Thursday, September 30, 2010

You want me to do what?

We all know this blog is the #1 place to go when you want to talk about #2. In the past, that h00r, Jenny Jerkface persons who shall remain nameless posted about defiling a certain gentleman's trailer, among other things. Some of us are cut from a classier cloth. I'd like to elevate the tone here. Stay with me.

I texted JJ earlier today and told her I was going to write a post about micturition. I think she assumed I was kidding. She should know better. I never joke about urine.

As some of you may be aware, I recently moved. I'm starting a new job soon where I will play on Twitter and read / write fanfiction work very hard for my new employer. One of the requirements for my employment was to take a drug test.

Guess I should throw a blanket over that or something.

They sent me some fancy looking paperwork with the name and address of a lab nearby. I trucked down there first thing this morning, hoping to avoid a crowd. One thing you should know about me—I hate germs. A lab full of germy people is pretty much my 7th circle of Hell. If I could I would walk around like this all day.

Do you have this in pink?

My luck being what it is, I did not avoid the crowd. I was number 11,786,465 in line. Another interesting TK fact—I make Jenny Jerkface's hypochondria look like amateur night. This lab, clearly run by Mephistopheles, was airing some kind of health channel that catalogues all kinds of symptoms for your viewing pleasure. I'm certain I have less than a week to live now that I've been self-diagnosed with depression, bulimia, hip dysplasia, Restless Leg Syndrome, prostate cancer, Gulf War Syndrome and Parvo.

After a lifetime thirty minutes, I was finally called for my turn. The doctor / nurse / man in scrubs had a seriously thick accent and had to repeat everything he said at least five times. I think I was his favorite patient of the day. He shoves a plastic thimble into my palm and says, "Pee in this." Come again? I've never seen a smaller container.

This is pretty much what he gave me. I don't know who Nick is, but he's in for a surprise.

I tried to explain to this man in the medical profession that I have girl parts and bad aim. He's basically asked me to land a space shuttle on a coaster. He had no response. Just as I was closing the bathroom door, he says, "Oh, and you can't wash your hands until you sign some paperwork."

Wait. What?

This is a hard limit for me. I wash my hands. All. The. Time. Jenny Jerkface luuuuurved making fun of me for bringing 2 bottles of hand sanitizer to SXSW, but then that bitch asked to borrow one every five seconds. After arguing with this dude (did I mention I was his favorite person of the day?) I capitulated & closed the bathroom door. He stood right outside. Like, RIGHT outside. I could see his shadow and hear him breathing. My bladder immediately went into Red Alert, boarded up shop and told my urine, "You shall not pass!" Gandalf lives in my excretory system. Who knew?

Then the real horror show started. There were no paper liners to put down over the toilet seat. Holy hell. I had no idea I'd need a bevy of narcotics just to make it through this drug test.

Hold the cafe, mocha & latte and make that a double.

Hovering over the toilet while aiming the thimble cup in five inch heels is like nailing Jell-o to a tree. Meanwhile, Heavy Breather is still outside the door and Gandalf is sending all fluids back from whence they came. Complete panic set in and I started sweating like a whore in church. Fast forward about nine hours and I finally filled the thimble. Halfway.

I exited the disgusting bathroom (without washing my hands) and handed the cup to Mouth Breathing Scrubs Man. "It's half empty," he said.

"I like to think of it as half full," I retorted. Fucking pessimist.

He gave me a nasty look because he was probably picking up on some of the sarcasm I wasn't bothering to tamp down. Whatever. I might have felt a little sorry for him if he hadn't asked me to then sign some papers with HIS pen. Motherfucker. Why don't they just throw a cage of rats on my face and be done with it? All eleven million people in front of me used that pen with their pee hands. Some of those people were dudes who clearly had to touch their wangs, their meaty man sticks, their one-eyed pussy marauders before touching that pen. I needed a safe word. He had to ask me three more times before I finally grabbed the pen with two fingers and scrawled my name, while throwing up into the back of my mouth.

