Or maybe this:
Trust me, we know what the rest of the country thinks of us - we're the toxic swampland, the armpit of America, we're just one gigantic industrial sprawl along the turnpike and we talk funny.
Well, that last part is kind of true. [Note from STY: Speak for yourself.]
My point is, we all pretty much know what is said about us but the fact of the matter is, it's not all entirely true. If you don't believe me, look up our motto.
Oops, wrong one. I meant this one:
The fact that this is the only decent picture I could find that combined "New Jersey" and "Garden state" speaks volumes...
Sure, we might be a small state and we may or may not be packed in here (we are the most densely populated state in the US) like a bunch of disgruntled, highly-opinionated, douchy McDoucherson rats but this state is very beautiful. We still have a few farms left, not mention beaches and mountains and lakes and all that jazz. We also have more horses per capita than Kentucky - or any other state - and are the largest blueberry and cranberry producers in the world... um but that's boring...
Every once in awhile I have a conversation with someone about some kind of wildlife/outdoorsy experience I had (like the time I hid in a car while a mother black bear and her two cubs defiled my campsite ten feet away) and that person will be all, "Oh! I didn't know New Jersey wasn't just some steaming pile of blacktop-covered shit!"
So, yes. We have wildlife. Because we are a tiny state, the wildlife and the
OMFG, it's a wild guido!!! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN FOR YOU LIFE!!!
Most of you have been reading this blog long enough to know that I've had my fair share of random animal...interactions these past few years, whether it be the deer who wait patiently for ML to leave so they can raid our garden or a bat who decided he wanted to take a wee nap inside our house.
And for the most part, I'm pretty okay with that. As long as it's not trying eat my face for a snack, I'm cool.
Until Shelob and Goliath took up residence.
For some reason, the town STY and I live in has a shitload of spiders (read her own story HERE). We also seem to have some kind of weird gelatinous pink film that grows in everyone's showers but that's for another post.
It's really stubborn and hard to get rid of!
NOTE - For those of you who thanked STY for NOT putting up pictures of spiders...er, yeah. Spiders.
Shelob was the first to take up residence. She decided to weave her web between our garden posts and a tree, which is fine as long as you remember that it's there and don't walk into it and end up shrieking and flailing around the backyard like a fucking hippie on a bad acid trip.
Shelob. If you want a size reference, she's the size of a silver dollar.
Goliath, on the other hand, was apparently a more urban kind of spider and took up residence on our porch. He hung around the corner for about week and then, when we weren't home, he must have decided to expand his domicile... across the entrance of our porch.
Goliath. He's piss-in-your-pants-and-weep big.
Naturally, we didn't know about this until I went trucking up the porch steps after dark and found myself covered in a thick web from head to kneecaps. My neighbors looked on in horror as I screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs, flung myself around the porch and started removing my clothes as I was screaming at ML, "GET THE MOTHERFUCKING SPIDER OFF ME BEFORE IT EATS MY BRAIN!!! GODDAMN IT GET IT THE MOTHER FUCKING DOG SHITTING ASS FUCKING OFF OF ME!!!!"
By the way, these are our new neighbors. ML just stood there and tried to pretend he had no idea why some woman was having a violent, profanity-laced seizure on his porch.
Needless to say, there is a reason why there will only be one picture of Goliath. Let's just say he's been relocated.
ML totally dumped him in our neighbors backyard after they ran inside.
Welcome to the neighborhood.