Sunday, August 1, 2010

Dear Robert Pattinson: I Believe You Need a New Disguise.

You all know how much I love RPattz, right? I mean, I totally love him in a I-don't-know-you-and-you-could-be-an-idiot-but-you're-pretty-and-I-want-to-fuck-you-anyway kind of way. But I also love him like a mama bear loves her cubs. I feel very... protective of him. Which is probably why I recently stated that I want to apply to be his new blowjob provider bodyguard.

I'm so sad because something is very wrong... I feel so exposed... I need more protection. What? Latchkey Wife wants to protect me? That is so fucking cool. That slut rocks. And she has mad ninja skills.

And because of my deep, protective feelings for this young man, I feel like it's my duty, my job if you will, to tell him when he's doing something wrong. Something that I feel is detrimental to his well being. Something that could get him hurt, or worse. What would happen to the Twidom if something horrible were to happen to the precious? {{shivers}} I can't even think about it without getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

This is why I feel I owe it to RPattz to let him know that his fucking "disguise" - the Ray Bans and the black and yellow LB hat - is just not cutting it anymore. I know the guy probably doesn't have a huge walk-in closet full of clothes and hats and shit at his disposal since I'm fairly certain he lives out of a suitcase...but he needs to do something.

I know, you didn't notice his hat and sunglasses either did you? I had to look at this photo at least 9 times before I noticed. Yes, you're eyes are drawn right to his head, just not that one. And thanks Jenny Jerkface for all the vivid imagery I now have in my brain with regards to this picture!

Ever since that horrifying story surfaced last week with those bottom-feeder paparazzi harassing my poor preh-tay, I've truly been frightened for his safety. I can't even barely look at any of the photos except mistakenly, horror movie-style through my fingers, and forget about watching the video. No way! But seriously dude, you wear that same hat all. the fucking. time! They're looking for the hat. You can no longer hide under that hat!

Do I really need to send you a new hat? If so, have your people contact my people and I can totally hook you up. I'd love nothing more to see you in a uber sexy Red Sox cap - especially after you tortured my Sox-loving soul by wearing that Yankees hat last summer. (And I may or may not have searched high and low for said Yankees cap for my husband who just happens to be a fan. Of the Yankees. Not you. Sorry.)

Where can I find this hat? I need to have this hat! My husband needs to have this hat! (Not that it'll make him look even remotely like RPattz, but still, I need for him to wear this hat! Especially in bed.)

And maybe invest in a new pair of sunglasses too. I'm sure that after you successfully revived the Ray Ban Wayfarers from their 20+ year slumber, there are tons of sunglasses companies that are just dying for you to wear their shizz. Believe me, it's not something that I want you to have to do because honestly, you do look fucking sexirific with those shades on, but like I said, it's all about your safety.

Different hat... same sunglasses. Dude, change it up a bit. Maybe wear old-fashioned aviator goggles and a cowboy hat or some shit like that. Make it a little difficult to get noticed...

I'm not sure why all the sudden I feel likes it's my duty to make sure Rob is safe... maybe it's because he just seems so incapable of keeping himself out of harm's way. And I still don't think he's mastered the art of undetected escape. I sorta think he needs some practice. Oh my gawd, I have the perfect idea. Oh, it's fucking brilliant... let's invite him to Forks in October and he can spend four days trying to elude 100 (or so) horny Twitards. [See JJ's note below.] Dude, by the time he makes it back to LA, he'll be able to shake a group of angry, camera-wielding paps like fucking Batman! Gawd, I'm a fucking genius.

[Note from JJ: Holy shit, the Foooorks trip could totally be like a basic training of sorts for RPattz!! If he can manage to elude all of us for four days he will NEVER have another stressful run-in with the paps!! We could, like, train him!! Give him tips on how to wear disguises, show him how to dodge deftly into dark alleyways and into coffee shops or some shit. We'd make him a total ninja!! Or we'd just try to jump his bones and/or possibly shit our pants.]


  1. I've said this before, but if I were Rob, I would SO show up in FORRRRKSSS. If I were uber famous & knew that a group of non-teen (read - won't shreek ear splitting screams when I arrive) fans would be gathering, I would so surprise them. I would love to to something cool like that for my fans - guess that's why I'm nobody.

  2. Bwahaha forks is so small he'd never be able to aviod us all. It would be fun searching the town for him. Hmmmm

  3. Who the hell is Robert Pattinson? Just kidding. I'd blow, I mean guard him, too, if I were you.

  4. I agree and disagree with you... sure Rob could find different disguises and try to hide better OR he could just do what Kellan does, wear the same thing all the time LOL. They cant sell pics if they all look the same :)

    Oh and if I were to go to FOOORKS and Rob happened to be there I couldnt promise to not scream like a preteen girl. I am very good at it among other things ;)

  5. JJ, you know I loves you darlin, but I am REALLY hoping that the jump his bones AND shit one's pants combination does not actually happen. Sounds messy, and likely to prevent any future bone-jumping encounters. Just sayin'.

