Friday, October 15, 2010

Give me your tired, your poor & your sopping cores.

My name is TexasKatherine. I write Twilight fanfiction. New high? New low? Both at the same time? You decide.

Most of you whores here have taken the nose dive off the fanfic cliff. For those holdouts who seem to have Edward-like willpower about your fic virginity, I'll just say that it only hurts for a minute. [Insert creepy voice] Join us. You know you want to. All your friends are doing it.


It's like peer pressure. Only smuttier.


I do have some pet peeves about fic clich├ęs. Yes, I know I write a story that is so borderline crackfic, it's unreal. I have the biggest glass house on the block. Bella and Edward grind sausage in an elevator while Alice chases truckers. I should be getting my head examined instead of throwing stones. Unfortunately, I'm a bitch who hates labs, so the stones are gonna fly.

First and foremost, I could go the rest of my life without hearing how tight Bella is. I get it. She's fucking tight. She has a vag the size of a pin head. Bella is so mother humping tight I don't know how she can walk down the street without falling over. Her cooter is the tiniest thing on the planet. Whatever.

Insert tongue in cheek NOW. In five...four...three...two...one... GO!

Tight. Tight. Tight. Blah. Blah. Blah.


Edward, your wienermobile is double parked in Bella's cock garage.

Just once I'd like to hear Edward say, "Bella, your pussy is so cavernous I want to drive my Volvo up in there and camp for a week." Incidentally, if you know of a fic like this, link me. Immediately.


This brings me to my next point. Bella's cooter is always like a damned rainforest. Forks is not the wettest place in the continental U.S. - Bella's poon is. If you have a "sopping core," it is a medical condition. See a professional (or WebMD) ASAP. This is the female equivalent of having an erection that lasts more than 4 hours. That shit ain't normal. Get it checked out.


Speaking of abnormalities: cumming on command. Maybe it's just my obstinate nature, but I don't do anything on command. Mr. TK would get a facepunch if he tried to dictate my cummings and goings. The first five times I read about Edward telling Bella when/where to cum, I thought it was unique. Eleventy millions times later—not unique.

Next on my hit list is the fact that Bella shows her O face in 99.999999% of lemons. Ok, I guess there's no point in reading smut if all parties don't clench and grunt and moan. It just rubs me the wrong way on occasion (pun totally intended) because it's not realistic. Sometimes I my friend just needs to hit it, quit it, and load the dishwasher.

Moving along. Kissing is not the same as spelunking, folks. It sometimes feels like I'm reading about Lewis and Clark porking Sacagawea with all the exploring happening—tongues exploring mouths, mouths exploring other regions, etc, etc, ad nauseum. Let's just pick a new word and move along. While we're on the topic of tongues, they shouldn't "fight for dominance" either. Edward's will win. Every time. Even if Edward is not in the story, his tongue still wins. The end.



Two tongues enter. Only Edward's leaves.


Let's talk about spunk. Why is is always described as tasting like sunshine and cotton candy? Whether you swallow or not, it tastes like melted ass fermenting in the hot sun. If you liken jizz to a hot fudge sundae, I need your name and contact info. I am turning your arse in to Crime Stoppers as you are most likely a serial killer. [Serial killers have no taste buds. Trufax. Look it up. This blog is educational, bitches.]



Cotton candy. Made with 100% organic baby batter.



I could go on forever, but I will leave you with this: where are everyone's socks? Edward should have a raging case of athlete's foot as he never, ever, ever wears socks. I pay close attention when the Sparkly One strips. Shirt. Check. Belt. Check. Sometimes shoes. Check. Pants. Check. Underwear. Check, check and hummina check.

No socks.

Never socks. Why?

124 comments:

  1. I fear that maybe we just read too much Fan Fiction to notice all of this... nah... not possible LOL!!

    Hmmm I am interested to hear people's theories on the socks - I have never thought about it before. Interesting.

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  2. Phew....I'm not the only one who gets annoyed as fuck at having to hear about how Bella can cum on command and Ewards jizz tastes like Martha Stewarts cupcakes...for christ sake..get over it!

    MOTU owned me, and it's hard to move on from that....esp since I'm not a HUGE ff fan. I have yet to read yours, but have heard good things...we'll see.... ;)

    PS You fit right in...as we always knew you would.

    xo J

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  3. Excellent, excellent points. I'd like to add that there is NEVER a wet spot in fanfic. Anyone can sleep anywhere because it's dry, dry, dry. I actually wrote a jizzy mess into a chapter and one of my betas vetoed it. Fantasy wins over reality in fanfic, as this post so eloquently points out. No worries, TK, I brought my own Windex for the glass walls;)

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  4. Oh my god that is all so true!!! There should be a fic where Edward is a selfish lover and Bella never makes it off at O-Town... not the boy band, Liquid Dreams anyone... anyone???

    Bella's a leaky h00r with a tiny vag and Edward is walking around with a raging boner all day! They both need medical attention, ASAP!!!

    Just a thought about the socks maybe they screw with their socks on?

    I laughed so hard reading this I scared my cat LOL

    PS I love Going Down. E&B make me giggle.

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  5. ROFLMFAO! Seriously? The weinermobile in the garage, TK? You went there? Fuck. Of course, YOU went there.. Nice. And I totally love you for it. Someone please tell me who is NOT reading fanfic? I want to talk to them and remember what it was like to feel so innocent or at least not quite so pervy.

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  6. LOVE this post.

    I'd like to throw one of my own fic-cliques into the mix - Bella's 'tiny' hands.

    JFC.

    Every time I hear of Bella grasping his throbbing manhood with her 'tiny, small hands' I immediately see her as a ten year-old girl, and that shit isn't cool with me. Can we seriously not just say 'hands' for God's sake? WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS SMALL?

    In protest against this creepy phenom, I recently wrote a Bella who has giant, masculine man-hands. *nods* Cause that's not creepy at all.

    Love this blog. Thanks for making me snort/giggle all over the place.

    Kiya x

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  7. Oooh, I've got another...

    "I felt that familiar surge of electricity the moment I came into contact with his/her skin..."

    Really? So, Edward and Bella are like walking electrical outlets? ENERGY CRISIS SOLVED!

    Fluv the post!

    clpsuperstar

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  8. SuperLOL! I've often wondered what was up with all the leaky tightness. It's like a fic meme or something. This post is hilarious.

