Sunday, March 4, 2012

Grocery Shopping Makes Me Homicidal

I think I've mentioned before somewhere along the line about my utter loathing for grocery shopping (but that was a long time ago on my old blog which has since been shut down so I think it's time for a recap). Whether is the local supermarket or the fucking hell-on-earth called Walmart, I hate it all. I can't quite understand what goes through the minds of some of the miscreants that frequent these establishments.

If you haven't visited peopleofwalmart.com, you're missing out.

I've decided that the only way to hang on to the tiny shred of sanity I might have left is to wear the following t-shirt every time I'm forced to push my squeaky-whealed cart around a supermarket.

Need one? Click HERE for dark colors, HERE for light colors. Available in all kinds of styles.

Or this one...

Click HERE for dark colors, HERE for light colors. Also available in all kinds of styles.

I'm really hoping that this will force my fellow shoppers to give me a wide berth. And possibly just get the fuck out of my way when they see me coming.

Here are my top 5 pet peeves of the dreaded trip to the market:
5. The idiot that finds it necessary to drive his/her cart down the middle of the aisle at a snail's pace no less, not allowing me to pass. And then they stop right in the middle to peruse the shelves... I blow my fucking top.
4. The tandem shoppers who each have their own cart. Now don't get me wrong, I'm ok with this if they split the list and go their separate ways. I'm not ok with this if they travel through the aisles as a pair. Most likely these shoppers are elderly. Sorry, not an excuse.
3. The person who has no idea what they need and they stand on one side of the aisle while their cart is parked directly behind them on the other side of the aisle, completely blocking the whole thing. And then you think they'll just be picking up what they need and moving on... and you think wrong. They need to pick up every fucking can of vegetables trying to find the exact style of corn desire.

2. The pack leader who shows up at the store with not only their children, but at least a half dozen other random kids from the neighborhood. They move through the aisles as a loosely formed pack with an occasional straggler kid that almost always darts out directly in the path of my cart. And I'm usually hauling ass up and down the aisles. Get in, get out... that's my motto.
1. The tiny shopping cart. Yes folks, nothing makes me want to bash my head against the milk cooler more than the miniature carts designed for the kids to push around so they feel like they're doing the shopping. I'm pretty sure Fisher Price makes toys for that experience. Buy them. I thank everything that is holy for those not being available at my local grocery store. 
I sometimes feel like I'm the only one who despises grocery shopping. Is that true? Do you guys love it or hate it? Please... don't make me feel all alone!

34 comments:

  1. The weekly trip to the grocery store is the only break I get from the kids..besides when they are at school for 8 hours M-F, but that shouldn't count... I become a cart pushing zombie and hafta think really hard to make critical decisions like coin shaped tatertots or traditionally shaped tatertots.
    And then I have to remember where I left my cart...

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  2. HATE IT with a passion!!
    feel like I am always there....just had to go back bc I forgot diapers, super fun let me tell 'ya.

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    Replies
    1. NOTHING worse then when you forget something and have to go back. Gross.

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  3. I have a sort of love-hate relationship with the whole experience. I like the whole idea of shopping for stuff I need, but I absolutely hate the people there. Come to think of it, I have a fiery loathing of all things involving sweaty crowds.

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  4. HATE IT!! I bitch every time I have to go. And I have 2 teenage boys, so I go to the grocery store *it seems* EVERY.SINGLE DAY. *rant over* *for now*

    Love the post though, and the t-shirt! :P

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  5. I despise grocery shopping, which is why my refrigerator is completely empty right now.

    My biggest pet peeve are people who just stand there while the cashier rings them up and bags their shit. Do that yourself, dammit.

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    1. I don't think the people where we shop even know how to bag shit up - there have been times when they have just sat there and watched me bagging things like it was magic and they didn't understand how they might also be able to bag groceries LIKE THEY ARE PAID TO DO. Gah.

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  6. *hanging head in shame* I am one of those mother's who has no choice but to bring their kids. I've said before that my boys are Autistic and have a very difficult time dealing with things that come so easily to us. But grocery shopping for them is like hell. Have you ever just stopped in the store and listened? It's total over sensory; bright ass lights, music, and the over hum of too many bodies in one space at the same time. My kids begin to flap their hands and fuss, whining the ENTIRE hour. And what's worse is when you get assholes without kids leering at you like "why dont you do something about that rotten kid". I want to reach out and claw their fucking faces when they do that to me. My kids can't help it. Deal with it.

    Yeah.... *panting*... I hate grocery shopping.

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    1. Don't get me wrong... I understand that mothers bring their kids to the grocery store. That's not my issue at all. It's when it looks like they've added some friends to the group and that they've made it some kind of fun outing... like going to the mall. I'm sorry for the assholes... some people are just, well, assholes.

