Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Great Outdoors...Jersey Style

For the most part, when people think of New Jersey, they tend to think of something like this:

 Or maybe this:

Trust me, we know what the rest of the country thinks of us - we're the toxic swampland, the armpit of America, we're just one gigantic industrial sprawl along the turnpike and we talk funny.

Well, that last part is kind of true. [Note from STY: Speak for yourself.]

My point is, we all pretty much know what is said about us but the fact of the matter is, it's not all entirely true. If you don't believe me, look up our motto.

Oops, wrong one. I meant this one:

The fact that this is the only decent picture I could find that combined "New Jersey" and "Garden state" speaks volumes...

Sure, we might be a small state and we may or may not be packed in here (we are the most densely populated state in the US) like a bunch of disgruntled, highly-opinionated, douchy McDoucherson rats but this state is very beautiful. We still have a few farms left, not mention beaches and mountains and lakes and all that jazz. We also have more horses per capita than Kentucky - or any other state - and are the largest blueberry and cranberry producers in the world... um but that's boring...

Every once in awhile I have a conversation with someone about some kind of wildlife/outdoorsy experience I had (like the time I hid in a car while a mother black bear and her two cubs defiled my campsite ten feet away) and that person will be all, "Oh! I didn't know New Jersey wasn't just some steaming pile of blacktop-covered shit!"

So, yes. We have wildlife. Because we are a tiny state, the wildlife and the good citizens of NJ often find themselves running into each other. Sometimes it's okay, sometimes it's totally terrifying.


Most of you have been reading this blog long enough to know that I've had my fair share of random animal...interactions these past few years, whether it be the deer who wait patiently for ML to leave so they can raid our garden or a bat who decided he wanted to take a wee nap inside our house.

And for the most part, I'm pretty okay with that. As long as it's not trying eat my face for a snack, I'm cool.

Until Shelob and Goliath took up residence.

For some reason, the town STY and I live in has a shitload of spiders (read her own story HERE). We also seem to have some kind of weird gelatinous pink film that grows in everyone's showers but that's for another post.

It's really stubborn and hard to get rid of!

NOTE - For those of you who thanked STY for NOT putting up pictures of, yeah. Spiders.

Shelob was the first to take up residence. She decided to weave her web between our garden posts and a tree, which is fine as long as you remember that it's there and don't walk into it and end up shrieking and flailing around the backyard like a fucking hippie on a bad acid trip.

 Shelob. If you want a size reference, she's the size of a silver dollar.

Goliath, on the other hand, was apparently a more urban kind of spider and took up residence on our porch. He hung around the corner for about week and then, when we weren't home, he must have decided to expand his domicile... across the entrance of our porch.

 Goliath. He's piss-in-your-pants-and-weep big.

Naturally, we didn't know about this until I went trucking up the porch steps after dark and found myself covered in a thick web from head to kneecaps. My neighbors looked on in horror as I screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs, flung myself around the porch and started removing my clothes as I was screaming at ML, "GET THE MOTHERFUCKING SPIDER OFF ME BEFORE IT EATS MY BRAIN!!! GODDAMN IT GET IT THE MOTHER FUCKING DOG SHITTING ASS FUCKING OFF OF ME!!!!"

By the way, these are our new neighbors. ML just stood there and tried to pretend he had no idea why some woman was having a violent, profanity-laced seizure on his porch.

Needless to say, there is a reason why there will only be one picture of Goliath. Let's just say he's been relocated.

ML totally dumped him in our neighbors backyard after they ran inside.

Welcome to the neighborhood.


  1. We get these ones the we call cat spiders--don't know if that is correct. But they are tan looking, have black spot and have a big butt. They make some wicked webs by the light to catch their prey. Help me...

    We also have the hobo spider--no joke--aka brown reluce? spider, if they bite you, you better be getting yourself the the ER.
    Black widows, daddy long leggs, and whatever else in the 8-legged family.
    My one Rotty, Teddy, if you said, "where's the bug?", she'd look up at the ceiling. If she saw a spider on the floor, she'd lick it and spit it out. I think she'd even eat them. YUCK!
    In a couple more weeks the stink bugs will be out. YAY!

  2. Those are serious spiders. And I flove the names. Shelob! Yay LotR reference! No shit though, those suckers were pretty big. For all you know, your neighbors planted them there to spy on you. They're a new breed, with CIA spy capabilities in their asses. Be careful what you say.

    Good thing...They eat bugs that are comparable in size to themselves. I'm more afraid of bugs that are that big and come flying at me, than I am of creatures that want to eat them and keep them out of my space.

