Thursday, October 21, 2010

Top 7 Reasons Why I'll Be a Spoiler Whore for Breaking Dawn

Yeah, I was too lazy to think of 10 reasons. What of it?

If you slack off at work all day and troll the blogosphere have seen any recent Twi news, you know our favorite cast is in THE STATE NEXT FREAKING DOOR TO ME gearing up for the filming of the Breaking Dawn movies. It's downright criminal that I'm still at home packing lunchboxes and earning a living.

For New Moon and Eclipse I was completely movie spoiler free.



This was my avi. Air fucking tight.

I watch almost no TV (LKW just died a little, but JJ is totally going to high five me) so it wasn't hard to avoid the commercials. I also wouldn't click any on links in Twitter. Even if the link promised to show me "the cutest puppy evahhhh," I wasn't touching it.

Had I broken my embargo to find this attached, someone would have died.

For these last two movies, I'm ripping off the chastity belt. Going commando. Releasing the beaver. Plating the pink taco.


My vagina was out sick on picture day.

I first heard about Twilight while watching the sneak peek on the Penelope DVD. I still can't explain it, but I had to see that movie. Right. Fucking. Now. While waiting not so patiently for the Twilight movie to be released lo those many years ago, I had never heard of fan fiction; Twitarded didn't exist. My life was like a moonless night. I greedily gobbled up any and all movie spoilers. YouTube was my bff. I watched all the clips I could find. The trailers for Twilight were so amazing I thought that movie was going to come into my house, cook me dinner, train my cat to use the toilet and fuck me six ways to Sunday. When the actual movie debuted and the final credits rolled, I thought, "OMG, that was... almost really cool." (That doesn't stop me from watching it at every possible opportunity to this day. Ours is a complex relationship.)

I felt my expectations were too high. Accordingly, I crazy glued my Twi hymen (twymen) back in and strapped on my iron mask panties.


Like this, but without the political undertones.

My expectations for Breaking Dawn could not be any lower, so I'm going full whore for these movies. Like LatchkeyWife level whore. Yeah, I ain't playing.

Here are my top 10 7 reasons for whoring it up. They are not in chronological order, even if it bugs the shit out of my CDO.

7. The (hopefully) improved "fight" scene — I read 4 entire books about what a bad-ass vampire Bella would make & she has a freaking shield? Are you kidding me? She can't even start fires with her mind? Lame.

6. Bella's wedding dress — If the wardrobes in the last 3 movies are any indication, I need to be prepared for this fashion train wreck.


Here comes the... Holy shit!

5. The engagement ring — I'm hoping the props department comes to their senses and slips in a prettier ring. Like a Ring Pop. Or brass knuckles.

I Googled "huge ugly ring" and this came up. Need I say more?

4. The birth scene — I'm already in preparatory counseling for watching Edward's oral c-section. Not to mention, Bella will still be the tightest bitch on the planet since she won't have a hybrid baby bust out of her vag like the Kool Aid man.

3. Renesmee — Jftr, this is how I picture her. I need some time to process this.

My mom can beat up your mom. Unless your mom has actual powers. Or a rolling pin.

2. Jake imprinting on Renesmee — That bears repeating. A. Wolf. Imprints. On. A. Baby. Reading it is one thing, seeing it is another. I need to ease into that one.

And the number 1 reason I want to see all things Breaking Dawn:

1. The fade-to-black honeymoon — I have an intrinsic human need to see that as many times as possible. It will crash YouTube. And it will be beautiful.

Like this. Minus the ugly clothes.

Tell us, how many of you will stay pure for the movies? Which of you will be spreading yourselves [ahem] thin searching for spoilers? Are any of you reformed whores? Er, spoiler whores, that is. Some things just can't be unshared.

52 comments:

  1. :) I will be searching for spoilers... maybe a trip to NOLA and Baton Rouge....I too am one state over and it's killing me!

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  2. I too am ditching the iron panties. This book is too much of a clusterfuck for me not to. Plus I'm a whore and I'm tired of holding onto my twymen.

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  3. Sh*t. I was going to type a pithy, well thoughtout comment - but then I got to the last gif and... cant. take. my. eyes. off. chest. hair.... hmmm... mind went blank. Be back later.

