Sunday, September 20, 2009

Twilight Porn - How Far is Too Far?

If you haven't gathered from the title, I'm going to be talking about sex and Twilight. And it's probably not going to be pretty. You've been warned {cough} Mommy[not a]Jerkface{cough}.

TwiCrackAddict mentioned this a couple of weeks ago and it's been all over the Twidom since, but I haven't been able to do a little, ahem, 'research' until now.


Normally when I'm on the computer I will inevitably run into something porn-based in my travels. I could fucking google "how to wash silk" and I'll still get links to "slutty housewives wash silk" or some shit like that. And Google Image search? Doesn't matter what I'm looking for, by the second or third page of results, I'm looking at a penis or tits.

Therefore, I figured it would be really easy to search specifically for pornography. I mean, I figured my search results would be the computer equivalent of a gangbang.

I was wrong. Ironically, the first link to show up was the Examiner, which is proof that A) Twilight is fucking REALLY popular and B) the fans are bunch of perverts. After all, a website moves up in the Google search by popularity.

It took me forever to try and find the stupid Twilight Porn parody. I even went to the website of Devil's Films, who is supposed to be producing this hot mess but nothing. I sat there, scrolling past Butt Fuck Fatties, Anal Team Tryouts, and Your Mom's Hairy Pussy. I gave up immediately after that one.

I will say right now that I have every intention of watching these movies (the Twilight ones!! Not the 'Your Mom's Hairy Pussy'!!). Now, while I devour written Twismut like it's the only thing keeping me alive, I have to say that I'm not particularly interested in the visual smut.

Let's face it - having sex is not sexy. Or at least it doesn't look sexy. It actually looks kind of moronic to me, if I want to be honest. I mean, it's just two people grunting and moaning and kind of mashing into each other, ya know (and yes, I over analyze everything)? I know for a fact that I would probably never do the nasty again if I saw myself on a video in the act. I can only imagine how disturbing my O face is.

Secondly, porn movies are fucking hokey. There is never a plot (duh) and the male actors seem to always exude some kind of unsettling Creep Factor. Double that if the dude has a moustache.

The last time I sat down and watched a porn the only reason I ended up on my back was because I fell off the couch laughing. Frankly, I'd be tempted to drag STY over and watch the porn together. And then record THAT. Because it'll be better than the frigging film.

The only thing that will stop me from watching this porn is if it costs me more than $50.00 $20.00. I am actually considering calling the local smut shop and seeing if they rent the movies but the germaphobe in me woke up and screamed 'are you fucking insane?! You don't know how many sticky fingers touched that shizz'.

P.S. - The reason there are no pictures in this post is because there was no way in hell I was Google Image searching porn. Not that I'm necessarily adverse to it (though I did dry heave violently when someone played 'Two Girls One Cup' for me) but I don't know how to give my computer penicillin and I'm pretty sure there are a lot of, um, viruses out there.

51 comments:

  1. Eeeeeeeeeeew! Nuff said

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  2. Wow. That is dedication!
    Since I DEFINITELY won't be watching it (hell, I don't even do fanfic) I very much look forward to your analysis so I can laugh my head off.

    Mwah.
    xox

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  3. This is fucking hilarious. I can't get beyond the half-frock muumuu on the James wannabe. Now that's EXACTLY what gets my blood boiling.

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  4. wow I think that might be a bit traumatizing. It gives a whole new meaning to the word Twilight, just wait until they make New Moon *shudders*

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  5. So are you saying that you and STY are willing to take one for the team and watch this, um, film, for the rest of us?! You are brave, JJ! Good luck. We're all counting on you :)

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  6. JJ you owe it to your fans to purchase this film and then film yourself and STY watching it!!!! I'M BEGGING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. Whew! While I'm all about the Twismut, I'm also not big on visual smut. That said, I'm oddly curious about this, and would love to hear the reactions of you and STY! I'm sure that would be priceless!

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  8. Wow, I don't see too many men being in to Twilight-related porn, and that's who porn is usually for. Maybe they are hoping women will be intrigued? Totally not working for me. I would rather keep my R-rated fantasies of Twilight sex than have XXX images of it burned im my brain! (Seeing a penis in bright lights is never attractive-- I'm just sayin'). Looking forward to the Twitarded take on it, though!

