Ugh. So, it's the Monday after a long weekend, which makes this day even more of a kick in the ass than usual. It was with great reluctance and probably a good deal of pouting, cursing and whining that I dragged myself out of bed this morning and went to stupid work. Forget Jerkface - I was full-on Bitchface this morning.
And it all went down hill from there.
Hey, it happens to the best of us, right? I figured it was nothing a few power-naps in the bathroom at work wouldn't cure but somewhere between my feeble attempts at toilet-slumber and having a heated discussion with two Star Wars geeks about who is hotter, Carrie Fisher or Robert Pattinson, I realized I was feeling a little beyond cranky. The culmination of my ire was when they compared the Precious to Susan Boyle. The bastards! Lucky for them they were telecommuting today [fancy-pants name for "sitting-at-home-in-man-slippers-acting-like-I'm-working"] or there would have been a full-on geek fight at the office, replete with fifty-cent words, sardonic quips and Star Wars/Star Trek/Buffy the Vampire Slayer quotes.
I needed something to lighten me up.
There is one sure-fire way to make me laugh and feel better about myself and that's totally mocking the shit out of something else. Because Twitarded is a balls-to-the-walls kinda place where nothing is sacred, not even Twilight gets a free pass when it comes to me wanting to poop on something. Now, we love and adore the saga and the movies as much [and maybe even more] than the next person but every once in awhile it deserves to be raked over the coals. We don't, after all, want the Precious to get a swelled head.
This video was sent to me by Moi from Twigasm, who has the best fucking voice I ever heard over the internet. Anyhoo, she sent this to me like five million years ago and I never bothered to look at it because we are seriously the slowest, laziest twats in the Twi-blogosphere. I saw my little Skype icon at the bottom of my screen every day, bouncing up and down like an excited kid at Christmas, trying to catch my attention so it could show me the coolest thing ever.
Hey! Asshole!! Click me! I'm bouncing for fuck sake. Click me!! Wha- where are you going?! You SUCK, JJ!!
And I totally ignored it. It wasn't on purpose, I swear!! I had every intention of watching it but then something else would start bouncing or flashing or just plain sparkle and... that was all it took.
I am SO disappointed in myself because this is seriously some of the funniest shit I've seen in a looooong time. Even ML laughed, hard, [and possibly farted because we share that same issue] and he never, EVER laughs at this stuff because he's secretly afraid that we're all insane and this is a cult. This is called Rifftrax and it's done by the dudes who used to do MST3K, which used to make me pee a little from laughing so hard.
But wait! Still feeling cranky? Video not mean enough? It gets better [and this post is getting ridiculously long, I apologize]!! Check out the link to this Cracked.com article.
Um, prior to Twilight I spent an obscene amount of time on Cracked.com. They make any insult I might attempt to hurl sound like a fucking compliment. Not tempted? Here are a few "teasers"...
Three hundred pages after "Oh, you like me too? No way, I thought you hated me!", the plot arrives late to the party, drunk, in a beat-up '53 Chevy pick-up truck. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the series.
Discussing Edward's suicide attempt in Volterra...
Since sunlight doesn't actually harm Twilight vampires, one must assume that Edward is hoping some macho Italians will see him in at full sparkle and beat him to death for being gay.
Okay, Imma stop now before I get myself in trouble. Clearly, the crankypants are giving me camel toe or something and I probably should step away from the computer.
But, before I go - wanna know one more thing that makes me super duper goopy-gushy happy?