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    2. Oh, no, I totally get what you mean. There are some parents who totally deserve to be clocked for allowing their children to 'airplane' down the center ofthe aisle!!! I especially cringe when these people let their kids wander away for minutes on end without checking on them. I'll literally stand there and make sure no one snatches those kids cause it freaks me the hell out.

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  7. I quite enjoy grocery shopping. I hate all other forms of shopping especially shoe shopping. Don't get me started on window shopping. Why would anyone put themselves through that.
    I do have issues with food so maybe that's why I like food shopping.

    Pecka head

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  8. I despise grocery shopping, which is why my refrigerator is completely empty right now.

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  9. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE it. That's why I got married. I make my husband do it!

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  10. Huh. Looks like I'm not alone in my hatred.

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  11. When I was a child my parents were divorced and my dad was a firefighter. He was in charge of grocery shopping for the station. If he had to go to work the day after I had an over-nighter with him and his new wife he would wake me up an an ungodly hour, make me make my bed with hospital corners (he was in the military too), pack and get ready just to take me to the grocery store to buy food for the guys before he took me home and then to work (I think they have 7am to 7am shifts).

    My point is that at 6:00 in the morning the grocery store is amazingly empty. I've found the same thing at 8am about 10am after I drop my kids off at school. If you work and can't pull this off (and are a night owl) then find a 24 hour grocery store and go at 11pm... or 2am... whatever floats your boat. In any case it's blissfully empty.

    Also avoid weekends. Since I've been able to work only part time the last 12 years I avoid shopping on weekends like the plague (even the mall).

    Third tip... don't go to Wal-Mart. At ALL. I would rather stab myself in the eye than go into that store. I shop at Target. For some reason the employees and shoppers seem to be normal and nice. All of the rest of the people must go to Wal-Mart.

    Do you think the prices at Wal-Mart are better? Think again. This guy's article is amazing:
    http://steve-olson.com/10-reasons-target-is-better-than-wal-mart/

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    Replies
    1. Oops, that was the wrong link. It was actually a good one, but this is the one with the prices:
      http://www.thestreet.com/story/11118804/1/who-has-it-cheaper-wal-mart-vs-target.html

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    2. And PPS (yes, I'm still posting like an idiot): even if Target was more expensive... the price is worth it for my sanity.

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    3. YES YES YES

      I hate WM with a deep fiery passion and 99.9% of the people that work and frequent it. I WILL NOT buy anything at Wal-Mart. There are ALWAYS 2 of the 5000 checkout stands open and again, morons abound. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT

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  12. I like grocery shopping, but my store is rarely packed, so it isn't a hassle.

    I only go to Walmart if I absolutely, unavoidably HAVE to... and I always want to bathe in bleach afterward. Yuck. Target, though, is my actual Happiest Place on Earth!

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  13. I HATE grocery shopping & cooking. I feel suicidal when I know I must go to the grocery store - I swear I break out in a rash. It is torture - when my kids were younger, I had a second refrig. in the garage, and would buy like 10 gallons of milk. When the kids would complain "There is nothin g to eat..." I'd always tell them - "I don't go to to the grocery store till the milk is gone"

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  14. See, here's what I do. Whenever I have to go grocery shopping, I buy everything and anything in sight. Exotic fruits, cases of seltzer, lint rollers. You name it, I'll buy it. Sale, no sale, coupons, what? Whatever. When I get home, Mr. Myg looks at the total and sees all the useless crap and (and Good n' Plentys) and freaks out. Do that for a few years, and eventually, Mr. Myg decides he'll do the grocery shopping himself. Problem solved.

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    Replies
    1. What's wrong with exotic, fruit, cases of seltzer, and lint rollers? At least two of those things are in my cart most every time I shop, it seems...

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    2. Damn, I just snorted when I read this. Very funny.

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  15. I used to live in an area that was surrounded by retirement communities - if there was a bus sitting out there waiting for all the residents, I knew it meant I should come back later. Nobody blocks aisles like seniors!

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  16. I HATE shopping. Any kind of shopping. (I know, I'm a little odd - I don't even like shopping for clothes or shoes for myself...) But grocery shopping is my ultimate nemesis. I refuse to do it.

    I send MrCC ;-)

    CC x

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  17. I like grocery shopping! The Bentist and I have a system that works great: He goes to the deli/produce section, I start filling the cart with the big shit, and he meets up with me after he's got an armful. I think planning meals ahead, making a list, and not leaving the house until every room has been walked through is key. No one likes to go back to the store...That's the WORST. Especially for stupid shit that you barely ever buy, like dryer sheets or something.