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  9. Well, I'm finally out of the closet. Made a name and added you guys to my Twitter - finally (hey, JJ I am your 666th follower... mwahahah!) Just wanted to mention that porn of the visual variety has never done it for me - I need some character development if I'm going to make it through without laughing my ass off. Get better JJ!

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  10. WRONG!! SO WRONG!!

    Now my worst fear is that my husband will buy it in hopes that I'll watch pr0n with him...

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  11. @Pushy Fox ... Yes, I would totally watch a recording of JJ & STY's reaction. But I think I'd need to mute it because I'm sure my imagination would be just as bad if not worse than the porn itself.

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  12. Wholeheartedly in compliance with Jaydey17. =p

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  13. so now I'm truly out and about , I have gotten my self a somewhat name ( I could not come up with a better name that mine nick name lame no ? ) but anyway here I'm ....as far as porno any porno I can't really sit and completely watch a movie thru , in truth I get to point out if the nails are ( or not ) done same with the "actors" hair and so I do always miss the point as my husband tells me is about the sex but as I see it , I can either do or see not both at the same time ...
    I do how ever would love to watch the recording reaction of the two of you watching ....

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  14. i told my BFF Matty aka my very own mike newton aka disko-stick aka wtf how dont you like boobs? aka might be gay... that i wanted that,as a FUCKEN JOKE and i swear homeboy is gonna buy it for me, hes mentioned it like a good 6 times. he was over when i saw the 1st blog post about this a week or so ago and since then every other day hes like "you think they'll put glitter on his peen?" "say it outloud has a whole new meaning now, huh?" "think one of his vampire abilities will be to cum super hard"

    hehe i swear hes gonna give it to me for xmas cuz he said im gettin twi-stuff for xmas

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  15. Yeah. I`m good. I`ll stick to my twismut. thanks.

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  16. Jenny you have me laughing outloud once again. My husband does not even bother to ask me what I am reading anymore. As for the movie, I will have to pass. As much as I love my twismut, that does not appeal to me at all. Now if Rob was starring in it that would be a whole different story! I would never leave my house again.

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  17. I take it the word blipped out is F*ck?

    And how sad is it that the porn actor's vamp make-up is better than what Rob had in the actual movie?

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  18. Oh JJ I am not even sure I can handle that. I guess if I had a BFF like STY that was just as Twitarded as me, well, maybe. That said, I can't wait to hear you critique of it!!!!!

    I hope you feel better soon. Do you have the horrendous cold? I have had mine for 9 days now and I am still coughing...time for a Hot Tottie!

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  19. I have never been into any kind of porn, ever! That was until JJ turned me on to fanfic! I love it! Love all the written twi-smut. I still don't watch any kind of porn and don't plan on it either. It's just fucking fake, silly and freaky all at the same time. I won't be watching this movie. It would be great to watch you watch it though. I can't imagine sparkling penis' either. I can't wait to here you and STY comment on it. You guys are great!

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  20. Let´s face it, someone must see it and tell us.. I beg together with pushyfox that you two watch it and tell us. Maybe you do one of these famous " NM trailer reaction videos" Just this here would be
    *Twilight - The Porn reaction video" . I would even again donate some money for this..

    :-)

    Anyway, I have the feeling everyone is jumping on the Twilight and sexy Vampire train at the moment. It brings money, and we are all so nuts about the whole phenomenon that we buy nearly everything,

    No! I haven´t said I would buy it! I wouldn´t, because FanFic´s serves the lack of smut and hot sex in Twilight enough for me. I don´t need a bad made porn - and I´ve never seen a good made porn.

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  21. okay, i'll freely admit, i have an incredibly morbid curiosity....

    and i will be watching it (illegally, though. i'm sure not paying for it!)

    i'll give you guys the recap, for sure. ;)

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  22. *drunkenly giggles* Bwahhahahahah

    Okay so there's this college humor video... (I know go with me) and I am SO sending it to you both right about two seconds from now.

    Also, Mr. Cutie and I were playing the porn google search game last night (you know where you google search a word and the person who gets the furtherest... why am I fucking explaining this to you? *looks at near empty wine bottle* hmm..) Well popcorn won but I lost with puppies because some women painted her boobs with puppies???