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  9. ... wrapped around Bella's long brown hair, so thick that Rapunzel is jealous,waiting for Charlie to order pizza, Jake to look concerned/confused/loving... um, where was I going with this?

    Whatever JJ,STY and LKW paid/bribed/tricked you to join them-fuckawesome!

    PS Edward takes his socks off in MoTU. Slooooowly.

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  10. TK--you always notice things that I do not. You are the yin to my yang. Heh-heh.

    FTR--Spunk tasts like the rind on brie cheese...even if they eat pineapple.

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  11. LMAO!! Great post, @TK! I emphatically agree on all counts.

    I never thought about the socks though. Since so many fanfics have Edward walking around in nothing but jeans (and occasionally a white button down shirt - squeee!) I guess I figured he simply never wears socks. That or he leaves them on. Just as Rob likes to run on a ginormous treadmill in black socks perhaps Edward likes to fuck in them. The kinky devil. Oh, and eeew.

    I'm on my kajillionth fanfic (which, let's face it, is the only real issue here) and I've rolled my eyes at the descriptions many a time. I've even skipped a few paragraphs now and then to get past the irritatingly and/or embarrassingly described lemons hoping desperately to get back to the plot. I know - shocking! PWP?!!?

    I've read more fanfic in the past several months than any one person should read in a lifetime and that's really the only reason why these things have started to bother me. But sweet zombie Jesus (yep - read that in a fanfic) I'm addicted and I don't care.

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  12. This was seriously the funniest thing I have ever read! LOL!

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  13. Socks/Feet - Feet are funny. This is why writers avoid mentioning feet. Nothing ruins a good masturbatory moment like mention of feet. LOL!

    I stayed away from FF because everything I'd heard about was an extension of the original...covering Isle Esme or continuing where BD leaves off. It just...didn't seem right to me. However, I discovered non-canon FF which I can handle...because those versions lived a different life so things turned out differently.

    I'm sick to death of the small hands, small feet, small whatever. If a writer has Edward describe Bella that way a LOT, then I start imagining Edward with a small peen and delusions of grandeur.

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  14. ::jumpy happy claps:: Well done!!! Nice inaugural post! Every point you made: check check check. We all know this stuff, most authors know they did it early on. So now we laugh at it. And school the newbs. You're just the bitch to do it. (I said Do It.)

    Yours in juices with pools of molten chocolate brown holding a breath I didn't realize I was holding with my tiny hands...

    Anntastic23

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  15. Don't stone me if (some) of my opinions differ. We is a wild bunch & can't all agree on everything.

    Bella is tight? DUH FF writers, she is a 110 lbs virging. Why does Edward always have a Monster Cock? Seems like an average one would be enough. After all he already has the huge advantage of being Edward Cullen.

    As for the flavor thing, Mr TM bought me a book called Tickle His Pickle. One of the many, many penis facts is that each man's jizz tastes different based on their diet. They even offer a recipe guaranteed to make your man taste better.

    Cumming on command??? Somehow I think if Robward were doing all kinds of durty things to me I could cum whenever & however. Not entirely sure. May need to test this theory over and over and over, then get back to you.

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  16. wtf, I commented earlier and it's totally not here...damn technology....ok, anyways I wanted to mention that I recently read my first fic that included sock awareness The Boy In the Red Sweater has multiple sock references, but only cause Edward has deformed feet. So, out of like 120 fics the first sock reference I come across has nothing to do with smexiness.
    Oh, and welcome aboard TK :) This post made me laugh so hard I woke up the hubs..no mean feat!

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  17. Oh Thank Goodness someone's finally come out & said it...I laughed my entire way through this post ( & I mostly read J/B ff, pretty much the same cliches apply there).
    And if Bella's tiny hands needed mentioning so does the oft-repeated, 'he/she licked his/her lower lip demanding entrance'. In all the thousands of hours of sucking face I have done in my lifetime this has never yet occurred...

    Could it be that in Twilight ff all has now been said?

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  18. I love this and I totally agree. :D

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  19. So true. I was always baffled by the cum on demand thing...(my mind has wandered there and wondered...what if he told me to cum now? I'd be so screwed...)
    And when I read about socks, my mood goes down a notch. So the lack of sock reference is ok with me.
    Great post TK!

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  20. Let me tell you about the socks...he "toes off" his socks. What? I'm sorry, nobody in my house can toe off socks. Underwear? I can probably toe of my dh's underwear in a pinch but not socks.

    As for the rest of what you say, I'm with you. I read tons and tons of fic and sometimes I just have to stop reading things if Bella comes a million times before Edward even makes in the cave. It's so unrealistic that it borders on ridiculous. Not even porn stars get off that much (not that I would know from experience or anything...just speculating).

    Anyway, we are of like minds and I'm glad you posted this. Makes me feel less crabby to know others are exasperated as well!

    L

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  21. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! TK You have me crying laughing choking spitting gagging!!!! Also I fear that if young, inexperienced girls are dosing themselves on ff that their expectations of themselves in the sack, along with that of their would-be Edwards, might lead to woefully unfulfilled sex lives! Cum on command?! Sparkly, sweet spunk?! There's a reason it's called fiction. Actually, fairy tale might be more appropos. Throw in a vagina like the Columbia river, though, and you've got a medical condition. (And seriously, how much friction can anyone get with vjj like that).

    My wv = boote!!!!

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  22. I just spit coffee all over my MacBook, and had to make up a quick lie when precious 3yo asked what was so funny. (Thanks, Weinermobile)
    Okay, I am one of the apparently few FF hold outs. It's not that I'm not curios, I just don't have any more time to be sucked by this neverending cycle of Twidiocy. I've bitched-off about this before, so I'll leave it at that.
    Now....let's just say that one had a business trip coming up where one would be alone for an unprecedented amount of evening time....How would one know where to begin? Is straight to MoTu like skipping reefer and going right to The Pony?

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  23. Whew. I was a little concerned I was going to alienate the entire Twitard fandom with this post. I already had my bloggy box packed & was waiting for the HR pink slip.

    Writing a lemon is HARD (pun intended). I would rather set myself on fire than write one. There are only so many ways to describe banging the beaver den, but the cliches are, well, cliche. I wish my phone knew how to do that acute accent thingy over the e. :-/ I had a whole eloquent diatribe hand-written about how hard it is to write smexy scenes, but my ADD kicked in & I forgot to insert it in the post. Whatever.

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  24. @tankergirl--Start with one-shots. They are much less time consuming. 10-20 minutes for most. I can rec some when you're ready. Just let me know. I'm your neighborhood fic dealer.