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  4. I am all about spoiling myself rotten for BD. There is nothing I won't watch or consume about this. I too don't watch that much TV, but I have friends who do and they will alert me to talk show appearances (as will my Twitarded sisters) and I will faithfully watch them all online. Hell, I even wished Ashley Greene a good morning today on Twitter, as she tweeted that they had an early casting call and she was up with the sunrise. Yup, I'm that king of whore. ;)

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  5. I am a spoiler h00r... I spoil everything. I spoiled Breaking Dawn the book for myself. I spoil tv shows, books, movies anything that can be spoiled will get into my hands. I might not be queen spoiler h00r but I'm probably second in line queen spoiler h00r. I'm wide open and ready for Breaking Dawn spoilers ;)

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  6. Kassie, you are the ultimate spoiler whore! You read the last chapter of MotU after only reading a few chapters! LOL I'm so glad you did though!

    Well, I'll be whorin' it up with you chicks. I've been a spoiler whore from day one. I don't care. Bring it on Bill Condon....bring it on!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ok TK-You kill me! This post had me ROLLING! Especially the picture of Renesmee...Hilarious!

    JFTR-I will be a Spoiler HOOR!!! Anything and everything I can get. It's my brand of heroin..*Snicker*

    WV "sedat" : Breaking Dawn spoilers? Yeah, I'm gonna sedat.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have zero strength. Anything Twi-related, I want it RTFN. No way I'll be resisting anything the Twiverse throws my way. Shoot, I remember the crazy overwhelming threaten-to-drown-me butterflies I had when I had just finished the first book and discovered the first movie trailers online. I practically bounced so high that I hit the ceiling. Poor Mr. XKR was then subjected to an hour-long "summary" and repeated exposure to said trailers. That's how excited I get about movie stuff. SQUEE THIRTEEN MORE MONTHS... oh, wait.

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  9. Total whore!

    The date is already in diary for our set stalking in BR.....yep, @AGirlintheSouth and I are going to represent again.....we are prepping our trench crawls cause they worked so well in Forks (!)

    X
    p.s. Hopefully our special guest can join us if she can remove herself from lunch box preparation.

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  10. Did you seriously stop at 7? hahaha Lazy bitch. ;-) I was trying to think of 3 other reasons but the lines between the books and fic has become really blurred. Edward doesn't tie Bella to the bed in the book, right?

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  11. Yeh um I'll definitely be spoiler-h00ring it up for the BD fuckery.

    TK, you're exactly right 'bout the whole imprinting bit. "Reading it is one thing, seeing it is another." We, who are fans have issues w/ this shit (as we should).. imagine the shit non fans will have to say about this?! ..Not that I blame 'em.

    @Meg: Hmm no I think you're right. E ties B up and uses a... um.. spreader bar I think.. right? Uh wait.. reading MotU again.. my bad ;-)

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  12. OK. took some deep breaths into a paper bag and came back...

    #1 is the ONLY reason I need (although the others are all certainly valid!). Seriously. When the eclipse dvd comes out i'm watching the proposal scene in slow motion 1000 times. Till my eyes cross. I thought my heart was gonna pound OUT of my chest the first time I saw it....

    So I need to know what to expect from Isle Esme going in. Cause I want to have a defibrulator standing by. (*Please Bill Condon, Please please BRING IT ON! And by 'IT' I mean 'IT' - literally).

    I am wide open.... and oh god, did we have to mention it's 13 months away!!??

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  13. Oh God TK, I couldn't stop laughing at this post! The pic of Renesmee almost made me pee my pants!

    I've already checked out the first spoiler I saw earlier this week. It was from Lainey. She had an 'inside source' and described scenes in the script. I don't usually jump on everything I see at first. But I do like checking out behind the scene pics. Of course, my willpower dwindles as time goes on. Oh hell, who am I kidding. I'll be a spoiler whore soon enough.

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  14. Panties Smanties.... I'm a total spoiler H00r! Wait till their back in Vancouver I'll be set stalking again! Damn it.... I'm determined to meet Rob!!!!

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  15. I don't think spreader bars and butt plugs will make the PG13 cut. So all I want for Christmas 2011 and 2012 is for Bill Condon to give us a directors cut NC17 style!

    I'll be a spoiler h00r. If i get lots of Rob back and chest and grinding, I can live with the fade to black (maybe).

    But I'm most wondering about is if KStew can make me believe Bella is a mother.

    Great post TK. I'm also in TX and want to trot on over to LA for some Rob lovin'.

