Saturday, September 5, 2009

You Asked For It... One More Twilight Doll!

So apparently at least one or three of us (JJ and I included) are unfortunate enough to NOT be going away this weekend... And I hate to break the news, but the rest of the world is out of town. I can hear the collective blogosphere - cricket cricket cricket - and it is empty. Abandoned. The few poor souls who are around are busy licking their computer screens and chasing the flaming remnants of their underwear around and are unable to rip their eyes away from the recently released orgasm-inducing outtakes from Interview magazine. Panties didn't just get moist, they combusted. Emergency rooms have been overwhelmed with scorched hoo-hoos and retinas alike.

For better or for worse, I can cure what ails you right now. I have sobering--nay, frightening--things to share. OK, just one thing. You can blame one of our own, a Twitarded reader who wanted to share... She saw this and immediately thought of us (I was initially insulted but then flattered - we are a couple of weirdos and we like shit like this when it comes right down to it). I will be totally honest and admit the when I clicked on the link she sent me, I shrieked an involuntary little shriek. Just a tiny one. I forwarded it to JJ and she made such a ruckus that I think the person sitting next to her on the train fled (and you can pretty much do anything on the train and people won't give up their seats. Whip out your toenail clippers and go to town and people will remain stoic - but her reaction to THIS was too much).

Anyway, meet Esme. Or should I say "Esme Cullen Vampire Goddess of Compassion," as some handy crafter over at Etsy imagines her... I am putting the pic here and not linking because, well, to each their own. But really - WTF?!

I sure wish Carlisle had turned me before my 100th birthday...

This is the text from the listing:
My daughter became obsessed with the Twilight saga about a year ago. I wanted to know what all of the excitement was about, so naturally I read them too.

One thing I noticed is that the characters in my mind while reading the books didn't look much like the people who played them in the movie.

So this is what my mental Esme looks like. She is a being of love and compassion, with otherworldly white skin, youthful beauty, and a romantic dress from the time she would have been human.

Her arms are reaching out as if to hold her missing baby.

She became a unique expression of a compassionate being, and the expression of her face, the gesture of her arms, and her demeanor all imply compassion.

Her clothing, hair, and white skin is part regal and part otherworldly.

This is a mixed media one of a kind OOAK art doll. She is 10" tall and made primarily from polymer clay, paper clay, fabric, and vintage handkerchiefs.

Um, I think your daughter is appalled. Just sayin'. Oh and btw if you want this, it's gonna cost you $258. Plus shipping.

Come HERE, Action-Figure Jacob! I want to clutch your rock-hard pecs in my man-hands!

Because I am not SUCH an evil bitch, here's a few choice RPatts pics to ease your pain (and PLEASE will someone make a video of these set to something hot, STAT?!) - oh and just for the record I actually had a dream last night that someone had removed the watermarks from these pics. Because I am THAT obsessed with them! These are two of my favorites (I am hesitant to even put these in the same post with what's-her-name but I'll do it anyway). It should be illegal to be this hot. I don't understand it, I am too old for this shit, blah-blah-blah, but ME WANTEE!!!
[photos removed because LAWYERS SUCK!!!]

If you still need a little more Robward to recover from Creepy Esme, I would suggest checking out RobMusement's latest pic spam post. I just found this blog but apparently a lot of you guys were aware of it already and have been holding out on me. Nice.

36 comments:

  1. WTF is this doll , I can´t stop laughing , thats absurd.

    But as he said , this is Esme as he pictured her , she fall from a cliff in the book , maybe that´s why she´s all twisted and looks like a truck ran over her face .

    Could you imagine if anyone you know bought you this thing for birtday or something ... what would you do ?

    I love your blog girls , you´re the BEST .

    By the way , these pictures of Rob are THE best so far , I think I may be pregnant just to look at it

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  2. That doll would give my daughters nightmares. It looks like it's calling to you. Then it's face will turn to a skeleton and death will eat you. Fuck that.

    Or the lady at the end of the Haunted House ride, saying.. oh shit what does she say..." Hurry baaaccck"
    CREEPY. $258, suck my ass.

    And last those hot ass pics of my husband. How did they get on the net?

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  3. ROTFLMAO! Is that hideous thing Esme Cullen channeling Phyllis Diller?! I am scarred for life.

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  4. When I read Twilight, I certainly did not imagine Esme as Lady Catherine de Bourg a la Judy Dench.

    I'll join you in the lonely blog world. My weekend plans include tending to a friend's yard sale...yippee.

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  5. Wow. That thing takes the notion of creepy to a completely different level! Who the fuck would buy that??