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  25. OMFG you are so right TK!!! And you've expressed your (and our) annoyances so brilliantly! Pinhead, rainforest vag; cumming on command... Does that actually ever happen irl? Edward needs to work a little harder for it!!

    I'm pretty sure that IS peer pressure (but smuttier). But it's also harmless.... except to your sex drive!!!

    LMFAO@ "Whether you swallow or not, it tastes like melted ass fermenting in the hot sun."

    Can't. Stop. Laughing. My kids and mother keep asking why.... Srsly, if I'm going to be outed for reading twi-smut online, I at least want to be reading the motherfucker of all lemons when it happens!

    LOVE your first post as an official member of Twitarded! Cheers to you TK!!

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  26. I've typed and deleted 2 comments. One of them was really mean and I cussed you out for ruining my fantasy that Edward's spunk tastes like cookies and puppy breath. The other one was me telling you how sopping wet my core is after reading your fuckawesome post. Let's meet somewhere in the middle, shall we? FTR, I'm not sure where the middle would be, but I imagine there's rainbows and unicorns. And I'm not wearing socks. *waggles eyebrows*

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  27. OMG, yes! I love, love, LOVE fanfic, but certain recurring phrases and ideas make me grit my teeth. There was one fanfic -- the name escapes me now because I never finished it, tbh -- where there was a repeated reference to Edward's semen tasting like Skittles. I just couldn't get past it. Maybe it was supposed to be a joke, I don't know, but whenever anyone describes Edward's jizz as tasting anything other than "quick!-QUICK!!-swallow-before-it-can-register!!", I'm, shall we say, skeptical. Has the writer ever even *done* it? Because, if you think that shit tastes GOOD...yeah...I'm thinkin'...no.

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  28. OMFG I just laughed so damn hard reading that I think I peed my pants...and I'm in the middle of a Starbucks. Shite. I love you - hard.

    So, while we were in San Diego pretending to be lovahs, @laxplays and I completely MADE A LIST of all the fanfic cliches that made us giggle (because what else would we do while on a vacation that someone else was picking up the tab for)....all of yours were on our list and I would bet you thought of all our others as well. The coming on command is like my BIGGEST ff pet peeve - as if I could control that shit - it happens when it happens and I'm just thankful and praising JesusBear...and Bella is always "on the precipice"....someone needs to just push her ass off the cliff. Have you ever noticed that no one ever has to sleep in the wet spot? Does her body always magically absorb his jizz? *sigh*

    I think I want to live in fanfic world. Or at least have sex in it.

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  29. TK--What you say about how unrealistic and ridiculous it all is--that is 100% true. Maybe this is the next step for fanfic, to get real and see if we can like it?

    For me, though, and the lemony thrills aside: MoTU, Osa Bella and the few others I have read (including starting Going Down) have been above all an exciting reminder that all/most women want pretty much the same things, and that those things are pretty damn simple: a man who can make you wet; can make you come; and can make you come while he's inside you. So simple, and yet.......

    That this is almost impossible, most of the time. Well, that's why we read the fanfic, isn't it? In part? To fantasize.

    But I think you are onto a cool challenge. Let's see who can make reality a turn-on too. With all the talent out there, it may be a new frontier that is reachable?

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  30. Seriously, how was I supposed to explain to my six-year old why mama was losing her shit laughing so hard? The only thing I could come up with is that SpongeBob had brought his A Game today. BTW, I think only SpongeBob has a tighter vagina than Bella.

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  31. Oh but don't forget Bella's blushing every 5 seconds, Edward being a doctor, and his huge monster cock. Oh and Bella biting her lip. I'm surprised she has any lip left at this rate. Oh, fan fiction... lol.

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  32. In the immortal words of the Partridge family, I think I love you! Agreement with your well-made points notwithstanding, I'm glad the Wallbanger story addresses the elusive O;)

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  33. I read a story last night [Episode] where Bella removed Edward's socks. Of course, she was putting his drunk ass to bed and she didn't remove his belt or jeans, so who cares?

    And there is reference to a wet spot in Last Tango in Forks. And there is BUTTER too! Mmmmmm.

    SwedenSara and friends are writing a story called Smutiversity where FF writers go to learn how to do lemons the right way. [Of course the professor's name is Edward!] The story includes some really great lemons and some really awful ones too! Maybe this course should be required for all FF authors!

    You forgot to mention that Bella's tight leaky poon tastes like peaches!

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  34. LMFAO!! I was just reading my newest find the other day and thought so many of the same things, I can't get over it. She cums EVERY time, and from any position. How does she do it??? I need to know the secret.

    Also, I puffy heart this: "Even if Edward is not in the story, his tongue still wins."

    On the tin y hands cliche that's been mentioned, I always get a mental flash of that Kristin Wiig character from SNL, with the doll hands and the huge forehead. Hands can be too tiny.

    Love this post!! Now back to my ff...

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  35. omfg! you forgot my two faves! you mentioned ass fermenting in the hot sun - why is it in almost every fic, edward or jasper (and frequently both) smell/taste like CINNAMON and fucking VANILLA??? what in the ever loving fuckity fuck? CIINNAMON AND VANILLA? try ASS AND TIC TACS, BITCHES! cuz ass - well that shoudl explain itself, and tictacs, well, to accommodate all teh minty freshness also found in teh fandom.

    and the other fave? MONSTER COCKS. really people? every fic has E (or J) sportin at least a 10-er. if E's freakish monster cock met B's micro vadge IRL (no matter how drippy her nether regions), i stg someones gonna land in the hospital for reconstructive surgery, or jail for malicious maiming (or both).

    i wanna see a fic where E has a 4" peen and bella feels pity for him but falls in love anyway, and teaches him how to rock his pathetic skinny oddly curved with an ugly circ scar 4" dick. oh, and bella has to have very dark and chewed-gum looking 'lips'.

    that would be my dream fic.

    and i love you TK. this you already knew. xox

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  36. @Jude - "whenever anyone describes Edward's jizz as tasting anything other than "quick!-QUICK!!-swallow-before-it-can-register!!'" - LMFAO!! and totally true - SKITTLES?! REALLY?! ok i never read that one...

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  37. If I have to hear one more time about Bella's molten chocolate brown eyes I'm going to scream!!! Who the fuck cares about Bella just talk about Edward :) The other things that every FF has is...holding a breath I didn't realize I was holding. Find a new line already! Great post TK, You Rock!!!!!!