    But really, Rob, if you read this, LKW is right. Would you like me to get you a Terps hat? I can arrange that. And come to FOOOORRRKKKSS for basic training, it'll be awesome! And I promise no pants-shitting. Except from JJ, all bets are off with her.

  6. Dude, I soooo second the red sox hat idea... I'd buy him the hat and send it to him (though it may or may not have a note requesting a picture of him wearing the hat... ONLY the hat...)

    *walks away*

  7. We would totally show him a good time in FFFOOORRRKKSS...and by good time I of course mean throw ourselves shamelessly at him.

    But you're right could train him to dodge the paps...but we're gonna need a montage...

  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

  10. Holy fuck I'm a retard. let's try that again. Clearly when perusing the *greenpants* pics on this page my mind is slightly vacant...

    @kassiecullen: Love the theory of the Precious duping the paps by wearing the same thing all the time...

    BUT, I have a sneaking suspicion he may already be an assault to the olfactory system, and this could worsen that particular offence. Probly best not to encourage said behaviour! Just sayin'.

  11. great minds think alike, last week after seeing the heartbreaking video I totally sent an email to his jorts wearing agent asking if he was allergic to anything (other than vaginas of course) cause I want to knit him a new hat! I haven't gotten a response yet and probably wont lol, so I'm going to go all psycho fan girl and knit 2 caps, one all natural and one acrylic blends - just in case.He need a beanie with fuckin love in every stitch...
    No, he's not allowed to go to FOOOOOORKS cause I couldn't scrape together the fundage to get there because having 4 kids is totally crimping my Twi-budget, best I could do was get tix to see 100 monkeys in MI at the end of the month so I can go drool in public at the lesser of the two hotnesses..(Hello Jackson, you are today's consolation prize!)
    On the other hand though, if he did show up in Forks and the paps followed him I think that many twitards en-force would totally scare them off him for a few months at least, and probably scar them for life and force them into a safer profession, like shark diving...

  12. 'We'd make him a total ninja!! Or we'd just try to jump his bones and/or possibly shit our pants.'

    JJ I totally love you xx

  13. "and/or possibly shit our pants." Howling over here! Great post LK and great note JJ!

  14. I think you're forgetting that he's already had training to fight a newborn aaaahmy. He knows how to deal with masses of crazed beasts who are only hungry for one thing. Actually, he might go all Manchurian Candidate & start smashing heads.

  15. I would much rather see him in a Red Sox hat. Phillies would be preferable, but if I had to choose between Bosox and Spankees, it's a no-brainer.

    And I still think he would hear some shrieks if he showed up in FOOORRKKSS!!. Just not as many.

    Oh, and @TK totally has it right. He didn't go through all of that newborn ahhhmy training for nothing! He's got some skillz!

  16. I am willing, if I had to, to wrap myself around his face so no one would be able to see his bee-u-tiful-ness. It would be a huge sacrifice but I am willing to do it if it keeps him, and sparkle peen, safe.

    But NO COWBOY HAT! I live in WY and have to see that shit everyday.

  17. I totally agree with you LKW, our precious def needs a new disguise! He is way to hot to NOT be noticed out and about on the town. I took my chances and watched the video of the sick paps attacking and badgering Rob and it was disgusting and I wanted to serioulsy fucking headpunch the police who didn't do a thing when he asked them to!!!

    I am not, however, in agreement that he should go to Forks with you ladies as I will not be there! :( My better idea is that he just comes to Maine where a bunch of rednecks and herring-chokers can teach how to Maine style beat the shit out of the paps!

  18. I personally think he should just start wearing this all the time:

    It's a win-win.

    Or if that fails...well I am with @Drgnflygrl...I will gladly wrap my self around him at all times..I can be creative with my positioning. :P

  19. @VitaminR - I want to see you in that hat!

    WV- econja -- Edward Cullen,ninja

  20. Oh LKW, I am all for the Red Sox hat idea.. that would be absolutely perfect *le sigh*
    <3, a fellow New England Twitard : )

  21. Dear Rob,

    If you are at all planning on visiting the 100-ish Twitards in Forks please burn this number into your brain before hand: 9-1-1. Srsly, you'll be lucky to make it out of Forks with your peen intact. Or you can just call me and I'll come save you. *wink and a nod*


    WV: graspi - All of the Twitards will be gettin' graspi with your peen.


Comments are our life now. Leave one!