Needless to say, I've washed my hands about 85 times since this morning.

Damn straight.

Everyone grab your pee cups and meet me in the comment section. I shared some of my neurotic tendencies. Now you show me yours.


  1. Hahahahahahaha I love you.

    I had a whole poetic fucking comment to leave, but forgot it when I clicked "comment" and my verification word was "cubbi."


  2. I'm so glad we get to learn about you while those twat waffles are out having fun in Forks without us. Thanks for entertaining us!!!

  3. OMG, my favorite part, besides the heebee jeebees running up and down my spine, is the cat with the CDO. OF COURSE it should be in alpha order. Why have i never heard of this before?

    So glad someone is manning the store!

  4. Ewwwww! I would have freaked out too. I mean, WTF??! Why can't you wash your hands? It probably would have been okay to brush your teeth though...

  5. LMAO. I was worried that the blog would got to the birds while everyone was in FOOOOORKS! but you're hilarious, TK.

    Ok, so fresh urine is sterile, so that doesn't squick me out so much, but I would've never used his pen. Ew. No.

    When in public, I always wash my hands before I use the bathroom. I'd rather sit on the toilet seat than get dirt/grease/germs from my hands on my girlie bits.

  6. i don't have to tell you my neuroses because THESE ARE MINE. i would have had a stroke and said 'eff this job!' maybe not, but i would have insisted upon gloves and spray disinfectant beforehand.
    i love you, TK. you make me feel like i'm not totally alone.
    and you, rachael, who washes her hands BEFORE going. I DO TOO.
    man, i love you guys.

  7. It's been pointed out (by someone who speaks English as a 2nd language, no less) that I misspelled GaNdalf. I suck. That lab visit was the high point of my day. It pretty much went downhill from there. I was a little punchy after I wrote this post, inserted all the pictures & then accidentally deleted it. I'm now chugging wine from the bottle.

  8. Ok, TK, first of all no more big words that send me off to Google. So much for my college edumacation. Me feel smart right now.

    I'm not neurotic about things when I'm at home (except for checking, double checking, triple checking that my front door is locked before I go to bed), I'm dealing with my own filth there, but outside, that's another story. Especially at work because I've discovered after many years of sharing the same space with people, I've come to the conclusion they're all fucking slobs. Someone must clean up after their asses at home. Seriously, it's gross. I try my hardest not to touch anything there unless I have to. I want my own stapler and 3-hole punch and NO you cannot borrow them.

    Love the CDO cat, that is awesome.

    Thanks for your bloggy goodness, keeping us company while all those h00rs are in Forks. Still pretty pissed I'm not there. *sigh*

    w/v: stolip All I see is Stoli and now I want vodka.

  9. I laughed until I cried! Could your day have gotten any worse? I shudder to think of the filth in doctor's offices/labs..ewwwwww. Now wonder you're drinking! and CDO cat was the best freaking thing I've seen all week!

  10. You had me mighty impressed at the "5 inch heels" part. Wow - that's ambitious! You go girl!

    My neurotic tendencies....hmmmm....insane preoccupation with one Robbie Pattinson. I am old enough to be his mother, for Christ's sake. This thing has gone on for a year and a half. I have 2 giant-sized Edwards in my house, and many posters on my wall. I think my mother-in-law cut me out of the will for that. But damn, it's fun! And so here I am on Twitarded. Sigh...

    Thanks for holding down the fort for the Twitards. Can't wait to hear their stories!

    Word verification: peessiz . Wish I could get me a peessiz of RPattz!

  11. Love the post.

    I need to get something off my chest.

    I bought my first full size Edward today.

    He's came pretty cheap (that's what she said). Only 33 bucks.

    Only the best 33 bucks I've ever spent.

