Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Awkward Moments at Twitarded: Mommy (not a)Jerkface vs. The Sparkle Peen

As you all know, Snarkier Than You and I had a blast at Twilight in the Park. A little too much 'blast' if truth be told and I have to admit, the next day I felt like Bella after she went cliff diving and almost drowned. Everything hurt. Hell, even my hair hurt.

When I finally stumbled out of bed that afternoon, the first thing I did after guzzling Gatorade was head to the computer and check my email. Naturally I had oodles of messages from Twitter and Blogger, not to mention that usual spam telling me my penis size is inadequate [Um, duuuh] and offering various remedies for said teeny weenie. Sadly, it's very rare that anyone I know in RL [with the exception of STY, natch, who more than makes up for it] actually emails me and when they do, it's inevitably about Twilight anyway.

And then I saw the email that I should have anticipated receiving the moment Snarkier Than You sent me a cryptic-but-gleeful email last Monday saying "I know what we're posting about today!!!" It was tucked in between a Twitter message and an email from someone nice old lady in Nigeria who desperately needs my help - and my bank account information... It was the line in my inbox that stopped me in my tracks:

Mommy (not a)Jerkface ----------------- The big pink rubbery thing
Oh. Mah. gawd. I cringed. I groaned. I felt a Bella-worthy flush flood my face. I was mortified because I knew what she was referring to without even opening up the email.

What? You didn't seriously think I'd post another picture of the pink peeper, did you? Let's not start vicious cycles now... [note from STY: Is this near Clitsville?]

Finally, I took a deep breath and read it:

To: Jenny Jerkface
From: Mommy (not a)Jerkface

Re: The big pink rubbery thing

My dear,

I normally don’t read your blog because you do have quite the “potty mouth”. At times I find it distressing to know that my adorable daughter has other thoughts on her mind besides her collection of “My Pretty Pony” and whatever strange things you kept in that large wooden box stashed in the back of your bedroom closet. You know what I’m talking about . . . the one covered with all those depressing poems written in magic marker, which, by the way, I never opened . . . too scary. Anyway, unlike your secret box, I do occasionally open your “blog” to check out the pictures because I find the captions amusing. You can imagine my surprise when I opened Twitarded yesterday and scrolled down to find a picture of a very large pink dildo. (Yes, I know, you told me to check with you first before going onto Twitarded.) My first thought was “Oh my goodness!!!” and I quickly closed the blog without reading it. This was way too much information and very weird.

HOWEVER . . . now I need to know. What’s with the dildo? I really liked the Twitarded coffee cup and undies but I’m confused about this other “thing”. Is this in any way related to Twilight? Is it a replica of a certain movie star’s private parts? Are you now selling adult merchandise? Did you lose your job and need money? Please clarify.

Love ya



I. Can't. Believe. My. Mom. Wrote. 'Dildo.'

I sat there for a minute, shell-shocked by the M(na)J dildo bomb, wondering how to respond, before I burst out laughing. My poor mom. Not only did I subject her to "Jenny Jerkface, the Teenage Years," but now I'm an adult and I'm STILL tormenting her by making her read Twilight and New Moon (among other things - many other things). Then I [well, STY, technically, since it was her post] traumatize her with a sparkly, faux vampire peen.

After weighing my options, I decide to call Mommy (not a)Jerkface because, in my bizarre rationalization, it will be easier to speak to her about sex toys rather than write to her about them. Unfortunately, once I got her on the phone I was laughing too hard to really get the words out, so I just told her to read the damn post and that, yes, I still have a job and no, it's not peddling sex toys. Yet, anyway.

Actually, I suppose that when when the inevitable happens and I finally get fired for blogging all day (when I am not set-stalking, anyway), maybe I could be one of those chicks who comes to your house and peddles sex toys and potions. You know-- like Pampered Chef only for your vagina? I think I know where to find a good customer base...

Anyhoo, M(na)J eventually does take a gander at the dildo post and shoots me another email:

My dear,
Whew. I’m relieved to know you haven’t lost your job nor are you selling adult doodads. My apologies to STY for not giving her credit. . .it just seemed uncharacteristic of her writing style, though it makes me wonder why I automatically assumed it was yours [JJ's note - because I'm generally far more disgusting than STY, who at least can inject a little class into her posts, no matter how dirty they are?].

You called to explain what the article was about but you were laughing so hard I couldn’t understand half of what you said. I went back to read the description of the ugh “vampsicle” but I don’t understand why anyone would pay $39.95 for a piece of rubber that can be bleached, boiled or cleaned via a dishwasher. Would a person use it for other purposes besides the obvious? Stir a pot of spaghetti sauce, pound chicken breasts into cutlets? What than? I’m mystified and totally grossed out.

