Monday, November 30, 2009

Monday Night, er, Funnies?

Someone call the waaaaahmbulance, quick!

Ugh. So, it's the Monday after a long weekend, which makes this day even more of a kick in the ass than usual. It was with great reluctance and probably a good deal of pouting, cursing and whining that I dragged myself out of bed this morning and went to stupid work. Forget Jerkface - I was full-on Bitchface this morning.

And it all went down hill from there.

Hey, it happens to the best of us, right? I figured it was nothing a few power-naps in the bathroom at work wouldn't cure but somewhere between my feeble attempts at toilet-slumber and having a heated discussion with two Star Wars geeks about who is hotter, Carrie Fisher or Robert Pattinson, I realized I was feeling a little beyond cranky. The culmination of my ire was when they compared the Precious to Susan Boyle. The bastards! Lucky for them they were telecommuting today [fancy-pants name for "sitting-at-home-in-man-slippers-acting-like-I'm-working"] or there would have been a full-on geek fight at the office, replete with fifty-cent words, sardonic quips and Star Wars/Star Trek/Buffy the Vampire Slayer quotes.

Mmmm, yes....

What the fucking fuck?! Gahhhhhhhhh!!!!

I needed something to lighten me up.

There is one sure-fire way to make me laugh and feel better about myself and that's totally mocking the shit out of something else. Because Twitarded is a balls-to-the-walls kinda place where nothing is sacred, not even Twilight gets a free pass when it comes to me wanting to poop on something. Now, we love and adore the saga and the movies as much [and maybe even more] than the next person but every once in awhile it deserves to be raked over the coals. We don't, after all, want the Precious to get a swelled head.

This video was sent to me by Moi from Twigasm, who has the best fucking voice I ever heard over the internet. Anyhoo, she sent this to me like five million years ago and I never bothered to look at it because we are seriously the slowest, laziest twats in the Twi-blogosphere. I saw my little Skype icon at the bottom of my screen every day, bouncing up and down like an excited kid at Christmas, trying to catch my attention so it could show me the coolest thing ever.

Hey! Asshole!! Click me! I'm bouncing for fuck sake. Click me!! Wha- where are you going?! You SUCK, JJ!!

And I totally ignored it. It wasn't on purpose, I swear!! I had every intention of watching it but then something else would start bouncing or flashing or just plain sparkle and... that was all it took.

I am SO disappointed in myself because this is seriously some of the funniest shit I've seen in a looooong time. Even ML laughed, hard, [and possibly farted because we share that same issue] and he never, EVER laughs at this stuff because he's secretly afraid that we're all insane and this is a cult. This is called Rifftrax and it's done by the dudes who used to do MST3K, which used to make me pee a little from laughing so hard.

But wait! Still feeling cranky? Video not mean enough? It gets better [and this post is getting ridiculously long, I apologize]!! Check out the link to this article.

Um, prior to Twilight I spent an obscene amount of time on They make any insult I might attempt to hurl sound like a fucking compliment. Not tempted? Here are a few "teasers"...

Three hundred pages after "Oh, you like me too? No way, I thought you hated me!", the plot arrives late to the party, drunk, in a beat-up '53 Chevy pick-up truck. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the series.

Discussing Edward's suicide attempt in Volterra...

Since sunlight doesn't actually harm Twilight vampires, one must assume that Edward is hoping some macho Italians will see him in at full sparkle and beat him to death for being gay.

Okay, Imma stop now before I get myself in trouble. Clearly, the crankypants are giving me camel toe or something and I probably should step away from the computer.

But, before I go - wanna know one more thing that makes me super duper goopy-gushy happy?

This guy.


  1. that was fucking hilarious! Once again Twitarded has me laughing hysterically while sitting alone in my living room. Thank you girls because I too have been cranky today

  2. That is fucking fantastic! I always loved MST3K, and that did not disappoint! Thank you for posting that, it made my day so much better. Although now I'm going to have to pay for the whole thing, because I have to see the rest!

  3. The S/O watched and laughed hysterically with me! Thanks... I'm sitting on my bed looking up plants for work, and that was a nice chuckle:)

  4. oh dear god, I LOVE YOU! I was having a pooptastic Monday as well and I'm SO glad you opened that video. I was laughing so loud my little boy came downstairs and said "oh no! What's wrong, mama?!" ROFL!

  5. Aw I love those MST3k guys!! I can't wait to get to a real computer so I can watch this. And I don't care what kind of day I've had, you have definitely found the cure with those two pics! Mmmmmmmm


  6. LLlllllllaadddiiiiesssssss......
    HA! Thanks for sharing. I too had a shitty Monday. This was fan-fucking-tastic brillant.

    vw - mitefu - I mite have said fu to a few people today.

