Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Weekend Jenny Jerkface Was Silent (and not by choice)

I have a confession to make. It's a hard one but one I suspect that all of you, deep down inside, will understand.

I am an addict.

And I don't care.

Now, it's not something that will cause me to lose my job, rot my brain cells and alienate me from other people my own age...

Oh wait, never mind. Yes it is.

And the problem is????

I'm addicted to Twiland. I'm addicted to this blog and it's wonderfully smutty, witty and sometimes disturbing readers.

I just can't quit you assholes.

Thing is, despite spending a great deal of time online for the past, oh, I dunno, year and a half or so I never actually realized just how addicted I was.

Until last weekend.

Let me preface this by saying that I'm a camper. I mean, not a super-duper-uber-great camper, but a camper nonetheless. Despite being allergic to everything organic and inorganic, I used to spend a couple of weeks a year as a kid camping, and I've climbed Mt. Marcy in the Adirondacks and Mt. Townsend in the Olympic Peninsula. And I'm talking full-on backpacking--everything you own strapped to your back, eating freeze-dried food, hanging food bags in the trees so the bears don't come and eat your face (they almost did anyway one time- seriously). Oh, and digging a hole in the ground and pooping in it. That was fun.

Me up on some kinda mountain...

Not really. I couldn't even crack a joke about shitting in the woods because I was too busy being totally convinced that a wild animal was going to maul me while in mid-poop and I would be remembered as "that chick who got mauled by bears when she had her pants around her ankles." Nobody wants their epitaph to have some reference to bears shitting in the woods.

I'm never this cute shitting in the woods...

Huh, actually that's kinda funny... anyhoo, I digress.

I was totally cool being out in nature, removed from the hustle and bustle of everyday bullshittery. But that was before Twilight and, more specifically, Twiland.

It's not that I haven't been slightly disconnected before... In Colorado last year, I spent much of the time at the hotel sprinting around the lobby like a jackass, laptop held over my head, whimpering like a crackhead who just huffed their last hit, desperately trying to get a wi-fi signal but it was okay.

Because I had the Crackberry.

omg, did someone tweet something new? Did I get a new email? What's the stats of the blog? Is that a MotU update?!

It never occurred to me that it would ever be worse than that until I rolled up to the Full Moon Resort [note from STY: I swear I read that as "New Moon"] in the Catskills last Friday night and pulled my phone out to tweet to Snarkier Than You that I had finally fucking arrived. Because we can't stand going more than an hour without some form of communication.

And then I realized IT had happened.





I had no cell signal. Not one single little fucking bar.

I shrieked and dug myself out from the wall of equipment I had been cramped under.

That was my seat. for 3+ hours - no potty breaks. NJ Transit has clearly made me a saint to tolerate this...

"Um, do you guys have a signal out here?" I asked my co-riders in the calmest voice I could muster.

"Nope," they replied cheerfully. "We're free from the restraints of modern civilization for the next two days."


How COULD you let this happen, JJ?! I... can't... go... any... further... dying... Fuck! I can't die!!
Hate you even more that I have to suffer without cell phone or internet...

So, there I was, stuck in some picturesque, post-card-worthy fucking resort in upstate New York and all I could think about was the fact that I couldn't even call STY and let her know that it was all right.

Like any addict, I tried to hide my anxiety and consternation, but the band just knew.

While poor STY and company was wondering about my sudden unexpected absence from Twiland, I was being told this lack of contact was a good thing--it would prepare me for the post-apocalyptic future.

My response to this was in the post-apocalyptic future, readership would be down anyway because people would be dead and those that weren't would be fighting of hordes of flesh eating zombies so of course who gives a shit about online so drink a bowl of herpes and give me my fucking internet...

I'm gonna throw those post-apocalyptic zombie whore bags in this fire pit!!

In the end, I did manage to have a good time but I have to admit that every time I came across a new area of the woods I whipped out my Blackberry and tried to get a signal. It was a nice time, hanging out in the woods.

There was good times and good company and even Mini-E eventually came out to play.

OMG is she reading something other than Twilight?!
I need a drink from JJ's "special" thermos...

You can't crush me with your threadbare, treadless Docs - I'm a mini vampire! [hic!]

Some of the bands were awesome, some of the bands were awful, but it was really, really neat to see Neil Halstead of Slowdive and Mojave 3 play a really mellow one-man set.

There is something nice about being at a venue that is super stripped down, where everyone is chilling out, unshowered, kinda dirty and looking slightly homeless.

Until a video pops up online.