  3. @rotty mama - Blech. Brown Recluse. Those fuckers lurk around here and scare me. Because they can fuck shit up.

    @LindsayRae - We are a 99% no-kill kinda place, no matter what (unless you're a 'squito, then you're fucking dead). But holy shit, those spiders freak me out.

  4. Since reading yours and STY's posts about spiders they have started to invade my house. I jumped out of the shower with shampoo in my hair and yelled for someone to come kill it. Dad came to the rescue and killed. (and yes...I still live at home with my parents)

  5. I think we should have an Arachnaphobia viewing in Forks! Killer spiders, John Goodman as the bugman. Doesn't get much better than that!

  6. Since moving to Missouri I live in fear on a daily basis. There are bugs here I have never seen before...Spiders are everywhere. I have killed several on my body. My mind stays awake enough to stay in ninja mode to kill the ones that crawl on me during my sleep. At least it did the two times I woke and smash one of my face and then my arm in the same night. I stayed awake in a lawn chair staring at my husband in bed. In fear.

    We had a spider in the bathroom half the size of my hand. I am pretty sure she chased me the few times I went in. She would be chilling in the corner and suddenly when I would look up she is halfway crawling toward the shower. Or the day she slid down her web string and basically stared me down several inches from my face. No lie. Finally convinced the husband to get her. I keep thinking she will pop up in the bathroom again ready to eat my face.

    Oh and we had a spider on the side of the house the size of my hand. NO LIE! Even though I have kid hands it is still HUGE!

  7. Yay, thankgod I live in Ireland! We might have shitty weather but no nasty spiders or bugs :) What the hell are stink bugs btw?

  8. Off topic...
    To all of my fellow east coast Twitards - BE SAFE!!!
    I'm in Virginia Beach & am as ready as I can be. xxxooo.

  9. A couple of months ago, I came across a spider in my garage that was between me and the door to my kitchen. It scared the living shit out of me when I turned the light on. I swear the spider was the size of my face and there was no way I was killing it (I hate the crunchy, squishy feeling when you kill them *shudders* And yes, I kill ALL spiders in my house. I don't fucking care if they eat mosquitos and other bugs, they do NOT belong in MY house dammit) I was about to leave to pick my hubby up at the airport so I quickly grabbed a bucket and QUICKLY turned it upside down over the spider. I then picked the hubs up and told him he had a job to do when he got home. Funny part is, is that as soon as I saw it, I referred to it as Shelob lol! (HUGE LotR fan here) Also, I walked into a web on the way out to walk my dog this morning and I was flailing and swearing away in my driveway. Luckily it was far too early for any of my neighbors to witness this! I fucking HATE spiders. ugh.

  10. I love knowing there are others that react the same way I do to this kind of thing. The other day I was walking down the isle of the barn. I saw out of the corner of my eye something much to large & hairy crawling towards me. I cringed & the lookedstrait at it...

    It was a clump of horse hair getting blown down the isle way by the breeze. I laughed so hard at myself.

  11. Different spider story, different blog post, different ranch I worked on. While watching Arachnaphobia with all my co-workers in the employee cabin - ok really listening since I wouldn't actually look at the TV to watch it - a bat came swooping in and freaked us all out. It was out of control and kept swooping down on each person. I basically buried myself under a blanket and just waited for it all to end. Someone finally got it out of the room and I can't recall if we ever "watched" the end of the movie. LOL

    Ok I think I am done reading about spiders now, does any one have a cute story about kittens?? :)

  12. WTF is in that picture of the bathtub? It looks like a skinny check bent over ready to get it up the pooper.

    Just sayin'.

    xo J

  13. I have NEVER lived anyplace in NJ with more bugs/spiders (and weird mold) than where I love now. And I can't believe you made me see that beast - I am NEVER EVER EVER COMING TO YOUR HOUSE AGAIN, JJ!!!

  14. @rottymama - I think we had one of those outside the other night (thankfully not inside - lol) - it was fascinating to watch it build its web.

  15. @Jen...You've never seen Ghostbusters II? That's the pink ooze that comes out of the faucet and tries to eat Dana and Oscar!

  16. I am with Twired Jen, what is that?

  17. Not a fan...not at all. I once had a giant Wolf Spider crawl on me in my bed here in Seattle. We couldn't even kill it after stepping on took a few wacks. Grooooosssssssssssssss.

  18. Thank you for those photos. I don't really need to sleep anyway.


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