  7. Mondays suck, and it seems like yours had an extra scoop of shit with a rotten cherry on top. Hope tomorrow finds you in a more pleasant mood....but then again, I am going to miss "Bitchface" she is effing hilarious!

    Great video....I'm still recovering!

  8. My day was dreadful, as well, so thank you for my first laugh of the day. I love Twitarded. Best parts of the video: 1:24 "Llllllllladies," 6:59 the singing, and 9:41--yeah, why doesn't anyone ever talk about Rob & Taylor's chemistry?!?

  9. You know, JJ, I read your babble and I'm sure there's a point somewhere... and then you post bearded Rob and I just don't give a shit where you were going with that. Thank you for my Monday face-burn fantasies...

  10. I too had a crappy Monday. My internet is too fawking slow to wait for the funnies so that'll have to wait for tomorrow. I'm off to bed now, BLESS YOUR precious little fingers for posting the pics that are going to make my Monday night SOOOOO much better than my day.
    Mmmmm. What I wouldn't do to stroke that jaw.....

  11. This was freakin' hilarious! Why did I not see a Benny Hill chase sequence in Edward's running up the mountain before??? It's perfect!!!

    "You can't go home...Thomas Wolfe said so." snorfle!!

    Even the review of the books on They had Breaking Dawn DOWN! Now, I know why I didn't like that book and why I dread it being made into a movie!!!

    (ducks and runs from maniacal fangirls)

    Thank you once again, Ladies, for making an otherwise dreary, grey, cold and depressing November Monday full of "sparkle"! LMAO!

  12. That is definitely in the top 5 Twilight videos ever. "Line... line... line......." TOTAL WIN!! That is exactly what was going on during that car scene. Love the words they set to the lullaby - I might have to learn them so I can sing along. I had to work on Friday so I understand the grumpiness. Sad to say I was in a similar mood on New Moon premier day. Had the worst experience ever!!! But I've seen it three more times since so I've recovered. One piece of advice for you, JJ, always trust & follow recommendations of the gals at Twigasm. Especially Moi who can "Ungh" like nobody's business. I made the mistake of listening to her at work the first time. I had to put a stop to all Twi-smut related materials at work right then. Awkward... Hope your tomorrow is better!!

  13. Bwhahahahahaha this post is all kinds of WIN. Hilarious!!! I tried to get DH to watch but I think he also believes im in a cult and he wouldnt humor me. Heh, his loss... So you ladies wanna go see NM a fourth time with me *bats eyelashes* im in joisey ;)

  14. Llllllllladies. HI-larious! OMG! I started to cry from laughing so hard! Where's my credit card so I can download the rest?? *searches purse*
    Thanks for brightening up my crappy, 9-hour-workday Monday. Love Twitarded, love you guys.

  15. I love Jenny"Bitchface" almost as much as the regular JJ!

    Cracked was f'n hilarious!!! They're so funny. I'll be back there for more.

    The video was SO funny. I loved the words to that crappy version of Bella's Lullaby (there's a better one out there).

    I, too, needed a cheer up and that second pic of Rob put a naughty little grin on my face that I tried to hide before the fam got too suspicious. ;)

  16. wahoo. needed a good laugh b4 bed!
    "MetroPire" "i want to chop into your throat (to bella's lullaby)" thnx - i may have to watch it on tuesday..maybe extra cranky then!

  17. Because of some bullshit routine maintenance, youtube has cock blocked me from seeing these videos that are clearly hilarious...based on the comments! SHIT! I shall try again tomorrow...

  18. Thanks!! I needed a pick me up. I went to the grocery store today and picked up the Vanity Fair with gorgeous Rob on the cover, the checker put it off to the side as to not get it mixed up with the other stuff. When I got home.. no magazine, the idiot fucking bagger forgot to bag it...FML

  19. i can't believe it took you this long to watch this! it is sooo worth paying the $1 to download it from rifftrax and watch the entire film. i literally laughed the entire time. now if they could just mesh this with rob's commentary.

  20. Oh my goodness! That video was all kinds of
    "He guys, don't go chasing those"
    "You're gonna turn her in to Keith Richards"
    and the cherry on top Bella's Lullaby Remix!!
    Nothing like a goooood chuckle before bed!....ok well maybe a few things beat out a good chuckle...
    Thanks for this gem JJ!

  21. at work here, and i think i hurt something keeping the laughter in. my god. benny hill rocks. i may have to go get the whole thing now. way too funny. hope your tuesday gets better.