I may or may not be in the background of this. I'll give you a hint. Straw hat, bluish-purple dress and some funny jeans on underneath.

Oh, and if those guys look sweaty, you have no idea. At some point late Saturday night I announced (loudly) that I couldn't wait to get home and powerwash my vagina. I'm pretty sure ML muttered something about "never taking me on one of these trips again".


But, despite the whiskey that was flowing, the awesome music and the amazing conversation with a great group of people...

I still really missed you guys.


  1. Awww.... your sentiment makes me a little weepy. I'm pretty sure if Mini E hadn't been there to talk you down off the ledge, someone would have been missing appendages. Doooood! No cell, no wi-fi... I would have thrown myself into that fire pit! I'm glad you survived... not sure how I would have the strength to go on living in a world where you don't exist.

  2. I knew something was up. The universe felt strangely off kilter.

    I love me some damn dirty hippy musicfest action! That vid was fucking rad (I saw you from the bushes, er wait...I mean the video. totally the video) and it was the shitx2 to see them jammin'.

    Glad your face didn't get eaten by a bear.


  3. See Mr CC and I went camping last summer, but that was pre-twitter,etc. I'm not sure I could do that now.

    I had a similar problem last week in Cuba. JFTR - Cuban internet = sucky. We had 1 hour of internet between MrCC and I. ONE HOUR!! For a week!! Fortunately there was rum to keep me company, but I still missed you twatwaffles.

    p.s. the ass slapping part of video was extra awesome.

  4. Nature and I like to keep our relationship strictly professional. I have a strict contract for camping... requirements are plumbing, shower (heated), place to park car next to campsite, airmatress and battery operated pump, no mosquito's strange animal noises in the night or cold air. But because nature can't seem to honor that contract I haven't camped since I was a girl scout.

  5. Poor mini E. He just looked so devistated in all the pics. Do you have any plans to lift his spirits. Glad you had fun. It looks like a cool event to attend. I love camping with a whole bunch of people, but it's been years since I've done that.

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  7. Okay, NEED to go to bed and just stumbled down here to see what's going on... and you ladies fucking ruin me.

    @CC - the ass slapping is tame but still disturbing.

    @HypoV - As usual, jeebus motherfuckingcrispies... {zoom in, zoom in} wha-what? who's saying anything?!

    okay, seriously going to bed. zoom in, er, I mean, good night.

  8. JJ: I read this post to my S/O..well part of it. You know what he said, in all seriousness..."You can tell that JJ is a super intelligent individual."

    I said...Yup, she is...and she's a dirrrrrty bitch too!

    Loved this..missed you hoor!

    xoxo J

  9. Yeah, you're a better woman than I... I mean I like to pretend with my Nalgene water bottle and I actually own a pair of shoes other than heels but damn. But to get through any of the hell that I would be in camping, I would have to have my phone. That's a whole 'nother level of Dante's inferno you've just added to the situation. Fuck. That. And yes, this lovely group of assholes has become an addiction for me as well. @texaskatherine and I laugh because both our DH's whine, "You like those people on Twitter more than me!" ... Our response, "Yeah..What's your problem?"

  10. @JJ - tame but disturbing sums it up nicely

  11. Holy shit. Laughing so hard there are tears. Stellar post as usual JJ. What, no pics of mini E shitting in the woods? tsk tsk

  12. 2 things:

    1. Which one of the guys in the vid was ML?
    1a. Please tell me it wasn't the guy slapping the other guys ass.

    2. You had to have sristbands for a music shindig in the woods??

    WV: cusse. I will cusse a bitch out if she disrespects Twilight.

  13. Don't ever effing go to Big Sur, my now husband was thisclose to ditching my kooky butt when I had an anxiety attack NO CELL RECEPTION for the BB is NOT OK! Thank GOD you know what I went through it's horrible! What vacation? No!

  14. I have missed your adventures with Mini E/Pocket Edward! Still laughing thinking about you figuring out you didn't have any internet service, and the panic attack STY was having back home that I was following on twitter.

    The straw hat you were wearing in the video reminds me of the picture your mom Photoshopped of you and Robward. LOL!

    And that's ML wearing the green t-shirt and doing a hand job in the video, right? Just sayin'. Actually, I'm just askin' ;)

    Very cool song, too. Thanks for sharing.