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  38. So true, TK, so true. And it brings to mind a question I have, not just about cum on command thing, but the cum when he's inside thing. I read somewhere that that only works for about 30% of the female population. I, for one, would like to see more att'n in ff on other methods (going down?). And I have a question - am I a freak of nature or are there others out there for whom orgasm-by-banging just doesn't happen?

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  39. Love this! You're so right about the cliches. Is there an Edward out there with just an average sized peen? I guess that wouldn't make as good a visual for us, but really, where do those 8, 10 or 12 inches (!) go, especially if Bella is so small and tight?

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  40. What, you guys can't come on command?

    Tsk, tsk, tsk.

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  41. @Myg--Does it count if I have a 24/7 orgasm? Pfiser makes Viagra from my blood.

    Re: monster cocks. I started to go (down on) that road, but I felt it was such a BIG issue it deserved a post to itself.

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  42. personally i practice the "quick!-QUICK!!-swallow-before-it-can-register!! and for the love of god don't breathe through your nose!!!" method.

    aside from what you guys have already mentioned, another pet peeve for me is sexy times riddled with long-winded conversations about how much they love each other. im thinking if you can still carry out a conversation while sexin' someone up then it can't be that good.

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  43. I love FF and next on my list is now TK!! The more lemons, the better hee hee...

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  44. All valid points. My biggest cliche pet peave isn't lemon related. I have thrown my phone in disgust several times when I read something like "I let out the breath that I didn't realize I was holding.". GAH! It drives me bonkers!!! Some of my fave authors have used it and it certainly isn't unique to fanfiction. I'd read about cupcakey spunk all day if I never again had to read that line.

    Please tell me you've read Edward Wallbanger. The newest chapter is such a sweet fucking breath of fresh air!!! It defies the cliches and keeps it real. Or as real as we can handle!

    Welcome TK!

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  45. In reply to spottysmom, and IMHO only:
    The coming inside is partly a matter of the guy knowing/learning what's he's doing for optimal contact. But ultimately it comes down to anatomy and if you don't fit at just the right angles in just the right place, it may never happen that particular way. I'm guessing almost everybody has been tempted just to give up on that.

    HOWEVER, for all the hilarious jokes here about what TK started and others added, it all boils down to crappy writing in some fanfics (some of the things we laugh about here happily occur in well-written ffs and it seems more than fine!) However, isn't there some merit to the he-can-make-it-happen-on-command-thing? Not that this is standard.
    But theoretically, at least once you trusted him and knew he could deliver, wouldn't it get rid of the anxiety barrier and then become Pavlovian? Apart from all the other variables, it's losing hope and trust that it could happen, or never finding such trust, that damns many a relationship to less than fantasy sex? (Even if other things are wonderful.) Not I really must stf up.

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  46. Personally - my unfavorite cliches include Bella's hair always smelling like strawberries and
    Edward always says "you're MINE".
    Also, how come Edward can always get his cock in Bella first time from any position with no "oops too low that time" or "lift your ass up so I can reach".

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  47. Oh, TK, you have read my mind. I have read enough fics by now that I have started to think there's something wrong with ME....a la..."why doesn't MY hooha drip like that?", "why don't I want to lick clean my Mr. Junkie's fingers after they've been down south?", "why can't I cum on command", and more importantly..."why don't I want to have sex 19 time per day"?
    Good to know it's not me...whew.
    Other annoying things...
    -Bella's hooha's smell is the most amazing thing EVAH...really?
    -Emmett is always stupid
    -Alice always 'flits' around
    I could go on & on......GREAT post!

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  48. Can't. Stop. Laughing.
    I have never commmented before, but this post...TK, you represent Texas well(coming from a dallas girl!)!

    Okay, I have to ask because I have admittingly very little sexual experience, but seriously...
    Do most women NOT have an orgasm during an encounter?? Cuz, I have been thinking maybe there is something wrong with me...TMI, I know, but I can come just fine on my own, but not with my partner....

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  49. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  50. Wow! Now we're sharing orgasm tips. I freekin' LOVE THIS BLOG!!!
    @spottysmom A pack of work dudes once asked me to weigh in on whether it was length or girth that truly matters to the ladies. You should've seen their faces, when I said,"Neither, boys. It's all about curve."
    So true. So true.
    Hmmm, maybe I should have married the One with that curve. Holy moley.

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  51. One of the funniest reactions to Edward's monster cock is in 'Bad News Bella' by 107yearoldvirgin' (chap 5 if you don't want to read the whole story - which you def should 'cause it's hilarious and awesome). I L'd my FAO because Bella's reaction was similar to mine when I encountered my first and only monster cock (seriously, that thing was fuckin' HUGE!) at the tender age of 18. After him my vag called a moratorium on all giant cocks.

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  52. Well, Anonymous, I've talked to quite a few women, and having been one myself for *mumble, mumble* years, I can say that many women do not have orgasms during intercourse, unless something's done to speed things along down there manually, so to speak. In my experience, too many guys don't know this, and so they expect you to get yours with very little actual effort on their part. And some will even guilt your ass for not getting off on the sheer wonder of their manliness. These males are called "dicks." Yes, just like their parts!

    The bottom line is...there's a reason that restaurant scene in "When Harry Met Sally" is so universally funny to women. And guys, when they watch it, are all, "Ummmm...that's not TRUE, right??"

    Heh.

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  53. OMG, that is the funniest shit I've read in a long time, especially because it's all true... LMAO!!!

    and I am totally with you on being, um, "cummanding", if you will... I don't do that or anything on command and never will... keep strokin' and it'll happen... but I need to find a man that can just say "cum" and it happens...

    I doubt even a magician could manage THAT one, LMAO...

    Speaking of magic wands, ahem... :D

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  54. I absofuckinlutely love this post!! It brings me a moment of warped sanity to know that there other strange bitches out there who think like I do!!

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  55. Hmm...okay, more TMI...I know alot of women can't come through intercourse, but I was wondering if it is normal that a woman doesn't reach orgasm even with manual stimulation with a partner, but CAN reach orgasm alone.

    Barring any real relationship issues of course, but truthfully, I have been with one guy for a long time and it just doesn't ever happen with him- through intercourse or with his hands or mouth. But I can give myself an orgasm and I am trying to figure out if that is typical and if not, is it MY issue or his?

    Now off to drown my humiliation in some ice cream....