  22. Sorry you had a shitty day JJ, I'm sort of glad though, because otherwise you wouldn't have come up with a post that cheered everyone else up so much muahahaa! Oh, except that it made me grouchy again because it's morning here and the kids keep interrupting to ask for their breakfast. Honestly, do they really think that's my priority? ;o). Oh, and my 4yr old told me last night after he discovered my Twilight plasters and pen, that I need to stop buying Rob stuff cos there won't be any left for anyone else. Cheeky little so & so *tut*

  23. Oh, and the Su-Bo comment reminded me, they were discussing on Radio 1 last week whether Rob looks like a Naan bread. The scray thing is that I can see where they're coming from :oS

  24. WTF-The gorgeous one looks like SuBo and a naan bread????? I'm beyond flabbergasted, he is the most gorgeous man ever. I can't believe anyone can compare.
    @Jenny-I had the day from hell yesterday too which was not eased by having to climb into my car this morning from the passenger side as the drivers door was frozen shut and I had a near miss with the gear stick and the handbrake. Never fancied being spit roasted(hmmm maybe Rob & Kellan,blame fanfic)so it was close. Hobbit not made appearence today either, no message or anything maybe he is trapped down a well. He looks kinda troll like too.
    I am struggling with this post New Moon, pre Remember Me drought, I feel my impetus is leaving me.
    Mind you I was helped out enormously by the truely awesome Rob Patt Xmas card my friend sent me. Hubtard went ballistic haha, had to soothe furrowed brow, he kept saying oh so its not the books or the stories you like, its HIM. God I felt like an adulteress and I haven't even had the pleasure of shagging Robs brains out. So now the card is in the shrine, I mean my office where I can gaze upon him now on pretty much every wall of my office.
    Hobbit doesn't approve but do I give a fuck, mwahahaha no, he's just jealous!
    Shakes head at SuBo & Naan references. What is happening here?

  25. OMFG-I just watched that vid, locked the door to my office and ignored the phone, do you think I'll get caught-do I fucking care-
    Benny Hill, so great a choice for the running up hill scene. This had me howling and while I kinda resent the piss being taken out of the young man I want to corrupt I couldn't help but laugh.
    Where's my spoon I want to make myself sick on marshmallowy goodness!!! That or lemme just eat Rob till the cows come home.

    Word verif-Flumy-Rob you make my tummy go flumy when I look at you (said in tone of voice for Ferris Bueller you're my hero)


    I've watched it a billion times and I still laugh my ass off

    'no you put your seat belt on..'

    Line. Line. Line

  27. wooooah! Jerkface you're freaking me out!

    I have a Beardy-Rob-Of-Joy post all ready for tonight on Twipnotized! It's like a late Birthday Present for you :)

    Would have done it Sunday but I left the many hours of searching for beardy rob pics on my work pc last friday dammit!

    (yes that means those many hours searching for Beardy Rob pics were actually at work)

    Spooky. It's like we share the same brain but you got all the best bits of it.

    Will post it tonight. xx

  28. That was somewhat misrepresented - the debate was to highlight that my unhealthy obsession with Carrie Fisher (back in the day CF) was equal to your with RPattz, yet I get labelled a Stars Wars geek and you ladies are just...well...intersted in some fine young gentlemen. I am not calling anyone a geek for it.

    The comparison to Susan Boyle was just to light up JJ - a hobby of ours. I'd compare him to dog poop if it means I get to see JJ go off on a rant.

    Lastly, the "work from home" term you are looking for is "Porky-Pigging". I wear a blazer, and a bowtie. Enjoy that nightmare.


  29. Thanks so much for posting that, I am home with a cold.
    I can hardly breathe through my nose..let alone trying to laugh while breathing and not peeing.
    I love that human beings have such twisted senses of humor.
    Fav part- the words to bella's lullaby.

    wv-tabeati- a previously unknown Lebanese side dish.

  30. OMG, thank you! My shitty Monday got worse after I got home to a cranky hubby. Not good. Had to take a break this am from reading 200 pages of federal election law to sneak over and see whatcha got cookn over heya. I think I may have pulled a stomach muscle from laughing so hard! Thank you!!!!!

    word verification: aingil, what I am not

  31. Thanks so much for that JJ! Hope you have a better Tuesday!!
    Have only been able to check out ( I have literally spent all day following their links too)... Work comps have all sound blocked, but can't wait to check out vid as I love - and miss - MST3k!!! Yeah, shame on me for never seeing that before either!

    The article/s are so funny - I also can't believe I had never seen/read the Lost Twilight script....

    On another note....All the Breaking Dawn debates are starting up now - No movie? Do movie? But in one part or two? What do you all think?!

  32. Hilarious video. The Benny Hill song during the super fast piggy-back ride and "Paul from the Wonder Years could fight you off" made laugh out loud and I may have tinkled a little.

    Susan Boyle creeps me out. She is the old lady who bakes arsenic laced cookies for all the neighborhood children. The parents of the dead children would then tell the cops, "She kept to herself a lot. We thought she was just a kind, lonely old woman who loved children and baked goods."