  15. JJ, only you could use the phrase "powerwash my vagina" in a way that is perfectly logical and only on Twitarded would everyone be nodding their heads in understanding. Welcome back and I'm glad a bear didn't eat your face :)

  16. Okay. No bars = panic attack. I mean, 1 or 2 bars and you feel like you're roughing it, being really tough, you know? Next thought - dude - you were camping with all those hawt beaded guys!!!!!! Next: Awwww, mini Edward, I luv u. Next: Hey. Hey! Why are there no chicks jamming with the dude band? Fuck that. And hey - what is that red thing the dude is holding at waist level? Tambourine? Ass slapping - Heh. Hey - you look cute in jeans! Bitch. Glad ur back. :)

  17. Bearded. Not beaded. Sheesh. Camping with bearded men. Nom, nom, nom.

  18. So nice to have documentation that you weren't all fetal the whole weekend....we were worried though...for your sanity.

    In all seriousness, it looks like it was a blast. Remind me to tell you about Mung Fest sometime. It was a crazy ass camping music fest I went to for 20 years straight...until it ended because we are all old farts now. JJ you would have loved it.

    As you know JJ I am often away from the internets doing outdoorsy stuff...while I love is not without some pain.

    Addicted and loving it!

    V/W: 'ousopus' n. dirty camping vajayjay. Alternately known as 'swamp vag'

  19. Camping has never really been my cup of tea but this post has effectively killed any thoughts of ever going again. No Twiland? No thank you. I recently tried to go a couple of days without checking the blogs or reading any fanfic updates and I practically short-circuited. The one vacation I took last year up to Banff where I thought I might not have reception, I printed out a complete story just in case. So sad.

    So JJ, if Rob was filming out in the wild somewhere, and was forced to go without a swanky movie star trailer, would you poop in the hole he would have to dig for himself? Just curious..

  20. Oh JJ...we missed you too. Now power wash your weepy, no-service vagina and get over your non-communicative weekend! It looks like you, ML, and Mini-E had a badass time. I love me some camping, love me some music, and loves me some gettin' dirty! The vid is awesomeawesome. Are you a geocacher, too? It's my other addiction.

    @Julie Winters: I was surprised there wasn't a Mini-E shit, too. I bet JJ has a couple pics, though. Here's what went down:

    JJ went out to scope the area to dig out a poop hole and found some rabbit BB turds. "OME! This is exactly the size Mini-E would make!" (b/c we think about these things. We're so far gone...) So she whipped out a ziplock baggie from her pocket, collected a few choice morsels and took them back to set up the photo op. When she got back to camp, she grabbed Mini-E (avoiding the curious looks from ML and crew), and dug a thimble-sized hole for E to squat. After taking a few pics, JJ realized that she was indeed a fucking Twi-Tool for even thinking about it and decided not to post them to the blog. She didn't realize how fucking hilarious it would have been.

    So c'mon, JJ. Just post the pics already. We're not surprised you did it. Only surprised that you didn't post the pics. They would have been EPIC.

  21. Outdoors? Camping? Hiking? Pooping? I've never heard of such things. Are you speaking english?

    Anyway, I'm glad you survived to blog another day. It wouldn't be the same around here without your sick, sick mind.

  22. yea I feel like a brat... I'm going on a wonderful trip to italy to visit my family for about 3 weeks. Granted I've gone to see them a few times so it doesn't have that "fresh" excitement, but still, all I can think about is if edward wallbanger is going to FINALLY update, if another twigasm (four h00rs?) podcast is going to post etc. oh god, and wednesdays, wednesdays are going to be the worst because we all know that misapprehension of bella swan updates n wednesdays. I already anticipate getting slightly grumpy part way though. my sister might kill me... maybe i'll buy eclipse in paperback to bring. ugh so spoiled by twilight.

  23. Longtime lurker and unquestionably addicted, I've been coasting along laughing my ass off- then JJ was MISSING!! I thought, "JJ's gone"? *gasping* THAT'S why they added that LatchKey lady,,

    Seiously JJ, after checking all weekend to no avail, when I saw little E sneaking out of the tent coral, I was overcome with relief. Now, I come to find that JJ was really with an ahhh-me of bearded, ass-slapping musicians!

    Thanks for bringing this lurker to life!

  24. Wow JJ, what an awesome post. I am just glad to see there are people far worse addicted than myself.

    I watched that video, but with sound off. I giggled when I saw the ass slapping.
    And, you - you are too cute in that outfit. :D

  25. What a coincidence! I went camping last weekend too...although I knew that there was no cell phone service out there and I don't have a Mini-E to keep me company. Although the weekend was great I couldn't wait to get back to a warm shower and my fanfic

  26. Glad you're back & can powder your moot (& a bear didn't eat your face) but the only stars I sleep under are 5 stars! Can't watch ass slaping vid my computer having hissy fit.
    PMSL @Lindsay Rae your Mini E snapping one off set-up was priceless!
    W/v culta- you know your va jay jay will grow a culta if you don't shower.

