gawds, that is some funny shit!
    Great post, JJ!

  3. Rob seems like he'd be a totally fun lush. He'd giggle.. a lot... like to the point he'd look stoned or was on shrooms. He's a cutey patootie.

  4. I want to chill with Jackson so bad it's ridiculous. I swear I won't even try to get him naked. Well, not at first. But seriously, though, this dude seems like the chillest mothafucka ever.

    And JJ, hell, *I* want to come hang out in your mancave. So... much... music... Also, I am really, really good at braiding hair. I swear, it's true, I'm not even bragging. Can I braid yours in FOOORRRKKSSS?!

    Is it creepy that I just asked that?

    And I'm also with I_heart_Fifty, we gots ta get some PFach up in heah... he would be a laugh riot! Plus we know he shares our penchant for dirty language after that MTV movie awards speech!

    Braids for everyone!

  5. *princesspottymouth*July 23, 2010 at 9:05 PM

    Ah man your totally right about The Jackson! My sister and I went to the 100 Monkeys show two nights ago and he was totally cool. Except for the fact that he said "um, no" when I asked him to say "Never lose focus"! I JUST HAD TO!! But it did make him laugh...good enough for me! But ya he took pics and ever thing! Our drunk ASSes didnt think to tell him about The Forks Trip till after! ""Doh""...hits self in head!

  6. Man cave! ML has quite a nice man cave. Not a single tacky beer neon light in sight. Also: drum kit! Because neighbors can fuck off, that's why. Poor Mr. Myg has to share his man cave with me. That's what he gets for sleeping with the singer.

  7. Myg! Please tell me you will sing a song with me around the campfire in FOOOORRRKKKSSS.

    I'll even braid your hair.

  8. OMG, I'm so so so very sorry about the follow-up lame-ass Billy Burke interview by some lame-ass reporter who he should've punched. For real. Who would win in a fight? Charlie or Edward? WTF was that? He's like, "Ummm, the vampire? Cause Charlie has no super powers" And he's thinking, "Dumb bitch." For reals that was horrible.

    But doesn't take away from the awesomeness of the tweets. I think Billy had to appreciate y'all's intelligence. Do you have to be dumb to interview celebrities? I don't get it. For real.

    Can you imagine if all those listed above came to Fooooorrrrks? Ima ponder that for a while. Night!

  9. Excellent JJ! I totally agree! I'd want to come hang out too. I'll hop in my Volvo or maybe take NJ Transit and head on up! Um never mind, I'll take Rt. 1 instead. I can't think of any reason why the Twilight cast wouldn't want to hang at your place... well, I can think of a few, but I'm sure we could all act like adults. Ok, probs not but the least they could do is check out Twitarded and see just how awesome we really are! Music, drinks, lots of laughs and trying not to molest any of them - good times. Oh, and I can braid hair too!

  10. Mother fucking Drunk Beanie Scruff Rob for the win! My ultimate fantasy. Gah!!!!!

    Oh shit. There's more to this post, isn't there? Sorry ;)

    I totally agree with your party list. Leave the young pup behind. Roll one up with KStew. Wax on/Wax off with Rob. Hang out in the Man Cave with JBone. Act young with 17forever ;)


  11. It just dawned on me that I never got to see the Man Cave when I was visiting last month. Pfffft... that sucks. Looks like a pretty cool place. But then again, if my memory serves me right, there were a lot of sweaty band dudes there so that's probably why I stayed upstairs.

    I love this post. And I will NOT be served any fucking restraining orders. RPattz told me he likes 'em a little crazy. He's going to lurve hanging out with us so much! (I have a front porch too!!)

  12. Taycob smiling again on stage....I am thankful I wasn't drinking something when I read that....LMFAO. did NOT ask Jacksper to say that...that is fucking AWESOME! You now rock my world - along with STY, JJ & LKW.

    @JJ - I was born in Germany & my mom is german & used to read Der Struwwelpeter to me. Do you know that one? 'You can google it''s terrifying. She bought a copy for my 4 year old & he loves it, especially the story of the thumb sucker who gets his thumbs cut off by the taylor....good stuff that.

  13. JJ - love the post - giggled till i peed yet again! And I totally remember Three Billy Goats Gruff....effin' loved that book....trip trap, trip trap...just sayin'...

  14. Wow! Fuckawesome mancave, JJ!

    I want to go to there!!!!

  15. I still have my big stash of twitarded buttons. I'll fling them onstage at the 100 Monkeys show next week (Take that Vitamin R!)Jackson's bound to notice.

  16. JJ, I fuckin love this site. Couldn't have said it better myself

  17. i'm surprised there's no mention of KLutz! c'mon, he may not be much of a conversationalist, but he could stand around shirtless and do some push ups or something. maybe re-enact his Calvin Klein shoot? *droooooooool*
    and i would def invite Taylor. He could trade silly bands with my 5-year-old :)

  18. Just gotta ask. When you invited Jacksper to hang out in your "man cave" could that possibly be a euphamism for your va-jay-jay? Either that was a Freudian slip or my mind is really filthy (or both).

  19. Hmm, if Jackson is near I will kill you all in a psychotic fit of rage to get near him. Just sayin'.

    You all can keep Stew and the one you all have deemed the Precious, but crooked smile, music loving, photography medium mixing, drinking, all around sexy voice having Jackson needs some alone time with the likes of this zaftig, bald woman.