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  56. Just once I want to hear Edward say... Fuck, Bella, you're pussy is so dry. Hand me the fucking lube.

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  57. You need to write a fan fic and leave all of this out and see what we think of it. Some new words would be refreshing.

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  58. lmao, the comments here are making this epic post soo much better...file under best of...
    There was one scene in GYNAZOLE where Edward accidentally puts it in her butt, and now I am forever in love with Mrstheking for writing that. A FF pet peeve of mine is ~we fit together like puzzle pieces,it was the first time and it felt like home~...especially ones where they're both still virgins.Just once it would be nice for them to have no fraking idea what to do and have Edward ask am I in yet?

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  59. OH my FUCKING GAWD this was hilarious!! I'm cracking up!!! If we're airing grievances about Fan Fic writing I have a few I could add to your list TK!!!

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  60. @ PC "Just once it would be nice for them to have no fraking idea what to do and have Edward ask am I in yet?" LMAO!!!!!

    Somehow I doubt these pet peeves are going to stop us from reading more fan fic :)

    I also have to say I am happy to hear that the O's in the fan fictions are just that, fiction. I was getting a little worried the more I read that I was missing out on something LOL!! It appears I am just normal - phew LOL!

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  61. just posting to get the follow up comments - blogger is being weird

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  62. Hilarious!

    As long as we're makng the list... Can we please add: the near constant shower and wall sex?

    If you have EVER had shower sex that didn't feel like a slippery, somewhat-awkward mess then please enlighten me. Fic makes it sound like it's the easiest thing in the world to accomplish. ALMOST as easy as being hoisted up against a wall for a mindblowing O -- which I also struggle to see happening without at least some type of embarrasing awkwardness in RL...

    Perhaps we should start brainstorming new locales for E/B to get it on... cause the shower tiles and walls have been WORKED. =)

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  63. Sh*t. I just went back and read all the comments and think I love this blog even more now.

    Sponge Bob's vag might have actually messed with my head. Now my 5 yr olds are gonna be asking what I'm laughing at tomorrow morning.

    To the comment about the recipes to make jizz taste like candy. Please send that sh*t to my husband right away. Whatever you send is what he's eating from now on - cause apparently he's eating ALL the wrong things. The Brie wrapper...lmfao.

    Ahh... and of course I started Last Tango in Forks this morning - so now I'm back to find that wet spot. Last I left off they were about to have some wall sex. Lol.

    -ps... @tankergirl. IMO, do NOT 'pop your FF cherry' with MoTU. Seriously. You can't start out with the most mindblowing there is... it might fry your brain and ruin all other FF for you... you gotta build up to that...

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  64. Holy Shit, TK! Speaking of sopping cores, I think I now have one because I have laughed til I peed a little. Fucking hilarious! Have to agree with ya...I mean how tight and wet can one girl be?!?

    So glad you have joined forces with the Twitarded h00rs! Welcome! This first offical post of yours was top notch and cannot wait for more!

    Finally, I LOVE Going Down! Trucker Alice is my hero! :)

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  65. How do we know God is not a woman? Coz if God was, a woman cum would taste like chocolate!

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  66. Spot on, TK, spot on! And welcome, I bow before you and your funny-ness. Seriously, I snorted and nearly choked since everyone here is asleep and if they wake up I might have to kill them. ;)

    My FF peeve is why, on top of the fact that she gets to bone Edward Cullen, does Bella also get to be multi-orgasmic so damn often? It's not enough that she comes every time Edward breathes on her, or she senses his electric presence, or she smells his beguiling fragrance, she also gets to come again and again. And how is it that Edward needs no recovery time, but gets a fresh stiffy instantly and is always ready for another go? WTF?

    I guess fantasy has its advantages, since with all the smexing I've done in my lifetime this has never been my experience. However, I've yet to bag Rob, so who knows? Anything's possible.

    Carry on, TK, carry on.

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  67. TK, you are hilarious! I was in such a funk from my fave team losing tonight (The Cocks of course!) and now I am alll cheered up. I am not a FF gal - don't stone me, please! I read a little of one or two and just couldn't get into it which is weird cause I like to read smut. I don't know if I'm just too into cannon Edward or if I couldn't get past the O's on demand and the swamp of sunshine that is Bella's kitty.

    That being said, I'm all in if someone can tell me the recipe for jizz that tastes like banana pudding or anything better than sweatsocks soaked in vinegar. I've always been proud to be a swallower, cause I don't know how the hell anyone can hold it in their mouth long enough to spit it out!

    Keep up the great blogging, TK. Can't wait to read more from you!

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  68. Thank you TK! I am so glad to see that I am not the only one who is aggravated by these things!!

    Off subject, kind of, does anyone have UoEM saved? I had it on my list to read and last week when I finally got ready to read it, I see that it had been taken down about a month ago.

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  69. One phrase I can't handle is "you/she/he never ceases to amaze me" AAHHHH How many times can this sentence be written in fanfic. Also, Edwards peen is always gigantic. I recently read a ff where Bella couldn't wrap BOTH hands around it! BOTH....That's just wrong!

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  70. Umm, yea, why is University of Edward Masen now not available? On FF and Twilighted there's only chappies 1, 2 and epilogue. I have some of it downloaded, but not the last 10+ chapters. Anyone have it?

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  71. Welcome Texas Katherine, your writing adds a giggle to my day. And stories like "Going Down?" add to a sweet daydream. If there were more good TwiPorn writers, just think what a happier world this would be!

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  72. Probably my least favorite moment in BD is when Bella reports they "fit together perfectly" - no pain, no blood, no nothin'. What an impression to leave with a bunch of teen girls.
    I guess the point of the ff, though, it that it IS fantasy (cumming early and often), along with living forever with the likes of EC AND perfect hair. Sigh.
    Anonymous - thanks for sharing insecurities. Growing up in the seventies (that unique period where there was the Pill and no incurable STDs) I tried out a few different guys over the years. Always managed to find a way to the O, best when they were into oral. One guy introduced me to K-Y Jelly, though, which is awesome for manual. So is wrapping your mind firmly around a great fantasy - say, your favorite ff scene. But I would also say the bottom line is everyone -- and everyone's relationship -- is unique, so if it's working for you with your guy don't sweat it.

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  73. @TK Love this "..holdouts who seem to have Edward-like willpower about your fic virginity, I'll just say that it only hurts for a minute. [Insert creepy voice] Join us. You know you want to. All your friends are doing it." Your awesome, nuff said.