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  16. My twymen was blown out of the water long ago. Therefore, I will abso-fucking-lutely be h00ring it up this time as well. I am going to need spoliers in mass amounts to survive the next 393 mother fucking days. All I can say is I hope it's worth the wait and we don't get screwed over on the sex scenes...AGAIN! I really don't think myself or my vag could handle that kind of disappointment. It has taken a shit load of therapy and even more fan fiction for us to recover from the let down entitled "Isle Esme." We stuck around through three books of pure sexual tension only to be left hanging when we needed it most. I mean she's in the ocean...with Edward...naked. I repeat...Edward is NAKED! Then she wakes up the next morning?!? Hold the fucking phone! What the hell happened between the nakedness and the morning??? Inquiring(not to mention horny) minds want to know. The first time I read BD I literally thought I had gotten my hands on a defective copy. There I was frantically flipping pages, certain I was missing a few. Nope, not the case. What The Fuck?!? *Ahem* Ok, rant over! This, as you can see is a touchy subject for me! Thanks for allowing me to vent!

    All I can say is...Dear Lawd, thank you for Fan Fiction. Can I get an Amen?!?

    Oh by the way TK, I love that when you googled "huge ugly ring" that fucking monstrosity popped up! Even Google is well aware of how damn fugly that thing is!

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  17. Dying with laughter over here.

    I will be a H00r with a capital 'H' for this shit-storm of a movie...
    It's gonna be sooooo bad....SOOOO BAD. I can't fucking wait!!!

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  18. I was kind of a spoiler h00r for New Moon and regretted the crap out of it. For Eclipse, I played "just the tip." I've decided that I like just the tip as opposed to to whole, h00rish thing. I will watch trailers and some of the sneak peeks, but I will NOT watch leaked footage again. My vagina is crying just thinking about the wait for these God-forsaken movies. And there better not be a fucking fade to back. I want to see him BRUISE the shit out of that dirty little sluzzy.

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  19. @IGiveUp: I read Lainey's BD script post too. It was actually pretty funny.

    Anyhoo.. according to her, the sexy times will be showcased in the form of flashbacks. They'll be "all limbs" and there'll be "writhing." She said the actual script reads, "pretty erotic." So that's something right?! Hopefully that'll translate well onto the screen! Yeh baby! For the love God.. I want to see Robward's "O" face. Pleeaaaazeee!
    If you h00rs are interested

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  20. Spoiler h00r all the way!

    @TK: pmsl at the Renesmee pic and that horrible wedding dress.

    @Luxie:I want to see Robward's "O" face too...oh god I really do.

    I'll have one of those too @BasketCaseMom: BD directors cut NC17 style

    Amen @TwiNurse02

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  21. still looking for my vampOctober 22, 2010 at 12:18 AM

    I am in full whore mode. I will take BD in any way they want to give it to me. Although, if they do the fade to black after the ocean scene, and I don't get to see any Edward "writhing," or at least a little bit of a butt crack, I will not be responsible for any stabbing that may or may not take place in the theater.

    The potential to fuck this movie up is enormous.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Spoiler h00r, present and accounted for...bring it on! O and TK knocks another one outta the park:)

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  23. If stephanie meyer chooses bella's wedding dress it will look like this->->->

    http://bit.ly/caauHe

    and poor horny edward will end up using the
    !!!SUCCA DRY!!!
    crAZZZZy vampire fleshlight with
    FANGS
    For Guys Who Love Blow Jobs With Bite!
    http://t.co/ax7GyEg

    ReplyDelete
  24. @charla-I did the same thing vis-a-vis New Moon and Eclipse. But I think overkill works better than underkill. Plus BD is such an underkill to begin with,how could it be damaged further? Plus,folks,this is the LAST ONE. Once its over,its over.

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  25. @NOfadetoblack, the 'asian modest wedding gown' is fugly but the Succu Dry is fucken priceless!!! I'm still PMSL @ the toothy blow job in a can....what will they think of next?!

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  26. Yep. I don't know. How's that for a ridiculous nonanswer. For Eclipse I watched every clip, every set pic, read the script. I might avoid it all for BD....except for one small, teeny, tiny, insignificant detail....

    I will be trench crawling through Louisiana with @Laxplays . If I get to see "the pretty" in real life, I feel certain that the weak substitution of seeing him in photos or onscreen will pale. We can't have < when it comes to Robward.

    *sigh* So here I am, back at not knowing. Shite. I'm an indecisive bitch.

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  27. I am going to keep my "twymen" for Breaking Dawn like I did for Eclipse. I was a complete h00r for New Moon (I didn't start this obsession until Twilight was already out) and I felt like I had already seen everything by the time I went to see the movie.

    It was absolute torture not peeking during all the leaked set pics and clips but hey, a little torture makes the pleasure all that much better in the end!