The mental image of someone beating the shit out of a chicken breast with a sparkly dildo almost killed me.

P.S.@Mommy (not a)Jerkface: Don't EVER open that chest!!! I'm pretty sure that's where I left my tortured teenage soul...trust me, NO ONE wants that unleashed again.

P.P.S.@Brother Jerkface [since the whole fam reads this now]: Hey--remember how you said you liked the posts I did with Mommy's emails??? Hope you loved this one - mwah!


  1. I would love to be a fly on the wall during one of your family's get togethers!!

    The Vampsicle and the chicken breast is a very funny mental image....though with the vamp being so average sized you might have to POUND the chicken longer...

    Goodnight ladies...(snort)

  2. Mommy (not a Jerkface) is awesome!!!

    Stir spaghetti...LOL I wonder what my hubby would do if he saw me doing that??!!

    @Jaima...pound the chicken longer....LOL

    WV: borat....seems fitting..borat would probably pound chicken with a dildo!

  3. I just finished reading this post to the hubs. I was nearly in tears. He says your mom is a nut, which is a major compliment because he says the same thing about his mom. We love you guys. You make life so interesting!

  4. Priceless....just priceless!! Your Mom is fabulous as are you guys! Excuse me while I compose myself and stop crying/laughing so damn hard from this post:))

  5. I thank sweet baby Jesus that my mother does not and will not ever read my blog (or yours!)

  6. @Eyes of Amber - the poor woman is nut - because I made her that way. LOL. She's fantastic though.

    @mmMoxie - I told M(na)J about the blog when it was in its infancy. I never knew it was going to turn into a gigantic fucking slut. Sigh. In her defense she a)didn't kill me as a teenager and b)has a killer sense of humor so...

    but it still makes me cringe sometimes to know she reads this stuff. And my brother too! LOL.

  7. Oh dear God...that was hilarious!! The images of using the erm...thing for cooking - priceless!!

    Btw, on the subject of the erm...thing. I happened to be glancing through a (trashy) UK based newspaper the other day (The News of The World - otherwise known to me as 'the complete made up crap of the world', but what the hell)
    Anyways, on the entertainment page, there was a tiny pic of Rob tucked away in the corner (because this country is SO lame with the Twilight stuff!) and they mentioned the erm...sparkly thing...and also reported that it had been modeled on er, well Rob's bits!! I about pee'd myself laughing over that - can count on the British press to start all the best (ie dumbest!) rumours!! Rob Pattinson is now a model for dildos - brilliant!

  8. I. Can't. Believe. My. Mom. Wrote. 'Dildo.'

    Are you fucking kidding me?! I think I just peed my pants!

    You crack me up...

    I would die if my mom read any of my blog posts! I think she would die too!

    WV: 'implo' - as in I would implo if my mom read my blog posts!!

  9. Holy Shit! I come home from a nice *snort* evening with my mommy and the kids and read this! OMG! I am so glad mom doesn’t read Twilight. (I don’t think she reads, period, but that’s beside the point.) If she did, and she knew there was a sparkly vamp peen to be had, she’d be first in line. It’s kinds gross to realize that my mother is horny…ew. I wonder if my granny would think it was kinda big to be an electric ear cleaner?!
    Speaking of my evening, though, guess what I came across? A real live unicorn, sitting in the middle of Pizza Hut reading Eclipse! I asked him if he was enjoying it and could tell it kinda pissed him off to be interrupted in his reading! I know the feeling, but I was absolutely tickled and HAD to say something! He was with another guy who looked like he might be a little embarrassed, and he ignored me completely when I spoke to him. Maybe he thought I was hitting on his boyfriend. *chuckle*

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  11. JJ, you must have been the kid in high school who had the really cool mom. Any mom who can talk about pounding chicken with a vampsicle has got it going on!

    I cringe just thinking about having that conversation with my mom. Of course, it just occured to me that I'm a mom of two daughters, and I worship your blog and love pervy fanfiction.

    My girls are a little young at this point but by the time the last installment of the Breaking Dawn movie is released they might be ready for Twitarded.

  12. Suffice to say that you have fully corrupted MnaJ! I do believe the words 'Mommy' and 'Dildo' were truly never meant to mix...BUT now that they have....welcome MnaJ to this wacked out, slightly pornographic, definitely dirty bird place your lovely daughter has created! And the lovely STY too, of course. "Twitarded--it's a family affair!"