    @franki - you skip over the lemons to get back to the plot?! WTF!!! The plot is always the same, they meet, they do it (hopefully a lot), they fall in love too fast, they break up/seperate, they makeup, they live happily ever after, the end. If your looking for an original and amazing plot, your lookin in the wrong place. Great FF is all about the lemons, good juicy lemons!

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  74. Too funny! I love love love Going Down-- shouldn't you be writing, btw?
    Yeah, I always love the absence of sperm dripping down the thigh when they do it in a public place. Oh, and Bella's not wearing panties. I tried that back in college and it was more like, "Who the fuck doesn't keep Kleenex in his glove compartment? Jee-zus!"
    Again, I agree that the "Bella, you are MINE" shit gets really old. Alright, Edward. You're kind of an animal, you're feral, you stake your territory-- we get it, okay?
    Thanks for the laughs!
    xoxo

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  75. @shipstress The comments to this post have been as good as the post [fucking awesome & hilarious!] but your comment takes the cake.

    'I tried that back in college and it was more like, "Who the fuck doesn't keep Kleenex in his glove compartment? Jee-zus!" '

    That was the one that pushed me over the edge and made me piss myself!

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  76. Sadly @Twi-Hearted & @Vermonstermom4Edward UoEM has been taken down coz it was being plagerised. (?spelling sorry)& I have no idea where to find it. Same thing happened to me with CW&IA. I was half way through it & it disapeared, luckily she posted it on her blog. Any one have any idea where I can find Wide Awake?

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  77. @Stacked
    Wide Awake: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4627414/1/


    TK - God, I love you! You are spot on and frickin' hilarious!

    I think I found socks being removed in "Safe Haven from Snowqueens Icedragon http://50shades.com/?p=441, but then I again, I suffer from CRS (can't remember shit). Oh, and there's the usual: Bella's tight, wet, cums on demand, shows her cum face, tastes sweet, etc, but I'm enjoying this fic nonetheless 'cause Snowqueen is one of the queens of fanfic, imo.

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  78. @Stacked Like Sookie - Wide Awake link http://angstgoddess003.livejournal.com/

    or you can download the Uncensored PDF (that's what I did) or read it via fanfiction.net at

    http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1713572/AngstGoddess003

    Hope this helps :)

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  79. LMAO, LOVE this post, TK! Seriously, my cheeks hurt from smiling/laughing. ;)

    @Subtle Pen, "i wanna see a fic where E has a 4" peen and bella feels pity for him but falls in love anyway, and teaches him how to rock his pathetic skinny oddly curved with an ugly circ scar 4" dick. oh, and bella has to have very dark and chewed-gum looking 'lips'."

    I seriously died. DIED!!! LMFAO!

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  80. oops!!! forgot in my rush to give @SLS the links to WA to congratulate TK on an fabo post and it's all so fkn true.

    I'm over reading about how fkn tight she is. I was beginning to wonder if mine was the size of the Grand Canyon. Wait till she squeezes out four bubs - it aint gonna be so tight then! Anyway, the tight cooter thing has me a little green with envy, so much that I've resorted to checking out vaginal tighteners on the net. Hmmm may give it a go! tmi?

    And on spunk - yuk! If only it tasted like Lindt chocolate.

    PS: I cum when I fkn want to! js

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  81. LMFAO TK!!! That's quite possibly one of the funniest posts I've ever read. I agree with you and I can't stop laughing at Bella's sopping wet vagina.

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  82. Hilarious and very truthful post!!! So when are you updating "Going Down"?

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  83. @Bumpkin I'm with you on Bella's hair smelling like strawberries! Don't only 12 year old girls smell like fruits?? Reminds me of when I was..uh.. 12.. and used that suave coconut shampoo. Ooo, exotic! LMAO! We totally get that Bella's NOT a girly girl but couldn't she at least use Pantene?? LOL

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  84. I have to say this post is on my top 10!

    I can't believe no one's commented on Bella's "CORE"! Do you know that the "core" is the abs and back of a person? I'm an aerobics instructor. I now laugh internally and (I'm sure) blush EXTERNALLY when I tell people to tighten their core!!!
    Oh, and love the "sweet spunk" comments. What else??? I'm glad to hear that ppl get pissed about Bella being tiny. I love the Plus-sized Bella stories, and for some reason, can't remember the names of them 'cuz I read too much FANFIC!

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  85. I loved this post, it made me laugh out loud. I totally agree with all the cliches you mentioned, they annoy the crap out of me.

    I try to just focus on the things I love to hear. The mention of his crooked smile, puts a smile on my own face everytime. I never tire of hearing about his messy hair and beautiful eyes. My heart races when his long fingers are mentioned and I imagine all the things they could do to me.

    Those are the reasons I keep reading and reading ff like a crack addict!!

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  86. Thank the lord you're posting now because you just don't update Going Down? enough... I need some major laughing every once in a while.

    I was sitting here at home on my computer on the other side of the room from my hubby. He can't see me as I'm sitting a little behind him. I start reading your post and when I start laughing I try to hold it in as I'm laughing at something highly "inappropriate" and he's trying to watch the game. I thought I was doing a pretty good job until he says "Lila?" to which I answer "yes" but I'm laughing out loud and I can't keep it out of my voice and he says "oh, that's you I thought the cats were throwing up".

    Yes, you make me laugh so hard it sounds like the cats are throwing up.

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  87. i dont know about cavernous but i DO have one where he calls her vag a muff cave, and somewhere he could just crawl into and camp out in. it was super funny. she also.."vagazzled" her vag when she got it wacked so it would say W or M depending on how u looked at it. M for Masen and W for Wang. LOL heres the Link! http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6156941/1/Bad_News_Bella

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  88. waxed. i'm sorry i could not let that one go. i ended up coming right back to the blog and going through all these comments just to correct that.

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  89. I'll post a comment....after I stop laughing my fucking ass off! This post was brilliant!

    @Lila - your comment literally made me cry I laughed so hard!

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  90. TK, how I love you so. Laughing my arse off.

    So, I haven't read the eleventy billion other comments to know if this has been raised already, but my pet hate is anything to do with Edward's fingers drawing circles. Everywhere on her body. He fucking circles like it's going out of fashion.

    Find something new to do with his hands, for fuck's sake!

    w/v: chlym. Ewww.