    PS - I can't wait to see the "O" face, they better give it to us so that I can compare it to the one in my dreams! :)

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  28. I will be a full spoiler whore! I will be watching the shit outta anything that shows up on the interwebs. There's way too much time between now and the release of the first part of BD... I have to get my fix somehow!!! xoxo

    w/v: pollsoke. We better see Rob doing some pollsoke-ing in BD! heh heh

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  29. I love your reasons TK! ROFLMAO at how you picture Renesmee!!!

    for Twilight movies I am a total spoiler h00r! gimme,gimme, gimme. I want more. I figure no matter how much they fuck up the details, the main story remains the same. And I love me some Edward-I mean the story!!

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  30. MY AFTER CAR IS AN XKR is my daughter and she gets her patience and restraint and all around serene disposition from her mother...need I say more? I am starved for spoilers!!!

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  31. i, too, will be h00ring it up with any spoilers i can find (and i expect to see many links to spoilers right here ladies! hook a fellow twitard up!) the book was terrible, so i have to prepare myself for what i'll be seeing on the big screen.

    pmsl with the renesmee pic. gawd, the name KILLS me! i usually call her Edwardella instead.

    i'm mostly interested to see if Billy-boy can turn this lump of coal into a diamond. and if kristen stewart can actually pretend to have any emotion.

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  32. Since I'm pretty positive that these movies are going to absolute trainwrecks, I figure I might as go total spoiler so I can at least be prepared. I mean, I flipped my shit at the fade to black honeymoon when I first read the book (I seriously didn't even realize they had had sex), screamed in pure anger when the wolves started imprinting on toddlers and then threw up in my mouth when Edward gnawed the baby out of Bella's belly and Jacob imprinted on the fucking freak.

    And that fight scene? Lame. My race to the train is more vicious and violent than that final fight.

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  33. Eden (@defenderofmice)October 22, 2010 at 10:50 AM

    Face down, ass up over the back of the couch.

    That is all.

    Bring it.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I hate spoilers in general, but I will be joining the ranks of you spoiler h00rs this time around. LMAO at the pic of Renesme!

    I'd like to see your Renesme dressed up in that fugly wedding dress. Now that would be a scene stealer!

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  35. Woooooah Holy Shit! I almost PMSL at the Renealsdjherh pic! I was scrolling along, giggling and snickering away...then BAM! Fucking hilarity. Your MSPaint skillz are amazing.

    I am a spoiler h00r...but I draw the line at reading scripts. Except Bel Ami. I totes sucked that up. Mmmmm....Georges. These movies are gonna be awful, and we are gonna love it to pieces. Love that it's awful, at least. I can just see us now, 2015, up in FOORRKKSS!!! doing a private screening of Breaking Dawn I and II up in the Twilight Lounge. We might seriously die up there laughing.

    So bring on the spoiler posts, and don't worry about passing me links and pics and shit on the twitter. I'll be wiiiiiide open for you.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I was a total spoiler whore for New Moon and Eclipse...don't think I can change my shoring ways for the 2 BD movies. Although I can say my expectations for these 2 movies are extremely low. I hated Dreamgirls, so I'm not expecting a great movie out of Bill Condon. Of course I'll still go see them multiple times. Cause I'm just a whore like that ;)

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  37. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! I will definitely be on the spoiler train!

    OMEC I LOVE THIS POST!!! The bat picture made me piss myself. Thanks a lot, now I have to go home from work and change!

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  38. [Insert @Charla's comment here.]

    I'm not one for watching train wrecks while they're in progress. I'm more of a 'check out the horrible aftermath' kinda girl.

    Imma do pretty much nothing except read fanfic until the movies come out. So whatever you post here I'll pro'ly see but I'm not seeking out any other info.

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  39. I've been a big fat spoiler h00r for the past 3 movies, I seen no reason to change my ways now. I am so curious about so many things on how they'll handle this tricky book to film adventure. I'm sure it will be awesome. Either awesomely kick arse or awesomely wretched is still to be determined. But either way, it's guaranteed to be awesomely entertaining!! Like totally.

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  40. I'm with @Charla, I just wanna little taste. I also totes agree that these are gonna blow big old donkey dick! Sad but true but that won't stop me from watching them with the glimmer of hope that they make Rob take his clothes off for several scenes in this movie. I wanna see some sexy naked Rob dammit!

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  41. You want to know pathetic? I live 20 minutes away from where they are filming and I've yet to do a drive by bc of that whole earning a living and packing lunches BS. My hubs works for the company that gave them cars to drive, and still nothing. I'm so ashamed of myself I could cry.