    My favorite line is from her second e-mail 'I’m relieved to know you haven’t lost your job nor are you selling adult doodads'. NOW that sounds like a mom--in fact, my mother says 'doodads' all the time....great, guess what I will be thinking about every time she says that now. I am almost secretly hoping I can quote your mom at some opportune moment when my daughters are adults--on second thought maybe I shouldn't wish for that moment. ;-)

  13. Holy crap...stir spaghetti and pound chicken cutlets...I am dying...because I'm trying to hold in my laughter and almost passed out of my desk chair. Mommy (not a) Jerkface is wonderment!

  14. That is too freaking funny.

    Just as a side note, I'm originally from Newfoundland where you can find the town of Dildo.

    If memory serves me correct, if you are heading east, you hit the turn off to Dildo, followed by anotehr little town called Come By Chance, which is then followed by Conception Bay.

    Yup. I wish I were joking.

  15. I can't stop laughing... Having hard time typing...

    I keep picturing someone whaping a chicken breast with a sparkly dildo....

    You Mom Rocks!!!

    Verification Word: chilijq is that the sound the chicken breast would make?

  16. hahah your mom is so freaking awesome. im so jealous.

    sidenote: i saw you guys on tv tonight!! on reelz channel twilight weekly. my bff/roommate and i saw some twilight as we were scrolling through the guide and had to watch it. then im like "HEY I KNOW ALL THOSE PEOPLE... well i dont KNOW them, but i read their blogs..." good times.

  17. I agree with MnaJ... I gravitate toward the photos/captions because they're always the (popped) cherry on top of the funniest blog out there.

    @OutoftheTwiCloset - Thanks, I was wondering where that town was, or if it was a photoshop job. On that same note, I used to live in Leadville, Colorado which was situated nicely between the towns of Climax and Balltown. Really.

  18. You gotta love mommies. But you know what's even worst. When your dad reads one of your posts because that is embarresing. Oh and he brought up my post (which was very graphic about Yoga) infront of my husband while driving in the car. Akward... Silence.. till my husband let out a snicker. Then my dad complimented me on my writing style. Um, what? Again. That blog has been shut down. No daddies allowed!

  19. Now that my mom thinks I'm mental anyway I can laugh out loud at your posts. I wish she would be as cool as M(na)J about anything to do with Twilight... or sparkling peens. Nope, my mom is sooo not cool...


  20. OMG. My cheeks are cramping right now. Holy crap. Pounding the chicken has all new meaning now....

  21. Omg the horror of mnj seeing the sparklepeni on your post. I almost spewed my starbucks...so it must have scared her half to death! Love reading her emails to you....she must convince her to guest blog!! & ps i swear the sparkle shlong on your site shut my internet access down at work. I know I T must have seen that because the next day my access was gone! I freaked out!!! oh F'ing noooooooos! I had to sweet talk them to give it back. Srsly. I thought the vag boomerang headband was risqué, the vamp disco stick took the cake!

  22. JJ & Ma are very hilarious! That almost sounds like that commerical for the finger vibrator. Where the older lady says, I got mine off the internet. LMAO!!
    Question, if you use the sparkly doodad to pound the breast, will it make the meat tender. LOL! I saw you guys on REELZ channel too! YAY!

  23. Oh my gosh!! I just picture my mom in your post and omg! I´m glad like hell she can´t read english, saves me from a lot of embarrassment.

    Anyway, your mom is just pretty cool and so rocks!

  24. My gosh M(na)J needs her own blog, or show or something! Shit! Dildos and chicken in the same sentence! Gold!

  25. I will never look at my boring old non-sparkly meat mallet in the same way ever again...

    And it is KILLING us that we can't see the Reelz footage (neither of us gets that channel) - it's our 3 1/2 seconds of fame and we need to get a lookie see! If anyone finds it online or otherwise has a way to get it to us, please help!

  26. NEVER MIND! Found it at WTForks - whew!!!

    : )

  27. Holy Shiz That's the funniest thing...I couldn't stop laughing!!!!!

    You know, I'm still in the closet 'bout my Twilight obsession/addiction so I can't begin to fathom my mom talking 'bout a vampsicle! LMFAO!

  28. Pound chicken breasts into cutlets...BWAHAHAHAHAHA...with the sparkly peen...BWAHAHAHAH... I heart you and M(na)J!

  29. You could contact the Food Network and propose they do a show called "Cooking With Twilight- Related Sex Toys". Of course hosted by the beautiful JJ and STY, with special guests from the cast. Guests must wear the limited edition Twitarted apron, and NOTHING ELSE. I'd tune in!