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  91. Am I the only unromantic whoer here can't stand the constant "I love you"s during B/E sex? Especially when coming? I'm nearly incoherent, (Cuase like all Bella's but Wallbanger Bella, I come every single time!) and I'm certainly not declaring love in full sentences.

    Also - Bella not masturbating? Really? Even/especially high school Bella.

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  92. I was thinking about this and then it hit me... when I first started "doing the deed" with what I now call my husband, he had been a vegetarian (okay, he only refrained from eating things that walked, but still ate dairy) for 10+ years. We shared this pecurliar habit, but he frequently snacked on celery (which to be honest I can't stand).

    One time I mentioned that his jizz actually tasted rather pleasant. He finally admitted that the entire vegetarian/celery eating was all because it made everything smell and taste better.

    After our second child we got lazy and lost our vegetarian ways. His jizz definitely lost it's sweet flavor.

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  93. Ooo, I loved Wide Awake. Also Safe Haven - fabulous early Icy. You know, The List has Edward as less than competent in the sack - he's all uncertain and clueless at the beginning until Emmett and Carlisle help him wise up. It's also a nice ff to start with since it's a slow build.

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  94. I am so sick of reading about how fantastic Edward flavored cum is.

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  95. I'm late because I think perhaps I've found a 'balance' and don't come here every single day anymore. Coincidently, don't cum everyday either but that's not the point.

    I seriously think there's a thesis that some ambitious student could do just based on data gathered from Twi FF. I find it fascinating that female Twi FF writers--who are creating smut for other women to enjoy--tend to create female leads that are tight, superwet, hairless, multi-orgasmic screamers (i.e. the same as how women are portrayed in male-generated smut). The big difference I think is that Bella is usually smart and witty, and tends to like Edwards that are damaged (until he's 'fixed' by Bella). We are a project-loving gender, us double Xs.

    I totally get it, I don't want to have a pimply-assed, pudgy Bella queefing her way through my lemons, either. And I want to imagine being so influential as to be able to cure a broken boy, but I still find it interesting that this is the imagery propagated by women as well as men.

    And enough of this seriousness, now I will resume my laughter.

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  96. Oh, @anonymous, I did have some thoughts for you too. Yes, as mentioned by someone before, if it's working for you then don't sweat whether you're normal or not. But my hunch is that since you brought it up it may not be working for you, or him, or both.

    I think the brain is way too powerful in sex and if you're anticipating that you aren't gonna orgasm then you're scaring that elusive critter away even more.

    I'd suggest having him watch you get yourself off, and try taking over your motions, or doing a your hand/his hand together thing. Also, if a vibrator always works for you then I'd have him work the vibe around the clit area while fucking you. You've just got to break through that barrier and come while you're getting it on. Once that 'finish' line is crossed just once it should relieve some of the mental concern/fear that's probably built up in both of you. Hopefully, neither one of you ascribes to the belief that it's got to be him doing all the work to try to make you burst during sex. If it works with your hand, or a toy, then go for it. The book "I heart female orgasm" is informative and non-clinical and might have some pointers for you too.

    I'm not a doctor, don't play one on TV, but I have a coo with apparently a few million nerve endings fewer than the average coo, and have had to aggressively pursue orgasms. No shame in hunting the O during sex. Good luck capturing your prey.

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  97. OMFG. This post killed me. The comments were amazing too!!! You all are a funny group of ladies.

    I agree with everything said, yet I'm the biggest fic whore in the world. Bring it on, cliches and all!! There's nothing better than Bella's strawberry hair and Edward's manly smell.

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  98. Oh shit. You can download Fan Fic PDFs???
    I did NOT need to know this. I guess The Resistance is over. If you see me humping my iPad, you'll know why.

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  99. These are things I've often wondered about myself. I usually want to say, "Heard about a PLOT anyone? Can't they do anything besides fuck, having just fucked, or about to fuck?" The wet cooter stuff is just gross. Gross in real life, gross in fiction. And I ain't swallowing - not now, not ever.

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  100. TK, lovely to meet you. I see you've been writing on this blog for a week or so...? I've been b to the w at work, so I haven't been able to lurk as much as I like. Anyway, I like your style!

    As for smut fic - I see your point. I have to say that if I'm going to read porn, I want my chicks tight, and my men sock-free (on ALL parts), but the oral spelunking, the monster cocks, synonyms for "green" (always burning, smoldering, what have you) - that all gets skippable after a while.

    Anyway, this is your blog, not mine, so I'll wrap up. Love your writing! Can't wait to see you around here more.

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  101. OMG.. the post.. the comments.. ALL HILLARIOUS!!..

    One thing i cant stand is that Bella ALWAYS has her eyes open staring into his sole/eyes right at the moment of O.. SERIOUSLY.. I tried that shit just "during" the ugly bumping and I freaked the Fuck out of my husband.. "Why are you staring at me, are you trying to keep your eyes open??" to which I burst into a fit of giggles and well totally ruined the moment.. So needless to say.. my eyes stay squeezed shut and wont open again.. lol..

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  102. I am also impressed at the speed of said cumming. I have read about bella seeing fireworks after a bit of nip-manip, and for Rob's sakes, how is it he only has to touch the little man in the canoe once with his thumb and she is 'coming apart'. I think he should have to work a little harder than that...or am I just doing it wrong?

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  103. There are no words.

    @Shipmistress - I always love the absence of sperm dripping down the thigh when they do it in a public place. - LMFAO! I know! My least favorite part of sex.

    Admittedly, the only ff I've read is MOTU. But give me a break, I discovered Twilight in September (of 2010). I'd say I'm addicted to MOTU since I'm currently reading it for the 4th or 5th time. I love me some fucked up Fifty!

    But my pet peeve so far --- synchronized orgasms. Give me a fucking break! (I totally had to spellcheck orgasm. Does that mean I'm not having enough of them?)

    Would also love some ff recs. I've got those listed here on the blog and these comments.

    Great post, TK! and Great comments, hOOrs!

    To top it off, my word verification is "tucksus".

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  104. @BasketCaseMom - The Family Business by Suzspetals is a must read. It is almost complete and it is amazing!! http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5722140/1/The_Family_Business

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  105. @basketcase mom: Our own Osa Bella by Myg is the best it gets, in terms of fan fiction. I want to run away to Maui with that Edward. Like today. And on twilighted.net you cans earch under "Top 10 Stories"-- they're all great. I persoanlly love "Breathe Again" by Ysar (warning: it's not totally finished and you may end up loving Jacob) and The Bella and Edward Sex Anthology-- totally awesome lemons! Last but not least on fanfiction.net is our own Texas Katherine's "Going Down". She just started it but it's freakin hysterical. (If you are reading this, TK, please kindly get back to work writig the next chapter!)