  20. They totes should want to hang out here. Maybe they're just waiting for the paps to leave them alone long enough so they can slip off without being noticed. They probably want it to be more of a private gathering.

    I like it here.


  21. @Fragile Little Human I agree, I would definitely like to see KLutz in his Calvins. His dimples are amazing as well.

    Of course I would most like to see The Prettay there but I would make such an ass of myself with the inability to form a complete sentence, the constant drooling and the body tremors. He would think I have Tourette's for sure.

    I would like Billy Burke to show up. He's only a year younger than I, sexy, talented, and we would get along smashingly I'm sure of it! I would even sing a song with him after 3 martinis.

  22. Fooorkspimp, we will totally be braiding and singing around the campfire. I'll even grow my hair out.

    And Fragile Little Human, I'd love to have Kellan hang out and just tweet at me. I love his tweets. He's such a sweetie pie!

    And Twitarded Mom - if man cave isn't a euphemism for vagina, then I don't know what is.

  23. @Forkspimp -- I'm totally down for some hair braiding. Well, not on me, since I don't have enough hair but I bet I can do a pretty bang up job on braiding someone else's hair!!

    @Myg - Our neighbors hate that drum kit. I should mention that there is something they call the "junkyard" which is not pictured. It's a snare drum contraption with various clangy things attached to it. Like a metal garbage can lid.

    Yeah, our neighbors hate us. There goes the neighborhood!!

    @Twilight Junkie - YES!!! That is the exact book! I freaked out when she read me the story about the boy who sucked his thumb. I've never forgotten that, lol.

    @TwitardedMom - Oddly enough, Man Cave wasn't a euphemism for my lady bits... until the second I wrote this post and realized that it was puuuuuuurfect. LOL!

    @Kintail -- I'm torn between being excited you'd do that or being horrified that they might actually read the blog. I think I need to buck it up and say DO IT!!! LOL!

    I'm still waiting for my phone call from one of them...

  24. The wolf boy was Jared aka Bronson Pelletier who was with Kellan and saw the site, he seemed to think the panties were funny. Unlike Kellan who didn't react well at all Kstew was shown them by some Spanish interviewer as well.

    I'd like to add Daniel Cudmore to the list, that guy has a wicked sence of humor and would keep us in stiches all night. Besides being one tall drink of water that I'd like to climb like mount everest!!!!

  25. They should def be hangin with us. Hell, they don't know what they're missing. I still fantasize that they have been lurking and are going to show up in Forks. A girl can dream.
    Kintail, brilliant idea throwing twitarded buttons. You may be our only hope. We're counting on you! (no pressure)
    Fragile Little Human, your Taylor playing with silly bands comment is what made me laugh hystericaly! Probably because my house is crawling in them and it totaly sums up my feelings about Tacob. Good one!

  26. JJ: Totally loving the "KStew, can I still braid your hair" comment. Priceless!

    xo J

  27. @JJ - dooooood....we now have 2 things in common. Wanna hang out? I can french braid? I'll read you stories from Der Struwwelpeter & I'm a counselor, so I can talk you down from your trauma reaction.

  28. @Twilight Junkie - I'm so there, dollface.

    I remember crying when my Oma or mom would read me those stories... and people wonder why I'm weird. LOL!

  29. @JJ - what's really weird about it is that book was written by a psychologist for children. That's pretty fucked up, at least by today's standards.
    You can look it over while I'm having first dibs on Rob (I had to bring it back to topic).

  30. "... the skin flute." I completely agree with you on the JBone. He is truly underappreciated, so let's "appreciate" (wink*) him more.

  31. It may not be Pantygate, The Hoff sitch, or Pooping in Rob's Trailer, but this is the kind of post that will be read. Probably by JBone, too. I bet BB subscribed to the feed and already called Jackson to let him know what's up.

    JJ, this may for all time be one of my fave posts. Rock out.

  32. LMAO @ whimper softly to himself in fear!. *ROFL*

    I agree with @Fragile little human. You should have added Kellan to the list. Ashley G did say he was a bad influence the other day. They both went out drinking the night before their "men's health" & "Women's health" mag shoots respectively.

    I thought that was freaking hilarious, JJ!

  33. i just want to be a fly on the wall when this all goes down.

    BTW the "Looks like Taycob just smiled on stage again..." - f*cking EPIC!!!

  34. I still have regrets that I didn't go down to Portland waaaaaay back when they were filming Twilight and just have a happen chance run in with Rob at Powell's Bookstore where he was known to hang out. Rob, books,coffee,big comfy overstuffed chairs. I could have been his older woman awesome fucking confident through all this sad, too bad.

    @kintail....I fully support you throwing the pins...if I were with you I would throw with you in tandem. We can throw pins to ML at the Roadside Graves concert together. I bet he would just LOVE that. Teehee!

    JJ--have they called yet? Wait, you didn't post your are they going to call?

    V/W: fuchuing. They better fuchuing call.

  35. I get what I like to call nervous lips when I meet someone famous.

    I try to smile but my lips do this weird shakey, mind of their own thing like I look like I'm about to stroke out or something.

    SO you probably shouldn't invite me to your party for fear of someone accidentally dialing 911. OR you could just put one of those leather ball gag masks over my face like in Pulp Fiction a la "The Gimp".

    Yea, that would be way better.


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