    I do find that I am the person who wanders aimlessly if I am shopping alone, though. "Huh...five kinds of flushable wipes...How messy does my ass get? Is this something I need? Those cute bears use them sometimes...Oh! Avocado! I need an avocado. I saw that recipe on Pinterest, and...I wonder if this place has night light bulbs. Ooh! Easter candy!" Yeah...ADD to the extreme. I think I walk about 3 miles in the grocery store if I'm alone.

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  18. This weekend at the grocery store I saw a woman I her 40's wearing bright green fleece one piece pajamas with black polka dots on them. She had a white skirt with an elastic waist pulled over them as if that would make the outfit okay. I reached for my phone to take a pic but I had left it in the car.. No this was not Walmart!

    I don't mind grocery shopping. If I can get out without the kids it's great.

    -Kate

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  19. I'm the mom with her two kids who like to run away from her. I don't care...whoever takes you will realize their mistake and turn themselves in because they can't handle you either.

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  20. Absolutely hate going shopping. I also live in ME and everywhere I go is like a 20 minute drive which adds to the fun filled day and add to that you have 2 choices of stores to go to and it just keeps getting better. I wish it was OK to run people over with your carts like bumper cars. That would be fun!

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  21. ahh, now here are a bunch of ladies after my own heart. I hate grocery shopping with every cell in my body. I'd rather wash windows, do laundry, iron, mop floors or scrub toilets than go to the grocery store. I hate the crowds, the people, the incompetent employees, having to put all the bags in my car, then unload them in the kitchen, then put everything away, only for it all to disappear within a day or so.
    However, I really can't complain, because I'm married to a man who seems to think grocery stores are heaven on Earth. So i happily leave the shopping to him.
    @Lila - I would pull my fingernails out with a pliers before I would step foot in a WalMart. I agree, I'd pay any higher prices at Target just to avoid that hell.

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  22. What gets to me, the absolute BIGGEST, MOST HORRIBLE pet peeve is the checkout stand.

    I ALWAYS get my shiz together BEFORE I get in line. I get my coupons, reward card and method of payment out, sorted and ready to be handed over before I even consider which line I'm getting in. If I notice something isn't the right price and there is someone behind me, I just ask them to put it to the side and I take it to the customer service counter after everything else has been done.

    I hate it when I get behind someone who does not do this and it seems that atleast one of the following scenarios happens (in ascending order of irritation):

    1. I get a new cashier who is not familiar with produce codes, how to process coupons or who hasn't yet learned that this is no time for a chat.

    2. Someone (usually elderly) waits until the cashier has to remind them that they have to pay to dig around in their purse and find that last mother-fing penny! (PS do not offer to give them that penny, old bitches are mean) (PSS if they are younger or about my age I whip out that penny and tell them to shutup and get out of the way)

    3. They wait until the last second to swipe their card and then remember that they had a coupon causing the cashier to have to refund the transaction, wait for the person to fish it out of their pocket, in most cases they find that the coupon has expired or is for two items not one, and then process the transaction again.

    4. They sort their coupons at the stand, while simultaneously keeping tabs on the price of each item. This takes an eternity and because the system often does not process discounts until the cashier hits total this happens on practically every item and/or wears some poor kid out running laps through the store to check prices for the cashier.

    5. BIGGEST PET PEEVE is when I get someone who does not know this IS NOT F-ING WAL-MART!! This person argues with the cashier about how each item is cheaper at Wal-Mart as if it's the cashiers job to price items, calls over a manager and chews the managers ass about how things are cheaper at Wal-Mart. It makes everyone miserable, the last time this happened to me the woman was shockingly obese (this is not what upsets me, let me finish) was wearing stained lilac stretch pants that said "SEXY" on the butt and her child who was also sadly obese and couldn't have been older than 4 was eating a king-sized hershey bar which was all over him was repeating every explicit word she said at the top of his lungs. The kicker: everything she had in her cart was from the dollar aisle at Target. Don't get me wrong, I curse like a sailor, but I atleast try to tone it down in front of my kids and in public.

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  23. I don't really mind grocery shopping if I am at Fresh and Easy. It is small and not very crowded. But going to Walmart can drive me crazy. My biggest pet peeve though it people who can't put their cart in stalls outside and they leave them in an empty parking space or half perched on the curb. Drives me up the FUCKING wall!!!!!!!! How fucking lazy are you that you can can't walk a few feet!?!?

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  24. I don't mind the grocery store I go to, but the Whole Foods south of me makes me into a silent rage filled beast. I hate that no one says "excuse me" I have had people try to push past me, instead of just saying excuse me. Note that this isn't because I am blocking the isle, just when someone can't fit by me and whatever/whoever else is there.

    Totally random thing, have you every been behind someone who takes the stuff out of their cart, checks out, then walks away leaving the cart behind them, which is front of YOU the NEXT PERSON IN LINE. Like their cart magically puts itself away. What is that about???

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