  27. Sweet video. Sounds like fun. I am ready for summer. Since I am in Alaska I always have to wear my sundresses over pants. Usually with some kind of t-shirt, too.

  28. I missed you too. Looks like a lot of fun.

  29. I drive home from Choir Practice last night (no snickering, I really do sing in a choir)only to find - WTF -NO POWER. My kids have flashlights and candles going, and they are in the kitchen getting snacks and TALKING to me and their father because they can't be doing their homework, or cleaning their rooms or any of the other things that they're supposed to be doing because there's no power.
    In the midst of this lovely family moment of fun and conversation - I have two teens - these moments are so rare - I flick on my fully charged laptop,because I knew that The Training had updated. The hub grins wickedly and smirks, "You can't go online with no power".
    Gah. I.was.shattered.I now know, without a doubt, I'm as addicted as anyone to TWILAND, SNY,JJ,LKW, AND LOVIN' IT!

  30. LOL, your not alone JJ. Me and the family are going to the shore for a long weekend and there is NO internet service where we are staying..... Im sorta dreading that part. I just know Im going to come home to find my inbox has exploded with FF updates. Its going to take me forever to catch up on my reading/blog checking/fandom news and happenings. *sighs and grumbles* goddam family vacations.

  31. Oh - no WiFi, no signal for your mobile (cuz that's what we call 'em here across the pond) - that is truly my definition of hell. As is camping. But I did rather like the vid and the music sounded fun :-)

    @Lindsay Rae - I'm addicted to geocaching too, but the addiction is not as great as the one I have for RPattz ;-)

    @JJ - next time you go camping, maybe you should consider taking a SheWee SheWee *snigger*

    I thank you.

  32. Dearest JJ,

    I'm absolutely delighted that you managed to make it back to civilization without getting your face eaten off by a bear. I'm not much of a camper myself - I took a trip to Bali this December, and on the night when I discovered a spider the size of a softball in my little hut, I duct taped my mosquito net down all around my bed so it couldn't get me while I slept.

    Also, what a fun video!! We must have some more musical Twitards - I happen to know that Toefunny can sing and play the gitarrrr! Twitarded jam session in FOOOOORRRKKKKSSS????

    Glad you made it, JJ!

  33. @TwiredJen - Awww, tell the S/O I said thank you!!

    @Twilove1 - We were so sweaty and disgusting and there was one shower that looked terrifying so... yeah, definitely needed to powerwash the va-jay-jay. Thankfully, ML's band is used to my behavior (not to mention they do some really weird shit themselves) but my announcement definitely caused the boys to cringe.

    And I may or may not have tried to rub my crotch up against ML after I said it.

    @Anonymous - I did the same thing once. I was all "whatever, I have power on the laptop" and ML was all "Oh really? That's nice because the magical wireless connection actually isn't magical at all and needs power to operate" and I was all "Fuuuuuuuuuck."

    I have to admit that it did occur to me to try to get a picture of mini-E dropping a deuce in the woods but a) Mini-E isn't exactly bendable b) he was a total bitch when I tried to prop up against shit and c) after awhile I just gave up and started drinking whiskey...

    Mwah! I puffy heart you ladies!!

  34. Seriously, when (IF!) we ever decide to get off this twicrack we are all on, we will need a motherfuckinserious 12 step program. This is a powerful drug. I fool myself into saying that I need that extra computer or brand new blackberry because I need to work but really, I just can't stand to think about being without internet connection to ffn updates or twistuff updates!
    Serious drug guys, serious.....

  35. On a totally unrelated note, I just found this today:

    Scroll down to the actual drinking game - I love the "jorts" one!

  36. Oh, JJ, we missed you so. I did indeed feel a disturbance in the twi-force with your absence. Balance was once again achieved upon your return to civilization.

    Kudos on not becoming a stanky crotched puddle of goo clutching your Mini-E for dear life upon realizing you had no way to contact the outside world!

  37. @Amanda: Holy hilarious! I kind of want to do a not-so-dry run (heh) this morning...Bloody Marys for me!

    vw: beallbi
    I'm not worried about what goes down in FOOORRRRRKKKSS!!! because I'm sure my fellow Twitards will beallbis for whatever messes we do/don't get ourselves into.

  38. awww ;) We totally missed you too!