    It's NM Edward. I can't help it. I loved the tweed.e

  12. Imagine you are 9 months pregnant with your 1st baby having fucking killer contractions when they hand you that tiny little thimble and say pee in this. You have to be FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!! I had no clue where my crotch even was at that point and ended up peeing all over my hand.

    Great post TK! Thanks for taking over while the twat waffles are away

  13. OMG LOL

    ya know, I have friends that fake these all the time. They bring fake pee in with them, pour some in the cup, some in the toilet. violia! no sitting on dirty seats and no pee on your hands.

    the pen thing sounds pretty unavoidable though.

  14. Sure hope you pass the test after all that. Wonder how reliable that lab is?

    Sharing your post with your new co-workers sounds like a great little icebreaker. You really get to know someone when you work with them.

    I peed a little while reading your post. Irony. It's a good thing.

  15. He did not make you touch that nasty pen. I would be rifling through my med cabinet for some unused antibiotics right now. Ick.(shudder)

    OCD and neurotic, definitely. Let's see, all DVDs in alphabetical order and by series or genre. All cans in food pantry closet are facing front. When I'm anxious or stressed, I clean. As in baseboards. Oh, and I have a total lock-down bladder when someone gives me a time limit. Sealed up. End of story. Not a drop.

    @BasketCaseMom: congrats! Welcome to the Twi-life obsession. Forget RL. We've all been there. *hugs* the tweed, really>?

  16. OH TK you are preaching to the neurotic choir here... I hate public bathrooms and carry hand sanitizer with me everywhere. When I go out I make sure to pee b4 I leave and keep my drinks to a minimum so I won't have to pee til I get home. I used hand sanitizer at the bar and my friends were making fun of me... "Hey bitches while your busy dying from ebola, I'll be the one laughing."

    How many washes do you think it will take to get the man meat/juices off your hands ewwwww. I'm going with 1000 at the very least

  17. LMAO! Awesome post, TK!

    I'm not good at the pee-in-a-cup game at all and I'm not sure I could have left the toilet without washing my hands. Then again if I knew I was going to have to touch the pee pen I might have wanted to keep a layer of my own urine on my fingers hoping it would serve as some sort of magical pee barrier.

    I never sit on public toilet seats (even with the paper) unless I'm drunk. Then I suddenly either don't care or I develop a bad case of drunk-legs which make me unable to assume the squatting piss position for longer than 5 seconds. Considering drunk peeing lasts no less than 12 minutes I just take the time to sit and not ponder which diseases I'm eventually bound to contract that way.

    I think that pervoid nurse dude was fucking with you. He just wants to see how many people he can get to touch his pee pen. Perv!

    P.S. I'll wait as long as it takes to get updates on "Going Down?" but that doesn't mean I won't harass you from time to time when I'm jonesin' for a fix. :)

  18. I about PMSL at "This is a hard limit for me." and "I needed a safe word."

    I love a good MotU reference!

  19. OMG TK - I laughed so hard my stomach hurts. Great posts darlin, just great. We were all right there with you in that hellhole of a lab. Love, love, love the CDO cat, that's where I really lost it!!!!! I have a story about trying to get a fecal sample to submit for my "loose bowels" but it's a story for another day maybe...or maybe not.

    The dichotomy of discussing pee/poop and the impressive intellect in in this blog is just unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I love all the twitarded twatwaffle hoors that come here to post and to comment. You're all truly my "peeps".

    P.S. from me too - your Bella in Going Down is my favorite of all the fanfics and this includes MotU and EP. Just saying (hint, hint, hint, but hey no pressure).

  20. Fab post TK! How is nobody else concerned at the fact that the man carries his germy pen around with him - and why can't you wash until you've signed?? He obviously has some VERY sick germy pee hand fetish - has nobody at that lab worked out that they have a pee fetishist on their hands (scuse the pun) here? What other explanation for the tiny cup and handwashing ban can there be?