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  42. TK, you might swing from one extreme to the other, but at least you can make a decision!

    i haven't decided what approach to take on BD yet... aaaand i suppose it's getting to be about that time, yes? shit.

    oh and that "man in the iron mask" pic creepsw me out even mpore than batnesmee - {{{shudder}}}

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  43. It takes all my energy to keep RL from discovering my Twi life. Trying to be a BD virgin is impossible. @TexasKatherine wouldn't let me anyway.She's strict like that.

    I'll suck up every BD interview, clip, trailer, until I sit, alone in the theater, waiting to be - satisfied. I'm paying extra for the NC-17 viewing. in IMAX. That peen will be awesome, not to mention sparkly!

    (thanks to TwiNurse02 xx)

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  44. I was a 'Just the tipper' for Eclipse but I, too, plan on going full whore on this one. No holds barred. Braless, commando, nude beach with it all hanging out.

    @TK--So glad you will not be airtight this go around...my nose thanks you profusely...that airtight chastity belt made for some ripe smelling cooter stank. I think I just threw up a little.

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  45. "My vagina was out sick on picture day." LMFAO, how the eff do you come up with this shit?

    Love this. I'll be resuming my whorish ways as always...and I don't feel guilty about it.

    Spoiler Whores Unites!

    xo J

    ReplyDelete
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  47. I'm going to be watching these movies with my dear friend, Alcohol.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I absolutely hate all teasers spoilers because they always hype things up and the movies mostly turn out to be shit... i had so many problems with all three movies so far that at this point i expect BD to suck so many donkey balls that i might just hate it (doesn't mean i wont watch it over and over to oogle the wonderful boys.)
    so spoil/tease away dearest!

    ReplyDelete
  49. I'm a spoiler h00r and proud of it. And it just so happens I have a work conference in New Orleans Nov 3-8th. You know what that means? I am staying an extra day to set stalk. I have no idea how to find the set or what to do once I get there. Are lawn chairs involved? I am picturing a tailgate with sparkling vamps and some actors that play vampires.

    ReplyDelete
  50. OMG! You crack me up! I have been a spoiler whore since the credits rolled on Twilight. I didn't even want to get sucked into the god damn books. Next thing I know I am stalking IMDB looking for New Moon information, then comes Wide Awake - (what the MOTHERFUCK is Fanfiction, back then.) And now... my god damn Blackberry is attached to my fucking hand - no joke - as I tweet and e-mail all day. Blogs are stalked looking for pictures or news or what-the-fuck ever.

    I tried to go into Eclipse knowing nothing. That did not last. I remember saying to my sister, "I'm going to try not to spoil this one with pictures and videos." Her response to me was, "What the fuck does it matter? You read the books asshole, you know what's going to happen. How do you spoil anything?" After that, I searched videos, pictures, and blogs - whatever I could find - like I a fiend.

    I'm already stalking for Breaking Dawn spoilers. WTF ever. I mean, c'mon - we all know this is going to be what we want it to because Summit has a bunch of penis's in suits working on this. I mean, they have the fucking books - which has word for fucking word dialogue in it. And believe it or not, Summit, a lot of us fell in love with the fucking books. So, don't be too fucking surprised when we go all "WTF you morons?!" When you change shit.

    Wait, now that I think about it. WATCH. Twilight-Eclipse were meh and didn't give a lot of us what we wanted. Eclipse was like that moment where he almost hits that spot, and then finishes before you... you know? Watch, we want them to change BD - No fucking fade to black honey-moon, maybe give Bella more power than to just intensely stare at people.. I could go on, we all know what we want to change. Watch these Summit assholes don't change shit in BD and go straight by the book. Idk about all of you, but that's my luck.

    Wow. I rambled, sorry. In simpler terms? YES I WILL BE A SPOILER WHORE!

    ReplyDelete
  51. @JJ LMAO I didn't realize they even had sex EITHER!! I flipped the pages back and forth, seriously thinking someone had ripped the sex scene outta my copy!! 3 books of foreplay and you don't exactly expect a "fade to black."

    ReplyDelete
  52. If stephanie meyer chooses bella's wedding dress it will look like this->->->

    http://bit.ly/caauHe

    and poor horny edward will end up using the
    !!!SUCCA DRY!!!
    crAZZZZy vampire fleshlight with
    FANGS
    For Guys Who Love Blow Jobs With Bite!
    http://t.co/ax7GyEg

    ReplyDelete

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