  30. Oops! I meant Twitarded, but does Twitarted fit anyway?

  31. I'll never be able to stir another pot of spaghetti sauce again without cackling like a mad woman! Your mom is a crack-up!

  32. Oh my bloody god! haha

    Now, when I pound the shit out of the chicken for chicken parm, I will imagine that I'm doing it with the pink sparkly dildo, it will seem less tedious!! haha
    Love your mum, she is bloody hilarious.

    Spaghetti stirrer? haha YUCK! That thing would look pretty gross after all that tomato permeating its way through the rubber.. Could you imagine a hint of red all over it.. That and it might just melt the tip off and what use would it be after losing the dolphin head? NADA!


  33. Priceless... as usual. I almost wish you ladies would invest in one 'doodad' and see what mini-Edward has to say about it. :)

  34. @ JJ - I’m betting I know the answer to this…did Mommy(na)Jerkface mention her Sparkle Peen findings to Daddy(na)Jerkface? *snort*

  35. @Limey_1996 - Ewwwwww. LOL! You always manage to cross whatevever line techinically doesn't exist here. And I heart you for it.

    It's definitely a little weird knowing that the fam is aware of the fact that a) I'm perverted and gross b)I want to hump RPattz and possibly even Taycob and c)I have no shame admitting any of this.

    On the other hand, while I'm sure Daddy (not a)Jerkface is aware of the goings on at Twitarded, I'd probably die of embarrassment if he actually looked. I do know he's read some of your comments and thinks you are all absolutely hysterical... and totally off your rockers. At least I'm in good company, lol. Birds of a feather...

  36. Jenny jerkface-Re humping Rpatz...and possibly the pup...well you are HARDLY alone in that desire...right?? Obviously there is such a demand they invented the Vampsicle.


  37. @ Jenny Jerkface:

    Luv it! --- 'want to hump RPattz'

    HAha LOL!

    Luckily my family doesn't know any of the goings on concerning my obsession. At least I have two other crazed Twi obssessed friends to even things out. Oh and effin' awesome blogs to read :)

  38. I CLEARLY passed out far to early yesterday, cuz i missed this shit! i swear if my mom ever questioned me about sex toys id prob die!! i know my family has had those parties in the past but i can say i REALLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYY dont feel ok with buying that shit infront of my aunt or seeing what she buys for her to use with my uncle....... barf

  39. Too right, isn't it odd that everyone else in your family, sister,brothers aunts and uncles should go to their graves only having had sex once and then it was only to have offspring.
    The Idea of Uncle Jim and Aunt Betty having sex is too horrible...Now the idea of Uncle Jim buying Aunt Betty the vampsicle is funny!!

  40. @JJ & STY - Woo hoo! Twitarded the only place to be.. :D

  41. Awwww. Ok, went to WTForks and saw the Reelz clip. You should email them and see if they will send you a cleaner copy. You're famous!! You're like the peeps on Movie Mobsters. That's awesome! I like how you guys kept anonymous with your code names. You both are too cute.

  42. I think I left my tortured teenage soul in that poster of Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano in My So-Called Life.

  43. OK, I went to WTForks this morning to see the Reelz clip and I had a problem. It opened about 50 new windows over and over before I finally had to just shut the computer down! Not sure WTF happened! I agree with Honolulu girl…contact them! (Please)

  44. This is a 'lil OT but still naughty in subject.

    My friend went to Twicon and said she saw a shirt there that read,


    It had a little raindrop on the front.

    Heehee ;)


    p.s. i'm watching twilight right now.


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  47. The beating the chicken breast with the dildo definitely had me almost rolling on the floor. I had to contain myself while sitting next to my husband. He already thinks I went off the deep end with all my fun Twilight stuff! If he ever finds out about the vamp he'll probably shoot himself!!!

  48. Fucking hilarious! If a hearty laugh burns 2 calories, I am going for another glass of wine!This is so good!

  49. Dear Universe. Please have a member (snicker) of JJ's family purchase the vampsicle for her birthday.

  50. LOL..I had the image of her seeing the dildo and shutting her screen (I was thinking laptop)..and holding her breath! haha.

    OMG - your Brother reads this..They all do?
    You are my twi-Idol..I am NOT worthy!

    and it seems as if "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree"..M(na)J is one heck of a MOM!

  51. Your mom sounds hilarious and I love you guys blog...too funny!!!

  52. OMFG reading that post nearly killed me. Soooooooooo funny! Especially with the image of a sparkly dildo stirring a saucepan of spaghetti! LMFAO!! Ur mum's v. cool. :D x


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