  33. @Twi_chic- no no they have to do a movie, but Jelena was saying that she saw somewhere that Ed & Bells get married in Eclipse. I'm not gonna be happy if they start fucking with the order of things. I mean he didn't ask her to get married like that, he asks her in bed (hm parallel universe-Rob ASKS me to get married in bed)(in my mind)

    I thought they had decided they were doing the film anyway? They should do 2 films cos there is so much to fit in especially if they cut shit loads out of eclipse.

    Ugh, I'm becoming disenchanted with the films, the only thing I look forward to is Rob, in his hanging low, gravity defying, lets show everything but my knob pants.
    I seriously think that the knob has got to make an appearence, they could slip it in (heh heh) while he is getting changed, a sort of oops where are my pants, I've dropped my towel, oh dear look at this laaaaaadies.
    Ok its cheesy (not the knob) but it would make my fucking Christmas.

    Oh yes I've remembered where I was going with this, sort of; as some of you may realise I have my own shrine to Rob/my office and most of the old sick and needy don't know who he is and take no notice of his happy smiling face adorning the walls soooooo I was somewhat taken aback by a young MAN stepping into my orifice sorry office to collect paperwork asking me if I like Robert pattinson (not Edward). I held my chin high, yes I said I think he is a fine actor and thespian (as well as sex on fucking legs my good man). He said don't you like that Taylor/Jacob person? To whit I replied no he is a little young at 17 I would feel I was bordering on paedophilia at least this fine gentleman here (pointing at Rob) is 23 and indeed eligible. He looks me in the eye, smiles and says so am I.
    Fuck me, I mean this lad was tall, slim, floppy hair, not Rob but you know me, just for a second he was him lol (hallucinations eh!)I blushed, nay stuttered, said here's your paperwork and almost shoved him out of the room. I think these 20 somethings have been reading up on cougars.

    Well it made my fucking day haha!!

    Word verif- weeklisc - I go weeklisc at the knees when imagining Rob on his knees hehe

  34. LOVE you fabulous women!!! I have not laughed so hard in so long. "Line....Line!" and metropire. Those mst3k guys are brilliant. And!!! Anyone watch 30Rock? "I'm lizzing!!!"

    Please please keep up the snarky good work!!! Don't worry, it doesn't undermine your fan cred. I think it makes you a cooler fan. :) And SO much fun to read!!

  35. I LOVE laughing at the Precious! THANK YOU! Off to pick up the kiddos from school :-)

  36. I didn't even get to clicking on the video or the cracked link - but somehow managed to spit rice and beans all over my keyboard when reading about Italians seeing Him sparkle and beating him to death for being gay. WTF LMFAO. Oh... I needed that. Now I will finish lunch before watching/reading the related links. Fantastic.

  37. Oh,Nibble-it, I love your story: The Cougar and the Office Boy"........doing a little research for fanfic???


  38. That was amazing. I am still laughing.

    LMFAO...VW = Whordide...
    Oh shit...I was just trying to get some - and then that whordide.

  39. Ok, so funny, but it had me cringing internally! I def could never let Mr. E see this- he would never let me live it down! Yes, I'm internalizing it and feeling "very protective" of Robward.

  40. Thank you. I needed to laugh today. Plus the bonus of Scruffward was wonderful.

  41. Every once in awhile I find something that is anti-Twilight and wonder if maybe I shouldn't post it... but then I do anyway.

    Glad you like!! I swear to shit that video slayed me. I was crying!!

    I'm also supremely pleased that my bitchy mood helped some of you other bitches get out of your, er, bitchy mood.


  42. I saw that a while ago--freakin' hysterical. I love that we can make fun of it all...if we couldn't then I think I might get a little scared.

    Mmmmmmmm. Thanks again for the oh so gratuitous posting of Beardy Rob JJ.....damn I never tire of it, EVER.

  43. One of my fanfic bloggy friends turned me on to MST3K just a few months back, and last night another Twifreak sent me the link to Rifftrax for Twilight. I'm so buying it, and will finally be able to watch Twilight with the men-folk and other Twilight haters who mean so much to me during the holidays. I'll actually enjoy tearing it apart with them, while simultaneously laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. I don't care how much they hate on it... even during the mocking, I'll somehow have gotten the naysayers to at least watch Twilight with me, and that in itself is victory, har har.

  44. new moon movie of twilight saga is outstanding ! enjoyed a lot watching twilight new moon !!

  45. oh dear god, I LOVE YOU! I was having a pooptastic Monday as well and I'm SO glad you opened that video. I was laughing so loud my little boy came downstairs and said "oh no! What's wrong, mama?!" ROFL!


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