  21. I'm with you there TK! I wash my hands about 5 Million (a little exaggeration there, No?) times a day. Especially if one of us is sick. I freak when someone comes to my home (or going to their home) and they or their kids are sick...I mean seriously Green nasty crap coming out of noses, one of those coughs that sounds like their lungs will pop up through their throats at any moment and they don't cover their mouths. They wipe their kids noses, don't wash their hands and then grab the trisket in the middle of the bowl. Ugh! My SIL says I'm "Anal" like that. Duh...

  22. EEEeeeww. Green Triskets. (I just dry heaved a little.) Reminds me of "What Happens in Vegas" with Ashton Kutcher. To piss off his "wife", he shoves his hand way down his pants, does some ball jugglin, and reaches into the shared popcorn. yum.

    Uh, another topic: anyone heard from our other bloggy hOOrs? I haven't seen anything on the national news yet...

  23. I squirmed when I read this - and not in a good way. When I am at the office (no - not that one) I wash my hands and sanitise before I use the toilet. I cover the seat with paper and then hover and pee. I use a tissue to turn the water on to wash my hands and sanitise again. I then use a tissue to open the door to leave. Takes hours out of my day - ho hum.

  24. They wouldn't let you wash your hands???!!! WHAT!!!??? What does washing your hands have to do with testing your pee? I hope that man-in-scrubs forgot to wash his hands before eating his lunch. Especially after touching that pen all day! DISGUSTING!! I remember how much I peed on my own hand when I had to do a urine test. When I told the guy, he got really uncomfortable and just looked at me & fake laughed. Whatever. I am glad you were sassy to him. YUCK!

  25. @astonmartingirl--I saw the bloggy h00rs last night on Skype. They are alive & well. For now.

  26. Ew. Gross.

    I can't poop while traveling. It's true. Although Forks seems to be magical because I've already done the deed. I'll take photos TK and text them to you.

    I won't touch mushrooms....dude they're Fungus and if they make a drug to cure something I'm pretty sure I don't want to touch it....much less eat it.

    Most of my neuroses have to do with food though. If I eat m&ms I have to separate them by color and line them up and eat them in order of the shortest line to the longest..survival of the fittest and all. If two lines are equal then I must eat them in alternating sequence.

    So, yea...there's lots more crazy where that comes from....

  27. OMG I stumbled upon this site and read your whole rant. I am in tears trying not to laugh too loud at work. Subscribing to RSS feed NOW!

  28. Hey! I wrote this long thing and then because my husband was signed into google and not me and because I didn't write the captcha correctly, it got lost. Fuckers.

    Anyway, I am completely with you, TK. The thing you didn't mention, though, that to me is by far the very very worst part of going to one of those places is the fact that they are chock full of drug addicts. Chock full. Or former drug addicts, I should say. Hopefully. The teenagers there with their guardian grandparents, the really really seedy looking guy, the really really sleepy looking girl. I fucking hate it. I've had to bring my kids there yearly to get their lead/whatever testing and I tell you what, it sucks the entire thing.

    But never before had I really worried about the bathroom. I was too busy worrying about being shanked in a corner for ten dollars. Or my cell phone. Or something. Now, though? I might start wearing gloves.

    So thanks, Tk! (You're doing great, btw and eff those guys out in Foooorrrrkkkks. JK. No, but, eff them.) :)

  29. "Hovering over the toilet while aiming the thimble cup in five inch heels is like nailing Jell-o to a tree." ROFLMFAO!!!

  30. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot that is the most disgusting story I've ever heard and I'm the only girl working for a construction company! Ewwwww I just went through half of my travel hand sanitizer reading that. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

  31. @TK I laughed so hard reading this post one of my coworkers actually came to my office to shush me. Fucking epic!!!! Now if you'll excuse me I have to go change my undies cause I think I peed myself. You are awesome!

  32. I am so glad that your craziness leads to such awesome stories. Thanks for the laugh on such an emo day. LOL!!!!!


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