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  6. Z Any Mouse - it's phylis diller or modeled after britney spears weave in her crazy-assed days. Shit that's ugly. I really wonder about the seller's mental health. $258? Fuck me.

    Speaking of fuck me - thanks for the Rob pics.

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  7. @Elaine LOL, Britney only wishes she looked that good!

    JJ & STY, I have been joking about the Twitarded apron, but I saw on another post that someone actually got one?! I've looked on both merch sites, and don't see it. Am I just missing it? I REALLY want one, as I am literally chained to my kitchen. Thanks!

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  8. Here's a link to a vid I made of the photos - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zL1fp6M1DB0
    I'm going to re-do it when the pics are untagged. Enjoy!

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  9. Bwahahahah!!! That doll is too much. I must have this Ancient Esme doll.

    I must have the uber-hot Roblicious, but that's a whole 'nother story...

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  10. Oh my god! That doll is too funny. I'd be scared to put that on the shelf. She'd scare all the other dolls and action figures away. Just because she went over the cliff doesn't mean she has to look like she did. I guess falling just really aged her before she was turned. That would give me nightmares. Imagine waking up and find that thing standing above you.

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  11. Oh my goodness - we've not been abandoned after all - yay!!!

    I am glad that you were all able to tear yourselves away from the smexiest Rob pics I have ever seen... You love us! Really a lot! {{{sniffle...sheds tear...}}}

    : )

    Sorry I had to post that pic - but I couldn't help myself. I had to look at it, and therefore you did, too. I like to share the fugly, what can I say?

    And Phyllis Diller!!! THAT'S who I was trying to think of!!! Totally looks like her - I got wrapped up in that "Madame" doll the guy used to cart around (I remember it vaguely) but it wasn't that at all, it was Phyllis fracking Diller. Awesome!

    Oh and the aprons do indeed exist - they are at Zazzle!
    http://www.zazzle.com/twitarded_girls_bite_apron_apron-154366223247459178
    And this is TMI but I have been reading too much fanfic I guess because whenever I see the apron I always imagine that whoever wears it will be wearing nothing but that. And maybe some heels. Crap I need to get my brain out of the gutter...

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  12. That doll looks more like Esme's grandma than our lovely protagonist.
    What the heck was this artist thinking?

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  13. @STY - that second pic is my desktop right now. even my roommate who doesn't like rob at. all. (i know, inconceivable...) thinks its a hot pic. *sigh*

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  14. When I scrolled down to the photo of the doll, my first thought was that it was Bella begging Edward to change her...at the age of 95. I found out about Robmusements a couple of weeks ago. You must read the Rob Glossary if you haven't already. And if the photos of Rob today aren't schmexy, nothing on earth is!! Sorry but glad you guys didn't leave for town for the weekend - I think everyone else did! Does that mean you'll get some more of those yummy Rob photos displayed? More smartass posts? I'm hoping...

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  15. i found these over at twifan someone made a couple in black and white without the watermarks. thought you would enjoy them http://www.twifans.com/profiles/blogs/mark-segal-bampw-photos-of

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  16. Everyone who posts that first pic of Rob should have a surgeon-general type health warning. You know something on the lines of "Will melt your clothes/panties off in 100 milliseconds or less". *fans self*

    And I won't even comment on the wtf-ness monstrosity that is the Esme doll.

    Now back to the screen licking....

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  17. This will tell you how out of the closet I am in our home. After seeing those pics for the first time I went and found my husband reading the paper and told him "you have to come see the hottest pictures ever taken of Rob Pattinson".

    He came and looked at them and then said "that really does it for you?" I just giggled in response. He's such a good sport.

    I'm going to put on my fanfic pimpin hat for a sec. I just read the first 10 chapters of a story called Elemental by TallulahBelle on fanfiction.net and was blown away. It is insanely original and creative. It's rated M, but lemons must come later because she's actually taking the time to build an incredible story line. Check it out. It only has a couple hundred reviews right now, but it deserves thousands. It has a really cool supernatural (non-vampire) hook.

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  18. Yes, that doll is beautiful. I'm going to order it and place it next to my bed to have it surround me with it's love and goodness.

    Yeahfriggen right. To each his own, whatever creativity floats your boat (hello, I scrapbook.) but that thing would scare small children and some cats.

    This loser is home in pj's and licking the screen of my iCrack over those hot mofo pics. Nom nom nom.

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  19. I'm gonna have nightmares about that fucking doll now. Thanks.

    BTW, those newish pics of RPattz came very close to erasing any and all memories of Kellett. Shhh...don't tell anybody.

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  20. @Tasha - those pics could erase anything and everything from your/my mind - I am sure Kellett understands...