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  106. Oh- and PS- I almost forgot since I'm not caught up: Twitarded's Jenny Jerface's "15 Step"-- must. read. now.

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  107. TK - I'd just like to say that I left my socks on last night while I did the deed with ML and nothing was said.

    I feel like I've proven a point or something. Just not sure exactly what it is.

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  108. Sigh- thanks for the advice. I tried what you said- showing him what works, moving our hands together. He kept trying to take over but when he would, he would do something different and it would NOT feel good. I kept trying to redirect him and finally he got frustrated, then I got frustraed, then he got mad and accused me of faking it for a long time and then I told him if I DO fake it it is because he clearly can't handle me telling him what I like and what I don't like.

    Epic fail. Separate sleeping quarters. ) : ) : ) :

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  109. @JJ- So funny! My hat is off to your scientific approach and the empirical evidence produced by your experiment.

    @anonymous- Yeah, that's not good. Sounds to me like it's both of your problem, at least to the extent that it sounds like a problem for both of you and trying to figure out if it's more his "issue" or yours is beside the point. I don't know where you live, but if I were in your shoes I'd see what resources are available for "sexual health" or "sexologist". If you got the bucks then a good doctor of sexology can help YOU work on sexual health regardless of whether he's willing to work on it with you. If you don't have the bucks, then there's bound to be online resources or other books that might have some helpful information. People are really adapatable and we can make a lot of compromises in our lives. But as a person just realizing that there are things I don't want myself or my dear husband to have to live without in this life, I encourage you to take a bold look at your day-to-day and make sure you aren't living without something essential. And I'm only talking a little bit about orgasms.

    Wait, wasn't this a Twilight blog at some point? How 'bout if I add something like: SQUUEEEE, RPattz makes me gooey. OK, I feel better now, back on track.

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  110. Holy shit...There's a ton of comments on this post, TK! I must say...I totally and completely agree with everything up in herr, but fuck it. People are still gonna write about Bella's hot wet slit, and Edward's perfect cock. No one is gonna write about getting down and dirty while Bella isn't quite wet, but he throws his hotdog into her hallway until it starts raining anyway. Cuz that's not "true love." "True Love" is walking into the same room, and being a sopping wet whore the instant his fingers hit your slit.

    Oh, and even though I'm about a million years late on this, and you probably won't read this, I always think of THIS when I read a fic that makes me wonder where the socks went. It totally makes me laugh my ass off, and it's TOTALLY TRUE.

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  111. TK...thanks for the laugh! I suppose that's why it's called fan FICTION? haha! I also love how Edward and Bella can always cum three or four times in one night! I want some of that!

    I see a lot of people here are saying they're fans of MoTU. I used to also be a huge fan of Fifty but after someone suggested I read the trilogy of The Submissive, The Dominant, and The Training by Tara Sue Me...definitely not a fan anymore.

    The Submissive & The Dominant were both written MONTHS before MoTU and I was rather surprised at the number of similarities in the stories. It's just ruined MoTU for me now.

    Love ya, TK! Can't wait for your next post!

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  112. We're of the same mind. Perhaps you've seen my rambling psychotic profile? When I started it, the profile was rather contained. Then it wound up being my dumping ground every time I read about a dripping core or Bella and her neverending O's during her first time.

    http://www.fanfiction.net/~irritablegrizzzly

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  113. Oh- and PS- I almost forgot since I'm not caught up: Twitarded's Jenny Jerface's "15 Step"-- must. read. now.

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  114. If I have to hear one more time about Bella's molten chocolate brown eyes I'm going to scream!!! Who the fuck cares about Bella just talk about Edward :) The other things that every FF has is...holding a breath I didn't realize I was holding. Find a new line already! Great post TK, You Rock!!!!!!

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  115. LMFAO!! I was just reading my newest find the other day and thought so many of the same things, I can't get over it. She cums EVERY time, and from any position. How does she do it??? I need to know the secret.

    Also, I puffy heart this: "Even if Edward is not in the story, his tongue still wins."

    On the tin y hands cliche that's been mentioned, I always get a mental flash of that Kristin Wiig character from SNL, with the doll hands and the huge forehead. Hands can be too tiny.

    Love this post!! Now back to my ff...

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  116. waxed. i'm sorry i could not let that one go. i ended up coming right back to the blog and going through all these comments just to correct that.

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  117. Seriously, how was I supposed to explain to my six-year old why mama was losing her shit laughing so hard? The only thing I could come up with is that SpongeBob had brought his A Game today. BTW, I think only SpongeBob has a tighter vagina than Bella.

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  118. I love this and I totally agree. :D

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  119. This was seriously the funniest thing I have ever read! LOL!

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  120. LMAO!! Great post, @TK! I emphatically agree on all counts.

    I never thought about the socks though. Since so many fanfics have Edward walking around in nothing but jeans (and occasionally a white button down shirt - squeee!) I guess I figured he simply never wears socks. That or he leaves them on. Just as Rob likes to run on a ginormous treadmill in black socks perhaps Edward likes to fuck in them. The kinky devil. Oh, and eeew.

    I'm on my kajillionth fanfic (which, let's face it, is the only real issue here) and I've rolled my eyes at the descriptions many a time. I've even skipped a few paragraphs now and then to get past the irritatingly and/or embarrassingly described lemons hoping desperately to get back to the plot. I know - shocking! PWP?!!?

    I've read more fanfic in the past several months than any one person should read in a lifetime and that's really the only reason why these things have started to bother me. But sweet zombie Jesus (yep - read that in a fanfic) I'm addicted and I don't care.

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  121. Oooh, I've got another...

    "I felt that familiar surge of electricity the moment I came into contact with his/her skin..."

    Really? So, Edward and Bella are like walking electrical outlets? ENERGY CRISIS SOLVED!

    Fluv the post!

    clpsuperstar

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  122. Phew....I'm not the only one who gets annoyed as fuck at having to hear about how Bella can cum on command and Ewards jizz tastes like Martha Stewarts cupcakes...for christ sake..get over it!

    MOTU owned me, and it's hard to move on from that....esp since I'm not a HUGE ff fan. I have yet to read yours, but have heard good things...we'll see.... ;)

    PS You fit right in...as we always knew you would.

    xo J

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