    Anyway, was I going to send you something? Oh yeah...

    Drunk cutie out.

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  23. im not gonna lie....i do watch a bit of porn. but honestly, not for sexual gratification, i just find it really funny and i will DEFINITELY be downloading this twiporno in the future and let you know how it is haha

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  24. wtf jj!!!...lol...i hope you find it...do your research...make comparisions...to the movie...n inform us.its a need to know thang and frankly ah am too lazy to download porn or read twismut.readin smut just changes my perception from cute to gross factor....bodily fluids ain't a pretty sight

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  25. Oh gosh - absofuckenlutely - I love twismut, but actual visual porn is a total turn off. in fact I'd venture to say that I didn't see the point of the sexual act (apart from, you know emotional intimacy and making babies) at all until I read Twismut. It was just 'hey, I wanna stick my body part in YOUR body part - howsaboutit?'. It seemed like you might as well put your finger in someone's ear. Then Twismut came along, and now I finally *get it* --- thanks Robward!

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  26. the only thing that would make me watch this creeptastic porn is for the sole reason of seeing a sparkling peen! if they didn't bother with that, then it's an epic fail. but like what you've said, porn flicks are really a drag, you've seen one, you've seen them all. so if anyone can make a screencap of the said shiny happy peen, that'll do for me. thank you in advance.

    in the meantime, I'm happy with twismut fanfics. I reckon my graphic imagination is waaay better than those porn flicks. ;)

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  27. bahahaha so funny!
    Wouldnt wanna see my 'o face' either haha

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  28. Ms J wrote a little blurb about this a little while ago...we were wondering if it came with a complimentary Vamp Stick...LOL!!

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  29. Hey JJ! Did you try googling "dirty talking wife"?? Guess what comes up if you do that? Yep, me!! LOL!

    I think the only way I'd be watching that shit is if RPattz were showing us his goods! Other than that, I think I'll stick to the written word... much sexier than the whole bumping uglies thing!

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  30. You have to watch it and do a vid of you guys watching with opattz dancing and doing that shoveling move he does that makes me week in da knees! You must for all the live that is twitarded. (btw, I heart how my ipone knows when I type twi the auto spellcheck puts in twitarded)

    And I heaved when you mentioned two girls one cup, I am scarred for life after watching that shit. Nasty.

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  31. Visual porno is soooo not sexy. It just looks awkward and weird, like the sex scene in Team America, but messier. It's so much hotter when you leave it to your imagination. I heart written twismut! I admit I'm curious about the sparkling cock though. Tell us all about it, you pervs!

    Veri-word: gorto. Damn Twismut, makes everything sound filthy.

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  32. I was totally wondering why it had taken you so long to comment on the Twilight porn. What does that say abiout you two?

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  33. Poor JJ is too sick to even crawl to the computer today (and since I spent the better part of my weekend in her company, I am now analyzing my every ache, sniffle, and cough) but somehow she managed to get her two cents in on this last night before she keeled over... She's a trooper - one of the many reasons I love her!

    I'm off to stock us both up on Emergen-C, chicken soup, ginger ale, and possibly deliver a copy of Twilight DVD to her house later (it appears she may be Twi-less since she loaned her copy of the movie to Mommy[not a]Jerkface). Oh the humanity!!!

    : )

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  34. This is straight up awesome and fucked up at the same time. Burn me a copy of this. Like you said, this is too weird. The fanfic is something that gets juices flowing which is understandable, but being a fan of twilight... I have to see this. Just once. Just to see the directors attempt at this story.

    "How do you destory a vampire?!" asked Bella, curious. She didn't see how it was physically possible.

    Edward responded, his voice trembling, "You have to fuck her so hard she cums at least 3 times, and blow your load on her face."


    DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!!!!!

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  35. Ewwww, Im not a fan of any porn that has images to go with it. I like my porn to stay in the fanfiction literary realm.

    And I agree JJ, guys in porn are so CREEPY!

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  36. OK, so I'm not a huge fan of watching porn...I have done it and benefitted from it, but I also have always had several drinks first...just sayin.

    @ Lisa - "It seemed like you might as well put your finger in someone's ear." Um...if that's what you think, you might be doing it wrong.