    : )

    what wait huh where am i...

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  21. Vid of today's Rob pics without the tags on the face!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xdcF6Lg0f8
    Much more enjoyable...
    BTW, I may not sleep tonight after seeing that effing doll!

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  22. i think i will buy 100 of these dolls... no! wait wait!! 1000 dolls, no wait wait!!!! 5000 dolls! yesss!!
    aaaaaaa i love doooollllllllllllsssssssss....................mndddddd





    dnfuei beap boooppp

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  23. Ok, thanks for those smoking hot Rob pics because now I don't even remember what the scary doll looks like but I do remember it was fucking scary! I just asked my non-Twi friend if she had ever seen the boy who plays Edward Cullen and she said she had no idea what I'm talking about. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Those new pics are so hot, my breathing starts changes everytime I see them. And by change, I mean it sounds more like panting than breathing!

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  24. Holyfuckballs! What a hoot to see this on your blog!
    Your respose was classic via email and made my staycation moar awesomer.
    Much love!

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  25. "youthful beauty" Whahahahaha.

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  26. STY - I'm stuck in town as well, but I love you all so much that I found a computer at the Seattle Science Center and am checking in on all things Twilight while the kiddies play....... It's not the exact happy place I vacation too, but it's a nice lay over : )

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  27. I was on the train, waiting to get off, standing in a crowded vestibule when I checked out the doll. I started laughing like a banshee and said 'You are one ugly motherfucker'. Then I looked up. Awwwwwwwkward.

    But at least I know what to get my BFF for Christmas! And it ain't gonna be RPattz...

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  28. I collect Living Dead Dolls. Look them up. They're uber-creepy, but I love them. The thing is, they're SUPPOSED to be creepy. This...thing is supposed to be caramel-haired golden-eyed eternally young and beautiful Esme Cullen. Was the artist actually reading Great Expectations and just thought she was reading Twilight? The first thing I thought of when I saw the pic was Miss Havisham because it looks a lot like an old lady wearing a Victorian wedding dress, not something from the 1920's.

    *sighs* My annoyance and creeped-outedness have melted away (along with my panties) at the sight of those Robward pics. Mmmm...schmexy. Me wantee too!!!

    My veri-word is acide! It does look like someone may have thrown some acid on poor Esme, and some serious amounts of peroxide in her hair...

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  29. That Esme pic had my jaw drop and my breathing out in gasps. Ridiculous. But kinda funny.

    But ohhhhhh freaking boy, when I saw those Rob pics on that site!!!!!!!! *sigh* Those EYES!!!...Not to mention everything else about the boy. And thus I have to wonder with you, STY, is it painful for such raw sex to ooze from every pore. Must find out.

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  30. Well this just sucks friggin donkey balls! I get on the interwebs to get my Sunday Rob fix and ALL the hot pictures have disappeared. WTF?
    Give us our sex hair, come hither stare Rob back dammit!

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  31. Oh my goodness - we've not been abandoned after all - yay!!!

    I am glad that you were all able to tear yourselves away from the smexiest Rob pics I have ever seen... You love us! Really a lot! {{{sniffle...sheds tear...}}}

    : )

    Sorry I had to post that pic - but I couldn't help myself. I had to look at it, and therefore you did, too. I like to share the fugly, what can I say?

    And Phyllis Diller!!! THAT'S who I was trying to think of!!! Totally looks like her - I got wrapped up in that "Madame" doll the guy used to cart around (I remember it vaguely) but it wasn't that at all, it was Phyllis fracking Diller. Awesome!

    Oh and the aprons do indeed exist - they are at Zazzle!
    http://www.zazzle.com/twitarded_girls_bite_apron_apron-154366223247459178
    And this is TMI but I have been reading too much fanfic I guess because whenever I see the apron I always imagine that whoever wears it will be wearing nothing but that. And maybe some heels. Crap I need to get my brain out of the gutter...

    ReplyDelete
  32. WTF is this doll , I can´t stop laughing , thats absurd.

    But as he said , this is Esme as he pictured her , she fall from a cliff in the book , maybe that´s why she´s all twisted and looks like a truck ran over her face .

    Could you imagine if anyone you know bought you this thing for birtday or something ... what would you do ?

    I love your blog girls , you´re the BEST .

    By the way , these pictures of Rob are THE best so far , I think I may be pregnant just to look at it

    ReplyDelete
  33. ROTFLMAO! Is that hideous thing Esme Cullen channeling Phyllis Diller?! I am scarred for life.

    ReplyDelete
  34. That doll looks more like Esme's grandma than our lovely protagonist.
    What the heck was this artist thinking?

    ReplyDelete

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