  39. it probably goes without saying that i can relate.

    i'm preparing for a similar, yet not so dire, situation this weekend.
    i'm heading to austin with a NON twifriend. i know, i don't how we're still friends, either...the chick we're staying with doesn't have internet! and even if she did, i would be made fun of mercilessly for reading twitarded/fanfic all day instead of wanting to go out on the town.

    i'm also in the middle of reading twilight...again...but i'm too pussy to bring it with me because i don't feel like defending myself. FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME.

    p.s. i read "full moon" as "new moon" also. yep.

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  42. I gotta admit, I feel your pain, JJ. Last summer I spent 5 months living in the middle of no-fuckin-where, halfway up a mountain. There was no cell service (except a few patches where you had to stand on one leg with your head tilted at a 64 degree angle), there was no wifi, and there were only a few computers with any sort of connection with the outside world, and they were supposed to be used for work only. I almost went crazy the first few weeks, especially since I didn't have my car and so couldn't go anywhere unless someone else who wasn't stupid enough to leave their car behind wanted to. Once a week or so, I got a little closer to civilization (read: a teeny-tiny town also in the middle of nowhere but that nonetheless had wifi) and read up for a few hours on what had happened in Twiland that week. But I missed so much! I gotta say, as beautiful as that place was, and as much fun as I had there, I don't think I could do that again. I'm too addicted!

    P.S. Where did you get that 'special' thermos? I really want one!

  43. JJ you have no idea how much I adore you. I just think your so... freaking awesome.

    I'm sure that whole idea/not showering etc.. is not as fun as it seems, but the clip of the band and the music. LOVE IT! I hope you at least had fun! Are you planning on doing this to us in Forks?

  44. @hypovag - Our fabulous Ms. JJ became everything EXCEPT a puddle of goo. There is photographic proof of her at the very least pretending to enjoy and engage in her surroundings! Come on now, I'm trying to make her feel better about her obvious distraught at being separated from all that was Twi-Holy! We all know that it was traumatic, no need to rub salt in the wounds!

    oh, and welcome to the mind suck that is facebook. Feel free to find me there if you so desire!

  45. I love, love, LOVED the song they were playing and was surprised more folks weren't tapping some body part to it. I was dancing just watching it.
    Also, speaking of addiction, did anyone else have a panic attack when they found out how fucking far away Breaking Dawn is going to be??? What the fuck are we supposed to do for a year and a half???

  46. My favorite parts were the powerwashing (I SO know that feeling) and the pathetic docs about to crush poor Edward. Love ALL you crazy chicks!

  47. @JJ - You are SO fucking CUTE!!! And RG was great - as usual.

    A shameless plug for myself here: After a very long time as a lurker/commenter I decided to dive headfirst into the bloggysphere. Come by and see me:


  48. well I already shared my thoughts on the Twiland today, so we're all good there. these ladies have said just about everything else so we're all good there. we do have a huge elephant in the room however that needs to be addressed...

    you said, "drink a bowl of herpes" and not one person said anything about it! maybe you say this all the time and i'm just ignorant and it's old news. but i found that small five word phrase to be utterly brilliant. of course now i'm going to have to bandy it about in completely inappropriate settings. thanks for that. :)

  49. @MrPantz- so true about the herpes comment! JJ apparently just gave so much for fodder that the bowl o' herpes (breakfast of champions!) slipped down without comment.

    JJ, dear fucking lord I hope that you weren't all left to fend for your own shitting selves last weekend. I know camping, I know shitting in holes (I prefer outhouses to flushing toilet, no lie)but I also know 'group camp' situations and humans just are no longer very skillful at dealing with their own shit. Please tell me there was a porta potty situation going on there.

    Aaand, obviously there was no mini-E poop photos: Vampires don't shit!

  50. @Mr Pantz - LOL! I have to admit that I as bit alarmed that no one mentioned that but I guess all these lovely, ahem, ladies are desensitized.

    I am a big fan of that phrase, I must be honest. Plus, the STDs are interchangeable. Awesome.

    And you rock, btw.

  51. @JJ- shit, no. YOU rock!

    "drink a bowl of chlymadia" just doesn't have the same ring to it, though, does it?

    wv - forksch - I SHIT YOU NOT!!!!!!

  52. That's a really really awesome thermos ;)

    As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder :)

    At least it seems like you had fun overall :)

  53. @JJ - You are SO fucking CUTE!!! And RG was great - as usual.

    A shameless plug for myself here: After a very long time as a lurker/commenter I decided to dive headfirst into the bloggysphere. Come by and see me:


  54. awww ;) We totally missed you too!

  55. I missed you too. Looks like a lot of fun.


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