    @ Justine Amanda - I actually tried making the O face and taking a picture of it (to use as a profile pic) *snicker* Please make note, that I DID NOT use that pic...in fact, I deleted it as soon as I looked at it! It was much sexier in my mind...

    @ Snarcastic M - Complementary Vamp Stick...Bwahahahaha! Now, I'd pay...um...at least a couple bucks for that! Especially if it sparkles!

    @ Christina Padilla - Yes! We need to see some more OPattz and his infamous shoveling move! C'mon JJ and STY! Get that boy drunk and take some (not porn) videos!

    @ b'Rock - "You have to fuck her so hard she cums at least 3 times, and blow your load on her face." Bwahahahahahaha! Holy Shit, I think I pissed myself...yep, I did!

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  37. So, um, that's me - Abigail- above. Not sure how I got signed in under that ID or how to sign in under the one I freaking see on the right hand side of your blog that has my freaking picture and everything, but now I'm determined to figure it out!

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  38. You know, my DH gave me such grief before finally whine-ingly agreeing to see Twilight with me (this, after YEARS of me sitting through his bullshit zombie movies...but I digress...). Of course he was pissy about it (Twilight). THIS version, however, he might be game for. But, I'd probably puke all over myself with the creepy fake RPattz, and that's not very much fun now is it?!

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  39. @ b'Rock - "You have to fuck her so hard she cums at least 3 times, and blow your load on her face." Holy Shit! I am dying here!!!!

    and STY: Please tell JJ we hope she feels better soon!!!!

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  40. At least "Porn E" doesn't look like our E!

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  41. totally unrelated, but i hope you guys do a post about the soundtrack. even the website for the indie rock station that i listen to is reporting on it, which is the last place on earth i expected to see anything twi-related. (maybe you guys know it since you're in the nyc area? http://thealternateside.org/news/ ).

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  42. @Anonymous: The indie rock station I listen to is reporting on the New Moon soundtrack too! Actually on air! I was amazed, because Twilight really doesn't get as much attention here in Ireland as it does in the States, and Phantom FM is the last place I would have expected to hear anything about it. i almost crashed the car when I heard it. True story.

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  43. Blergh. I suck today. I've been half heartedly trolling Twiland today because I feel like someone kicked the shit out of me. Wah, Jenny Jerkface is cranky when she's sick.

    Nevertheless, you guys all cracked me up. STY and I will watch this video even though it will destroy Twilight for us forever. LOL

    Oh, and for those of you who are asking about the New Moon Soundtrack... we're working on it. Promise. :)

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  44. Oh my God. If Steph Meyer found out about this... she is going to be so pissed (about the porno I mean).

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  45. @Jael - That's the least of my worries. I just hope she doesn't find out about our site!! LOL!

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  46. This is straight up awesome and fucked up at the same time. Burn me a copy of this. Like you said, this is too weird. The fanfic is something that gets juices flowing which is understandable, but being a fan of twilight... I have to see this. Just once. Just to see the directors attempt at this story.

    "How do you destory a vampire?!" asked Bella, curious. She didn't see how it was physically possible.

    Edward responded, his voice trembling, "You have to fuck her so hard she cums at least 3 times, and blow your load on her face."


    DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!!!!!

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  47. I have never been into any kind of porn, ever! That was until JJ turned me on to fanfic! I love it! Love all the written twi-smut. I still don't watch any kind of porn and don't plan on it either. It's just fucking fake, silly and freaky all at the same time. I won't be watching this movie. It would be great to watch you watch it though. I can't imagine sparkling penis' either. I can't wait to here you and STY comment on it. You guys are great!

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  48. bahahaha so funny!
    Wouldnt wanna see my 'o face' either haha

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  49. i told my BFF Matty aka my very own mike newton aka disko-stick aka wtf how dont you like boobs? aka might be gay... that i wanted that,as a FUCKEN JOKE and i swear homeboy is gonna buy it for me, hes mentioned it like a good 6 times. he was over when i saw the 1st blog post about this a week or so ago and since then every other day hes like "you think they'll put glitter on his peen?" "say it outloud has a whole new meaning now, huh?" "think one of his vampire abilities will be to cum super hard"

    hehe i swear hes gonna give it to me for xmas cuz he said im gettin twi-stuff for xmas

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